Wonderful feeling, Wonderful Day

Today was a super amazing day but I'm also super exhausted so this entry will be short.  I awoke this morning to giant banging noises outside of my apartment.  I have absolutely no idea what was causing these sounds but it sounded like a car slamming into the dumpster over and over again.  When that finally ceased, the small children upstairs must have decided it was time to race around their apartment as the loud patter of little feet slamming into our ceiling.  Though I was pretty awake by this point, I hoped I could get another hour but alas our apartment complex decided that 9am would be the perfect time to fix up the newly vacated apartment above us on the other side. 

Despite the early awakening, I was grateful.  Dave and I were able to go to Weight Watchers early to get weighed in and then we drove to Newburyport where we had lunch and bought perfume fragrances that are truly fantastic from a small local shop in town.  We had a lovely conversation while we were out and about before he dropped me off at my parents so my mom and I could have a mother/daughter day with my best friend and her mom.  We went to this small restaurant/antique store in Haverhill that I've never been to before and it was so cute and the food was delicious.  Our great food was accompanied by better conversation before the visiting psychic came and gave us each tarot card readings.

Normally I don't take too much stock in tarot card readings.  I've had some relatively accurate ones and some completely off based ones.  Oddly enough, some of my best readings were delivered by a friend in college (who was not a proclaimed psychic) and I'll be honest I approached it with more nervousness than excitement.  The last psychic I went to told me Dave wasn't the right guy for me and I was totally not prepared to hear that again.  Luckily, that didn't come up at all and my reading was quite literally dead on accurate.  Turns out that everyone also had readings that made complete sense.   I'm not going to go into it now because I prefer to discuss it with Dave before typing it out here but I may fill people in tomorrow.  Our final consensus was that we will definitely be doing this again in the future (with another set of tarot readings). 

After our readings, I went and hung out with Jamie and we talked about everything from our readings to our pasts, to the dynamics within our friendships, and even dabbled in discussions of movies and politics.  It's something I always love about my friendship with her.  I feel like there is no topic that is off limits and we could go on for hours.  Had I not had to work tomorrow morning and not been so tired, I'm sure we might have even talked longer.  But alas, it is also late for her too as she's used to waking up early for work in the mornings as well.  Anyway, this entry turned out to be longer than I originally anticipated but it was such a good day that I at least had to give a simple overview of each part.  Now, however, it's off to bed and I'm looking forward to that too.

I'm writing in circles again but I don't want to edit it

I need another job.  This is not to say that my current job is terrible or the worst place to work because it's not.  My coworkers are amazing, I'm compensated well enough for what I do, I was able to work part time while I tried to pursue a teaching career and in most cases my callers aren't that bad.  It's just that I need a change of pace and I'll be honest working in a call center type of environment is not what I envisioned for my career.  That said, I have far too much going on right now to add job hunting to my list of things I'm doing on a daily basis.  As it is, I am currently working with a local temp agency to see if they can find something that would work within my current schedule.   Not to mention that it would be difficult on an interview to explain that come October, I'll need two weeks of vacation for my honeymoon.  Finding another job just isn't feasible right now.

I am worried about the reality of my situation though.  In some ways, the fact that my company isn't completely horrible makes it more difficult.  There's a certain level of comfortability within my job.   I understand what's expected of me.  They are aware of what's going on in my personal like and have been graciously accommodating.  In truth though, I find myself feeling frustrated and anxious about it more frequently than I should and even with that, there's the general feeling of "at least I know where this company is seriously lacking, who knows what it's like out there."  In some ways, I feel like it's similar to my dating experiences.  I knew my relationship with my most recent ex had some critical flaws and many things that I really disliked.  However, there were so many times when I thought, "but he treats me well and he is such a nice guy."  

He did treat me well and he was there for me during some difficult times in my life but I couldn't talk to him.  Having a conversation about anything deeper than what either of us did that day was very difficult.  There were so many times when I'd encounter something during the day and want to discuss it with him but he just never seemed interested.  We couldn't talk for hours about nothing and everything at the same time and for me, that was something that I needed.  I knew I needed it then but I overlooked it because I was afraid that I might not find someone as good to me.  In the end, we just weren't right for each other.  I will always respect him and am very happy that he is getting married this year as well but I'm very glad that we are not marrying each other.  Just as much as he wasn't right for me, I was not right for him.  I couldn't give him what he was looking for either.  

What I've realized by being with Dave is that I don't just want someone who is good to me but someone who is good for me.  It doesn't seem like there's a big difference, but it's huge.  Dave not only treats me well but I feel like he brings out the best in me; maybe not all the time but some of the time at least.  When I'm with him, I want more from myself in a good way.  He makes me feel like I can actually be that person I've always envisioned or dreamed that I could be.  I have a very strong personality and he enjoys that but he also doesn't let me get too carried away and I need that.  I like having certain boundaries.  I want to know what's acceptable and what's not in relationships and outside of them.  No, it's not acceptable to throw a temper tantrum like a five year old when you can't get ideal wedding venue.  It's not okay to freak out because the dishes weren't done and that somehow translates into him not caring about me or our relationship.  Let's face, I can be completely irrational at times and it's good to have someone who will be there to let me know that it won't be tolerated in loving and healthy way.  

In many ways, I need these characteristics in the workplace too.  I want proper and appropriate boundaries along with a certain amount of freedom.  I don't want to be micromanaged but at the same time I don't want the freedom to sit and surf the web all day.  I want to take pride in my work and not only have it be good to me but for me as well.  When I envision a career, I seek a certain amount of ownership.  Right now, if I call in sick or am out a day, someone else will answer the phones and handle the work that needs to be handled.  The plus side to this is I never come in and feel like I'm super behind but the downside is that I don't feel like I'm doing anything of any value.   I used to really want to make a difference in the world through my work but I've realized that there are many ways to make a difference and that it doesn't necessarily have to be where you work.  I want to feel productive and to end the day when a sense of accomplishment rather than, "yay, I don't through another day without flipping out."

What I'm trying to say is that I don't want to stay at my current job just because it's comfortable and because I know it.  Sure, there are many positives to working there and I plan to continue to work there until the time is right for me to really begin the hunt.  I just don't want to stay there forever.  That said, I do recognize that now is not the time to take on that challenge.  Job hunting is a bleak and discouraging process that requires a lot of hard work and persistence.  Right now, I can't devote that kind of time.  I think that worries me in many ways.  At the moment, I desperately need my job.  With the wedding and the merging of finances, there's a lot of money that needs to get earned and I am constantly worried that something might happen now that will cause me to loose my current job.  I feel trapped and I freak out but really I just need to relax and do what I can to continue making a positive contribution to my company until the time comes that I can really step out of the box.  I just need to take it one day at a time. 

Thank goodness I have the day off tomorrow.  

Inner feeling

Sometimes I feel fear for no reason at all.  It's not simple this fear for it lacks all proper response.  It stands invisible within my spirit; there's nowhere to run and nothing to fight.  My biological instincts have no defense against the type of fear that comes from so deep.   While in the midst of this fear I am easily reminded that I haven't really faced any sort of tumultuous reality.  At the moment, I'm at the end of the novel, Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden.  What a well written piece of literature.  This man seems to be able to capture the feelings of a young girl sold into the world of the geisha as he details her coming of age story.  Reading it, I'm reminded of there are circumstances I'll hopefully never have to learn first hand.  My life is nor was anything like the protagonist and yet I feel like I can directly understand her feelings in certain situations.  There's also that knowledge that I shouldn't understand them.

It's this strange duality that I hate to recognize.  Instead, I insist on only seeing just how badly things could be rather than facing that particularly unpleasant piece of my life.  Normally this works out well for me but it's times like this when I glance at the man next to me with the feeling of such incredible love that this realization of how badly things could be emerges and the intangible fear encompasses me.  I'm terrified that this is just illusion and that one day the powers that be will realize a mistake was made and take it all away.  A long time ago when I was just trying to figure out what it means to be in love with someone, I became convinced that such a love would never exist for me.  Not once did I deny its existence; it was just meant for others and not myself.  Somewhere along the way, I resigned myself to the fact that honest love would not find me.  In my head, I had missed my opportunity and you don't get second chances.  Still, despite finding it and being able to touch and feel him right now if I choose to, I still remain convinced that I lost my chance all those years ago; that somehow what I have is wrong and not meant for me.

These feelings are permanent fixtures and it doesn't seem to matter who says anything to the contrary.  They don't know what I've given up.  My therapist says that I'm resistant to the idea that I'm a "victim."  Maybe she's right but that word isn't used for people like me but rather true recipients of catastrophe.  The word "victim" is for the person who was unable to get out of their situation.  Maybe they were kidnapped or tortured by some malicious sadistic person.  Or maybe they were in the wrong place at the wrong time when mother nature unleashed her power.  They didn't have a choice; they couldn't just walk away for the tsunami or the locked room where they were held captive.  Yes, bad things might have happened to me but in the end I allowed them.  I continued to go back and allow it again and again and again.   So easily, I could have put a stop to it all and broken it off and yet I didn't.  That does not make me a victim; that makes a willing participant.  Everything that was done I could have stopped.  I could have just said, "no" loudly and clearly and stood by it but I didn't.  I was given plenty of chances and I couldn't do what was needed until much later and only then because I was physically able to leave it.  No, I am not a victim.

I've come to a point where I've lost myself in my own words and feelings.  Though I'd like to explain how above thoughts of not being an actual victim and not believing this happiness is meant for me are intertwined.  They go hand in hand but I can't go into how because I don't really know.  Here is where the knot of this thread lies and right now all I can do is rest before I continue on in the effort to untie it.

Healthy Choices

Phew!  I'm tired tonight and it's not 2am!  Although this makes me really happy and content, it does not inspire me to write anything that poetic or anything at all actually.  So small talk:  Oh my! If you are in the Boston area, did you go outside today?  It was absolutely gorgeous and so incredibly refreshing!  We've had a few cool, rainy days recently and I'm really anticipating the warm weather too much.  The earlier bout of beautifulness was a tease and it's just made so much more anxious for the days when I can wear short sleeves without a sweater and be comfortable.

In other news I spent quite a lot of time today getting my exercise on and looking for inspirational photos online.  So far, I've found a couple but my Inspiration board on Pinterest is just not quite where I want it to be just yet.  The hunt thus continues but every little bit helps, right?   Also, Katie introduced me to Sparkpeople some time ago and I think this might be a decent platform to move to from Weight Watchers.  Not that I dislike Weight Watchers.  Quite the contrary.  Though I can't say I'm a notorious "dieter" by nature, both times that I've attempted to lost weight with Weight Watchers, I have lost the weight.  The program works and it works well.  It's also one of the more healthier diets that are out there because it's one that can be incorporated into a lifestyle.   It's my personal opinion that the best tools are the ones that change your food choices rather than the ones that eliminate food groups or force you to only buy their food to guarantee success.  Sure, Weight Watchers has it's own brand of food but I don't have to just eat that to see results.

However, despite the success we've found with Weight Watchers, it's quite draining on our wallets.  We cannot continue to shell out $40 a month for each of us for the rest of our lives.  That's $720 a year and let's face it: there are a lot of things we could buy and places we could go with that money.  Sparkpeople seem to be a relatively similar type of thing except that it's free and you count calories rather than points.  My biggest issue with the site is just that it's so busy.  You click on it and you feel overwhelmed and bombarded by articles and so many features.  It's a healthy living social network on crack.  Normally, I prefer my tools to be a bit more simplistic and streamlined but maybe I just haven't navigated the site long enough yet to figure out it's nooks and crannies to get it to work for me.  What it does have is a place where you can log what you eat and when you exercise and that's what I need.  The Wii fit Body Test does the similar job of tracking how much we gain/loose so it gives us the accountability we need.   The combination will probably work out well.

Today was my first real day actually using Sparkpeople, so I'll probably write more about it at a later date. Let's just see how it works out for now.

Dance Dance Revolution

Guess who got DDR for the Wii?  Yeah, that's right.  Dave dragged me into Game Stop the other day and I discovered that they had a version for the Wii.  All this time I was thinking I was going to need to spend more money and purchase another gaming system entirely just for one simple game but turns out I no longer have to which makes me super happy.   When I got home from work tonight, I played it for about an hour and oh my goodness I totally forgot how much of a workout it used to give me.  As someone who doesn't sweat normally, I managed to lose a bit of water weight for that exercise alone.  I completely forgot how much fun it was though not quite the same without taking turns with my college friends. 

When I was freshman in college, Alli and I each bought a DDR pad (or maybe just me because she already had one) and we began a mini fad.  She had vast amounts of experience from her days of playing before it came out for the Play Station 2.  For her, she had to learn at the arcade where every turn cost money and there was no way to turn off the failure setting.  You failed a song, you paid more.  Alli, being one of my more practical friends probably found herself needed to learn quickly to get the most for her dollar and by the time we began dancing in college she was pretty awesome at it.  I, on the other hand, had only seen it and maybe tried it once or twice but I couldn't stomach the cost (not that there was an arcade close enough for me to invest it). 

I did remember the arcade version and I knew that it would be the most perfect way to ward off the freshman fifteen.  So I bought a second pad and the dancing ensued.   It was quite comical watching the two of us for Alli would be dancing like a crazy person and I would be just trying to step on the right pad at the right time.  However, that dynamic worked in a weird way to get people involved.  I was the person to show that anyone could do it and suck and have a wonderful time while Alli showed what you could eventually get to if you continued to play. 

One night, my friend Ryan and I literally stayed up all night just the two us determined to get the grade of B at the basic level.  Finally as the sun came up, both of us were danced out.  I think he managed to actually score a B; however, there was still more work ahead for me.  Many all-nighters later, we all eventually became quite decent at the game and it became a great way to get to know each other and just hang out having fun.  Most freshmen in college indulge in the world of binge drinking and partying, but not us.  Yet somehow, I think we managed to have just as much fun and probably more fun than most college freshmen.  While I was playing tonight, I remembered fondly some of the jokes associated with us playing and that quiet pang of the past briefly encompassed my heart.  Those were really fun days. 

Still, playing it today brought me sheer joy that is once I got past the fact that all the songs are famous US pop songs.  Part of what I loved about DDR was the J-Pop and the songs sung in cute Engrish.  Granted, Lady Gaga has made the j-pop sound mainstream here in the U.S. so that lessens some of dislike. Also, the songs that I've been able to unlock are j-pop and that makes me super happy.   I'm so excited to have it here and to be able to play it whenever I want to (maybe I'll even try the Wii remote and add the arm motions).  Another incredibly fun video to help me work out.  Throughout high, I longed for the day that video games would be more physically interactive and that day is here and I couldn't be happier about it. 

Brief Update

You would think that after writing for over 110 days now, I would have it down by now.   Still, though I continue to forget.  Even just now, I was about to go to sleep, was literally laying down with my eyes closed before realizing, "ah, I didn't write."  Something about today had me in a giant funk.   I woke up late, didn't want to go to work, and just wanted to be lazy and do absolutely nothing all day.  

Somehow, I managed to drag myself to work and have a decent evening despite my general mood.  Really, I think I just felt overwhelmed by life.  There is just so much going on; so many people to contact and work with and things to do.  Dave and I both had one of those, "I don't want to deal with it days."  However, when I got home from work I took a nice relaxing bath while Dave wrote down a list of the things to do for the wedding.  It's all little stuff now but important stuff.  Last week, I didn't write what was needed for the website so that will be again my charge for this week.  We also managed to go over the bills and I transferred money to the appropriate funds to pay them off in the next couple of days.  It's amazing how much weight is taken off your shoulders just by that simple task.  To know that you are still on track is a good and relaxing feeling.

We then spent the last hour watching a special on Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady.  Despite him winning three Super Bowls for my home team, I never really knew his story.  Everyone revered him and I just didn't see beyond the preface of "yeah he's an amazing player, but no I don't want his babies thank you."  No, I still do not want Tom Brady babies but the special did give me a new respect for him and provides yet another example of the underdog story.  It was a feel good moment that topped of the evening of lessening burdens.  Now to tackle tomorrow.

Pen vs. Keyboard

Writing with a pen is different than typing on a keyboard.  Right now, I'm writing on a small notepad on the way home from Easter dinner at my parents.  The car jostles over the bumpy freeway in need of an actual repair job rather than quick patchwork to keep the roads from ripping apart.

Why am I writing in a car going 75 miles per hour, in the dark, while rain soaks the road, making pitter-patter noises on the windshield?  Because I'm utterly exhausted.  My goal is to go home, type this up into blog form, post it, and fall into bed.  Changing into pajamas is optional; if I manage to take my shoes off before my slumber, I will be very happy.

Like I said when I first began, writing pen to paper feels vastly different.  Not necessarily better but not worse either.  When I was younger, only handwritten journal entries would do.  I had some sort of mental block where I firmly believed it was impossible to type out my thoughts.  I needed the pen.

Possibly those opinions were derived from years of academic essays where each paper required some sort of formal structure, analytical thoughts, all with a standard thesis and conclusion.  Typing on a keyboard was how I processed written "works" to be judged, graded, and play some role in my school career.  It was not a place I went to let go of my thoughts and allowed myself to open my heart.  I'm glad I was able to make that switch because in the end, I type far faster than I write and my thoughts are given more freedom.  Not that they always need that.  Like now for example!  With that, good night!

Expressing Oneself

If you could paint a backdrop to your life, 

what would you paint?

What images, words, and colors would 

you use to show the indescribable?

We may not consider ourselves to be artists

however we do everything we can to put

our own unique personal stamp on the world

getting discouraged by any lack of expression.

Our primary canvases place on easels

but on our bodies and within our homes.  

We choose to express or hide through the 

use of garments or four large walls. 

What does our clothing say or not say about us?

Are we girly and whimsical in bright yellow sundresses

or are we fully, sexy woman running our own lives 

in sleek and fitted office attire?  

How do our living rooms reflect our interests? 

What does our furniture placement, wall colors, 

light fixtures, and wall portraits say about us?

Do they convey what we wish them to?  

The media capitalizes on this notion: 

You are what you wear and where you live!

Though I would argue that we are so much more

than how we look and what we own.

If we were displaced from our homes without

our staple outfits of fashion, would we not be ourselves?

Would we panic by the idea that no one would know

how to interpret who we are?  

No, we would worry about our family and our friends

wanting to know where they are and if they're okay.

Who we choose to befriend and what we do 

will allow more insight to who we are.  

How important is it to remember what matters and what doesn't?

Sure, pursuing our sense of style and expressing ourselves 

is more than fun and says a lot about us 

but it is not everything that we are, and that's a good thing.

Tension

I carry all my tension in my shoulders just like my mother.  When I was younger I'd rub her shoulders until my hands would ache which would never take very long and marvel at how tight they were.  Somewhere along the way, I too have the same issues.  Certified massage therapists ask what I am doing to cause so much stress and I don't really have an answer.  My life is not that stressful so I don't know where it all comes from.  Getting a massage is the luxury I've given to myself since I had my meltdown and I've come to cherish my time in the small, dark room where I lie under a heated blanket.   I pay for a membership once a month and I didn't go to a couple so I have quite a few left over.  I actually went to one two weeks in a row because my first masseuse said that she couldn't get all the knots out and when the second one began rubbing my shoulders, she thought it had been a month since my last massage and said I should get them more frequently.  When I told her it was only a week ago, she was shocked.

Like I said, I really don't know where the tension comes from.  Sure my job and my life have their moments but it's not so bad.  Sometimes I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders but then scoff at myself because I don't have the slightest clue what that would even begin to feel like.  I seem to have a difficult time handling the small stressors in life now; I doubt I could handle anything massive.  That idea bothers me because I always want to be that "strong" person who can handle whatever comes her way with grace and ease.  In truth though I don't know if I could handle the things that so many people have to deal with all the time.  People with lives far more difficult than mine carrying the burden of past pains completely unknown and overwhelming to me.  There are so many days when I want to do something that will affect the world but in reality, I can't hardly handle the tension caused by me trying to do something that will affect myself.

Conversation is more than enough

Sometimes I just need to begin writing.  For the past fifteen minutes I've sat here just staring at the blank blog screen and haven't typed anything.  I just had to start typing because something is bound to come.  It's late and I'm not feeling my best.  My nose is runny and I'm just feeling lethargic overall.  It's that time of the month for me so this is normal but it's also the seemingly allergic reaction that's bugging me more.  Took an Zyrtec, two advil, and have a heating pad pressed to my tummy and hoping that I would feel better soon. 

Got to spend a few hours with Katie today and it was really good to see her.  It's nice just to sit down and talk to her for a while.  For me, I love the fact that I can just sit on the couch all day and just have a meandering conversation about topics of the moment with a good friend.  We don't have to go anywhere special or do anything extravagant to have a good time.  Of course, we also have a super fun time doing things but I like just being able to chill.  We talked a lot about eating well, the trials and tribulations of keeping house, and all kinds of things.  She's one of my friends who's never afraid to say what's on her mind and we discussed how much I value that.  There have been times when I don't necessary want to hear it, but it's good nonetheless.  Unlike myself, she does take the time to think about what she says before she says it so as to soften the blow if it's something that she knows probably isn't going to sit well with me.  It was a decent conversation.   

Today was one of those days when I think about my family and friends and am so grateful.  I hung out with Katie and had a really nice time but on the way home I also thought about my other relationships with Jamie, Alli, my sister, and my parents.  Not to mention Dave and how awesome his friends are too.  I'm so incredibly lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people.  I love them all and I'm super grateful for each of them.  

I almost forgot... again

Ugh! I totally forgot to write tonight and I was just about to go to bed when I remembered I hadn't.  I'm absolutely exhausted and jealous that Dave is already asleep next to me.  However, a promise is a promise and I didn't want to not write no matter how tired I am.  I haven't missed a day yet and I'd like to keep it that way as long as possible.  Not to mention that falling asleep this second might feel lovely now but I'll be super depressed and mad at myself tomorrow morning.

These past couple of weeks have been strange.  I haven't been on my computer or online for any other reason except to post in my blog and as a result am totally behind.  Seriously, I just checked my e-mail and there are some really important ones that I only just read.  So I apologize if I haven't responded and I will do my best to get back to you tomorrow.  Now that we've rearranged the apartment, I'm less inclined to plop down on the couch and do nothing for hours.  Honestly, I kind of like the heightened activity more; but I need to find that balance between spending all day doing nothing but surf online and not touching it at all for four days.  Life isn't all or nothing. Denise.

In good news, I got to see my parents today! It's been a super long time (for me anyway) since I saw them last and I had a good night.  Also, I'm seeing Katie tomorrow and I'm very excited for that. It's been forever since her and I just hung out and I'm looking forward to it.

One of those update posts again...

Another Tuesday night done! I've completed my workout this evening and once I'm finished writing this post I'll be ready to go to bed.  Unfortunately I have to wake up early to bring my car to the shop.  My heat/ac seems to have stopped working entirely.  Last summer, my dial that switches between the vents popped off so I've spent the last year driving around with only a defogger which meant almost no ac during the summer and just enough heat in the winter if I was smart enough to start it a few minutes before I had to drive.  Now, it appears to have just stopped working together so off I go to get it checked.  I figured, since I'm almost at 60,000 miles on it I'll get a check up done too.  Honestly, I really wish I didn't have to primarily because car work even minor things always end up costing me seriously cash and frankly I have a lot of things I want to use my money on.  

Hopefully when I get home from dropping Dave off at work, I won't go back to sleep.  I've been sleeping super late these past two days and that almost always means that I'll need a nap sometime during the day tomorrow.  But really, I'm hoping that I won't have to and I can get some more of my tasks done.  Dave and I haven't particularly worked on the apartment since Sunday so I'm hoping to do a little tomorrow along with actually posting something on our wedding website like who we are and whose in our bridal party.  Yesterday, I wrote down the names of each of my ladies and created small notes about them and our relationship to help assist me in writing their blurbs.  I'm not worried about them though, I could write about my friends all day.

It's writing about Dave and me and how we met that has me all worried.  I absolutely abhor writing anything about myself.  Sure this blog is all about me but there isn't that need to state who I am in a short paragraph or even page.  I hate that.  I don't think I've done a "who am I?" post because frankly, reading this blog should give a pretty good idea.  I'm also not to big on the "How did you two meet?" or "How did he propose?"  Yes, our meeting story was quite interesting and Dave prepared a wonderful proposal twice because I totally messed up the first one but it's not something I feel the need to discuss with the world.  The night we met we spent the whole night talking just the two of us and the proposal was a private affair even if it was done in the middle of Boston (we were secluded) so the stories are really personal and special to me.  It just seems strange to have to place all down on paper but really, why else have a wedding website if not to tell your story or show your engagement pictures or link to the things you hope people will buy for you? 

So tomorrow, I'll try and make that a priority.  We'll see how that goes.  

Financial Responsibility

While working out tonight, I watched a couple of Frontline episodes on the credit card industry and the recession.  It helps remind me that although I strongly dislike my job and feel like it doesn't quite suit me, I'm lucky I actually have a job.  There are so many people that are out of work and struggling.  Walking into work I was feeling really down thinking, "I'm a year and a half past my mid twenties with a college degree working at an entry level customer service position along with others who graduated from high school."  It was depressing to think about how behind I am for my age but watching something like this I remember what's important.  It's important that I am making enough money to pay for my bills and there is still hope that there will be a turn around.  There are so many people who are in worse shape.

It makes me so sad though to know that so many people are destitute and it doesn't seem fair.  These people are hard working individuals who didn't deserve to lose their jobs. Watching these people struggle to keep their homes and pay back their debt really puts things back into perspective.  One of the bigger things that it reminded me was how important paying down our debt is... I learned a couple of weeks ago that declaring bankruptcy does not cover student loans.  Not that we are anywhere close to that point, most of our debt is in student loans so even the worst case scenario like bankruptcy does not absolve us of that debt.  That's intense and not a place I ever want to find myself or anyone I care about.  

With that said, I've talked with a couple of friends who have filed in the past and they said that though they wish they learned from filing before filing, they are happy that it happened.  This terrible economy is like that too.  In many ways, the best thing that happened was that I couldn't find a great job that I loved and paid well just out of college.  This challenge to make ends meet otherwise teaches one about the value of a dollar and I'm glad this is a lesson I learned now before I saddled myself with more credit card debt, mortgage, student loans, and had a family to support.  Learning the same lesson then is so much more painful and the healing process so much more arduous.  

Despite my goal to tighten my budget, I don't believe in not living.  There are times when a haircut is necessary.  It's okay to eat out every now and then (though Dave and I do it far too frequently).  If you really want to do something and it doesn't put you further into debt meaning that you don't have to take out a loan or place it on a credit card because you actually can't afford it, then one should do it.  There's always the horrible chance that one may not get the opportunity to live and therefore we should enjoy life while we have it.  Maybe it means redefining what brings enjoyment.  Maybe one doesn't need the mini mansion to live in or the high end luxury vehicle to drive.  Another may prefer not to travel as often or go out as much.  

In the end, we define what makes us happy.  Maybe owning a home with many rooms and bathrooms fulfills one type of person or couple.  They may enjoy using their vacation time from work lounging around and enjoying their space.  Travelling may not be that high of a priority and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Another person who must commute long distances to work or drive their car frequently as part of their job may want a luxury vehicle as that's where they spend quite a long period of time each day.  For everyone, it's different.  For me, I enjoy actually going on a vacation when I have the days accrued.  Traveling is a very high priority for me; therefore, I don't mind a smaller apartment or driving a car normally driven by old people because I got an amazing deal on it.  

My long term goal is to continue to find new ways to live more economically but not stifle myself entirely.  Sure, engaging in zero activity outside of basic living expenses is an option that would definitely pay down my debt far more quickly.  However, for me so long as Dave and I are living below our means, are able to pay our bills, save regularly, and have a small financial cushion if something unexpected happens then you will find me at a moving theater or taking a small trip somewhere.  If anything changes and we are unable to live by those definitions then maybe not, but for right now living a financially responsible life is he practical goal and so far something we are achieving.  I am aware that it could change at any moment and if it does then we may have to change our approach but for now, we're extremely lucky to both be employed and have the opportunity for us to indulge in life's extra pleasures.  

A Work In Progress

Another Sunday night and I'm utterly exhausted as usual.  Waking up so early always throws me off and I don't know but work is really bumming me out recently.  I'm not really sure why exactly; I was doing okay with it for a while there.  Sure, it wasn't my favorite place to be but it didn't really bother me.  I'm just finding myself feeling super stressed out while I'm there recently.  My job isn't that stressful so I don't know what my problem is, really?  I'm not responsible for teaching small children how to read, running into burning buildings, or performing a twelve hour surgery on somebody.   So yeah, being so stressed makes me sort of feel like I can't handle life sometimes and that's hard to swallow somewhat.

The apartment is still a mess but we're making progress slowly but surely.  Right now, I'm not sure if all the furniture is quite working with this new layout but we're working on it.  It's difficult right now because we really can't afford to go out and get better furniture so right now we're facing the challenge of making what we have work for us the way we want.  My thinking is that once we officially clean up by going through and sorting and organizing a bit more, we'll have more open space so we'll really be able to see what we're working with and it will probably inspire me a bit more.  On the positive side, we went through our storage unit and were able to organize that getting rid of a lot of the stuff that we never use.  We still need to take photos so we can maybe sell some stuff on Craigslist because we have some really nice things that we hardly ever used and are almost in new condition but it seems overwhelming as neither or us have every sold anything on Craigslist.

The trick to this will be like everything else: just need to take it one step at a time.  One area and then another and then another.  I just need to have more patience with our pacing.  I'm not used to dividing these types of task over such a long time.  Whenever I used to clean in the past, it would be a full day affair and it would exhausting but it would be done.  Although, I've never actually done anything quite like this.  I feel like we are at the beginning stages of something bigger; like we are beginning to take on some of the smaller living concepts.  No, we are in no way planning to move to a 300 sq foot apartment anytime soon but we are trying to do what we can to get rid of our stuff.  Don't get me wrong, even as we reduce our things, we still have more than I know what to do with.  My thinking is that once we get everything sorted and we've downsized a bit, we'll wait a few weeks before bringing it all out again to see if there is more we can part with then that we aren't ready to now.  Yes, that's a very convoluted sentence but what can I say, I'm tired.

Alright I'm off to fold the laundry, take the Wii Fit test for today, and then hopefully crash in my warm comfy bed!

Rearranging Furniture

So tonight at 8pm Dave turned to me from his computer and said, "You want to rearrange the apartment?" We've been thinking about doing it for a long time, especially since I came up with a different idea a couple of months ago.  Originally, we wanted to go through clean, organized, and declutter the whole apartment first and then rearrange it.  When Dave asked me, imagine my surprise as I looked back at him and asked, "right now?"  He nodded and with a shrug of his shoulders that basically said, "why not?" What surprised me more than his question was the fact that I didn't fully hate the idea.

Needless to say, we spent the rest of night shifting things and moving heavy pieces of furniture.  I know I've mentioned this here on this blog before but we have so much stuff.  Actually, I realized tonight that the majority of our stuff is Dave's.  He says he's always known that it was mostly his but I was really shocked by it.  We have more computers, computer parts, and wires you would think we owned a small store.  Seriously, we have so many wires!  Seeing it all along with numerous other things that we still need to go through I began to feel super overwhelmed.  I didn't understand anything that I was looking at and had no idea how to help him go through it all.

We did everything to make sure I was comfortable meaning that I could get to my fridge and some counter space in my kitchen, there was enough floor space for us to get our Wii fitness tests, and our internet was back up and running so I could write my post and he was able to tackle all the cords. Still I feel badly that I can't help him but goodness knows that I'll have to go through my own crap soon enough.  Now that we've started, I'll admit I'm a bit excited for the final product and the new layout and I'm looking forward to continuing with it tomorrow.

Anyway, it's super late and I really need to be heading to bed because I need to head to work super early tomorrow morning.

Short update tonight

I had a tough day.  Nothing really happened to make it bad but it just didn't go well.  Probably had more to do with my mood than anything else.  Normally I'm not an emotional eater but all I wanted when I came home was some macaroni and cheese so I had some.  By some, I mean all.  Compound that with the giant cookie Jamie, Dave, and I shared yesterday I sort threw away some of my hard work earlier this week.  On the plus side, hopefully all that hard work will means that I didn't gain weight. Aside from those small snippets, I'm still going to allow myself to feel proud.  I joined Weight Watchers a couple of weeks ago but this week was really the first week I fully committed myself.

While I'm giving the update, I should just come out and say that since last week when I had my little freak out and I don't know what to do but had a "big choice to make" I'm doing a lot better.  On Monday morning I talked to my psychologist and really flushed out a lot of the feelings that were overwhelming me.  Although, I'm still not completely ready to discuss this here I did want to let everyone that what you read earlier was me still try to deal with whatever it is that I'm trying to deal with and therefore, freaking out.  It doesn't happen as often as it used but sadly, it does creep in and catch me when I don't expect.  And of course, it's always seem easier to spew my guts out when I'm freaking out than when things are going well.

Okay, I think that's it tonight.  I've had this headache that just won't go away so I'm going to call it quits early.

Haikus about random things

Light pink and sticky
Blowing bubbles is what's fun
Chew but don't swallow

Most enjoyable
during a hot summer day
kids try to sell it.

With multiple nodes
Sprays a pleasant aroma
Makes one feel sexy

Bitter and frothy
College students guzzle it
Can lead to problems

Provides warmth when cold
Normally used when sleeping
Soft and comfortable

Have an appointment?
Need to know what day that is?
That's why I exist!

Has multiple legs
Most people find them frightening
Bugs found in their webs

Immature lyrics
With an electronic beat
Enjoyed at dance clubs

Small Successes

I've had a really decent week so far regarding my health habits.  I feel like I've been sleeping better or rather I've finally accepted my sleeping patterns as something I can make work for me.   I've also been really good about tracking my food, meeting but not exceeding my point values, and making sure to spread my food intake throughout the day rather than just at the end of the day before bed. I've also made sure to find at least an hour everyday to actually get some exercise accomplished.  I'll admit, I've felt hungry over the course of this week but that could just be because I used to eat whenever I wanted to or was bored.

It's interesting how our bodies handle these healthier changes by feeling hungry and sore all the time.  Almost as if it doesn't want us to be healthier.  I get it though.  Our society has evolved to the point where accessing our food is easy and our definitions of success can be accomplished with far more sedentary activities.  We humans, however, have not evolved.  There is still the ever looming threat we will not always find food so easily be it from some horrific natural disaster, war, or societal collapse and our bodies want us to be prepared for that.  As we evolved, those whose bodies were able to store fat that could be converted to energy during times when food was downright challenging to come by survived while those who couldn't didn't.   Cravings and enjoyment of high calorie foods were also part of that evolutionary process.  It was vital that we took in as many calories as possible because there was a time when we weren't sure when the next meal might come.

As a result, it is a constant battle with our bodies to lose the excess weight that we've gained.  They fight us because they are still in the dark ages and honestly it's not a horrible thing because I don't think we've evolved enough as a society to prevent another dark age.   It just makes gaining weight so easy and losing weight so much harder.  So in a way, our bodies are conspiring against us but we'll appreciate that feature if (god forbid) the worst happens.  Well that was an interesting tirade I didn't quite expect to go on.  Funny where I allow my writing to go.

Speaking of writing, so far I've stuck to my guns!  I've written everyday for 102 days.  This post will be my 103!  Please allow me to pat myself on the back for that.  I feel incredibly proud of myself and I'm excited to continue.  Yes, my writing is far from quality works of art but that wasn't what I desired (though I would love it to be).  I'm just so happy that I'm following through and that even when I'm tired or really don't feel like writing, I sit down and bust something out.  Who knows, maybe my future children will find even my crappy writings as some sort of window to their mother's life before them. If either of my parents had done this  I'd totally want to read what they wrote when they were my age.   Would I find it illuminating?  Shocking that some of the things that they thought back then are totally different than what they portrayed to us.  My dad used to write my mother love letters and what I wouldn't give to read them as he didn't stay that young romantic lover.  Of course, my kids reading this totally depends on the internet not crashing and deleting everything and having it somehow stick around that long.

I don't know, today just seemed like a good day to mention my small successes.  Goodness knows, it's a welcome relief to all the twentysomething angst.

Wal-Mart

When I left my house I was actually in a decent mood despite the fact that a nine hour shift lay ahead of me.  It was a warm, gorgeous summer day.  The kind of day when taking back roads is worth the extra couple of minutes just to roll down the windows and enjoy the breeze.  Driving to work using the back roads actually didn't make me despair; I could pretend that I was taking a short trip to the mall or Barnes and Nobles or the ice rink instead of work.   Listening to the radio, I zoned out and tried not to think about where I going. 

Eventually though, I found myself pulling into the giant parking lot for the store that always greeted me with a giant smiley face.  Sometimes, I feel like those smiley faces are meant more as a sarcastic mockery for the workers at this store because very little about working here makes one sincerely smile.  Finding a spot on the side of the building furthest away from the entrances, I begrudgingly grabbed my blue smock, checked to make sure my name tag was on it, and crawled out of the car silently grumbling to myself.  Why didn't I wake up earlier to enjoy the day somewhat? 

If there was some sort of device that could gauge my mood as I walked to the back of the store to clock in, one would marvel at how my mood steadily declined to feelings of bitterness and depression by the time I reached the swinging doors.  There was a line at the time clock as my coworkers tried to punch out or in for their shifts.  This was usual and though I always managed to be at the end of it resulting in my clocking in a minute or two late, the idea of arriving even a second before to make sure I was at the head of the line was just not worth it.  Swiping my name tag through the machine three of four times, it finally beeped letting me know that I had clocked in at 3:02pm.  Shoving everything but my phone and a small notebook into my locker I made my way back down to the front of the store making sure to take the longest route and walking as slow as possible.  

When one of my managers notices me, she tells me to go to register 9.  As if an announcement was made over the intercom that I would be opening register nine, people raced to make themselves the first or second in line.  There are very few things that I've mastered but pasting on a sincere looking smile and forcing my voice to sound upbeat and cheerful all while wanting to curse at everyone are two of things I've got down to a science.  My first customer only has two items: grapes and motor oil.  This is not as unusual a combination as one might think.  Motor oil, pesticides, paint, and all sorts of harsh chemicals always seem to be paired with some sort of fruit like a peach or an apple.  My second customer has three small children hanging onto her carriage; two were now crying because she refused to allow them to take the candy.  Ignoring her sobbing children, she says to me, "It's such a nice day out.  We're going to the beach.  You shouldn't be in here."  I know she means well but it was irritating to hear it said out loud like that. 

Multiple hours pass in a dull monotony of purchases and people until a man in his maybe in his forties comes to my register.  Without thinking I give him a smile and ask, "how are you?"  With a giant grunt he tells me that he's miserable.  I always hate it when people say that because I never know quite how to respond and end up saying, "that's too bad. Did find everything you were looking for?"  He releases another snort through his nose saying, "You don't care that I'm miserable! Not everyone is happy like you."  Normally I choose to ignore these types of people but today I don't particularly feel like it and as I hand him his bag I say, "Sir, with all due respect, I am working at Wal-Mart."  

Wii Fit!

I should have written before working out on the Wii Fit.  It's official; I absolutely adore it but it is most definitely a workout.  Over the past hour, I've tried each of the activities under Aerobics multiple times except the rhythm boxing activity because I couldn't figure out that one worked.   Now, I'm just exhausted.  It's been such a long time since I've given myself a nice workout, I've forgotten just how good it feels.  My mind feels completely clear of thoughts but in the good way; not in the way that makes me feel anxious.  The only downside, this lack of thinking means I've got nothing to say.

Today, I finally made the decision that I'm not going to allow the thought that it's too late to exercise after work.  I mean, I have a crappy schedule and I keep trying to stick to a normal person's sleep cycle.  As a notorious night owl, working until 11pm I'm just not tired the way I should be.  However, in the morning it's super hard to get up.  If I do happen to get up early, I feel exhausted by mid day and end up napping.  It's like I get it in my head, "work is tough enough without being totally dragging at 10pm."  I mean, I'm at work and I need to be somewhat sharp or at least not ready to crawl into bed.  So I've decided that if I need to take a nap or sleep in during the day, I'm not going to feel guilty about it.   Yes, I can still work out.  It will just be after work rather than before.

Alright, yeah that's all that's coming right now so another short post for the today.

Another good day

What another gorgeous day outside!! The temperature was perfect; not too hot or too cold.  When I got out of work, everyone was outside enjoying the first real day of spring.  Yes, it's been spring for quite a while now but it hasn't actually felt like it until today.  There wasn't even the slightest chill in the air and that made me so incredibly happy.  Dave and I enjoyed a lovely cardio walk outside walking three miles around our neighborhood.  Too bad it felt much harder than it should have.

I actually ate all of my Weight Watcher points today so I am giving myself extra credit for that! Dave and I also indulged ourselves and bought a Wii Fit!!! I've wanted it for years now, yes years.  Dave had a $100 gift card that we totally forgot about and thought that it would be the most perfect purchase and so far it is!  The voice on the Wii is just so adorable I want to climb through the screen and give it a hug.  When we weighed ourselves, it said, "you're obese" so cutely, we didn't have a second to be depressed. It also told me that when standing I have almost perfect center of gravity which didn't surprise me at all.  Years of figure skating does sort of make knowing your center of gravity a bit more imperative than most.  My Wii age based on whatever it does is 34 and my little me looked so sad.

Dave's now playing the games and it just looks like so much fun that I'm going to kick him off and play myself!

Much Better Day

After I wrote my post last night, Dave and I had a long talk and I am feeling a whole lot better.  Of course, I still need to talk to my psychologist about things because it's in no way resolved but I feel far less hopeless than I did before.  Dave was more than willing to whatever he can to help resolve things and that's enough right now.  Like I indicated earlier, it goes so much deeper than him.  It's within me and the smallest thing can bring it out in a ferocious way.  By the time I went to bed, I knew that things were not as bleak as they may seem right now but like everything else, it's going to take time.  

This morning and today we had a wonderful day, taking a casual drive and stopping periodically at places that caught our eye.  The weather was so nice; I was able to walk around wearing just a t-shirt and a light sweater.  We finally ended up at Boston Beerworks in Salem, MA where we enjoyed a great meal.  They are know for their delicious burgers and their variety of beer.  Dave and I are not large drinkers and decided against ordering any of their beers though I've had them before and I can say that they are quite good.  Throughout our meal they had the Red Sox game displayed on multiple screens and I realized that I enjoy watching the game in that kind of environment.  Of course, this was lunch and it was very quiet.  Somehow, I doubt that a Friday or Saturday game in a packed bar/restaurant would have the same effect but I loved it. 

When we got home, the two of us finally began to go through the mountain load of stuff that we've somehow accumulated over the past two years of living here.  Seriously, we have so much stuff that we never use or even look at half the time.  Things upon things buried under stuff and within boxes.  We spent a solid four hours today and we have a very long way to go but it's a start.  I'm actually really excited.  I have no intention of becoming a minimalist at all but I definitely like the idea of picking and choosing exactly what type of stuff you accumulate and keep in your home.  Sure, some things are free and they seem like great items at the time but then you realize just how much space it takes up and how little you ever use it.  Because it was free, I didn't think too heavily about bringing it home making some justification on how we'd use it.  I think it is very important to choose our things wisely (pay money for quality, if need be) and only have those things that make life happier and easier.  

Overall, we had a nice day and I'm already feeling the benefits of having a less cluttered and more clean home.  Crazy just how much that can affect you.   

Vague rantings

Today is another one of those days that I have zero desire to write.  I don't even want to try.  I have a ton of emotions and feelings deep within me somewhere but I feel locked away from them and I don't even want to begin to attempt to discuss them.  I feel like I have a big decision to make but I don't know what I want or what I should do.  It's amazing what a single night can do.  Yesterday afternoon, I could answer pointed questions but now, I don't have any answers.

Just so everyone knows.  I am okay.  Just really down and am really glad I have a therapy appointment on Monday.  I need to talk with someone who can offer me some sound advice.  Someone who might be able to see how what I'm feeling now translates to something that happened in the past.  Maybe this has nothing to do with the past at all but I feel like it does.  I thought I might have been able to come to terms with what's bothering me tone tight but that hasn't happened.  I feel as confused as ever.  Should I just settle with this particular desire?  I was happy before I realized just how badly I wanted it.  I've always heard that one should never settle but are there certain circumstances where settling is a legit option?  Is there a way I can move past this part and come to terms with it as opposed to settling?  These are just some of the questions that I feel desperate to have answered and it's one that many people will have countless opinions on which is why I'd just prefer to talk to a professional.

Well I got through two paragraphs tonight.  I just need to figure out something to write for tomorrow and Sunday.  Hopefully by Monday, I have a clearer picture of what I'm dealing with.  I'm hoping that some resolution will come but something tells me that this is one of those situations that is going to get worse before it gets better.  Sorry for the vagueness.  Maybe once I can figure out what it actually is that I'm dealing with, I might be able to talk about it more but right now this is something I just need to keep private.   That alone says so much to me...

Escaping to Disney World

My best friend is going to audition to be a face character in Disney World!  She is so excited about it; I don't think I've seen her this excited for an audition in a really long time.  Of course, as  a good friend I can't let her go alone.  Big auditions like that can't be done on a solo trip to the happiest place on earth.  Not to mention that for the past week, I too have been longing to go back.

At this point, I don't think I can count exactly how many times I've escaped there.  That's really the word for it.  Unlike any other vacation, DisneyWorld is an escape from the coldness of adulthood.  When I was a kid, I wanted so badly to grow up and make my own decisions.  I longed for that ever present knowledge that adults seem to have; they always had all the answers.  Now, whether I like it or not, I can no longer deny that I am indeed an adult.  Even the illusion that college kept me a kid is now long gone.  No, at the age of twenty six I can't pretend that I'm little anymore.

It's not like I envisioned though.  I don't know anything at all.  There aren't any answers, just questions.  More and more and more questions.  Probably some will never be answered and it's just so scary.  Not only that but I feel like everything I thought I knew is not what it seemed.  One of my greatest wishes was to do what I wanted and I don't know what I want.  Even if I did, that doesn't actually mean that I'll be able to do it.  The freedom I so desperately sought then was actually the time when it was really mine.  There wasn't any emotional baggage that impeded me or rules dictated by a society I never realized I joined.  Today, getting what you want seems like a pipe dream and no longer something that is actually possible.

I'm desperate to escape again.  To the world of childlike wonder and possibility.  Disney has always been able to provide that for me. I don't even care that it's this worldwide business behemoth.  It's design is to spread happiness, escape into a magical fantasy full of fireworks, dreams, and untapped potential.  Going there you can speak to people from multiple nations, view animals from across the globe, be whisked away on some incredible ride, and just forget about everything.  Forget about responsibilities, past failures, pain, and loss. Forget about the "should haves, could haves, and what ifs."  It's one of the few places where you can go to be that little girl who wanted to be a princess, find an unquestionable love, and fly away on a magic carpet to learn the secrets hidden within this world.   It still exists there within it's impeccably crafted designs and within all the young faces who surround you completely unaware of what lies ahead. I'm so utterly desperate for that kind of reminder.

Thoughts on college

Framingham State University, my alma mater, was just on the news because apparently they are trying to ban strong fragrances, perfumes, cigarettes, and strong smelling cleaning products from campus.  This caused me to wonder whether this would have applied to my second roommate's multiple air-fresheners which I would always wake up to her spraying in the early hours of the morning.  She was of the opinion that I produced a displeasing odor.  At first, I was super embarrassed at the thought and did everything I could to perhaps rid myself of any unpleasantness including showering multiple times a day, washing my clothings and sheets twice a week, and spraying everything I touched in the room with Febreeze.  Unfortunately, none of my efforts had any effect and I continued to myself gagging every time I walked into my room from the over abundance of "air freshening" smells.   Maybe those would be part of this crazy new ban as well?  I get it; many people are super sensitive to particular scents and fragrances but banning them entirely from a college campus?  Is that really the only answer to this particular problem?

Although I would never take back my experiences in college, I sometimes wonder if paying exorbitant amounts of money of four years is really necessary for being a customer service representative at a call center or having a full time job entering data into a computer.  Sadly, that's where myself and many of friends have found themselves having graduated only a couple of years ago.  We're some of the lucky ones as we attended a state college at vastly cheaper rates than many of our neighboring Ivy League schools in the Boston area.  However, there are times when I hear people go on about the importance of attaining a college degree and I seriously reconsider whether it was worth the expense.  College, in no way, prepared me to answer phone calls from people having difficultly with credit cards.   I was trained as a teacher which I had heard was supposed to be a field that would not suffer in an economic downtown.  I wasn't told that in order to attain one of those jobs I would need to move to an entirely different part of the country.   Whether Massachusetts is in need of teachers or not, they are spending copious amounts of time laying teachers off rather than hiring new ones.  

The majority of my friends some who, like me, earned their degrees in Education and others who earned degrees in English, Psychology, Sociology, and Political Science have found ourselves working jobs that used to be for those who earned a high school diploma.  In fact, a number of my coworkers were unable to go to college for various reasons and are far more competent in aspects of my job than I am.  Maybe I would've been better off saving myself and my parents a lot of money at least when it came to preparing me for the working world.    I don't really see how college improves our job prospects at all.   However, living on a small campus alongside many others my age taught me invaluable life lessons I may never have learned otherwise.  Or I might have learned them in a far less enjoyable way.  College for me was totally worth all of the friends, the late nights, the cramming, and the setbacks along the way and I try to remember those times when I get discouraged about the other stuff.  I think if I had to choose again, I would pay for those experiences (at the state school rates of course; I feel for those who left college with $75-S100,000 in debt).  

So I'm not entirely sure what my opinion is on the subject.  Maybe when the economy rebounds I will earn more than those who did not earn a college degree but I'm not so sure.  I am pretty confident; however, that no matter where I decide to go next, it will require my to go back to school and attain some type of Masters degree.  I feel like, at this rate, our children are all going to need doctorates to stay competitive in their working environments.  All I can do right now though is look fondly back on my memories thinking of all the amazing people I met as a result and hope that things will turn around for everyone,. 

Distracted

It was just a summer fling but she couldn't stop thinking about him.  No matter how she attempted to busy herself with her schoolwork, his hands and hot breath would creep back into her mind.  Even painting, something that almost always worked to clear her head, couldn't keep her thoughts from the color of his eyes and how they would brighten with his smile.  It was her who ended things, right? Had she possibly made the wrong choice?

The image of April lingered in her mind.  It was so clear she wanted him by the way the she would go out of her way to be near him and seemed to find just about anything to brush up against him.  He wouldn't go for her would he?  She couldn't deny April's beauty or her charm.  Her tiny frame always flattered by the cutest dresses and her cheery disposition tended to make the most stoic of men smile and go on a limb for her.  She was also impossible to hate.  For all her beauty and poise, she was always sincere in her compliments and encouraging of everyone's endeavors.

Despite how much she actually liked April, the idea of her with him cause her stomach to clench.  Would she still feel this way if she didn't feel so threatened? There's always a threat even if she wasn't aware of it.  When he first expressed his interest in her, she was taken aback.  Was he serious? As far as she was concerned he had been out of her league but they had that connection and she welcomed his presence.  In the end though, she was in school to get the grades.  She hadn't achieved her 3.9 G.P.A by making a ton of friends and hanging out with boys.  It was best for her to end things so she could refocus.  He would be bored by her lifestyle anyway.

Still, she couldn't deny how is eyes would linger on her when they past and she knew he was thinking about the way they felt together.  He still wanted her as much as she wanted him but what could she do?  Could she handle him and school?  Again, she turned back to her books but she could bring herself to care.  Suddenly, her phone lit up and she felt the table vibrate as she received a text message.  Unable to control herself, she flushed and her heart began to race.  Picking up her phone she read, "what are you doing?"  Once more she looked back at her books, but she knew in her heart that she wouldn't be able to get anything done so she picked up the phone to dial his number.

Working on goals

Last night I was worried about not waking up at a reasonable hour today and I ended up waking up at 6:30 in the morning.  I totally didn't have enough sleep and I felt tired but unable to go back to sleep.  So by 2pm, I found myself needing a nap and slept until I had to go to work.  All and all not horrible.  I would like to be able to make it through the entire day without a nap like a normal person but I'll take the little things.  

While I was awake, I did do some more work on our wedding budget and we are definitely going to go over budget, but so far it's not as bad as I thought.  We'll have to see.  Maybe I can work a second job for a bit or talk to my work about picking up a couple of extra hours to make up the difference.  I did receive a call from the Temp agency I applied for while I was at work saying that they might have a part time job for me.   Depending on the hours and the job, that would be fantastic.  I'm going to call her back tomorrow and hope that it's still there and no one else has already responded to it.  So we'll see where that goes.  

Also, I'll be getting some extra help with my exercise and healthy living goal.  My work is doing a company wide competition called Step Up to the Plate.   I've joined a team with four other of my second shift coworkers that will compete against other teams.  For every 15 minutes of cardio exercise we earn a run and then we are able to steal bases by doing a healthy living challenge for the week like getting enough sleep or eating fruits and veggies.  I played it last year but didn't really take it seriously but this year is a whole new ballgame.  Dave and I also purchased 10 personal/small group training sessions each off of Groupon for only $35.  We haven't had a chance to go and check it out yet but I'm super excited to go and talk to them.  What an awesome way to stay motivated, no?  

With that I'm going to head to bed.  

Weekend babble

Guess what?  I am way too tired to write tonight. Exhaustion does not breed creativity.  Well it might but I'm not really trying.  My goal is to wake up tomorrow at a reasonable hour but I'm slightly nervous because I only got about two hours of sleep last night.  It's times like this when I remember that I am not in college anymore.  There were times that I could write papers and feel this tired or take a twenty minute power nap if I was desperate.  Today, I seemed to have forgotten how to power nap.  Seriously, all of my naps now are at least forty minutes.

Please feel free to skip this post because I'm just going to babble on about nothing.  This weekend ended up making me very happy and I'll be honest, I had plans that made me slightly nervous.  But all went well and I feel like I got the chance to actually carry conversations with ghosts from the past.  So yay for that.  Today, at work I troubleshot a decline after an hour of research which made me feel like I had completed some weird Excel, DOS, and Falcon treasure hunt.  When my coworker walked in we rejoiced in the fact that both of us this weekend were able to master the unnecessary arduous task of figure out why a transaction declined.

I also got a call from some guy insisting to speak to the IT department.  When I asked what he wanted to discuss thinking it might be the website or something that one might think our IT department would handle, I was told that I wouldn't be able to understand it.  When I pressed, he began to explain how the paper statement has two perforated pages; one to to pay his bill and the another that contained his purchases..  He spoke this slowly as if I wouldn't be able to follow him and continued to go on about how shreds the top sheet that is meant to pay the bill because he pays it online.  Again he made another pause to make sure I was following him and only continue when I gave my assurance that I was understanding what he was saying.

Finally he said that the second page contained valuable information that he would like to file away but that the information on the bottom of the page should be on the top.  He told me that this backward statement made it very difficult for him to file his statements and that he had spent the past eight months dealing with it but figured he would call to see if anything could be done.  When I told him that I would explain the situation he must of heard me thinking, "seriously?  You are really calling me about this?" in my tone of voice because he then apologized if he was condescending.  I will admit, I greatly appreciated his apology but I couldn't help but marvel at the fact that this was something he thought was going to be too complex for my meager customer service brain.  I sent an e-mail to my supervisors because, hey maybe we can just turn the paper around or something.

After work, I spent literally six hours at Barnes and Noble reading a book on personal finance.  It contained a lot of information I've already read but it was still enjoyable.  I also figure that if I keep reading about investing, eventually it will actually begin to mean something to me.  A large part of me wants to take a class on investments so I can feel fully confident about the differences between 401K, IRAs, Roth IRAs, mutual funds, and all that jazz.  I really am interested in learning an understanding how it all works but I feel like whenever anyway tries to explain it, the information just bounces of my super thick skull and only minor pieces of the puzzle stick.  Nevertheless, I am confident that I will get it at some point.  It's just a matter of time.  

The Centaur

Galloping through the field the archer

stretches his bow and shoots his arrow 

toward the stars.  No one else can see

he's hit his mark with ease and finesse for 

few can see the opportunities in the vast 

openness of a starlight sky.  

With a hearty laugh, he pumps his 

fist now racing toward his newly 

marked date with destiny.  In his delight 

he fails to see the newly fallen branches 

 causing him to stumble repeatedly.

The greatest of mis-steps

will hardly detour him.

Everyone follows curious as to

what's making him so gleeful.  

Always the life of the party, 

many are drawn to his charm. 

 Even forgiving him for the most brutal

honestly for it was given with 

the most well meaning of intentions. 

Somewhat flighty, he jumps from idea to 

project to challenging mission with the 

greatest confidence almost never 

following any of his endeavors to completion.  

With too many inspirational designs out there,

 it's impossible to master just one.

In love, he gives himself freely though

 commitment will always be difficult.  

Despite that, when it happens, 

his entire heart is released. 

He'll look upon his love with the 

admiration, respect, and loyalty

 of a small, energetic puppy. 

Failing him causes tremendous heartbreak;

 he'll find it difficult to move on.

It's a terrible thing to take advantage

 of one who trusts so naively.  

However, a plane ticket and indulgent

imaginings of foreign worlds is the easiest cure

 forgetting about you entirely as he clumsily 

fall into another's open arms. 

Self-indulgent, impatient, and jovial

he will stay forever young.  

Traits embraced by all 

who take their first breath

under his constellation. 

 His expansive luck and

 his over the top optimism is

 both a blessing and a curse. 

I, myself, am not exactly like him.  

At times, I try to channel his personality

for I know it lies deep within.  

Positive and negative  

 he is both my sun and moon.  

Daily schedules

As far as working on Fridays go, today wasn't too bad.  Normally work on Friday nights are depressing and seem to drag on forever and I lack all sorts of motivation.  Going in at 5pm doesn't help matters especially if I'm listening to the radio on the way there.  Almost always, they say something about how it's finally Friday and everyone is happy to be going home for the weekend.   But I must say, now that I'm working Friday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday as opposed to Friday, Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday I actually don't mind Fridays that much.  Having the Wednesday and Thursday off gives me that sense of a weekend and I know that I just have to get through Friday and then I get Saturday off.  Still, I would love to work Sunday through Wednesday but can't get everything you want.   Tonight though went by really quickly and I only had one dissatisfied caller!

Honestly, the biggest downside of my schedule is getting home so late.  Like, right now it's 3:30am and I'm still awake.  In fact, I was just dancing around mine and Dave's bedroom in the hope to release some of that extra energy and feel more tired.  Dave finally knocked on my door and was like, "it's 3:30 and I really want to go to bed."  When I get home until 11:30 most nights, I find it hard to go to bed at a reasonable hour.  I've never been one of those people who can come home and go right to bed.  Normally I like to wind down a bit.  Despite working this shift for almost a year and a half, I've had a difficult time getting myself into a steady schedule.  I just hate feeling so tired at work as it gets later and later and everyone else is winding down and going to bed.  I don't like that trying to keep my eyes open feeling when I'm driving home.  As a result, I tend to sleep in on those days that I have to work and use the fact that I work so late as a justification.

Every Sunday after working 7am-3pm, I convince myself that this week will be the week that I will establish that schedule.  But then I always end up sleeping in super late on Mondays because I work until 11 that night and if by some miracle I do wake up at a reasonable hour on Monday, I almost invariably will sleep in on Tuesday.   I feel like I'm all over the place and that's probably why I'm having a difficult time getting on an exercise schedule.  I don't want to exercise after I get home from work but I feel like I never know what time I'm going to wake up and if it's after 12pm, I tend to schedule appointments for after 12.  So ideally it would be better for me to consistently work out around 9 or 10am and try and make it to bed by 12 or 1am  It's just so much easier said than done.  Maybe I'll eventually figure it out.  Once I do, I'm sure I'll find a 9-5 job again and have to shift back.