Super Short

My word, I'm so incredibly tired.  I don't have the slightest idea why because I slept late again today and it's only 9pm.  Maybe it's the extra hours at work or the change in my diet and exercise or the weather.  I came home and I was just exhausted to the point when Dave insisted that I write now and not wait so I can go to bed if I want.  Also, I've decided that Wednesdays are going to be my "day off" from working out.  I go to work earlier in the morning and Wednesdays are just one of those days that always seems to be more difficult for me.

Okay, this is super lame but I think I'm calling it quits tonight.

Moving through setbacks

So I totally had that setback that I was afraid of this morning.  Oddly enough, I handled it okay which I guess is a good thing.  Sure I overslept and slept through breakfast but I still meditated and I still worked out and I still went to work .  So I didn't allow the fact that I slept in to ruin my whole day.  I doubt I'm going to write creatively today but I'm okay with that.  I wrote yesterday and the day before.  My Accountability Partners and I set the goal to dedicate four hours a week to start with and I'm halfway done with that.

Right now, I'm still struggling with the whole not eating thing.  It's crazy because it truly is just a bad habit that I've developed.  I would so love some nachos and cheese or some chocolate chip cookies right now.  That's what I used to do.  I'd come home and eat whatever I craved.  Not that eating nachos and cheese or chocolate chip cookies are a bad thing.  I'm not banishing them from my life forever but there is a time and a place.  Now only an hour or so before bed on my couch watching t.v.  So yeah, I'm really hoping that I get over these cravings relatively soon.

I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Trying to live well

Another productive day today.  I'm hopeful that I will be able to keep it up.  A couple of days ago, I created a very, very comprehensive plan to help me get the things done that I want to do on a daily basis including eating well, exercising, meditating, and writing.  So far it's going well but I'm nervous that it's not going to be something I can keep up.  Here's the thing though I feel so much better.  It's only been a couple of days of eating well and only two days of exercise but it's already showing its effects.

The biggest downside is that between my new comprehensive day plan and working seven hours a day I'm tired.  It's just a matter of getting into a routine.  Also, I still feel a bit hungry.  I've decided that I don't want to eat after I get home from work at 9pm.  I'm not used to it and I feel hungry but that's probably more habit talking than actual hunger.  My hope is that all this will actually improve my life and my waistline.  I've been trying to wake up early and eat breakfast with Dave so I'm going to try and do something lazy before going to bed.

Another Post

We went to my sister's house tonight for dinner and to get our taxes done.  Keeping up with our new found eating habits they made a delicious salad and soup.   Ben actually did most of the cooking.  It was a good time with a good meal. While my sister did our taxes I played with their adorable puppy and waited to hear the actual figure of how much we were going to owe.  Turned out, I worried for nothing.  We're actually going to be getting a return.  To answer Alli's question from yesterday, you do not have to file Married.  However, most people do because you tend to get a better result.  For example, we had each filed individually Dave would not have been able to deduct the interest from his student loans but because we were filing together, we were both able to and apparently I have enough taken out of mine to cover the both of us.  

On a totally unrelated note, Dave and I began a Couch to 5K program.  Basically today involved walking for 5 minutes to warm up then alternating between running and walking for just over 20 minutes.  We'd run for one minute, walk for a minute and a half, and run again for a minute.  We repeated this until 8 times.  Running for a total of 8 minutes to today.   This week we will do this two more times before bumping the running up to a minute and a half and only walking for a minute.  After about 9-10 weeks, we will be able to run a 5K.  Of course, we may be incredibly slow but we can then work to just pick up the pace.  My sister in law is doing this as well.  My brother in law was always a runner.  Hopefully, by the end of May or the beginning of June we might actually be able to run a 5K though I'm not about to sign up for one anytime soon.  The best part of this program is the iphone app that walks you through it.  It works wonderfully with whichever playlist you want and the woman who talks is all British.  

So overall a good, productive day.

Forgot

Got to see Katie and Alli today which was super awesome.  We just sat and talked.  It was great.   I'm lucky to have them as friends because as I was talking I kept saying, "on my therapist is the reason for this and my therapist is the reason for that" and they called me on it.   Actually I caught a look that Alli gave Katie, a "here she goes again" kind of look and at first I thought it was because I kept talking about me so I apologized but then they told me that it was more that I'm giving my therapist too much credit and not myself.  Katie even stated that if it really was all my therapist then I should probably get a new one.  It was then that I admitted that it really isn't my therapist and that she says tells me all the time that I'm the one doing all the work.  I just don't feel like I feel like I can take credit for it.  I mean, I went for almost ten years and couldn't do it myself.  It wasn't until I started working with her that I began to work through things and begin the work.

I suppose, I could also make the argument that without my first grade teacher I wouldn't be able to read but there's that other part of me that feels like I don't deserve the credit.  After all, I got myself in the position to begin with and I did that without any help at all.  Something else came up when I was talking to them but I then started to get upset so I pushed it back down and I can't remember what it was.  It had something to do with going all one way and now this is the other extreme but I don't remember the details.  It was not the time or the place.  I don't see them enough to begin delving into those things that upset me. When I do see them I want to laugh and have fun and reconnect.  It's kind of strange that I now don't remember exactly what it was.  I mean, I'm sure I will at some point but clearly I'm still quite adept at selective forgetting.

Love

Dave had the day off from work today which made it so much harder for me to go to work at 2pm.  I just wanted to stay home and cuddle and dream with him.  I am really just so happy with him.  It feels so good when I hold him or he hold me.  Snuggling is by far one my favorite activities.  Sometimes I wonder how I got here.  How did my love life work out so awesomely?  After meeting my first crush, I used to imagine what love in my life would look like or feel like?  However, I don't think I ever dreamed of feeling like this.  Of course, the feeling of falling in love is unlike any other feelings but it's easy to imitate and imagine.  This kind of love though.  The kind where you feel like you are spending every single day with your best friend, with a person who understands you, who supports you, who you feel completely and 100% safe with.  It's really incredible and I can only hope that it lasts.   Just before I fell asleep last night, I realized that we have only been married for just under five months.  It feels like we've been married forever (in the awesome way).  I love him a whole lot.

Getting Healthy

So day two of my Biggest Loser challenge was just that: a challenge.  I didn't work out due to the cramps as a result of my long overdue monthly friend but I did try and monitor my eating.   Throughout the morning and early afternoon, I just felt rather blah and kind of down.  However, I had a decent talk with Katie over IM about it and she gave me some good advice saying that it I didn't have to do an all or nothing approach.  We talked about my horrible habits and recent addiction to fast food.   Initially, I expressed some sadness over not allowing certain indulgences.  Katie encouraged me to not give up my loves but to try and find some alternatives to make at home.

Honestly, that makes more sense.  I don't want to diet, lose the weight, stop dieting, then gain the weight back.  I have no desire to begin yo-yo dieting.  I've already lost the weight and gained it back during the past year and it's not something I want to continue.  Therefore, it's a lifestyle change that needs to occur, not a diet which means that I can't give up my favorite foods.  She mentioned trying to just replicate my favorite fast food meal at home and not worry so much about it being "healthy" at first.  After, I could then look toward healthier options.  That makes so much sense to me and in the end I want to cook our meals at home, eat when I'm hungry, stop when I begin to feel full, and increase my activity level.  I'm not looking to become the next great-American athlete or model.  I just want to lead a healthy lifestyle and be healthy in mind and body.

Tonight Dave and I cooked our dinner together, shut off the t.v., turned on some music, and just had a wonderful dinner together at our table.  It was really nice and it's definitely something that I want to continue.  We then cleaned the apartment a bit more and spent most of the evening just talking.  How incredible that just having some dinner together without the distraction of t.v. can change the entire tone of the evening.  So yeah, the first two days of eating home with Dave went really well.  I hope we can keep it going.

Disney

Taking a break from my Disney planning.  Dave showed me a website that allows us to buy other people's Disney timeshare points so you can actually book the really nice Villas for far cheaper than you could directly from Disney.  Of course there are downsides to this: no refunds being the biggest which concerns me when we are traveling during late November and early December.  Also, compared to Disney's Value resorts there are very little savings.  That said, the value resorts are nothing compared to what we'd be getting if we stayed at one of these villas.  Perhaps if we were traveling during the spring, I would seriously consider it.  I guess I can't really say I've ruled it out entirely yet.  I need to show what I've found out to Dave and go over it with him as well as my parents.  I'm excited to go to Disney!

Self Improvement

By the time I went to bed last night, I found myself forgiving my mistakes which I thought was a good step.  I found myself saying things like, "you can learn from this.  This is not going to be the first time you've made a mistake, it won't be the last, and just because I've made this mistake doesn't mean I'm going to be a giant failure."  It's a big thing for me... to have self compassion.  It's something I've been working on for quite a long time.  

So yes, yay for some progress.  I'm still super disappointment in myself and it's quite humbling but I don't feel like I'm thrashing myself or that I need to.  So anyway, Dave and I went grocery shopping after I got out of work and I feel like we actually have food in the apartment that I can not feel guilty about eating.  My work is beginning The Biggest Loser Challenge this week.  Hopefully, they are going to weigh me in tomorrow and I'm super excited and motivated to shed the now 30 pounds I've gained since college.   Dave went to visit his best friend tonight and his fiance actually bought us the Biggest Loser 6 Weeks to a Healthier You and I'm super excited.  How awesome of Becky!  I miss them.  

Mediocre

I'm super aggravated and frustrated.  I don't want to talk about it but I have to write and this is how I'm feeling at the present so it's hard to think about anything else.  It's time like this when I hate that this is a public forum because I feel like I can't say everything I want but that was my choice.  I can easily switch to a blog that allows me to lock certain posts or I could actually not use this as a personal diary.  I guess you could say my frustration is mainly with myself.  Like with the blog, I'm upset that I'm dealing with certain limitations but really I'm the one who chose those limitations so in the end what am I frustrated about.  Yeah, I'm talking in circles.

Like I said, I'm just frustrated with myself.  I thought I was so meticulous in my planning and I spent hours and hours and hours on this.  I was beginning to think I was good at it but I clearly made a huge oversight and am now having to pay the consequences.  So like so many other things that I thought I could be good at I've clearly misjudged myself.  Instead, I've spent the last forty-five minutes yelling at Dave blaming him for this oversight when really I'm just so upset with myself.  Also, what the heck is my issue blaming Dave?  Seriously, I'm such a pain in the ass.

Whatever.  I keep wanting to find something that feels like I found a niche and I think it's just time for me to realize that I don't have a niche.  I don't have one, I won't have one, and it's time that I just get over being mediocre.  I've always thought I could do something more than be a call center representative.  I thought I had more potential.  But then, who doesn't?  Who aspires to be a customer service representative?  No one that I know.  Everyone always thinks they can do more but in the end that's probably just wishful thinking.  Mediocre.  That's it.  It's time to find some clarity and solace in this.

Life's reminders

I feel badly for my mother.  She was making dinner for us and she burned her finger pretty badly.  It's all swollen and it looks like it's about to blister any moment.  Worse though is the pain she's in.  She kept her fingers in cool water all night (she burned her finger at 3pm) and though she kept trying the ointment we got her specifically for burns the pain was and is just so intense.  She handled it like a trooper all night but I'm worried about her trying to sleep tonight.  I've only ever experienced really minor burns.  Really, I've hardly suffered from a severe sunburn but the tiny burns I have experienced are excruciating so I really, really hope she can sleep tonight.  My poor mom has difficulty sleeping without the pain of a burn.

I hate the phrase, "You know what's the worst? " or "it's the worst when..." because the most ridiculous statements follow those lines like "the worst thing is when you have to stand in line at the post office" or "god, that traffic is the worst." Really, that's the worst?  However, I truly feel like being severely burned is one of the worst things that can happen to a person (or any living creature).  I don't know how the angels who work in the burn units at hospitals do it nevermind, the patients.  The screams and the smells... I can't imagine.  My mom only has a tiny burn on her fingertip but there are poor people who have whole parts of their body.  Just thinking about makes me wish I had the power to take all their pain away and allow them to recover in peace.

It something that stands as a simple reminder to how much worse things good be and how great I've had it.  I really need to be more grateful.

Stepping Forward

We had our first Accountability meeting today and it went awesome!  I think we each narrowed down our long term goals into smaller short term goals.  Overall, we decided to spend approximately 4 hours a week working specifically toward the goals we set for this month.  Next month we will meet again to go over how things went; what worked, what didn't, and the emotions involved.  So yeah, hopefully I'll be getting on the writing train very soon.

In addition, we had a great day in Newburyport.  I really, really love that area.  It's such a New England town with the cute shops, great restaurants and cafes, and the picturesque cobblestone and ocean views.  Really it's one of those place I would love settle down in permanently but it's a bit away of Dave. I really wish he worked in Boston.  At least that would allow us to utilize the trains into the city from all these great towns and it would be far easier than driving back and forth from the multiple locations he has to go to on a daily basis.  Really though, there are a ton of places I would love to settle down in and at the moment I don't think either of us are ready for that yet.

short post

I love getting out of work before 11pm.  It makes such a huge difference.  I am feeling more tired than I normally do but I think it's just a matter of getting used to the new schedule and how busy it can be.  Overall though, I'm liking my new hours.  Next week, I have to see what it will be like to add Wednesdays to the schedule.  Maybe I won't like it so much then.  We'll see.

Before work I went to lunch with my former boss and my former coworker.  All the worries and concerns and hours I spent analyzing how I was going to leave were worth it in the end.  I still have her respect and that's all I wanted.  I wanted things to end properly.  It helps that the people they hired are crazies so my crazy doesn't look as bad.  Lunch was great though.  I'm glad I went despite being slightly anxious.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with my accountability partners (hopefully-we still need to establish an exact time and place but I'll send them texts in the morning).  I'm so very excited for our first meeting!

On the upswing

Super quick post tonight.  Great day today.  I'm sad that I have to go back to work tomorrow but I do need the money.  Anyway, I had a such a wonderful night with Dave tonight.   Actually over the last two nights we've been able to spend some great quality time together.  Maybe it's St. Valentine's influence this week or the new work schedule that has me out a little bit earlier than usual.  Whatever it is, I hope it stays.  In addition, I did a little bit of work on the apartment as well which was nice.  Dave is going to pick up the final items needed for my alcove of an office.  That will be one "room" fully complete hopefully within the next couple of days.  

Anyway, my mood swings are all over the place this week.  Just two days ago I was so down and depressed and anxious.  Tonight on riding high.  Geez, if I'm a manic-depressive in addition to all my other psychological issues I don't know what I'll do.  Hopefully though, it's just hormones.  Turns out, I don't actually have my friend yet but I am expecting her visit any day now.

Follow up

First I need to say, "Happy Birthday Laura!"  My little sister turned a quarter of a century today.  She invited me to go out and play trivia with her tonight but Dave and I already had a belated Valentine's Day date planned so I was unfortunately unable to make it.  I hope she is not too disappointed in me for not going.  Really, I never expected the invite as she normally does her own thing on the anniversary of her birth and I was thrilled to get it.  I did need the time with Dave though after last night so it was probably for the best.

As you all know and as it's clearly evident from last night's post, February is not a good month for me.  Although this year it hasn't been too bad.  I am feeling a lot better since writing my post last night.   I woke up this morning to find that I received my monthly friend so I'm hoping it's just my hormones going wild.  I'll need all the help I can get if/when I get pregnant.  I feel badly for Dave already.  I really do wish I wasn't so unstable.  Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my meltdown.  Two years ago, I was unable to go to sleep the entire night because I had one panic attack after the other after the other.  By the time Dave woke up that morning I was seriously contemplating checking myself into a psychiatric hospital.  I had heard of panic attacks and had one or two in my life but never like that.  Never without warning.

Since then I've gone by leaps and bounds but I still have these setbacks like yesterday.  I hate that I still do feel responsible.  After Dave read my post he say that he thought it was ironic that after looking at websites to help victims of domestic violence, I found myself justifying his violence all the more.  What is up with that, indeed? Despite all the work I've done with my therapist and by myself, I don't feel like I've made the gains I wanted.  Sure, I'm not have a panic attack everyday or even every couple of months but I still feel so far behind the curve.  Why can't I just let it go?  Why can't I just accept it and move on?

My therapist says that it's probably has to do with the fact that I'm facing the challenge of recreating myself.  She says that right now I'm still grieving the loss of who I could have been.  I feel like I've been destroyed and I'm grieving that loss and I'm angry and I'm not ready to let that go.  Clearly, because when I attempting to find meaning last night, I just fell further back into a downward spiral.  I'm inpatient.  I'm unwilling to just sit in the discomfort of it all.   I want to take action.  I want to actually do something to make it go away.  I kept asking her, "what do I need to do?"  She asked what I already tried to do... planning a wedding, diving into two jobs, putting a ton of effort into a achieving my goals.  They are distractions.

It's the "once I get/have this" syndrome.  Once I'm married, I'll feel whole and complete.  Once I find the right career.  Once I pay back our debts.  Once I stop writing fragmented sentences.  She is right when she says that nothing external will help me.  It's something that needs to come from inside.  I get it.  It's like how I found it impossible to trust myself when I first went to her.  I couldn't trust my feelings or my opinions or even my thoughts.  It was horrible and that didn't heal overnight.  If anything that took two years of me speaking my thoughts and following my desires.  But first, I had to just deal with how uncomfortable it made me feel for quite a long, long time.   I had to deal with the fact that I just didn't know myself at all and take the time to listen to me again.

This is going to take time too.  I'm just so unwilling to wait.  I want it and I want it now.  I don't want to have to recreate myself.  I don't even know where to begin.  Maybe I just have to shut up and listen.  I need to stop trying to force it with thought and action.  Who knows, maybe I will someday be able to become my own master.  I will it was as easily as Aladdin wishing that I could be free.

This post is super depressing and not worth reading

I don't want to write tonight at all.  Possibly because the things on my mind aren't exactly what I want to talk about at the moment.  I had another therapy session today and it was a tough one.  In addition, I also went and looked at some websites regarding domestic violence.   I want to maybe join a group or find a cause that I can get behind. Try and create some semblance of meaning to what happened.  I don't know what happens to me though.  I look on the sites and I read through some of the signs of domestic violence and I begin to feel guilty because I did some of the things listed to him.  Maybe I'm just as much the abuser as the abused.

I'm not an easy person to be with and I know that.  I definitely wasn't a good person to be with when I was with him.  Reading through some of the signs, I can't deny that I inflicted some of that on him.  I yelled at him constantly and said things that were belittling, hurtful, and downright terrible.  To this day, I still ask Dave to send me a text when he gets home or gets to work.  For me, it's to quell the "he might be dead" anxiety that runs through my mind and when I demanded it from Greg it was for the same reason.  I never felt the need to "check up on him" but maybe that was how it was perceived.  I desperately longed for Greg to be someone different and I made that distinctively clear in ways that could be and probably would be considered abusive.

Even my parents expressed concern.  When Dave and I almost broke up a few years ago, my parents remember how I treated Greg and immediately wanted to make sure that wasn't how I was treating Dave.  They witnessed my freak outs at him, the nights I spent screaming and yelling at him through the phone.   They heard many of the cruel and awful things I would say.  Maybe he too is suffering from PTSD from the emotional torment I put him through.  What if he is? Could I have inflicted that much hurt? Did I destroy him as much as he destroyed me?  Did he do what he did as his way of fighting back?  I belittled him, made him feel like he was worthless and a bum so he took control the only way he knew how.  That was his way of forcing his will with a more silent, subversive form of pain.

Yes, I acknowledge that what he did was wrong.  Very wrong.  But my actions, they were wrong too.  I should have never started dating him to begin with.  I didn't want to; I wasn't interested.  I wasn't even really attracted to him.  Something about him made me feel off and I told him so in the most brutal and tactless way even before we started dating.  I told him I wasn't all that interested, that I was still in love with someone else, that if we were to date it wouldn't last because I really wasn't attracted to him or wanted to be with him at all.  I remember having that conversation specifically.  He pursued me anyway.  I think I became a challenge.  I felt guilty saying no.  I didn't want to hurt him so I went along anyway.  Then I don't know what happened but it became imperative that I change him.  Maybe I didn't want him to begin with but he could become that person.   Suddenly it was like that became my challenge and I set out to change him into what I wanted.

It was a lost cause to begin with.  Everyone knows you can't change someone.  You can't make someone be anything that they aren't.  He wasn't stupid.  In fact, I still think he is one of the smartest people I know.  He read me like I was an open book.  He knew how I felt.  I can't even begin to imagine  being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you.  I started dating him because I felt guilty.  I was afraid to hurt him.  In the end, I hurt him far worse than I could have ever imagined.  There's a part of me that wants to tell him I'm sorry for everything I said but I'm too afraid.  Regardless, I still fear him.  I don't want him anywhere near me.  Not that saying sorry would magically undo all the pain I caused him.  If he were to contact me and apologize, it certainly wouldn't ease anything that I'm going through.

No, instead I have to learn to live with how I treated him as my as I have to learn to how to live with the way he treated me.  You would think that I might find some comfort in the thought of hurting him while we dated but there's zero comfort.  If anything, I feel like it makes everything worse.  I'm purposely delaying, I don't want to use the words, "maybe what happened to me is partly my fault."  I know what that sounds like but really, who am I kidding?  I was not the sweet, soft-spoken, demure little girl who just wanted him to love me and didn't deserve being mistreated at all.  I was a downright bitch to him throughout the majority of our relationship.  I was demanding and mean and I thought I was better than him.  So no, I know how badly it sounds but a part of me still believes it was just his way of trying to deal with me.  If I was that girl who loved him for who he was and not for who I wanted him to be, maybe he wouldn't have felt like he had to do what he did.  Maybe our relationship wouldn't have been about who had the most power and control.

God, I wish I had the non-abusive dysfunctional teenage romance.  Actually, I just wish I never had a teenage romance (if can call what I had a "romance") at all.

Extra Work

I went into work early today to pick up some extra hours and ended up agreeing to a semi-permanent increase in hours.  Really, it's okay though as I do want to make more money.  I'm still under 40 hours (barely) and compared to working the two jobs I'm can't imagine it being that difficult.  I hope not anyway.  My boss is really awesome though.  When she asked me she was completely understanding of the fact that I am looking to move out of a call center environment and that I'm not 100% dedicated to working during the day if I can find something else somewhere else.   On the bright side, this is a trial run.  If I can't stand it or it just doesn't work for me then I can go back to my traditional nights.  So yeah, super excited to make some more money.

It was a long day so I didn't do any work on the apartment when I got home.  Honestly, I haven't done much of anything and I will be going to bed as soon as my episode of The Biggest Loser is over.  Got a therapy appointment tomorrow and then back to work.

Apartment work!

Speed post time.  I can't believe it's almost midnight.  I've been up since 6:30 and haven't napped so I'm surprised by how quickly our evening went by.  We were busy bees though tonight and accomplished a lot of the things we wanted to do yesterday but I was too much of a slug to handle.  Our living room is almost completely done!  We finally hung the shelves we bought over a month ago.  In addition, I went through and organized a few of the many, many boxes piled with more stuff than I even knew we had.  Seriously, how did we accumulate so much in the 2 years that we've been here?  I mean, I shouldn't be that surprised as I continuously shocked myself every time the spring semester ended and I had to pack up my dorm room.

Overall, I'm really happy with the progress made tonight and I can safely say we are about halfway done.   Yes, all this work and we're only about halfway but when I set out to do something I go all out.   It might take me forever to get started or things may sit in a giant mess for months waiting for me to tackle it again and finish what I started but I do eventually get there--most of the time anyway.  There is still a lot to do.  There are four more boxes of stuff sitting in the middle of our kitchen waiting for me to siphon through it and there are two more bags in the hallway.

Not to mention the kitchen which no matter how many times I go through and clean it, it somehow manages to become all cluttered and filthy in such a short time.  We still have to hang smaller shelves in the hallway, complete the bathroom, begin/finish the bedroom, and finish our office space.  Once all that is done I think we will find ourselves quite content and maybe give ourselves a bit of a break (a few months) before tackling the storage unit we have.  I'm hopeful that we may actually get a lot of this completed much sooner than I was beginning to expect from ourselves.  We're halfway there!!

Little steps

I felt like I wasn't able to wake up today.  Even after waking up I felt like I was in a fog.  We scheduled a massage for me on the drive home from Ogunquit for 5pm and we got home around 1:30pm.  Because tonight ends up being an early night for me, I didn't want to take a nap but while I was trying to do other things, I found myself slipping further and further into sleep.  At a certain point Dave came out to talk with me and found me sleeping while sitting up.  He helped me get more comfortable on the couch and came to wake me when it came time to get ready to go for my massage except that I couldn't get up.  I just felt so tired so he cancelled my appointment and I went to bed for at least another hour or so.

On the other hand, I did work on writing for the new blog and I have one and a half posts.  I'm hoping to actually publish something really soon.  Alright, that's enough for today.

Regular day when away

Today is our final day away.   There's a small part of me that is okay with that.  We've enjoyed our time together here.  Really what I am most reluctant to leave here is the overall feeling of relaxation that accompanies us.   I've made comments throughout our time here about how relaxed Dave appears.   Initially, he denies it.  It's true though.  I'm not sure if he is 100% aware of the change but it's subtle and I see it clearly.  His demeanor is different.  He's not as tense as he is when work is looming over him and the other daily stresses.

Even Maui didn't give him this same sort of vibe which has really gotten me thinking.  It's my personality to be constantly on the go when I'm away.  Rarely do  I just relax and just do nothing.  Normally, I come home and my daily routine seems more carefree.  The cliche, needing a vacation from your vacation describes my approach.  My normal motto is that if I can do it at home then why would I waste time doing it while I'm away?  The whole point to being away is to do things that you can't do at home.  Combine that with the mentally of, "what if we never come back here?  We need to do it all now!" and poor I can understand why Dave didn't find Maui as relaxing as these 3 days.

So like I said earlier, I've started thinking about future and potential vacations.  We are hoping to do a Disney trip with my parents during this year's holiday season.  Disney isn't as stressful because I've been there so often that the pressure isn't as intense and I've learned how to navigate the area.  I know when to go to what parks, which rides are worth waiting for, and planning is easy.  Still, rarely do I plan for regular downtime while I'm there and I'm beginning to rethink that.  Will we really be missing out on that much if we spent a few hours by the pool, watching a movie, or playing a card game?   Scheduled downtime will be an adjustment for me but it may be one of those things that offer more reward than sacrifice.

Maine

There's not much to do around here in the middle of the winter but that didn't stop us from having a good time today.  It wasn't too cold considering it's February but there was just nothing open.  This place is hopping during the summer months.  I can only imagine what it's like here for the residents.  If you're a business owner you must love the summer months but if you live down the street, the craziness must drive you insane.  I've never lived in a purely tourist area especially not one with an "off season."  The difference between now and what it will be in June is crazy.

Regardless, we drove around for a while and ended up at the Kittery Outlets where we had a fabulous lunch.  The place was super cute and the food was delicious.  On the way home we stopped at the grocery store and picked up dinner.  Out of all the cool things about this hotel, the best one is the enormous jacuzzi tub in the middle of our bedroom.  It's the reason we chose this place so once we got home we relaxed which led to a wonderful nap.  Now, to enjoy the evening.

Away!

Wow, I really needed this vacation!  Even just this day/night was great.  We slept in, lingered a bit, and arrived here around 6pm.  I got over the apartment being a mess and made sure to leave the apartment dark and cold so that when they come to inspect the place,  they won't want to stay long.  Hopefully it won't be as bad as I am fearing.  Regardless, until now I haven't thought about it and won't think about it until I get back home.

It's amazing just what a change in location does for the spirit.  Dave and I have had such a wonderful evening.  We got a chance to really reconnect and just enjoy each other without the daily stresses weighing us down.  Both of us, I think, would benefit from approaching life and each other that way at home as well.  Of course, that's part of what makes this getaway so special.  It's romantic, fun, and perfect.  Now time to go back to it!

Going away

Tomorrow Dave and I are going away to Ogunquit, ME!  Sure, it's only about an hour away but it will be good to just get away.  Change locations and scenery.  While we are away, our apartment is going to be inspected which makes rather concerned. The apartment isn't in the best of shape and I'm afraid that they are going to quarantine it. I want to go into a cleaning frenzy but it is already so late.  On the other hand, I'm concerned that I won't be able to leave it like this if I know there will be others coming in to look around.  Really, I'm wondering why they want to do it in general.  I feel like that haven't done it in a while so I'm hoping that they aren't going to make a big stink for us nailing things into the walls and whatnot.

Anyway, I'm going to pick up a little bit.  So excited for the next couple of days!

Pieces

The girls and I were talking at work about teaching.  Although I'm the only one with an actual degree in education two of my coworkers are looking to become early childhood teachers.  One has majored in psychology and is looking to teach young children.  She has a preschool license and works with children often.  Another one of my coworkers wants to eventually go back to school and open up her own daycare.  Of course, I know as much as anyone that teaching is severely underrated in what is required; however, both of my coworkers are more than willing to take the necessary classes needed to give the basic knowledge of classroom techniques, teaching, and management.  The more I've learned, the more I realized that you either have the skills, patience, and compassion or you don't.  Not everyone can teach though many people think they can.

Anyway, that was a very opinionated diatribe which some of you will probably disagree with but I'm okay with that.  Really, it was just nice to talk about the different learning styles.  Whole word reading versus phonics and things of that nature.  I miss those conversations.  I miss working with the kids and helping piece together words.  A very large part of me still wonders if I could do it.  I'd like to believe that I could and that it was just one terrible experience that discounted my confidence.  Either way though, my confidence was shattered and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of my non-teaching self.  I don't have the strength to try and fix that along with everything else.

Speaking of working to piece myself back together again, I had another therapy session.  God, I look forward to the day when therapy isn't a weekly necessity and I can just drop by every month or so to analyze the my general feelings of past weeks.  All of this baggage gets heavy once in a while.  Nevertheless, we did stumble upon some really interesting issues today.  Issues are still affecting me way too much in the present day for me to feel comfortable discussing but they are things for me to thing about and percolate on.  I have another appointment scheduled for next week so hopefully I can do a lot of processing this week and make greater strides at the next session.  I just need to remind myself to be patient.

Just keep swimming

Long day.  I always forget that I wake up at 6:30 on Sundays and wonder why I'm so tired at 11pm.  Perhaps I'd have more energy if it wasn't for the super disappointing Superbowl.   I'm not going to go into it because the feelings are rather raw for my husband.  So with respect to him, that is all I will say on the topic.

We spent the evening at my sister's house and aside from what was on television we had a good night.  Earlier, before the game started we talked about competitiveness.  Somewhere along in the conversation I learned that I was actually a very, very good swimmer.  Super slow but had great technique.  I never knew.  All I knew was that I got to the highest level and there was nowhere for me to go but competition and I was into skating more at the time.  I was hardly 11 when I stopped swimming and it was so long ago.   So that was a new, interesting tidbit I learned about myself.

That will be how I remember today.   I was a good swimmer in my childhood and I'm going to take that to bed with me.

Changing Names

Dave and I finally updated our Facebook statuses so we are officially Mr. and Mrs. D. It's exciting!  Dave's been wanting to do this for a couple of days now but I was reluctant.  I didn't want to do it flippantly.  We've gone this long since our wedding before changing our names on Facebook (we wanted it to be actually official before we made it Facebook official) and I just didn't want to do it quickly and with little thought.  I wanted to enjoy the moment.  I wanted to post a picture from our wedding day as a new profile picture and change to the Timeline format which I actually really like.  

Honestly, that's all I wanted to discuss today. Good night!

Yesterday's appointment

Thinking about my therapy session yesterday, I am having a hard time accepting what we discussed.  Every fiber of my being just longs to be better, to not panic over nothing, to just be normal.  However, despite the significant gains that I've made thus far, I am not better.  I do still get scared for no reason at all.  I obsess over thoughts that I know I shouldn't have.  I feel guilty and get really frustrated.  I close down and detach emotionally.

The difficulty I'm having writing about it now indicates just how strong the discussion had on me.  I actually have an appointment on Monday morning which I'm incredibly grateful for as I'm still really bothered by it.  I don't know how to resolve this issue.  I'm not sure where to go and I need more assistance.  On the more positive side, the techniques she's given me has slowed the thoughts.  I've also  tried to be more compassionate about the thoughts I do have and not get so upset with myself.

It will take time and more therapy but I'm so lucky that I have a wonderful doctor to work with.  I'm slowly coming around to the idea that I need additional assistance.  Like before, I know I will get through this phase and my reluctance to deal with it is just that: reluctance.  It's unpleasant.  I'd rather avoid it but that doesn't solve anything.  I can't go around it.  I have to go through it and I will and I will be stronger for it (hopefully).

Better

Thank goodness for therapy.  It's a nice place to go and just cry for an hour which is basically what I did.     It was something I needed though.  We talked a lot about what was bothering and why it might be bothering.  I figured that I would talk about it more here but I'm not sure if it's because it's late or because I'm tired I just don't feel like going into it.

As far as good news goes, Dave and I went to the bank and had our names changed with them.  We deposited my checks from my past job and ordered checks with our names on it.  This means that we will be able to send the checks into Sallie Mae to begin paying down our debts sooner.  I'm super excited!  We also went to dinner at my parents' house where we began planning for a trip down to Disneyworld again.  I haven't been there with them since I was nine.  It's exciting to be going with them.   More on that later.

Now it's time to sleep.

Tough Day

I had a really tough day today and night last night.  After writing my post last night I struggled to go to sleep.  I kept tossing and turning with thoughts racing through my head.  Despite using many of the techniques I've learned with therapy, it still took me hours to fall asleep.  Finally, I managed to fall asleep but then was woken up only an hour or two later to Dave tossing and turning.  His neck was killing him and after about 45 minutes of trying to go back to sleep, he decided it was best to just wake up.  By this time, I too was awake and felt miserable.  I tried to go back to sleep but I just couldn't.   My thoughts wouldn't slow down long enough to being to dream.  It got to the point where I had to ask Dave for my anti-anxiety pill.

Within a half hour I was asleep and I didn't wake up until 3:30.  I wish I could say that after all that sleep I  felt better but I didn't.  I actually felt a whole lot worse.  This time though it was depression.  I just laid there staring at the ceiling trying to motivate myself to climb out of bed.   When I did get out of bed it didn't last long.  Dave came home and could tell that the past couple of days have been hard on me.  He wanted me to talk about it but I felt guilty about discussing some of the thoughts.  I went into them a bit and then just broke down.

I heard myself saying things like, "I don't feel like a person.  I'm afraid but I don't know why.  I'm angry but I don't know why.  I just want to disappear."  He promised that I could disappear if I promised he could call me back when needed.  He felt so badly for me and I hated that I couldn't explain it.  He let me go back to sleep again and when I woke up I did feel better.  Detached but better.  I think Dave is convinced that something really bad happen at this time of the year because this happens to me like clockwork.  If something did happen, I don't remember it.  It would make sense though.

Thank goodness I have another therapy appointment tomorrow.  I need it.  He cooked me some soup and we played a rousing game of Monopoly and I now feel a whole lot better.  Hopefully, I can say that my freak out for this February has passed.