Work

Well, today wasn't the "great day" that I hoped but it wasn't a bad day either.  Although waking up was a super difficult task I did make it to work which is always a positive step forward.  During work I tried to stay 100% present in what I was doing.  Often times, I go into autopilot and allow myself to disconnect.  This can be helpful because when I get yelled at then I'm not invested and it causes less strife.  On the downside, I sometimes feel that I am not as sincere.

In that mindset, it's hard to remember that the people I'm talking to are just people.  They aren't trying to be stupid or irritating (at least not most of them anyway).   Some people truly don't realize that they don't have to be jerks to still get what they need.  Others really just don't understand how credit cards work.  I use computers on a daily basis but don't have a clue about how they actually work.  Why am I surprised when someone doesn't realize how a credit card works?  What may be obvious to me might not be so apparent to others.

It's easy to get annoyed and frustrated at times when they call in looking for their pin number because it's easier to call us than it is to read the notice that came with their card stating that they'd be receiving it separately for security purposes.  Even Brittany made a comment that if we got a dime for every one of those calls we would probably make bank in a week.  It's too bad they don't pay us based on that.  Sure people can be indignant but nobody likes being in a situation where they don't know something or need something from a stranger.

Plus not everyone is difficult.  Some people are wonderful to speak with and they deserve someone who connected and anxious to help them.  I want to be that person for them and I hate that sometimes I'm too self-involved or distracted when they call.  It's something I want to work on while I continue to work there.  After four years of providing phone customer services, the novelty of it wears off.  I want to renew that.  Maybe if I can create a purpose for my job, it won't be so difficult to get through the day.

"Great Day"

Overall today went well.  I went to work and everything went okay which is always a plus.  It's about the little steps.  Mondays have been the bane of my existence recently so the real test is tomorrow.  When calling out to different clients during the day one of them ended their voice mail greeting with "Make it a great day."  This was not the first time I heard this and it definitely won't be the last.  I've heard things along these lines for years but for whatever reason I thought about more than I normally had.  Perhaps it was the tedium of the day or maybe I've already been percolating on the topic for while but whatever the reason I found myself asking the question, "what would make a 'great' day?"

If I were going to make it a great day, what would I do?  What would that day entail?  Can I even have a great day if I'm working?  Quickly I determined that I definitely need to factor work into my "great day" plans.  If my "great day" couldn't include work then that would be only two days of "greatness" a week at max.  So yes, work included, "what would make a great day?"  Again, thinking of purely the basics and trying to keep taking baby steps I need to keep things simple.

A great day would start out at a reasonable hour with me waking up before noon maybe doing something for the apartment to feel a bit productive.  I would like to eat three decent meals and go for a walk.   When I go to work, I'd like to not freak out over nothing and actually try to sincerely help those who call in to seek it rather than get annoyed.  Coming home, I'd like to eat a nice dessert, take a bath, write, and snuggle with Dave before going to bed at a reasonable hour as well.  Simple, basic.  I meet my needs and I'm still somewhat productive and I'm sane all day.  Daily sanity is a must for a "great day."

What would be even more great is if I can actually give that to myself tomorrow.  It's up to me in the end.  I need to make it that kind of day.  We'll see.  I can't feel terrible about it though it turns out to be just an okay day or even a bad day.  They happen but I can try to make it not happen, right?

Almost forgot again

Ugh I forgot to write tonight so here I am typing furiously on my laptop trying to get something written before returning to bed.  Stupid Sunday workings-they throw me completely off.  Last night I got completely trashed with my husband and it was a lot of fun.  Also, because I'd never done it before I drunkenly texted his best friend who seemed to get a kick out of it.   It was the first time we've gotten drunk as a married couple which was a strange milestone to achieve but in our drunken giddiness that was a big deal.  We don't do that very often, just let loose and I can't imagine us doing again anytime soon.  At dinner tonight my dad offered us drinks and we were both like, "no thanks."

My parents, Dave, and I also book our Disney trip tonight too.  We will officially be staying at Coronado Springs for a spell during this holiday season.   I'm super excited.  For now though, I need to sleep.  I'll be  waking up in just four short hours.  Gosh, I remember the days when four hours was a "full night's sleep."  I wish I still had that magical college power.  

Quick post

I'm going to write something quickly because Dave is telling me to since we are planning on doing some drinking tonight.  We hardly ever do this but it's been a super rough couple of weeks and I want to let me inhibitions down for a bit.  So yeah, he thought it would be better to write now rather than to drunkenly write about it in a couple of hours.  In addition, I just had us pay more than half of our credit card balance of this month.  It's our biggest bill yet and it's depressing... stupid car repairs.  Worse, I'll be having to get mine down this month so next month's bill is going to be ridiculous too.  But then, hopefully, that will be the last massive bill for a while.  My word.  It totally stinks because I totally want to buy things but with that kind of bill being due and another one potentially next month, I can't afford to buy anything.

Okay, that's good enough.  Time to consume some alcohol.  Responsibly, of course!!

Mental movement

What to write about?  It's one of those days that I have a lot of thoughts and even more feelings but find myself unwilling to share them.  This being a personal journal in so many ways I want to treat it that way but then I remember that others can and do read this.  It's hard to be entirely open and honest.  More than that, it can be difficult to just state feelings without needing to explain them.  Some feelings can't be explained.

For example, while I was laying down, the feeling that I am still in the abusive relationship came to mind.  Of course, in reality I'm not in it at all.  My husband is so incredibly different and loving and supportive.  When I with him I feel safe and understood and like I could anything which is the complete opposite about how I felt in the abusive relationship.  Still, in many ways, I feel like my mind is still there.  My mind is still operating under the rules, parameters, and boundaries that were established during that relationship.  Even though it been years, I still feel mentally trapped.

I know it doesn't make sense and no matter what I say I don't think I'll ever be able to explain it to others. It's too close to home and I'm not sure if I fully understand it enough to explain why it does makes sense to me.  It does though.  For the first time in a long time, I feel like it's one of the first thoughts that I've had that means something- that feels like it's real.  It was an "aah ha" moment that my therapist talks about when you realize that one truth that makes everything fit.   This is why I've been having such a difficult time recently.  It's why I've been freaking out and hiding in sleep.  Suddenly things are slowly beginning to come together.

Finally, I feel like I've found what it is that I need to work with.  It's no longer this invisible amorphous being that I'm grasping blindly toward.  Now, I can use the energy to try and explore this new information.  There's so much here and I've only just found the box.  Like anything else, I know that what I find in there could make things worse temporarily.  I look forward to bringing this to my wise woman to help me determine how to go about tackling this.  Yes, I'm nervous but I'm there's a part of me that feels like I'm getting somewhere and that's super exciting.

Discovering new things makes me happy

Bumming that the Bruins lost.  They did it in overtime too.  Makes me sad.  No free couch for us.  I feel badly for my sister and Ben who are almost fanatical about them.  I wonder if Ben is currently responding the way Dave did after the Patriots lost.  Dave was so devastated after that so I'm thinking that as disappointed as I am, it does not compare to what Ben and Laura are currently feeling.

On a more positive note: today was a pretty decent day.  I got my windshield wiper fixed which was critical as it was completely broken and it was impossible to drive during inclement weather.  I'm no longer afraid of the rain so that's kind of awesome.  More awesome?  I found an incredibly cute and wonderful theater!  Thinking that I might have to drop my car off for a while, I searched the area for places to go while I waited within walking distance.  Initially, I looked for a cafe or bookstore where I could plop down and spend some time reading and writing.  However, on what would've been the walk to the cafe, I saw a cinema!

Doing another quick search for the cinema, I found that they were playing a film right at the time that I needed to be there.  I could easily drop my car off, go see the movie, and then pick it up.  However, that wasn't necessary.  They completed my car so quickly (in the time short it took me to eat a quick lunch) that I didn't need to leave it there.  Instead, I drove to the theater and went to see the movie.  As adorable as it was on the outside, it was just perfect on the inside.  There is only one show at a time and they are not always movies that the masses want to see.

The film I saw was a tribute to the dance choreographer Pina Bausch who recently passed away.  Though the dancing was different and modern, it was definitely beautiful to watch.  During the film the dancers talk about what it was like to dance with her.  They mentioned a quote that really stuck with me and I've been contemplating it for a good portion of the night.  At the moment, I'm not willing to disclose it.  It means to much to me and I need more time to digest it.

Trying again

Yay for no nightmares last night.  I slept all night and I slept well which I think helped me wake up at a reasonable hour.  I showered, did a load of laundry, and even took a little nap before going to work.  It doesn't seem like much but for somehow who's been struggling with the smallest of tasks, I feel quite happy about it.  I'm reluctant to set yet another goal since the 3 meals per day, the 10 minutes of exercise per day, or the walking on a daily basis were all giant disappointments.  However, not one to give up I'm trying again with something different.

My new goal is to spend 10 minutes a day maintaining the apartment.  Now that it's cleaner, I'm really motivated to keep it that way.   Of course there is only so much laundry or dishes to do so it means that I will find myself cleaning the floor or scrubbing the bathtub or doing things that may also contribute to activity.  Minor activity, yes but it's something.  It's also the one thing I feel super confident.  I feel motivated in a way I didn't about the other goals.  For me, there was something different about the last mess.  I felt how it made my psychological well being so much more difficult to attain.   I don't want to find myself in that spot again.

So yeah, please wish me luck here.  I need a success pretty badly at this point.

Not so hopeless setback

Something about the people potentially coming freaked me out, I think.  My nightmares, which has somewhat subsided, came back in full force last night.  I kept dreaming that they were just walking into the apartment, not knowing that I was there, and catching me sleeping.  Worse, in my dream I knew I was sleeping and there was nothing I could do to wake myself up.  Sometimes I would "wake up" and throw on some stretch pants but then I would realized my dressing was still part of my dream and that they were still coming inside and I was still laying in bed.  No matter what I would do, I couldn't seem to wake myself up.  Finally, I would find myself gasping for air and actually come back to reality.  I'd fall back to sleep and it would happen all over again.  At a certain point, I couldn't tell when I was awake and when I was dreaming.  It was terrifying.

Needless to say, when I finally did wake up I felt like I had been through an emotional war.  I was crying and frustrated and terrified that they were going to come to the door.  I wanted to leave but I couldn't get a grip.  It was awful.  In the end, I called into work.  Luckily, my job is super understanding and supportive.  I spent today working on small projects and watched a movie.  Once 5pm came and I knew that they would not be showing up today, I felt such relief.   I threw on my headphones like I used to do when I was a teenager and later took a bath.  Dave was hanging out with friends and it was nice to have the apartment to myself for the evening.  At first, I had wished for him to be near me.  I always want him nearby when I'm emotionally fragile but as I started to regain my composure I found myself enjoying the time alone.

On the bright side, having a clean apartment is liberating.  I hate putting the work in and I try to pretend that the mess doesn't bother me but it totally does.  It's oppressive and makes me feel even more confused and unstable.  Now that there isn't junk everywhere I need to keep this way.  Is there more cleaning to do, yes but right now I want to maintain this.  It's amazing just how much it helped during my recent setback.  I felt out of balance, unstable, and totally fragile but I had hope.  I knew it was temporary.  I looked around the apartment and didn't feel like such a failure and feel so overwhelmed by the cluttered and emotional distance I still need to travel.   Today was rough and I really, really hope that the nightmares don't come back tonight.

Cleaning

So Dave and I officially got the notice that people may be coming in to look at our apartment tomorrow.  At the moment, he is being awesome and working on cleaning the living room.  I took a nap so that I wouldn't be grouchy but then I woke up and my nose apparently was full of allergens and I've been miserable since.  Still, I'm going to buck and at help him at least a little bit.  Maybe take care of the kitchen or something before laying down for the night.  My hope is that this will be a decent clean that we can try to maintain.  It's always so much hard when the mess just piles up then it becomes such an arduous process.

My clean from a couple of weeks ago helped I think.  I feel like our bathroom is a bit more decent and the kitchen isn't too bad.  It's just all the miscellaneous clutter that needs to be sorted through in the living room.  The bedroom we'll at least make presentable for those that are coming in but I would like to get that done to my ideals as well.  Oddly enough, my making this apartment something I can live is my most successful goal of this year thus far.  We allowed ourselves to get sidetracked but this visit seems to be a decent kick in the pants.  I kind of wish we had known yesterday as I might have pushed to get the bedroom and the hallway done.

Oh well, we're just picking up where we left off.  It will be what we want soon enough.  Time for me to get to work and actually contribute.

Introverted vs. Extroverted

Went to a baby shower today and it was a lot of fun.  There were so many wonderful woman in attendance and small, adorable children running around.  Mommy to be was beautiful and glowing despite feeling super hot in this unusually warm April day.  I didn't know very many people but I got to meet a wonderful lady from San Francisco who has traveled around the world and we just had a great conversation.  In addition, the party gift was perfect.  If I ever get pregnant, I totally want to do this for my bridal shower.  We each chose a letter and decorated it.  People were so creative and artistic not to mention that it was super fun.  

For those curious, I did the T.

The party made me think about how so many people think I'm very extroverted.  There are many times when I feel like I'm extroverted myself.  I'm relatively comfortable meeting new people and find that I can participate in conversations easily.  I'm genuinely interested in talking with others and enjoy learning about their experiences, likes, dislikes, etc.   Overall, I enjoy working with people.  I want to work with others and I sincerely want to help others in whatever way I can.  

On the other hand, getting me out of the house is not an easy task: even for friends I know well.  If given the choice, I also always chose to stay home or just be with Dave.  Even tonight, I chose to stay and have spent the time to myself.  I've sat on my computer pinning things from Disneybound on Pinterest.  Dave is on his computer in the other room doing his own thing and I am super content with that.  Even Dave, who normally comes across as far more introverted than myself, expresses how he is far more interested in hanging out with friends.  Once I'm with friends, I feel great and I have a wonderful time.  It's just getting me there.  

Really, I'm a just a contradiction.  I do wish I embodied more of that extroversion.  In my daydreams, I envision having a home where people come over regularly and I am completely and totally comfortable even if they stay for days.  I see myself throwing lots of fun parties and attending creative parties of others.  Every time I hang out with friends, I find myself thinking about future get-togethers and truly cultivating those relationships.  I want that but at the exact same time, it seems to go against my very nature.  I don't maintain a home that's welcoming to others.  I don't throw parties.  I don't actively try to get together with others preferring the quiet solitude.  

Looking back, I've always been like this.  So much so that my father gave an accurate prediction while I was in middle school that if I didn't hang out with my friends then they would no longer be my friends.  I don't think he ever realized the complex that gave me later in life.  His words echo'd in my ears as those very friends ran away from me in the school yard the following school year and refused to speak with me for months.  I would linger with them anyway despite how they refused to acknowledge my existence and vowed that I would never choose solitude.  I actually appreciated the winter days being so short knowing that on school nights that I wasn't allowed to hang out after dark.  It made the hours having to socialize shorter.  There were times that I dreaded weekends believing that if I didn't go hang out with people, I would lose the friends I had made. 

During college, I was terrified of my friends hanging out without me firmly believing that they would just one day question why they let me tag along and leave me behind.  This caused a lot of jealousy on my part which was I'm sure very obnoxious.  I can't tell you how many times I would go hang out with a group of friends just because the person I was closest to at the time was doing so and I feared that those hanging out with us would realize just how awesome that person was without me.  I knew how awesome they were and I never felt like I could hold my own.  Somewhere, in my twisted mind, I needed to be liked as much as them.  I was lucky.  I had found myself some really great friends who tolerated my strange friendship issues, even went out of their way to accommodate them at times.  Thinking about it know makes me cry because that alone should have shown me how much they cared.  

Finally, years later, I'm beginning to come to grips with this issue.  There are times that I hear about it and I hardly think twice about it--truly a miracle.  Other times, I feel the twitch and I find myself having to talk myself down.  The difference is that I can talk myself down now.  Well, many times anyway.  I'm someone unique and different.  I do bring something to a group that no one else can.  I shouldn't be so worried about being replaced.  I can't replace anyone.  Why do I think that someone can replace me?  So I supposed this recent solitude is a choice that I'm making.  Trying to reconnect with the part of me I so badly tried to deny, that I hated, and that I thought threatened my friendships.  Maybe once I've reconnected fully, I'll find myself wanting to get out more.  Maybe not but I need to begin accepting want I am and stop berating myself for not being who I want to be.  

It's really not easy.  Let me tell you. 

Living to Work and Working to Live

Walking out of work with one of the newer girls yesterday we had a very brief conversation.  Because we don’t work near each other in the office I don’t know much about her.  She’s young, perhaps just out of college.  This might be first real job since graduation.  Smiling, though only half joking, she said, “We’re living to work and working to live.”   I remember when the harsh reality slowly dissolved my illusions of what my life would be like after finishing school.  We are brought up (or at least I was) to believe that once we graduate college we can find a job that we love to do and earn a decent living.  

After working at a credit card processing company four four years (yes, it is four years in June) I have long since come to the realization that very few of us find the job of our dreams.   In addition, I've also learned the "working to live" mantra some time ago.  However, something about her saying it yesterday caused me to think about it a bit more.  Maybe it was the NPR show on poverty that Dave and I listened to going to get pizza yesterday as well.  Either way, the "living to work and working to live" bit is quite a catch 22.  In the end, it is the major reason for people wanting to be rich.  It isn't that they want more and more things though there's always something awesome to buy.  It isn't because we want to travel to exotic places in luxury.  Really, what we want is to not feel like we are living to work and working to live.  

We want the freedom that being rich provides.  We want to feel like going to work is something that we want to do, not something that we have to do.  Is it a pipe dream?  Unfortunately, for the majority of us, yes.  In today's economy it's become even harder to dream but I do not believe the dream to be dead.  No, we might not be able to "choose" to work.  We may always "have" to go to work but I still believe that we might be able to find a job that we might enjoy going to each morning.  It' not impossible; my husband is proof of that.  Maybe it means that we won't make the most money in the world but if it gives us some enjoyment and meaning, that's what I think matters.  Especially since working to live is going to be a necessity for most of us.  

Volunteering?

Those commercials with the suffering animals kill me every single time.  Most of the time I am able to turn it off or at least mute it and avert my eyes but every once in a while I don't even realize that it's on until it's too late.  Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly emotional I'll even break down in tears.  I truly do not understand how people can abandon and hurt innocent animals.  They are so sweet and are just looking for someone to care for them.  A part of me feels that it is more heinous to hurt an animal than a person.  An animal can't speak or manipulate or hurt but a person, even a victim can still hurt their tormentor.  

I've been thinking about where I would like to volunteer and I wouldn't mind working at a shelter of some sort.  However, I'm concerned about forming an attachment only to see the animal not get adopted and put down instead.   Of course, I'm not entirely sure what is required of someone who volunteers and I need to do much more research but this is one of my top three charities.   My top one is working with other victims of domestic violence and PTSD but that one scares me in a way and I don't know if I'm ready for it.  The second choice is with an animal shelter and my third choice is to do something that would help research for Alzheimer's Disease.  

It's a disease that scares me more than many others.  Really, any disease that can cause you to forget those you love, your memories, yourself is horrifying.  In the end, that's all we have, isn't it?  As they said in LOST, "Live together, Die alone."   Who are you if not a collection of your personal experiences? If you can't remember those experiences, influences, loved ones what do you have?  Not to mention how heart wrenching it would be for your family.  I honestly don't know what I'd do if my mother or father couldn't remember who I was or didn't recognize me.   I've been lucky to have never had to experience this but there are so many who do. 

So yeah, that post came out nowhere.  

This morning's story

These things only happen to me.  I woke up late this morning and was getting ready to go visit Katie for lunch when I received a knock on the door.  I wasn't fully dressed at the time so I didn't answer and hoped it was just someone dropping off a package and would leave.  Then I heard the keys and I knew that it was someone from the apartment complex.  During the day if they think you're not home they will just come in to do what they need to do.  Immediately I finished dressing and rushed to the door opening it just enough so as to not reveal my disheveled appearance.

Upon looking out, I noticed not one or two maintenance guys but approximately seven people four of whom were very well dressed.  For a moment no one spoke before Lisa, our complex manager, spoke up asking if I received the notice.  Still perplexed by the mass of people outside my door and knowing absolutely nothing about a notice I just stared blankly to which Lisa responded, "you didn't received the notice?"  At this point, I managed to say that I had not received anything.  She then told me that we should have received a notice regarding them coming to show our apartment to a couple of investors as they are trying to refinance.

All I could think about was, "they cannot base their investment decision on our wreck on an apartment.  Of course, I don't blame her for thinking we were good candidates for this.  She has repeatedly told her that we are some of her best tenants.  If she only knew the slobs we were she would never had selected us for this showcase to the well dressed investors.  Luckily she gave me an out asking if this was a bad time and I, gratefully told her yes it was.  She said that there was another apartment they could look at and they left.  

Now though I felt uncomfortable going to Katie's right away.  What if there other apartment didn't work out either and this time I wasn't home so they came in anyway?  How embarrassing for Dave and me.  I mentioned it to Dave who said that he received a call from the apartment complex but that the reception was bad and all he heard was "blah, blah, blah" to which he said "no thank you" and hung up.  At this point I was like, "Dave, that 'blah, blah, blah was actually, 'hey we're bringing potential investors into your apartment so that they can help us refinance."   It was distressing but rather funny.

I would have loved to help them out.  Had I known, I would have made the place at least somewhat presentable.  Still, I was super reluctant for them to come back.  Finally, I decided that I was not going to let it keep me from seeing Katie so I wrote a message on the white board in the kitchen saying, "If you came back to look at the apartment we are super sorry about the disaster zone you unwittingly walked into.  We did not get the notice and have would have made this place far more presentable if we had.  Please don't judge!  Sincerely, Denise and Dave." Luckily, it does not appear that they did come back.


So the lesson learned by today's story: if Dave gets a call and only hears "blah, blah, blah" he should have me attempt calling them back.  That, and if we weren't such slobs then this would not have been an issue at all.  It's too bad I didn't know as I would've made that the number one reason to get the place in order.

It's a post...

Holy cow I'm sleepy.  I didn't get a good night's sleep last night.  The downside to all this amazing weather is the allergies that seem to come with it.  Last night, I got to bed late because I just wasn't tired and could not fall asleep for the life of me.  When I finally fell asleep I got all of two hours before waking up with my allergies completely overtaking my head.  It was awful.  I didn't get back to sleep until 8am and I woke up just before I had to get to work.  It was just a bit off-putting so I feel out of sorts in a way.

Now that I've written that paragraph I'm not sure what exactly to say.   I am just sitting on the couch watching the Biggest Loser and there was quite the twist on this episode.  They've shorten the episodes though to one hour instead of two and I'll be honest I miss the second hour.  The adds they put in seem so much more obvious in the shorter episode.  Also, I miss the challenges.  Now they're telling us to go online to see it but I don't want to do that.  I want to watch in on the t.v. because I'm a creature of habit.

That's it.

Exercise and Books

We had another weigh in at work tonight.  Although I haven’t gained all the weight I lost back, I did gain a solid 2 pounds back which makes me kind of sad.  However, I’m not going to let it get me down.  As we know, making giant life changes are not something I’ve been all that successful at recently.  Instead, I’m going about making smaller reasonable goals that will be easier to make a habit.   At first I tried tackling my diet but I’ve never been good with food.  Even at my healthiest, I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.  What’s changed the most since my healthy weight is regular activity.

Even after college while working at The Body Shop I was on my feet walking around the store for hours at a time.  Now, I spend almost all of my day at a computer committing seven hours at work and whenever I’m not at work at my laptop.  When I’m not sitting, I’m sleeping.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this inactive in my life and it’s not good for me.   In the past, I spent my time in structured activities, walking around campus, or even my store.   Trying to incorporate activity since has been difficult, even structured exercise seems hard for me to stick with.  I’m not giving up though.  I still plan to incorporate small increments of time daily and slowly increase it.  Hopefully, that will work. 

On a totally unrelated note, I’ve decided that I do like the book that I just finished.  I found myself thinking about it last night before falling asleep contemplating the twist at the end.  At first, the ending almost didn’t make sense but as I thought about I was able to reconcile it within my own mind.  Of course, it’s just my interpretation.  The only one who truly knows is the author herself but I can’t really ask her and now that I’ve come to my own conclusions I don’t think I want to anymore.  Thinking about it more I can completely understand why some didn’t like it but for me, it makes sense.   I’m also not afraid to say it: I liked the book. 

Feeling better? Hopefully

Writing this post now so I can fold the laundry and go to bed.  Dave and I went on another walk today.  My gosh, I was so sore.  How quickly my muscles atrophy!  It feels good though to have the sore muscles again.  I always knew that exercise is something that I enjoy doing but I always thought I needed to tackle the things I like the least first.  However, Katie was right when she said that I should start with small exercise goals to get some actual successes under my belt.  So right now that's my focus.   I'm actually really happy with the past couple of days.  After last week, I was nervous that I would not recover from the setback but I feel good.

I also finished a book tonight which always makes me feel accomplished.  It's strange.  The ending had a huge twist and I haven't decided how I feel about it yet.  It prompted me to jump online and get other people's opinions.  However, doing that just reinforced the necessity of determining my own opinion before seeking out others.  A lot of people hated the novel but I'll be honest: I didn't think it was terrible. I liked it (at least until the very end- I'm still unsure about that) but then I like books and stories that start at the end and end at the beginning.  And I enjoy books where the authors use "flowery" language.  I like it when authors pay attention to how they put words together.

What makes a novel great?  It's entirely subjective.  What one person loves another person might despise and that's okay.  Why is that so difficult for me to comprehend or accept?  Sometimes the book may not be a literary masterpiece (again, what's the criteria for that?) but I read it at just the right time.  There was something about this book that makes me want to put my past behind me.  It's one of those things that I wish I could discuss it with someone and at the same time, I just want to keep it to myself.

I'm full of contradictions lately.

Cambridge

Good day today!!  I got outside during the absolutely gorgeous evening by going to Cambridge with Dave.  We went to Harvard Square and walked two miles to the Friendly Toast for dinner and then walked back getting some delicious ice cream at JP Licks.  It was a wonderful to spend the night together.  The long walk was unusual for us being so sedentary recently but both of us agree that it behoove us to begin walking more regularly.  We spend a good amount of time talking to each other most days so we might as well walk during it.  Of course, we couldn't help talking about what it would be like to live there.  

It was a great night with my amazing husband and I'm really glad we ventured there.  

::shrugs::

I made it to and through work tonight without a panic attack.  Bonus points for me.  Actually I was feeling a bit better today which of course, led to the inevitable breakdown where I cried for a solid half hour before finding comfort in a couple of games of solitaire.  Oddly enough, it was the first time I've cried all week so it gave me much needed catharsis.

My tears today indicated that I'm just feeling overwhelmed.  I feel stuck where I am and find what is needed to move out of this place completely beyond me.  I begin to think about it and I shut down.  Last week, I came to the realization that I'm not as far along in my trauma recovery as I initially thought I was and that I still have a whole lot more to go.  Not to mention everything that would not necessarily be considered "traumatic" but still very detrimental to my emotional and psychological stability that still needs to be address.

Such a large part of me just doesn't want to go into any of it which is why sleep always wins when I look at my options.  Perhaps deep down, I hope that my subconscious will deep with it for me by way of the multiple nightmares and dreams that I've been having.  I don't know.  I need out of this rut but I'm too halted by the tasks necessary to get out of it.  That and I don't even know where to begin.

Truthfully though.  I need to figure it it out because I can't continue to exist like this.

Prayer

It's 3am and I'm awake.  I went to bed again at 9 with the hope that I could pull off the same thing that I did last night where I slept for twelve hours and woke at 9:30 am.  12 hours seems like a lot but it also appears to be my new normal- at least for now.  Unfortunately, I woke up around 2am and haven't been able to fall back asleep so I decided to get out of bed for a bit.

Before falling asleep earlier night, I prayed for the first time in a really, really long time.  I've tried it many times in the recent past to no avail but it felt different this time.  I actually did feel a bit calmer.  I'm not sure if it will go anywhere but it wasn't a distressing situation this time.  A part of me feels slightly inclined to try church.  Again, I'm not sure but it may be something to look into for the future.

inching along

I made it to work today which is a positive.  Unfortunately I also had to leave early which is a total negative.  It sucks.   Later on tonight, I sent my manager and my team lead an email apologizing but I haven't heard anything which totally worries me.  I hate that what I'm going through right now is also affecting my work.  It drives me mad actually; not to mention is incredibly embarrassing.  My manager isn't in tomorrow but hopefully I can speak with her on Monday.  My goal is to make it through the whole day tomorrow without panicking.  I will take my tranquilizer if I must and just hope it doesn't put me to sleep.

On the plus side, quite a few friends and family reached out to me.  Katie and I had a wonderful conversation.  I'm so lucky that I have such incredible friends.   That's where I'm going to leave it tonight because I'm trying really hard not to berate myself.  I have some great people in my life... it will be good to leave it at that.

Blank and Numb

My head aches.  Really, what the hell?  Again, despite waking up late, I'm exhausted and absolutely dreading working tomorrow.  I'm having super high anxiety for no reason at all.  Dave and I tried going to Jordan's for some ice cream but I was super anxious and afraid for no reason at all.  I just felt myself close up and shut down.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I'm desperately hoping that this is just a slump because I feel like I've taken a huge step backward in my progress.   Seriously, I just want to go back to bed and sleep forever but nothing has happened.  Nothing changed.  So what am I doing back in the space.  At first I thought I was just being lazy, then I realized that I was feeling under the weather, but now I feel physically better but mentally.   My mind is just blank and too numb.  I need to get over this.

Cough Cough Blegh

I think I caught the office bug that's been going around.  The coughing and the losing of my voice and whatnot.  Like always, it comes with an overwhelming feeling of exhausted.  I will be scheduling myself a physical tomorrow.  Yes, the tiredness effecting me at the moment probably has something to do with my fighting this sickness but I'm always tired.   I feel like I'm struggling to wake up everyday and that's not normal.  Not for a 27 year old anyway.  I doubt that there is anything actually wrong with me but I'm overdue for my physical and maybe they can tell me something I don't know.  They are doctors afterall.

So with that, I'm doing to bed early despite sleeping again all day.  Thank goodness I have tomorrow off.   Maybe I'll really be able to get ahead of this and be fully alive again soon.

Trying to make the most of it

I had a rough day today.  Really rough.  My parents always said that if I have a good day one day, the next day I'm a miserable, disgruntled mess.   That must of been what happen with today.   I woke up feeling like absolute crap.  I couldn't get out of bed and I was all out of sorts.  Dave actually ended up calling out of work for me and I went back to bed not waking up again until 7pm.  Seriously?

I did make sure to get three meals in today.  Literally forcing myself to eat the peanut butter sandwich Dave made for me.  That's my new goal for the next two weeks: to eat three meals per day.  I'm notorious for skipping meals and spending a half a day not having eaten anything.   When I tried "getting healthy"  I went from eating irregular crap to trying to eat 6 small healthy meals per day.  It's really no wonder that I felt apart after a couple of weeks.  So I'm going to go back to basics and begin with healthy habits.  I'm not going to worry about weight loss anymore.

So for the next two weeks, I'm dedicating myself to just eating 3 meals a day.  There are no other rules.  Just need to eat.  I need to get my body used to getting food regularly.  I want to feel hungry when I'm supposed to and the satiate that hunger.  Once I can eat 3 meals per day for 2 consecutive weeks then I'll  start implementing modifications.  In all honesty, I'm expecting this to go on for at least a month but maybe I'll surprise myself.

Easter Sunday

I'm always surprised by how quickly time flies when caught up in a decent work of fiction.  It's so unlike the distinct short stories portrayed on television.  Hopefully you all enjoyed your Easter Sunday.  Earlier, I had written a post that was both nostalgic and caustic in reference to this holiday.  However, now that the day is over I think it best to discuss how my holiday was celebrated rather than reflect on what it no longer is to me.

Actually, I almost forgot about the holiday entirely.  Today was a regular work day and there was hardly any mention of it leading up to today.  Luckily though, my parents both remembered and invited Dave and me over for dinner.  My parents are awesome.  Despite my being just three short years shy of thirty and my sister having turned a quarter of a century this year, they still hid eggs all over the house for us to find.  The four of us: Dave, Laura, Ben, and I methodically went into each room and then scrambled about looking for where my father hid the eggs.

Like last year, my parents filled the eggs with coins and candy.  I'm enjoying a mini Reese's peanut butter cup as I write this.  In addition, they included little felt bunnies that featured a number within each egg.  Once all of the eggs were collected and opened, they brought out the collection of prizes and we used the numbers from the eggs to determine the order in which we could select the prizes.  Honestly, this is my favorite part of the game.  Last year, I made out with a toothbrush that I absolutely adored.  I haven't gone through the prizes this year but I landed a hoola hoop, a set of toy guns, a small 100 piece Disney princess puzzle, band aids, toothbrushes, dental floss, Milano cookies and a whole assortment of fun goodies.  Like I said, my parents totally rule.

When I left, I couldn't help but feel slightly bad.  I'm at the age where Dave and I should be throwing these kinds of get-togethers.  We should be the ones cookies for them and yet they still provide us with holiday celebrations like they did when we were kids.  Just as I was about to leave, I noticed the pile of dishes in sink and felt awful that I hadn't even offered to clean up.  We came empty handed and it seems rather immature.  They were quick to brush these comments aside when I spoke up but I still...  Funny, as part of my homework assignment for therapy I am supposed to collect some of the instances where I'm being hard on myself.   I guess I can add this paragraph to the list.

Although Easter may no longer have the religious significance it once had, I am so incredibly thankful for my family.  They provide a secular tradition that brings us all together gathered around the table laughing, fighting, and being a family.  It was truly a wonderful way to enjoy the holiday.  Thanks mom and dad.

Busy day off

My word: we really let our apartment get beyond messy.  I spent all day cleaning and the apartment would still be consider very unkempt by any stranger.  Of course, it didn't get like this overnight.  We spent many, many lazy days not doing anything: not doing the dishes, not doing the laundry, not throwing our trash away.  Pathetic, really.   I kept thinking I wanted to do the dishes or do a load of laundry but then I'd get home from work and feel too tired or I'd wake up late and didn't want to spend the hour before work cleaning.   Because we allowed it to get beyond a "manageable" amount, a simple wipe down of the counters or rinsing of a few dishes or one load of laundry wasn't going to cut it.

I was supposed to hang out with Lauren and Jamie today but with Easter being tomorrow and Dave at PAX we agreed to meet next weekend instead.   A huge part of "needing a day for me" was to finally tackle the growing mess that was slowly making me insane.  So today, I got through all the dishes, did 6 loads of laundry, cleaned most of the cluttered trash that accumulated, and did a somewhat thorough cleaning of the bathroom.

In addition, I went to get dinner at my favorite crepe place and tried on some pants at New York and Company.  I've been having a difficult time fitting into my pants.  In fact, only one pair fits comfortably and I kept thinking, "oh I'll lose the weight and they'll fit."  Yeah, yeah I know: it's what everyone says after they've put on a few pounds and their clothing no longer fits.  Sure, I lost the five pounds but I've practically put it all back on since that panic attack.  Really, the panic attack is just an excuse.  Truthfully, the I tried to do too much too quickly.  You can't try to change every aspect of your life all at once.

So, I've ordered pants that will fit and I will try and lose the weight again but this time in a far more slow and organized fashion starting with eating more.  Yeah, seems backwards but I don't eat and when I do I eat everything.  My first change will be eating three times a day.  It can be anything (even fast food) but I need to do it at least three times a day.  I need to get in the habit of eating on a regular basis.  Then, hopefully, I'll be able to reduce portions or create substitutions.  Maybe then, I'll be able to start shedding the pounds.

Lifting of spirits

Getting home tonight I was feeling super depressed.  Dave and I went out to dinner at UNOS after I got out of work and they messed up our order.  However, the manager came out and gave us the preferential treatment.  He gave me an extra salad and catered to our every need totally making up for it.  In addition, they basically gave us our entire meal for free.  Our bill only came to $2.96.  What?  Of course, after they bent over backward I couldn't pay only that.  So we left a twenty and left quickly before they could try and give it back.

When we came back home, I took a bath and just felt completely bloated and fat.  My mood plummeted and I couldn't break it.  Then Dave called me into the room.  He borrowed his best friend's camera and our entire wedding ceremony was on it.  Feis's sister or his fiance videoed all of it.  Watching it again with Dave completely lifted my spirit.  It was really such a amazing day.  What Dave and I both seemed to love the most was spending the day with all of our closest friends and family.  Really, there is no other time in life when everyone comes together just for you.

Watching that video, I was overwhelmed with gratitude.  I am so grateful that everyone came out for us.  Our bridal party was just incredible.  We are so incredibly lucky- to have each other, to have such a great group of friends, and such a wonderful family.  I love them all so much.  Thank you Heather or Becky for the unexpected wedding gift six months in.

Therapy

I am exhausted and once this is over I am going straight to bed.  It's days like these when I wish I hadn't made this decision to write everyday but it was and still is a very good idea.  Once I'm in bed and I've written, I'll feel so much better.

Went to therapy and decided it was time to bring my focus back to the things that I was beginning to approach before my most recent panic attack.  I decided it was time to begin dealing with my negative self-talk.  Katie, Alli, my parents, Dave, and others have expressed that I'm too hard on myself.  Recently on Pinterest, I repinned the quote, "If a friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, how long would you be friends?"  That quote resonated with me and while I was talking to my person, I came to the conclusion that my being hard on myself is a defense mechanism.  I anticipate what others my say, I assume their criticisms and criticize myself before they even have a chance.  If I'm criticizing myself, then others will feel like I've already covered it.

Being highly critical of myself works for me as a way to defend myself from potential criticisms.  It's my way of deflecting.  Dave reminded me that I do not handle criticism well and I never have.  I get super defensive and get angry or I take it as total fact and become super depressed.  So much of it is a self confidence issue.  Without self-confidence, you can be very easily swayed by what others say you.

She gave me a homework assignment that actually involves a book I bought for myself a long time ago.  She asked if I every read it and I told her I could never get past Chapters 1 and 2 which focus on eating better and staying healthy.  The book recommends that I do this for 2 weeks before continuing on and since I could never finish two weeks of self-care.  My therapist suggested modifying it into something that's more than a pass/fail task but rather something that I am actively working toward.  Also, she suggested that I begin with Chapter 3 and work through Chapter 5.  

I have my assignment and it's reasonable.  I can do this and maybe (hopefully) I'll be a bit more forgiving of myself and my flaws.

Hunger Games

Dave and I had a date night and went to see the Hunger Games tonight.  I completely agree with everyone else and say that it was a great adaptation of the book.  One of the best aspects of the books are that they read like a movie and when that happens I sometimes wonder if the movie will oversimplify it or leave out vital aspects.  However, they did a wonderful job with it and I agree with Katie who stated that they did a fantastic job casting.   More than anything, I think they made a great choice with the ending by toning it down a bit.  The end of the book was super intense, more intense than it needed to be for the movie to have a similar effect, especially for a PG-13 audience.  The movie made me remember just how much liked it (I had mixed feelings after reading the second-half of the last book).  I really love it when the movie adaptation does the story justice.

Somehow this led Dave and I to discussing children.  Yeah, a movie about kids killing kids got us talking about having children of our own.  Yes, we're a strange couple.  Really, it got us discussing how it important it is for reading books to be a huge part of our lives with our children.  When I'm pregnant I want to read aloud to the baby in my belly.  I want Dave to read to us.  As they grow up we want to have designated book time when we spend an allotted amount of time reading: all of us.  The time increments will of course increase as they get older.  On long trips, it's important to us to listen to books on tape.  Also, reading a story before bed is not something I particularly agree with.  Reading is meant to stimulate, to get us thinking, imagining, and talking.  When my kids read, I want them engaged.  I want us to have discussions.  I want my children to read and then reenact the stories the way that kids make pretend after seeing a movie or watching a television show.  Luckily Dave is in complete agreement which made this a delightful conversation.

Of course, this expanded to other areas where we both realized that we are so not ready for us to raise children.  There are so many things we want to do.  There are so many routines we want to create.  Honestly, I need to figure out how to take care of myself first.  In the end, it makes me super excited for Katie and Jared's little one.  Adam and Ashley are also going to have a new baby in June.  So many babies!  Eeep!

Making a big deal out of something minor

I don't know what to write about tonight.  I'm reading "You Majored in What?" and I haven't been able to get through the first chapter because I'm too busy trying to create my "wandering map."  Problem 1: I don't have a big enough piece of paper.  Problem 2: Once you write it down, you can't move it around to assist in making the "connections" which is major part of the assignment.  So I did what I always do and I brought Dave into my task.  After trying to work it out himself, he made a suggestion that it would be easier if each of the words and experiences were on magnet and we could move them around.  So the initially simplistic map is become a super awesome project for the two of us.  We plan on using magnetic chalkboard spray paint and creating a large "board" on the walls on either side of our bed to create our maps.  I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about this.  I'll share my findings eventually. 

And to finish it like the serial killer "thirteen" on the show Dark Minds, "that's it." 

Superstars

My coworker's nephew was the body double for Ryan Reynolds!  What!?  Hearing that today totally made my day.  My coworker didn't even know who Ryan Reynolds was but me an another one of my colleagues I think made him realize that being a body double for him is actually a pretty big deal.  Seriously, it totally my shift and my whole night.  Ryan Reynolds is my get out of relationship free guy as he is super, phenomenally hot.  A gorgeous man really.   Dave asked if I was going to go for my coworkers nephew to which I answered, "absolutely no."  Ryan Reynolds has a mouth watering body, sure but it's his face that makes him the whole package.  His face is both strongly masculine and yet has this quirkiness to it that is just so endearing.   So yeah,  it feels totally awesome to be only 3 degrees of separation from him.  

In other news, I'm super proud of my best friend who totally went for a timed, monologue only audition.  For someone who hates auditioning with monologues, this is huge!  Plus, she got super lost beforehand and did not call to cancel and drive home.  Despite, making the anxiety much stronger she made it and completed the audition in the allotted time necessary.  This is such huge step for her who struggles with feeling like she is good enough to go for what she wants in life.  Even if nothing else comes of this audition, she made some great progress and got some wonderful experience.  The best part: she knows this too.  Way to go, sweetie!

Eye Makeup

After work today I decided I didn't want to go right home.  Last night after finishing my board on Pinterest, or in an attempt to add make up or something else, I began looking at Sephora and Lancome.   I loved some of the eye shadows that Lancome had to offer and I contemplated trying one of them after work.  I figured I'd see how tired I was when I left work and decide to go then.  Oddly enough, I found that I wasn't all that tired so I made my way over to Sephora to play with the makeup.  As usual, I remembered just how much I despise the Burlington mall and it was insane.

As I was looking at one of the eye shadow palettes, one of the makeup artists came over and asked if I needed help. I enjoy getting my make up done and was definitely interested in learning how to utilize the five different colors on my eyes so I asked her a couple of questions.  Instead of working with one of the palettes I was looking at, she went over to a totally different counter and I found myself agreeing to wearing those colors instead.  Seriously, I knew I should have spoken up but I just stayed silent.  When she was done, I wasn't all that thrilled.  Despite the colors being more subtle, the look itself was not.  The mascara on my eyes was insane and I just felt very uncomfortable.  

I continued to peruse the mall for another ten minutes or so before deciding I needed to go home and take it all off.  For me, less is definitely more.  Although, I can pull it off and makeup artists love to experiment with strangest colors, I end up not feeling all that comfortable with it.  Perhaps, I just wasn't in the mood for something so intense today and was looking for something that I would actually wear regularly.  Either way, I came home and it took me almost a half hour to wipe out the ridiculous amounts of makeup off my eyes with eye makeup remover.  If it takes longer to remove it than it does to put it on, no thank you.  Sadly, my right eye feels all irritated.   Lesson of the story, trust the person who you allow to put on your makeup.  If they don't listen to you or disregard what you're looking at initially, there is a very good chance they are not going to give you what you are looking for later.