Happy New Year!

This is the last post of the whole year!!!  It's December 31st and with the publishing of this post, I can safely say that I have written for an entire year.  Dave, Jamie, Ian, and I are in a Newport hotel room and I decided to write now because we have massive amounts of alcohol that I will enjoy as soon as I finish this post.  So I'm writing this post now because I didn't want to run the risk of passing out without writing on the last day (which would so happen if I wasn't actively aware that it could).  Also, I didn't want my last post of the year to be written in a drunken haze.

At the moment Dave and Ian are having guitar fun time.  Ian, in some twist, has become Dave's guitar teacher.  It's really cute.  He's been practicing all week so that he and Ian could play more tonight.  It's been adorable.  I was enjoying it because it meant that he was expanding his repertoire.  Then when Jamie and I came back from borrowing Jumanji and Happy Feet from the front desk (we plan to get drunk to those later) we heard him playing the same old tune only this time Ian had expanded on it which made it sound cooler but I want him continue growing.

So why are in Newport, RI?  Mainly because the hotels in New Hampshire were closed.  Last year we hung out for New Year's Eve but got so drunk and stayed up so late that we never got to see the sunrise.  I totally loved that night and also missed watching the sunrise.  So we came up with the idea of staying on the water so that we'd be close.  All the hotels in New Hampshire are closed for the season so here we  are.  Happy New Year Everyone!

Fortunate and Thankful

I just took a look at Boston.com's The Year in Pictures: Part 1 and it really made me stop and think about how lucky we are in this country.  Incredibly, incredibly lucky.  We have this tendency to focus on what's wrong and all the small shenanigans at play.  Sure, the concerns the citizens of this country have are very important.  I myself, get caught up and overemotional about them too.  However, looking through these photos, I can't help but realize how safe, secure, and okay everything really is in this country.  Does that mean we won't get there, of course not but we aren't there yet.  There are so many people who live everyday in legitimate fear (not the stupid irrational fear that I fear at times).  Their fear is real.  They and their loved ones could be killed or harmed any moment.

Sure I understand the Occupy Wallstreet movement and many other "issues" we have in this country.  Like I said before, we have some serious, serious flaws.  I wish we could totally restructure the system and try again but I don't live in fear that a bomb could blow up next to me, that I won't get shot in the head during a protest, that I might not have a warm, home to return to at the end of the day.  It saddens me.  I don't get it. I don't understand what it must be like to live in a society like that.  The United States got their most recent glimpse of the terror on September 11, 2001.  There are so many other countries where it feels like that everyday and I can't imagine that.

I'll be honest.  On big days like New Year's Eve and 4th of July,  I do quietly get nervous that something terrible could happen.  I then remember that September 11th wasn't a special day.  It was an ordinary day just like any other but you can't live in fear like that.  I don't know.  Normally, I don't look at pictures like this but when I do I just wish I had the power to make things right.  Unfortunately, wishing for world peace is something that is more than a cliche.  It's impossible.  All I can do is give them my thoughts and just remember how incredibly, incredibly lucky I am that I was born in this country to my family.   Really, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world right now.

Brief Post

First things first.  I'm going to write this post before I begin falling asleep.  The past couple of posts have just been ridiculous especially last night's when I was half asleep.  Unfortunately my desperate attempts to write and not fully wake up didn't work.  When I put the computer down, I tried to fall back asleep and just ending up laying there.  I gave myself 20 minutes and then ended up waking up.  Last night, I spent most of the night working on my wedding budget.

 My sister requested it and I wanted to help her.  Plus it put it into a better perspective for me, as well.  I wanted it to be thorough and organized so I looked through prior statements, grouped the transactions, and placed them into an Excel spreadsheet for her.  She also asked us recently which things we would change and what we liked the most so I tried to include that in there for her.   It was actually a nice thing to keep on file for us later on in our lives.

I have so many things on my list of things to do and I plan to actually do some of them tonight.  The 27 Goals Project hasn't worked out so well.  I need to get back on that and actually do something.  I am making progress on the goals; I've just done nothing to document them like I hoped.  Alright I need to continue making more progress.

Midnight necessity

This is going to be super quick tonight,  I found myself struggling to stay awake and put myself to bed.  Dave actually just woke me up to make sure that I wrote for the night.   How awesome is that? He's so good to me.  Anyway my goal is to just type my two paragraphs and stop so I can go back to sleep.  Is it bad that I'm looking at what's I've written thus far and getting annoyed that I'm not further along?  I feel like Charles Dickens being paid by the word except that I'm not being be paid and my writing doesn't quite have the "best of times and worst of times" ring to it.

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water and you keep yourself in that half asleep state so as to not wake up fully?  That way it's easier to fall back to sleep once you go back to bed.  I think that this is the longest I've ever kept myself in this mode.  I am very sorry to everyone reading this.  You are all such good friends for putting up with this.  A goal is a goal and I don't believe that I only have 3 days left.  3 days!  Of course, I don't plan on stopping.  Even posts like this keep up the habit.  I personally believe that this is one of the best habits I've developed in my life.  But yes, in 3 days I will have officially met my goal.  If I allowed myself to be more awake I might actually feel more excited.  It's time to go back to bed.

Paranoia

I'm tired and I don't want to write.  How many times have I used that as an opening?  Too many, I know.  Around 10pm, I was struggling to stay awake at work.   I couldn't wait to go home, type out whatever nonsense I felt like and go to bed.  Then I stepped outside.  It was cold, rainy, windy, and it woke me right up.   Irritating.  By the time I got home, I was in a funk and threw myself under my headphones to escape from the world for a while.  Not sure if that was the healthiest way to handle whatever it was but it seemed to work.

Really, today my paranoid insecurities were out to play.  They are still having quite a good time on the swing set in my mind, actually.  By the time I came home tonight, I felt like I could go from having two jobs to having no jobs and then what would I do?  Of course, there was absolutely nothing that happened outright that prompted this but still I can't help but feel this way.  During the day, my boss said that she spoke to the owner and he mentioned hiring someone to help her on the business development side which she spoke with one of my coworkers about but gave her no update on my situation.  Obviously, that means that they're reconsidering me for the job, right?  Like I said, paranoid much?

At my second job my team lead pulled a few reports and determined that our SLAs are too low.  Sure, I've been there longer than most but with the wedding and this other job, I haven't given extra hours like everyone else.  That and I allowed so much time to accrue that I've had a ton of time off which makes me feel like I'm not meeting expectations and that they aren't going to want to continue to have me on.  Again, it was nothing egregious.  No one actually complained about my performance or lack of it but I still feel like my days are numbered.

Slipping under my headphones for an hour helped distract me from these doomsday thoughts.  Really, I'm not quite sure what I can do about them except just continue to go to work and do what I can.  As I've said before, I just need to see what happens.  If I lose them both then the day job clearly wasn't for me and I've always thought that my night job letting me go might be the only way that I end up leaving it.  It's comfortable now and the people are amazing; I don't particularly want to leave.   Anyway, I can already see that this current train of thought is going to lead me in circles.  It's probably best that I just go to bed.  I'll think about it tomorrow.

Not much to write tonight

I got a second Christmas gift from my work today.  Okay, it wasn't really a gift but it felt like one.  I went into work tonight and everyone looked at me and was like, "what are you doing here?"  At first I was a bit confused but then they all told me that I had the night off.  I completely forgot about it.  The best part was that it wasn't busy at all today so I didn't even feel bad about going home.  It felt like Christmas all over again.  I got the entire day off today.  Of course, I have to go in and do a double again tomorrow but I'm writing this post before 11pm which wouldn't be possible.

Because I didn't do much today, I don't have much to discuss here tonight.  It felt good to catch up on my sleep and do a few more things that I've been too busy to do.  I wish I had done more but I shouldn't be so hard on myself.  I have so many different things in the works and I long for the days back in college when I would stay up late and get things done.  Now, despite the extra sleep I'm still tired at 11pm.  I don't want to ignore the tiredness because I am trying to get back into a routine of going to bed at a reasonable hour and waking at a reasonable hour.   Also, I totally don't feel like writing so I'm going to call it a night tonight.

Happy Christmas

Merry Christmas!!  I hope you all had as nice of a Christmas as I had today.  After sleeping over at my sister's place, we went to my parents' house.  There we opened presents like we were still five years old.  I think it's still funny that our family still abides by the tradition of gathering around the tree, my sister and I taking turns unwrapping gifts.  Of course, the presents have changed over the years and I can't help but feel like my parents are just doing too much.  I mean, I'm almost thirty now.  I feel like one gift would be more than enough.  Nevertheless, they got Dave and me a nice picture frame with a wedding photo in it, a beautiful ornament commemorating our first Christmas together, and a membership to the Museum of Science.  I also received an evergreen sweater and some other nice gifts as well.  

My sister, Ben, Dave, and I got together to buy my mother her ornaments and my dad hockey skates.  Laura and Ben want to build an ice rink the way my dad used to when we were little.  Laura bought Ben a pair of skates, then bought a second pair which she decided to gift to Dave instead.  I'm really excited that he now has a pair of skates because now we can go skating together.  The past couple of times we've gone to the rink he's had to rent skates which have always left him feeling super uncomfortable and in pain.  Dave's gift to me was the highlight.  He completely surprised me with a kindle.  I'm super excited about it.  He's going to download books on it for me too. 

The coolest part of the day was hanging out with my grandmother and teaching her how to use a computer.  She is super sharp.  I can only hope that I'm half as quick as she is when I'm her age.  From her experience as a typist, she is already better at typing than many people I know.  Of course, the spacing between the keys on a laptop are very different than those on a typewriter and that threw her off and frustrated her a bit but she caught on super quickly.  We showed her how to use e-mail and created a Facebook page for her.  Dave even gave her a link to my blog here (hi grandma!).  She was cautioned that is not a organized, well-written, or entirely optimistic place of writing for me.  Hopefully she won't become too upset or think any less of me after reading this. 

Overall, another wonderful Christmas had by our family.  

Twas the Night Before Christmas

It's the night before Christmas and I'm writing at my sister's new home.  Dave and I are staying here because they have to go up to Maine tomorrow to celebrate Christmas with his parents as well. So they will have to leave early tomorrow so they can take the trek up.   Understandably, they didn't want Dave and I arriving in the mid-afternoon and give them a late start.  It's true that is probably what would happen if we did head back to our apartment.  We wouldn't want to wake up and totally end up getting there later than expected. 

Last year, I wasn't able to enjoy the Christmas Eve festivities due to work and it was good to see everyone this year.  Every year, my uncle hosts Christmas at his house. There is always a delicious meal served with lobster, spaghetti, and ravioli.  They had lobster ravioli and regular ravioli.  Both lobster sauce and regular sauce.   It's all just so good.  We actually picked up Dave's mom so that she could join us this year.  It was really nice for her to be there.   She is just as much a part of my family now and all of them are and it was nice that she could be there with us.   Despite her not celebrating Christmas, she handled it all very well and she had a good time. 

The biggest downside that it took almost two hours to get home considering we had bring her back home and then drive back to my sister's place.  It was worth it though to have her there with us this year.  Next year, I'm scheduled to work Christmas Eve again.  We'll see where I am at this time next year.  Hopefully, I still be able to join the party.  I have such a good time. 

Happy Birthday Mom!

Happy birthday mom! I hate that her birthday falls so close to Christmas because we never really end up doing anything special for her as a result. As a child she would always receive the dreaded birthday/Christmas combination gift. She would tell the story about when she was a child her siblings would receive a $5 bill for their birthdays and a $5 bill for Christmas. My mom, on the other hand would receive just one $5 bill as a birthday/Christmas gift. Sadly my sister and I have continued with this unfair ritual. On Christmas she receives the Hallmark ornaments on her list with a " happy birthday and merry Christmas" wish. There's no taking mom out dinner-it's just Christmas dinner.  Even this year, with all the craziness I didn't get her a separate gift. I'm such a terrible daughter. It's one thing to not do anything at 17 and another thing entirely at 27.

My mom deserves so much more than the very little we end up doing for her. She always gave us more of herself than she really should have and I feel like I am selfish person for taking advantage of it and giving so little back. In the end though I thinks she does know how much we love her. She is one of the most important people in my life. Yes, she is my mother but now she's also one of my best friends.  I tell her everything and she is still the first or  second person I call when something big or small happens in my life. She is still the person I go to in order to evaluate big decisions though I'm trying to grow up a bit more and not go to her as much.  Anyway, she is a wonderful woman and the best mom.  Love you mom!

Slight anxiety

My meeting went well today.  I must admit.  I would like this to work out.  Honestly, it's scares me to say this but it's true.  The truth is I would actually like working here full time.  I would like to begin leading a relatively normal life again.  Maybe make a bit more money and gain a lot of skills.  The person I met with help me ease my fears regarding the company.  Yes, we are start up company and there is a lot of risk but  the owners of the company have already done this once.   They last company they had started with 4 people in a one room office (including the president) and by the time they sold it a couple of years ago there were 3500 employees.  They sold the company for 15 million dollars.

These two companies are their next project.  It makes sense that I would be part of a start up company.  Especially a start up company in the education field.  A part of me feels like I should be here.   I feel like I'm almost meant to be here.  However, there are many things that I thought were meant to be that never amounted to anything so I'm nervous.  I don't actually have this job yet.  Not at all.  I have still yet to meet the owner of the company.  He will be coming to visit in January.   What if he doesn't feel like I'm worth it.  He is a businessman after all.  He'll be looking at the bottom line.

There's also that terrible contract with the temp agency.  The company is under a contract with my temp agency that they pay 40% of my first year's salary.  That's nuts.  Sure I would not have found this place without the temp agency but I think it's pretty crappy that if I like the job and the people at the job like me, they have to pay 40% of what they give me.  That means that if they pay me $40K (I wish), they are actually paying close to $70K. Not cool.  Not cool at all.  I get that's how they make their money and all but seriously.

Ah well.  I just have to wait and see.  I've got another long day ahead of me tomorrow but then it's Christmas.  My gosh, how is it already Christmas?

possiblities

It's 10 o'clock and it feels both early and late at the same time.  I can't decide if this hour should be bedtime and hope to extend my mornings or if I should just embrace the next two hours as part of my regular evenings and do something with them.  I didn't have the talk with the president of the company today nor did I have the discussion with the person who is working on the project that I was shown.  My meeting with the president was moved until tomorrow morning and I think the meeting with the man project guy will be on Friday.

Basically, I'll tell the condensed version rather than the longer story.  Exactly a week ago, my boss made mention of my staying on over the first two weeks of January.  More specifically, she stated, "Don't make any plans for January, I have you for at least the first two weeks."  Then as a casual aside, she mention, "that is if you still want to be here."  As you know, last week about this time, I was having my doubts.  In fact, I was just trying to make it through the day so I could go home and actually think on them and discuss them with Dave when she asked.  Not knowing exactly what I wanted or what to say I said nothing and hoped she'd move on.

She didn't.  She pounced on me actually wanting to know why I was silent and what was wrong.  Again, unsure, I just responded that I had been thinking about it and just hadn't made up my mind yet.   She wanted more than that.  Flustered, I floundered with my words and said a lot of things that didn't come out right and the entire meeting was very uncomfortable.  It ended with her basically throwing me out of her office, calling in our HR person and closing the door.  I spent my lunch venting on the phone with Dave at how unprofessional I thought her reactions were.

The next day, I didn't go in and spent more time thinking about it.  On Friday we sat down and I expressed my concerns that I didn't want to be a permanent temp and that I wanted to look and see what else was out.  Maybe something that I have a bit more interest in or something that has more to do with my degree.  Sure enough, she mentioned the other side of the company.  The Education side. The next thing I knew, it was Monday and I was meeting with one of the main people there and it was definitely more interesting than anything I have encountered before.

Needless to say, I'm not quite so intent on leaving at the moment.  I sense an opportunity is in front of me and I feel like I should see what happens.  Really, I'm not banking on anything.  I'm sort of just letting it happen or not happen.  I don't want to force anything because that never seems to work for me.  So that's that.  I'll keep you posted and maybe even describe it in more detail later.  We'll see.

Late nights

When I got home from work tonight, I meant to write a longer, more detailed post about my current job situation but found myself talking to Dave.  Last night when I got home he was half-asleep so I wrote my post and we immediately went to bed.  It's not easy though.  A lot can happen in a day for each of us so it's hard that when you finally arrive home the other person is struggling to stay awake.  There is no time for chit chat.  As it is, I feel badly that he's forced himself to stay awake until I get home.

Because I wanted last night's post to be more of a follow up post, I didn't get the chance to write about the events of the day.  Now two full days have past and each day I'm finding myself taking one step in a direction that I didn't anticipate.  So I planned to write it here; however Dave wasn't half asleep so I just started talking to him.  I had two days worth of conversation that I wanted to share and get his feedback on.  Seriously, do you have any idea how lucky I am to have found a man that I can talk to about anything.  I love him so much.

Anyway, after spending an hour and a half talking to him it is now 1am.  It's one in the morning but it feels like 2.  I'm exhausted.  I have another full day tomorrow at work complete with an interview with the president of the company, another meeting with the person who may become a second boss, and possibly a phone conversation with the man who is a key developer on the project I may end up working on.  It's a big day and I'll explain more tomorrow, hopefully.  Tomorrow, this whole thing could be very different but we'll.  Tonight though, I am in need of my sleep.

Thank you

Thank you to those of you who reached out to me today.  I didn't mean to worry you with my post from last night.  Sometimes I forget that other people read what I write and posts like last night's can be difficult for those who love me and don't get the chance to see me on a daily basis.  I'm apologize if I made any of you worry unnecessarily.   I think it's sometimes more difficult to bear witness to someone else's pain than it is to bear it yourself.  When you live it, you don't have a choice yet at the same time you have more control over it than those around you.  You just do it.  It's those around you who want to help and fix it.

I know that you may feel helpless throughout this whole process but you don't know how much help you have already given me.  You read this silly blog on a daily basis.  When you read something that touches you or worries you, you tell me about it and just knowing that you are there for me makes all the difference.  I don't know if what I'm writing is making any sense but please know that I love you all and being loved by you in return is more than I could even begin to ask for.  I'm so incredibly lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.  If I had to deal with one giant scumbag to be able to appreciate it the way I do then I'd deal with him all over again if I had to.

Today was a much better day.  Writing that post proved to be very therapeutic.  I actually wrote it by hand first before typing it up later in the evening.  Once I finished writing I felt as if much of the weight was lifted off my shoulders.  Dave and I worked together to get some of the laundry done, do the dishes, and prepare the pasta salad for my the Secret Santa party at work tonight.  He doesn't want me to do it all myself.  He wants to help; he wants us to do it together.  That is something I can get behind.  Today was one of the first days that I didn't feel like I was in such a fog.  It's not gone but I feel like I'm not hindered the same way by it.

Anyway, thank you so much for all your love and support.  I love you more than you know.

Opening up

Sometimes I feel unsafe.  I feel as if there is danger all around me.  I jump at the slightest noise and overreact to things that present little or no harm. I feel as if I have to be constantly alert all the time.  Still, I find that I'm easily surprised by something unexpected and very jumpy.  Today, my daily life give me little reason to fear things the way I do; however, I utilize the television to support these fears.  I watch shows that focus on horrible events in life.  Shows about death, murder, hostages, and victimization.  I can connect with these shows on some level.  I connect with the victims.  I dissociate from my own experience.  These shows both support and reinforce my feelings that the world is a dangerous place. I've been victimized once but there are many ways for it to happen again.

I live with a constant internal struggle.  I oscillate between trying to deny, hide, push away, "let go" of what happened to me and trying to accept them.  Acceptance feels impossible much of the time, however it doesn't go away despite my constant efforts to suppress them.  Instead, I live in a state of survival..  I go through the motions but never actually experience anything.  I live perpetually disconnected from myself, my feelings, and the world around me.  When not working I continue to escape from the conscious world by sleeping whenever I can.  Even the nightmares are preferable as I can exert some control over them through semi-lucid dreaming.  Hours of oversleeping have helped me develop this skill. Escapism is always the choice over actually living.  Even when awake, I fantasize about being someone else, a better version of myself who cares about herself and the things and people around her.

I don't take care of myself, my belongings, or the people around me.  Though it's extremely embarrassing to admit, I neglect even the most basic necessities.  I go days without a shower, don't brush my teeth regularly, skip meals only to binge later.  The most exercise I get on a daily basis is whatever walking is necessary for me to get to, from, and around the offices I work in.  My apartment is in constant disarray.  The dirty laundry sits in a giant pile on the floor in my room and the hallway, unclean dishes take up space in the sink, days old trash accumulates in multiple bags in the kitchen, and my belongings are strewn about the apartment because I never put things back where they belong.  Because I'm too lazy to exert any effort the majority of food I eat consists of ready made snacks full of sugar or salt.  Sometimes making a peanut butter sandwich seems like too much work so I scoop the peanut butter out of the jar and eat it like ice cream.

The burden of cooking a real meal falls on restaurants and/or my husband Dave.  He finally expressed his frustration last night before going to bed.  We had gotten into a tiff about something small and unrelated and he completely overreact.  Later he opened up and explained how resentful he is growing to this one-sided relationship.  He expressed himself with feelings of guilt because he knows what I am going through and adamantly reiterated that he still loves me very much.  It saddens me that he's held it in for so long and was nervous about telling me.  Of course he has every right to be upset and frustrated- I would be too.  In fact, I would never have had the patience he's had with me.  I've been extremely unfair to him and have taken advantage of one of the most important people in my life. I wish I could say that he is the only one but he's not.  I show up late, cancel things last minute, and forget to return things that others have let me borrow.  I've also been so self-absorbed that I really haven't been there for many of the people closest to me.

All of these are interconnected.  Since finding Greg on that registry I stopped trusting that I won't be overwhelmed by my feelings so I've numbed out and stopped feeling anything.  At some point I stopped believing that I was worth any kind of care and stopped taking care of myself all together. With no pride or reason to care for myself I stopped caring about the things around and stopped thinking about the feelings of others.  By not doing what is needed for myself and my environment, I only feel worse.  I come overwhelmed and exhausted prompting me to sleep all day.

The truth is that I need to make time for my feelings.  I have learned many skills since beginning the process to be able to handle them.  Pushing them down in vain attempt to 'let it go" only makes them stronger.  I have to work that much harder to suppress them and it's exhausting.  I need to make time and room to experience the feelings no matter how much I'd rather not.  They don't go away.  It just becomes easier to dissociate over time.  If I can't do it for myself then I need to at least begin doing it for Dave. It's not fair for him to have to do it all.  When we married, we became partners.  When we married, we became partners.  I need to start acting like one and actually doing my part.

This writing is a start. I allowed myself to express myself is not going to solve anything.  Yes I hit a massive setback.  I fell like I've broken my ankle after years of training for a marathon.  I need to get off my feet, let it heal, and then try to make up for the lost training time.  It's going to be frustrating and painful and slow.  I just need to be patience.

Christmas party

Tough day today.  Really tough.  I almost didn't go to Katie and Jared's party.  Thankfully I did.  I had a good time (despite that Dave and I just got into a huge stupid fight about something that happened during it).  Katie and Jared throw some really great parties.  They invite great people, create a wonderful vibe, and everyone has a great time.  I just can't believe how long it took for me to get there.

Honestly, I slept all day.  Literally all day.  I went to bed yesterday at 1am when Dave got home, tried to wake up at 9 and couldn't.  Slept until noon, still couldn't get out of bed and finally got out of bed around 1:30 in the afternoon.  I got on my computer and just felt like I couldn't function.  Within the hour I went back to bed and back to sleep waking up only upon Dave's insistence around 5 so we could get ready for the party.  Unfortunately this time, I felt like hell.

I had a headache and just wanted to go back to bed.  The idea of getting up, getting dressed, going out in the cold, and staying out late seemed overwhelming to me.  I developed this awful headache and just felt awful.  Finally, when the pain died down and I laid there awake for a bit telling myself that I would totally regret not going.  Really, there is no reason at all that it should have been so difficult.  I hate these mental issues that have seemed to creep back into my life.  I hate the fact that I've done this to myself but being so stupidly curious.

Of course, we had a good time.  I knew I was going to but it still took me forever to get there.  It was so not cool.

Christmas Shopping

Got many of my Christmas gifts tonight.  I love the Liberty Tree mall because it's more of a discount mall than a real one.  Instead of Nordstrom, Macy's, and many of the other higher retail stores the mall is composed of discount stores such as Marshalls, Target, 5 and below, and many others.  All my anxiety about what to buy for the Yankee Swap was unfounded.  As Katie says, the best gift in a Yankee Swap is something you would like to have for yourself and that is exactly what I found.  I would love to keep this gift for myself and there's a small part of me that kind of hopes that no one else wants it.  There was one other at the store so even if someone else does get it then I can command Dave to go back and get the other one while I'm at work. 

I still need to figure something out for one of my coworkers at the day job and I have absolutely no idea what to get.  We'll see what happens.  I have until Wednesday so hopefully something will come of it.  I found something for our Secret Santa at my night job but that was easy.  I knew what I was going to go get her for a while now.  Also found some great stocking stuffers for my coworkers at the night job.  At 5 and Below I found these winter flavored lip balms for $4 for a pack of 7 so I got three and on Sunday I'll place them into their stockings.   In addition, I found a $5 gift for my boss.  She had mentioned wanting to get something to put her iPhone on to play her music so I got her something that does that.  I just hope that for $5, it works.  

Dave is out with his former roommates and it's been nice having the night to myself.  It's so obvious that I'm a newlywed because I already find myself missing him.  Being super tired I might just go to sleep before he comes home tonight which I can't think about too much because I'll start worrying and possibly panicking that something terrible will happen to him.  Thought stopping.  That's the technique for this kind of thing.  

Titles are hard for me

Therapy wasn't as cathartic as I hoped today but I think there's just a lot for me to weigh and process that it can't all happen in one 45 minute session.  There's too much that's happening right now in my life that it's going to take longer than I want.   She gave me a copy of a document called, "The Trauma Information Group Manual" written by colleagues of hers who work at The Victims of Violence Program in Cambridge.  They ask to not be quoted without the authors' permission so I won't but I wish I could because there is so much useful information within the document.  

We discussed a lot of things that I don't quite feel comfortable going into right now.  It's late and I just don't want to rehash those feelings at the moment.  I want to sit and veg out before going to bed.  I'm so lucky because I actually have tomorrow night off but that doesn't mean I won't be busy.  My plan is to do the Christmas shopping that is still very much needed.  I haven't done any of it.  Katie and Jared's Christmas party is this Saturday and I am woefully unprepared.  I don't have a second gift for the Yankee Swap and have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do.  I know it shouldn't be stressing me out but then my nerves are all frayed and honestly, what isn't getting me all anxious.  It's really irritating that my emotions feel so out of control.... again.  

Really, what the hell? Christmas is next weekend.  Seriously, when did that happen?  I need more time.  November felt like it was never going to end but now here's Christmas.  I need to stop being so selfish and start thinking about others.  I've been selfish long enough.

Quidam

Tonight is one of those nights that I'm just not int he mood to write.  Dave and I went to see the Cirque Du Soleil's Quidam at the DCU Center in Worcester.  It was amazing!  I wish I had half the flexibility that some of those women have in that show.  I was introduced to Cirque du Soleil years ago with this exact show when I watched it on DVD.  Between the music and the acts, I was overwhelmed by its awesomeness.  Dave and I took my parents and sister to see a different Cirque show and the acts in that were great but it didn't have the pizzazz or the depth that Quidam had.  The show tonight definitely met my expectations.  The only downside to tonight was that the DCU center is massive and they didn't sell enough tickets.  It is a show that needs a full house and the audience didn't have the electric quality that show like this tends to dictate.  The show is sold out on Friday so the lack of audience definitely had to do with it being a Wednesday.

The biggest downside of tonight was that we didn't get home until after 11.  There is something to be said about getting home prior to 11pm.  It's strange how important that time is over the course of many nights in a row.  It's tiring.  Alright, yeah... I'm done for the night.  This post is over.

Contemplation

I'm super tired so I plan to make this post short.  I know I've said that before but I mean it tonight.  Normally I wait for my coworker to leave with me but it was already 11:20 and I thought I was going to fall asleep right there that I just took my chances and walked out alone.  This schedule is not the easiest thing in the whole to accommodate and it's not getting any easier now that the honeymoon period with my new boss seems to be over.  She's become super nit-picky all of a sudden and I think I'm beginning to see why so many found her challenging to work with.  I mean, she's always been demanding but these past two days it's gone beyond that.

Perhaps she's just having a bad week but both days I've left the office wondering if this job is worth it.  Ideally, I would love to stay on long enough for it to be something I could add to a resume but I don't I'm not sure if sticking it out another 2-3 months is really worth it.  There's no job security and as a result her stress level is always stretched to the max.  Plus, if she's getting on my case now about this kind of stuff, I can't imagine it improving and that will only leave me feeling resentful and that would feed her irritation.  She is a wonderful person who really means well but under the pressure of the situation sometimes her overly demanding behavior is downright obnoxious.  Today was the second day I caught myself rolling my eyes at something she was criticizing me about.  I don't do that so to do it two days in a row is saying something.

One of the many things I've learned from my student teaching hell was that if you can't find a way to put out the fire, you should probably leave the building before it burns you alive.  I don't want to end up in that situation again uselessly tossing buckets of water on an inferno.  So far, I've establish a solid relationship with her and I'd like to keep it that way but it won't happen because I won't be able to continue keeping quiet. Like I said, I'd like this to work but I am seriously contemplating writing a letter of resignation where I indicate a two week notice that she can either accept or have me leave upon my handing it to her.  I just want to do it professionally and with a clear head.  Not every situation works and I need to not try and force it.  

With that, I'm going to bed.  I have another day tomorrow so we'll see how that goes.

Frustration and Disappointment

Today was a super frustrating day.  It appears that my day job is officially a lost cause.  There is absolutely no way we are going to make the numbers that we are responsible for and my boss is having a really hard time accepting this.  She came in late in the game, long after her predecessors destroyed any possibility of completing what they initially told our client we could accomplish.  To my boss's credit, she came in and turned things around in the few short months that she has worked there and I think she was really hoping that we'd be able to save it.  Unfortunately when the expectation was initially set at 10,000 and we probably won't hit 3,000, there is only so much you can do.

I get it.  This is her only job.  This is it for her.  We have no other contracts as of right now and she is feeling the pressure of making magic.  My personal opinion is for her to just let this die, they've already told us they weren't going to use us again and all we can do is what we've been doing.  There's only so much that she can do at this point.  If it were me, I'd be focusing all of my remaining efforts and time on trying to garner new business.  But then, I've only been in the workforce for 3 years, the most of it spent in a call center, what do I know?  Regardless, the pressure is on and she was not very pleasant to work for today.  She's demanding in general but today was a bit absurd.  It was like nothing I did was good enough or done fast enough and she was annoyed that I had to leave for my other job.

It was just ridiculous.  When I finally got to my second job after waiting 20 minutes at the post office (first time this year I hated the fact that Christmas is upon us) and being stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, I came in to find the 2012 holiday schedule.  Not only am I working Christmas Eve again next year but I am also scheduled to work 5-11pm on the 4th of July.  I've said it here before and I'll say it again: the 4th of July is my holiday; it's the only one I actively participate in for more than the necessity of it.  I like Thanksgiving too.  I am super bummed and just had to let it be today.  All I can do at this point is ask my coworkers if they'd be willing to switch and be willing to accept that I may end up with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day or Thanksgiving.

If nobody offers to switch then I really will need to reevaluate the holiday's importance.  This past year's holiday showed me that I'm really the only one who takes it as seriously as I do.  Before, I was under the impression that it meant the same to my parents and my sister but last year my sister didn't go at all and my parents only went to keep me from being too disappointed.  In all truth, it doesn't mean that much to them.  It's not Christmas.  As soon as Thanksgiving is over, their tree goes up and the decorations adorn the living room.  They almost didn't go to the 4th of July this year.  I know that Jamie still cares but she's the only one aside from me and I fear that she only cares because she knows how much I care which I love about her but really, maybe I'm just taking it all too seriously.  There was a time that I would've contemplated leaving my job if they made me work on the 4th of July.  Maybe this year will have to be the year I just get over it.

I really wish I could love Christmas as much as everyone else seems to but in reality, I find it burdensome.  The season just seems so fake.  It used to mean so much more when I actually was religious.  It had the religious significance back then and I could roll my eyes and do my best to overlook the emphasis on buying presents and silly decorations.  All that mattered to me back then was the putting up the nativity set that my nana beautifully painted 50 years ago (just did it last night!).  I didn't care about the Christmas tree, the parties, the presents.  It was about Jesus and that nativity was the perfect representation of all that mattered.  Now though, I don't believe that Jesus is the only way to God.  I'm not even sure what I believe regarding him as a Messiah.

Without that, all that's left is all crazy nonsense: people trampling each other to get a particular gift, Christmas music playing before Thanksgiving begins, lines out the door at the post office, the Secret Santas and the Yankee Swaps which almost always result in your receiving something you neither want nor need and your gift being the exact same for the intended recipient, for my family--it was the ornament hunting that began at the beginning of the season and continued after the New Year.  Please don't get me wrong.  I don't criticize anyone who really enjoys any of these things.  I'm glad that my parents find happiness in their pursuit of the newest ornament in a series and the parties are always a good time.  I love most Christmas music too.  Yes, I know this post is very reminiscent of Scrooge's bah humbug spirit but that's not how I feel at all.

Dave put up our Christmas tree today while I was at work and it is beautiful and I love it.  It's completely bare and it's perfect.  I intend to place some of the ornament's I've received over the years but I just enjoy having it in my apartment.  Baking and decorating the cookies on Saturday was a blast and photographing my parents wonderfully decorated living room made me really happy.  I will sing Christmas songs and buy my presents on Wednesday and enjoy myself at all the work and social parties.  Christmas is a special holiday and it always will be but it will also be a constant reminder of everything I've lost spiritually.  Until I can find some peace with that spiritual loss it will always remain bittersweet.

Blegh

I am 100% completely and totally exhausted.  Last night, I didn't drink myself to the extent that I suffered today; however, I did stay up way too late, have quite an uncomfortable sleep, and have been sneezing nonstop since brunch.  I hate how that wipes me out.  We stayed overnight at Jamie's and went immediately to my parents' house today.  Since our honeymoon we haven't had the chance to really visit my parents at all so it was good to see them again.  I just wish I wasn't sneezing every 5 seconds.  Seriously, I have a problem.  I don't know what that problem is but I hate my nose and I hate that this appears to be an inevitable occurrence that I can expect at least once a month.  

This always happens before a long week at work too.  I had the majority of my nights off this week; couldn't I have dealt with this then?  It's frustrating and I hate the fact that I want to jump into bed and pass out at 9pm especially when I woke up at 11am.  I hate that my nights are few and far between.  I'm tired of being tired and I'm tired of feeling like I need 9 or 10 hours of sleep a night to cope with life.  What happened to me?  Where did I go?  I want my old self back.   I want the person who could stay up all night, go to school, come home, work on homework all evening, and do it over and over again averaging approximately 4 hours of sleep a night.  I miss that.  Five and six hours is a hell of a lot of time to lose sleeping in bed.

I had a wonderful weekend but I'm really annoyed that it over so soon.  I'm really frustrated that I'm toast so early that even checking my e-mail feels like one task too many to complete now that I am home. Really, I need to get beyond whatever is causing this new, tired, old me.

Drunken cookie party

Hope it gives you hell. Yeah that's what we are listening to right now and I'm writing this on Dave's iPad. There's a very good chance that this is going to autocorrect my ass and I probably won't notice because I'm not exactly sober. Today we played coldplay's every tear is a waterfall and I spent good portion of the song spinning really fast in the center of kitchen. Two things happened: something about spinning that made me feel like I was part fairy tale (Jamie did it too and thought the same thingbut that could just be because she loves me) and i did not fall down or get sick. I attribute my not being sick to the many years of figure skating.

We drunkenly decorated cookies. They are kind of hideous but they will taste cookies. She loves you yeah yeah yeah. With a love like that, you know you should be glad. I agree with the Beatles but at the same time I don't. It really is important that you feel the same way. She could be crazy and act like a stalker and that's not something you should be glad about. However, I totally get that you can't always be looking for something more because maybe your standards are too f**king high dammit. Yeah I totally get a potty mouth when I get drunk. Also Dave hates all the music I like and that really makes me quite unhappy.

Date night

Dave and I went on a date!  I got all dressed up in one of the outfits I bought last night, painted my face with makeup, and styled my hair.  Honestly, I don't know why I dress like such a bum on every other day of the week.  It really doesn't take that much longer to get dressed more stylishly in the morning.  I mean, do I really need to wake up, roll out of bed, throw whatever I have lying around, and rush off to work without makeup and my hair in a ponytail or bun.  It's true when they say that when you look good you feel good.  Dressing up today not only made me want to go out but also feel great about myself and our relationship.

I've been wanting to see the Christmas tree at Quincy Market and so of course we went into Boston.  We decided tonight would be best because it wasn't too cold yet.  Of course, we saw girls in these skimpy outfits and I wondered at how they do it.  We walked around and went to dinner at McCormick & Schmick's Seafood and it was delicious.  Normally, Dave's not one for seafood so I was reluctant to visit that place at first but he agreed to it.  I ordered an incredible lobster cobb salad.  I was expecting a traditional salad but it wasn't at all.  Instead I got a cylindrical tower of salad!

After walking around a bit more before heading home.  I was getting tired and it was beginning to sprinkle rain.  All in all it was a very nice evening!

Shopping

Jamie and I went shopping today and I actually bought myself stuff.  She was so proud of me.  I've now got some cute dresses for Christmas parties and date nights.  You know, I'm quite proud of myself.  Not for buying the clothing (though I'm happy that I did) but for not becoming all worked up over my weight and whatnot.  I've stated a couple days ago that I've gone and gained a lot of the weight I lost before the wedding back and for the first time, I'm okay with it.  While shopping, I found myself pulling "larges" without hardly a second thought.  I've never pulled a large off the rack before and on any other day I would have been quietly berating myself.

I'm not sure where this acceptance has come from.  Perhaps it's because I've already lost the weight, gained it back, lost it again, gained it again.  Sure, I could begin exercising like a fiend and lose the weight again.  I could monitor every piece of food I eat and possibly lose the weight as well.  However, I've done both of those before.  Yes, diet and exercise work but only when you do it regularly.  It needs to be a lifestyle change.  It can't be something that you do for a couple of months and then revert back. Yes, I'm am not eating and exercising the way I should be but I need to make a change in lifestyle.  I need to change my daily habits.

My daily routine consists of sitting at a desk for eight hours a day, then driving to a second job, sitting at that job for six hours, sitting to write my post, and going to bed three days a week.  Three other days of the week, I sit a work for eight hours, come home and sit and watch television.  Saturday, my day off, rarely has much exercise.  My meals tend to consist of fast food and snacking on cookies, candy, whatever I can get my hands on.  Right now, I need to figure out something that is going to work within that schedule.  Until then, I must accept that my weight is my reality right now and be okay with that.  Would I like to lose the weight?  Of course. More than that though, I want to develop a healthy lifestyle.

Maybe I'll figure that out sometime soon but probably not.  However, I have bigger fish to fry right now so it's best that I try and find clothing that fits me now.

Regression

I'm feeling better tonight than last night.  I took today off of work; I was just emotionally exhausted.  When I woke up this morning, I couldn't get out of bed despite more than enough hours of sleep last night.  So yeah, I needed today to decompress.  I actually went and got another massage to ease some of the tension and I took a bath.  I'm incredibly grateful for my family and friends.  They each reached out to me between yesterday and today.  I am very lucky to have all of them in my life.

I'm at a loss for words right now.  Though I'm not struggling, to say that I'm feeling fine and happy would be an overstatement.  I am very happy with my present life and I'm extremely grateful for the "now" but the recent discovery, the blatant reminder of the pain from the past, it's left quite a bitter aftertaste.  Sadly, I'm pretty sure my therapist is on vacation this week as I never did hear back from her.  I did go to the office for my medication appointment and chose not to reduce my dosage just yet.   I just wish I could talk to my wise woman.  I have questions that I really want to ask her and things I really want to discuss.

This is a setback that I wasn't prepared for.  I was moving forward and getting on with my life and now I feel as if I've regressed in so many ways.  These feelings are temporary; I know that.  However, that is of little comfort after all the hard work I've done thus far.  I feel like I was about finished with a book and lost the last five chapters.  I know the ending but there's all that rewriting that needs to be done.  I've never been good at starting from scratch after losing something I already worked so hard on so this is a new challenge.  One of the many challenges that tend to arise in life so I suppose it's good to get some decent practice.

End of the year test perhaps?

Something happened today that challenged everything I've learned over the past two years.  I still don't know how I did with it but it was the first time I ever had to call my therapist after hours for the first time since I started seeing her.  It was my own fault.  I should have known better but I'm so lucky to have such tremendous support systems in place so that they cushioned the fall when recklessly jumped out of the building.

So while credentialing nurses to make sure we weren't sending criminals into homes of the elderly, I have to run a plethora of background checks.  Honestly I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to type his name in the National Sex Offender registry.  Deep down, I knew I would find him there.  He didn't come up right away, I had to click on his name.   When his picture didn't pop up at first, I sighed a breath of relief.  Then I went that one step further and there was his picture.

Something about just seeing his face again caused the images of many of the experiences I had with him to come rushing back.  Amazing how I actually felt myself freeze up and detached the moment I laid eyes on him again.  I looked for no more than three seconds before letting my eyes drift to the bottom of the screen.  Toward the end of my relationship with him, he told me that he did something inappropriate with an eight year old.  He said he just showed himself to her.  Despite his lies, I believed him.  I thought that he wouldn't lie about something like that.  I thought that it was the one and only time he was being honest with me.

Really, I'm just so stupid.  So, so, so stupid.  I expected the first two convictions: Unnatural and Lascivious Acts with a child under 16 & Open and Gross Lewdness and Lascivious Behavior.  How sad is that I wasn't surprised by that alone?  I mean really?  However, the last one even I couldn't get my head around: Rape and Abuse of a Child.  What?  That's just a couple of steps further than exposing yourself.  Almost instantly, I closed the window and sat in silence at my desk for a solid five minutes without thinking, without feeling anything.

I had three hours left of work and I tried to refocus but found myself searching the same page forever for information that was right in front of me.  I felt like I couldn't breathe; it was like someone just came to me, punched me in the stomach, and just left.  On my way to get some water, my boss called me into her office and I just sat down asking, "can I talk to you about something personal?"  Without going into too much detail of my past, I told her what happened and just figured I'd face the consequences.

I thought she would think I was unstable and possibly even fire me for putting his name in the search after I searched for the nurse.  Okay, my boss isn't that cold-hearted but I felt like that was what I deserved.  Instead, she was more than understanding.  Though she's never been in the same position she really understood that feeling of panic and shock.  She allowed me to go for a walk and it calmed me down and when I got back I was able to pull it together and complete my work.

Coming home was a totally different story.  I got home and I completely broke down.  How could he?  What is wrong with his parents? They knew he was convicted and they blatantly turned a blind eye to my being alone in a room with him!  Weren't they concerned that I actually might speak up?  Were they really that apathetic toward their own son?  At first I was so angry and then I just felt sick when I remembered that he has a little girl himself.

I pray that his little girl's friends have parents who run the background checks on him.  How terrible is that I will feel like I will have to run a background check on anyone I allow my child to be alone with?  It makes me never want to have children.  What if I have a child who is like him?  Part of me thinks that his parents just didn't want to deal with him and that's why they just allowed him to do whatever he wanted and whoever.

Jamie came over to give me a hug before going to hair appointment and I just started crying again when I saw her.  I know it seems weird because it wasn't like he treated her like this but I feel like we were in the trenches together.  She can remember things from back then that I don't.  She remembers things I said or how I acted around him.  More important, she remembers how he acted.  She knew him, talked to him, believed him too despite all logic.  She didn't want to believe that he was lying like that to me.

While she was over, my boss also texted me to see how I was doing.  Like I said in the beginning, I have such incredible people in my life.  I hate that I still find myself so focused on that one horrible person.  I feel like he's winning.  He doesn't deserve all the therapy sessions and long blog posts.  He's not a part of my life anymore and yet,he still has this impeccable way of intruding on it.  I left a message for my therapist so I'll be interested to hear what she has to say.

Work Days

Last night I went to bed at 10 and was asleep by 10:30.  This morning I woke up at 8am.  It was wonderful to feel so rested.  I feel somewhat distressed that I needed almost 10 hours of sleep to feel that way but I'm hoping it was just my being overtired.  What's even more awesome is that at 11pm, I'm feeling tired again.  One of the things I remember most about high school was being exhausted when I woke up at the crack of dawn determined to go to bed early that night only to find myself wide awake at 10pm when I knew I should be heading to bed.  So it's nice to wake up this morning feeling well rested and feel tired at night.  I feel like I'm a normal human being.

It also helped that I got home from work at 9:30pm.  Honestly, working 5pm-9pm after working during the day isn't that bad at all.  If I do end up working full time, maybe I'll opt to do that four nights a week rather than work until 11pm 3 nights a week.   Ideally, I would like to continue working 25 hours a week at this job.  I like being able to accrue time and take paid time off.  It's also good money for a second job.  My boss at the day job mentioned my staying on again or trying to convince the president of the company to keep me on.

Here's the thing though; she mentioned my quitting the second job.  Honestly, I'm not sure I want to quit the second job.  Not for the current day job anyway.  Sure, I enjoy the job but keeping the job is entirely contingent on us getting more clients. There's no guarantee that it will last more than six months and that's not something I want to give up my other job for.  In addition, I can't imagine that their benefits will be anything like what I already have.  So the only way I can keep the day job is to give up the night job, I'm not sure if I'll be able to take it.  Yes, I'm thinking ahead of myself but it is something that I can't help but think about every time she mentions my staying.  I just hope she doesn't fight to keep me only to have me turn it down.

Oh well, not going to think about that any more now.  I can't do anything about it at this point and I just need to wait and see what will happen.

Avoidance/Numbing out vs. Living

I started reading the book my boss let me borrow.  So far it's been a very pleasant reminder to the lessons I've learned over the past two years.  The lessens I've learned but continue to forget.  Life isn't about how you feel once you achieve your goals or integrate your trauma or find the right job.  Living isn't found in the big, once in a lifetime moments.  It's truly found in you daily life.  In the minutia of the details.  The author quotes Anne Dilliard: "How you spend your day is how you spend your life."

So many of us, including myself, spend our lives distracting ourselves from our pain rather than feeling it.  We self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, food, television, sex, the internet.  Many of us self medicate with work.   When people hear the words, "self-medicate"  they think of alcoholics and addictions but that isn't always the case.  What you use doesn't have to be to the point where one my classify it as an addiction.  It just has to serve a purpose to allow you to numb out.  For me, that's watching television.  I've done it since I was a little kid.  My sick days were spent lying on the couch in front of the t.v. for hours on end falling into and waking out of sleep.

While I was in high school and college, I had plenty of other distractions that kept me busy.  However, when things got bad like when I failed my initial student teaching, I turned to what I always turned to in times of pain.  The television came on and the flickering lights from the screen would entrance me, the world around me would evaporate, and it would be about other people's problems.  During that time, it watched medical shows, listen to people's stories from inside the Emergency Room.  Recently, to cope with the pain of the trauma, I turned on the television and vanished into stories far worse than mine.  Stories of people being tortured, murdered, vanishing from the world without a trace.

Their tears, the pain of their families, it was an intoxicating cocktail that rarely failed to do it's job.  Recently, I've watched less but only because I've worked more hours.  I'm just replacing it with another distraction.  The weight I lost before the wedding I've gained back so clearly food is also a wonderful contributor.  Sure the pain has lessened and I've faced more than I would have ever admitted existed five years ago but there is still a lot more to face.  It's about being in the moment.  Right now, between the television, the books, the work, and these 27 goals I've placed before myself I find that I am losing sight of what is happening right now.

Meditation is a goal.  Meditation is about being in the present.  In the silence, alone with ones thoughts.  It's about acknowledging what arises during that time and saying hello to it.   It's about greeting the pain, the unpleasant memories, the anxieties, the doubt, the anger with open arms.  I believe that the author makes a valid point when she says that we spend too much time fighting ourselves, creating problems for ourselves to cover the ones we don't want to deal with.  This is not a book written for victims of trauma or abuse.  It's written for regular people who turn toward something they once found comforting to hide.  

It's not easy to face our experiences. I know that first hand but I also know that constantly avoiding those feelings leads to an inevitable lessening of the living that one does each day.  You can't just avoid the pain without also avoiding the pleasant feelings as well.  Everything becomes diminished.  Many times, if one does feel that pleasant feeling for a moment, guilt or fear immediately follows.  We've, at least I've, allowed myself to become so conditioned by the pain that I feel like I don't deserve the pleasure.  That's not true.  I learned that a while ago but it's amazing how often one need to be reminded of such things.

Rest

I'm watching a PBS documentary on Unusual Buildings and Other Roadside Stuff.  This is part of the allure of traveling across the country for me.  I want to see all these quirky places.  I will more than likely be heading to New Bedford on a Sunday to visit the milk bottle ice cream house; probably during the summer.  What a wonderful thing to do once you have kids.  Kids love this kind of stuff.  Haha Just after I wrote that the show focused on a family who uses these destinations for family vacations.  Way to be on my train of thought documentary.  I'm so doing to visit these places.   I love traveling so much.

Anyway, today was a rough day for me.  I'm not pregnant so that's a good thing but I've been miserable all day.  Every symptom you could think of that goes with the monthly signal that you are not with child, I experienced today.  Mainly exhaustion though.  I've slept almost all day.  Sometimes I go to sleep during my massage but not today.  She beat the crap of me.  There were times that I was quite literally cringing but it's a deep tissue massage; this kind of massage is not meant for immediate relaxation but long term.  Deep tissue massages are meant to untie the knots and my gosh, I had knots galore.  It hurts to try and loosen and untie them in just under an hour.

Now, I'm still feeling the after effects.  If you touch my shoulders, they feel bruised but the lingering pain that has become part of my daily life has lessened.  In the next few days, I will feel so much better so the temporary pain was worth it.  However, aside from my massage I've spent the majority of the day in bed.  The idea of doing anything aside from sleeping just felt like it would be too much.  I'm feeling a bit better now.  I feel like I can open a book and flip through the pages without passing out.  Thank goodness, today is Saturday.  The only day I can really do something like this.

Crap! I totally forgot to write tonight.  I was just about to call it a night and drag myself into bed to pass out.  Seriously, I am wiped out!  So happy that I get tomorrow off and I am getting a massage at noon.  I need one so badly.  I've had this crook in my neck for the past two days.  Spending a month sitting in an office chair slouched over a computer 14 hours a day has really done a number on me.  Every time I wonder how I got myself into this position.  At the end of every session I am told to complete certain exercises to save myself from my hunch but somehow I never seem to do it until it's too late.

Doesn't it matter now.  I'm getting a massage and I'm going to enjoy every moment of that luxury.  Of course, I'm exhausted and I'm afraid that I'm going to just want to sleep through it.  It is at noon and I do think I've gotten used to waking up at a reasonable hour.   I think it's just the sleepiness talking or writing at the moment.  I am hardly able to get through a single episode of Project Accessory without taking great pains.  How did I completely forget to write?  Is this good enough?

Yeah it's good enough.

Insecurity

Something happened today that just broke my heart.  It was a busy day filled with lots of crazy moments but it was in this little tiny moment that made the biggest impact and made it worth writing about.  A couple of weeks ago, my boss told me about a book she was reading.  The book sounded super interesting so I asked her if I could write down the name and author but she offered to loan it to me.  I asked her about it on Monday this week and she said that she really hadn't gotten a chance to get to it.  She has another book to read for her book club that she hadn't started yet so she volunteered to let me read it first and told me she'd bring it in.

For the passed week though she has forgotten to bring it in.  At first I just thought it was because our days were just so crazy.  She has so much on her shoulders and is so incredibly stressed out during the day.  She spent a good portion of today freaking out and yelled at me at one point but I understand.  It's like we're on the brink of opening a new business.  We're trying to keep the business we currently have and she is under constant pressure to gain new business ventures.  It's not easy and I don't envy her position.  Anyway, I sent her a text message last night as a reminder and she made a comment about how she didn't want anyone to see.  I told her I'd hide it in one of the folders until I could take it to my car.

This morning when I got in, I realized just how much the topic of this book means.  When she gave it to me, it was wrapped in not one but two plastic bags so that the title was impossible to see even if I took off the first bag and unwrapped the second one once.   She handed it to me and asked me to immediately go put it in my car which I did without hesitation.   On the elevator down, my heart broke for her.  She is such a beautiful woman and it pains me to know how insecure she is about this part of her life.  I just want to shake her and tell her that she needn't worry so much: she deserves everything she desires just like everyone else.

My plan is to bring the book back as a "Christmas" gift, all wrapped up so as to not draw any further attention to it.  I plan to read it as quickly as possible and I really hope that when she does eventually read it it gives her a far better feeling about herself.