Screw it, I'm calling the damn doctor.

My allergies suck ass. People may think i'm overreacting but I'm not. I came home today partly because I don't want to stay in my apartment any longer than I have to. I'm actually at my house while my mother researches how to hopefully see my former doctor who is an allergy Specialist. He may not be the best primary care physician; however as an allergist he is both aggressive and thorough. That's what I need right now.

Even my parents who have witnessed many past allergy flare ups haven't seen me this bad in ages. While I was at work I went through an entire roll of toilet paper (my company doesn't provide us tissues because they are super cheap) and once I had finished the roll Dave came up and brought me three tissue boxes. Since work I've gone through an entire separate tissue box and am almost done with a second one. We bought this thing called a Neti Pot which looks like a little teapot only its primary function is to irrigate my nostrils by shoving saline solution through my nose. It's super uncomfortable and it helped at first but the second time I tried to use it, it ended up stinging and burning.

I'm so tired of this and it seems like nothing I'm trying to do is working which only compounds my frustration. So alas, tomorrow I will be calling my doctor and beg him to allow me to see my former doctor despite him not being part of his medical practice. I was really reluctant to take it to this level but I feel like I no longer have a choice. Hopefully this struggle won'T be as bad as I'm anticipating. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Invitation Creation

Guess what?  I'm not going to write a depressing post tonight.  Even I get tired of my depressing crap; my daily struggles and small victories.  Still, I suppose this is what living life is about, is it not?  Managing pain and embracing elation continue sway back and forth like a pendulum of a grandfather clock quietly ticking away the seconds and counting the mini moments of our lives.  I wanted that to sound more poetic than it does, ah well.  Anyway, this is not going to be a sad, confused, and weepy post like the recent few.  Though I won't make any promises for posts of the future.

Dave and I are officially making progress on the invitations.  We made some of the official decisions today, went out and bought the necessary materials, and in the beginning stages of putting them together.  Had we not discarded an original look, we could be further along but we both agreed that printing them on the paper we most recently bought looks far better than what we already purchased.  Unfortunately, it means that we've thrown $35 down the drain but I suppose that happens at times.  Even so, we will still have spent less than what we might have found or ordered for a specialty shop.  I went online to get an idea of how much a basic digital print of an invite would cost and if we purchased only the amount needed the total would come to $147.95.  This is from the more modestly priced http://www.weddingpaperdivas.com/; a wonderful site for simple, cheap invites.

This is very pretty but this is all I would get for $147.98;
 no special backing, pocket folds, response cards, envelopes
as those all cost extra.

For those who really don't want to think about designing their invitations or don't have enough time and don't want to spend a small fortune, these are perfect.  The above is just one of the many beautiful designs that they offer; however Dave and I decided that invites were not where we wanted to spend the bulk of our money and neither of us would be content with just the above as our invitation.  Of course, this means doing a lot more of the work ourselves, testing things, discarding things, and taking a lot more of time than many would want to take out of their daily lives for invitations that we hope will turn out almost as lovely.  Tonight we spent the night cutting, gluing, and stamping.  Hopefully they won't take too long to dry and we'll be able to print, cut, and paste the actual invitations in the cards without smothering the ink.  I am really hoping that in the end they will meet our expectations enough for us to be comfortable sending them to friends and family.

In a few more days, we'll see and the plan is that everyone else will see sometime within the second week of August.

Victim, Survivor, or Both?

I want to move on within myself, beyond myself.  My last talk with my therapist consisted of whether or not I can continue to watch the shows that I spent the last week not watching.  We determined that if I understand what I my fascination is and what I get from watching them then I can begin to try watching them again.  So of course, I've begun to watch them again.  For the most part, I've been able to watch these without the same effects that I've had in the past.  However, the one that was one while I was typing this particular post was particularly disturbing.  Referencing it here helps.  I remind myself why I want to watch these kinds of shows  understanding that my fascination is rooted in the desire to relate to others that are classified as victims and my futile attempt to understand the people who victimized.

Somehow doing this is helping me come to terms with my own victimization.  I'm so resistant to the term victim.  I don't like the idea that I was compromised by someone like him.   In fact, I despise the idea.  For me, it represents every weakness in myself that I long to bury and refuse to acknowledge.  However, the fact that I can somewhat relate to others who have experienced victimization and the desire to do so is my way of beginning to acknowledge that there was a part of my own life where I played this part.  Then there is also the strange comfort that I find from knowing what else could be out there.  Watching these shows I see women and men that I would never expect be subjected to horrific trauma inflicted by others.  They too are victims.  More than that, if they managed to avoid death, they suddenly are survivors.  Is it possible for me to be a survivor when my actual life was never threatened?  

Creating Yourself

Yesterday I pinned a saying on Pinterest that really got me thinking.  By thinking, I mean that I feel like I should think about it a bit more.  The quotation that inspires me states, "Life isn't about finding yourself.  It's about creating yourself."  It actually reminds me of something Jamie said to me back when we were seniors in high school: "You create your own happy."  I wish I could say that I've found myself or created a self I'm proud of since high school but I really haven't.  I've learned a lot and am so much better off than then.  Since high school I've met some incredible people, attained a college degree, and gathered a whole many more of both positive and negative experiences but can I say that I know who I am more now than I did then?  I can't and that really bothers me.

For so long I've been trying to find myself, trying to figure out who I am and what I like.  Last night I was telling Alli that her and Jamie are easy to buy for because they have a very distinct sense of self.  They know what they like and they have a variety of things they are passionate about.  Of course, they have a lot of questions about themselves, their own insecurities, vulnerabilities, and a lot of personal growth ahead of them (like us all) but they just know themselves a bit more than I know myself.  Perhaps I'm entirely wrong, though.  People think I have it together and know myself a lot more than I actually do.  So maybe that's how it seems to me with them.   Sometimes I wonder if those around us know us better than we know ourselves.  They can see our strengths that we can't see and the weaknesses we refused to see.

Anyway, I digress.  The idea that I could create myself wasn't all that new to me but I must of encountered it at the right moment because it had a profound effect.  If I were to create myself, who would I be?  What would I enjoy?  How would I like to describe myself?  These questions seem like they would have some easy answers but they actually don't.  Jamie actually sent me e-mail regarding this exact topic yesterday as well.  It was an e-mail that I needed to read and I'm still trying to put together my thoughts so that I can write her a response that is adequate.  It's another one of those, "I have so many thoughts but not sure how to articulate them."  I've been having that problem a lot recently.

Hopefully, by the end of this year I'll be on my way to creating myself.  Maybe I'll notate some of them here at some point.

More Gratitude

I'm still getting used to the idea that people know things before I actually talk about it with them.  That's both an upside and a downside to having this online journal.  Writing things down here makes it seem like I'm repeating them when I actually go to tell someone about it.  Not that anyone complains.  They are such good friends to read it here and then listen to me talk about it at length despite the fact that it's so similar.   I really appreciate that because it different to talk about it as opposed to write about it.  When I type it here, I write it for me.  Yes, I've given those closest to me the address to read along if they choose but I don't expect that of them.  However, I feel like I make a choice when I choose to discuss it with one of them and I love that they listen even if it's just to humor me.  

Speaking the words to a close friend means so much more to me than knowing that they've read it here.  I truly appreciate it if that same friend does read it first but it's different.  So yes, while driving Alli home tonight from getting her dress fitted I couldn't help be feel so grateful for her listening to me go on about things we both knew I had already written about.  Jamie listened to me on Sunday too.  I didn't say any words of thanks then but I thought it.  I'm just so lucky to have such good friends in my life.  Yesterday, when I was feeling grumpy and out of sorts, Katie helped me talk through it and I felt so much better about it.  My mother has given me both of her ears many times too.  And then there's Dave who hears some it before I write, then reads about, and then likes to talk to me about it after I've written it.  Not every post of course.  There are many times that I don't know how I'm feeling until I put it down in words but then he is always there if I feel like discussing it afterward.  How extremely lucky am I now?  

That's something so incredibly important to remember when I'm in the middle of something dreadful. It's so easy to get caught up in the past and dwell on the things that happened then and the loneliness and anger I felt at that time.   But that time is over and my life has turned a corner.  Things are good for me and I am very happy.  I understand that I can't try to ignore any negative feeling that may come up.  They will come up and they may linger for a while but I need to remind myself during those times that the feelings are temporary and residual from old events.  They aren't current feelings.  Again, I'm so grateful.  I get to deal with the feelings and come to terms with them in a such a safe and comforting environment.  

My past my not have been something that I would wish for anyone but my present (even with the  lingering pain) is so wonderful.  I'm so excited for the day that I move through all this.  Even if full integration doesn't come before I marry, I know it will come eventually.  Hell, it's not like I'm never late; it's seems fitting.  

I'd rather be...

I should of wrote this morning when I thought I had a lot more to say and I had the desire to put words to the screen.  Now, I still have thoughts on what to say but my desire is far less.  At the moment Dave is laying in bed next to me feeding his little zombie garden while he waits for me to type something before we can snuggle and fall asleep.  That is what I'd rather be doing more than this at the exact point in time.  I feel like I really haven't had him to myself in a while, not since last Thursday I think and I miss him.  Yes I know that this phase of missing your man after a small four days will pass but I plan to enjoy it while it lasts.  This is four days of me not having him to myself mind you.  I did spend most of Saturday night dancing with him at the wedding.

Still I worked until 11pm on Friday while he worked during the day and maybe saw him for an hour before bed.  Okay, I'll admit that I did spend Saturday with him but I had to share and let's face it.  When it comes to him, I've been really selfish lately.  I want all of his attention.   Sunday, I worked and got to see Aimee and Jamie and Sam and though I wouldn't ave traded that night at all, I didn't get home until he was fast asleep.  I slept most of the day Monday and went to work.  When I came home I was grumpy it was exacerbated partially because he was asleep at his computer when I came through the door and I couldn't gripe at him.  Then today, we went out to see a friend from childhood's musical (yes she co-wrote and starred in it) with my mom and my sis. Remind me to write about that at some point.

So yes, I am really longing for some snuggles.  Normally, this would be something that I would scoff at and feel stupid about but I don't.  I don't at all.  Sure, it's cheesy and perhaps infuriating to those without someone like this in their lives but that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy it for myself.  I can and I will.

Grumpy

I'm in a mood right now.  Grumpy and grouchy and unhappy.  I think I know why but I'm not feeling like talking about it and getting into it.  I'm just tired and I really shouldn't be because I slept in so late.  Still, I'm tired.  I'm tired of my mood swings, I'm tired of my allergies, I'm tired of my apartment, I'm tired of everything.  I just want to go away.  I want to get married next week and go on our honeymoon.  I want to move out.  Sigh, I hate feeling this irritated.  I've come to the conclusion that it's this dammed apartment that is instigating my allergies.  When I leave it, I manage to get a bit better then I come home and everything gets set off again.  I hate it and I'm sick of it.  God, I was even happy to be walking into work today because I knew I'd start to feel better once I was there.

So yeah, I don't know.  I have a lot of thoughts and feelings going through me at the moment and I don't know how to articulate them.  Part of me doesn't want to articulate them.  I just want them to go away.  I don't like feeling like I'm disappointed in people I care about or worse that I've disappointed them somehow.  I hate it when others decide for me what I need and then resent me for it.  That's frustrating and unfair.  Just because I'm going through a difficult time right now doesn't mean I can't handle the difficult emotions of others.  I'm not going to shatter because someone else feels like hell too.  I get that this is why people don't discuss their losses openly; knowing your past people changes how people treat you.  Like there afraid that they may say or do the wrong thing and everything will unravel.

Right now I know that this sounds harsh and I'm sure there is a much better way to articulate that tiptoeing around me isn't going to help me anymore than actually saying or doing the wrong thing.  I don't even know what the wrong thing would involve.  I've talked with my coworkers about it and they understand.  When Brittany's father died, she felt it constantly.  Like, "oh I can't mention my own father anymore because she doesn't have hers."  Leah understood it too having lost her little boy.  People would be afraid to mention children around her and never quite new how to act.  She said that she hated it because she just wanted to move on.  It's nice to know that they understand.  I'm not angry at these people even though it seems like I am right now.  I'm really, truly not.  I greatly appreciate that fact that they care enough about me to be concerned about how to act around me.  That means a lot and that's how I've always viewed their actions but today it was just more difficult.

Honestly, I'm probably frustrated about many other deeper, more personal things that I'm not even aware of at the moment and right now this is how my mind is trying to channel it.  Hmphf.  I'm going to bed. Hopefully, it will all be better in the morning.

I need a tissue

It's officially too late, I'm tired, and I don't want to write.  Is that enough to sustain me for this evening?  Funny, I actually sat here and stared for a few minutes while I contemplated posting the shortest post ever written on this blog.  Then I thought better of it knowing that I would never consider two sentences to be adequate enough when I wake up tomorrow.  For some reason, I'm not particularly in the mood for tomorrow.  There's nothing particularly dreadful that I have to do tomorrow aside from work which can full into the dreadful category on any given day but... yeah so not finishing that thought.  It's my blog and I don't have to, so ha.  Oh I have hit my punchy o'clock hour.

A part of me wants to talk about my day but there's a whole other part of me that is kind of bored with the whole, "Today I did..." It reminds me of my journal entries from the second and third grade. I suppose that documenting the day is just as important as documenting one's feelings and thoughts on all sorts of topics but when I've bored myself, then I know I overstepped the invisible blog line.  Invisible blog line? See, so I know when I started this I said I wouldn't be editing anything but that was a teeny little bit of a lie.  If I actually didn't do any editing at all, this is how all of my posts would read.  Dammit my tissues are across the room and I need one now but I'm writing and I don't want to get up until I'm done so I can go to bed.  Look at all my thoughts just roll from my fingers without any structure or some other word that conveys what I'm trying to say right now.

Gah, forget it.  I really need that tissue.  Stupid nose making me end this mindless babble sooner than expected.

Weddings

What a beautiful evening! Dave and I went to our mutual friends' wedding and it was everything that a bride and groom would want.  I'm sure that the knowledge that my wedding is just around the corner contributed to my crying at least four different times.   The touching, genuine happiness I felt at their wedding is exactly the kind of sentiment I hope to create with our wedding.  Well, at least for the beginning of the wedding anyway: the ceremony and toasts and things of that nature.  After that I really want it to be all fun, dancing, and laughter.  

So, what were my favorite aspects of their wedding?  My most favorite were the bride and groom.  They are both incredibly nice people who love each other dearly.  I first met both of them at the beginning mine and Dave's relationship while at one of the numerous parties we attended.  Though they weren't dating at the time (I think she was with someone... I don't remember) but it was clear that feelings existed between them that spoke to more than friendship.  At the time, I learned that they had been friends since middle school and they recently gotten back in touch.  It wasn't more than a couple of months later that they began dating.  Not long after they began their relationship we met up with them again and she was on cloud nine and she glowed with such happiness.   It came as no surprise to either of us when they announced their engagement.  

Back to the wedding.  Let's see the first time I cried was watching her walk down the aisle.  She was seriously so pretty despite the fact that tears of happiness were welling up in her eyes.  The smile on his face clearly showed his awe at her.  It was incredibly touching and though Dave and I plan to see each other before I come down the aisle (for multiple reasons) I couldn't wait for that to be us.  Their ceremony was beautiful put together.   Having been friends since middle school they chose to have their ceremony's focus be on the intimate friendship that exists between a husband and wife.   Their vows were said through more tears which of course caused me to cry again.   It was such a joyous ceremony.   Then there were the incredibly touching toasts of the bride's father and best friend.   Yes, each of them made me cry.  

In the end, I couldn't have asked for anything better for the two of them.  It also made me super excited for my own wedding.  Trying to articulate just how excited I am to marry Dave is impossible.   It is more love than I've ever felt before.  I'm so lucky.  Maybe that's why I'm not as concerned with the details.   I am marrying him in front of our friends and family and I couldn't really want anything more than that.  Even if for some horrible reason, Dave and I couldn't get married at our venue I wouldn't care.  I'd bring everyone I could to a tiny hall with our officiant and just have him marry us there.   As someone whose struggled with issues of commitment, I feel like I've officially crossed over.  I want to be married; I trust us and I trust him and that's a great feeling.  

Something more

Feeling so much better tonight, thank goodness.  I'm not 100% but comparatively, this is something  I can handle without wanting to kill anyone.  I felt so badly for Dave as I was quite the grumpy bitch at him until I went to bed at 10:40ish.  Yes, I was bitchy even after he worked so hard to clean up the place hoping to make me feel better. I'm a horrible soon to be wife.  Luckily I was tired enough to go to bed before I could make his night miserable too.  So that was a good thing and I'm much happier tonight.

While I was work, I thought of a bunch of different things to write about tonight but now can I remember a single one of them?  Nope, not at all.  I should really learn to write these things down when I think of them.  Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how to go about figuring out what I want to do in my life.  Yes, I know that right now I should be focused on the wedding but let's be honest.  The day I come back from our honeymoon is a day of reckoning for me.  I will no longer be able to say, "I'll figure that out once I'm married..." So yeah, I've been thinking recently about what I'm going to do to try and figure it out.

Truth is, I'm great at pretending that I'm better at things than I am.  When I listen to a great song sometimes I'll fantasize that I composed it (despite knowing not even a little about music), when I read something compelling, I pretend that I wrote it.  If I stroll past an incredible piece of artwork, I wish I could do something like that.  In my mind I'm great at whatever it is that I encounter at the moment.  The reality is that I'm not a great musician, vocalist, writer, artist, anything really.  I don't have anything that I do really well and though I aspire greatness like we all do, I don't know which direction to look in for it.  

I used to think I had a knack for teaching until I got into the field and realized I'm not as talented as I thought.  In the end, teaching wasn't for me despite my wanting it to be and my trying to force it.  There's a fear that I may feel this way about just about anything I encounter.  I guess I'm just tired of being good at something.  I want to be really good at something.  I want others to look at my work and be impressed the way they are when they see Jamie act or when they read something Alli wrote.  Sorry I keep referencing you two but it's true; I admire what you do and I know others agree with me.   I want to find something like that for myself.

For a while I was thinking "blogging" but I've been doing this for a year and honestly I'm not that great at it.  Add to that the simple fact that I don't have anything specific to talk about and I'm just not sure if that's the best fit either. Still, I plan on doing it again once this year is over so I don't know.  As Dave would say, "What to do?"

Allergies suck, okay?

Seriously, I'm ready to rip my immune system out and give me one without issues.  I wish I could do that.  I'm totally grateful that these are only allergies and it's not something more serious but it has become more than obnoxious at this point.  For the past four days, I've been taking Allegra hoping that it would make me feel better and yesterday I actually did feel better.  My nose wasn't running, I wasn't sneezing or congested, and my hives seemed to have lessened.  This morning, however, I woke up and the allergies were raging.  Sneezing like crazy and feeling super itchy from the hives on my hands and elbows I was ready to scream.   After my therapy appointment, I went to CVS and got myself some more Aleve Cold and Sinus but that didn't help at all and I spent all day feeling miserable.

Thinking it may have something to do with the mess in the house, Dave kicked me out (I went to work to make some more money because I'm feeling ridiculously poor) and vacuumed the whole place.  While at work, I started to feel better.  There were less sneezes and I only had to blow my nose every ten minutes rather than every three.  Since coming home though, the sneezing has started up again.  My eyes are itchy and I feel like I'm back where I started.  I've decided it's time to line my bedding with the allergy sheets again and I want to throw everything in this apartment away.  Dave is convinced that there is mold in the walls from when there was that leak and that wouldn't help.  I'm just so tired of all this and I don't know what to do.

Normally, I would just go to my doctor.  He'd give me a cortisone shot and put me on a nebulizer for five or ten minutes and that would normally be what I needed.  Now though, I no longer have the same insurance and therefore no longer have an allergy specialist as a doctor.  I've been really hoping that I could get through this summer without having to go to my new doctor and try to convince him of what I need.  He doesn't know and I get that.  I just don't want to deal with it but I'm getting super tired of dealing with this.  I don't understand why the allergy medicine isn't working and I'm just so tired and irritated and now I'm getting another headache.  Great.

My posts are too short for titles

Trying to write early tonight but am already feeling sleepy.  This morning I woke up early with Dave and stayed awake:all day.  How sad is the fact that staying awake from 7:30 to currently 10:30 without taking a nap is an unusual experience for me?  I used to be the girl who could function really well with as little as 2 hours of sleep and now it's like I have to go to bed and sleep for a minimum of 10 or else I feel exhausted. Dave reminds me of the article that speaks of the study where emotional stress and activity is just as draining as physical activity and stress and therefore requires more sleep than normal.  I need to stop being so critical of myself right now regarding this.  My life has never been like this prior to now and it won't continue like this forever.  

Earlier today I went to Rockport, Ma as a day trip.  The weather was gorgeous and I just wanted to go for a walk and do some window shopping.   Oddly enough, I'd be better of going to Newport, RI for window shopping if I'm looking for a seaside shopping day as the stores are far better.  Rockport is more of an artist town which turned out to be just what I needed today.  I thoroughly enjoyed walking from one artist's studio to another and gazing at their work.  There's something inspiring about it.  With my writing daily, I've stopped dabbling in other types of artistic expression.  While I was walking I couldn't help but long for talents of my own.   I hate not having something that I feel talented in or even passionate about.  I've always been average at many things but never great at anything.  I want a niche of my own.  

Nothing

I am super exhausted this evening though I don't have a clue why as I slept most of the day today.  I can't believe today is only Tuesday (well, technically now Wednesday) but I'm glad as I have quite the to do list for this week and have yet to check anything off.  Last night I spent the majority of the evening on Etsy finding independent merchants who make a variety of hairpieces.  It was fun and I found a lot of things that I really like for the wedding and otherwise.   I really don't want to write right now as I'm far too sleepy for this and I have nothing to say.

And just like that it's become one of those posts.  I'm sure I've mentioned this before but two of my friends also have personal blogs and everything they write is always so well written.  Tonight I read one of their posts and it makes me envious that I can't write like them.  I'm so babbling and straight forward and boring in my writing.  My writing lacks poetry.  I get that not all writing should be poetic and beautiful but everything they seem to write is and I want that too.  After reading what they write, I'm always glad for the  few minutes and feel satisfied by their wording.   Sadly, they get stuck wasting a few minutes of their life reading whatever mundane thing I've written about today.  Sorry guys!

My favorite word

Is it time to go to Maui yet?  Right now I'm sitting here on the couch with my legs lying over Dave while he plays Angry Birds on his new iPad and I write.  It's something so simple, so comfortable, so natural.  Honestly, I miss him and I'm super excited to have him all to myself for ten whole days.  Although I love our friends, need our jobs, and have to deal with our other responsibilities they all take time from just us hanging out and doing what we want when we want it.  I know that much of this feeling of lost time has a lot to do with the fact that we don't share nights and weekends anymore.  When I was working days like a normal person, we had that much needed time to allow us to continue to grow in our intimacy.

Intimacy or intimate is a word that I really enjoy.  I like the fact that it has different levels of meaning.  Much like the word love.  Many time people think of "intimate" moments are sexual or erotic in nature and it's not inaccurate.  It is a classy way to talk about sex without using words that some might find lewd, inappropriate, and unnecessary.  However, the word intimate can be used in so many other discussions.  A parent can have an intimate moment with their child and no one considers the word sexual in nature there (at least I hope not, ew).  One might have an intimate and candid conversation with a lover or friend. A concert with many people can still be deeply intimate.  There are times when people don't even realize they are being intimate while in public and you get that warm joy of being intimacy's witness.  Plus I like the way the word sounds.  It just rolls off my tongue.  I've never really had a favorite word before but I think I've found my first one.

Alright, I'll consider this post written for the day.

Stuff

This afternoon Dave and I gathered our plates, bowls, cups, and other kitchenware to give to one of my coworker's family members who lost everything in an apartment fire.  I think that people forget about apartment insurance thinking that because they live in such a big place or get confused thinking that it's the landlord or the apartment complex's responsibility if something happens.  Thinking about it, it obviously seems silly that they'd be responsible for your stuff in an accidental fire but that's the thing few people actually think about it.  Anyway, since Dave and I were planning on donating what we have when the things from our registry come in helping these people replace what they lost seems like the perfect obligation.

Purging our stuff felt good and it's motivating me to attempt to tackle our apartment again.  This place is a complete disgusting pit.  I absolutely hate it.   This evening Dave and I had the battle of the bugs.  I think we won but it's got me feeling super icky and gross.  Something tells me that the fact that our apartment is a mess isn't promoting bugs but still... dirty and bugs go hand in hand with me so I feel like I need to clean like crazy.  There also the inevitable move pending just after the wedding and honeymoon.  We will have approximately two weeks to find a place, pack up our stuff, and move it to the new place.  It's not a lot of time.  How nice would it be for us to not have to worry about it while we are on our honeymoon?  It's hard enough coming back to work and home life without the added stress of moving all our crap.  With everyone looking to rent these days, it seems impossible to find a place with anything available until a month (maybe two) ahead.  I'm hoping to find something by September.

Alright my head is pounding.  The switch in allergy medicines has its side effects.

Six Flags

Six Flags today was an awesome good time had by all.  Actually Jamie and Ian are still here.  Ian is giving Dave guitar lessons, Jamie is observing, and I'm kind of in the background making sure my presence is known with frequent sneezes.  At some point on the ride home my allergies decided to strike with a vengeance.  Seriously, it's a perfect angry WTF moment.  I don't see Jamie and Ian often enough to be dealing with allergic plague.  Plus, it be nice to write a post where I'm not complaining about something or other.  Haa! We just had a sing along as Ian just played the music to Free Falling by Tom Petty.  This post may be a bit disjointed as we are hanging out but oh well.

Though absurdly expensive Six Flags is the theme park to go to in this area.  We have a couple of smaller ones but they are as almost as ridiculously expensive and don't have nearly the attractions and fun stuff of Six Flags.  One must admit though, if you're not a thrill ride kind of person or have small children, Six Flags isn't worth the price at all.  However, as the four of are thrill ride people and do not have any small children, we spent more money than we probably could afford but had great time doing it.  In my personal opinion aside from the roller coasters the best part is the adjoining water park.  It really is a full on water park complete with a wave pool, a lazy river, and water slides a plenty.  

As it was freaking hot out when we got there, we decided to hit up the water park first.  It felt good to go swimming for the first time this summer.  Yes, that's very sad, I know.  We also managed to get ourselves a good bit tipsy from drinking Mike's Hard Lemonades with no food really to speak of in our tummies.  Slightly inebriated, we thought it best to wait in a line for a water ride and I can safely say that by the time that was over, we had sobered up a good deal.  Due to a line for the lazy river, we only went around once but it was still a good time.  By the time we had our fill of the water park, it was already almost 6.  A basic nightmare had we not spent a small fortune on whatever they call their "Fast Passes" (I will forever be a Disney girl).

To wait in line on this gorgeous Saturday evening for all the rides we wanted to go on would have taken forever.  However, with our passes we were able to get every ride without waiting in a single line.  We would finish one ride and be ready for another, bypass that line, and enjoy that ride.  Like I said, it was pricey... too pricey for most people but we only go to Six Flags once a year and I want to do everything while I'm there so it's all good.  I would write more now but I'm officially done.  I haven't stopped sneezing since the car ride home and I've had it.  I'm going to attempt to sleep and I'm changing medications first thing tomorrow as clearly what I'm taking now is no doing nothing to fend off the plethora of dust everywhere that I'm reacting to.

Self Conscious

Tonight I'm feeling bummed, self-conscious, and anxious.  Tomorrow Dave and I are going with Jamie and Ian to Six Flags.  That should have me excited and enthusiastic but before any kind of summer activity for me there is the inevitable "grr. argh" moment.  Today I sort of had a double whammy because I went to the bridal shop with my mother and tried on the sample of my dress again (I'd explain that more but it's not what I'm in the mood to talk about right now).

Everyone has their physical insecurities, I get that no matter what I'd be insecure about something.  Still, this is something I've been dealing with for my entire life.  I can't even begin to conceptualize how much money has been spent trying to lessen this particular flaw.  No, it's not weight or anything weight related.  Truth of the matter is I'm a hairy beast.  I have lots of body hair; in fact I've never met another female who has even come close to the amount of hair that I have.  It's long, thick, black, and everywhere: my face, my arms, my back, my stomach, my legs, my feet, and even my fingers and toes.

In elementary school, kids would howl at me as I walked by imitating a werewolf which was their insult of choice.  Though by the time fourth grade came, I had grown a thick enough skin to not let the taunts and jokes to affect me outwardly but it's always been something that lies within.  Normally it doesn't surface until I'm forced to face it.  For example, at Six Flags there's a water park which mean a bathing suit.  Anytime a bathing suit is involve there a minimum of forty-five minutes to an hour needs to spent preparing to wear it.  What I would give to be able to jump at the opportunity whenever Dave (or anyone for that matter) says, "hey this is a great beach day... let's go.  Or hey, what to take a dip in the pool?"  For me, the first question that I always ask myself at that proposition is "when did I last shave?"

Most of the time, because continuous shaving is irritating to my skin causes all sorts of red itchy bumps and splotches I tend to avoid shaving unless I have to.  Many summer days, you'll see me in jeans.  I've grown into wearing t-shirts (for a long time I would wear long sleeves in the summer just to cover my arms).  I hate having to be like, "oh some other time..." whenever someone asks but I'm not about to just strip down with hair all over the place.  I'm sure most people would be grossed out the way they tend to be if they see a woman with any armpit hair.  I get it and I agree: it's totally disgusting.  I just can't help but wish it wasn't sometimes.

Looking in the mirror today while wearing the dress all I could see were the long black hairs on my arms.  My mother asked if I wanted to wax them a few months ago and at first I was reluctant.  I've never waxed my arms as I've always been too afraid of what they would look like as it was going back in.  Initially, I was just going to bleach it like I used to do in school.  Sure it caused a lot of questions regarding why the hair on my arms was blond and my hair black but the majority of the attention got diverted a bit.  However, looking at it today I began to reconsider.  Maybe I'll schedule an appointment to get my arms waxed and see how it turns out.

Anyone want to give me a couple thousand dollars for more laser surgery.  I've already had a gazillion treatments along with electrolysis and I need all the help I can get.

Paranoia

I had an absurdly hard time waking up this morning.  For a while there I thought I was doing so much better as I was waking up a reasonable hours but it was like I slipped back into my issues.  Whatever.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it as it's not like I can go back in time and wake up properly.  Tomorrow I'll just have to try again.  As of right now, I'm propped up on pillows in my bedroom.  I mentioned that I needed the tv yesterday but tonight I just had zero desire to be on my couch mindlessly gazing at whatever mindless nonsense was playing in front of me.

I'm debating whether or not I should go into the real reasons why I'm not sitting in front of my television right now.  It relates to an "experiment" my therapist has asked me to attempt for this week.  So far, I've been very good about it but tonight I really wanted to slip back into it.  At my last session, I brought up to her my recently new found interest in "crime" shows.  Initially when I started having my freak outs about nothing I couldn't watch shows like Criminal Minds and whatnot; it was too much for me.  However, within the last year I guess, that's what's captivated my interest.  Recently, my repertoire consists of shows like Criminal Minds, Law and Order: SVU and Criminal Intent, Dexter, "Who the Bleep did I Marry?", Snapped, I Survived...., and the most recent series Escaped.

Something about it all this week made me try and figure out where this new found curiosity originated.  It was the series "Escaped" though that totally did me in.  The entire show focuses on one person who was held captive for a period of time and how they eventually managed to escape.  Watching this show, I felt myself totally engaged.  When I brought it up, it came under the "they all had it far worse than me" guise which does make me feel better.  After watching what these other people go through, what happened in my past seems like a minor paper cut.  I figured that would be where our conversation would end but of course she said something that made far more sense to me.

She brought up how I feel constantly on guard.  Today, just my phone ringing while I was hanging out with Katie caused me to jump.  Every time I'm out in public I constantly sizing up the situation.  I know where I am and where anyone who might be a threat is.  During the day, when there are construction workers outside, I'll avoid going in via my side entrance to the apartment and instead walk all the way around to the front of the building so they won't see that they can access my apartment from that entrance.  You know, in case one happens to be a serial killer or something.  Every night I find myself double and triple checking the locks.  If something unexpected happens I react like it's an actual threat possibly even screaming in fear.  It's not natural.  Normal people don't do that.

She of course knew this from past sessions and brought it back up saying that because I was once "victimized" that I am looking for it just about anywhere.  I keep expecting it to happen again.  My watching crime shows is my way of trying to anticipate what might happen the next time as if it's preparing me for it.  If I know what's happen to others I'll have a better idea of what to expect when it happens to me.  At that this point, it feels like it's not an "if it happens," but more of a "when it happens."  She over simplified it with an analogy: when you buy a Ford Focus, you suddenly recognize all Ford Focuses that pass by when you wouldn't before.  At this thought, it was like something clicked.  That's totally why I watch those shows.  I want to know what else is out there.

Of course she brought up that though it may seem like it's making me feel safer that it could actually be perpetuating much of the jumpiness and paranoia.  At the end of the show, I feel better but it's the long term effects of it that could be hindering my healing.  As an experiment she's mentioned me eliminating the watching of these kinds of show for a certain amount of time and seeing how it affects me.  Like every request, she doesn't actually expect me to be doing that this week but I felt like taking it on. What she said made a lot of sense to me so I'm trying to see it's affect.  Right now though, it just feels like there's absolutely nothing else on television.  I still jumped at my phone so I can't say the effect is immediate at calming my general nervousness but... maybe it will get better.

I am excited to bring it up to her the next time I see her.  I want to recover as quickly as possible.  It's not fun living like this.  Even now, as I write this I'm thinking, "oh my god.  What if some crazy person on the internets reads this and decides to make some of the things I fear a reality?"  I am actually questioning whether or not I should post this because of that thought.  Seriously, I've got such issues.  Luckily I can at least say that I am getting help.

Meh

Tonight my allergies are acting up again which is irritating.  Both Dave and I think that our apartment might have some mold as a result of the leaks of earlier this summer.  Of course, this makes my desire to write about a large as a pencil eraser.  A much larger part of me would prefer to lay down and read and fall asleep.  Instead I sit here watching Nat Geo's programs on Crocodiles and try to formulate sentences to create paragraphs that will satisfy a day's worth of writing.  I watch too much television but I don't particularly care about that right now.  To me, I have a hard time just playing on the computer.  I like having something going on in the background and music just doesn't cut it for me most times.  There's something about the mini story lines within an episode of television that make the background noise a bit more to me.  Not to mention that it provides an alternate series of images to look at when I want to look elsewhere.

Yeah okay, I'm really at a loss as to what else to write about.  My appointments today went well and I'm looking forward to hanging out with Katie tomorrow.  I'm also vaguely aware of everything that needs to get done but am not interested in thinking about it all right now.  It's more the immediate tasks like dishes and laundry that I'm avoiding more at the moment and than any actual wedding plans.  Though, my thinking is that after chilling with Katie tomorrow, I'll leave feeling far more motivated than I am now.  Her thoughts and plans always get me re-interested in my own wedding again.  Hopefully tomorrow will yield better writings.

Schedules

To say that Dave and I had a difficult day would be an understatement.  I can't really get into it now out of respect for him and what's going on.  Again, I'm reminded why a lock feature is a good feature to have because sometimes you do just need to write to yourself.  Before you get concerned, Dave and I are totally fine.  We are healthy and we are in love and we are happy.  What made today difficult actually had nothing to do with our relationship.  We didn't get into a fight or anything like that.   It was more related to something personal for him and although I don't mind blabbering on about all my issues and problems and stresses, it's not my place to discuss his.  In the end, the day just wasn't one of the better ones but we can take solace in the fact that today is now just about over and tomorrow will be a new one.

I had plans to hang out with Katie tomorrow but we had to reschedule until Thursday because I'm a moron and forgot about the appointments I scheduled months ago.  This calendar tool will really is a necessity.  I think I used to avoid it because I hate the idea of "scheduling" time with my friends.  I'm always reminded of that, "oh let me pencil you in" saying because clearly my life is just so busy that I don't have really have time for you.  That's how I've perceived this for a really long time.   That's why I haven't kept a calendar.   It's time to get over that now.  I mean, had I not received the reminder calls I would have missed these appointments and been charged penalties for doing so.  For someone who is so into finances, that's the easiest way to throw money down the drain.  Not to mention the simple fact that at the beginning of the week, Katie was totally cool with either Wednesday or Thursday. If I had the appointments written down in a place I could easily reference them, then I could have just as easily said Thursday and not had to reschedule.

Plus, as much as I hate the idea that I'm "scheduling" time with my friends, I feel that it's an inevitable side effect of getting older.  There's also that whole idea that if I make time for my friends after my job (sorry guys I need to money to live and eat and stuff) then I would actually be scheduling all my other crap around them.  Errands and appointments are necessities unfortunately and we are no longer the relatively carefree college students living with or next door to each other anymore.  We've moved on from that.  They have jobs and lives; so do I.  And that's right now; once you have kids it becomes even more difficult.  Then you find that you literally have to "schedule" time to just be with your husband nevermind anyone else. Schedules aren't bad things, in fact most of us feel better when we have them.  Already, I've benefited from the schedule I made with my mom.  I've kept up my appointments and I've checked off the things I've needed to do and I feel good about it.  When I know what's happening and when, life suddenly becomes a whole lot easier. Who knew?

too tired for a title

Quick post tonight as it is super late because Dave and I have spent the last few hours talking.  I wish I could say it was about wedding stuff but in reality our upcoming wedding is only a small piece of our connection.  Planning the wedding is something that we have to do; it's become a series of small tasks to check off on our to do list.  Decisions must be made when this sort of planning occurs.  Some legitimate action needs to take place and let's be honest both of us would prefer to have a long deep conversation about general things.  These general discussion where no planning or action needs to take place allows us to continue to get to know each other and our individual perspectives on what's surrounding us.  Though I love the feelings of accomplishment after completing a task, it's not the same as what I feel after a long, thoughtful, and insightful conversation with a lover or friend.  Doing things and making decisions gives us a sense of camaraderie and connection but discussing things that mean something deep to you gives us a sense of intimacy.  Both are valuable but... I don't know, I'll assume that you know what I mean without my having to complete that thought.

With all of that said, I did get some things done today.  We paid some bills which is always a good thing and we scheduled a meeting with our officiant.  I tried to call about my dress but the store wasn't open today so I'll try again tomorrow.  Also, I had another therapy appointment which gave me some more things to contemplate and further insights.  Maybe I'll get into that in another post as I've thought about it far too much today.  Finally, I'm most proud of finally going to the local library and getting myself a library card.  I've been meaning to do this for months and I finally just went and did it.  I'm hoping it will help curb my whole book buying issue; even spending $2 on a book that I could otherwise borrow isn't money well spent. While at the library I checked out a few books on planning a wedding ceremony along with others that were an anthology of potential readings.  It wasn't much but it was a little bit.  Creating the calendar with my mother was hugely helpful in keeping me focused and on task.  It makes things manageable and we're getting a little more done with each day.

Work and stuff

I took a nap today and dreamed about my job.  Dave was playing a computer game with friends and he was talking into the microphone and that somehow got converted in my sleep to an irritated cardholder asking me why his card was declining.  When he came in to wake me up, I asked him to come back but in my head I put him on hold so I could research his what was going on with his card.  Then I seriously continued to dream about going into Falcon (our fraud monitoring system) and finding nothing tried researching the AOV and COV tables as I rapidly tried to determine what I was going to tell this guy.  I know that what I just said means nothing to any of you but when I woke up I realized that somewhere along the way, I totally committed to this job. 

Before I would listen to the cardholders and most of it I would brush aside as complete absurdity.  I used to keep a little notebook and right down the stupid things that many of them used to say to either myself or one of my coworkers.  Like today, my coworker got a call and the guy told her that he used to be on the board at the bank and he couldn't believe how downhill they've gone since.  He then continued saying that he hopes that she gets a better job because she was totally going to lose this one.  It's people like that who you really want to give a snotty retort back like, "Obviously they eliminated you from the "board" because you clearly don't have a clue buddy."  Of course, you always just end up smiling and telling them to have a nice day.

Again, I used to be able to laugh at these people and let it go but recently I've found that these same people I'd prefer to punch than laugh at.  I'm also easily irritated by some of the procedures we have in place.  Today we got a call from one our huge clients and his card was declining.  We tried everything we knew but it wouldn't work and we called our manager who gave us the go ahead to escalate it above so we called, left a bunch of messages for people who didn't call us back.  Meanwhile, the client is justifiably upset because he's trying to run a business and can use his card and there's nothing we can say or do except tell him that we're working on it.  Finally, it turns out that it might be an issue with MasterCard only allowing $100,000 or $200,000 to be charged in one day.  Okay, it might not be us but is there a reason why this is something that no one knows.  How are we expected to service large clients when we don't have a clue about certain things that are pretty important? 

Waking up this afternoon I realized that care way too much all of a sudden.  This is the second Sunday in a row that I've come home feeling exasperated, irritated, and frustrated.  When did this happen?  I had to call in sick a few times this year and all of sudden I'm concerned their going to give me a hard time about taking the time off for the wedding and honeymoon.  Before I used to just think, "well I'll be married so it won't be as necessary..." but now I'm freaking out because I don't want to lose my job.   Really Denise?  You're terrified you might lose a job that you dislike anyway?  On the other hand, it's not the worst job in the world and it pays kind of awesome for a part time job so I don't want to lose it.  However, I won't make it if I continue to care this much.  Before I left today, I looked at the calendar and counted down the days of work left before I get married.  I have 46 more days of work left before the wedding.  Yes, I actually did that.  

I'm going to talk to them about taking the time tomorrow but... sigh.  Once I'm married, I can really throw myself into something new.  I hope.  I hope I haven't gotten myself trapped in a dead end career already.

It's the end of the world as we know it... and I feel fine

Why are people so fascinated by Apocalyptic stories?  There are so many people who think that the Book of Revelations is actually in the process.  I don't know how I feel about it actually being the in the process as of now.  It's just so crazy that there are so many television shows that discuss it so frequently.  There's also that weird contradiction of these shows being aired on the History channel.  I get that much of the things that could destroy us have come from the past.

Though we don't know for sure but the overwhelming evidence points regarding the destruction of the dinosaurs came from a giant asteroid.  We do know that there are thousands of unaccounted meteors and asteroids that could hit earth and have a similar effect.  The scariest for me is the threat of plague.  I don't know what scares me more; the idea that I feel like it is far more likely than an asteroid or the fact that it could be created by the very people it would kill.  You'll never see me regretting our scientific advantages and discoveries.  I'm totally for the continuous study to understand ourselves and the world (universe, multi-verse) around us. However there is the unfortunate side effect that many of these same discoveries have enabled us to not only kill each other but actually have the capacity to destroy us as a species.

Even as I write, "why do we watch these things" I sit here watching "Seven Signs of the Apocalypse."  I try not to be too hard on myself as I know I can't be alone in being curious about what may eventually destroy us.  We are all fascinated by what we may eventually die from; it's the strange desire to seek out media regarding it.  When I was thirteen part of what initiated my religious fervor was the Left Behind series written about the Apocalypse.  Sorry I know this is going to sound disjointed but sometimes I wonder why it is so necessary to state the obvious so repetitively: "If a person is bleeding out and they can't get to a hospital, they will die.  Even the modern buildings designed to withstand earthquakes aren't fool proof..."  Really, there a resounding "duh" happening in my head right now.

Humans are fascinated by what we most fear.  What most of us fear is our own mortality not just as individuals but the mortality of our species, our planet.  The idea that even our sun will eventually die is terrifying and intriguing in almost equal measure.  We despise admitting our own vulnerability.  I know that first hand and my life was never at stake.  The truth of the matter is that we are a very vulnerable species and in the end there are thousands of things that can destroy us permanently.  It's good for us to contemplate these different possibilities because in the end we want to feel alive.  I've heard it said that people tend to desire sex after going to a funeral.  Confronting our own mortality causes us to do the very thing that makes us feel most alive in addition to it being the very thing that also produces life.

Contemplation of our destruction captivates our interests only slightly more than the contemplation of my purchasing that cell phone.  We may die sometime soon but we should most definitely die in style playing angry cats on our smart phones.

It's all about timing

Had another productive day today and was able to check off a couple of things off my list.   Tomorrow I'm hoping to get a bit more accomplished so that's good news.  Something about being busy though makes me unwilling to write.  I think part of it is because when I'm busy I become so focus on what I'm doing that I don't spend as much time thinking about the other random things that I end up writing about at some point.  Now that I think about it really does make sense that all the crap that has come up over the past year happened.  Sometimes I wondered why it had to come up at all but honestly I have the time to process it right now and did.

When I was in college constantly trying to get this or that done in between trying to hang out and have a normal social life and work at part time jobs, it would've been impossible.  I never would've had the time to let any of it arise.  After I saw that theater group that came in and they had the therapists waiting in the back of the room in case we found it too much and needed to talk, I felt something then.  That was a huge wake up call to me actually.  It was too much and I sobbed like a crazy person the entire way through it.  Anyone who looked at me must have known that I had been through something.  It was intense but I wasn't ready to talk about it.  Instead I went back to the dorms and to my ex but he was never someone I could really talk to about anything more serious than what I did that day.

He wasn't a bad guy quite the opposite actually.  As a boyfriend, he gave a girl a lot that she could want but he just wasn't the right match for me.  I wasn't the right match for him either... possible even less of a match for him. I have always been a thinker; questioning and analyzing just about everything.  He wasn't that way at all.  Every time I tried to go beyond the surface or the face value of something, he always said, "You think too much."  Sometimes I hate to admit that he wasn't entirely wrong, I do think too much but that's who I am.  If I had wanted to discuss the play and my feelings and maybe think about my past, I didn't feel comfortable enough with him or think that he'd really understand.  Between my being so busy and a boyfriend who was hard to communicate with, I couldn't deal with these things.

It wasn't until Dave and now.  Dave never shied away from deep conversation and he loved the fact that I thought so much about things.  I was never shy about admitting the abuse and the other crap but when it did come up it didn't scare Dave.  He allowed me to think about in small pieces at first.  Then once I went from full time to part time I suddenly had all this time on my hands.  That and a pipe dream that I thought I wanted to pursue but really didn't.  All of them just sort of came together and though it's been really tough I'm so glad it did.  I'm not through it yet, hardly but I'm getting there.

Wedding plans with mom

This evening mom and I met to discuss wedding planning and it was good to sit down and lay everything out in front of me.  I'm not as bad off as I thought I was when it comes to getting things done.  We went through my list and wrote down appointments for me to get things down.  In addition, I also made some needed appointments.  Unfortunately we didn't hear back from our officiant yet but hopefully tomorrow.  I'm also going to send an e-mail to my venue to ask some questions such as when should we be scheduling our time to come in and talk through the day off, when should we decide on the menu, do you know the price of your "in season" items yet, and do you provide regular white linens and chair covers or do we need to rent them?  You know, things of that nature.

At the moment the most complicated has been hair and makeup; actually more just hair.  Overall Sunday is a far cheaper day of the week to marry than Saturday with the exception of hair.  Unfortunately most salons are not open on Sundays and therefore it is far more expensive to have one's hair done by a trained stylist.  I've talked with two salons and both of them are looking at approximately $75 for my bridesmaids to have their hair done and honestly that's absurd.  There is no question that I will be getting my hair done and my sister said that she was willing to do hers but our hair isn't the easiest to style on our own.  I will not be forcing my bridesmaids to get their hair styled because they are all capable of making their hair pretty without having paying $75.00.  That said, if any of them don't mind the cost and want it then I won't stop them but it will not be a requirement.  I will discuss it with each of them at a later date but at this point I think I've ruled it out.

As of right now, Dave and I are still planning on getting two hotel rooms. One for the guys and one for the girls.  Because I will be getting my hair done, the girls and I will probably end up staying in Haverhill and then driving to Bedford to get dressed.  Right now, what I'm figuring is that I will wake up for a 7am hair appointment and my sister will have hers done after me.  My hair will probably take a solid hour or so and while my sister is getting hers styled, I can go back to the hotel room and help everyone else with their hair and purchase some bagels and  coffee(?) for the hotel room. If they decide to have their hair done professionally, that will be alright too as we can just add another hair stylist and bring the bagels, coffee, and donuts to the hair salon.

Luckily the majority of my friends are used to waking up early.   A 1pm wedding pushes everything ahead and I think we decided that we wanted do some pictures before the ceremony so we won't be too long after the ceremony during the cocktail hour.  One of our large investments was in a photographer so I think we really want to make sure we get lots of photos.  The downside is that it just means everything needs to be done so much earlier which I'm sure will be much harder for me than anyone else as I'm the one who can never wake up in the morning.

All and all, it was a good, productive night.  I'm satisfied.

Update to last night

Thank you to everyone who wrote to me after my post last night.  Tomorrow I have plans to go and meet with my mom to go over everything, make a list, and create a plan.  Katie and Jamie both sent me fantastic e-mails listing some of the things Dave and I need to focus on.  Last night I did follow through on creating a honeymoon registry and this morning Dave posted it to our registry page.   I don't really know what I was so worried about when it came to creating it.  It was super easy to create and I really feel like it covered everything I needed.  So with that said, that's one more thing to check off the list.

I meant for today to be super productive but it wasn't as I allowed stupid things to distract me.  Actually once Dave came home, I allowed him to distract me.  He was more for doing things tonight but all I wanted to do was talk with him and cuddle and pretend like we were already married.  Is that weird?   We had a really interesting conversation (well, to me at least) and I dislike the fact that I feel like all of the time we spent connecting was a "waste" because it didn't involve us doing more for this wedding.   We did send an e-mail to our officiant to schedule a time to meet him.  I figure that will give us a deadline for us to flush out the ceremony.

Today is just more difficult for me... even this post can't hold my interest.  I can check two more things off my list and I hope to go over a lot more with my mother and those of you involve in the wedding will hopefully hear me from me really soon.  Love you guys so much and thank you again for your support.

Foreboding dreams

For the past few weeks I've been having these dreams where I am back in school.  They are really strange because I've been out of school for so long and I was really beginning to wonder where they were coming from. At first I thought they were under the "career" dreams that I've been having like the ones when I'm the teacher or the substitute teacher and things go awry.  Now though, I'm not so sure.  In these dreams I'm not the teacher but the student and they seem to be focused on the worst part of all my experiences as a student.  In each of the dreams I'm super stressed out about getting a good grade.  During some of the dreams I might be taking a test or trying to complete a project.

The ones that really freak me out though are the ones when I'm walking around completely and utterly confused. For example, sometimes I'm wandering through the halls knowing I'm supposed to be going to a class but I have absolutely no idea what classes I'm supposed to be taking.  In all the dreams, it's the middle of the semester and I feel like I should know where I am going but I don't have a clue.  There are similar dreams where I am on the way to a particular class but am too afraid to go in because I've skipped too many classes and I have absolutely no idea what I've missed or what is due.  I'm afraid that when I go in the teacher is going to say that I've missed too much and have failed the class.  Finally I have the dream where I'm packing up to go home from school and I'm at my locker trying to determine what I need for homework but again I forget what classes I'm taking or what's due for them.

The overwhelming feeling in all of them is this deep sense of foreboding.  There's that anxious feeling that I used to get when I knew I was behind in my classes and how would I explain it to my parents when I got the D or F in my classes especially when I had nothing else was going on in my life.  In these dreams, I don't have a job and the only thing that I have to focus on are my classes and yet I was going to fail them.  How would I explain to others that I woke up one day in the middle of the semester and had no idea what was going on and was completely lost and confused?   I signed up for these and I've been going to them for weeks and now I don't know which classes I'm taking of what I have to do for them, how is that possible?  Luckily it is just a dream.

When I wake up in the morning I feel very disturbed by the details of the dream and despite the frequent reminders that I am no longer in school or that I'm not enrolled in a single class I can't shake the feeling of anxiety that dreams produce.  Like I said before I've been trying to figure out the meaning of these dreams and how they relate to my waking life.  I am a believer that when I have recurring dreams like these I'm trying to tell myself something.  I feel like the repetition of such dreams is a way of saying, "Hey, something is totally bugging you that you're not paying attention to so how 'bout you figure out what it is and deal with it already?"  While I was at work today, I had a few moments to think about it when it finally came to me.  These dreams represent my feelings regarding planning my wedding.  I bet a few of my friends are thinking to themselves, "I could have told you that, Denise" but sometimes these kinds of things take longer when it's your own issues.

The honest truth is that I do feel overwhelmed, behind, and somewhat lost when it comes to my wedding plans at the moment.  I feel like there is so much to do and I'm afraid I;m not thinking of something.  I know I'm behind but I'm unsure how to catch up or where to begin.  Like the "how am I going to explain the D" anxiety I'm anxious that I'm not thinking about something critical and when the day arrives everyone is going to be like, "oh, how did you not know to do that?"  On the surface I feel calm about it but deep down I know I'm totally stressed out and avoiding it the way I would when I had a major paper or test coming up.  However, wedding planning is nothing like writing a paper. For one, I've written a gazillion papers and taken so many tests but I've never planned a wedding before.  In fact, I've never really planned any kind of party before.  This is totally new territory for me.  With a paper, I also know that I will eventually I will sit down, put my nose to the grindstone, and bust it out.  My wedding is not something that I am doing all by myself; there are multiple moving parts.  There are many people involved in a wedding who aren't just going to jump when my eventual freak out is bound to happen.

I need to get on board this train now and start making things happen but again where do I begin?  I promised myself on this blog that I would get the honeymoon registry up tonight so that's probably a good start but then what? I need to schedule a fitting appointment for my bridesmaids, I need to purchase linens for the tables, I need to contact our officiant, I need to plan our ceremony, choose the readings, contact our venue, decide on flowers, figure out hair/makeup, the list goes on and on and I don't have that much time.  Add to all this and I'm worried I'm not going to have enough money at the end of all this.  Clearly, I can see how every aspect of those dreams apply now.

If any of you have any words of assurance or ideas on what to tackle first, please e-mail me.  I'd say call but this would be one of those things that I want to really remember and by the time I get off the phone I've forgotten too much of what was said and I don't want to waste your time.

Happy 4th of July!

I truly hope that everyone's 4th of July holiday was just as wonderful as mine turned out to be.  The combination of exhaustion, disappointment, and a general sickly feeling (stupid allergies) led me to feel super emotional last night.  I wrote the post in the car on the ride home from my parents and by the time I finished it I was so upset that Dave actually had to be the one to post it.  After spending more than a few moments iin tears, I tried to fall asleep.  Unfortunately my allergies were in rare form, though I'm sure my crying didn't help matters, and I spent the entire night awake, shifting positions, and constantly wiping my nose as it running like left-on water faucet.  Finally, I had enough.  By seven in the morning, it had been more than 24 hours since I last slept and in half frustration, half exhaustion I stuffed my nostrils with tissues and settled on the fact that I would have to breathe through my mouth.

As Dave woke up, I finally fell asleep (tissues in my nose and all) but found that I was unable to wake until close to 2:30.  Normally, on the fourth I like to get into Cambridge by 2:30 or 3:00 so we were already late.  Like most mornings after a day/night of being over-emotional I determined that it was better to not care too much this year.  I resigned myself to getting less than prime seating and felt determined to have a good day anyway.  To be honest, it was pretty easy was Jamie and Ian arrived and we found a somewhat decent spot.  It was ridiculously hot and that did take up a lot of our conversation until we were approached by both the Globe and the Herald to take pictures of us and our pinwheely headbands.  Lauren also was able to stop by and say hi and it was super great to see her since I've only seen her once or twice since Paris.

Really the best part of the day was when we found my sister's good friend Andy.  Like me, he was super shocked that both my sister and my parents decided not to go but wanted to go himself.  He had brought his group there and had found an ideal spot by forcing them to arrive by 2:30.  Listening to him talk, I felt like I had found someone who cared as much as myself.  At some point, we determined that there was room for us to join them and in the end, we did get to enjoy prime seating location.  As an added perk, my parents did come and it felt like old times.  As always the fireworks were incredible.  Normally, I'm not a fan of the song selection but the choices for this year and the synchronicity of the fireworks were perfect.   The threat of bad weather amounted to nothing and no acts of terrorism to be had (I hate to admit it, but just before the fireworks begin I always think about it and this year more so now that I'm a crazy person with my anxiety and  the fact that it would be the perfect opportunity for revenge of our killing of Osama Bin Laden).

I was so truly grateful to Andy today.  In a way, it sort of rekindled my passion.  I thanked him immensely for finding such great seats and allowing us to join him and could only say that it was the least he could do after all my years of treating him to such great spots.  I told him I'd owe him for next year.  Overall, I am truly, truly happy about how it all went.  I'm so glad that Jamie's spirit was there to help me feel that the tradition was still alive as she has come with me for close to ten years now.  Her being there lifted my spirits and my parent's arrival made it all the better.  I feel like I've learned a lot in the past twenty-four hours about myself and those I care about. It's days like these that really help one grow as a person.

The End of A July 4th Tradition

As everyone knows tomorrow is the 4th of July.  Every year with the exception of when I was nine years old my family has always gone into Boston to celebrate.  Now, I'm not what you would call the most patriotic of citizens but over the years the tradition grew to mean as much to me as Christmas means for others.  It wasn't just my family but we would recruit friends and neighbors and it was like having a giant lawn party only our backyard was the Cambridge side of the Charles and our music, the Boston Pop's Orchestra.  It's funny, I can organize my memories around the fireworks saying things like, “oh that was the year the Irish people came and there was a monsoon” or “that was the year we brought the caravan of 30 people and there was no wind so we watched a giant cloud of smoke change colors.”

Somewhere along the way, it seems that those who said that they would always go have decided against it.  It's not all that surprising.  It's a long day to sit out in the blazing sun or the pouring rain just to watch a half hour of explosives illuminate the night in celebration our nation's sovereignty.  People's lives change.  Babies are born, people become ill, and sitting with thousands of others in the city becomes far, far less alluring to even those who always swore they would never miss it.  However, I must say that this particular year seems more disappointing than most as even my parents are not sure they are going to actually make it.  My sister and Ben decided against it which was initially shocking as the only year my sister hasn't joined us was in 2002 after September 11th.

My parents though; my dad possibly not going is the most shocking of all.  I've never been to a fourth of July celebration without my father.  There have been one or two years that my mother was unable to go but my dad was always there.  Of course, I can't fault them.  The weather this year is supposed to be miserable and it's on a Monday night with work the next morning.  Honestly, bringing it to national television was the worst thing that ever happened to it.  I'm not one to ever claim that anything was better before it became huge but I can't deny that our tradition was far more convenient before everyone in the nation needed to see it.  As a result of the nationwide broadcast, the fireworks that used to go off at 9:30 now don't go off until 10:30.  Not a big deal if it didn't take over an hour to get out of Boston and get home.

We've been lucky the past couple of years as it occurred on the weekend.  Even last year when it was on a Sunday, most companies put the holiday on Monday.  This year though, getting home after midnight is just too difficult for those who are unable to take the Tuesday off work.  With my father working at a temp job now, he can't take any days off anymore.  I don't blame him for not wanting to sit in gross weather until 10:30, get home after midnight, and be up to work the next day; especially when our family friends or my sister aren't going to be there.

So needless to say, I can't help but be disappointed.  Every year since I was in high school I've made a big deal about not working on the fourth of July because it was a big holiday for my family.  Huh, after writing that sentence I realize just how little I've budged with a career but that's a different whine for a different day.  But yes, every year I've made it a big deal; even worked Christmas last year and Thanksgiving this year so I wouldn't have to work it.   Deep down I always knew it meant far more to me than it ever did to anyone else, but I guess I never realized just how much more.  Thankfully, my best friend who has gone since sophomore year of high school with me (except for that year she was in Hawaii) and Dave will be there.   If there is a terrorist attack, at least it will be just us.

Summer Lovin'

What is it about Saturdays that make me exhausted by 10:30 at night?  Is it really just the simple fact that I have to work so early in the morning on Sunday?  Seriously, I feel utterly exhausted.  I'm never this tired at this time except on Saturdays and maybe on Sundays if I end up not taking a nap during the afternoon.  Eh, that's was terribly worded sentence.  What's crazy is that my mood is totally dependent on how sleepy I am.  Perhaps I did get grumpy and irritable when I was tired during college and I just never realized it.  That's not to say I never got grumpy at that time; I was just as much of a moody pain in the ass as anyone but I don't think it was related to how tired I was at any given moment.

If I put my current moodiness aside for the moment and actually reflect on my day, I can safely say that Dave and I had a really great day.   Our conflicting work schedules and Dave's particularly constant schedule haven't given us the amount of time together when one of us isn't falling asleep that we would like.  Again, another terrible sentence.  Ah well.  Recently Dave's been feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by the  plethora of "things to do" at the moment with work, the wedding, and knowledge of the upcoming move that is on the back of our minds.  The other day he came up to me upset and down because he felt that we were missing out on summer and because we have so much left to do, we'd never be able to enjoy it fully.

However, today it felt like the old days when we used to something special regularly.  The two of us haven't really sat down and looked at our honeymoon options since we initially purchased our tickets back in March.   So the two of us took the guidebooks we purchased months ago, drove to Gloucester, and sat on the grass by the ocean writing down activities that we may be able to ask friends and family to help us participate in with a honeymoon registry.  Everyone seems to be asking me about the registries recently so it's become my priority number one.  I want to get that done once and for all and stop thinking about it.

After spending a couple of hours by the water and under the sun, we had a solid list going and we were even more excited about Hawaii than we were originally.  Of course, there are a couple of activities that will require reservations in advance so we may have to purchase a couple that we definitely want regardless of whether or not friends and family choose to pitch in.   I have a bit more to research because I want to make sure that what we ask for is what we really want to do but I've made a commitment to get it up by Tuesday.  Dave doesn't know that yet but that gives us tomorrow afternoon and Monday where we will be seeing Jamie and her mom, both of whom have been to and loved Hawaii.   For sure, our honeymoon will be a topic of conversation this 4th of July (if Jamie and her mom are willing).  Then it's just a matter of posting it to our website.

So that's that.  I had more to say but I have written enough for tonight.

Secret Fantasies

The world in my head is sometimes so much better than reality.  Sometimes I am surprised by my own age because I have the imagination and the fantasy world of a twelve year old.   There are no limits in the world of fantasy.  I can be anything I dream of, even have supernatural powers if I chose.  It's too bad I can live in that world.   There are times though that I wonder if I could actually be capable of the things I imagine (the more realistic ideals).  They aren't all that far-fetched but they seem that way sometimes.

Dave and I were discussing a couple of them and he asked a valid question. "Do you think these fantasies and dreams hold you back?"  At the time I said I didn't think so but I'm honestly not so sure.  There is the chance that I could be living too much in my head and that it's preventing me from actually going after what I wanted in reality.   He asked if I thought I should bring this up to my therapist and get her thoughts.  At the time I was reluctant but now, I'm not so sure.  She did help me figure out my "superhero" fantasies.  It also can't be denied that much of what I'm dreaming about is career related and I am currently dealing with some of what's holding me back there.  Maybe there's some significance.

I don't know.  I'd go into more detail to explain myself better but I'm not quite ready to reveal these thoughts.  They are too personal, too ambitious, and too impractical.  Everyone has certain pieces of themselves that they aren't willing to share with others.  Normally, I've prided myself on being an open book.  I didn't have secrets and I wasn't afraid to talk about anything.  Truth of the matter is, everyone has at least one or two things they wish to remain secret: dreams, pieces of their pasts, etc.  It's not about people trying to hide their true selves like I used to think.  It's so much more than that and it's something I think I finally understand.