I'm writing in circles again but I don't want to edit it

I need another job.  This is not to say that my current job is terrible or the worst place to work because it's not.  My coworkers are amazing, I'm compensated well enough for what I do, I was able to work part time while I tried to pursue a teaching career and in most cases my callers aren't that bad.  It's just that I need a change of pace and I'll be honest working in a call center type of environment is not what I envisioned for my career.  That said, I have far too much going on right now to add job hunting to my list of things I'm doing on a daily basis.  As it is, I am currently working with a local temp agency to see if they can find something that would work within my current schedule.   Not to mention that it would be difficult on an interview to explain that come October, I'll need two weeks of vacation for my honeymoon.  Finding another job just isn't feasible right now.

I am worried about the reality of my situation though.  In some ways, the fact that my company isn't completely horrible makes it more difficult.  There's a certain level of comfortability within my job.   I understand what's expected of me.  They are aware of what's going on in my personal like and have been graciously accommodating.  In truth though, I find myself feeling frustrated and anxious about it more frequently than I should and even with that, there's the general feeling of "at least I know where this company is seriously lacking, who knows what it's like out there."  In some ways, I feel like it's similar to my dating experiences.  I knew my relationship with my most recent ex had some critical flaws and many things that I really disliked.  However, there were so many times when I thought, "but he treats me well and he is such a nice guy."  

He did treat me well and he was there for me during some difficult times in my life but I couldn't talk to him.  Having a conversation about anything deeper than what either of us did that day was very difficult.  There were so many times when I'd encounter something during the day and want to discuss it with him but he just never seemed interested.  We couldn't talk for hours about nothing and everything at the same time and for me, that was something that I needed.  I knew I needed it then but I overlooked it because I was afraid that I might not find someone as good to me.  In the end, we just weren't right for each other.  I will always respect him and am very happy that he is getting married this year as well but I'm very glad that we are not marrying each other.  Just as much as he wasn't right for me, I was not right for him.  I couldn't give him what he was looking for either.  

What I've realized by being with Dave is that I don't just want someone who is good to me but someone who is good for me.  It doesn't seem like there's a big difference, but it's huge.  Dave not only treats me well but I feel like he brings out the best in me; maybe not all the time but some of the time at least.  When I'm with him, I want more from myself in a good way.  He makes me feel like I can actually be that person I've always envisioned or dreamed that I could be.  I have a very strong personality and he enjoys that but he also doesn't let me get too carried away and I need that.  I like having certain boundaries.  I want to know what's acceptable and what's not in relationships and outside of them.  No, it's not acceptable to throw a temper tantrum like a five year old when you can't get ideal wedding venue.  It's not okay to freak out because the dishes weren't done and that somehow translates into him not caring about me or our relationship.  Let's face, I can be completely irrational at times and it's good to have someone who will be there to let me know that it won't be tolerated in loving and healthy way.  

In many ways, I need these characteristics in the workplace too.  I want proper and appropriate boundaries along with a certain amount of freedom.  I don't want to be micromanaged but at the same time I don't want the freedom to sit and surf the web all day.  I want to take pride in my work and not only have it be good to me but for me as well.  When I envision a career, I seek a certain amount of ownership.  Right now, if I call in sick or am out a day, someone else will answer the phones and handle the work that needs to be handled.  The plus side to this is I never come in and feel like I'm super behind but the downside is that I don't feel like I'm doing anything of any value.   I used to really want to make a difference in the world through my work but I've realized that there are many ways to make a difference and that it doesn't necessarily have to be where you work.  I want to feel productive and to end the day when a sense of accomplishment rather than, "yay, I don't through another day without flipping out."

What I'm trying to say is that I don't want to stay at my current job just because it's comfortable and because I know it.  Sure, there are many positives to working there and I plan to continue to work there until the time is right for me to really begin the hunt.  I just don't want to stay there forever.  That said, I do recognize that now is not the time to take on that challenge.  Job hunting is a bleak and discouraging process that requires a lot of hard work and persistence.  Right now, I can't devote that kind of time.  I think that worries me in many ways.  At the moment, I desperately need my job.  With the wedding and the merging of finances, there's a lot of money that needs to get earned and I am constantly worried that something might happen now that will cause me to loose my current job.  I feel trapped and I freak out but really I just need to relax and do what I can to continue making a positive contribution to my company until the time comes that I can really step out of the box.  I just need to take it one day at a time. 

Thank goodness I have the day off tomorrow.