Stowe

Dave has finally fallen asleep.  We're here in Stowe, VT and it's an absolutely gorgeous day.  It's warm and sunny and quiet.  There's soft music coming from across the parking lot and it's a nice respite from all the hustle and bustle of the last few days, as well as the next few days to come!

We made the trek up today to pick up the apple cider, the cider donuts, and the apple pies that we plan to have served at our wedding.  We originally wanted to have our wedding here in Stowe with all of the beautiful mountain peaks all adorned with foliage.  This whole place is a wonderful getaway.  The shops, the lodges, the town - all contribute to providing the visitor with a serene and semi-secluded escape.  Secluded to a city dweller at least.

At some point in the future, Dave and I really need to stay and visit here for a couple of days.  Our trips here have been little more than day trips.  I'd like to come here, relax in one of these beautiful resorts, and slow down the pace.  The pace here is certainly slow.  It would be nice to fully embrace it.  To walk through the state parks, bike the winding trails, maybe take a brief horseback riding lesson.

Dave thinks I'm writing a list of things to bring to Maui and I did try.  I was then overcome by the desire to put this moment down on paper.  Honestly at this precise moment, my time is better spent writing a post.  It is still productivity of some kind and it means I can check something off my list of a million things to do tonight.  A few more moments and we'll need to begin heading back. Gosh I love it here.

I need to stop talking and write

My goodness, the rehearsal dinner is over.  Not that I can really say that it was much of a rehearsal but ah well.  At first I was irritated because what we did today could have been easily done on a Friday or Saturday morning/afternoon so really I'm still not quite sure what their issue was but whatever.  Anyway, things seem pretty straightforward so hopefully everything will go relatively smoothly.  It's times like this when I'm really glad to have Katie to help me articulate what it is that I'm looking for if my event coordinator can't seem to understand.  While we were discussing the rehearsal, she was really thrown off that I wanted to do something different than what she normally does.  I didn't think it was that odd and I'm glad Katie was there to help me say what it was that I wanted.

The dinner went really well which was awesome.  It was a lot of fun actually.  Not that I expected it not to be but leading up to today, I was feeling anxious but it went super smoothly.  Our bridal party is amazing.  It makes me really look forward to Saturday.  Instead of expounding on it here, I actually just turned to Dave and discussed it with him for the past hour.  So now it's really late and I should stop writing.  I'm sorry.  There will be more written at a later time.  Now we really need to go to bed.

Planning Rehearsal Dinners

Both Dave and I are utterly exhausted.  We got a lot done today but it's 12:30 on Wednesday night (technically Thursday) and there is still so much more to do.   Tomorrow is the rehearsal dinner.  I hate that it had to be on a Thursday and 5:30 was the absolute latest to run the rehearsal.  It is completely inconvenient for everyone.  Personally, I don't feel comfortable telling my bridal party to take the day off work on a Thursday so they can make it to our rehearsal.  Even if we could do it on a Friday, then at least if people wanted they could take a long weekend. Sadly, that wasn't possible for our venue as they have weddings Friday nights, Saturday afternoons, Saturday nights, and Sundays.

Needless to say, we are basically having two as a result.  One "traditional" rehearsal at the venue with the onsite wedding planner, the officiant, and the nice dinner afterward.  Another on Saturday afternoon with just the bridal party not at the venue.  Basically something simpler that will just show everyone what they are doing.   This separate party is going to need to be fed as they will be understandably hungry so we will be going with the cheaper dinner of pizza.  I feel badly that all I can offer them is cheap pizza when they are taking not one but two whole days out for us.  That's not even including all the numerous hours each of them have put in helping us out in all the other ways.

More so, it killed Dave and me to have to tell our friends that they could not bring their loved one to the rehearsal dinner tomorrow.  It's one of those moments where I'm wondering if we should have just paid for it all but it's tough when you have eight members of your bridal party.  If each of them brought their significant other, that's one huge party and it would have been lovely to have them all but it would have killed us financially.  Of course, not every one of our bridal party members can come so maybe we could have figured out something but it's tomorrow and we've already told people no so I just need to let it go.  I just feel like maybe I shouldn't have been so selfish and cut back on something else in order to accommodate everyone.  Let it go Denise.  What's done is done and if this is your biggest regret, you will figure out a way to make it up to everyone.

So yes, it's officially two more days until Saturday when everything needs to be finished.  We can do this and what we can't will be okay.  Everything will be okay.

Aah wedding! haha

Okay, well I didn't get as much done today as I would have liked but what can you do.  I got some of the things done that I needed so I guess I should give myself some credit.  Mainly I responded to Katie and Alli as they had some questions.  Unfortunately, my electronic equipment failed me this morning so I didn't get back to them until much later.  I actually wrote Alli back while I was at work which I've never done, ever.  I really hope I don't get fired for it.  I could text her back but I didn't want to leave her hanging either.  Realizing that they couldn't possibly be the only ones with questions, Dave and I sat down and co-wrote a weekend schedule e-mail to everyone in the bridal party.   It took way longer to write than I anticipated possibly because it required us to actually stop think about details of everything as opposed to thinking in general terms.

Gosh, was that really all I did today?  Crap.  Ah well, it wasn't that long ago that I felt like I was missing having a deadline over my head to motivate me to do things.  There is a deadline alright and motivated I am.  Seriously, it's like I'm back in college though with more sleep.  I'm going to bed super late but I'm waking up super late too.  The same can't be said for Dave though.  I just had to turn to him and ask him if now is the best time to clip his fingernails.  Why do we do that? We know it's super late.  We know we're tired.  We know we have to wake up in the morning and yet we will stay up even later to do the most random things.  Things that could totally wait until the next morning.  Strange.  Luckily today was my last day of work.  Tomorrow is Dave's last day but I doubt either of us will actually relax until we're lying on the beach in Maui.

Man, Maui sounds really nice right now.  Just need to get on packing for that too!

Dave's gift is done and ordered... finally!

Holy Crap!  I finally finished Dave's wedding present.  The order has been placed and it will hopefully arrive on Wednesday; just in time to wrap it and give it to him on our wedding day.  I figure waiting until after we're married and settled into our hotel room would be a good time.  We accomplished some things today but really I'm so happy that his piece is done.  I'm really happy by how it turned out as it was a DIY project, well sort of anyway.   Though I got really, really irritated by the website that I used to help create it as it constantly crashed and I had to do things over a zillion times the final product is something I think I'll be proud to present.

Of course, now that this piece is over I can now fully throw myself into all the rest that needs to get done and by golly there's still quite a bit.  Still, I'm going to redouble my efforts and see if I can be slightly more productive tomorrow than today.  You know, achieve more than just one piece of the puzzle.  Also tomorrow is my last day of work!  It's going to be endless.  Even tonight I was really antsy.  It's hard when it's so close to vacation but it's even harder when you can't stop thinking about everything that needs to be accomplished before you actually leave for that vacation.  At 9:45, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me because I would have sworn it was 10:45.  Alas, I had to sit it out for the hour and fifteen minutes.   Unable to do my typical stuff, I decided to organize for when I return.  I sorted through my e-mails and cleaned out my desk drawers.  I'm pretty much all set to go.

I just need to make it through six more hours.  It's super late and it's time for me to go to bed now.  Good night!

**I lied.  It will not be here in time for the wedding but it should will definitely be in by the time we come home from Maui.  Hey, when I realized that I went back and cancelled the 24 hour shipping which would have gotten it here on Monday and saved money so that's a plus, right?  Right!

The tech week of wedding planning

I'm taking a break from working on Dave's wedding gift.  Why did I wait so freaking long to do this?  Seriously, it was something I could have done at the beginning of the wedding planning process and yet here I am racing to finish it tonight so I can submit it, order it, and hopefully receive it before the wedding.  I'm so stupid.  I thought I had gotten so much better about procrastinating but yeah maybe not.

Yikes!  Dave and I were both very much OMG! tonight.  We still have so much more to do and I feel like the list is never ending.  For the first time in this whole process Dave and I looked at each other and said that we are excite for the wedding but we're also excited for it to be over.  I think we're partly tired of thinking about it.  I've gotten to that point where if I spend a few moments thinking about something other than the wedding, I feel guilty because I feel like I need to devote every moment in my brain to getting things done.

I know that this is the final leg. The part that can be the most stressful.  I also know that come the day, it will all be okay no matter what.  We'll be together, we'll be married, and we'll be surrounded by the people who love us most and who we love likewise.  On that day, all these little things won't matter.  You know what this feels like?  It feels like the Tech Week of a major show when the entire show feels like it's never going to go up and everyone stays for all hours to try and perfect both the big and little details.  It is the most beloved and hated weeks of all the rehearsal weeks.  People scream at each other, many times there are tears, and everyone is stressed to the max.  But then the show goes up and it seems like all those things resolve themselves.  No one notices or cares about the stupid mistakes that were made.  The things that were intended and didn't come to fruition weren't missed and the show is amazing.  Even the cast who made me composed of people who hate each other feel like best friends once the curtain goes up.

It's the culmination of the months and weeks of planning and stressing that make this so much more stressful.  People keep asking me if I wished I had eloped and even in this most stressed moment I have to say, not at all.  This whole process has been amazing and I wouldn't trade it at all.  Okay back to work!

The projects I didn't want to do

Quick post tonight after the mammoth post of last night.  Katie, her husband Jared, and Jamie came over to help Dave and me with wedding stuff.  And by help, I mean do for me.  When Katie contacted me earlier this week to ask if she could help I couldn't think of anything immediately but then I realized that I had two projects that I wanted to get done but in reality knew I was never going to actually do it.  With everything else, these two things weren't necessities but were really nice sentimental pieces that I wanted to incorporate.  Deep down, I kept telling myself that I would get around to it and deep down I knew it was never actually going to happen.

But Katie and Jamie saved the day!  I'm so incredibly grateful that they came.  It's weird to ask for help.  I felt especially bad because while they were working, I couldn't think of anything crafty that I myself could work on so I just sort of sat there setting up the cards that I want people to write for us to read five years from now.  It was really lame of me when they were working so hard.  It all looks fabulous; they did such an incredible job and it really helps me feel even more excited about the wedding.  It's officially a week away! I'm beginning to wonder when I'm going to begin to feel it because I don't yet.

After crafty goodness we meant to go to Unos for dinner except that we were also going to go see the  3D rendition of The Lion King in theaters at 9:20 and we had less than an hour.  So after much discussion we went to Stop and Shop and picked up some snacks with plans to go to Unos after the movie.  It was really cool seeing an old Disney movie up in theaters again.  The last time I saw the Lion King in the theaters, I think I was 10 or 11 years old.  I forgot how much I enjoyed the movie.  I know I'm a Disney buff and all but I do think they create some great movies.  Sadly, after the movie when leaving I suddenly remembered that Unos had stupid hours the last time Dave and I went.  It stayed open but the kitchen closed so I had Dave double check and sure enough they closed at 11:30 and it was 11:15.  Stupid puritanical state.  Sometimes I wish we were more like New York when it came to how late things stay open.

Overall, it was a good and productive day.  A good day for me at least and a productive day for the girls.  I really do feel super lazy for not knowing how to help them.  Everything looks so pretty and I can wait to see them actually at the wedding.

Music Inspires-- it inspired a novel of a post

Right now I'm sitting on my couch watching the I Heart Radio Music Festival live from Las Vegas.  I've been looking forward to this for quite some time now since I first heard about it way back about six months ago.  Had it not been for Dave and I getting married next weekend, I would've done just about anything to go to this concert.   I've been wanting to go to Vegas for some time now and this most definitely would have been a perfect excuse.  I'm so glad that they are streaming it live though because I still get to see it which makes me super happy.

 For those of you who don't know, I Heart Radio is a new online kind of radio thing and to help promote themselves they got some of the biggest musicians of today together on one stage including one of my absolute favs, Coldplay.   In addition to Coldplay, there's also Bruno Mars, Black Eyed Peas, Kelly Clarkson, Jay Z, Lady Gaga, Jane's Addiction, Kenny Chesney, Steven Tyler, Rascal Flatts, David Guetta, Sting, and many others.  For fans of current pop music, this seems like one heck of a Las Vegas trip.  I love concerts that put many artists on one stage.  Sure, you have the local ones that the radio stations throw but I do think part of the allure here was Vegas for me.  Really, my wedding or the wedding of a close friend is the only thing that prevented me from doing whatever I could to get there this weekend.  

Of course, Coldplay isn't probably going to go on until the end of the night which makes me super sad as they are the ones I really want to see.  A couple of years ago Dave and I went to go see them in concert when they came to Boston and they were amazing.  I love their music and we had such a great time so I'm excited to see them here.  I also have to admit that I'm interested in seeing the Black Eyed Peas play as well.  So much of today's pop is such a guilty pleasure for me.  I can't help myself.  It's just all absolutely absurd and it's impossible to take it seriously at all.  Not to mention that it also provides me with fun music to get my groove on.

Is it great music?  Not at all but I'm slowly beginning to realize that music is one of those extremely subjective things that people become super elitist about.  At this point, it kind of just irritates me when people get all high and mighty about whatever style they happen to consider "good music."   There's this implication that if you listen to what's popular today, you've sold out or have zero taste.  Since when?  There will always be those people who will say, "God, what is it with this music today?  It sucks! It was so much better when it was..."  This has been going on for generations and it will continue for generations.  People my age tend to look at the music of the 80s and 90s as so much better than what's out today but let's be honest, during the 80s and 90s when those songs were hits people were ranting and spouting the same "this music is crap" nonsense preferring the tastes of the 60s and 70s.

And before that people thought the music of the 60s and 70s was terrible.  Sadly today, few people even know the songs that were hits when my grandparents were my age.  Their music is just as legitimate.  Years from now, the music that people my age think are great may be completely unknown the way my grandfather's favorites are now obsolete.  The just interviewed the lead singer/songwriter for Coldplay who just basically that he's not into most of the lyrics he writes which is why he keeps writing new stuff which I think is totally awesome.   What's also great about music today is that we have access to so --

Okay, I know I didn't finish the sentence above but it was at that moment that Coldplay came on and I jumped off the couch have danced and cried to their set over the past twenty minutes.  To me, that's what makes music good.  If it causes you to stop whatever it is that your doing for even just a few moments to dance like you did when you were five years old, that's what makes music special.  It doesn't matter who causes it; it could be any genre, popular, unknown, something that everyone of your friends hate, if you love it, then that's all that matters.   I love Coldplay and I don't care if that causes some people to think I have incredible or horrible taste!  I love them!  They were just able to do that for me and I didn't even need to be at the concert to feel like I was dancing right next to them.

For so long, I've spent so much time hiding behind other people's interests.  I blend in and I take enjoyment from other people enjoying whatever it is.  I'm so passive about it.  I'm so insecure.  That's really what it comes down to: insecurity.  When I was living with Katie and Alli I preferred for them to choose our musical soundtrack.  There's very little that can't get into.  They would ask if I wanted to play some of my music but I never did.  Even now I dislike playing my music aloud.  I'm afraid of being judged.  I want everyone to think that I'm just like them.  I want them to think that they "get me."   If I put my interests out there for others to see be it in music, books, clothing, art, I'm afraid that they will see a few of the pieces of myself that I've carefully hidden.

Worse, they may think, "My God, I've been friends with her for so long.  I never knew... She's so much more different from me than I ever realized.  How can she like that? How does she not like this?  How did I go this long and not know that about her?  Does our friendship mean anything anymore?"  I hide behind a mask of being so forthcoming with the intimate details of my life and by blending in with the those around me about things that aren't so intimate.  Here's the thing:  I was so scared that someone else might see and judge me that I was afraid to express myself with full freedom.  However, by spending all these years hiding behind others, by insisting that my interests must correspond with everyone else's I've somehow lost who I am and what I'm actually interested in.  I don't know if I'm conveying what I mean but the truth is I don't know what I like anymore.

It wasn't other people I was hiding from; I was hiding from myself.  What else have I hidden from myself?  I don't want to hide anymore- at least not from me anyway. I'm sorry if this sounds like one of those "No one knows who I truly am" kind of posts.  That's not what I'm saying at all actually.   I hate it when people say that.  It's annoying.  If no one knows, it's because of you so stop whining about it.  I am exactly who everyone knows me to be.  I don't "act" around anyone.  I've never been a very good actress on stage or in real life.  What you see is what you get with me. It's just that I've allowed what others like to define my own tastes.  I've never sought out what I like on my own.  It's not to say that I don't like what others like, I totally do but when someone asks what my interests are or what I like and look for specifics, I fall completely short.

I love the band Coldplay and I don't care if anyone hates them.  I won't let their opinions affect mine.  I'm allowed to like who I want to like. Why did that take me until I was almost 27 to realize that?  Before Coldplay came on, I was about to say that the greatest thing about music today is its accessibility.  We aren't dependent on the radio to introduce us to artists.  There are so many artists out there that for whatever reasons don't get through the machine that chooses what to play on the popular stations.  However, we have so many ways to access music.  The internet allows us to hear small time local bands that we may never have known about otherwise.  I'm going to start finding music I enjoy, create my own playlists.  It's time for me to find movies I like, books, artists,and things of that nature.  What's "good" is completely subjective and I need to stop worrying about being judged for my interests and I need to be more compassionate about what others enjoy even if I think it's the worst.  

Okay, I've seriously written for over an hour at this point and this post really needs to end.  My therapist says that we will repeat the things we need to hear so something tells me that I'll be writing more about this topic in the future.  

T-minus 10 and counting

I seem to be on the mend, thank goodness.  I did come home from picking out flowers and needed a nap but I'm hoping to get plenty of sleep tonight so that I can be well rested for work tomorrow.  My wedding is just 9 days away and I can't get over it.  Dave and I sat together, drank the wine we bought at Kevin and Amanda's wedding, and read through our ceremony together.  I'm really happy with it.  There are bit more references to God than I was expecting which I don't necessarily mind but I get nervous about with Dave.   He tells me not to worry but I do.  I think it's becoming real for me and I'm finally feeling the nerves and the pre-wedding jitters that I really haven't felt during the rest of this process.

 I think we got it to where we want it and we did decide to keep the handfasting ceremony; we had thought of removing it to shorten the length of the ceremony but we like too much.  In the end, the ceremony may be a little longer than what is now considered the traditional half hour but honestly, it is the most important part of the day for me.   If it goes a little longer and it means that there's a little less time to party so be it.  My biggest concern for the ceremony is the temperature.  Ideally, I would love for it to be outdoors but I get so cold so easily and I basically have a sleeveless dress.  You would think all my years as a figure skater would have me conditioned but I'm such a wimp.  You never know until the day but I can't help be slightly concerned.  There's that and the sheer difficulty I have standing still for long periods of time.  I need to get into my shoes and practice that crap.

So yeah, we still need to complete our photographer's worksheet so that she knows what she's doing and I think that will be the last really major thing to get done.  After that, I'm pretty sure it's all little stuff that if we get to, we get to and if we don't, then oh well.  Then there's the honeymoon.  Goodness me, I forgot about the honeymoon!  Take it one by one.  We've got flights, we have hotels,  and we have a car to get around.  All that's really needed now is clothing and really what more do we need?

Feeling Better

When I woke up this morning, I felt like an entirely new person.  Okay, well not entirely.  I was still the same person and I still had a running nose and yucky post nasal drip but I felt far better than I have since Sunday.  For the first time I didn't wake up completely exhausted and I didn't feel like I needed to go back to bed after just a few hours of being awake.  Yeah, yeah, I know: "how convenient that I miraculously got better when I didn't have to go to work and I was able to do the things I had planned for the wedding today."   Here's the thing.  It was totally legit.   On the one hand I was glad to be feeling better but I actually felt a bit guilty.

I know I have absolutely no control over when I get sick or when I get better and I shouldn't feel guilty about it.  I don't know why I feel guilty, really.  It's because in the end, I really am way too concerned about what other people think of me and I don't like that this may look bad on my part because I never meant it to end up that way.  Though I was reluctant to cancel the final fitting tonight because I knew that Dave's mom had taken the time off work to be able to come see it and it would be really difficult to reschedule, I was ready to do it if I had to.  I was also ready to just get through it too.  Just drive down, pick up something quick to eat, and go through the fitting and possibly have Dave come down to bring her back home so I could come home to go back to bed.  I didn't want that to have to happen but I knew that it might because this cold certainly had it's way with me.

So yeah, I know how it may look but it was definitely anything that I intended.  That said, I had a really nice conversation with Dave's mom which made me really happy because we didn't exactly get off to a great start when Dave and I initially told her about both of changing our last names.  We did get the chance to discuss that too and I know how it made her feel but it definitely made me feel better about it.  I also tried to stress to her how important it is to me that she stay involved in mine and Dave's life and how much I want her to be there for us and if we ever decide to have grandchildren.  It was the first time since I first met Dave that she and I were able to talk alone and I just tried to be as open and honest with her as I could.  I don't know how much she trusts what I have to say as she doesn't know me as well I would like just before I marry her son but I intend to spend the many years ahead of us, showing her that my words are not empty.

Sickness and work anxiety

Today, I had a mild improvement.  I made it into work and lasted a whole hour before needing to leave from feeling that unwell.  My throat was sore which left me with almost no voice, my nose still ridiculously congested despite having allergy medicine, Rhinocort, Aleve Cold and Sinus, and DayQuil in me.  More than that though, I just felt so tired.  I slept until 3:30 pm today, downed tons of water, and took more vitamins, had some toast, and dragged myself into work but I just couldn't focus.  I kept trying to call out but it was hard for people to understand me without my voice and my inability to focus made me almost certain that I was going to make a costly mistake.

In the end, I went to my team lead and told her that I needed to go home.  Really, I felt like I would cost them more money than help them make money tonight.  When I go into work, I throw myself into it and I could see myself cutting corners in attempt to make it easier for me.  Still, I can't help but feel super guilty.  I really don't want them to think that I'm not coming in because my wedding is right around the corner and I'm doing stuff for that instead of meeting my obligations.  One of my big fears is that I'm going to come back from Hawaii and they're going to tell me that I'm no longer needed at the company because I've called in too many times, or I made too many mistakes, or I don't know.  Maybe I've done or haven't done something I don't even realize.  I also feel super bad because they are in need of a lot of help and I haven't been able to do anything for them recently and I'm afraid they're going to think I'm not being a good "team player."

So yeah, when we get back we won't be any further in debt by any means but I'm going to feel like I need to make money and fast.  In fact, I intend to pick up as many hours as I can when I get back to help replenish our Emergency Fund and create even greater savings to help pay back our debts.  So yeah, I don't know I'm feeling super worried about it right now.  Why did I have to get sick?  Such inopportune timing!  Yes, it will be better to deal with now than later but... I wish it didn't happen at all.  There's also that whole part of me that's never been fired before.  There was that one time that I thought I had been fired way back at my first job at CVS but I actually wasn't.   I was devastated when that happened and super embarrassed.  More than anything, both of my parents are such hard workers and they've instilled in me a great work ethic so I can't imagine anything more disappointing to them and to myself than being fired after all this time.

Dave thinks I'm freaking out over nothing but I can't help it.  I did come home and I went right back to bed and slept for 3 more hours.  I must say I am feeling a bit better.   Not 100% but a little bit.  Maybe I'll try and go in on Thursday night to make up for one of these days.   Maybe I'll work extra hours on Friday or maybe even see if they need me to go in on Saturday morning.  I want them to to know that I'm not just slacking off because my wedding is around the corner.  As of right now, all I can do is focus on getting better and keep planning my wedding and hope that I will be able to discuss this with them as soon as I'm well enough.

In sickness and in health

Called in sick to work again today.  I really hated having to do it but I could hardly talk without coughing.  My cold has now decided to pick up residence in my chest as well as my nose.  My voice doesn't sound like my own and I'm tired despite sleeping all day and most of the night.  Really, I'm exhausted which is super annoying because I can't do anything during the day because I just don't have the energy.  Nevertheless, I was able to get some work done on Dave's gift.

Blegh.  I don't want to write.  I just want to go back to bed and lay back down.  Sometimes laying down makes things worse and I've tried that and sitting but neither was really worse than the other.  Sitting just makes me feel more tired.  I really dislike not feeling well.  Dave seems back to normal so I'm hoping that I'll be myself in a week or so.  Regardless, so long as I don't get worse, I can still get married feeling like this.  Flying to Hawaii sounds like a nightmare in this state but maybe I'll be able to just stay in a NyQuil slumber for most of it.   Honestly, recovering on the beaches of Hawaii with my brand new husband doesn't sound like the worst thing that could happen.  

Really, in the end, so long as I get to marry Dave and I get to keep him in my life for years to come, I can deal with this.   Even if I'm congested, full of mucus, and generally feeling under the weather, it's not so bad so long as he's by my side.  I love him so much and even my sickness can't lessen my excitement about our upcoming marriage.  

Good intentions

I woke up not that long ago.  Dave's friend was supposed to come over to watch the Patriots game.  However, upon hearing my not feeling so well they decided to go to Johnny's house for the game so that I could come home and get some rest.  Now that I've rested and had some soup, I only marginally  feel better which is sort of irritating.  Like I said yesterday, I'm glad it's happening now but I'd prefer to have it not happen at all.   I feel like I've been sick a lot this year and I really hope that this is a tough yea and not a weird omen for years to come.  Despite having four extra hours of sleep, I'm still tired and run down and I'm not in the mood to do anything.  Not the best when in just weeks, I'll be walking down the aisle.  

I need to get things done.  There was a  whole bunch of DIY that I wanted to do for the bridesmaids gifts but I feel like I'm never going to get to it and that makes me super sad.  This tends to happen to me.  The quote, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" is an applicable phrase for me.  I always intend bring my decent ideas to fruition but I never seem to do.  Instead all I can think is "wow, that would've been a great gift or deed if I actually did it."  There's also the gift I want to give to Dave that I still need to order.  He noticed it on my own personal "to-do" list and brought it to my attention all concerned that he doesn't have anything for me.  I had to explain to him that he already got me my wedding gift when he gave me my engagement ring a year and a half ago. 

It's been almost a year and a half since we got engaged and the wedding is just around the corner.  I'm really excited about it.  There are certain things that probably won't get done at this point but many of the big things that I wanted will.  Like Katie says, no one will notice what you had planned but didn't actualize so there's really no need to stress about.  Ah, those good intentions... it's so easy to dream them up but so much harder to make them happen.  Maybe I should go work on some of them... 

Sickness

Good news and bad news at the same time which is always one of those weird situations.  Good news is that I think I caught whatever it was that Dave had.  Bad news, I think I caught whatever it was that Dave had.  My throat is a bit sore and my nose is super congestion despite taking the Rhinocort that normally helps.  At the moment Dave is pouring me a dose of NyQuil to hopefully make me feel better and help me sleep because I do have to go to work tomorrow.  Yeah, yeah, after giving Dave such a hard time about it, I'm doing the same thing.  I'm a one of those hypocrites that I tend to hate.

The good news is that I'm sick now which will hopefully mean that I'll be better for the wedding and honeymoon.  I think I might kill something if Dave and I end up passing this back and forth to each other.  Hopefully that won't happen though.  I just need to get some rest and try to take it easy.  So I should be up to snuff soon.  Again, I kind of need to be as we're sort of in the final stretch for the planning and stuff.  I got most of the things that I need to get done, done but I need to figure out what still needs completion.  Just maybe not now because I'm sleepy and stuff.

Enough said for tonight.  It's sleepy time for this soon to be bride.

Remind me to never not take my meds

I couldn't get home from work fast enough tonight.  In fact, I have a small confession to make.  For the past three days I haven't taken my medication.  It wasn't purposeful, by any means.  I normally take it at night and the past couple of nights I was all, "Crap I don't have anymore.  I need to remember to pick some up tomorrow."  Then tomorrow would come and I'd be running all over the place and I'd forget to pick it up only to remember when I go to take it again and it's too late to go out.  Dave picked it up for me tonight, thank goodness.

The downside to any of these medications is that you're not supposed to just stopped taking them.  You're supposed to slowly increase your dosage when you begin taking it and then slowly decrease the dosage to prevent the unwanted side effects.  Unwanted side effects like crazy dreams that prevent you from sleeping or napping properly.  Seriously, every time I wasn't doing something or going somewhere I was in bed trying to take a nap or to sleep but my crazy not so pleasant dreams prevented me from ever truly feeling rested.

However, the most profound side effect happened tonight and is still sort of happening (I've taken the meds now but I need to let them take effect).  I feel anxious.  Anxious and antsy.  Not panicky, though I feel like if I am presented with the wrong question or the wrong thought, I could easily overreact   What's crazy is that this is exactly how I used to feel before my collapse.  All throughout college and the first few years of Dave and me dating, I was in this high strung, anxious state.  It is no wonder that the smallest things would throw me into a tizzy.  Not realizing that it was anxiety at the time I would normally get angry or feel the need to start talking a mile a minute.  I'm sure Alli remembers the days when I would stop by her room and just pace and talk at her to help relieve some of these feelings.  Only recently did I ever make the correlation.

So yeah, I'm glad I remembered the medication tonight because I'd be freaking out without it.  Dave and I are supposed to go to the Big E tomorrow but something tells me that it won't be the day we had originally planned.  I had invited both Katie and Jamie to come along with us but then of course never reached out to them this week despite Katie's very reassuring voicemail a couple of days ago.  Or was that just yesterday.  These past few days have felt like a blur.   My thinking now is that if we do end up going we will just be going for a Maine baked potato and a creme puff. It's kind of a waste of money but I don't want us to run ourselves ragged.

Alright, writing this is not helping me to relax at all.   I think I need to lie down and see if that helps.

I better not get sick or so help me...

I am awake and I don't want to be.  I woke up to one of Dave's alarms that he must of forgot about and have spent the whole morning listening to him sniffle and sound downright miserable.  I asked if he wanted to take the day off to recover and he got all upset which just makes me more worried and anxious.  I don't want to be sick for my wedding or honeymoon!  I don't want him sick for it either.  Thing is, I always seem to get whatever it is he has and he is notorious for getting sick and better just in time for something I'm really looking forward to which means that I'm always sick for it.  Like Niagara Falls a couple of years ago.  He came down with a terrible flu about two weeks before and had recovered by a week after.  Sadly, though, I came down with it at two days before our trip causing it to have to be postponed by a day and even then I was there feeling awful for a good half of it and it just lessens it.

I don't want that to happen on such an important day.  He just stormed out of here because he's mad that I'm irritated and worried and annoyed that he won't take care of himself and get some extra sleep.  Yes, I love the fact that he has a strong work ethic and that his job is very important to him but it's times like this when I just want to scream at him.  When he had mono, he did this same thing. He forced himself to go to work, doesn't perform the way he can because he is sick, they get rightfully irritated because they don't know that he's sick, he's gets more stressed which causes him to try and work harder and for longer, making whatever it is that he has either a.) last longer or b) get worse.  Not once does it actually help him get better.  He swears by taking Airborne and things of that nature when he's sick but doesn't seem to get that sometimes the quickest and easiest way to feel better is by actually giving himself the rest his body is lacking.

Normally, this doesn't make me so aggravated but I'm be honest.  I'm a selfish bitch and my irritation is coming more from not wanting to get sick myself.  When this happens as it often does, I just tend to let things be.  I offer my suggestions and he can take it or leave it.  He's a big boy.  Then when I do catch it a week or so later, I handle it the way I think best to handle not.  It's not normally a big deal. It's a big deal now because we are almost at 2 weeks to our wedding.  Our lives are crazy.  I feel like we're constantly doing things and constantly working or thinking or planning which is fine; I don't mind that but it means that we're not resting and that means that if we catch anything, there's only so much we can do.  I hate it.  We never should have stayed up so late doing those stupid favors.

I really haven't felt that nervous about the actual wedding this whole time and people keep saying that it will come.  Well, it's here and I'm nervous because I don't want to be sick.   We were thinking about going to the Big E this Saturday but I'm not sure if I want to anymore.  I feel like I need to spend any time not working or planning resting trying to conserve my energies.  Walking around all day in a place that always makes my allergies worse and having to wake up at 7am on Sunday no longer sounds so appealing.  Not with being sick for my wedding looming over my head.   I want to go and I haven't missed it since Alli first introduced me to it back in college but... there are more important things than traditions I'm finding.  You've got very little if you don't have your health and everything good is never as good as it could be if you aren't feeling well enough to take it all in.

So boring bed rest it is.  If he won't do it for himself then I can only do it for me.  I can't make choices for him.   I can't force him to do anything or try to control how he handles being sick but I can do whatever I can to prevent myself from being sick.  If that means going to the store and buying lots of orange juice and taking Airborne and going to the bathroom every ten minutes then I'll do what I have to.  I will not get sick.  I won't.  I won't.  I won't!

Productively and "puppy love"

This week has been very productive thus far.  On Monday we ordered the favors which feels good because that took more work than I anticipated.  Yesterday, we ordered the pies and cider donuts from Cold Hollow Cider Creek.  I wrote thank you cards and delivered them to my coworkers for their amazing bridal shower.   However, today we really got things accomplished.  We got our marriage license, I had what will hopefully be my last fitting for my dress, Dave's purchased his groomsmen gifts, and I finally called the florist to rent our canopy and scheduled an appointment with them for my bridal bouquet.  We also choose our rehearsal dinner restaurant and went there for dinner tonight and I was more than satisfied with their food.  They had a wonderful selection of food that tastes really good and we can order for a reasonable price.  So that excites me.

Since Dave seems to be coming down with something, we came home and watched Aladdin!  We've been meaning to watch it forever now but for the past week we've hardly seen each other nevermind had enough time to watch a movie together.  There was a part of me that had forgotten how much I love that movie.  It made me want to watch the Little Mermaid (my second favorite Disney movie) and Beauty and the Beast.  There's something about Disney movies that makes falling in love so simple and innocent.  It does have that youthful, non cynical view of love that young people have before experiencing that first crushing heartbreak that shatters that view.  To me, there is something about Disney's portrayal that is wholesome and magical and there's a large part of me that sort of wishes love really was just like that.  Not to say that adult love is any worse.  I'd argue on a different day that experienced love is so much better and deeper and more valuable than the fresh take on it but today, I couldn't help but reminisce.

While we were watching the movie I started coughing and water didn't really do anything for me so I took some NyQuil and now I'm exhausted. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and I'm really excited for it despite not having a clue what to talk about.  Something good I'm sure.

Loving the show The New Girl

Despite going to bed super late last night I actually woke up with Dave this morning.  Really that's not the big deal.  The far bigger deal is that I ended up staying up on all day.  I was actually moderately productive and engaged in the day too which is very unusual on the days I have to work until 11.  Normally, I more lethargic, lazy, and down.  It felt good participating during the day on a work day.

I wonder how much that has to do with how productive Dave and I were last night. We never expected that finishing the wedding favors would take so long.  If we had known we would not have tried to tackled them at that hour.  However, we were able to finish customizing them and were able to place the order.  I'm excited about them arriving and I'm really, really hoping they look just as good in my hands as they seemed to on the computer.  There's also the major hope that there isn't some sort of glaring mistake on them that we didn't notice because it was 3am.  Knowing us, we probably spelled our names wrong.

Oh as an aside, I'm watching the show The New Girl with Zooey Deschanel and I'm totally loving it!  First, I think Zooey is gorgeous and cute and everything pretty but her character in this show is amazing.  She belongs in our group of friends and this is my new favorite show.  Too bad it's only a half hour, I could watch this for a while.  Thinking about this I just realized how sad it is that my comedy shows are seriously lacking.  I need to expand my collection of comedies and lessen my murderer of the hour shows.  So yeah, if anyone has recommendations, let me know.

Wow this post feels all over the place but I don't particularly care and I'm ready to go to bed.  Good night.

Another Bridal Shower!!!

Holy Canoli! What a day today was! It started off a bit rough as I slept far longer than I wanted to and didn't get any of the things I wanted/needed to get done for the wedding.  Still, I went into work fully determined that I would get them done tomorrow.  There was a big change at my company which I am currently unable to discuss due to the super remote possibility that someone from my work stumbles upon this or that one of our clients randomly reads this and figures out which company employs me.  The likelihood of that is so rare that it's kind of ridiculous that I'm censoring myself but Murphy's Law dictates that it would happen and I don't want to be fired.  Luckily for me, it will not effect my job security (so they said) or my pay which was slightly dependent on this change occurring.

Also, the woman who listen to and criticized (not constructively, mind you) all our phone calls randomly walked out last Friday.  I wasn't there but from what I heard she just got up and said something like, "Have a good day" and then just left.  She didn't say anything to management or anything; she just walked out the door.  Of course, over the weekend there were whispers and speculations about what happened and if she was okay.  Today, we all received an e-mail stating that she decided leave us and that was that.  A part of me feels badly but another part of me feels kind of vindicated.  Instead of just listen and "critiquing" our calls, she actually had to learn what we did and take calls herself.   We all knew she was struggling with learning everything.  I will admit, it's not a difficult job but there is a lot one has to remember and things seem to be constantly changing which some people think is too much for a call center.  She, I think, was one of them.  Honestly, it must be hard trying to learn it when you have to learn it from the people you so easily put down and harshly criticized just a few months ago.

These two things made it hard to focus and I was kind of happy when my team lead asked me to train one of my coworkers on merchant.  We were able to step away from the phones, go into the conference room, and I was able to shift my attention to something aside from that.  I spent about an hour showing her the system before returning back to my desk to find out that my coworkers threw me a bridal shower!!!  Seriously, I have work with the greatest people ever!  My desk was completely decorated and on top of it sat this gigantic basket full of baking goodies from my registry.  It was unbelievable especially since I was unable to invite them and they somehow figured out where I was registered.  To say I was shocked is an understatement.  My friends surprised me by when and where but I always knew that a bridal shower was going to be thrown.  I never in a million years expected something from my coworkers.  I knew we threw baby showers for people but no one's ever been married while I've been there.  I never even considered it!

Not only did they give me such an amazing bunch of gifts, they also cooked and served us all dinner!  Rita made the most delicious eggplant parmigiana with meatballs (I'm a self proclaimed meatball elitist and these were fabulous).  Leah made us these incredible egg rolls.  Normally, I'm not a fan of the egg rolls from Chinese restaurants but these were homemade and different and awesome.  Jen actually baked and decorated this gorgeous cake for me which she showed to me on her phone because on the way to work it fell and was ruined!  I felt so badly that she spent all that time and energy because the cake was super nice and she couldn't serve it.  Instead she ran to the grocery store, had a cake decorated for me, and brought that instead.   Jenny brought brownies and fruit and Tina brought chips and cookies.  It was so much food that it will serve us for tomorrow night as well!  Jen took pictures and I can't wait for her to send them to me.

So yes, I was and am super duper happy and overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of those around me.  I can't wait until tomorrow when I can write up their "thank you" cards.  So, so, so awesome!

My first attempt at describing happiness

Our wedding is three weeks from today!  How did that happen?  Even our bachelor/bachelorrette parties are now over.   I haven't had a chance to talk to Dave much since I've gotten back to work, my nose was all running, and my throat (as well as his) really scratchy, and more inclined to just zone out for a bit.  Sadly "a bit" at 11:30 means that by the time I get my bearings, he's on the way to bed. Despite our lack of talking, it appears that his night last night was just as fun as mine.  They took a ton of photos so he was showing them to me before he went to bed.  All but one of his friends were able to make it and I'm so glad.

The two of us are so lucky that we are surrounded by such wonderful people in our lives.  I can't speak to his night last night or how he feels about his friends (though I know he agrees with me); however, I can speak for mine.  While I was in the midst of my party I wrote last night's post, it was very hard to focus on writing. My mind was with my friends and yes, they will be more important than writing here.  This blog has been here with me for the past couple of months but they've been with me for years.  They are so important to me and they threw me such a great party that I can't even begin to describe it.

However, my recent goal was to attempt express my happiness.  Last night talking and laughing with my friends felt better than wrapping myself up in a warm blanket with a cup of hot coco on a cold winter's night.  The comfort and warmth that one feels when surrounded by friends from both high school and college who know you so well and have been through so much with you is one of the most treasured within my collection of joyful emotions.  Everyone has such busy lives; one of the biggest downsides of being an adult but each one of them made time out of their weekend to spend several hours with me celebrating my impending marriage.

Many of them are married themselves and it was like I was able to connect with them in a whole new way.  The best part is that not all of them are married; many of us are in various stages of singledom.  I'm about to get married; there are hints and whispers of a possible engagement for my sister, Beth is in a serious relationship with a great guy and has been for a while,  Jamie is still relishing the enchantment of a new love that was once old, Lauren is very much into her boyfriend but is trying to negotiate her future dreams with her present joys afraid to become too attached, and Alli who is embarking on a new journey of freedom as she has recently found not only the strength but the means to break away from her not so healthy relationship.   My married friends also have a bit of that variety with Angie about to celebrate her seven year anniversary and Sam whose been married not much longer than a year.

Such different stages and experiences made such delight conversation.  It wasn't all about weddings, marriages, and love lives.  I'd even argue that it was only the initial jumping off point for far more varied topics to be discussed.  Katie with the help of many of my bridesmaids planned many activities and games but we hardly needed them which I feel kind of bad about because I know so much thought was put into the planning of them.   Sipping a creamsicle tasting alcoholic beverages and moving through the beginning stages of drunkeness and back again my love for each of them felt like it was bursting out of my skin.  I wanted to envelope each of my friends with that love and rejoice in each of their life stages both the good and the bad parts.

How does one express her gratitude for such magnificent people?  Saying even the most sincere thank you and giving a giant hug just doesn't seem to cut it.  They deserve so much more and I hope that one day I'll be able to return a reciprocal sentiment to them.

It's my party and I write or won't if I want to!

Bachelorette party! Everyone was able to come and I can't even begin to express how happy I am! Had I written just a couple of hours ago this would be a very drunken post but I've sobered up at this point. Who knows how I will talk to cardholders tomorrow because I'm almost positive that I won't have a voice. I don't care though as I was/am determined to have an awesome time. I sent Dave a text not that long ago and I never got a response so i am pretty certain that he is having a good time.

However, as Alli recently quoted earlier,"oh I wish i had written earlier because I don't want to do it now." So yeah, that is quite what I would say and have said many a times here. It also is not the easiest to write while I am also having a conversation. Though we brought games and movies we had such awesome talks that it totally made and is making the night. But yeah my fifteen minutes are totally up so yeah short post. Deal with it. Really everyone who reads this is sitting in this room right now!

Excited for my party!

Tomorrow night I'm going to be hanging out with my ladies and I can't even begin to write about how excited I am.  We're going to have a slumber party!  It will be like I'm 15 again only with alcohol.  No, I didn't drink when I was 15, thank you.  I'm super excited for it too!  Some girls like to go clubbing or enjoy a party bus with strippers for their bachelorette bash which sounds like a blast if I wasn't the bride to be.  I have nothing against those options except that it tends to be far more expensive and is really high energy.  Not to mention the overwhelming flirtation with other men that aren't your husband to be.  I guess that's what I never understood: why go on a flirting binge now?  It's not like you can do anything.   Really, the same rules apply just before Dave and me marry that will apply after: looking, flirting, maybe dancing, but no more.  So really, what's the big deal except to maybe remind you why having strange men coming to grind behind you isn't as appealing as it may seem.

It's funny.  I totally just knocked the more provocative parties but I really didn't mean to because there is absolutely nothing wrong with a girl who chooses that kind of night out.  I wholeheartedly approve.  It's just not my style, I suppose.  Whenever someone says bachelor or bachelorette party, people always assume the worst or want to assume the worst but really I don't think many live up to that kind of hype.  None of my friends who have married have had that kind of party and none of Dave's either.  Maybe that's because you tend to attract people with similar mindsets as friends and there are a whole bunch of people who go to the nines.  In reality though, I doubt many of my girls would be comfortable with that kind of night out either.  They'd do it because they love me and all but out of all of us, it would be more my scene than any of theirs.  So in the end, a super sleepover with liquor works for everyone and that makes me all the more happy.

Speaking of, I need to make sure I write tomorrow before heading over to Jamie's.  How terrible would it be for me to be all like, "um... hold on guys.  I need fifteen minutes to post to my online journal."  LAME.  So maybe after I get my hair done and my dress fit and stuff but before getting together with everyone.  Um... I'll figure it out.  But now, I need to go enjoy this night with my man because I don't get to have him tomorrow.

The ticking clock

Time got away from me this evening as I got caught up in shoe hunting.  When I went for my last fitting I wore my shoes for the entire day and by the time I took my dress off that evening, my feet were really angry with me.  What's frustrating is that they look so good and I do think they'd be more comfortable if the toes weren't so squeezed.  Plus, doing a basic search online I'm not finding anything  is working for me.  There is a huge part of me that is wishing I got my dress measured with flats because that would guarantee my comfort.   Well, I've got 3 weeks to find something.  I'm watching Project Runway and "make it work" seems fitting.

I also created what will hopefully be our final "to do" list for the wedding.  Or at least the second to last one.  It's actually not that long which is much better than what I was expecting.  There's still a good deal to do but I'm really hoping to get some of these things checked off over the weekend.  Dave is starting to worry too which makes me want to get these things checked off all the more.  It's tough as the clock is ticking down and I'm afraid we're not going to get to something really important or we're going to forget something.  Thank goodness I'm on my medication and going through therapy because I would be freaking out if this had been two years ago.  Not like, "Oh my God!  We're never going to get this done!" but more the crying everyday thinking that I was incapable of planning anything and being completely overwhelmed and stressed.

So, I'll keep you updated on how it goes.  I'm really hoping to get a good number of things done.

Short Post

"Hello. I love you. Won't you tell me your name?"  Why is it that every time I want to get something done really quickly this song jumps into my head?  It's strange.  Anyway, yeah today is another one of those days that I really don't want to write and wish I had done it earlier.  Instead I want to watch a movie in bed about a lesbian affair; hey, don't knock it.  It actually has some pretty decent reviews on Netflix.  Not to mention that it's one of the only movies that seem semi interesting that I can watch instantly.  Is it me, or did they completely lessen their selection?  Ah, well such is the way of things once people catch on and companies realize they can make more money by doing less.  Well, I suppose I should get this written now so I can chill.

I got to see Alli today.  Finally!  I feel like I never see her or Beth and I love and miss them a lot.  They just moved in together and I got to see their new place which is incredibly, incredibly nice.  My hope is to hang out there more often after the wedding, even if it is just to watch them sew.  I'm a decent onlooker.  Maybe we can imitate college and I'll play DDR while they work arduously on whatever project at hand.  Both seem to be doing well and are very happy with their choice of living arrangements and I must agree.  I'm excited to see what it will look like when everyone is fully moved in and the place is decorated.  Also, Alli got to take her dress home as it fits her perfectly now that it's not four sizes too big.  Things are really coming together and I'm super excited about it.

Okay, I'm done.  I got through my requisite two paragraphs and I'm ready to watch my movie.  Hmm... now that I'm about to finish this entry, I can help but feel like this entire entry would have been far more entertaining if I wrote song lyrics.  Maybe I'll attempt to do that later.

How not to sell a vaccination

My coworker told me a story today that really infuriated me.  She has a sixteen year old daughter with autism and she is always sharing the cutest stories about her.  Today though, I couldn't get over this particular story and seeing as I'm thinking about it even six hours after she told it to us, I figured I'd vent about it here.  She brought her children to a new doctor get physicals today and the doctor asked her if she wanted to give her daughter the HPV vaccine.  A concerned parent, my coworker said  no as the vaccination hasn't been around all that long and just wasn't interested.  Okay, I get that doctors may push a vaccine but this doctor was absurd.  Her response in front of her daughter was, "Well, did you hear about the mental institution where all the girls were raped and got HPV?  You're not always going to be around and you may want to think about your daughter's heath after."

WHAT? I seriously don't know how my coworker didn't lose her shit over that!  I don't have children  but I think I would have left the office right there and demanded my co-payment back.  How dare she?  I have a few major, major issues with her response.  One, how dare you say something like that in front of the little girl.  She may be sixteen but according to my coworker she has the mentality of an 11 year old. Way to scare the crap out of her by talking about how she could be raped or that her parents may die in the near future.  Two, my coworker is not old so what's up with bringing her mortality into this conversation.  And mainly... who says that she will be entering some kind of home.  Just because her daughter has autism does not mean that she will have to eventually go into an institution!  To say I was appalled by this doctor is an understatement.  Again, even if you feel like she does need the vaccine, that is not how you sell it.

Of course, pushing it at all is irritating as it only reinforces the idea that this vaccine is purely for financial gain than medical.  Having said that, I chose to get the HPV vaccine for my own personal reasons.  I made the decision though after I was given the pertinent information, the risks, the potential benefits.  But that's the thing: I made the choice.and it had absolutely nothing to do with any fear mongering from my doctor.  It is an optional vaccine that hasn't been around for a while so we don't know of any long term side effects or even benefits so I get that there is some reluctance.  Not to mention that getting the vaccine requires a series of three shots that have some pretty icky potential side effects.

It is the parent/patients job to make the decision to be vaccinated with this vaccine.  It is the doctor's job to give the appropriate information.  Why is this vaccination worthwhile?  What are the risks or potential side effects?  Why does getting this vaccine outweigh the risks?  That's how one should try to sell it if the doctor believes it needs is truly necessary but the way she went about it was completely unprofessional.  Thanks for reading my rant.

Positive experiences, positive post

Such a good day today!  My parents, my grandmother, Laura, Ben, Dave's mom, Dave, Jamie, Katie, Jared, and me all got together in a room rented at Laura and Ben's apartment complex to get crafty.  I knew we were going to need some extra help but we got such an incredible response that it was almost like we didn't have enough to do!  What would have taken Dave and me a whole day full of painting and gluing took the entire group of us no more than 2 hours.  2 hours is an over exaggeration  as it had to take much less than that.  My mother, sister, grandmother, Jamie, Dave, Dave's mom and me all tackled the painting.  Katie and Jared managed the gluing all the centerpieces and my father and Ben ran all the errands.

Of course, people individually shared their skills in their own ways:  Jamie spent far more than two hours painting the numbers on our little pumpkin table numbers, Katie figure out a way to make our twelve magnets almost double in use, Jared played centerpiece surgeon when a couple were maimed on the way to the car.  Overall, it was a huge team effort and it was so much fun.  Though we finished super early, we spent a few more hours chatting and laughing and having a good overall time.  It was one of those days that I felt super lucky to have such great people in my life. 

I must say, planning this wedding has really shown me how great the people in our life are.  Jamie wrote a blog article earlier about how difficult it is to express the good, happy moments and feelings.  It's so easily to be open and expressive about pain and melancholy but it's not the same with joy.  As she far more eloquently put it, "It’s harder to crystallize joy, and part of you doesn’t even want to: capturing something that ephemeral feels as though you might accidentally crush it."  She's right about that though.  I don't know about anyone else but writing about my pain is like a purging of it from my soul.  I don't want to purge my happiness though.  I want to keep it, cling to it, embrace it fully, because I know it won't last. 

Based on that logic though, wouldn't it be better to put it down on paper all the more?  These happy moments are so difficult to remember during the more troubling times and it might be more helpful to read about them.  So I think that will be one of my future goals; trying to figure out how to post my positive feelings as I feel them.  I just hope it's a challenge I can succeed at it.

All over the place

I've determined that there must be something about Sunday where patience and strength of calm are at their weakest.  Maybe it's like that for humans in general and that's why Sunday was the day chosen as the day of rest and prayer.  I'm beginning to think that I might need to reclaim my Sunday for my own purposes as well not allowing myself to do anything but rest or pray because it's becoming quite apparent to me that working or attempting any kind of future planning is just too much for me to handle.  It's quite amazing how quickly I became overwhelmed or irritated by things today.  At first I thought that my frustrated Sundays had to do not getting enough sleep.  However, I practically slept all day today and I was still completely irrational so I doubt that sleep has anything to do with it.

Maybe I'm just in need of a vacation.  It's been almost a full year since my last one and I was such a psychological mess back then (yes, even more than I am now) that I didn't get the same sort of benefits that I normally get when I go away.  There's that and the fact that I'm still getting used to the real world.  The idea that school or college prepares you for the world is such a joke.  Absolutely nothing about 2 hour classes, months off during the year, and the constant changing of subjects prepares you for the long monotonous days of the real world workforce.  I'm not used to doing the same thing every day with few long breaks.  Sure it is less stressful than school which makes the long breaks less necessary but going more than a year without more than a couple of days off at a time is difficult.

In addition, school doesn't prepare you you for the real world necessities such as managing your home and your finances.  Granted I lived a very privileged existence compared to many of my peers.  Growing up our top priorities were excelling in school, skating, and theater.  It was important to my parents to have us be educated, well rounded individuals.  Of course, through these activities I've learned a great deal of life skills.  From school, I learned how to meet the expectations of various authority figures, how to easily transition from subject to subject, how to work under pressure, think critically, and how to handle some basic problem solving.

Figure skating taught me whole different set of skills such as that the world is a very subjective place.  Two people can watch the same performance and score you completely differently.  It also taught me that although patience and dedication can pay off, sometimes even if you try your best doesn't necessarily mean you'll succeed.  Overall, I learned that no matter how many times I fell that I needed to get up and keep going.  Participating in theater gave me the skills needed to work as a member of a team and the importance of everyone working together toward a common goal.  Most importantly, it taught me how to get up in front of a large audience and sing or recite lines and convey an emotion.  One of people's biggest fears is speaking in front of a large group and that is not something that I have an issue with.

Unfortunately, running around from school to skating to theater didn't really give me the opportunities to get learn how to manage a home or my finances.  We ate out most of the time as there really wasn't enough time to cook a meal despite my mother being a pretty decent cook.  Although my mother tried, I never really took to the whole cleaning thing and I didn't learn how to do my own laundry until I was in college.  How sad is that?

 More than that though was that I never really learned how to manage my money.  I had a job from the time I was a sophomore and was working full time every summer from my junior year on but I apparently just spent the money like nothing.  Growing up I learned that big purchases needed to be prioritize and may not always be something that we could afford.  I remember specifically telling my mother that I didn't want her to spend my mother to spend my college fund on skating and I chose to go the public high school over the private one because $5,000 a year didn't seem practical to me.  So I had a basic understanding but I never really learned how work day to day expenses.  Graduating from college was a giant learning experience in making money and paying bills.

Good day

Phew!  I'm almost done with purchasing the bridesmaid gifts.  Normally I'm not the best shopper when it comes to gifting but I had so much fun with the themes that I set out for each of them.  Of course, some purchases gave me a couple of issues but I will check those out tomorrow when it's not 2:30 in the morning.  There's also some DIY that I would ideally like to get done but the pressure is off now that the majority of the gifts have been ordered and I feel comfortable with what I have for everyone without them.  Now, it's just a matter of waiting for each of them to come in as they were almost all shopped online.  How sad is it that this is the first time where I've ordered the bulk of my shopping online?  It's only 2011 and I'm just now beginning to understand and use online shopping.  Hopefully it will all go well as it will more than likely determine any other online shopping I'll do in the future.

So yes, I'm really excited about that as I've basically spent all day working on it today (with the exception of the small nap I took earlier).  I'm also super excited that I don't have to wake up at the crack of dawn tomorrow morning.  One of my coworkers needed a last minute switch so she'll be working my schedule and I'll be working hers which makes me feel good for a few reasons.  One, I love that I get to help her out especially since she's helping me out the weekend of the 10th for my bachelorrette party and two, I get to sleep in tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be a working day for me though as I'll probably not wake up until 10am at the earliest and I have to be at work for 4 and won't be home until 11:30 which cuts into my Sunday quite a bit.  It's actually the major reason I chose to work 7am-3pm permanently on Sundays.  I may be tired but I have a solid few hours after work to do stuff.

Overall, I'm really excited about the progress of tonight.  Now, before I go to bed I want to make sure we have all the materials needed for Monday crafting party and play more of that game of Dave's.  Woot Woot.

Hairlessness

So that game I told you about yesterday?  I am even more in love with it now.  When I got home from work I found myself in a sour mood and sat on the couch bumming while trying to continue to search for bridesmaid gifts.  As Dave went to bed, I still couldn't figure out what was causing my mood and I felt bad that it was affecting Dave as well.  Poor guy kept thinking that he did something wrong but he didn't do anything to encourage that mood.  I'm not sure where it came from at all.  A part of me was ready to go to bed myself even though I wasn't that tired.  That was when I realized that I hadn't written yet and my mood became even worse.  So Dave then asked if I wanted to play that game and I decided, "why not?"  Well, not only did it better my mood somewhat, it also re-energized me.

Still, I'm not really in the mood to write as I'd prefer to keep playing but I can feel myself becoming more and more tired and I know I need to get this out so I can go to bed.  On a completely unrelated note, I totally love my hairless arms.  For the past few days, I've enjoyed feeling their smoothness and softness.  The hair may be growing back but it's not stubbly like my legs get after shaving.  It's causing to contemplate waxing my legs before going to Hawaii as well.  It might be nice to not have to shave constantly while I am there. Also I love the fact that I'm finding that I'm stopping myself from hiding them when I think people might be noticing them.  If I thought someone might be gazing in their direction before I'm put them behind my back or hide them beneath my desk.  I'd think about them when putting on a t-shirt and find myself having to get over whatever insecurity I had but today, it hardly occurred.  It's a good feeling to not always have to see my deepest insecurity.

It really is too bad that it will eventually grow back.

Video games

Today I had two great conversations with Katie and Jamie over the phone.  It's funny that though I hate talking on the phone, I can talk to both of them for over an hour and feel like there's still so much more to say.  Each conversation touched upon the obvious topics of discussion related to the wedding but the two talks were each so different which is what I love about my friends.  I love that I can talk for an hour with one of my friends about one interesting topic and then much later in the evening talk to another about something completely different but just as engaging.  It's cool and it is one of the many things that I appreciate about my friends.

Since writing that last paragraph about an hour has past. Normally I ask that I be uninterrupted while I write as it always makes it more difficult to continue once I get distracted.  However, the game Dave was playing on his iPad while sitting in front of me captured my interest.  I can't recall the name of it at the moment and he's put himself to bed so I can't ask him just yet but it was one of the few games that I actually tried my hand at playing.  As I'm always honest here, I've never greatly appreciated video games.  When I was a child, my father forbid video games from the house seeing them as something we could get caught up in too easily that would prevent us from doing other more important or active things.  Not to mention that potential fights that they would inevitably cause between my sister and me.  

Back in the early 90s video games were far from what they are today.  They were meant for entertainment primarily.  By the time the really cool games like Final Fantasy (it's one of the only ones that I know, sorry) where there was an actual story that one needed to read in order to play, I had already lost interest in what they had to offer.  Once college came around, investing forty hours in a video game when I didn't have a console of my own was not something I legitimately considered. I wasn't about to usurp a friend's system and play for hours on end.  It felt rude to me and I didn't have the desire to actually purchase a console of my own so I never got into it.   I can't help but also admit that the fact that my ex was an avid game player didn't do anything to help my interest.

However, today there are so many interesting and really cool games out there that I'm constantly surprise.  I know that Dave would love me to get more involved when he plays but killing zombies  for hours on end isn't really my cup of tea.  He loves it and has a great time with his friends playing but I couldn't get into it.  It didn't help that I always felt like I was terrible and always holding me back even if they would never say that and were more than encouraging.  I wanted to practice to get up to their level but then had zero motivation to play it without the social aspect. There's a part of me that feels bad that I'm so resistant.  I know it disappoints Dave and I hate that.  But I digress. I was saying that today there are so many games that require you to think or create or engage your mind in so many more interesting ways than watching television.

The game that just got into is meant to do something completely unexpected.  This game is actually designed to calm you down.  It requires you to slow down and take your time and plays the most soothing music.  I really enjoyed it.  It might be really helpful to pick up and play when I'm feeling stressed out or rushed.  Dr. Mario was wonderful when I was really upset and unable to stop my rapid fire thoughts.  It wasn't until later that Dave sent me article which stated that games like that can actually help people with PTSD.   I couldn't find the exact article but I was able to find this one about Tetris that basically says the same things.  For so long I had such a bias against video games and it is really one of those areas where my dislike was due more to my ignorance rather than anything well thought out.  All the more reason to learn a bit about something before passing judgment.