Unhappy Stupidness

Another night and I'm in a horrible mood again.  For the past thirty minutes I've sat here with enough to say but unable to write any of it.  Seriously, I don't want to do this right now.  I just want to watch my Law and Order on Netflix and read the entries in my Google reader.  Really, I was feeling so much more positive about things until yesterday and even today thing actually went well.  I had another very enlightening therapy session and they came out to work on our apartment issues and though they aren't fixed the guy was really nice about it.  

Honestly, I think I'm just dealing with anxiety.  Just got some news that I wasn't really prepared for (not horrible news and everything is okay but more that it makes me really unhappy) and I'm feeling anxious about what to do.  How do I want to handle this?  Alone?  With friends?  Why does my schedule suck ass?  Why did I not ask more questions earlier when I could've possibly done something to make this feel a lot better now?  No, I do what I always do when it comes to things I don't want to hear or prepare for, I avoid.  Okay, I don't always avoid, sometimes I freak out about something that's not going to happen for a couple of weeks (if it happens at all) but normally in that case I do come up with some sort of back up plan.  Gah, I hate it when my lack of worry screws me and reinforces this need to constantly worry so that I will be prepared when I actually have to deal with whatever it is I'm worrying about.  Anticipating the problem is much worse than dealing with it but clearly I didn't do enough anticipating earlier which is going to make dealing with it this time a whole lot harder. 

::Hmpfh::

Apartment issues

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  Or rather, you might have thought that I was trying to struggle through a 5 mile run if you had the opportunity to watch me wake up this morning.  For goodness sakes, I didn't have to work this evening and I had to wake up to go to a massage!  Really, Denise? Really?  Even after my massage, I drove home and felt like I was in a fog.  By the time I got home, there was a large part of me that wanted to just go by to bed though it was already past lunchtime.  The only reason I didn't was because Dave had the day off as well and we don't have many days off together.

To top it off, it's officially raining in our apartment.  You know how I told you about how we went on a rearranging rampage a couple of weeks ago?  Well consider that completely null and void as we've once again had to move everything because of not one but two leaks as buckets now sit collecting water where our computers and printer once resided.  Luckily we were able to get those out of the way before those were damaged.  For the past couple of days, we've watched as the paint on our ceiling slowly began to expand in a beehive looking thing.  We decided it would be best if moved our electronic equipment away just in case and we're both glad we did.

Getting home after my massage, Dave was waiting for the call from our maintenance staff.  We decided that this might actually constitute as an emergency maintenance issue as there was water coming from all over the place.  When the guy finally came out to take a look at it, he did sort of confirm that we were justified in calling (is it bad that I feel badly about calling him on Memorial Day?).  The downside is that the cause of the leak is coming from our neighbors' air conditioner and he couldn't give us an ETA on when they could fix it.  He also said that our own air conditioner is fine but it's yet to produce anything more than a gentle breeze.   Our fans have kept us cooler.  Back when I was initially began looking for potential apartments due to the lack of windows in our basement apartment, I don't think Dave had the same sort of desire.  I can understand; we've been here for almost two years with few issues, the management is pretty decent, and we do have a good size space and layout.  Not to mention, we pay less for this place than we should.  However, between the air conditioner breaking, the leaks, and our new little buggy residents I think he wants a change just as badly as I do.

Dave is going to try and contact the regular management staff tomorrow.   Keep your fingers crossed that we can get this fixed quickly!

New England weather maybe isn't so bad after all...

On the way home from work I listened to NPR as they discussed the recent tornadoes in the Midwest.  It only takes about fifteen or twenty minutes to get home but in that short amount of time, I thought about how nice the weather really is in New England.  Surprising even myself with my thinking, I began to think about it a bit more.  The weather here varies between two extremes from frigid, snow covered winters that actually causes any exposed skin to hurt to hot, humid summers that can make it difficult to breathe at times.  During the worst winter, we might have a number of Nor-Easters oppressing the earth with yards of heavy snow.   These kinds of  storms may cause power outages and some damage to your house or if it happens quickly and at busy time during the day, it can cause some terrible car crashes.  However, compared to other parts of the country that's minor.

Tornadoes, hurricanes, and earthquakes are not only dangerous but normally result in massive property destructions.  Entire towns can be toppled and hundreds of people can become homeless within a matter of minutes or possibly seconds.   Not only do they have to deal with the frightening idea that they may not know about the well-being of their loved ones but also have to deal with the wreckage of their homes.   I can't imagine what it would be like to feel the immediate gratitude of the end of the event but then realizing that where you would live is now a pile of rubble beneath your feet.  Or worse, that all of your belonging and tangible memories could be scattered around for miles and there's little hope of reclaiming them.  Even if you are financially in a good place at the time; the amount of money it would cost to rebuild and even to live temporarily while you try and figure out what to do.

I truly can't imagine the devastation that many people in United States and abroad have felt as a result of a standoff with mother nature.  There is the ever looming threat of a massive earthquake waiting for us as we casually live over a fault line, the occasional hurricane make cause some terrible destruction, and every once in a blue moon we might have a tiny tornado touch down but it's not something we anticipate having to face every year.   For years, I've complained about the weather here but maybe I just don't know how lucky I am to live here.

Today Dave and I went to visit my parents and just before leaving, the topic of the wedding registry came up.  Why do I have such a hard time asking for gifts?  Yes, we both know that it's tacky to ask for cash but is it bad that it's really what we want.  Our first goal after getting married is to pay down of debt and small trinkets or a nice dinner on our honeymoon aren't really all that necessary.  Truth is, although Dave and I could use some new pots and pans, knives, bedding, and things of that nature that's only a couple of things.  A couple of really expensive things that I feel just as bad asking of as asking for cash.

Then there's a honeymoon registry but we're already going to Maui.  We've got the flights, the places to stay, and the rent a car, really what more do we need?  Maui already offers just about everything we are looking for: the beaches, the road to Hana, the volcanoes, and all sorts of inexpensive activities we can do to enjoy ourselves.  Sure again, there are maybe one or two things we could ask for such as the sunrise hike down the Haleakala volcano and perhaps an evening luau but there's really not much more that we are looking to do.

We are definitely going to do those things on our honeymoon and make those purchases anyway and yes it will save us that money that we can later put toward debt; I'd still just rather have the cash though.  Right now, if I were to spend any large sum of money on anything not wedding related, I purchase a new couch and book those two events for our honeymoon.  The bedding, the pots and pans, knives, etc, all of that can wait until I feel ready to afford it.  I wouldn't actually buy any of that stuff now because I can't afford it so therefore, when others buy it for us, it's not like we can actually take the money that we were definitely going to use for those items and put it toward the debt.  As of right now, I don't have $129 to spend on a duvet cover so if someone buys that for me, it's not like I can put $129 of my money that I would've spent into the getting out of debt fund.

It all just seems so silly.   There's a part of me that wants to tell my guests to wait until Dave and I buy a home together.  We don't need wedding gifts, but owning a home is a big deal.   Instead of buying us something for the wedding, you could put that money toward helping us pay for a solar panel roof or a new water heater for when the one in our 50 year old will break and we'll need to buy a new one.   In the end, there are certain things I don't mind using my money on.  I don't mind paying for a bike ride down a volcano; to me that's money well spent for the experience alone.  It's the other stuff like new clothes or home decor that I don't actually buy.  I can put off buying those kinds of things forever.  Paying for an experience is one thing; buying something that you may use once and never again is another.  If that happens, you've wasted money on just one more item taking up space.

Weird, somehow in a sort of twisted way, I think I just talked myself out of a honeymoon registry and into a home registry.   Dave and I will actually have to sit down and discuss it.  Go through out current apartment, our potential apartments and determine exactly what we need and want that maybe we would otherwise never actually spend money on.  Sure, I'd never buy a cute turtle shower curtain with my own money no matter how much I liked the idea (that, in my mind, is somehow a waste of money) so maybe that is the perfect gift to ask Aunt Sally to purchase for me.  Maybe I need to look at it that way.  What do I want that I would never actually be able to justify spending my money on?  I suppose that is what a gift is all about....

Looking back

As I stepped out of my car the comforting warmth of the moonless night came over.   It was late and most people were already in bed fast asleep.  Luckily I'm a night owl and the darkness of night never really had the same affect on me that it tends to have on others.  A soft, gentle breeze caresses my uncovered skin with it's cool touch.  It's the kind of night that serves as the perfect night for a midnight picnic or walk or campfire.  Memories of such nights spring briefly to my mind before fading back into its recesses.  It's a short walk to my apartment door and the lamplight illuminates the lock just enough for me to place my key in and unlock the door.

Dave, who was sitting at his computer, gets up and greets me with a bear hug.  We haven't seen or really talked to each other all day but it's no longer necessary to maintain the loving connection we share.  The heaviness of his demeanor and the subtle slur of his words tell me that he's very tired from another extra long day at work.  If he didn't find such enjoyment in his work, I would ask him about a career change but I know that it's more him putting in the hours to make sure what he's working on is done correctly than it is his job pressuring him.  I long to find that feeling in relation to my job but it hasn't happened quite yet.  My job isn't the most horrible place to work and at times, like tonight, it's not too bad at all despite the difficult calls that came in at the beginning.

Within the next hour, I convince him to come to bed. I'm not tired but I want to cuddle and our couch isn't quite long enough.  Plus, he desperately needs his sleep.  Our bed was by far one of the best purchases he and I decided to spend our money on.  Immediately after lying down, I feel much of the tension within me relax.  As I turn on my side (my favorite resting position), he brings himself next to me and wraps his arms around me.  I don't have to fall asleep right now but laying in this position I close my eyes.  Our room is dark and quiet; even our upstairs neighbors, who are notorious for making lots of unintentional noise, have settled in.  Minutes pass and it's at this time I tend to reflect most upon my day, week, month, or just life in general.

Sometimes these thoughts aren't the most pleasant.  Every now and then I go back to a time when being in someone else's arms was the last place I wanted to be but couldn't get away from.  Those memories tend to stir up anger and resentment at him, at myself, at life.  Why did that have to happen?  Most of the time, I find myself humoring impossibilities.  During these moments I go back in time, change my decisions.  I wonder what I would have done differently if I knew that I would be marrying someone I loved deeply in a mere ten years.  Would I have allowed myself to put up with so much?

I feel Dave shift next to me and I roll over placing my head on his chest.  He gives me a tight squeeze and a gentle kiss on the forehead.  Every sleeping position is comfortable with him.  I can feel the sweet contentment in my stomach.  This was something I couldn't have predicted so many years ago.  Listening to the rhythmic beat of his heat and the slowing of his breath, I can't help but smile.  I don't know why I had to endure what I did all those years ago but I can't deny that what happened had an effect on all subsequent decisions and if that's what I needed to go through to bring me into Dave's arms I can honestly say that it was all worth it.

I write like I actually know what I'm talking about when I really don't have a clue.

Instead of writing words, sometimes I wish I could compose music.  Aside from the super tiny bit I learned about music from singing throughout high school, I don't have any training at all.  On a good day, I might be able to read the treble clef the way a second grader would try and piece together the words of Jane Austen.  There were a couple of times I sat down at the piano and tried to take a lesson or two but when it came to practicing, I was never any good as I was too unwilling to listen to the discordance most often heard during a practice session.  Unlike my mother and my sister, I never quite had the ear and always had a difficult time with intonation.

More than that, however, what captivated me for years weren't the "rock bands" of pop, indie, punk, heavy metal, and other popular genres most adolescents tend to gravitate towards.  I loved symphonies, orchestras, and instrumentals.  While others were listening to Dave Matthews, Green Day, or Weezer I spent hours immersed in Broadway show-tunes or the soundtracks from movies like Titantic, Lord of the Rings, and Pirate of the Caribbean.  It wasn't until I met Dave that I went to my very first concert; I was 24 years old.  Even now, I've only been to two in total.  For me, I enjoyed musicals.  I loved the live music and listening to the orchestra warm up was one of my favorite things.  If I could, I would sneak down to the front of the stage, peer over, and watch them as they gracefully played the strings of their violins and cellos or ran up and down the scales on their horns.  

I loved the complexity within all those different instruments all playing together.  Like I said, I know very little about music but composing the scores for musicals and movies seemed far more fascinating and difficult than the music created with a couple of guitars, drums, and maybe a keyboard.  For years, I found the guitar to be a very underwhelming instrument that anyone who wanted to be a "musician" picked up.  Although some were really decent at it, very few knew how to read music.  Of course, according to my young, super-judgmental mind that meant they weren't actually "musicians."  Instruments like the French horn, the cello, or the bassoon were far more interesting and rarely learned yet add vast amounts of depth to music.  Those weren't just instruments people picked up and began messing around with.  No, people who learned to play those instruments, studied and learned not only how to read music, but also music theory; they are clearly far more accomplished "musicians."

Of course, I've since realized just how narrow minded my perception was at the time.  There are plenty of guitarist who've played for years, spent hours studying their instrument, and allow their creativity to craft a sound that expresses their soul.  They are no less a skilled musician than Emily Dickinson is a poet.  I've also heard incredible stories of the feelings that are derived from a couple of people getting together with their instruments and end up finding themselves on the same wavelength.  Still, if given the choice I would prefer to be a John Williams or Nobuo Uematsu.  For me, there is still something so much bigger within their compositions.  I feel that in order to compose pieces like that, one must know all instruments and how they sound together.  As awesome as creating music collaboratively must be, I like the idea of taking a sheet of music and writing down notes as easily as I type these words.   

Like I said above, I don't know if any of what I said makes any sort of sense to anyone with actual musical theory.  There is a very good chance that this entire post is filled with errors so if you happen to stumble upon this and know what you are talking about, please don't judge.  Though, definitely send me a message so I can maybe learn something from you.  Hitting publish on a post like this is really difficult because I don't know what I'm talking about at all.  I feel like I've just written an article about medicine and used the wrong names and descriptions for everything.   All well, I'm not about to write another post all together to prevent posting this.  Please don't hate on me people!

Waste of time

Tonight, I'm writing before feeling like I'm about to pass out.  Honestly, I don't really have anything to say but I figure I'll just see where it takes me.  It's nights like tonight and last night when I wonder why anyone bothers reading this blog.  Not that I don't appreciate it but there were so many days over the year so far where I've just babbled on about nothing.  There are so many times, like tonight, when I have one of those "I don't have anything to say" moments.  

It's the reason why I don't use Twitter all that often or at all really.  There's a part of me that feels a little behind the social media times but I just don't get it.  Even on those occasions that I do use it, I can't help but feel like "who really cares."  It's similar to how I feel right now.  I just don't feel like I have anything to say and therefore am super reluctant to write anything.  Almost like it's unfair to those few who read this to have to waste their time  (even if it's only mere moments).   Even though, I try to remember that I write this blog for me, I still can't help but feel like it's silly knowing that tomorrow morning some dear friends are going to begin to read this.  All I can say is I'm sorry and I hope something of more substance will appear within the next couple of days.  

Aggravated

Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I wait until the very last possible moment to begin writing?  I don't begin once I start feeling tired but instead put it off until I feel like I can hardly keep my eyes open and all thoughts have disappeared from my mind.  I'm so exhausted that I'm now just angry at myself for being unable to type out any kinds coherent sentences.  Honestly, I've been in a funk all day.  I woke up irritated and anxious but couldn't figure out why.  So I began doing what I always do, began crunching numbers.  Why that seems to help, I don't know.  

When Dave got home from work, we went on a wild goose chase because I forced him to humor my most recent idea.  He humored me of course but by the time I got home I felt defeated and foolish.  In the end, it turned out to be a waste of time and we're back to square one.  Of course, I then tried to seek out alternatives which only left me more discouraged because life is ridiculously expensive.  Dave and I tried to research different wireless cell phone plans and they are such a robbery and it only infuriated me more.  Now, I'm just sitting here angry trying to type some sort of nonsense so I can say that I wrote for the night.  But does this kind of writing even freaking count?  Probably not, but they are words.  

Now I'm going to finish my episode of Law and Order and go to grumpily to bed.   

Cagefighting?

Since I've come home from work Dave and I watched World Extreme Cagefighting.  Honestly, I actually enjoyed watching it.  I'm not one for wrestling or boxing but this was different.  You don't know what expect from the fighters; it's impossible to anticipate the types of kicks or knee jabs or choke holds.  More than anything though, I really appreciated the respect that the individual fighters have for their opponents.  Even the matches filled with long held grudges, the men are very respectful of one another.  Maybe it's due to the fact that just about any kind of hit or kick is fair game but I didn't get the sense that any of them delivered cheap shots.  There was none of the bravado and posturing that you see in wrestling.  No one tries to make this seem like the most dramatic event on television; the fighting speaks for itself.  

Seems like I'm consistently surprising myself recently.  Between actually entertaining this notion of being a banker recently and watching Cagefighting, I hardly recognize myself.  I've known for a while that I didn't feel like I knew who I was or what I wanted but these small discoveries in my interests have me questioning if I've ever known.  Of course, everyone undoubtedly feels entirely different from the person they were in high school but I feel like if I were given description of different "adult women" explaining personality traits and interests and asked to choose which one I thought would describe me at 26, I never would have chosen the me I am now.  Wow, another convoluted sentence from me.  I really should try to write when I'm more awake.  All these recent personal revelations have me wondering what kind of woman I will actually be in another ten years.  I really hope I like her.

Money and Creativity

Once again, I've found some solace and hope in working out my finances for the past month.  Every time I realize this, I'm always surprised.  I have this idea that I'm supposed to find enjoyment participating in more creative and artistic endeavors.  Of course, I do get a feeling unlike anything other when I do produce something creative but I often feel intimidated and limited by my pursuits.  Even looking at more visionary and artistic websites and blogs is overwhelming at times.  I find myself wanting to be them rather than actually get inspired to create my own pieces.  Looking at what others write or create, I feel like it's something I can only dream about doing.

With personal finance, I feel like the more I learn the more I can actually implement.  That and I can do so much of it without thinking really.  I set up some automatic savings or spend just a few minutes and just watch things grow.  Let's be honest, there's a reason why working with numbers are viewed as less than creative.  It is easier to see the final outcome of a potential new plan or project.  There's is something inspiring about being able to see what you may be able to save or achieve and then implementing it.  I'm also inspired to learn so much more.  So much so that I'm actually considering working at a bank in the hopes of learning about long term loans.  Being in the short term and small loans of credit cards, I'm interested in learning more about personal loans or home loans.  Eventually, I'd also really like to learn a lot more about investment options.

Also, being thrifty inspires all types of creativity. It's an area of my life I'd really like to grow and learn more about.  I just never expected me to end up on this track.

Neighborhood dreams, Ballpark disappointment, and Parking Lot rage

Finally, we had half a day of sunshine today!  My word, we needed it!  When we went to pick up our table the other day on Craigslist, we drove through Davis Square in Somerville.  Despite it being gray, dreary, and rainy Dave and I really liked it.  We're hoping to get a different apartment for next year so we're keeping our eyes open for some locations.  This afternoon we decided to drive back and walk around.  The perfect weather made us love it all the more.  What funny is that as we were saying, "I wonder how we can find a place near here" we walked by a house and I recognized an old friend.  He was chilling on the porch of one of his friends who just happens to live in the same area.  We got to talking and when we left Dave and I had both decided that we "belonged" there.  Of course, we got home and checked out apartments on craigslist.  So far, we haven't found many rents that "belong" in our budget.

Afterward, we met up with my parents and went to the Sox/Cubs game.  It was the first time the two teams played in Fenway since 1918 and they all had their throwback uniforms on.  Honestly, I have to say I like the old uniforms as they are actually wearing red socks.   I also must admit, I've been to a number of games before and there were quite a number of Cubs fans.  In fact, our row seemed to house the only Red Sox fans in our section. For the most part the game was a good time, or it had been until Terry Francona decided he didn't want to be a manager anymore during the 8th inning and the Cubs scored 8 runs.  Yeah, then we were super upset and left before we had to listen to the incredibly happy Cub fans singing, Sweet Caroline.

Luckily, Dave totally made up for it when he went into a crazy rage in the parking garage.  Seriously, I don't know what it is with him and parking garages but they must make him super irritable.  Anyway, the levels of the garage were labeled P1-P5.  We were on P2 and needed to go down to P1 where our car was parked.  Somewhere along the way, Dave got confused and thought that we were insisting that P2 was the ground floor.  He kept asking, "This is the ground floor?"  The thing was my mom, dad, and myself all heard, "This is the ground floor"  and kept trying to say, "we're on P2 and we need to go down to P1."   As a result of not answering his question and his thinking that we weren't paying attention to him, he started to get more agitated.  Of course, this caused me to start laughing because what a silly thing to get worked up about which made him even more upset and caused him to flip out.  He literally (I know I use that word liberally, but really literally) started screaming, "Where is the ground? WHERE IS THE GROUND?" while making large hand gestures to the sign on next to the elevator.  My laughing became a giant roar as I realized that this unassuming couple was walking into the elevator with us (he had the composure to hold the door open for them).  Why they wanted to come into the same elevator with the crazy person, I don't know.  I hope that my mother and my laughing made them think it was a joke.

By the time the elevator doors had closed he had calmed down to a normal person again.  His rage had ended but he was still quite upset.  We discussed it in the car and it became another funny memory.  Really, he is one of the most good natured people until those random and rare moments that cause a Dave rage.  Even then, they are normally short-lived (no more than a minute or two) but I can imagine they are intense to anyone who doesn't actually know him.   So far, both times he's done it have ended with me laughing but I doubt I'll find it so funny when someone takes offense to it and decks him in the face.

Always having a title is overrated

I'm having a moment (a rather underwhelming moment, but a moment all the same).  Dave and I watched a Frontline episode on how the internet has influenced the lives of middle school and high school students.  It was interesting and there are a lot of aspects and topics presented that I would like to address with my own personal opinions but feel like it's become far too late and I'm too tired to actually do so.  Apparently, I consider this completely common occurrence a "moment."  Where do I get these words?  I suppose that's what happens when your finger type the random thoughts of your brain without actually evaluating them.  Maybe, once this year is over I'll tab the entries where I do this so I can write a more articulate, well thought out post later.  Something tells me I've said this already on this blog but overall redundancy is bound to when one insists on writing daily.  

This morning I met with the wise woman again and marvel at the fact that for the first time since I started seeing her I felt somewhat normal again.  I kept telling her that I felt like I was wasting a session because I should be delving deep and cleaning my soul of anguish.  Okay I really didn't say it quite that dramatically but it was in a similar vain.  What surprised me was how many personal insights I had just by discussing how life felt normal again.  She picked up on my positive thought patterns of the week and emphasized them.  It was illuminating without there having to be any tears.  A pleasant surprise really; a "nice reprieve" as she called it.  Also, I found out today that she actually has two little boys.  How did it go over a year without my ever learning that?  It seems so entirely selfish.  I go in and whine and complain about my compulsive negative thoughts and I don't have the slightly inkling that she has two children?  When I mentioned this to her, she explained that it was one of the reasons therapy is so effective.  If I knew about her life as intimately as she knows about mine, some of that objectivity would be lost.  

It's strange because there's that part of me who would like to consider my relationship with her to be a "friendship" but it's really nothing of the sort.  Friendship implies a mutual sharing between two people and that doesn't exist in our relationship.  In so many ways, it's really a far more personal doctor/patient relationship.  There's a part of me that's always known this but something about learning about her children today just made it so much more real or perhaps undeniable.  In a way, I'm okay with that.  Like she said, that is why it works so well and why it's considered to be a breach of ethics to psychoanalyze your friends if you get the degree. Still there's a part of me that doesn't like it; as if I fully accept this relationship for what it is, I'm willing participating in an entirely selfish action.  Sure, I have a lot of selfish actions but I don't think I've been so conscious of it and not want to change it before. It's times like this when I need to remember that it is for this precise reason that before every session I write her a check.  

Friends and Conversation

Tonight we met up with some friends at the Friendly Toast in Portsmouth, NH.  It's the cutest breakfast dinner entirely adorned with fabulous retro aesthetic and the food is great.  This little joint also happens to be a wonderful midpoint between us and these friends.  Every so often, I encounter a person or a couple who you just wish you could see more of because there's such an easygoing connection and vibe.  Our interaction kind of reminds me of those families that would come together and the men would go off and to do their thing while the women sit and chat up a storm.  There are some other couples where the men get along great but it takes longer for the women to make that connection and vice versa.   I just love it when it all comes so naturally.

Anyway, while at dinner there were almost always two totally separate conversations going on at our little table and something about that just made me feel really happy inside.  It might make me a little strange but that's never been something I've tried to deny.  While Kate and I were talking, she mentioned how she wakes up every morning and does a combination of yoga and pilates.  When she first described it, she broke it down her morning for me.  If she has to be at work by 10, she'll wake up at 7:30.  She spends the first hour motivating herself to do it and eventually begins with meditating for ten minutes which leads into some yoga and pilates exercises.  What really struck me was that emphasized how centered it makes her feel and that if she misses a day or so, she'll become anxious and tense.

I asked if she found meditating naturally easy.  I've tried it a number of times and find that I fail horribly because my mind just never turns off.   Luckily, she said that it didn't come easily at first for her either and that over time she found that it became easier.  Something about the way she talked about it was inspiring.  I've read about it over and over and it's been recommended to me by not only my wise woman of therapy but various others.  However, today it just really hit me in a different way.  Maybe it was because she said that she only does it for ten minutes and that seems reasonable to me.

Of course, she chooses the mornings because that's when she feels more focused in general.  I've read that most women are early birds whereas men tend to be night owls but Dave and I must be the exceptions.  Sure Dave will stay up late and I can get up early but it doesn't feel natural.  For whatever reason, I find that I'm better in the evenings and I honestly don't know why.  My mind tells me that mornings would be far more beneficial to my health and yet I still find myself sleeping completely through them and feeling more awake as the evening progresses.  Kate mentioned that mornings are what works for her and that I just need to find my time of the day but I feel like that's a constant battle for me.

Who knows, maybe I'll figure it out at some point.

Sleeping late and productivity

So I slept super late again and was totally bummed by the time Dave got home from work.  I felt lazy and completely unproductive as I sat on my couch watching, Say Yes to the Dress.  I barely even like that show.  Earlier this morning, I awoke before Dave utterly exhausted but was only able to fall asleep again just after he left for work.  Personally I think that's the reason why I sleep in so late; it's like my body feels the need for another 3 or 4 hour sleep cycle rather than just an extra hour or so.  At least, that seems to be the overwhelming correlation. If I wake up too early then I somehow end up sleeping way late. 

 Noticing how bummed I was Dave came home and we wrestled/snuggled a bit.  No, not in the sexual way but more the way small children do; is that weird?  Anyway, he made a relatively decent argument to my feelings of being lazy and unproductive reminding me that we still had the whole evening and night to do something.  And do something, we did.  First, we went into Allston to take a look at a kitchen table we found and loved on Craiglist. It's almost identical to this:

                           

The major difference is that the top and the center drawer bit are painted black on ours.  That and rather than there being three drawers in the center, there's one on the top and then a small door that opens underneath.  Now, the table shown above can be purchased at IKEA for $179.00.  In fact, Dave and I were seriously considering buying it along with some other furniture.  I've actually driven down to take a look at this exact table multiple times.  We don't have a kitchen table originally because we thought it wouldn't fit in our tiny apartment but I missed having one too much.  However, paying $179.00 was not something I particularly wanted to do.   Instead, we paid $40 for the one we got today and we got two chairs to go along with it.  Sure it has some small signs of wear but aside from that it's perfect.  Plus, it's got wheels making it super easy to move into place!  Needless to say, I've been converted to Craigslist.

Before we brought it home, we stopped at the grocery store and put my shopping list to work.  We even bought a couple of extra items and only went $19 over our original budget.  Once all of it was in the apartment though, I fell again into an unhappy place.  The table didn't quite work where I thought it would and I was super bummed.  So the two of us began apartment working again.  Dave brought home a table from his work that we were hoping to maybe use as a replacement desk, however putting it together proved to be quite a cumbersome ordeal.  When we finally managed it we realized that we hated it, took it apart, and place it outside near our trash.  Hopefully one of our fellow apartmenters will pick it up like they did with our filing cabinet.

With the table now out, I decide that the desk that we had would just have to do.  But I didn't particularly like that it seemed overloaded with both Dave's and my computers.  We had the monitors as well as the actually computers on top of it and it just seemed totally cluttered.  Our arrangement didn't really give us the option to place them on the floor in Dave's standards.  So, once again at almost 11pm we decided it was time to rearrange our furniture (seriously, thank god we live on the bottom floor).  We unhooked both computers and began moving things around.  Our final arrangement is so much better and it gave us a place to put our printer and the new table we brought home.  Dave also let me hook up both computers and the printer making me feel less helpless when it comes to all things technical.

You would think that with our new layout nicely settled and it being just after midnight, I'd be satisfied enough to go to bed but I totally wasn't.  I had originally intended to make some staple dishes when we got home and I wasn't going to bed without them.  Dave and I have this horrible tendency to buy food with the intentions of doing something with it but then we don't result in the food going bad and us having to throw it away.  I am determined not to let that happen again.  In the end, I made Dave cut the watermelon and place the small bits into a container while I baked the cake for the truffle and cook the pasta for the pasta salad.  Then we combined our forces slicing and dicing the fruits and vegetables for each.  Now, we have a large pasta salad, watermelon bit, and a fruit and cake truffle in the fridge ready to be eaten.

All and all, it ended up being a very productive day.

Grocery Lists

Oh my, I feel utterly exhausted.  Overall, I had a pretty productive day.  After waking up at a reasonable hour, I exercised on my Wii Fit for an hour while watching the Survivor Season Finale on hulu.com (I haven't watched it since the first season and somehow I got caught this season) and doing a load of laundry.  At 12:30 I left for work and worked for an eight hour shift until 9pm.  I can't even tell you how much of a difference those two hours make at the end of the night.  When I got home, I continued to compose a grocery shopping (something I've been working on for the past couple of days) and I think I've finalized it.

Honestly, I've never quite realized how difficult actually creating a shopping list and trying to determine where the best deals.  Looking through the weekly circulars, I've tried to choose foods that are currently on sale while at the same time know that I can actually cook/make something I'll eat with those foods.  Dave allowed me to go into his bank statement and calculated just how much money we spent of food from April 13 to May 13.  Can I tell you, we spent way too much money in that month on food.  We went out to eat way too many times and wasted the food that we did purchase.  As of right now, our kitchen cabinets have very little in them and we need to restock.

Knowing this, I really tried to put together something that was economical, healthy, and appetizing.  It just took so long... I can totally understand why I haven't done this more often.   Of course, there is that knowledge that the more you do it the easier it gets but I feel mentally drained and I haven't even stepped into the grocery store. Honestly, I was hoping to get much of our produce from Farmers Markets but unless I go into Boston, most around here aren't open until next week.  So ideally, I'll go to one next week when they are open.  Alright, I'm tired.

Grr, I'm angry

You know what I really dislike?  I hate that what's bothering me now, I can't talk about.  Dave and I had a fight and I don't approve of discussing things like this as I find it downright disrespectful.  Shouldn't surprise me, we had a great night last night so clearly I'm going through my "being pissy for no reason" phase that I've been told I go through after a good experience (no, not by Dave).  Maybe I am just "being pissy" but I personally feel like I'm upset about something legitimate. 

I hate that I'm not able to talk about it because it's something that's happened in all my relationship or rather it affects the same part of the relationships in all my relationships.  Yes, that's a convoluted sentence but I don't particularly care.  I'm angry and I don't care about my typing right now.  It just makes me want to carve this piece of a relationship out and not have to deal with it at all anymore.  Like taking the bacon out of the BLT because I've decided to go vegetarian.  Sadly, without the bacon one can't really call it a BLT anymore.  

So yeah, I'm just upset right now because there's nothing I can really do about it.  It's just something I have to accept.  Just as he has to accept the fact that I'm dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and may be an emotional nutcase from time to time if he wants to marry me.  No one ever said that we were perfect as people so this is just one of those imperfections.  I may have to accept it but I certainly don't have to continue writing anymore right now. 

A work-free evening

Dave and I had a really nice night together.  It makes me wish I had my nights off and weekends free again.  It's amazing what you can do when you have a good chunk of time to spend together.  Working at night has it's perks (it's a tad less busy and you aren't surrounded by management all day); however, it's got some significant downsides like the fact that I arrive home when others are just about to go to bed.  Dave and I discussed it a bit today actually; how by the time I normally come home he's completely exhausted and ready for bed.  It's hardly the time for us to sit together and talk or do anything.  His sleepiness makes him more grumpy and then I get irritated because he keeps snapping at me when I'm just trying to tell him about my day.

Today we had ample time to actually enjoy each other's company.  In addition, we actually cleaned a good bit of our apartment.  Upon walking in from work, I was hit with the most horrible odor coming from somewhere inside.  It was terrible, like super stinky feet.  Needless to say, it totally got me cleaning.   I was practically gagging from the smell and though we still haven't figured out it's source, we've aired out the place and masked it with far more pleasant aromas.  I'm hoping that once we fully attack the place and give every part a solid scrub down, we'll be rid of whatever it was for good.  Gosh, talk about embarrassing!  I'm so glad I wasn't bringing company over.

After our cleaning frenzy, we decided to go out and see a movie and ended up having dinner too.   We saw the movie, Priest.  Going into it, we really weren't expecting much.  We figured it would be just another vampire versus a slayer type thing and we set our expectations rather low.  Perhaps it was due to our level of expectation but we both really enjoyed it.  Almost every aspect of it, in fact.  I'm not particularly in the mood to discuss what exactly I found appealing about it but I'm adding it to my nonexistent list of movies I would definitely watch multiple times.  After the movie, we went to UNO's, a restaurant that has recently become one of our favorites, and just discussed it wholeheartedly.  Due to the Catholic themes, we also talked a bit about Catholicism (the religion I was brought up in) and what I liked/disliked about it.

It's amazing.  Despite working eight hours on Sunday (my longest shift of the week) by the end of the night it's furthest from my mind.  I like it that way.

Moodiness

I must be a week before getting my period.  My moods have been all over the place and by that I mean, I've been swinging from normal to depressed.  Earlier this evening, I quite literally collapsed on my bed completely frustrated from how uncomfortable my body felt.  In the end, I demanded that Dave give me a massage even agreeing to play video games for every hour it took for him to become a certified masseuse. Really, it doesn't get much worse than this.  Luckily for me, Dave is a great guy and rolled with the punches and gave me the massage I needed whether he wanted to or not.

He doesn't believe me when I say that it made all the difference in the world but it totally did.  By the time I ventured back out into the living room, I didn't feel as depressed at all.  Now, I feel back to normal which tells me that I must be hormonal.  Really the emotions over the past couple of days have been ridiculous.  I don't particularly like to blame it on hormones but sometimes one can't help it.  I just go from feeling okay to feeling overwhelmed and depressed in seconds flat.  Thank goodness for Dave and for my best friend who send me a link that made me super happy.

On the more positive side of things, I did a lot of writing today for the website though it makes writing for the blog a bit more cumbersome.  At least the majority of that is almost done.  We have a deadline for 2:30 tomorrow which is before I get home from work.  Why Dave chose that arbitrary time to have the site up is unknown to me but he has a countdown going and everything (as if people are just waiting to read about our love).  The only part left for me to write is the proposal piece.  Dave spent today slaving over the site as well.  Honestly, this website has been our biggest albatross during this wedding process thus far.  Soon though, this piece will be basically done.  We'll just have to handle the registry piece and do some touch ups on it but hopefully by tomorrow it will all be finished.  

Difficult days

Today was a tough day and I'm not too sure how much I want to discuss it.  It culminated in a massive sinus headache that caused me to throw up multiple times.  Needless to say, I had to call in to work which I really hate doing.  Even though I'm not the biggest fan of my job, I take my work seriously and I hate anytime I can't make it in.  It reflects badly on me as an employee and that bothers me.  Sure, even when I have the most legitimate excuse, I can't escape the guilt of not being able to make it in.  What made it worse today was that we were already short staffed because Leah's son had to have surgery to get his adenoids out.  Part of me wishes I had mine out because then maybe I wouldn't get such vicious sinus headaches, something that's plague me for as long as I can remember.  

I don't know exactly what time my post from last night got posted today.  I really did write before I went to bed but blogger was in maintenance so I couldn't post it.  Even this morning, it was still down.  I got a couple of text messages with lovely friends wondering if I'm okay and I just want to let you know that I am.  Sorry if I worried anyone.  Since calling in, I've slept a bit and my headache was able to subside and I was able to get down a little bit of food though I'm still feeling super exhausted mentally and physically.  My body feels weighted down and I feel myself longing for another massage.  I have one next Thursday, so I just need to make it until then.

I've been reading this book my mother's coworker loaned to me called, Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss.  She's a medical intuitive who can read the energy of people who have come down with a physical or mental illnesses and determine what in their life might have got them there.  According to her, our spirit remembers every positive and negative thought or actions and is influenced by it.  Over time, if there are too many negative influences it can quite literally manifest on the physical body.  Honestly, I don't exactly know how much of that I buy but she mentioned that if one is sleeping for extended periods of time, something is depleting your spiritual energy.  I definitely believe that and when I mentioned this to my therapist, she actually asked if I had every heard about Reiki.  I guess, she went for some training to be able to do Reiki and her teacher is quite literally down the street from where I live.

I'll be honest; right now I feel like I'm doing everything I can so far.  I'm diligently taking my medications, going to my weekly therapy sessions, and trying to exercise more often.  Still, something seems to be lacking.  Yes, I am making progress and I know that I can't rush what I'm going through but  I'm not opposed to trying out some more holistic remedies either.  When I had my cards read a couple of weeks ago, she was right on and it gave me some hope.  I'm hoping that maybe this Reiki person could also see something more within me and possibly get my energy flowing in a more healthy pattern.  I've also heard that acupuncture works wonders too but that seems super intimidating to me so I don't know.

Above all, tonight has redoubled my efforts to get through this craziness in my life.

A Post!

For the first time this year, Blogger is undergoing maintenance at the same time I want to write my post.  It’s not all that upsetting as well, websites are known to do that from time to time.  Perhaps this is because Dave and I took down our wedding website due to the fact that everyone got their Save the Dates a full day earlier than expected.  Thank you Katie for the text or everyone would have been directed to the “Zoom, zoom bride and groom” poem that Alli wrote for us.  Not that it’s a bad poem because it makes me giggle every time I read it; however, I doubt many of my relatives will find it as fun when they are coming to read about Dave and me. 

Also, I’d like to apologize again to Jamie for well, cutting our evening short.  I really would have loved to go to the mall or shopping wherever but my procrastination got the best of me.  Sorry about that.  On the plus side, Dave doesn’t seem all that upset with me anymore.  When I called him to take it down, he got a bit bent out of shape. He’s worked incredibly hard on it the past few weeks and I think he was really excited to showcase it.  But as wonderful as what he’s done with Alli’s base design, it is still missing a lot of content and that’s an important piece. 

I will admit, when I got home we didn’t get too much done as far as writing the content goes.  What we did do was spend the much needed time discussing our or rather my personal worries and anticipations.  In many ways, I’m glad we got to focus on that as it will make the writing aspect so much easier without those weighing on me.  So what exactly am I worried about, you wonder?  Or maybe you don’t wonder as most of you know that I have commitment issues.  I haven’t got a clue where they came from as my parental role models have been married for 30+ years now and had dated for 8 or 9 prior to marrying.  No commitment issues there.

I guess a large part of it has to do with the simple knowledge that an extremely high percentage of marriages fail.  Most people going to married life are overjoyed and full of hope.  They never go into it thinking, “man, I’m going to hate him in five years.”   Not that I’m saying that I’m going to hate Dave in five years but again, no one would get married if they truly believed that.  How does a couple go from being so happy together that they can stand before their friends and family and shell out thousands of dollars to declare the love and promise their devotion to each other to needing lawyers to help them divide everything up during their divorce proceedings?  Really, how does that happen and how do I know that won’t happen with us. 

Sadly, Dave couldn’t provide anything but a truly honest answer, “we don’t know.   Nothing is certain and anything is possible but I feel like people resort to divorce too easily today.”  I can’t disagree with him.  I feel like marriage today is like “go steady” was all those years ago.  People aren’t really promising their love until death does them part but rather until it gets too difficult, complicated, and inconvenient or until someone better comes around.  Of course, there are certain situations when a divorce is absolutely necessary for the wellbeing of one or both individuals and every person has different threshold of tolerance but somehow I doubt that this is the reason the divorce rate sky-rocketed. 

I know it seems weird to be thinking already about divorce but how can one not when they are only a few months away from marrying?  How does one not think about the fact that they are jumping into their own boat on a river filled with countless others knowing that at least half of them won’t make it downstream?  It’s scary.  I can’t imagine my life without Dave, nor do I want to but it doesn’t change the statistics.  What do we have that all those other newly married couples don’t?  I get that “what ifs” thoughts like these as considered “castrophizing” by many psychologists and is generally frowned upon in situations like this.  There’s really nothing we can do to guarantee our success because life has a way of throwing unexpected curveballs from all angles.  All we can do is promise each other that we are going to commit to working at it and doing everything we can to salvage our small boat to prevent it from sinking when the waters get rough and visibility becomes poor. 

It’s little consolation but somehow far more comforting than, “Don’t worry about it cutie.  We’re not like other couples; we won’t fail.  We love each other too much.”  Sure it may sound good but we both know that sounds more like a denial of the possibility than anything else.  Maybe another woman would find those words more consoling but not this one.  Luckily for me, I have a man who also thinks the same way I do and would never move forward blindly without serious thought to the potential emotional waves that may attempt to tip or sink us.  

Bleh

It's only 10pm but I'm already exhausted and I'm just in a mood.  Who knows what my problem is?  I had a decent day but I'm just eh.  All I know that I don't want to write this post right now.  There's just nothing that I want to say because I'm just so not in the mood.  Maybe it's just stress; I don't really know.  There is a lot on my plate at the moment.  I hate these moments when I'm just so out of sorts.  

Honestly, this is will not be a long entry tonight.  Yes, I know I've written this before and then gone on and on about something or other.  But yeah, I just feel depressed and I don't know why.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I feel slightly detached from Dave recently.  Between my working late nights and his work stress plus the wedding and the apartment stress I think we're beginning to feel it.  We keep snipping at each other and I feel like I'm closing down.  So I just don't know.  Maybe it will fine tomorrow.  Maybe this is just the stress and exhaustion setting in.  

Yeah that's totally enough for tonight.  Sorry guys.

More on work and sleep

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing battle against myself.  I do so much self-sabotaging; it's a wonder how I've gotten this far.  For example, I had a list of things to do today and woke up nice and early ready to do them.  Then, however, I somehow ended up falling back asleep and slept in way too late again.  When I finally awoke, I sat for a while irritated, disappointed, and depressed that I somehow wasted another day. In college, I would've dreamed of days that I could've slept through and now they happen so frequently that it's even more bothersome.

There are so many things I'm trying to accomplish and I feel pulled in so many different directions.  My sleeping in all day most days isn't helping matters.  If anything it's making things worse rather than better. Another Monday and Tuesday have come and gone with little to show for it.  I'm not worried about the next two days.  On the days when I don't have to work, I seem to function just fine.  I wake up, eat healthier, more frequent meals, exercise more than enough, and actually accomplish many of my tasks before 5pm which is normally when I'd have to be at work.  Why exactly do I find myself unable to do these things the rest of the week?  It's obnoxious and I'm not a fan.

Could it be that I unconsciously view my work as something that I quite literally need all my strength for?  Sure, it's not the most glamorous profession but it's like all of a sudden I find myself fretting and needing to feel "prepared."  Maybe it's the new trainer who they hired (instead of me) to listen in on all our calls.  In my last review, I had to listen to them all and got a decent lecture on the ones that weren't up to snuff.  Not that my experience was any different from anyone else's but I think I allowed it to affect me in a way.   Of course, I'm not saying that I am the perfect customer service rep but I think there are far better ways to help us learn to handle the more difficult calls.

For example, bringing us into a conference room where we listened to the calls that were handled well and discussing what the rep did during the call that made it go so well would have been a better beginning.  Yes, I get that I was trained as a teacher but I didn't realize how little "modeling" is done in the real world.  Instead, people talk at you and then tell you, "okay go do it and we're going to listen in and keep a record of your mistakes because we want you to improve."  Children don't learn that way and neither do adults.  You don't tell kids how to do a math problem but you show them.  You don't tell kids, "I want you to draw a picture with this, this, this, and this without showing some sort of example."  Adults learn the same way and I don't understand why that concept is so difficult for people to understand.

Regardless, that is not how things are being done at work currently.  We know that every call we take could be the call that we get "coached" on.  It adds this sort of pressure to make every call perfect because you know that out of all your "correct" calls, they are going to choose the ones that you already know are terrible.  There's also this rumor that she's going to place us on teams and have us compete against each other to see who scores the highest in our call ratings.  Really, the last thing I want to do is compete with my colleagues.  In fact, one of the things I love about my job is how there's such a team atmosphere in my office.  I really don't want that to change.  Add to that the constant changing of procedures and growing list of instructions, it's become kind of absurd.

So perhaps this is why I choose to sleep in all day during my work days because I somehow feel like I can't handle the job if I don't.  This of course makes me want to punch myself because seriously, it's taking calls and dealing with a bit of criticism.  It's nothing that I haven't dealt with before.  Perhaps it's the bitterness that the person they hired to do this job really has no clue what we do and has never actually answered any of our calls but somehow is considered qualified to "train" those of us who have been doing this for years at this point.  It just seems a little backward but then maybe walking and working backwards is the way of corporate life.  Listening to others' stories, they don't sound all that different.

Real and Imaginary

You know what's weird? On the days that I sleep super late, I tend to get tired earlier than usual.  It's seems counter intuitive.  I'm sure there's some scientific experiment that would explain why that is but it's just strange.  Honestly, I'd love to share just how late I slept but it's downright embarrassing so I refuse.  Maybe it has to do with biorhythms or something.  Seriously, I have no idea what I'm talking about so don't mind me.

On a totally different note, I really don't know what to say today.  The past week or so I've written very long posts and felt like I could go on forever but tonight, I'm just not in the mood.  Maybe it's because I slept super late and worked but I just feel wordless.  I think part of it is that at the moment, I'd rather be doing something else like living in my head for a bit.  Since I've left work, I've concocted an "ideal life" and by life I mean career.  No, it's not something to be shared because it's painted with long brush strokes of idealism. I guess, that's why I would consider it to be an "ideal" life.  Way to be redundant, Denise.  It's strange, I find that in certain moments I am completely in tune with the realities of my day to day life.  Then there are other times that I disappear into my imaginary world where I'm super beautiful, talented, and successful in both my relationship and career.

I suppose that's not all that odd.  At least many of my "hero/warrior" fantasies tend to be slowing down.  When I explain how sometimes I imagine that I'm some kind of superhero to my therapist, she seemed to think it was entirely normal.  Yes, I do imagine I'm a superhero with superpowers and everything (like a sort of indestructible being) at the ripe age of 26.  For a long time I was too embarrassed to admit that to anyone aside from Dave.  Even admitting to my therapist made me feel like I was strange.  She told me that it was natural that I would create an imaginary indestructible warrior kind of self in my head because of the abuse and whatnot.  When I look back, I don't remember having that type of fantasy before that relationship began.  Most of the time, my fantasies were about how I was super pretty or an amazing figure skater or super organized-- a better overall version of my human self.  It wasn't until that relationship that I fell back into the childhood fantasies of having magical, superhuman powers.

Of course, I don't know how accurate any of that is.  Maybe imagining yourself as "superhuman" isn't as unusual as I originally perceived.  I was so humiliated that I did that it that I never asked anyone else about it.  Maybe everyone still has fantasies like those as an adult.  Maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with the abuse.  Part of me kind of hopes so.  As comforting as it is to be able to look at an aspect of myself and say, "oh that's because I was abused"  I can't possibly believe that everything I do is related to that.  I guess that part of this process is identifying what parts of myself are because there's abuse and what parts of me are just aspects of my personality.  I feel like sometimes I attribute too much to my past.  Like Jamie said, since realizing what's happened after being blind to it for so long I could be overcompensating.  Okay she say that exactly but I think that was the general gist.  Correct me if I'm wrong, love since you read this.

Interesting entry.  Just after I began I realized that I didn't particularly want to discuss my real life and I avoided it in a way I didn't quite expect.  Ah well.  Moving on...

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there!  Sadly, I didn't get to see my mother this Mother's Day because she made plans months ago to go to New York with her sisters not realizing it was actually Mother's Day weekend.  Oddly enough, she's not the only mom I know who actually went to a different state this year.  My best friends mother went down to Florida with friends of hers too.  Honestly, I think it's sort of better than taking mom out to dinner.  I mean, she gets to spend a weekend away with friends.  Actually the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.  Moms take care of their families 365 days a year; do they really need to spend their day with their families.  Mother's Day seems like a day that would be a welcome break from the daily responsibilities of mothering.  What better day to go out with your girlfriends and have a great time.

Sure, over the years the holiday has evolved as the day for all children to show their deep appreciation for their moms but you know what?  Children should show their appreciation more than just one damn day of the year.  Yes, I get that we all probably don't tell our mothers how much we love them and how thankful we are for everything that they've done for us.  For the many sacrifices they may have had to make in order to put us first and raise us to be moderately responsible adults.  I think it's great that my mom, her sisters, my best friend's mom, and her friends when planning to go away for the weekend didn't think, "wait, it's Mother's Day that weekend.  I need to make sure I'm home so I can feel appreciated by my children."   Hopefully the reason that didn't cross their minds is because we actually do make them feel appreciated more than just one day a year.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by what to do for Mother's Day or Father's Day.  I was blessed with two amazing parents who have showered me with loads of love, support, and encouragement throughout my life.  They've worked really hard and made countless sacrifices for both my sister and me and how in the world could I even possibly show my appreciation for everything they've done for me?  With a clever hallmark card and my signature?  It just doesn't even begin to feel like enough.  If I had paid for my mother's entire weekend this weekend and included a relaxing massage for her and her sisters, paid for them to see some Broadway shows, and had them travel on the fancy Boston to New York train rather than the bus, it still wouldn't seem like enough.  What's worse is that I can't even say that I did that.  I'm too broke to give an all expense paid weekend getaway.  Because my mother is awesome, she'll read this and tell that I don't have to do anything like that but really not doing something like that just doesn't seem like enough, does it?

I did speak to my mom twice today over the phone and that was really nice.  She thoroughly enjoyed her weekend away and they had a great time together and that makes me so incredibly happy.  Hopefully she knows just how much my sister and I love her because we spent so many years just taking what she gave us for granted.   Even now, at the adult age of 26 I still feel like she does too much for me and I hardly do anything in return.  I think I always thought that by this age, I'd be able to show her how much I love her in a far better way than a simple card.   I know she reads this every so often so I can only hope that this entry conveys a fraction of my love for her.  Love you lots mom.



Okay, so I know that would be a perfect place to end things but I'm getting married this year and I feel it's important to say how much I enjoyed seeing my future mother in law today.  I'll be honest, going to Kevin's (my future brother in law) for dinner made me extremely anxious.  The last time I saw Dave's mom, the day before Kevin's wedding, Kevin let it slip that Dave and I were both thinking about changing our names to a last name that combines both our individual last names.  His mom saw this as her son choosing to leave his family and was heartbroken and scared.  There was a big fight that left me sobbing and her very upset about it all.  I was devastated by the whole thing.  Dave's mom is an amazing woman and it killed me to think that she looked at me in such a negative light-- like someone who was trying to take her son away from her.  You can't replace mom and I would never even conceive of such a thing but I understand where she's coming from.

Driving down tonight made me more than a little bit anxious.  What if we got into another fight?  What if she really hates me?  Dave hasn't been to see her in months, what if she blames that on me?  However, I really didn't have anything to fear.  As she as we got there she gave each of us a huge hug and told us how happy she was to see us.  We discussed the wedding and she seemed genuinely happy about it and wanted to help.  She even mentioned helping me find or make a veil if I really wanted one.  She commented on my engagement ring and I really began to feel like she truly does care about me and that she is happy that her son has chosen me to be his wife.  It brings tears to my eyes even now just thinking about it.  Family is so incredibly important.  More important than anything really and I'm really overjoy that I could maybe we could have more than a mutual respect for one another out of our love for Dave.  I want so much more than that and tonight between the love I felt from and for both my mom and his, I think I may just be the luckiest girl in the world.

Going for goals

While catching up on my blog reading, I came upon this article that really sat with me.  So much so that I've decided to write about post about.  Why is it so difficult for many of us to actually put in the work to become successful?  We are so quick to make excuses and get angry at others for our inability to get what we want.   Sadly, I know a lot of people who are very much like this.  Pure, raw, natural talent but something about themselves gets in the way.  This happened with me in a very similar way when it came to my teaching.

For years, I insisted that I wanted to be a teacher.  I'd go to the fairs, speak with some principals and human resource personnel for different school districts in the state, and submit my resume.  For me that was "trying."  In reality though, I didn't really make a strong effort to find a job.  I didn't complete the applications, the few applications I did complete I didn't submit, and therefore never got called in to be interviewed.  Had I done the first two steps and I got a call to be interviewed I probably would have chickened out and made up some excuse to not go.

Like Paul, I didn't accept the responsibility for the lack of job prospects.  Sure the economy was tough and many of my friends I graduated with in the same field were having trouble finding job opportunities.  Unlike other states in this country, Massachusetts doesn't have a shortage of teachers.  In fact, during the time that I was "trying" many school districts were in the process of laying off teachers and really weren't looking to hire too many.  Of course, this was my excuse for not getting a job.  It wasn't because I wasn't actually applying for the job, there just weren't the jobs to go for.   Again, like Paul, I ended up contemplating going back to school to get a Master Degree in the field even going to an open house at Lesley University.

Maybe two months later, I finally faced the relatively simple reality.  I could either make a very valid attempt or accept the idea that maybe I didn't want to teach as badly as I originally thought.  I began asking myself why I wasn't going for the jobs.   The answers to these questions were illuminating.  One, I felt that I didn't have the confidence or the skills to be competitive in the field.  I mean, I would be going up against fellow students who didn't fail their first student teaching experience.  Yes, it wasn't entirely my fault but I was I supposed to explain that?  In addition, I came to the realization that I wasn't so sure I even wanted the job.  The first few years of teaching are extremely stressful and I had a lot to prove with a lot at stake.  You can't fail your first year of teaching; if you do, you are not supplying your students with the necessary skills.  In the end, I just realized that I didn't have the confidence in myself to give my students what they deserve from a teacher.

In many way, I was one of the lucky ones who had this epiphany for before spending thousands of dollars in getting a Master's degree.  A Master's degree still wouldn't give me what I was lacking which was the confidence.  I'd just have been much further in debt and still been too afraid to go for the actual paycheck.  For many of my friends, I find that fear or perfectionism is what gets in all of our way.  Like I said at the beginning of this post, I have some amazingly talented friends who just haven't found their confidence or their story.   It's frustrating sometimes because I know that they could be hugely successful but who am I to judge seeing as I've got the exact same issue.  Deep down, I feel like I'd be a great teacher but it's just too much for me right now.  Right now, I'm looking into different career alternatives.   As for my friends, I still am fully confident that they will succeed in their passions and I will continue to encourage and support them until they do.

This blog is for me

This blog is craving more creative writing excerpts.  I want to write more but I've been so entirely self consumed that the desire to write about my thoughts and feelings have pervaded.  Honestly though, I'm not upset about that.  Sure the last thing I really wanted was for this blog to become just another one of many personal online journals but it's not really about what I want right now.  It's about what I need.  I keep thinking about how much writing here has helped me figure some things out about myself.  All I had to do was relax and let my fingers type without too much thinking.  It's really provided me with some fabulous insight about myself that I wasn't aware of and I think it's helping me discuss the really personal issues that are too difficult to talk about at first.

It's strange when all this began over a year ago.  I had to talk about everything to Dave.  Every little bit of anxiety and every bit of support I relied on him to receive and respond.  Honestly, it was far too much to ask of any one person but he embraced it without a single solitary complaint.  Recently, he's been asking me what's been bothering me.  Normally, I would gush about whatever it was that was bothering;  hearing my woes and his comfort provided me with more solace than I could provide myself at the time.  Now, however, it's been different.  Maybe it's because what's bothering me now is far deeper.  It's no longer the memories of my traumatic relationship but now it's the feelings that the experience implanted in me long ago that have pervaded my world for the past ten years.

What's bothering me now are what Edmund J. Bourne, author of  The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, would call "Mistaken Beliefs."  I read this book from cover to cover not long after beginning my therapy sessions over a year ago to my immense satisfaction.  It helped me realize that my panic attacks did mean I was a crazy person though at times I still feel like I am.  I used to think that my anxiety was entirely incapacitating until I read about how some people have a phobia of grocery stores.  The detailed steps on how to help overcome that phobia made me realize that it was something that I too could overcome.  Though the initial part of the book focuses on handling panic attacks, the rest of the book is really helpful for anyone experiencing an type of anxiety and depression.

For example, one does not have to be abused to have a whole list of "Mistaken Beliefs."  Mistaken beliefs are more than just casual worries, "I'm afraid I won't be good enough" or "what if they don't like me."  These are deep seated beliefs that you are not good enough and they won't like me and it doesn't matter what I do.  It's just a fact.  My belief that I don't deserve to be happy and that all the good things in my life are really just mistakes are examples of my own mistaken beliefs.  "If things are going well, watch out!"  or "If I don't worry, the something bad will definitely happen" are some more of mine.

In his book, he has a questionaire where he gives a examples of common mistaken beliefs and asks you to rate them.  When I first took it, I score high on all counts.  I've still scored high on four out of the six areas but that's still an improvement.  It means that I've somehow figure out how to counter and change some of my old mistaken beliefs.  Maybe in my next post, I'll look at a couple and try and use his techniques to counter some of my beliefs using his five questions and positive affirmations.  Or maybe I won't.  I don't know, I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Overall though, writing here in this blog everyday has helped me to see things like some of my, "mistaken beliefs" and given me a jump off spot for many therapy sessions.  Sure, I didn't want this to be a blog about me and my feelings but I'm glad of kind that it's become that in a way.  I feel a bit sorry for my readers because there's really nothing more dull than someone going on and on about themselves but I didn't begin writing this to get a following.  I began writing this for me.  I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised that this blog ends up being mostly about me.  There's also a time, I'm sure, when I'll have forgotten about this time in my life and won't it be cool to read what I've written now, then.

Advice

Dear Denise, 

You're so much better at giving advice than listening to it.  That's really a problem since you tend to give advice so freely.  Where's the wisdom in telling someone to stop smoking as you take a nice long drag of your cigarette?  More than anything you especially need to take your own advice.  Yes, I get it.  It's far easier to give advice to someone else about their problems than to apply what you say to your own problems.  So tonight, I am writing you this letter as if you were someone else because as you told your dear friend earlier; it's sometimes better coming from yourself than a stranger.  

First things first.  Cut yourself some damn slack and stop being so serious all the time.  You spent a good portion of today ranting and raving about politics and you know that only really happens when you decide to take your rage and confusion and throw it at people and ideas that you have absolutely zero control over.  Yes, it may temporarily make you feel better thinking about how moronic other people can be but that's not really what this is about now, is it?  Hey, it's okay to get angry at yourself and at what happened every once in a while but at least own that.  It sucks that you had to go through all of it then and it sucks that you have to deal with it all now. You didn't deserve that and you didn't ask for it.  Don't look at me like that; allowing something to happen doesn't me you wanted it or that it was okay.  We've gone over this many times but clearly you need to hear it again.  Also, it's okay to get mad at yourself for whatever part you played during that time.  You feel like you betrayed yourself back then and that you didn't do enough to protect yourself.  It hurts, it's frustrating, how can you trust you to protect yourself now when you couldn't then?  Go ahead, stamp your feet, scream into a pillow, throw raw eggs into the bathtub (you still haven't tried that one, yet).  

Really go do that and once your done doing that and you've calmed down then please continue to read.  There's nothing like a good solid outpour of emotion to help clear your head.  Anyway, first allow me to address those feelings you have about yourself.  I'm not your therapist or your mom or your friend, these words are coming from somewhere within you, so please keep that in mind that I was there too when everything went down.  There was only so much you could do back then and honestly, you put up a pretty good fight.  You didn't do this to yourself.  He did.  He was calculating and manipulative and he knew how to wear you down.  I know you don't want to hear this but he knew what he was doing.  I get that you don't want to villainize him but you need to distinguish between what you actually did and what he did.  How can you protect yourself now?  Keep learning.  You didn't even realize what was happening to you back then; you didn't recognize the cycle of abuse but you know it now.  It's hard to fight when you're blindfolded and can't see where the next attack would come from.  When reading your book, one of the factors that normally prevented Post Traumatic Stress was the knowledge of what was happening and how you might feel.  You lacked all that knowledge so please, stop thinking you could've done more.  

You couldn't look your friend in the eye today when she discussed what you are dealing with but I know you heard her.  Last year when you began to piece together just how bad all of this was and how it has continued to negatively affect other completely unrelated parts of your life, you first heard the word victim applied to you.  You heard that you were victimized as you took that in along with everything else that happened, the term seemed to stick.  As you continued to share your story, that word victim became more than just a word but a personality trait and eventually something that defined who you were.  You've come a really long way since last year.  I know that it doesn't seem that way at times but when you really think about it, you've progressed by leaps and bounds.  When was the last time you found yourself sobbing uncontrollably on the floor? Do you even remember?  That was once part of your daily life and now you can't remember the last time it happened.  That's huge.  You are ready to take on this word "victim" now.  That is not a word that defines who you are today nor did it define who you were then.  It really just was another outfit you wore as you felt your way through your teens.  Not, it's not something that all teenagers have to wear but you did and now you can officially take it off and put it away.  

I can hear what you are thinking (yeah, I'm in your brain too and it's much harder to hide from me).  Yes, this means that you were not perfect.  At a time when you were very vulnerable someone came and took advantage of you and you were too naive to see it then.  Please remember though that no one is perfect.  We all carry our share of burdens and regrets from the past.  You didn't fail yourself by not knowing.  You're not proud of everything you done or haven't done in your life but I think you might find it difficult to find someone who thinks that everything they did was what was best for them.  It's time that you really look at what was in your control and forgive yourself for everything that wasn't.  There is so much more that I would like to tell you to reinforce because I know that you've heard it all before.  Though you may not see how now, these words will begin to sink in.  Just be patient and this too will pass.  

Love, 

Yourself

Royal Weddings

I'm writing a bit earlier than usual but I decided to watch Prince William and Kate Middleton's Royal Wedding while completing my hour of free step and I just feel inspired to sit down and get out my thoughts.  Unlike the millions who tuned in at 3am or whatever time it actually aired here in the United State, by the genius of Hulu I was able to watch the whole thing for the first time on this rainy afternoon.  I think I took my mother by surprise when she called me last Friday to ask if I was watching and I told her no.  When I was a young girl in my pre-teen and early teenage years, Prince William was my schoolgirl crush.  I used to dream that I would someday meet him and he'd fall in love and we'd get married and I'd get to be a real princess.   Even my neighbor called my mom and told her that the entire time she watched it, she thought about me and how I was going to marry Prince William and how excited she is for my own upcoming wedding.

So how did it feel watching my schoolgirl crush marry?  Absolutely thrilling!  The two major thoughts that were repeated in my mind while I watched were, "thank goodness that is not me" and "she is absolutely everything I pictured and imagined she would be."  Really I could go on and on by how much I love Kate Middleton.  Honestly, I don't know much about her personality but really it's her overall presence and appearance that inspires me.  Her wedding was everything that I envisioned.  Granted, I wasn't a young woman in the 1980s when Princess Diana married but the images of her wedding did very little for me.  She was so young and it seemed like she hardly knew the man she was married.  Of course, by the time I was old enough to watch her wedding it was common knowledge that her and Prince Charles didn't work out, so that clouded my judgement. Regardless, the giant "princess" wedding with the gigantic ball gown and the twenty foot train did very little for me.  She was so tiny, I felt like she was drowning in her dress.  Not to mention that the whole pomp and circumstance that is necessary for a royal wedding appeared to overwhelmed her.  She seemed too demure and the craziness of the pressed seemed to much for her even then.  As much as she was a beautiful, wonderful, and lovely woman I didn't get the sense that royalty much suited her.

Katie, on the other hand, couldn't be more her opposite.  Although, William is the Prince of England, she commanded the attention as if it were her birthright and not his.  It was like she was born and raised for this.  There is nothing awkward about her but she carries herself with a grace, poise, and a countenance of friendliness that is just as endearing.  With Princess Diana, people could relate to her; however, Kate embodies what many woman would to like to become.  I am one of those women.  Looking at Kate, she has the exact presence I wish to embody.  She is classy and elegant and perfectly poise.  Her demeanor is the perfect balance of royal humbleness but at the same time commands the authority that comes with the position.  I can see her having a great time with people from all social classes and yet at the same time, I feel like she won't take any nonsense from the press or otherwise.  She is strong and confident.  In fact, I would long to have to her confidence.  It still makes me laugh that when the press asked her if she thought she was lucky to be dating a prince, her response was that he should consider himself lucky to be dating her.   Seriously, how cool is that?

All women should have that kind of confidence in my opinion.  It's weird but I feel like many women are convinced that in order to be perceived as attractive and humble that we must berate ourselves and pick out each flaw and declare its inadequacy not only to ourselves but to anyone who compliments us.  We are told "be confident with who you are" and yet at the same time, our self-imposed bashing gives us the attention that we desperately desire.  I'm just as much at fault.  It's like when someone compliments our dress, we are condition to say, "Oh, you mean this old thing?" regardless of how much you paid for it or how new it is.  I don't want to blame everything on the media because it's not just them.  Actually if you asked me where I got the idea that our negative self perception is what where supposed to portray, I couldn't give you an exact answer.  It's not from my mother or my friends or the media and yet at the same time being surrounded by everyone who internally loathe themselves somehow made me find everything I could hate about myself.  And hate them, I do.  I hate parts of my body, parts of my personality, everything but my readers already know this from my prior laments here at this blog.

How encouraging that such a strong and confident woman will be the role model for young girls across the world.  Though she is beautiful, she is by no means perfect.  Today I aspire to gain that confidence that she carries.  Seriously, all of my insecurities are self destructive at this point.  Not just personally but professionally as well.  How can I convince someone that I'm good enough to handle the job when I hardly feel good enough to handle life.  It's really time that I learn to accept myself for who I am and forgive myself for what happened to me in the past.  Gosh, it's so easy to say but so much harder to embrace.  There is so much work to be done incorporating my past into my present in a healthy, nonjudgmental way, and propelling myself into my future.  I want to reach my greatest potential but I'll never do that berating myself.  For now,  embracing self confidence and acceptance will be my holy grail and I am on an ongoing quest to attain it.

I started this post like my last therapy session: avoidance first

I'm in a strange place this evening.  There's a lot that I want to write about but I don't want to get into it at all. Had I sat down and wrote before I went to work tonight, I might have been able to get it out then but right now I just don't want to deal with it.  Spring has officially arrived here in Massachusetts.  Today the air was warm and comforting providing a safe haven for rebirth.  The clear sky allowed the sun's light to illuminate the natural world around me. Times like this that I wish I lived in a more rural area; perhaps, I'll take a drive to Concord and enjoy the park.  Maybe I'll channel Emerson and Thoreau while I'm at it (it's where they used to write).   The weather is perfect for the beginnings of new life.  Some trees have already fully bloomed while others are just beginning.  Although you can still see through most of the trees, the branches now seemed sprinkled with green.  

Honestly, the world around me is completely gorgeous.  My wedding to a wonderful me is only five months away and life really couldn't be better.  I just wish I could fully enjoy it rather than just appreciate it with lots of gratitude.  Although I haven't really discussed God much here, I think he/she wouldn't want me to be grateful but rather embrace it all.  Take it all into my soul and nourish my spirit with it's beauty and happiness.  I just feel as if I'm in a bubble that allows me to see it all but not experience it.  My world feels weighted with emotional baggage.  It's not even memories anymore they pull me down but their subtle effects.  

Yesterday, when I met with my therapist, she asked me how I was doing and I spent the first ten minutes blabbering on about how wonderful things are going and how everything was just fine.  Even as I spoke the words I knew that the reality of what I was saying was vastly different.  Things aren't fine right now and they haven't been for over a week now at least.  Dave keeps asking what's the matter and every time I tell him that I'm fine.  Truth is, I'm not okay but I want to think that I am.  Luckily the incredibly wise woman that my therapist is knew how to ask the more probing questions and eventually it just became too difficult to pretend anymore.  Had I answered the deeper questions with a "yeah everything is going better" it would've been a downright lie.  

I mentioned that I had my tarot cards read this past Saturday.  The reading was accurate.  It's not like she could see my future in specific detail but the cards told the generalities that were enough for me to get that between the cards and my energy she had a relative sense of the going ons in my life.  Although, my end goal was a good one (my embarking on a new adventure I'm assuming is my marriage) she also saw a major hurdle.  She said that there was something from my past that I couldn't let go of, that I regret, and that's standing in my way.   I was told that it was no longer and that once I move past it and let it go I'm be much happier and ready to embrace that new beginning. 

With only five months until I'm a married woman and everyone and everything around me telling me I just have to let it go, I found myself doing the thing I do best.  I avoided it.  Sadly, I'm not a light switch that can be flipped and suddenly all my pain is gone.  Unlike a computer whose performance is hindered by a virus, I can't have my memory erase and the proper lessons and memories reinstalled.  Humans sadly aren't that easy.  I did make it my goal to be done with this whole trauma bullshit by the time I got married.  Now I think I'm beginning to see that with the five month mark looming over, I came to the conclusion that I must let it go.  That's not so easy.  Sure, the memories have lessened dramatically but now there's just me or what remains of me.  

Logically, I'm there.  I get it and I'm ready to move on.  Unfortunately my emotions don't feel it.  Now, instead of comforting the memories I feel like I'm comforting myself.  I discussed many of my feelings I wrote about in the post less than a week ago about how I don't feel like a victim because I chose to stay in the relationship.  She asked the obvious question, "Did you really choose to stay?"  I told her that I drove to his place almost every weekend and how I knew I was uncomfortable but yet I went anyway.  I insisted that no one was forcing my hand and I wasn't living with him.  I could've stayed where I was more than safe and been just fine.  She then asked me if I had read the chapter on Captivity in the she recommended for me called Trauma and Recovery and when I nodded she asked if I remember that just because one is not physically captive, they can still be psychologically captive.  

Here I found myself agreeing with her logically but at the same time it doesn't make me loathe myself any less.  We continued to discuss how psychologically I felt trapped and how in many ways, I felt that I had more control by going there knowing what would happen rather than stand against him.  We discussed what happened when I did stand against how much worse things seemed to get.  If I went willing, I had the control.  I said that I didn't really know what was happening and she explained that I needed to see what he did and that I'm being too hard on myself.   I also brought up the whole feeling that I deserve the happiness that I have right now.  Again, she asked the most reasonable question, "Why?"  It was there that I stumbled.  I don't know why I feel that way, I just do.  I believe it.  For me it's a belief, a truth.  I also said that I knew it had something to do with the whole internal victim debate.      She also made a point that being a victim is not a personality trait.  It's not who I am or who I'm not.  It was just a role that I played at that time in my life but it doesn't define me.  

Such incredibly wise words and I know that she's right.  She said a lot more that I didn't even take in.  Sometimes I wish I could record our sessions but only her side.  That way I could go back and just listen as if I was listening to someone talk on the phone.  I told her that I logically know that she's right but that I don't believe it or I don't feel it.  Somehow, deep within me it doesn't feel right.  To this she nodded and said that it was okay.  That in time, I would begin to feel it and it accept it.  Though she didn't say it, I know she would consider this one of the sessions that I need to sit and percolate on.  I will admit, as much as this healing thing sucks, it's very interesting.  Interesting how it happens.  It doesn't happen at once.  It's not a broken bone that is reposition and sealed in a cast until it fuses back together correctly.  Psychological healing requires many steps.  Just because you've moved past one doesn't mean it's over.  

I need to stop pressuring myself to "be over it already" and trust that this won't last forever.   I've been living with the remnants of trauma for almost ten years.  Changing the beliefs and processing the feelings take time.  Of course in the back of my head I hear myself saying, "sure take all the time that you need, just be done with it by the time your married."  I can't think like that.  My wedding won't be a cure all.  I will still be the same person.  That's the most difficult thing about traumatic experiences.  Letting the go is actually impossible.  They will never disappear.  You will never forget them.  It and everything that came with it will forever be a part of you.  The challenge isn't getting rid of it but accepting with without judgement.