More nothingness

Okay, I'm super duper tired and want to write about as much as I want to run a marathon.  So yeah, I'm not sure what this post will consist of.  I really enjoyed writing during the day versus when I come home at night.  I feel like I can collect my thoughts a bit better and the pressure is off at night when I just want to unwind and zone out.  That's all well and good when have a long day in which to write but on days like today where I slept late (I went to bed super late last night) then ended up running out for a busy day, I didn't really have time to write.  Though the day was busy, it was a good busy.

Dave and I officially created a joint checking account.  Right now that means very little as we will still need to get our checks automatically deposited into it and the bills coming out of it but all in good time.  It's a nice first start.  Budget wise things are still looking okay; we seem to be on track.  We'll see what the rehearsal dinner ends up costing us.  I've been doing a lot with budget workings; I'm probably one of the only ones who get into trying to figure out how to work with less and feel more calm.  I don't know it's strange.

In a totally nonrelated note, I have my arms waxed today.  It was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was.  The pain was far less and the it's kind of cool finally seeing what was underneath all that hair.  They feel super smooth at the moment and I love that feeling.  Clothes feel so different on bare arms.  Now, I just have to wait and see what it's like growing back in.  Why can't this stuff just be permanent.   Last week I had my chin and neck lasered so I'm waiting to see those result.  The upside of the new lasers: far less pain which is awesome.  The downside, results can't be seen immediately.  You shave, they laser, and it looks like you've shaved for a while until it falls out and 20% regrowth supposedly occurs.  Right now, all I see is stumble and it bugs me.  Stumble on the neck and chin on a woman is about as far from attractive as a hyena and no, hyenas are not attractive.

I'd go on about the rest of the day but I'm so done writing.  Night.

Dark side of my mind

Today, I'm deciding to write before I go to work as by the time I come home, I'm tired and normally want to do anything but write.  So right now, I have exactly twenty minutes to flush this post out before needing to ready myself for work.   In addition to writing before work, I'm also changing topics on which to write.   Recently, all I've written about is my wedding planning and personally, I'm bored myself writing about it so I can only imagine how bored anyone reading this has been recently.  

From weddings and new beginnings to a far darker and more morbid topic: lethal injection.   Yes, folks this is how my brain fluctuates from the happiness of wedding planning to the contemplation of the darker sides of  life.   It is said that it is considered a common to spend my than $10,000 on two parties in your lifetime.  One is for your wedding and the other is for your death.   One is a happy affair full of new beginnings and is normally one that is planned by you and the other is a far more somber affair that is normally planned by the loved ones you left behind as they try to begin a new life without you.  I have to admit that knowing this, it makes me want to plan my own funeral; make sure there is enough money set aside for the preparations, think about the music and the readings that I'd like to be read.   Yes, I know morbid yes.  

Truth is, I do have a very dark side to my thoughts. It's a duality which I think always existed within me; the quieter hidden side of me.   I'd spend the days happy, joyful, and full of optimism but at night or when I was left alone to do my own thing I'd sit or pace while pondering the darker sides of life.  I'd make myself physically ill when I read and thought about cruelty that existed in this world trying to come to terms that there are people in the universe who do get perverse pleasure in torturing others.  I couldn't understand it.      I didn't understand why torture needed to be showcased in films, documentaries, and stories.  These thoughts made me ill, terrified me, and fascinated me in equal measure.   My high school boyfriend, one of the few who discovered this about me, was always will to show me or introduce me to more horrific events or torture devices; at the time I thought it meant that he understood my fear and hated it as much as I did but looking back, I think he enjoyed making me cry or scaring me senseless.  

Even today, my mind goes there.  There are many reasons why I watch all the crime shows that I do which I have discuss here in the past.  Something about this desire to hurt others is so incredibly foreign to me and I feel like I'm on this quest to try and understand.  Maybe if I understand what causes people to do these things, maybe we can figure out how to prevent it or evolve past it.  What I'm learning is that it seems to be just a part of human nature; the juxtaposition to selflessness and desire to do good.  Would we understand pleasure and good works if pain and horrific events didn't occur?  I don't know.  

It scares me to think that I'm glad for what happened to me back in high school.   I told my mother that I'm glad I dated him and went through that because it has made me appreciate Dave all the more.  Is that true though?  Would I love Dave or appreciate what we have any less if I hadn't been abused?   It's a disturbing thought even if it is me just trying to terms with what happened or find peace.  My ex wasn't punished for what he did by law and the last time I spoke with him he said he went into a buddhist monastery where he learned a lot.  I don't know how much of that I believe since the majority of our relationship was founded on lies but I have to believe that it's true.  I have to believe that he found peace, that he has learned to understand and overcome whatever it was within him that caused him to want to hurt and or control me.  Above all, I do believe that people can change.  

My time is up and I never did get to the lethal injection part of what I wanted to write about.   It's always interesting how a post can take on a life of its own.  Mainly, I was going to say that I don't believe in lethal injection as a form of punishment.  I have the optimistic reasoning that I do firmly believe that people can and do change and I want all criminals to have that opportunity.   My second reasoning isn't so bunnies and kittens.  If there are monsters out there who commit horrific crimes with little to no remorse, lethal injection is an easy way out.  It works by first putting you to sleep and then stopping your heart.  It also seems too humane in some ways; though I would never advocate for any other method of being put to death.  If I had to choose, lethal injection sounds like a lovely way to go.  I don't know about anyone else but I fear how much my death is going to hurt when it eventually happens.  How much suffering will I have to endure?  These people on death row, they know exactly how they will die and they know it will be peaceful.  There is a comfort and a luxury that they have over the rest of us which bothers me because many times they have taken lives in exact way I fear my life may be taken.  

I don't know why all these thoughts came to the forefront of my mind today but there they are.  Obviously, I still have a lot of work to do despite my tremendous progress but I am willing to do this work.  I'm willing to think and learn and reflect until I find some sort of peace.  

It's a post

I feel tired and grumpy tonight but I don't have a specific cause or reason which just makes me irritated.  Feeling all meh and stuff isn't cool when nothings going on.  I'm just in a mood where I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to write this post and I don't want to go to work tomorrow.  Yeah I don't know where the not wanting to go to work tomorrow night is coming from; hopefully, it will go away by tomorrow afternoon.

As an update to last night's post, Katie loved the reading that I sent and doesn't mind reading it at all which makes me so incredibly happy and grateful.  I haven't heard from my sister yet but I will see her Wednesday evening so maybe we can discuss it then.  Also, I think my dad and I chose our father/daughter song which is another thing we can check off the list.  I know I still have a lot that needs to get done but it was kind of nice waking up and not feeling like things were pressing down on me.  I'll have to double check my to do list and figure out what still needs resolution like the bridesmaids gifts.  That's a big one that I need to get working on.

Aside from that, there's not really too much to say that hasn't already been said.  So I think I'm going to let this be it for now and try and relax.  I'm sure my mood will improve eventually.

Readings

Hurricane?  What hurricane?  I really enjoy when things are blown out of proportion and then sort of turn out to be comparatively mild.  Personally, I prefer to be more cautious when it comes to things like weather.  It's always so much worse when the event is downplayed and then more people are injured or stranded somewhere.  Today, both driving into and home from work were very easy.  If I hadn't heard that this storm was supposed to be a hurricane, I would never have thought it was more than a bad summer storm.  

Today was another productive day.  We finally chose the readings!  Yes, finally!  A couple of nights earlier Alli sent us the poem that she wrote specifically for our wedding.  Reading it brought tears to both of our eyes and as I told her in my e-mail response, I think that it rivals many of the top readings we had selected and downright blew the others away.   It's funny because sometimes I question my objectivity when it comes to her writing.  Of course I cannot claim full objectively; my love for her will inevitably bias my opinion. However, upon reading this particular poem (especially after reading it after so many others) it was clear that it wasn't just my bias but true, beautiful writing.

Using her poem, we tried to choose some different types of readings.  Her was written in the first person.  We also chose a slightly controversial theory written by Plato that we're hoping Katie would be willing to read.  If she isn't, then we do have a backup but it ever since I first heard the story, I fell in love with it. It resonated within me in such a way that reading it during this process just added to its meaning.  I'm kind of ashamed that I was ignorant of Plato's writing it.  I first heard it in song format from a musical.   Part of what I love about it is also what makes it controversial.   In this excerpt from his symposium, homosexuality is just as natural as heterosexuality which the main point being that it's about Love.  Love between a couple of the same sex is still just as profound, beautiful, and romantic (I also believe natural) as the love experienced between a man and a woman.  I really like that this reading highlights that.

With Alli's first person poem, Plato's philosophical story about the meaning behind love, we decided that we wanted one that was about marriage or something worth keeping in mind in the future as a couple.   The final reading actually is not official yet.  We like one poem and one reading equally and thought that the reader would be the best person to choose between the two.  So I am sending her the potential readings and look forward to her choice.  We would be thrilled with either and both work for our wedding.   The first choice is a poem about creating a "walled garden" where the two of us can go to shed any other role aside from our roles as husband and wife.   The other is reading about what marriage as a whole and what it means offering some very nice pointers to remember and carry with us in the future.

I like that all of the readings are kind of different.  At first, I wanted them to all sort of relate but really, what's the point of people reading the same things with different wording.  Really in the end I wanted our favorites to be read despite their differences.  I'm very happy with our choices and I hope that our readers feel just as good about them as we do.

weddings and well, more wedding

Jon and Allie's wedding was gorgeous.  We actually got to see Jon as soon as we walked in and he was so excited and gave us a giant hug.  He was really cute waiting in the wings for the ceremony to begin.  For their ceremony music, they had a string quartet and I must admit that there is certain quality to live string instruments that give a very elegant and romantic vibe.  I mean, I love the song we chose for our ceremony but the quartet gives it a really lovely touch.  Dave and I had a really good time and seeing Jon and Allie's happiness just made us all the more excited for our own wedding.

Speaking of our own wedding, we did make some more progress by meeting with two of our key vendors.  We were able to really get some things straightened out and made some big decisions.  Dave was so stressed out and nervous about everything that I found myself trying to calm him down which I thought was a strange role reversal.  We determined that he's always been someone who gets so stressed out but  because I've always taken it so much further than stressed out that it makes him seem calm.  Now, whether it is due to my medication or the fact that I've dealt with a lot of the underlying issues that initially caused the constant freak outs, I've really calmed down a bit.  So much so that it's now highlighting Dave's anxiety.

After we met with everyone though and he remember that we chose some great vendors and he definitely relaxed to his normal self after.  I'm really happy with how the day went overall; now I just have to make it into and home from work tomorrow during the tropical storm.  One thing at a time.

Busy Day tomorrow

I almost forgot to write again!  Really, I was lying in bed reading waiting for Dave to join me and just as he was about to get into bed, I shot up like a rocket with the realization that I had not yet written.  Silly me.  Ha, I'm reading Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen at the moment and I can sense my writing change to her tone which is quite humorous in this book.  I have officially all four or five of the books full of wedding readings.  Yes, I read them each cover to cover and marked the readings I thought would be suitable.  Now, I just need to sit down with Dave and actually finalize the list so I can give them to my bridemaids.  We actually did already read through the ones I marked and eliminated some that he just hated which is a start but it's not quite having made an actual decision.

My plan was to do it tonight with him before falling asleep but he ended up taking a bit longer to make it into bed and now I'm exhausted so I doubt it will actually end up happening tonight.  It needs to happen though very soon as Alli asked me for them last Thursday and Katie reminded me today that she would need time to practice if I did want her to read one of them.  Both are 100% right in their requests and I must admit, I'm further behind in that respect than I'd like.  A large part of me really just wants to put it behind me at this point.  Really, five books of love poems and readings makes one quite bored with it.  So, that is my next goal.

Tomorrow, we have plans to meet with our wedding day coordinator at our venue and discuss the wedding and then our DJ.  I'm hoping that we are thoroughly prepared.  A large part of me is afraid that they are going to want to know the answers to questions that have yet to be decided.  Of course, most of what we're thinking has been discussed and decided upon but I'm still convinced that there is some aspect of this process that I'm not accounting for and am anxiously waiting for it to spring up unexpectedly .  This would be easier if I'd already done it but alas, the goal for most of us is to have only one wedding in our lifetimes, that's why they are such a big deal when they happen.  Honestly, god forbid Dave and I don't work out and I did want to marry again, I certainly wouldn't go through all this.  This whole process is a bit ridiculous for a first wedding, nevermind a second.

Anyway, tomorrow we will meet with our venue and our dj and hopefully decide on the readings.  Then  we are actually going to be going to my former co-workers wedding tomorrow night which I have to admit I'm really looking forward too.  I have no idea if any of my other former co-workers will be there but I hope so.  If not though, I'm super excited to see Jon again and am so happy that he invited us.  So there best not be no hurricane to mess with my plans.  I hope.

Content

We made more progress today which is a positive!  Still, I'm a bit concerned that it may not be enough progress for this late in the game.  Everyone always talks about how there will be those things that you will spend more time than necessary on and that's something we totally did.  We had a good time doing it and we came to some critical (slightly awesome decisions) for the wedding music.  It's not an easy task creating the soundtrack to your wedding but we made huge strides.  I'm happy with the decisions anyway and Dave is too and that's what is important.

We also got some massive cleaning done too.  Our apartment feels so much better now that it's been picked up.  It's terrible.  I feel so much better when things are picked up and put away but yet it seems so hard to maintain for me.  To give myself credit, I have done a pretty decent job with keeping the bedroom, kitchen, and bathroom clean.  I even kept up on the laundry which is always the last thing to get done.  To be honest, I've done a couple of things recently that I'm really proud of.  It feels kind of weird to be so happy with myself.  Maybe it's just that I'm seeing how much I've grown up recently.  From simple interactions with friends to what happened yesterday, I handled them all in a far healthier way.  Healthier for myself and for everyone around me.

I've also felt productive for the first time in a really long time.  After graduating from college, I really haven't done anything creative or really anything at all.  Sure I've got a job but it's not one where I leave at the end of the day feeling like accomplished anything or am working toward anything.  Not that I need that in my work but I think it is really good for me to have something outside of work to direct my energies.  Planning the wedding reminds me of planning lessons for a classroom only without the added stress of feeling like you have to actually teach something making it so much more fun!  I like the mini projects and thinking up ideas to help fill in the big picture.  I like this long term writing assignment I've given myself.

Now, all I have to do is let myself feel this happy and try not to worry that it could all disappear in a moment.  I just need to enjoy it for what it is right now.  

Writing through it

I will not disassociate.  I will not disassociate.  It's okay to have these kinds of feelings.  Just sit in silence and let it be.  If you need to cry then cry.   Do not turn on the television or the radio and detach from the world.  Silence is okay.  These feelings; they are okay too.  See that, they are already passing.  The lump is still in your throat and you feel vulnerable and anxious but it's better than feeling nothing.  The air around your arms feels electric and you feel your skin breathing.  It's okay.  You are alright and you are safe.  I am safe.  Breathe.  I am safe.  This is progress even if it doesn't feel like it just yet.  It's okay for life to be this good.  I can have this.   I am safe and I can have this happiness.

How come I'm nervous to talk with him right now?  I just shared my soul but my voice remains hidden.  He wants to be there for me.  He wants to hear how I'm feeling; he wants to help but I won't let him because I can't get out the words.  Instead of closeness, I needed my space.  Though we share the room, I am in my own world.  Everything is so complicated and I know it doesn't have to be; there's no need to protect myself anymore but old habits die hard.  This is real.  He is real.  His love for me is real too.  So is mine, even if I'm detaching myself from it right now.   What was it about those moments that scared me so?  She told me that the body remembers; but why can't my mind?

Like a strong wind; there was a shift from great love and devotion to fear and detachment but what was the cause?  What am I trying to tell myself?  How do I console a fear when I can't find it?  My arms are still tingling but the lump in my throat is gone.  Progress.  This is progress, too.  Small, baby steps.  Dealing with the moments as they happen.  Now they don't happen so frequently; I can't tell if that makes this easier or more difficult.  Maybe the level of difficulty doesn't matter at all.  It's what I'm feeling right now and these are the emotions that I need to work through.  Focus on right now.  Stay here.  I'm doing really well.  It's okay to say that.  I'm allowing it to flow through me and out of me.

I've never felt "normal" again just after a panic attack.  I don't feel normal now but I feel like I can face the world again.  I feel like I can turn around and go to him.  I'm not even afraid that it may make me cry.  These tears will not be tears of fear anymore but rather tears of guilt.  He's done nothing to deserve this; why must he pay for the mistakes from another man?  It's far more serious to me, I know.  I know he doesn't feel like my emotions are a burden.  He just wants to help.   He's afraid too.  He's afraid he's done something wrong; that's he's hurt me in some way.  He has no reason to fear.   All he's done is love me too much.  I'm not used to it.  I don't know how to handle it.

Something to look forward to...

This will be another short post.  I just took a bath and I'm feeling relaxed and tired and I want to try and get to bed as soon as possible.   When I first decided a bath was a good idea for tonight I was hoping that it would inspire me to write something but it totally didn't.  It just made me more sleepy and disinclined to write.  But I didn't get to 235 posts to stop now, so here I am typing more nonsense on this keyboard.

I spent some time today looking at our budget again and it only furthered my new found desire to make this place work.  It's funny, there's a small part of me that goes, "well we don't actually have to follow through with all this wedding planning stuff.  It would save us a lot more if we didn't."  But then I quickly come back to my senses.  I do hope that we will actually get away will spending less than we're anticipating.  Ideally, I'd like to keep the cushion that we have for emergencies and build off that rather than start over at zero.

This kind of thinking leads me into more practical thoughts like, I really do wan to learn how to cook.  How nice would it be to make a couple of decent dinners and have leftovers for lunches.  A part of me wonders if that would save us some money within our food budget.  Probably not, but it would get us healthier which does usually save money in the long term.  It's kind of exciting as I'm already thinking about the projects I want to work on once the wedding and honeymoon are over and life slows back down.   I have other things I want to accomplish and I'm looking forward to implementing them.   It's really nice having so much to look forward to; I'm always a much happier camper that way.

Continuing to take baby steps

Oh my I'm utterly exhausted tonight and I'm not sure why.  I got plenty of sleep but my mind feels totally off.  Even during my last hour of work, I felt all discombobulated but I wasn't fired for being sick on Friday so that was a plus.  I guess it actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be on Friday and they had enough coverage.  Thank goodness because I felt so bad.   It's strange, it's like I'm enjoying my job more and more.  It's just not  bugging me as much as it used to; I just wish the hours were better.  I could work during the day but I also know that the day shift is so, so much worse than the night shift.

In other news, Dave and I didn't get much done in the way of cleaning today but we were pretty productive wedding stuff.  We mailed our "thank you" cards for the wedding shower, e-mailed our photographer, and I was able to lock down a date for my bachelorette party.  I'm so excited about the bachelorette party, I can't even begin to say.   It turns out the that the day that worked for everyone else was the best day for me too which made me super pumped and I feel like we are all on the same page when it comes to having the low key feel.   It will be fun, cheap, and perfect and I'm so excited.  It's also the same day as Dave's bachelor party which is kind of nice because I won't be sitting at home worrying about the debauchery he might be getting himself into (not that he's that kind of type).

Things seem to be coming together and I feel like with everyday I'm getting more and more excited for our wedding and our life that we are planning together.  People say that this can be a super stressful time but as of right now, I must disagree.  Sure, there are moments but I'm having a great time planning and working with Dave and my friends.  I'm loving it.  I can't wait for my wedding but it's because I'm super excited for it not because "I just want it to be over with" and that's a really good feeling.  There is still sooo much to do so maybe this feeling will change but I really hope not!

Yeah, an entire post about cleaning

Another very busy day for yours truly.  Something tells me that this is going to become more the usual with our wedding day inching closer and closer.  In actuality, I'm liking being busy again.  For a while I didn't have a lot going on which wasn't a bad thing at all but I like making progress on things again.  When I got home from work today, we got to work on the cleaning kitchen.  Let me tell you, I busted my butt on the kitchen today, scrubbing the oven and the counters like I was getting paid for it.  I was actually wishing I had a toothbrush that I could use to scrub the tiny crevices that I couldn't get to; what's up with that? 

About halfway through our cleaning I got a little frustrated.  Despite all the work, I looked around at Dave trying to go through one of his boxes of computer things and there was just stuff everywhere.  It felt crazy   as it felt like we were making little progress.  It reminded me of when one tries to lose weight and they spend all week doing everything right only to find out that they weighed the exact same and all their work seems like it was for naught.  I had one of those moments but then I remembered that sometimes it takes two weeks to see the results.  I'm hoping that it's something like that for us today.   We did a lot of little things.  

A while back, we went through a lot of our things and tried to get rid of the stuff that we no longer needed or were never going to use.  To do this, we put the things that we wanted but were unsure what to do with into boxes.  Today we went through a few of those boxes and tried to reorganize and give the things that we want to use a place to live when we're not using them.  It didn't seem like we did a ton but we got through and got rid of many of the boxes that we just taking up space that we would've need to go through at some point.  The more I think about it I'm really glad that we did it this way.  When everything is clean and things are put away in boxes, it's easy to say that you're all done and you don't want to go through it all.  

So tomorrow I'm hoping that we can continue with our momentum tomorrow with everything.  It will be harder because we won't have each other to help with the motivation.   Alright I'm done writing this post about cleaning.   Sorry those of you who read this. 

Productivity is a good thing

So today was a very productive day.  Dave and I rose at a reasonable hour and went to breakfast before meeting my mother and my sister to go to Michaels and A.C. Moore for centerpiece items and other stuff for the wedding.  Oh my, you know how I was concerned about how I could possibly get everyone involved in stuff?  Well, that problem is officially solved.  Just about all of our ideas that we got are DIY and they aren't exactly the most simplistic so I will more than likely need to request the help of friends and family on these.  But we got the materials needed for them so now we just have to put it together.  I'm excited it for it.

On the home front, Dave and I tacked our hallway, hallway closet, and bathroom tonight when we got home.  We still have begun to touch the disaster that is our kitchen and living room but like I said yesterday, one room at a time.  Hopefully by tomorrow night, we'll get the kitchen taken care of and then all that will be left will be living room.   Granted that will be the hardest room by far (especially since we keep putting the stuff we can't make decisions on/know what to do with into that room) but I'm hoping that the momentum we've created thus far will propel us forward.  Plus, I need work to begin my work on the wedding stuff.   Still no clue about whether or not we'll stay here but that is a decision for another day.  

I'm going to go finish up now.  Is it bad that I would prefer to stay home from work to finish cleaning?  Who am I kidding?  I get home by 3:30, as if I'd get much done before then anyway.  Not with the hours I've been keeping lately.

Should we stay or should we go?

When I woke up this morning I felt like hell; my head was pounding and my stomach ached so I went back to bed.  Sadly that didn't seem to do anything to make me feel better so I called the few people I needed to speak with today and then tried to get some food in my stomach hoping that would help along with some over the counter painkillers.  That didn't help either so I thought about and thought about it some more and decided that I needed to call in.  They were actually pretty good about especially when I knew that my calling in would make them seriously understaffed (yes, I felt super guilty about that).  Hopefully I won't go into the office on Sunday or Monday with a "you're fired" e-mail.  After I called in, I upped the painkilling dosage and went back to bed for a third time and woke up to Dave coming home with dinner.

This time I began to feel a bit better and we ate and watched the movie Tangled.  Yes, I finally saw it and oh my goodness, I absolutely loved every bit of it.  Every bit of it except that fact that the villain looks just like me.  Now out of all the Disney characters I can no longer say I resemble any of the princesses and now will have to forever own up to the fact that I now look most like "mother" in Tangled.  That said, I now feel like Jamie and I need to be mother and Rapunzel for Halloween either this year or next year.  However, being the villain is quite sad for a girl who grew up loving Disney and still looks to them as a magical escape during times of sickness or depression.  Going to their world in Florida is definitely my favorite vacation destination at this point.  I love it there.  Something about being there and I'm no longer in the real world with real problems.  I'm now in the place where true love does exist and dreams do come true.  I love it.

By the end of the evening I was feeling a bit better and decided that tonight was the night that we were going to do things around the house.  So, we cleaned up our bedroom and rearranged all of our furniture.  Of course, my cleaning it meant that much of the junk we didn't quite know what to do with ended up in the living room, kitchen, and hallway but one room at a time.  The new set up is different and I feel weird sleeping in this direction now but I actually really like the way it turned out which is a good thing as we may end up staying here after all, if we can't find a place elsewhere which is looking less and less likely.  Seriously none of the places we're looking at seem to have any availability and I can't help but feel really nervous about the whole thing.  Not to mention that staying here will save us at least $200 as our rent hasn't increased the way everyone else's has.

So I'm beginning to think about maybe trying make this place something that I can stand again.  Continue with the home projects and see what happens.  Between the wedding and the everything else, it almost seems like too much.  We'll make them come in and fix our wall and secure our cabinets.  I'll get a mirror and place it on the opposing wall of our two tiny windows to help reflect the natural light of the day and maybe it won't be awful to stick it out for one more year.   As a real time update, I just casually mentioned this to Dave and he is not having it at all.  Funny how things change.  Six months ago, it was all me.   We'll just have to see what happens.  So long as we've each other, we can make anything work.  Plus, if our goal for next year is to pay down our debt, then this definitely is the best choice out of all the others.

I've got other things to do

More appointments were made today and for a moment I thought I had gotten most of the bigger stuff out of the way, then I realized I doubled booked myself on certain things and will now have to make a few phone calls tomorrow.  We both actually will have to make some calls but as far as the wedding goes, things are coming along rather smoothly though with my having only three nights a week to arrange things on, it's kind of tight.  Really, I have just got to keep going with it.

It's really late right now and I'd rather not be doing this.  Like always, when I find that I have other stuff to do or actually sit down and do many things, I tend to not want to write here.  For example, right now I want to send out an e-mail to my girls about the bachelorette party and I also need to send Alli and Jamie separate e-mails regarding questions they asked me that I haven't gotten back to them on.  I also want to continue working on one of the bridesmaids' gifts.  There's just a lot that I feel like I should be doing at the moment and it makes writing here not as desirable.  So yeah, I suppose that happens sometimes.  It also doesn't help that it's 2:15 in the morning and I should be going to bed.

With that said, I'm going to give myself the permission to continue working on my other projects and stop writing here.

Fun Nights

I finally saw the final Harry Potter movie!  Because I hate spoilers, I don't want to talk about it too much as I will inevitably spoil it for someone else if I do.  However, not talking about that leaves me with very little to say.  Tonight was a very good night as we spent the evening with Jamie and Ian having quite a good time at Jordan's Furniture.  As we determined, Jordan's is the Disneyworld of furniture shopping and that we should try to convince them that we would make quite good models to advertise their pieces.  I, personally, am not that into their furniture style as much of it tends to be large, massive pieces and as we all know, I like my furniture to be smaller in nature.  However, as a double date or even a single date idea, it is a very fun time.  It's fun all in one building.  You can do dinner at Fudruckers, have ice cream from Richardsons while watching people try their hand at trapeze flying or watching the water show, go "shopping" for furniture, and finish off your evening with a movie at arguably the best IMAX theater around.  This is exactly what we did.  Of course, it is very important to bring a camera as photo ops are bound to happen (photos to be posted at some point in the future).

Other thoughts of the day.  I'm pretty certain that we scheduled an appointment to meet with our wedding venue person for next Saturday which will be one more thing to check off.  The other thing we really need to get finished is purchase the bridal party gifts.  I have some ideas for each of my lovelies but haven't brought them into fruition so I need to get on that.  Dave needs to starting thinking about his boys too.   Also, I need to begin a conversation with my ladies about a bachelorette party.  We need to pick a date and actually plan something.  Dave already has his date for his bachelor party set for 9/10/11.  We don't have that many more weekends to get things planned.  I've got to figure out what I want.  Part of me wants to have a great fun time bash but another very large part of me just wants a girly sleepover complete with sleeping bags, movies, popcorn, cookies, and maybe some alcohol.  Katie threw out the idea of an at home spa day which also sounds super nice.  So maybe we can do something like that.  At first I thought I would all down for a male stripper or something crazy but now that the bachelorette party is getting closer, I really don't think that's quite my scene.  Really, I just want to hang out with my closest friends and have a fun night.  So I just need to see if we can get a solid date set up.

The projects

So Dave and I have already gone up and down the first drop of what I'm thinking is expecting to quite the roller coaster.  We went to visit a place that I initially thought was too expensive and Dave really wanted to see as it was located in Boston and it did look nice.  Needless to say, walking up to the place it was going to be a really tough sell.  The area around it was a bit sketchtastic too so that didn't help matters.  However, then we walked in and it was more than I could of hoped for.  We actually got to see the apartment that we would be moving into and I really, really liked it.

The amenities were the usual.  The apartment was a good size (quite a large size for Boston and the price), great closests, nice bathroom, laundry on the same floor, trash shoot, and a really nice complex in general.  Of course, add the fact that the train station is two blocks away, the grocery store another two blocks away, garage parking   for one of our cars, and the Boston waterfront literally right down the street.  The more expensive apartments actually quite a beautiful view of the harbor; we don't get that though.  We get a great view of a dilapidated building but it's got a lot of light.  By the end I was actually sold and I never expected it.  I actually left thinking, "okay, this place has certainly got it's flaws.  The surrounding community is bit lower income but that never bothered me."  

I've always kind of rolled my eyes when people immediately looked down on area because of it's income.  In fact, it really annoys me when someone says, "oh God, you lived there!  Or no way, you really don't want to live there; it's totally the ghetto."  I get that there is often more crime in an area that has lower income but not always. Sometimes I think that people who've always lived in middle class areas are very quick to discard any place lower than them.  Almost as if it makes them feel better about their place in the economic infrastructure.  Okay, I get that I'm the one being super judgmental right but it's always been such a pet peeve of mine. 

 It's something I've just heard throughout my life, "You live in Haverhill? Oh, I'm sorry."  Or "he's from Lawrence... really?"  Yes, my ex was from Lawrence but his being from Lawrence had absolutely nothing to do  with the fact that he was an asshole.  He would have done everything he did to me had he been from Lexington or Andover.  What's ironic about that whole situation was that I felt safer on the streets of Lawrence than I did when I was "safe" in the house with him.   

Anyway, so this apartment that I spent the majority of the day really psyched about; well it turns out that ten years ago, it was actually the projects.  My mother called me after I got home from work and told me.  Honestly because I did see the area, it didn't surprise me entirely.  Of course, in the past ten years, they've totally redone the place.  I might even say that I thought it was luxurious but now of course, there's that knowledge.  Do we want to move to the sketchy area that was once and still is the projects?  Do I want to hear the questions and the objections?  What if something does happen to me while I live there?  Then it will just be a giant "I told you so" and my entire opinion about everything I just said could change.  I like seeing the best in people and places.  Not to judge based on income or any other external factor.  I don't want that to change. 

So now I'm confused again and that's super frustrating.  

Apart-o-mon!

Apartment hunting.  The biggest downside of it being a buyers market and many people trying to free themselves from the burden of a mortgage is that is causes rent to sky rocket in price.  Dave called the place we are really interested but as of right now they have zero openings for the month of September and don't know about October or November yet.  I just don't trust that they'll have an opening by the time we're going to need it.

At the same time we got the renewal lease for our current place.  They only raised the price by $25 which makes our current place literally $200 less than the cheapest places in the area.  I hate this place but when I look at the cost I can't help but think about whether or not we could make this place work for another year.  Now that I know that it isn't the apartment that is causing my allergies.  I know, I know, I hate the place but my goal for next year is to try and pay back the majority of the debt that we have between us.  One of the easiest ways to save is by cutting costs within rent.

So I don't know.  I feel like I've hit my head or something by reconsidering this place but my pragmatism is doing the talking.  Yeah, that's all I got right now.

Making Progress

The invitation are finally done!  When I first started thinking about wedding planning, I pinned a quote that I must have unpinned after that said, "I spent thirty seconds looking at the invitation you spent three hours on."   My hope was that we wouldn't go crazy on the details like that but we totally did.  At first they were just going to be simple but then they were way too simple and I couldn't deal with that so then they slowly but surely became more and more DIY.  What they say about DIY projects is totally true by the way: think about how long you think it would take to create ___, and then double it.  All in all though I'm really glad we took the time to do them ourselves.   We both equally worked on them and that makes me super happy.  This could be entirely wrong but I believe that how a couple interacts as they plan their wedding is a reflection of the marriage to come.  Obviously I don't really know if there is any validity to that as I am not married yet and have not been close enough with any couple to see how the wedding planning process went and how it compared to their marriage but yeah, I've lost my train of thought. 

Also, I've written out the "Thank You" notes for everyone who gave me something at the shower.  Unfortunately I don't have the actual cards so I'll have to copy what I wrote today in the cards which may seem like a lot of work but this is me we are talking about.  Whenever I have to write in a card, I always write it elsewhere because I would waste so many cards since I hate making any kind of mistakes and also end up wanting to rearrange the sentences for the final product.  Writing "thank you" notes are way too important to do willy nilly.  People took the time to do something for you and I think it requires a bit of your time to say thank you.  Also, I need to remember that when I go to copy it onto the cards that I should start with the last person's I wrote as I was exhausted by the end of it and my writing clearly shows this so I'll be more inclined to fix it when the time comes to copy it.  

So we got some of the big things done for the wedding but we still have so much to do that it's kind of overwhelming.  I did send the e-mail I've been meaning to send to our venue so that we can schedule a time for us to meet and hopefully a date/time for the rehearsal dinner.  I also have a hair trial appointment booked and I am going to steal my mother's nail appointment to wax my arms.   Yes, I think I am going to do it.  Jamie, don't tell your mom because I know she'll totally disagree with this idea.  I know I should accept myself the way I am but I don't know.  My sister is going to do it too.  There's a part of me that's nervous about it.  That feels like I'm compromising and succumbing to taunts of former schoolmates and societal pressures but people do this all the time.  It's the reason we shave our legs and put make up on.  So yes, I'm giving in to vanity and I plan to talk with my therapist about it tomorrow.  

On a total opposite note from vanity, my grandmother is doing much better and is out of the hospital, thank goodness.  My mom took her to go see the Sound of Music today and she said that her outlook is just as awesome as always.  Apparently she told my mom that she is just going to go live her life from here on in and not wait around her apartment in case she starts bleeding again.  How awesome is she?  I love her so much and I really hope that I will not only have her mind at her age but also her attitude.  She's just such an incredible person.   

Quick Post

Totally forgot that I needed to write tonight.  I've been out and about most of the day and just spent the last hour working on the invitations.   It's been a good day, don't get me wrong.  The first half of the day was spent hanging out with Jamie.  Recently every time we've hung out it's been with others or in small groups.  These times are great but they normally give us very little time to talk so the two of us really got the chance to talk a bit.  She's one of those people you could spend all day talking to and I love that our her and our friendship.

After Dave and I went out to dinner where we had one of the best Friday's dinners ever.  Across the street there is a Men's Warehouse and a Payless Shoes where Dave goes to order the groomsmen's attire and I went and found some shoes for Maui.  Upon getting home, we immediately got to work creating the invitations.  I was just about ready to settle in, look mindlessly on the internet for a bit, and go to bed when Dave reminded me that I hadn't written yet.

So I was like crap.  Since I was not feeling so well yesterday I didn't get to bed until just after 3am and then randomly woke up at 6am.  With my nose still running and unable to fall back asleep, I got up and watched another hour of t.v. or so before suddenly feeling exhausted again and making my way back to bed.  I did end up sleeping a bit then even waking up late to meet Jamie.  Really, I got issues with this whole sleep thing that I need to address.  I plan to do just that tonight.  I still won't get a full eight hours but hopefully I'll get enough to not want to fall asleep at my desk tomorrow.

Hopefully we'll be just as productive tomorrow.  The wedding is coming toward us very, very quickly.

Maybe not allergies

Well, I think I might have actually figured out my issue with my allergies. It actually might not be allergies at all.  My constant runny nose, sneezing, congestion, and everything miserable may actually be due to non-allergy Rhinitis.  How did I come to this conclusion?  While at work today, it began all over again.  I started sneezing, my nose starting dripping like crazy and it was like I was never treated.  So I began wondering, "what did I do that was different?"  At first, I thought it was alcohol (which incidentally can contribute to non-allergy rhinitis) but it doesn't didn't seem like enough.  Then I remembered that in addition to my drinking yesterday I was also exposed to smoke.  Smoke from the grill that we cooked on yesterday totally blew into my face.

I then thought back.  On July 24, 2011 I went over to Aimee's where there was a cookout and a campfire that we roasted marshmallows on.  It was the next day that I mentioned how awful my allergies were and within a week I had given in and forced myself to go to the doctor.  This episode is very similar as I was exposed to smoke and now am a complete mess.  However, this time I do have a prescription for Rhinocort.  Of course, it wasn't covered by my insurance and I had to pay $138 for it but at least I have it.

According to Mayoclinic.com, non-allergy rhinitis "occurs when blood vessels in your nose expand (dilate), filling the nasal lining with blood and fluid. There are several possible causes of this abnormal expansion of the blood vessels or inflammation in the nose. But, whatever the trigger, the result is the same — swollen nasal membranes and congestion."  When I was given the shot at the doctor's it lessened the swelling and made me feel better.  Hopefully this time the Rhinocort, a corticosteroid nasal spray, will have the same desired effect. If not, it will be another $115 to get another shot up the ass which will totally suck.  Also, I will be avoiding all smoke.  


It's irritating and it really needs to stop but I guess it's better than wondering what the hell I'm allergic to. 

Driving home

Traffic goes so slowly at this time of the night.  At the moment I am writing this post on the back of what we were going to use as invitations to our wedding.  It's 11:59pm and Dave, Johnny, and I are stuck in stop and go traffic on 95 trying to get home from the Patriots game.  According to a sign we read earlier during the drive, this absurd car on car action happening right now is due to the fact that they closed three lanes of traffic meaning that at some point in the next few miles the four lanes that we are currently sharing will merge into just one.  It's absolutely ridiculous right now.

One of our groomsmen, Johnny, got tickets to the first Pats game of the season and he invited us to go with him. He didn't even charge us for the tickets!  Isn't he the coolest guy?  Though we left before the game ended, I'm pretty sure that we actually won the game; unless of course we blew it totally blew the decent lead in the last nine minutes of the game.  Another one of our groomsmen, Feissal, also joined us and we all had such a great time.  I actually allowed myself to get drunk which is something that I rarely do.  I might get myself drunk only a couple of times a year and I must say I enjoyed it thoroughly.  However, for some reason I always feel badly for those around me when I'm in that state and end up apologizing constantly.  Nobody ever cares and they tend to find my inebriation entertaining.

As of yet, I haven't gotten drunk to the point where I'd be embarrassed the next day.  I'm constantly surprised by the stories that people tell me about their actions after drinking.  It's not so much that they did whatever they did but that they are almost proud to of it and feel the need to talk about it.  A couple of weekends ago, my coworker randomly started laughing when she remembered that during her drunken stupor she apparently used her closet at as a bathroom.  I get her telling us but she then went and made a post on her Facebook wall telling her son not to use the pink towel on the floor.  I can safely say that I have never been that bad; however, I do enjoy getting slightly drunk.  I like that giddy, ridiculous, and slightly obnoxious quality I get after a few drinks.  I get why people enjoy it but I think being drunk gets such a bad rep because many people take it too far.

Okay, it's been twenty five minutes and we've finally dropped down to one land and traffic seems to be moving a bit more.  Regardless, we've decided to take back roads as we are pretty sure that they will shut down lanes again on the highway.  I think I need to stop writing though because I tend to get nauseous when I look down in a moving car and I still don't think I've entirely sobered up.  Continue to write could really cause more problems than it's worth.

Shopping for Clothing

What a fabulous day!  It was one of those days that you will you could have more often except that you would probably end up totally broke.  My cousin took me shopping today and it was so incredibly fun.  That girl has an eye like you wouldn't believe and she helped me immensely.  I've determined that when I go shopping for clothing, I need to go with other people.   If I go by myself I get far too overwhelmed and I am always in desperate need for someone else's opinion as I don't trust my own.  Not when it comes to anything fashion related.  It wasn't more than two seconds after we walked into Marshalls when I became totally overwhelmed but I followed her and begin looking for potentials.

I explained to her that I can buy dresses super easy but creating an outfit out of separates is too much for me.  She just told to me to pick out individual pieces right now and that we'd create the outfits after.  So that what I did.  Or rather I tried to, anyway.  At a certain point I had one top and she had about ten in her hands.  However, we got a carriage and within a few minutes even I found myself pulling things off that rack.  It was actually cool because I quickly realized that it was okay to pick out things that I didn't know how to make into an outfit but I liked as an individual piece because that was what she was there for; to make it work.

After we picked out numerous tops, like an entire carriage full, we went over to the dressing room to try things on and on my we found so many good things.  We eliminated the ones that just didn't work and then went looking for bottoms and basically did the same thing. Guys, I found so many awesome things that by the time I was done trying on all the bottoms I had to edit so as to not spend slightly more than a small fortune.  Finally, when we had what I was going to buy we went back into the fitting rooms so she could show me how to make outfits out them.  So tonight, I am the proud new owner of so many clothes!

Between my bridal shower gift of lots and lots of clothing for Hawaii and the shopping that was done today I feel like I have a wardrobe that I'm actually excited to wear.  I tried on all of the clothing from the bridal shower that Jamie, her mom, and my mother purchased for me and talk about getting some fantastic outfits from them.  It's incredibly cool that Jamie and her mom were able to channel me so well and buy me clothing that not only fits me wonderfully but that I also love.  This makes me so incredibly happy and excited, I can't even begin to describe it.

Thinking about it, I realized that I actually did have quite a few reasons for why I hated buying clothing.  For one, I never knew what to choose or how to actually shop for clothing.  That was huge as many times I would buy something only to never wear it or hate it later.  Clothing was also always so expensive to me too that I felt that I would need to spend an entire paycheck just buying one or two outfits which always discouraged me from buying things.  Finally, I always felt like I didn't have a definitive style for myself.   Over time and particularly today I feel like I'm moving past the first two issues.

 I feel like I'm learned a bit how to shop or at least what's necessary for me if I do want to go out and buy clothing (a.k.a bring people to help me).  In addition, shopping for clothing doesn't have to cost you a fortune.  Most of the things I got today I got for $10 on clearance at Marshalls.  In fact, I don't think I spent more than $25 for any of the clothing I purchased today and I bought a whole lot.  Sure, I did spend more today than I would want to on a random shopping trip but the plethora of outfits I got today (yes, they can all mix and match too--double amazing) cost me about the same as buying two super cute dresses at Anthropologie.  So really, it feels like a wash.   If I update my wardrobe at the end of each season to get the best deals it wouldn't cost me nearly as much as it did to actually purchase a wardrobe today and I won't feel so guilty when that occasion really expensive piece comes along.

Now I just need to get myself some accessories and shoes.  Gosh, I feel like an actual girl.  Woot!

The Royal Family

I feel like I'm back in the seventh grade as I sit here watching the TLC show, "Wild about Prince Harry."  Everyone who knew me back then knew that I was very much enamored with the boys of the royal family.  What's funny is that I thought I was being so discreet with my admiration but clearly everyone around me saw it. Looking back it makes sense as I couldn't buy the multiple magazines about them by myself and yes I bought every one that I came across.  Today, I not so embarrassed about admitting my interest.  I'm far what I would consider "obsessed" with them and was not one of the many who woke up at the absurdly early hour to watch the Royal Wedding though I will admit that I was very much inspired by it and thoroughly enjoyed it.

So yes, right I am quite unabashedly watching this hour long episode about Prince Harry and I will more than like watch the following episode, "Wild about Pippa."  As I'm not one for celebrity crushes and have left behind any fantasies of becoming a real princess back in my adolescent journals I am quite enjoying this episode.  Judge me if you will but I won't care.   I must say, of all the world's celebrities, choosing to follow the royal family here in the States isn't the worst to choose from though I perhaps would feel differently if I actually live in England.   I think my favorite line from this episode was that he became one of the world's most eligible bachelors and that women all over the world now adore him.    I can safely say that I adored him a solid ten years ago, so ha.

Normal Day

Waking up this morning was super difficult as the weight of the depression from the night before still weighed on me but I awoke to such understanding.  It appears that I was not the only one who wasn't happy with the way last night went down and I received e-mails apologizing for what happened.  Isn't it amazing what a simple (sincere) apology can do?  It really made me feel a lot better about everything.  I still need to speak with my sister but I'm am in a much better mental state tonight.

Also, my grandmother still seems to be doing okay.  They will begin to put her back on her former medications to see if she continues to improve or if they will make things worse again.  Please keep your fingers crossed that it all goes okay.  I really don't want my grandmother to have to choose between her risking her heart or undergoing invasive surgery that will leave her with terrible maintenance later on.  Hopefully though everything will go back to normal.  She deserves it.

I got to hang out with Katie today though because I couldn't wake up not for very long but it was so nice to hang out with her.  Though our conversation was brief, I thoroughly enjoyed it.  Sometimes you don't need to talk for hours on end for some good things to come out of it.   We discussed first dance songs as Dave and I are having a difficult time finding one.  Dave and I have a lot in common but our tastes in music varies a bit.   Katie, who is more on the same page as Dave when it comes to music, made some really nice suggestions.  Dave is currently listening to the song we liked to see if he likes it.  I asked him to play out loud, but he needed to listen to it "in his own way."  He takes his music very seriously.  It makes me smile sometimes.

So today felt like a normal day.  Not an extreme high like Saturday and not the extreme low like Sunday.  Just normal.  It felt good.

Sigh

I totally didn't intend to stay up this late and sadly it has taken a toll on my mood.  Tonight was not the easiest of nights for me and I just don't feel as good about things which I hate because I felt so awesome yesterday and last night.  Now, I'm wishing I came home earlier so I could text my sister because I seriously need to talk to her.  I don't think I should be allowed out on Sundays because somehow I always end up crying and miserable.  It's like every Sunday I feel like I'm complaining and whining and feeling down about something and today started out so good.  I really didn't think it would go to that point.

What's funny was that I was planning on coming home and further elaborating on how great the shower was and why I was so happy that Dave got to attend and all sorts of other happy things but over the course of the night things just took a turn toward the unexpected.  If someone told me I was going to end up in tears today I would've thought it would've happened at the hospital when I went to visit my grandmother.  For those of you who don't know, my grandmother got suddenly very sick the day after we went out to take a look at my dress.  When we left the prognosis looked good but I think there's still a small fear that it won't stop and invasive surgery may end up being the only option.   I forget how fragile my grandmothers are and that even the smallest things can make put them in the hospital.  However, my trip to the hospital didn't make me cry.  My grandmother was happy (though very tired) and feeling pretty good and had a phenomenal outlook on everything.

Sometimes I look at my grandmother and my grandfather and admire how incredible they are.  My grandfather always seemed to have a smile on his face and positive, happy outlook on life for as long as I can remember even as he was dying.  My grandmother shares that too though thankfully she's not dying.  They were children of the depression, fought in wars, raised six children with very little money, and did it all with such love, optimism, and selflessness.  I don't think I've ever heard either of them judge someone negatively or even talk about someone when they weren't around unless it was regarding something positive about that person.  So I guess I'm left wondering... where is that within me?  I'm just a thoughtless, negative, judgmental bitch at times.  What's worse is that even when I think I've done everything I could to show my appreciation and I thought I was doing I really good job at not exposing those negative qualities, it turns out that I am in fact just as self-centered and thoughtless as always.  Maybe I need to stop thinking I'm such a good person and actually be one.

Bridal Showers!!

Okay, this post needs to be written super fast because it's 1:44 in the morning and I am getting up for work at 7. Stupid Sundays.  Anyway, today was absolutely amazing!  It was truly one of those days when you look at your life and see just how wonderful everyone is.  That totally didn't really stated what I was trying to say but I'll elaborate to help if you don't get what I mean.

My bridesmaids (and my mom) threw me a fabulous bridal shower.   Seriously, it was so much fun and a total surprise.  I've been involved in the planning of a couple of bridal showers at this point and let me tell you they can be a lot work.  Mine was clearly one that they all put a lot of time, thought, energy, and effort into and it definitely did not go unnoticed by me.  Remembering my desire to have a giant tea party, they had it in a small, wonderful tea house in my hometown.  It was the same tea house that I saw the psychic in a few months back... that was their secret way of determining whether it was a good place to have my bridal shower.  I really couldn't think of a more perfect place actually.  Back when I first went to it, I adored the place and the little things they sell.  Not to mention that their food is superb and the people are incredible.  According to my mom, we were only supposed to be there until 6 or 6:30 but we didn't leave until after 8.  When my mom went to them, they basically said that we could stay all night because they loved us.  Really, how awesome and sweet is that?  Particularly after having worked all morning as well.  The woman who served us even kept watch for Jamie's car so that she could have us part in a separate lot due to the full lot for the psychic.  In reality, she knew that I would recognize the cars in the parking lot and she didn't want that to give it away.  Good thinking, no as I would have definitely recognized Dave, Katie's, and Laura's cars.

Anyway, they went with a vintage travel theme which was so perfect and fitting.  Katie created a sign that stated Denise & Dave: A whole new world on old maps that were cut into heart shapes.  As I am unable to sufficiently describe it, see: 

How amazing is that?  Unfortunately I am unable to zoom in on this photo but if I could you would see that almost all of the maps have a specific location that means something to me including where we went to college.  It's those kinds of small details that Katie is great at.   In addition, the favors my girls created were super unique and creative.  They each did a whole lot of baking and then got together at my mom's house to put everything together in the most perfect boxes (completely my style).  On the covers they had "thank you" written in different languages.    As if that wasn't enough, scattered across the table were vintage postcards of various places.  Some even had the writings of those who bought them from the fifties.  Okay, that was another weird sentence but you'll forgive me.  There was also a beautiful board complete with pictures and wonderful journals that they had everyone sign.  I'd say more but I need to move on to the presents.

Oh my goodness, Dave and I got such amazing presents.  People were so generous and I have absolutely no idea how to show my sheer appreciation for them.  A simple "thank you" card doesn't really seem to do it justice.   We got some many of the things we asked for and so much more.  My mother and Jamie and her mother basically bought me an entire wardrobe for our honeymoon which I greatly appreciate as I've been wondering how I was going to be able to do that.  Everything we received was more than we could have asked for and I can't even begin to express my gratitude not only to my friends who threw this amazing party but also to everyone who came and gave.   I only hope that someday Dave and I will be able to do something that would be deserving of it all.   Isn't it enough that I've found a man I want to spend the rest of my life with and be able to celebrate that with friends that I adore, but to get presents and gifts too?  I can officially say that I am overwhelmed with happiness and love.

Project Runway (don't worry, no spoilers)

Project Runway is back on!  I love that our dvr automatically recorded it because we asked it to for last season. So right now at 12:30am I'm watching the first episode while I wait for Dave to come home from hanging out with his friends.  Let's just say that I really love this show.  It's one of the few reality shows that I can get into.  I love seeing what the designers come up with and despite having absolutely zero design or fashion expertise or sense at all I thoroughly enjoy having an opinion of the runway looks.  Of course, I do miss it on Bravo as the designs that were praised were super fashion forward and high fashion.  It used to be that if I thought it was good, it meant that it was boring.   Now that it's only Lifetime it's better for the designers to create garments that women would want to wear.  I both like and hate that.  Right now, they are crafting their first outfits and as I watch it I'm totally in awe with their skills.  I admire the ability to sew so much.  It's one of those, "God I wish I could do that but I really have no desire to put the work in and learn."  Ah well, there are so many things I do want to learn that I'm sure I won't miss this unless for some reason stores stop selling clothing.

Wow, what is with my enormous paragraphs recently?  Yesterday and today my paragraphs are super long.  Oh well, sometimes that happens.  So it's already August 5th which means that I've been writing everyday for eight months now.  I'm really proud of myself and super pumped.  I've surpassed the half year mark and I can feel safe saying I'm actually following through with this.  It feels really good to do what I've told myself I would.  At least with the writing anyway.   I think the online accountability helps.   I know that friends read this every morning and I know they won't let me get away with not writing.  Not that they'll stop loving me at all but it won't go unnoticed which is super motivating on those days when I don't want to.  So thanks guys for that!

Opposite of Yesterday

Today was quite a day.  I started last night's post with the same sentence; however, today had an entirely different vibe.  Whereas yesterday when the day ended I felt frustrated and overwhelmed, at the end of the day today I feel accomplished and excited.  My wedding dress came in and I went to try it on earlier today and I'm an so excited!  It is everything that I envisioned and more.  Even better is that there are hardly any alterations needed.  Just the bust actually; that and adding cap sleeves.  Everything else though is basically perfect.   It fit nicely, felt great, and I am very happy with the way it looks.  I'll be honest, I was slightly nervous.   It's tough buying a dress way back in November and not second guess your decision.  Part of the fun about perusing wedding magazines is looking at all the dresses.  However, after you've already purchased a dress that can be something that causes doubt and even regret at times when you find something that's totally different than what you got but that you absolutely love.  So yes, today was very uplifting to see the dress and wear the dress.  As an aside, I was also super happy to see my grandmother.  I absolutely love her and I truly hope that I will have her mind and strength when I'm her age.  She's just amazing.

In addition, Dave and I met with our officiant today.  Oh my, we are totally in love with that man.  Okay, "in love" is a bit much but we are so grateful that we found someone as awesome as him.  More than being a great potential officiant he is just a great man.  There is a part of me that could go on forever about how much I jive with his beliefs and am extremely excited about putting together our ceremony.  Not only was he open to all of our ideas, he added his own thoughts based on his years of experience that only enhanced and help clarify exactly what we're envisioning.  He's just someone we can talk to in general as well.  We also scheduled a marriage counseling session with him which I am super excited about.  Yes, he is a certified marriage counselor and before we left he asked us some deep questions to think about.  What I love is that I think that he could sense that the one area of our relationship where Dave and I are truly unsure about is in regards to our spirituality.  For me, I long to go back to my spiritual roots. I was deeply religious when I was younger; so much so that my parents actually admitted recently that they thought that I was going to become a nun for quite some time.  Since the abuse I lost touch with it and though I know I'll never have the same kind of religiousness I had in high school I do really desire the more spiritual growth.  Dave, on the other hand, really has his own issues with his faith.  He too was also very religious during high school and has since lost all interest.  I think he would be perfectly content to never think about his spirituality ever again and I sometimes feel like I'm pressuring him to be more or look for more than he wishes.  Our reverend clearly picked up on this during our discussions and immediately honed in on it and I'm really excited to discuss it more with someone like him.

Overall, today left me feeling the exact opposite of yesterday.  I am exhausted though as I've been running all over the place all day today.  So with that, I'm going to go to bed.

Rough Day today

Today was quite the day.  I didn't get much sleep last night and the lack of sleep magnified everything.  I was supposed to go hang out with Katie today at 2:00 and I had to cancel and I was so upset.  Overall, I just feel so tired of dealing with crap; my PTSD and these allergies.  I've just had it and I want to enjoy this process.  Most of all I don't want to be a perpetually sneezing bride during my wedding and feeling "out of it" due to this ridiculousness.  Seriously, I totally lost my shit this afternoon and I got angry at Dave and then angry at some random kid online.  Then I made an angry post on Facebook and then finally I made one here.  By the time Katie called, I was just so upset that I broke down in tears.  Of course, she was super understanding and super supportive.

After I took my nap I physically felt better.  Unfortunately I had a rough dream that has me slightly nervous.  In my dream, I fell for some other guy.  The dream consisted of dates with this person, the feelings of giddiness and nervousness, and ended with the two of us becoming a couple.  There was a magic in that dream and I found it unsettling.  By getting married, I'm deciding that I've found that person.  When I first started dating Dave, I didn't know if he was going to be the person I would end up marrying but I do remember sitting in my car and feeling that the feeling that one gets when they fall in love.  I remember thinking, "Remember this Denise.  This could be the last time you fall in love."  At the time, that idea excited me.

Now, however, I kind of feel a bit regretful.  Yesterday, I drove past the large pond in Wakefield before going into work.  While driving by I noticed these two women with baby carriages power walking off their baby fat.  Some women may look at that scene and think, "oh I can't wait for that."  Me, I looked at that and thought, "that's the next step" and immediately I felt repulsed thinking, "how did I get here already?"  Please don't get me wrong, I am 100% in love with Dave and there are days that I do feel that magic.  I think of our upcoming wedding I get excited and hopeful and everything.  I'm so incredibly happy.

That dream just through me.  Why am I dreaming about falling in love with someone else?  Why did I wake up and feel the slightest tinge of regret that I won't ever feel that way again?  Shouldn't I just feel ready to completely discard those feelings?  I'm getting married in just under two months and I'm both excited and scared.

Side note

You know how I said I was starting to feel better last night?  Well the world has made me a big liar.  A big, ugly, miserable liar.  To try and explain my rage would be impossible and it's not the appropriate time as I've had all of an hour of sleep and things are not okay.  GAH! Angry Angry Angry Angry. 


Also... I am kind of wanting to cry but that will only make me feel worse, not better.

Going to the Doctors!

There are moments that I long to go back to the way things used to do be done.  Today I had one of those moments as I dragged myself out of bed to go to the doctors.  There used to be a time that the doctor went to you rather than expected you to go to him (her).  I must say that I feel like that is a far better arrangement at times.  Granted, when one is in need of an x-ray, blood-work, a potential crash cart, or surgery it is necessary for them to go to the doctor's office as these medical advances are not exactly portable nor would you really want them to be.

However, I'm not exactly referring to the extreme cases.  In fact, the majority of general practitioners and family doctors rarely have that kind of medical equipment in their practice and normally send you elsewhere for those services.  With that in mind, it seems somewhat silly that sick people should drive to the doctor than the other way around.  Trust me, driving to the doctor with a fever of 102.3 is not my idea of a good time; not to mention dangerous.

When one has a fever like that and is unable to lift her head from her pillow, it seems almost unfair that they are expected to get to the doctors office.  From somewhere the expectation is that she should get out of bed, possibly shovel out her car (as many of these fevers always tend to occur just after a snow storm), drive the ten to twenty minutes to the doctors, try to sit in those uncomfortable chairs until the doctor is finally ready to see you.  At this point, they ask a few questions about your symptoms, shine a light in your eyes, ears, nose, and throat, maybe run a couple of test before finally giving you a diagnosis.

If you're lucky, the doctor might determine that you do in fact have an infection, write you out a prescription, and tell you to go to the pharmacy to get it fill as soon as possible.  After you then drag yourself to the pharmacy and begin taking the medication you may be able to expect to feel better with a couple of days.  If you're unlucky, however, your diagnosis may only be that you have a virus and the best they can give you is "go home, rest, drink lots of fluids, etc."  It's moments like this when all I can say is "seriously?  I came all the way out here for you to tell me I should have stayed in bed and had some juice?"

How much better off would we be if the doctor were able to make that kind of diagnosis in your own home?  People would be safer and those who are sick might possibly heal faster without having to exert all the extra energy.  Not to mention the whole going into a giant waiting room full of sick people when you're only feeling slightly under the weather.  Really, what better way to become sicker than by surrounding yourself with sicker people than you?  The whole things seems entirely backwards.  I get that to switch it back today would be impossible.  Still, I look for the old days that never actually existed during my lifetime.

Anyway, I'm done with that tirade.  On to a new one!  So I went to the doctor today for reasons totally unrelated to the complaining above.  Unfortunately do to the lack of insurance all I got was a shot in the ass.  Still that has seemed to help a bit.  I'm really hoping that it will be enough to get me through the next two months.  Regardless I'm pretty sure that Dave schedule me another appointment for the beginning of September to do the allergy testing and possibly the x-ray and blood-work that I wasn't able to get today.  When I left the doctor's office I felt very uncomfortable.  Though I am feeling better than I had been so the shot in the ass was a good one at least.  Well, I think I'm done ranting now.  Sorry for the irritated rant fest!

Doctor's appointment

So when I stated that I was giving up and calling the doctors yesterday, I kind of lied.  My wonderful fiance and mother took it upon themselves to call the doctor and push my case.  Unfortunately it was just as complicated as I anticipated and I'm so glad that my mother and Dave were working with them.  I, on the other hand, spent literally the entire day sleeping.  Last night I came home and went to bed not long after midnight and slept until 4:10 when Dave called again waking me up and then I forced myself out of bed to go to work.  I know I have a tendency to oversleep but I haven't slept like that in a long time.  Had Dave not called and had I not had to work, I probably would've slept until 6 or 7pm. Crazy.  Luckily today, I feel a bit better.  At least back to my regular dealing with allergies self.

I also have an appointment with my former doctor tomorrow at 1:30.  Unfortunately it is not something my insurance will cover as my actual PCP refused to refer me to him since he is not part of their organization.  As a result I will be paying out of pocket for the visit and it will cost at least $150.   At least, I will be looked at though and hopefully treated.  Had I gone with the services of my PCP I would have had to be allergy tested all over again and the earliest they could see me wasn't until September 4th.  Seriously?  How absurd.  So yes, I'll keep you all updated on how it goes tomorrow.  At the moment it just feels better to feel like I'm somewhat cognizant again.  Yesterday I spent the entire day in this fog.  I was awake but not mentally with it all.