Short!

After I got out of work my parents offered to take Dave and me out to dinner in celebration of our one year anniversary.   Although they wanted to treat us to a fancy Japanese restaurant, we opted for the more casual venue of Unos.  It was nice of them to buy us dinner.  Before I arrived I was tired and somewhat cranky but between dinner and good conversation I began to feel more like myself.  When we got home, we discussed my sister's wedding a bit (Dave is working on their website).   They are almost a full year out.  Dave and I will be celebrating our two year anniversary when they get married.  It's sort of surreal.

Okay, I'm ending this post abruptly.  It's 1am.  I've been up since 6:30 and Dave is going to bed and threatening to fall asleep before me.   He got to sleep in so I can't let that happen.  Plus joining an unconscious husband isn't nearly as fun as when he's awake.

Almost 1 year

Naps are a wonderful thing.  Really.  This afternoon, Dave and I took a nice long nap and it was just what I needed.  When we decided to snuggle I wasn't all that tired but I almost immediately fell asleep on his chest and dosed.   What's strange is that I normally can't fall asleep like that because I like my pillow too much but today was different.   Since it was a nap, I kind of drifted in and out of sleep and it was so comforting to briefly wake up and still have his arms wrapped around me.

Will this ever get old?   It's almost a year since we got married and still I love being around him.  I can't wait to come home to every day and hate it when he leaves in the morning.  We're going away next weekend to the place that inspired our wedding theme.  We could have gotten married in the summer in the city or in a garden during the spring but it was Stowe Mountain Lodge and the numerous autumn journeys to the area that made us want a fall, rustic wedding.   I had no idea that rustic weddings were all the rage at the time.  Ah well.

I can't believe it's almost a year.  Sadly we will both be working Tuesday and unable to really celebrate until 9pm that night.  Luckily though, come Friday we will have a long weekend to enjoy.  To say "I can't wait" would be a huge understatement.

Work

Worked late this evening and didn't get home until after 11pm.  It's strange working so late now because it doesn't feel like it's now midnight.  It doesn't really help that I woke up so incredibly late.  I don't know if it was the rain or what but I didn't wake up until the afternoon.  So yeah, that probably made things somewhat worse.

Between waking up late and working all evening, nothing really exciting happened today.  That's not a bad thing but it doesn't make writing this post very easy.   Last night, I received a call from my mom who confirmed fraud on her credit card.  It was really cool to actually use my knowledge of the process to help someone close to me.

This job may not be exactly what I'm looking for but I can't deny that I've learned some life skills.  Not to mention that it aided in my desire to learn more about finances in general.  I like the fact that I'm interest in money.  It's surprising but very useful.   The looming question now is, what do I do with this new knowledge.  Do I continue to pursue it by taking classes to become a Certified Financial Planner?  Do I try and look for other jobs in the industry?   Do I just chock it up to something that I've learned and will use but maybe look into something different to interest me.

We'll see.

Pain

For some reason I've been super tired all day today.  I got a good amount of sleep.  Maybe I just woke up weirdly.  Thankfully my class got out early because I was struggling through it.   Since hospice is mainly about managing patient's pain, I learned that there are two genes that are responsible for pain.  Small variations in these genes can determine different levels of pain tolerance that individuals have.  Of course, I have no real idea about the science behind that.   When I tried to read up on it later the science talk overwhelmed me.  If I really sat down and focused I could probably make some sense of it but I don't particularly feel like it.

Bizarrely, NPR interviewed a scientist today about our body's electricity.  During it, she also went into the pain genes and receptors.   Two totally different programs about the same issue in the same day.  That kind of thing happens to me from time to time.   She talked about the fact that there are a very small percentage of people out there who can't feel any pain whatsoever (I knew this from a House episode) and there are people who feel pain almost all the time.  It was a fascinating show.  There are obvious reasons for not wanting the hypersensitivity to pain but we forget how helpful pain is to our survival.

Pain is an indicator that something is wrong.  Imagine your appendix bursting and not being able to feel it.  You'd die never knowing anything was wrong.  A simple fall would leave your questioning whether you broke something.   It's really hard to imagine not feeling any pain though.  When your feeling it, I hardly ever think "wow thank goodness I can feel this."   Another strange oddity, the one crime story that bothered me over a year ago complete with kidnapping and torture is on right now.  I haven't seen it since the last time but have thought about it constantly.  It became the "thank God,that didn't happen to me" whenever I had a nightmare or flashback.

Those poor women probably would have loved not feeling the pain.   Still, I suppose you really can't go around wishing your had this weird genetic anomaly on the improbable chance that you will be kidnapped and tortured.  Because these girls were tortured they survived.  If they weren't able to feel the pain, they probably would've been killed immediately.  Yeah, yeah. I know.  Only I would think like this.

The Big E

Dave and I did a Big E do over today.  He was able to get the day off of work at the last minute so we decided to try again since Saturday didn't work out so well.  Oh, it was so much better than our first attempt.  Definitely recommending going during the week while people are at work and kids are at school though it picks up quite a bit after 3pm.  

Really, we go to the Big E just for the food.  Slowly, I'm beginning to understand how enjoying food can be when you look forward to it and take the time to eat it.  It was something I didn't understand while we were in Paris.  That's not to say that I didn't enjoy eating while I was there because it was Paris and French food is delicious.   However, there was a point when I actually turned to Jamie and said, "Seriously, I cannot eat anymore.  If we stop to get more food I'm going to flip out."  

I had a whole post planned while I was there but I'm tired now and it's time for bed.

A Practical Wedding

I've started reading A Practical Wedding again.  As I've been reading more and more blogs I am drawn back to this one and I kind of regret my hiatus.   To be honest, I was kind of sad that it wasn't Meg writing all the time.  She got herself a staff.  It's amazing but she was the reason I used to read it and she was the one whose writings helped keep me centered in the wedding world.  It was the reason I couldn't connect with the Offbeat Wedding blog initially.  There were too many different voices by the time I started reading it.  Not to mention that I didn't particularly like it's exclusivity--why did I have to be engaged to read it.  Sure I could have pretended to be engaged back when Katie got engaged so I could read what she was reading but it just didn't feel right to me.  Clearly, I develop opinions quickly and let them color my decisions.  

Not reading Offbeat Wedding was my loss.  Not theirs.  Who knows how many clever and great ideas were shared that I missed?  When I chose to stop following A Practical Wedding, I missed out on some pretty cool stuff.  Like the fact that she went on a book tour with her book.  She had just published it when I stopped reading the blog.  She came to Boston and gave a talk.  This person who inspired me was in my area and I missed seeing her.  My wedding photographer took pictures of the event and I know I would have been surrounded by like-minded people.   So yeah, I missed out because I allowed my hasty opinions to get the better of me. 

About a week ago she wrote a post about pregnancy (she is now pregnant, I missed that too).   In the comments someone mistakes her post as an email and someone else commented, "it also made me think how it often feels like Meg is writing to us each, personally, you know? That's why I love APW."  It was then that I realize what I love the most about her blog.  She does make me feel like she is writing to me--like she is actually a friend of mine.  Sometimes I even talk about her like I know her.  I really feel like I do.  In some ways I do through her writing but that's very different than a friend.  She doesn't know me at all.  

It's awkward really because I end up feeling like a huge fan girl.   I find myself wanting to write her an email saying things like, "Thank you for helping to keep me sane while I was planning my wedding.  I've followed your blog from the beginning and I'm in awe of how it's grown.  It's super inspiring."  No, I didn't actually send that to her because really, fan girl much?   It's kind of weird being a fan of an internet wedding blogger but I'd say I'm a bigger fan of her than I am of most actors, athletes, musicians, and other famous people.    And if I'm being completely honest with myself, I think being a fan of a blogger is rather cool.  

Football

It's almost midnight and we are watching the amazing and very odd end of the Green Bay Packers and Seattle SeaHawks football game.  I'm far from a major football fan but the controversy about the referees and the league has piqued my interest.  Honestly, I haven't watched any of this game but this ending is unbelievable.  With no time left on the clock, the SeaHawks threw a Hail Mary pass that appeared to be intercepted by the Green Bay Packers.  It was close yet the referees gave it to the SeaHawks!

For those of you who don't follow football, the games are being played without the regular officials.  If you do actually follow football more closely, please bear with me and my horrible explanation.  Every year the league normally gives the referees a raise.  During discussions this year, the league stated that the referees would receive a larger raise but have to convert their pensions to 401Ks.  This did not sit well with the referees who counter-offered with no raise but grandfathering the pensions for current officials and using 401Ks for any new referees.   The league rejected this and prevented the referees from calling games while further discussions ensued.

The officials calling the games really don't have the experience to be calling games at this level.  Many of these referees have come from Division 3 college (the lowest out of 3 divisions), high school, and some of these guys are still refereeing middle school games.  The NFL is a completely different league.  As a result, many questionable calls have been made that have left players and fans demanding for the league to meet the referees demands and get them back on the field.  Turn on any sports radio station and this controversy will be what you hear about.  There was a the question of whether the league would maybe give in if these bad calls actually cause a team to win or lose a game.   Well, that game happened tonight and everyone is in absolute shock by it.

This is going to be the talk of the week and I actually might tune in for a little bit.

Angry

Sigh.  This apartment complex is going to be the death of me.  Seriously, maybe I really do just need  a life smack.  Change the job.  Change the house.  Change the husband?  Okay, not the last one but really I feel like in the past week, the world has smacked the "what are you doing?' questions over my head.  It makes me mad.  There is no other place that we can go and get this rate and I actually like the apartment.  It fits our needs right now.  What doesn't fit is this ridiculousness that my apartment enjoys doing.

Once again we receive another letter stating that they that "The Hamilton Company Maintenance Department Supervisor and an inspector from our bank will be entering apartments at random between 9am-5pm to do an apartment inspections.  If needed these inspections may carry over to the following days."  They were supposed to come last Tuesday so I made sure I was ready and they never came.  Now this?  Really it makes me so mad that I could spit.  Maybe I will when they come in.  Is it illegal to spit at people when they enter your apartment unannounced?  I'll make sure I do it on the bank inspectors shoes.

Sadly, if they take that as a threat then I suppose they could call the cops and I'd have to be bailed out of jail which would make whatever we were saving by living here completely useless.  So now, spitting is out.  I'm tempted to pretend to be naked under a towel and follow too closely near them while they "inspect" the place under the pretense that I was about to take a shower before they entered.  Something tells me that would be far from a healthy response from someone sexually abused in the past.  I could booby trap the place and hang a bucket of water over each of the doors so that when they walk in they have to endure being soaked the rest of the day.   Of course, it would also soak Dave or me if they don't come.  It is almost Halloween I could put a skeleton or a mummy in the bed and have an alarm set to sound a scream every ten minutes.

I won't do any of those unfortunately.  Instead I'll wake up early everyday and make sure I'm dressed before they come and that the apartment is presentable and let them screw me over for the next week.   God, I'm way too good at that.  I think I need to discuss some anger management with my wise woman the next time I see her.

Emotional

Dave and I journeyed out to western Massachusetts for the Big E.   Holy cow getting there was super frustrating.   As soon as we got into the car my right eye started acting up with weird film appearing in my vision and getting super dry.  I kept putting eye drops in and trying to give my eyes a rest but eventually I just ended up wearing glasses.   Also, it took 3 and a half hours to get there!  It's only an hour away but the traffic was horrific.  I don't think I've ever seen it so bad.  We handled it well at first but by the end I think we were both ready to scream.

It was an absolute zoo there but we had a good time.   We got our Maine baked potato and drank the apple cider we brought for our wedding.  It was a really nice day too.  I don't think I ever felt too warm or too cold.   Sadly, due to our late arrival and the craziness we didn't do many of the things we wanted to so we are thinking about going back during the week at some point.  My parents were going to join us but couldn't and I'm kind of glad they didn't come.  It was super busy and I just don't think they would've enjoyed it.  Not today anyway.

On the way home, we began talking and I had an anxiety attack because of work.  It was one of those, "what am I doing with my life" kind of moments.  I just feel so overwhelmed and frustrated by my current place.   By the time we pulled into our parking lot I all but jumped out of the car and started walking.  Luckily Dave is awesome and after walking for about ten minutes, we came inside and he drew me a bath.  I don't need to have it all figured out tonight and I am doing little things that just require some patience.  I'll figure it out.

Photogenic

I'm super excited for my tummy to stop being angry with me.  It's been three days now and I don't know what I did to make it so mad.  Hopefully I can appease it tonight.  Okay, that's enough complaining.

Our SLR camera came today!!  As I'm writing this post, Dave is making faces into it trying to learn how to use it.   It's like Christmas!   He's so cute taking these pictures then looking down at the screen to check it out.  Right now the camera is turned on me.  Apparently I'm horrible to photograph because I immediately change my expression once I realize that the camera is on me.  He just wants to get me naturally.  I've never been photogenic.  In fact, many times I hate having my picture taken since any of those "natural" ones look awful.

Dave says it's because I never relax my face.  It's constantly moving and I'm constantly making faces.  I'm not sure if it's a nervous tick or what but it only seems to get worse when I know that there is a camera around.  Oddly enough, despite all these faces I've never been very expressive.   I remember taking photographs with Katie one time and it was like watching a model at work.  That girl was able to change her expression so often that the photos showcased multiple feelings.   I don't have that talent.

Eh, you can't get everything right?

Head Games

The Boston Film Festival is in town and Dave and I journeyed into the theater district of the city.  The movies are showing at the Stuart Street Playhouse in the Revere Hotel.  This theater was stunning.  It is both a movie theater and a stage theater.  I mean, you can't show major Broadway plays but it would be perfect for many kinds of community theater.  As soon as I walked into the auditorium I wished we had bought the VIP tickets that allowed us to see all the shows and take part in the whole festival.  Alas, with work and alternative plans for Saturday, I'm glad we got to see this one.

Our movie, Head Games, was a documentary about potential brain injuries that can result from multiple head trauma due to contact sports like hockey and football.   This is an issue that is slightly close to me as I think that I have a cousin who might be affected by something similar.  The documentary was alright.  I definitely support the issue.  However, my favorite part of the night was the fact that the main people in the documentary came onstage after the movie for a Q & A session.   Even I asked a question of the panel!  It was so cool.

Maybe next year, I might consider really doing more of the festival.  This event was really awesome and I would love to see more in this theater.

First day

The first day of my menstrual cycle has been a nightmare today.  My word.  Thank Goodness I didn't have to work because I think I would've had to call in.  I've taken Advil nonstop all day and the pain remains a dull ache.  Still, I'm just happy that it's not the major kind of pain that I felt this morning and just a few minutes ago.

Something about it being that bad scares me in a way that I just don't understand.  I spent about forty minutes this morning fighting both the pain and the panic that seems to come with it.  Eventually Dave's alarm woke him a little and he got me the heating pad and a lorazapam. With that I felt my mind quiet a bit and I focus on the warmth of Dave's arms.  It calmed me and I drifted off into sleep.

I am really looking forward to hopefully getting off this mental medication and back on the menstrual one.  So far I'm doing really well with the lower dosage so I just hope I can maintain it through February or March.  I don't trust going through the winter without it at all.  Still that means maybe April or May?  That's what- 8 more months?  8 more terrible periods.  I guess I can make that work.  Plus, last month was actually fine!  Maybe this month is making up for it.

Also I want to thank my mom for the email she sent today and Jamie for getting me to go for a walk.  It was so nice to hear from each of them.  And Jamie's hug just made my day... so thank you both.  I really needed it.  Love you!

Rejected

My heart was broken today.   I felt hurt in a way that I haven't felt in a really, really long time.  What's worse was that I walked right into it.  Had I listened to my intuition, I would have avoided this whole thing and I could still be in some ignorance or denial or whatever it was.  Though I feel really embarrassed about this, I think I am going to talk about it here.  

So as many of you know, I've decided to look into hospice care and become a volunteer.  In fact, I actually signed up for a Hospice training course taking place on Thursday mornings.  I had my first class last week and liked it.  At the class we received some paperwork including three reference forms that needed to be filled out by anyone other than family.  I hate reference forms.  I hate having to ask people to complete them for me so of course my initial reaction was, "who am I going to ask?" 

Dave mentioned my coworkers and something about it just didn't feel right.  Still, I thought about it and figured that they would be easy to ask since I see them so often.   So last night I sent an email out to those coworkers on my team that I've had a decent relationship.  They didn't respond.  I knew then that I should just let it go because in truth, they don't understand what I've gone through recently. 

Like most people I've encountered, they've tried to be supportive but really they feel like this is something that happened years ago and I just need to get over it.  They see and probably resent that fact that I've had to call in because of my issues and think I'm not going to have the mental capabilities to handle something like hospice.  Maybe I won't but I feel like I want to try.  

Anyway, with these potential thoughts and feelings in the background, no one responded to my email.  Of course, feeling vulnerable I pushed a little further when I just should have cut my losses and walked.  Still I told them that the forms were on my desk and showed them what they looked like before I left for the evening.  Today, when I came in I received two notes saying, "I wish you the best of luck but I don't complete referrals."  

And there it was: I was being rejected, big time.   In fact, these people who I thought I had established some sort of relationship with might not like me at all.   I've spent all this time time justifying my job because of the people and I now realize that maybe that's all it is: a justification.  Maybe it really is time for me to leave.  I mean, sure when I move to first shift I will be leaving this team but maybe I really do need to start looking elsewhere all together. 

Of the six people I asked, I had two people who came forward.  Perhaps I should just focus on their wonderful responses.  Still, it's hard to swallow that four people who I thought would be really supportive didn't feel like that could do this for me.  Two told me no outright and two didn't respond at all.  When I got home I cried at Dave for a bit and then distracted myself with another conversation topic.  

At this point though, I've realized that I place a much higher value on these relationships I thought I had at work so I could justify my staying there.  I haven't been looking for two main reasons: one is that I don't have any idea what I should be looking for and two is that I've been so afraid of interviews.  I'm afraid of being rejected.  I've stayed at this job because I thought I was safe from that kind of rejection.  Now, though it's all changed.  My coworkers, my team of almost two years just flat out rejected me.  

I suppose rejection is a part of life.  In a way, I can understand it from them.  It's been a really tough year for me and they've picked my slack.  There will be times that I'm sure I'll be rejected for far worse reasons.  If I crumble with every rejection, I'll never get anywhere so I think its time for me to put myself back out there.  I mean, what is my excuse going to be now? 

Apartment

My silly apartment landlords may be stopping by tomorrow morning which means that I need to be up and either ready to receive them or out of my apartment by 9am tomorrow.  I wish they were coming being 11 and 1 rather than 9-11 but whatever.  I just hope they come so that they won't need to come again.  We got the new terms for our lease agreement.  They are waiting on our signature which is due by the 23rd of the month.  

There are a lot of big downsides to this apartment.  Regardless, I do think we will be staying another year.  Despite their increasing our rent by $50 per month, it is still the best deal around.  Plus the location is ideal for where we are each working.   I'd rather save the $300/month and put it toward our debt than toward an upgraded apartment.  What's scary is that we have such a great deal that if we choose to go anywhere else close by we'll be increasing our rent by that amount.  So yeah, I think we can manage the downsides here for a bit longer.  

Sadly that means that I will need to wake up at a reasonable hour.  Maybe I'll do some writing.  I sort of need to get on that.  

Old fashioned

My eyes feel heavy with sleepiness.  I've worked, had a Sunday dinner with my family, and logged my steps for the day.   Now it's just a matter of writing this post before going to bed.  I enjoy reading while I walk and am actually enjoying my first books via the kindle.   There's even a possibility of me adjusting to it.  It's not the same as a real book.  I like the weight of a book dense with words.  The feel of the pages as I turn them adds an element that cannot be replaced.   I can't imagine a world without actual books and I hope that if it must exist I'm not around to see it.  It won't be anytime soon, that's for sure.

Still, sometimes I wonder if this is how people my grandparents age felt about the printed word.  They had typewriters but they had to feel like something powerful was lost by typing rather than writing it by hand.   Even I love the way the pen feels in my hand as it glides over paper.   My hand is weak now.  If I spend too long writing my hand will actually hurt in a way that it never did before.  Men don't know how to write by hand anymore and more and more women have lost its art.  When my grandfather passed, I read some of the letters that he wrote to my grandmother as a young man in the war.  His writing was elegant, beautiful, and still masculine.  There was a depth of feeling in the handwriting itself beyond the words.  Even song lyrics carried the weight of his emotion.

I think I'm just too old fashioned for today.  I love typing my posts and I find that I can type faster than I can write which is very helpful when trying to put all my thoughts on paper.   That said, I fear that one day kids won't even learn to write by hand because it has become obsolete.  Can you imagine the handwritten word being as artistic as calligraphy is today?  Will they imitate fonts?  Ah, my mind is shutting down.  I'm not thinking clearly anymore and it is time for bed.

Mother/Daughter date

I got to celebrate the gorgeous day with my mother.   This was the second mother/daughter date we've had in the last couple of months and I am really enjoying them.   We went into Cambridge walking and talking for hours.  Seriously, we walked for miles.  She showed me all around where she grew up.  We went to her childhood home and all the places that she played.   The city really was her playground.  She showed me the building where she met my dad and the church that they married.  It was really awesome.   My mother is the best.  I want more days like this.  

Walking around we realized that there was a lot happening.  We must have stumbled upon four different weddings.  Really it was a gorgeous day for it.  What's crazy is that these weddings were in locations that I never even knew about.  Had we gone through with the urban wedding theme that we were tossing about, there were plenty of places to choose from in Cambridge.  I don't regret anything about our wedding venue but had I seen these potential that Cambridge offered I might have considered it a bit more seriously.   We also caught someone as they were surprised by a group of his friends on a boat.   It was just cool.  

Great day with the best mom in the world!!

Hey you got to start small

I waited too long to post and now I'm tired.  Going to work was difficult and I was just angry at a lot of things for no reason.   Angry and depressed and forcing myself to get in the office.  While there I was going through my emails and I saw that my boss sent a "Thought of the Day" which was all about taking action and asking for what you want.  I don't know if it was my frustration or what but I walked into her office and said, "I don't want to do nights anymore."  Okay, it wasn't exactly like that but it was close.  I sat down and told her that I really needed to go back to days and we worked out a schedule.  Eventually, I will be working Sunday through Thursday.

Now, it won't happen immediately which is actually a good thing because I got some stuff going on for the next few weeks.  She needs to find someone to cover my shift at night so I'll probably not be able to make the change until January at the earliest.  Something tells me I'll be walking into her office again in January and pressing the issue further but she was all for it.  In addition, I also talked to her about hiring a friend of mine.   It seems like we definitely have the positions.  There were only four posted on the wall but apparently we are looking to hire 11 people so if anyone needs a job... send them my way.

Of course, I would recommend making them read some of my entries first because then they'll have some idea of what they are getting into by applying.  It totally turned my day around.  Yes, I know.  I need to find another job all together and I will but I just don't feel ready yet.  This is a great work around until I figure out if the couple of things I'm working on turn into something of greater interest.  It will just be so nice to have nights off.  Not to mention a Friday night and a Saturday.  That's the best part.

Rant

Politics has a way of creeping up on me.  It gets under my skin slowly and settles deep inside until one day I just about burst.  That happened today while listening to a Republican radio show.   I should preface that I completely agreed with him regarding New York City limiting the sizes of sodas at fast food restaurants.   Yes, I understand that these beverages are horrible for you and that as the years have gone by the sizes have reached a ridiculous size.  Still, I don't think that the government should prohibit the sale of these large sizes.  I personally believe it is up to the consumer to make those decisions for themselves.  Now, I completely understand that others may disagree with me and that is entirely their right.

I have a huge problem with the statement that us pro-choice, liberal, fat-people haters are forcing our perception of what is right down everyone else's throats.  Yes that is actually what he said.  What?  Only a couple of weeks ago, the same man said that he hated the idea that he would be forcing women to have children by supporting the anti-abortion movement.  Now he was going on an angry rampage about how all liberals (because clearly we are all of one opinion) were trying to stomp on his choice to drink more than 16 ounces of soda?  Something about the whole thing just made me snap.

He would argue that he is trying to protect unborn lives so it is okay to eliminate a woman's ability to choose.  Many others would agree that abortion is not the answer and I encourage them to talk sympathetically towards the young women who are in the position of making that difficult choice.   Help make them aware of their options.  Help them raise their unwanted children.   Encourage them to make the choice that you would want them to make but do not eliminate their ability to make that choice.  If you believe that it is murder then please let your God stand in judgment of their choices. It is not your place to judge them.

I'm so tired of this being an issue.  I'm so sick of politicians making blatantly untrue statements about the legitimacy of rape.  It makes me angry that the vice presidential candidate not only shares some of these views but has supported legislation against a women's right to abort. I'm so sick of people calling women who've made that choice to abort, "murderers." I hate how they play around with the idea that it would be okay in cases of rape and incest when so many people in this country still believe that a woman can be "asking for it" based on what she wears.   I can't get over that in 2012 women are more concerned with protecting the rights that we've already earned rather than trying to continue to make our lives more equal in the workforce and other areas.

The endless Obama bashing needs to stop especially when the other side can only offer a "we'll fix it" statement and little more.  We're told that everything Obama did in the past four years was wrong and if we fire him then Romney will fix it.  We can't ask how, we can't question it, we should just have faith in what he says.  Maybe Obama didn't make all the right choices while he was in office but can we focus on whether or not Romney's plan to fix it is better than Obama's plan?   How can we possibly make an educated, well informed decision without knowing the most basic outline of his plans?

Of course, I'm not even touching the rights to marriage for all consenting adults regardless of race or sex.  For the past few months all these opinions volleying back and forth have affected me.  I've tried to keep from talking about it but that whole soda thing and the awful spin that was placed on it was just too much.  I really can't wait for this to be over.  The debates are still ahead and maybe Romney will present some really well thought out plans for our economic recovery, how he will conduct foreign policy, and make clear that he does not support his party's view on abortion.  I have a feeling that I'm only going to be disappointed.

I've tried really hard to keep quiet.  Everyone has the right to their opinions.  I don't judge others for feeling differently from me.  You have the right to get upset and express your frustration.  I now realize that I also have that right.   Don't worry, I don't plan on continuing these rants.  I've laid it on my husband, my mother, and now here.  I think I've vented enough.

Dreams

Waking up this morning was terrible.  I struggled hard core.  Dave was working from home this morning and every time he came over to wake me up I felt supremely annoyed.  I didn't want him near me, I didn't want him to wake me up, and I just wanted to be left alone.  He said I wasn't that bad so a lot of it must have been in my head.   Really, he was interrupting a dream.   It was another dream in a series, it seems.  I don't know what to make of them.

It is said that your subconscious speaks to you by way of your dreams.  In her book Sacred Contracts, Caroline Myss argues that the divine may also try to speak with you through your dreams. She talks about her dreams regarding an airplane and how she had many dreams with the same theme. She kept trying to take her flight but there was always something that prevented her.  She understood the message, then.  I don't know what mine are trying to tell me.

Months ago, possibly a year ago, I had this reoccurring dream where I would be in high school trying to get to my next class but I had no idea what that class was, where it was, or what was due.  There was this overwhelming fear that I hadn't done the work and my grades were going to suffer but how can I do work for classes or go to classes when I don't even know which classes they are?

Later, I had another couple of dream where a Chemistry test was looming.  Each time I was unprepared and each time something came up where I didn't have to take the test.   Of course I eventually did have the dream when the test was administered.  Despite the prior dreams where I felt relieved each time it didn't happened and vow to study,  I still wasn't prepared for the test at all.   Instead I completely flubbed my way through it.  There was something about forgetting my book at school over the weekend and therefore couldn't study.   This dreams happened a couple of months ago.

Then last week, I had dream where I got my grade.  I had bombed it with a score of 52%.  On the bottom my teacher had written, "you will be receiving a letter about graduating early.  You can disregard that letter now."  Everyone around me did much better and embarrassed me during the class by alluding to my horrible scores.  I felt panicked.  I tried to explain but he wouldn't listen.  I then became angry.  He doesn't know why I did so poorly;  maybe something terrible happened to me earlier that day... maybe I was raped.   A stellar student on course to graduate early fails one test and you don't wonder why?

Even waking up I was angry.  As my world came back into to focus I remembered that I've already graduated from high school and college.  That made me angrier.  I achieved both despite being raped.   It wasn't until much later that I even questioned what my being raped had to do with anything.  Why does that matter?  Who cares (aside from myself, that is)?  As the day progressed I remembered the previous dream where I was never prepared so why the heck was I so angry?  I didn't study so it would be make sense that I wouldn't pass.

This morning I had another dream where it was our last day of school and we were going through each class recapping the four years.  I remembered how much fun it all was and how sad and terrified I was for it to end.  All I could think about was how everything was changing and I would need to go to college and do it again.  Even in my dream though, a part of me knew I had already done it and I had a blast.  Still I was overcome by fear.   When I finally did wake up I was soaked in my sweat and just kept thinking... "College was fine.  You did it and it was a great time too."

Yesterday I dreamed about going back to work at The Body Shop.  Now, I thoroughly loved working at that store.  I only really left because I was tired of working nights and weekends for such small pay. During this dream, I couldn't do it.  I kept ringing things in twice completely messing up orders.  My managers kept stepping in and I was completely useless.  In addition the store was so much bigger and it never seemed to close.  All the other stores closed but ours.  Finally there was something about a dress code and a roller coaster tied into it at some point.

So I don't know why these things that I've already accomplished and were relatively successful coming up in my dreams again?  Especially in such a way where I'm lost and failing and afraid.   It's not making sense to me.  I wonder tonight's dream will be.

Weekend Getaway!

As everyone in the country knows, today is the anniversary of September 11th.  I didn't forget.  As the saying goes, I will never forget.  However, just because I'll never forget does not mean I have to relive it every year.  I don't need to watch the videos of the falling building and listen to the screams of panicked people.  Last year I spent hours cryings and remembering how bad it was.  I brought myself back to that day, I felt the pain all over again, I more the remembered: I relived.  This year, I chose not to do that.  Instead, I thought about the day as I wrote the date numerous times while QC'd yesterday's work.   Aside from that though, I made today just like any other day. 

My weekend off was approved which meant that Dave and I could seriously consider going away for our anniversary.  We had been thinking about it for some time now.   According to the experts, peak season for Vermont is going to be early this year so we decided to go up to our favorite place for our first anniversary.   Of course, staying in our favorite hotel in a top destination during peak season is far from cheap.  When our ridiculously rich cardholders in Bermuda chose to stay at the same hotel during the same season, I knew we were probably going to spend more than we wanted to for our hotel.  

Still, my Bermuda people stay for weeks at these hotels.  Dave and I will be staying for one weekend.  A part of me wishes we could have taken days during the week as that would be far cheaper but that would require Dave to take even more days off.   Still, we jumped online to book our anniversary weekend to find that the absolute cheapest we could get this hotel was for $1000 for the weekend!  Yes, 2 days = $1,000!   We could have a balcony room on a 7 night cruise from Boston to Bermuda this May for the same amount.  I couldn't justify $1000 for a weekend- even our anniversary weekend. 

Then I thought about our credit card and our Ultimate Rewards.  Let me try calling them, I thought.  Our travel guy found us the same hotel for the same weekend for $760.  Still that was bit expensive so Dave and I decided to trade in some of our points.  In the end, we will be staying in a 5 star hotel during peak season at a top destination for just under $400.  Who knew our credit card would save us $600?  Technically we could have taken this weekend for free but I didn't want to use that many points.  The best part, we still have plenty of points to use for future getaways!  

10K per day

I'm hot and sweaty!  It's just after midnight and I was rushing to get my ten thousand steps in for the day.  It resets at midnight and I sat on my butt most of the day so I had a lot of catching up to do before it went back to zero.  I made it though and finished the night with 10,173 steps all of which were down pacing back and forth between the living room and kitchen.   My arbitrary goal for September is to walk 10K steps a day and so far with a third of the month completed, I've been successful.  According to my FitBit, I've walking a total of 130,017 steps or the equivalent of  53.59 miles and climbed 131 floors in the past ten days.  I love this little guy!  I haven't been using it to track my sleep but if I wanted to, I could track that as well.

1/3 of the way done... 2/3 to go! Go me!

Being cranky

Today started out tough for me.  I'm not sure why exactly as I slept really well last night if not as many hours as I'm used to and I'd slept plenty the day before.  Still, the first hour of work seemed to drag endlessly and all I wanted was to go back to sleep my entire shift.  On the bright side the struggle with sleep helped me eat.  When I got home I was feeling tired and cranky so I took at nap.  Later I woke up feeling hungry and cranky.  Even after I ate I was still just feeling a bit irritated.  I want to document this because it's the increase in being irritated by things that most worries me about decreasing my medication.

Thinking about it, my medications didn't exactly make me "happier" but I noticed a huge difference in my irritation level.  When I wasn't on the medication I would get irritated by the littlest, most inconsequential things.  I would find that I would be annoyed by the way someone said something, their tone, their body language, things that they aren't even aware of.  Later I would find myself snapping at them and they would get annoyed that I was annoyed.  On my medication that seemed to subside a bit.  So now that it's decrease, I'm trying to be more aware of it creepy it's head back into my daily life.

If it does seem to be creeping back into my life then maybe I need the increased dosage.  I hope not but really it's not fun being cranky and irritated all the time.  It's not fun for me but it totally sucks for those around me who have to deal with it.  I never leave a get together with a friend who was cranky the whole time and think "wow, I can't wait to see that person again!"  I don't want to be that cranky friend or wife.  I'll have to continue to keep my eye on it.

Saturday!

It's quarter after 11pm and I'm snacking on the chocolate chip cookies and milk we purchased at Quincy Market this evening. It was our last stop before coming home.  We left this afternoon to go for a walk and with no other plans to be anywhere allowed the day to take us where we pleased.  We started in Newton near one of his clients walking around the center and the neighborhood nearby.  Stopping at J.P. Licks, I got a kiddie peanut butter cookie dough ice cream and it was absolutely delicious.  While eating our ice cream it got ridiculously windy so we got back into the car and decided to drive toward Boston.

After driving no more than ten minutes we came upon the Chestnut Hill Reservoir.  It was beautiful and I still needed to walk many more steps before meeting my daily goal so we walked around it.  A part of me really liked the area.  The best is that it wasn't all that far from Dave's clients which is the main reason why we've prolonged moving toward Boston.  That and money, of course.  This area had it all: tennis courts, an ice rink, a community pool, a walking area around the reservoir, and the Cleveland Circle T-stop.   A possibility perhaps?

This second walk makes me begin to feel hungry and as we continue driving into Boston I mention getting some dinner in the North End.  At the time it seemed like a good idea.  Unable to find parking we parked at the Boston Waterfront.  Holy cow that place is lovely.   However, walking up and down the streets of the North End at 6pm on a Saturday evening was not a good idea if we wanted to eat at a reasonable hour.  Somehow we ended up at Quincy Market and at the restaurant that serves the best Lobster Cobb Salad.  Despite feeling very under dressed in workout clothing we thoroughly enjoyed our meal topping it off with cookies.

What a wonderful day/night.  I really wish we had more days like that.  It makes you realize just how valuable it was having Sundays off too.

Not yet

One of my coworkers found a new job and we threw her a going away bash at work.  Between pizza, cake, and cookies there were tears and wishes of luck.  Honestly, I'm happy for her.  Our job was really stressful for her.  There were a few times that we would here her crying after some jerk chewed her out.   She deserves better but she's so nervous about starting somewhere else.  Like me, she suffers from anxiety as well.  What is about that place that attracts us anxious folks?  The hours were hard on her as well.

Her leaving was the motivating force to get me to work tonight.  It was miserable.  For some reason I found myself feeling depressed and anxious before work.  It wasn't work related though.  It was that slippery reason: one that when you think you've figured it out it just slips through your fingers.  Eventually I think I figured it out but I pushed it back down.  I'm not ready to deal with the ramifications of that one.   Over time I think I'll determine a course of action but before work it was just too much and I don't feel like going into it again.

Question for you all

Today it was suggested that I post once a week instead of posting daily.  That way I could spend a whole week crafting a post so that I post something I enjoy rather than the "I don't want to write" kind of posts.   In addition, I was told that the vague posts can just be irritating.   If I don't want to talk about it, why would I mention it?   I'm taking this critique seriously.

Of course, I will not stop writing on a daily basis but I do like the idea of possibly censoring my posts.    I've developed the habit of writing daily and I wrote daily for almost two years in this public forum where I've been open and honest.  I've allowed those closest to me to read my thoughts as I think them.  But really, that's not what everyone necessarily wants to read.   Sure there's a part of me that can't help think, "I'm writing this for me, not for others.  Who cares if someone doesn't like it?"  

On the other hand, is that really fair?  I mean, I'm vague because I know others are reading it.  I'm not writing about the things that I would if it were truly just for me.  Perhaps it is time to really launch that other blog and make this private.  Then again, I already share what I want to, when I want to.  I share them in person rather than exposing it for all to read.  A lot of times I'm still trying to figure things out through posting and writing.

Dear readers, what are your thoughts?  Are the rest of you irritated by the vagueness?  Would you rather read things once a week?  If you are loving what I'm doing let me know.  Maybe I can give those who don't mind reading those nonsense posts full access once I make the shift.   I know this blog is not easy to comment on but you are all so good about letting me know what you think.  Really, I want you to be honest.  I can take it.

It's a walk!

The whole snake-hiding-in-theAC-vent served as massive motivation to walk to Barnes and Nobles rather than drive.  Walking certainly gives you a different perspective than driving.  What is normally  a comfortable, five minute drive, turned into an almost 2 hour walk up and down paved hills with a pitstop at the mall for sustenance.  Considering I hadn't had anything other than a diet coke before I left, nutrition was very much needed.

Had I been driving, I would have gone straight for B&N, felt hungry, and purchased some silly pastry at the B&N cafe.  Walking made me realize that I needed to eat something a little bit more substantial.  With the mall and it's food cafe and cool AC being on the way, logic dictated that I stop in!  I cut through the mall which is actually a shortcut towards B&N!  No pastries or coffee for me this time!  Instead I indulged in a crepe filled with lettuce, hummus, olives, and other delicious veggies.  Add water and it was a fabulous and far more healthy meal than baked sugar products.

Also, this is Dave typing and Denise doesn't have anything else written in her notebook for this post. She's drunk and passed out now SO NOW I HAVE THE CONTROL! HAHAHA!!!!!!1111oneone

P.S. She's a cute drunk!

Snake in the CAR!!

WTF!

I was going to right about my thoughts on the Bible until I saw this on my Facebook wall.   Yes, it's real and yes I did a Google search to find this has happened before to others.  What the hell?  The car is one of the few places I feel safe and now I'm going to be constantly thinking about this every time I go into the car until it gets too cold for them to exist.  I can't even begin to describe how scared I am.  This has happened while people were driving!!  Yes, while driving!  If this happens while I'm driving it will be an absolute miracle if I don't get into a car accident.  

I'm terrified.  Absolutely, 100% terrified.  What am I going to do?  Gaah!

Labor Day

Woot!  Made it through 7 hours of work with time and a half.  It is Labor Day after all.  Honestly I wish most days were like today: nice and quiet.  The biggest downside is that it's now just passed 8pm and I'm super tired.  Still made the most of the day by going for a walk around Walden Pond.  I kind of wish I'd had my bathing suit because watching all those people swim in the peaceful water made me want to jump in along with them.  I was going to take a shower when I got home but I hate going to bed with wet hair and there's no way my hair will be dry by the time I go to bed.  

I hope I don't too much of a second wind.  I would like to go to bed early tonight.  One more day of work tomorrow before another day off.  It's weird.  Everyone is getting ready to go back to work and I'm looking forward to the weekend being over.  Alright I'm going to relax and watch this crappy Lifetime movie.  Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Saving

After working nine and a half hours today I will working again tomorrow.  Because of the holiday I was supposed to have it off but we had issue and they needed some extra help.  Since labor day is one of the few holidays that we get paid time and a half for I decided why not get the extra money.  We really want to purchase an SLR camera so we are trying to save for that along with meeting our Disney savings goal.   So the extra hours will help toward that.   Right now we are on track to being able to go to Disney with enough to pay the hotel, food, and any other little extras we might want to enjoy but how cool would it be to be able to afford the camera before then!  If not, it will have to suffice as a Christmas gift for ourselves.  I mean we're going to Disney World so we'll be grateful for that.  Sadly it means that I'm working tomorrow.

I love my husband.  I really, really do.  Sometimes I just look at him and wonder how I got so lucky to meet him and eventually marry him.  It's almost a year since we got married and I can't believe how fast it's gone.   I really hope that everyone finds someone who will make them feel the way I feel when I'm with him. We are just on the same page with so many things.  Like this whole saving thing.  I mean, he is the breadwinner.  He could go out and purchase the SLR camera and the components for the computer he wants to build but he wants to actually wants to have the money for it before purchasing it.  It's awesome that he wants to save for things as much as I do.  He's the best.

Beach House

What a wonderful beach day!  It was the perfect day to spend on the sand.  The best part was we didn't go with the masses.  One of my wedding guests built their home on the beach.  Seriously.  Her husband is a builder or he was before he retired.  In fact, he built almost half the homes on our street (not ours though).   They've done well and when he retired he needed a new project.  So they bought a house on Salisbury beach and tore it down.  We saw a photo of the old place and it was nice but he wanted to build it from the ground up and he did.

This house was beyond gorgeous.  A little huge for my liking (their master bedroom was the size of our apartment) but my goodness, it was absolutely beautiful.   You walk into main room with wall to wall windows looking out at the ocean.   Of course we entered through the porch at the back so when we turn away from gaping through the windows we see an enormous kitchen and dining room.  Moving through the kitchen we walked into the  Paris themed guest room created specifically for her mom before she passed away.  I'm glad she was able to enjoy it once though.

Super cool aspect was that he created a bathroom with a door to the outside so that when his kids come over they can use the beach and the bathroom without gaining access to the rest of the house.  This particular bathroom has it's own key and the door leading into the actual house locks so that they can use the bathroom but can't have tons of parties.  Going upstairs led to the girls' bedroom for when they stay over and the incredible master bedroom and bathroom.  It was massive with a walk-in closet that also has a view of the ocean.  When they wake up, they are surrounded by views of the ocean.  It's so pretty.

That in and of itself would have been enough but there was also an "attic" which just might of been the coolest part.  The ceiling of the attic looked as if a boat had capsized.  The room included more amazing views, a siting area, and a bar (almost like a mini kitchen).  I walked in and thought, "okay, all I need is a Murphy bed and for that to be a real kitchen and I could live here."  I could totally live in a studio.  The best part of the house though were all the little details including an accurate compass as part of the floor in the main room, the dining room table that had a glass top with sand and seashells underneath.  It was so cool.  I wish we had taken a picture of it because it was great.

Even though the beach is public since the house isn't near any public parking places and there aren't any easily accessible entrances few people crowded the area where we were.  It was amazing.  Labor day weekend and we had more than enough beach for everyone.  The whole day was just a great time but that house really blew me away.  Dave and I left saying, "now if we can only build something similar but smaller."