Sigh

I totally didn't intend to stay up this late and sadly it has taken a toll on my mood.  Tonight was not the easiest of nights for me and I just don't feel as good about things which I hate because I felt so awesome yesterday and last night.  Now, I'm wishing I came home earlier so I could text my sister because I seriously need to talk to her.  I don't think I should be allowed out on Sundays because somehow I always end up crying and miserable.  It's like every Sunday I feel like I'm complaining and whining and feeling down about something and today started out so good.  I really didn't think it would go to that point.

What's funny was that I was planning on coming home and further elaborating on how great the shower was and why I was so happy that Dave got to attend and all sorts of other happy things but over the course of the night things just took a turn toward the unexpected.  If someone told me I was going to end up in tears today I would've thought it would've happened at the hospital when I went to visit my grandmother.  For those of you who don't know, my grandmother got suddenly very sick the day after we went out to take a look at my dress.  When we left the prognosis looked good but I think there's still a small fear that it won't stop and invasive surgery may end up being the only option.   I forget how fragile my grandmothers are and that even the smallest things can make put them in the hospital.  However, my trip to the hospital didn't make me cry.  My grandmother was happy (though very tired) and feeling pretty good and had a phenomenal outlook on everything.

Sometimes I look at my grandmother and my grandfather and admire how incredible they are.  My grandfather always seemed to have a smile on his face and positive, happy outlook on life for as long as I can remember even as he was dying.  My grandmother shares that too though thankfully she's not dying.  They were children of the depression, fought in wars, raised six children with very little money, and did it all with such love, optimism, and selflessness.  I don't think I've ever heard either of them judge someone negatively or even talk about someone when they weren't around unless it was regarding something positive about that person.  So I guess I'm left wondering... where is that within me?  I'm just a thoughtless, negative, judgmental bitch at times.  What's worse is that even when I think I've done everything I could to show my appreciation and I thought I was doing I really good job at not exposing those negative qualities, it turns out that I am in fact just as self-centered and thoughtless as always.  Maybe I need to stop thinking I'm such a good person and actually be one.