Tension

I carry all my tension in my shoulders just like my mother.  When I was younger I'd rub her shoulders until my hands would ache which would never take very long and marvel at how tight they were.  Somewhere along the way, I too have the same issues.  Certified massage therapists ask what I am doing to cause so much stress and I don't really have an answer.  My life is not that stressful so I don't know where it all comes from.  Getting a massage is the luxury I've given to myself since I had my meltdown and I've come to cherish my time in the small, dark room where I lie under a heated blanket.   I pay for a membership once a month and I didn't go to a couple so I have quite a few left over.  I actually went to one two weeks in a row because my first masseuse said that she couldn't get all the knots out and when the second one began rubbing my shoulders, she thought it had been a month since my last massage and said I should get them more frequently.  When I told her it was only a week ago, she was shocked.

Like I said, I really don't know where the tension comes from.  Sure my job and my life have their moments but it's not so bad.  Sometimes I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders but then scoff at myself because I don't have the slightest clue what that would even begin to feel like.  I seem to have a difficult time handling the small stressors in life now; I doubt I could handle anything massive.  That idea bothers me because I always want to be that "strong" person who can handle whatever comes her way with grace and ease.  In truth though I don't know if I could handle the things that so many people have to deal with all the time.  People with lives far more difficult than mine carrying the burden of past pains completely unknown and overwhelming to me.  There are so many days when I want to do something that will affect the world but in reality, I can't hardly handle the tension caused by me trying to do something that will affect myself.