Very very short

Work went quickly tonight which was awesome!  It's nice to know that not everyday is going to be spent counting the minutes.   I meant to wake up early and go for a walk but I didn't.   I need to do better about that.  For the month of September I want to try and take a walk on a daily basis.  I know it seems overambitious but it's just walking.   We're going to the beach tomorrow so we'll get to walk along the beach so that's not a bad start.   Okay, right now I really just want lay next to Dave and snuggle so this is a short one.  Good night!

Not enough

I really do believe that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  At least I feel like if I end up in hell that will be why.  It doesn't matter what you want or intend to do.  It's your actions, the things you actually accomplish and do that matter.  This evening Dave and I had the opportunity to really help someone but we did nothing.  It's so important to me to help those in need and yet when it comes time I don't do anything.

We decided to go into Boston for the evening.  Walking up and down Newbury Street glancing into the shops and just talking was really nice.  However, it was when we were on the way home that the opportunity presented itself.  We had just gotten on the Orange line and this skinny, disheveled man stumbled onto the train.  This happens more often than you would like riding the trains in Boston and everyone always seems to have some sort of story they tell to ask for your money.

This man was different though.  As he started talking, his sincerity seemed to emanate from him. In a voice full of desperation he stated that he just found out that he had AIDS and that he needed to get on a bus for treatment in Springfield that helps people with no money.  He got emotional saying that he was embarrassed and hate that he had to admit that his diagnosis but he needed $28 to get on that bus and he only had $5.

Like I said, there are a lot of struggling people so my immediate thought is to reject any request for money.  There was just something about this guy that I wanted to give him something.  Knowing I had no cash whatsoever I asked Dave if he had anything.  He told me he spent the rest of his cash when we parked.  This poor guy was almost in tears and I still wasn't sure if I trusted him.  A part of me just wanted to toss some money at him but we had none.

It was at that moment that a man about our age got up from the back of the train and gave him a big hug.  The guy just began sobbing.  It was then that I realized that he needed that understanding, that support more than he needed any money.  He just kept repeating, "I just want to get some help. I just want to get some help."   That man who embraced him seemed to open the door.  A young woman stepped up and handed him a $20 and another man gave him a $10.   He was beside him.  He couldn't believe the generosity from these strangers.

Still the only thing I did was ask him if he was going to be okay as he got off the train.  He just kept thanking all of us.  A part of me wishes that we had at least bought him dinner.  We didn't have any cash but we could have bought him a sandwich for the ride.  I wanted to do more and I had just stood there spending more time trying to determine whether this guy was trying to take advantage of me than actually trying to figure out how to help him.

When did I become so cynical?  It makes me really mad.  He wasn't asking any of us to take him to Springfield.  We were in no danger. What was the worst that could happen, we would give money to someone who might not deserve it?  Is it more important to not be swindled than it is to lend a helping hand.  I think I'd rather do the right thing and be taken advantage of than run the risk of doing nothing for someone who may actually need it.

Truthfully, it's not just there.  I don't do anything to help others.  Hell, I hardly stay in touch with my own friends.  I don't volunteer, I don't go out of my way to be with people, I just think about what's best for me.  I want to do these things but wanting and doing are very different.  I need to start taking action and not just thinking about it.

School begins this week in my hometown

Physically, I take after my dad.  I have his small face with almost no forehead, bushy eyebrows, big hazel eyes that glint with a hint of gold.  I inherited his lean frame that carries any excess weight pretty well.  Although his jet black hair has gone gray, he's aged well.   Over the years I've begun to embrace the fact that I resemble him more than my mother; but that wasn't always easy.  There was nothing quite like being a little girl who found herself with an unwanted boyish haircut that prompted even more people to remark about her father's likeness.  

As school begins for the school children around the country, I've found myself thinking back to my own schooldays.  On this day though, I wasn't full of nostalgia.  I was thinking about how glad I am that it's over.  Faced with the many pressures of being an adult, I think we are inclined to look back on our childhood with a sort of wistful longing.  Somehow, we've allowed ourselves to forget just how difficult and painful it could be at that time.  

Looking down at my hairy legs (I haven't been able to shave due to an allergic reaction to a new shaving cream) I couldn't help but think about the not so pleasant parts of my childhood.  Along with that boyish haircut, I also began first grade with far more body hair than most girls my age.  In fact, I had more hair than some of my male classmates.  Worse, it was as jet black as the hair on my head.  Combine that we my speech impediment and my somewhat desperate need to be liked, it's really no wonder that I became an easy target. 

For years, I listened to the kids howl like coyotes at the moon when I approached.  It was there not so subtle reminder that they thought I looked like a werewolf due my body hair.   As it continue throughout grade school I would spend many nights crying into my pillow or yelling at my parents about how their genes cursed me forever.   Years later, doctors would repeatedly test for a possible hormone imbalance.  There were times that I actually prayed that I did have more testosterone in me, at least maybe then they could treat it.  I grew to hate everything about the way I looked.

One day, they showed me a picture of my dad at my age with a comment about how much I looked at him.   When I looked at the picture, I saw the resemblance and declared, "I don't want to look like him. He's ugly."  In my young mind, every time I was reminded that I looked like my dad, I only heard that I looked like a boy.  Didn't they know that boys were gross?  Why would they say I looked like one?  The last thing I wanted to be was a hairy boy and yet that's how I felt. 

As I hit adolescence I learned how to fight fire with fire.  When someone made some mean comment about my body hair I found something that made them insecure and made a mean comment back.  I knew it wasn't nice but I ignoring it didn't work for years and this had some affect.  In the sixth grade I found myself part of my very first clique.  Like all cliques,we had a leader.  The leader of a clique is almost portrayed as a very pretty mean girl; however, I'm not sure if you really even have to be all that pretty.  Our leader was not the prettiest based on media standards but she was mean.  

When she chose a pretty, petite blond to hate the rest of us went right along with her.  There were times when I wondered what this poor girl did that deserved our comments but there was another part of me that was just glad it wasn't me.  If I had to be mean to stay cool and keep myself from being the target then I'd be mean.  Looking back I regret that part of my life with a passion.  I wish I had the strength to stand up to them and be the better person but I became as bad as the rest of them.   I still cringe when I think about the applesauce filled with mayonnaise we gave to her.  She was smart enough not to eat tampered food but really how awful is that?  

A year later, those same girls made me their target.  I would spend my days hating "recess" when I would stand next to them pretending to be a friend of theirs while they purposely ignored me or made comments they new would hurt me.  They revealed other things too... things that I didn't hesitate to use against them when they isolated another of our group.  By the end of the year, I found myself back in a different clique.  Clearly, I hadn't learned.  A few months before the end of eighth grade I got sick in my womanly area that kept me out of school for weeks.  Because of it's personal nature, I didn't talk about it much.  

Imagine my surprise when I got back to school to find out that many of the same girls in my clique had also spread the rumor that the reason I was out was because I had an abortion.  To ensure my status as a social outcast, they told the few loyal to me that I had said horrible things about them.  Since talking behind each other's back was normal, I was not believed when I denied it all.  In many ways, it hurt more that I didn't say those things.  It's not that I wasn't mean, I was-they had plenty of ammunition but they chose to lie instead.  

Needless to say I was devastated.  I spent the rest of the year just trying to keep the remnants of my dignity and the summer without a single friend from school was one of the worst summers of my life.  A part of me knew I had deserved it.  I wasn't a nice person and the people I chose as friends weren't nice people.  I resolved that I would never consciously treat anyone like that ever again.  I was given the opportunity to prove it when I entered high school and found myself involved in a group that was remarkably similar to that of my middle school clique.  

It wasn't long when I was faced with a choice: I could be mean and stay in the group or I could walk away.  I chose to walk away.  Over the next few months, new rumors that I was lesbian reverberated quietly among those in socially high places.  Walking through the halls I would actually count the number of people who didn't like me, the number who didn't know me, and number who did like me.  For a couple of months, all that matter was that the number who didn't like me was higher than the number who did.  

In a strange twist, that pretty blond we treated so horribly had become very popular.  I expected her to be the one of the worst but instead she and her ex-boyfriend were the two that stepped in to defend me when no one else would.  To say that I felt like such trash after receiving her support is an understatement.  How could she be so nice after I had treated her?  I didn't deserve it.  I deserved what I was getting.  I expected it from her too.  

Her kindness reconfirmed my conviction to be a better person.  One day I walked down the halls and I realized that there were more people who didn't have a clue who I was than there were who disliked me.  I may only have a handful of people who liked me but I could just enjoy those friends and stop worrying about the rest.  When I decided to do that, I began to meet many of those I didn't know.  Before long I was walking through the halls and those who liked me outnumbered those who didn't. Better yet, I was with a group of people were actually fun to be around.  I didn't have to talk badly about anyone else or treat anyone as inferior to keep them as friends.  They accepted me--flaws and all.  

Over time, those who spent so much time spreading rumors forgot about me.  They moved on and so did I.  My rough seas of finding and keeping friends calmed.  I sailed through the rest of high and college with only a few hiccups.  Of course, I encountered a whole new obstacle during my sophomore year.   I thought I had gone through a lot before, I thought I was strong until I met him.  Even him though, I not only endured everything he put me through but I am finally beginning to move on.  It took me nine years to establish solid friendships and it's taken about the same amount of time to move past all he put me through and enjoy my wonderful husband but it's happening.  

In the end, I'm so glad I'm done with school.  It wasn't all bad.  In fact, I did enjoy school far more than most but I wouldn't want to go through it all again.   It wasn't easy but it was worth it.  

Project Runway

Almost a week after the latest Project Runway episode aired, I've finally watched it.  I always hate the "real women" challenge that occurs every season.  There's always that one designer who complains constantly about what a burden designing and sewing for the average woman.  Really, you've been making clothing for years and you've only designed for models a size 2 or smaller?  I must say, I can normally overlook it but this season, contestant Ven caused such anger in me.  It's one thing to bemoan the size of your lady in the interviews with the producers.  I get that they will highlight anything you say in that regard.  However, it's a whole other thing to make that woman feel like less than a person.

Her friend nominated her because she is always so busy caring for everyone else that she wanted to treat her with an outfit made just for her.  Instead, the poor women was publicly humiliated on national television by this arrogant and incompetent designer.  What I hate is that he actually does know how to design clothing but he chose not to under the pretense that she was just too big.  Knowing her size he purposely tried a belt that he knew wouldn't fit just so he could berate her and tell her how difficult of a client she is because of her size.  Seriously, who does that?   It just made me so angry that I wish I was better with clothing and could actually treat her to a day of beauty.  

I hope he gets eliminated soon.

Work

Work didn't drag at a snail's pace today, thank goodness.  It took a good deal of energy to get myself there today.  It would have been one of those days that I would've called in before.  Instead I went to work, did my job, go through the evening, and came home.  Just one more day left until my "weekend."   I'm proud of myself.  I just got to keep it up.  It helps to have a goal in mind.  Something concrete to work toward.  So yeah, aside from going to work not much happened today.  I think that's all I can write about.

No Hangover!

After writing my post, I totally crashed.  It was just after 9pm and I fell into bed.  I don't think I was awake for more than five minutes after getting comfortable.  I fell asleep right away and didn't wake up again until my alarm went off at 6am.  Going to bed, I didn't take my medicine for fear that I would be sick.  Since my eating habits have been so poor recently, I realized that if I take my medicine without enough food in my stomach I get all nauseous and feel like crap.  Drunk with little food in my stomach I didn't want to take that risk.  Not when I had to work the next morning.  Briefly I worried about feeling hung over but waking up this morning I felt fine.  It took my snoozing my alarm a few times before I could get myself out of bed but when I did I felt okay.  No headache or nausea.

Work seemed to go on forever again today.  I don't know what's up with that.  That makes two consecutive shifts.  Normally Sundays are better days than the weekdays but I just couldn't get motivated.   There were a ton of fraud calls to make and normally I don't leave until I finish all the ones for my shift even after 3pm rolls around.  Today though, the minute 3 rolled around I was out of there with calls still remaining.  I don't know what's getting into me recently.  I hope I get over it soon though.  With the hurricanes in the Florida and Bermuda areas are not going to make this week very fun, sadly.  I just have to take Monday and Tuesday one day at a time and just get through them.   Hey, who cares if I'm counting down every minute once I'm there.  At least I'm getting there, right?

I'm tired...

I don't feel that hungry.  I just don't.  Dave keeps telling me I need to eat more but sometimes I just don't feel hungry.  Right now, I feel tired.  I was up earlier than normal for a Saturday, on a fishing boat in the sun for a good portion of the day, and then had a bit too much to drink at the bar afterwards.  What? A bucket of rum needed to be had.  Where else can one get a bucket of rum and keep the bucket afterward.  Don't worry mom.  The rum didn't hit me until after we left so Dave's coworkers do not think I'm a lush.   Also Dave drove home.

I was feeling a little hungry earlier and got icecream but now I feel okay.  Still, Dave told me he is very disappointed in my eating habits.  He hates that I skip meals.  He really didn't like that I forgot to bring my dinner to work last night.  I mean, he's right.  I really should eat more than three diet cokes, a spoonful of cookie dough, and some chocolate at the chocolate party at work.  It's not good for me.  I know.  He wants me to eat real food now though but I just want to go to bed.  That's the thing about alcohol, I feel great but then I just want to sleep.

Plus, I have to be up at 6 am so falling asleep now at 9am seems like a good idea.  Yeah I'm totally at that point when the inebriation begins to wear off and I'm just uncomfortable.  It's moments like this that I always tell myself that I'll never drink again.  I'm not sick just not normal.

Work

Work dragged tonight.  The first hour went quickly but then it just slowed from there.  I found myself counting the hours early in the evening which is never good.  There wasn't anything different.  It wasn't overly busy or totally dead, just a little slow.  Honestly, there are too many people on schedule on Fridays.  I really wish I could take it off.  Unfortunately my boss thinks that the majority of us need to be working that day.  I don't know if she's afraid that we are more inclined to call in sick or ask for Fridays off so there are more of us than needed just in case.   I think a big part of me is just tired of working Friday nights.   At the moment though, I don't feel ready to demand it off or to find another job.  

Sometimes I wonder if I am allowing myself to get stuck.  I've been at this company for four years now and I really haven't grown professionally at all.  Of course, much of that is my choice, I guess.  I didn't look elsewhere using the terrible  job market as a convenient excuse to not even bother trying to find something different.  Also, I like the people if I don't like the job as a whole.   I'm afraid that I may find a job I like but truly dislike the people I'm working with.  A part of me fears that it's worse.  

My hope is that as I continue to get better psychologically I will find that strength to move on or at least ask for what I want at my current place.  

Before bed isn't a good time to write

I need to stop writing the moment I want to go to bed.  It's counterproductive.  Because I'd rather go to bed, I don't want to write.  When that happens, my wonderful friends who follow me have to read more of the same crap the likes of what I've written recently.  Still, I am writing on a daily basis.  It's not much but it's something.  Recently though I feel like I've been really cutting corners.  Belgh.  Today there are things that I could write about as potential writing practice but sadly, I'm just going to blah, blah, blah all the same stuff I've said a million and one times now.

But yeah, I think it's the whole writing so that if I decide to take my bath earlier or just lay down I will be able to go to sleep.  I hate settling into bed and then having Dave say, "Hey, did you write?"  Whenever I drag myself out of bed or write just before bed like this my posts tend to be downright awful. Awful and whiny.  We're having a chocolate party at work tomorrow though so that's good.

Not much

I thoroughly enjoy my days off.  As the day was coming to a close, I felt my chest tighten with the thought that I would have to go to work tomorrow before realizing that I don't actually need to go in.  It was freeing.  I felt like I had a very nice day that I was able to enjoy so it seems kind of awesome to get a second day.   Honestly, I shouldn't be that surprised.  The fact that I got up and enjoyed the day helps.  I didn't sit at home day dallying on my computer and watching television.  Was it productive? Not exactly but I'm not too worried about that.

Man I would love to get bit by the writing bug again.  Just not today.

Last night and today

Last night didn't go the way I hoped.  Oddly enough, I stuck to the routine I'm hoping to make a habit and I was able to get to sleep.  Unfortunately about an hour later I woke up to Dave scratching his neck like he was trying to remove his skin.  It is truly disturbing--the sound does not sound human.  It's a big pet peeve of mine.  It's like nails on a chalk board for me and when it wakes me up I want to hit him.  Sadly, not only did it wake me up last night but I then couldn't get back to sleep.  It was bad and though I wanted to kill my husband it was easier to just snuggle up next to him and enjoy it before I went back to sleep.

I'm very excited that today is Tuesday.  It means that my weekend is here!  Sure, I have it scattered with appointments but I will have some time for myself.  Dave and I might actually go see the movies we're been wanting to see forever.  Maybe not, though.  We'll see.  Anyway, leaving work today felt extra satisfying.  Now, I'm watching Design Stars where they are making old shipping containers into small homes.  Right up my alley if I must say so myself.  A murphy bed with a chalkboard on the other side, perfection!

Routines

I want to jump in the bath and relax.  Since I began listening to that book about habits I really want to try to create a nighttime routine or habit that will get me to sleep at a regular hour.  I can't keep going to bed at absurd hours and waking up in the early afternoon.   It will just end up depressing me.  Out of all my habits, this is one of the ones that would really like to cultivate.  So yeah, my habit is to come home from work, spend about an hour or so on the computer or talking with Dave before taking a hot bath while reading.  They say that taking a hot bath will help make you sleepier because it helps to lower your body temperature which is something that needs to happen to get to sleep.   Once out of the tub, I dry off and go directly to bed.  No computer and no phone (hopefully).   It worked last night but I was also super exhausted so I don't know if it counts. 

I made it again to work today and I really determined to not call in anymore.  I think it helps that I have a goal.  I want to ask for Fridays off.  I want to work a different schedule but I don't feel comfortable asking for anything since I've been crazy for the last few months calling in so often.  Really though I think the time has come for me to either get a new job or change the hours of my current one.  Because I'm paranoid I'm reluctant to go looking for something else right now.  There's that lingering "what if I can't handle life again" thought that creeps into my head.  I don't want to start a new job only to have to quit it because I start freaking out again.   I'll just have to see how it goes.  We'll see.

Audio books

I'm going to write this quickly.  We just got back from a late dinner and I've crashed.  Because of how late I slept in for most of last week I was determined not to nap after work today.   As much as I love naps, it only reinforces staying up much later than I should.  Sure, there are times after a late night with friends or doing things there is not question that I need nap a bit or else I'll just be whiny and cranky all afternoon and fall asleep anyway.   But yeah, right now though.  I would like to get some better habits.   It's funny.  I'm reading a book about habits and how they work and how you develop good habits and modify bad ones.  It's actually really entertaining.

Of course, it's an audio book so I guess I can't really say I'm "reading" it.  Rather I'm listening to it.  I decided on getting a membership to Audible.com.  With all the time I spend driving and walking listening to books really works.  Not to mention that I'm an auditory learner.  For some reason, I just retain information better when I hear it than when I see it.   It's funny.  I spent a really long time denying myself these books because I didn't want another subscription.  Then I really thought about it.  I'm definitely going to use this.  Unlike Netflix, we pay a month membership fee and we don't utilize it anywhere near enough to make it worth.  If we actually got rid of cable, maybe.  So yeah, out with and in with the new.

Perseverance

It's Saturday night and I feel alright.  Yay!  My nose feels okay and my head doesn't hurt.  My allergies seem to gotten back under control which is fabulous.   Hopefully that will continue because I'd really like to see Katie again.  I haven't called her because I'm afraid of sneezing all over that beautiful baby of her.  Sure, it may just be allergies but what if I'm carry something else.  The way I sneeze and cough sometimes, it just worries me to be around someone so small.  Really though, I haven't seen her, Jared, or that little boy since the day after he was born.  It's killing me.  I think about them all the time and I've been afraid to reach out because I'm afraid of having to cancel another meeting because of my stupid nose.

I hate it.  I don't like cancelling on people or calling in to work anymore.  Not that I ever did but I made excuses before.  As I've told the few friends I've seen recently my goal is to just get to work, to suck it up, and go.  I don't want to let my anxiety and depression get in my way.  Before getting sick I went into work for two weeks straight.  I know that doesn't sound like a lot but it's a big deal for me.  The anxiety feeds the depression and I got myself into this cycle where it was easier to give in letting it overcome me than to push through it.  I don't want to do that.  Getting sick so soon after setting that goal was frustrating but I'm back on the horse.  Since then, I've been back a full week and I hope for it to continue.

Really, I'm tired of letting myself down.  I'm tired of letting others down.  I'm watching Extreme Makeover Weightloss Edition and the 50 year old person dropped more than 200 pounds in one year.  During this same year he ended his relationship with his fiance, spent the more than 6 months living out of his car, and even suffered the loss of his son.   He encountered so many hardships but he never gave up.   If he can do that despite everything that got in his way, I can achieve my goals.  Perseverance.  I can do this!

Don't Bother with this one

Okay I'm just busting this out because I really would rather not write this right now.  Yeah, this is the fourth time I've said that this week but it's true.  I'm just not feeling it.  It's not even that I don't have anything to write about tonight.  I do but I just don't want to do it.   Apparently it's just easier for me to write this crap than it is to actually mention things that are actually relevant to my life.   Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow.   Truthfully, I'm just doing other things and I'm invested in that.  I want to spend my time doing that and having to write is just a distraction or a necessity that I've required of myself.   Does this count as an entry?  Who am I even asking?  It's up to me to determine if it's long enough but this just feels so half-assed.   Ah well, I'm certainly not going to put you through anymore.

Stupid Television shows

There must be something in the water this week because writing is mentally painful.  I get to this laptop, look at the blank screen, and just sit here.   Nothing comes.  It probably doesn't help that my show of choice for the evening was Bachelor Pad.  Seriously, talk about a show that makes you just feel dumber.  It's so tacky and ridiculous and mindless.  I think that's why I chose it off of the OnDemand feature.   At least on this one just about everyone is on the show for fame and money versus for "love."  The people are just so ridiculous but I can't help but feel badly for some of the naive trusting ones.  I could never handle these kinds of shows not that I would ever go on one.  I mean, I love attention and all but the world of reality television made me realize just how many people are just plain desperate for it.  

Okay, so I'm sure there are many people who were in my generation who remembers growing up when the Real World was airing.   To think of how many adults used to hate the show but then Survivor changed the world of television.  My parents, who used to make me turn off shows like the Real World because of the all the drunken behavior and sexual activity.  Today though shows like this are on ABC at primetime.  In the last five minutes it was full on drunken hookups.  I suppose with all the channels out there now though, it must be easy to avoid but still.  Something tells me that I'm going to be thinking things like this for years to come.  

Alli!!

After forever, I got to see Alli again tonight.  It was so good to catch up with her.  Seriously, I don't remember the last time I got to see.  I think it was the last time Katie had all of us over and I got all sick from the cats.  Unfortunately I left earlier than I wanted to due to cats in Alli's apartment (so depressing by the way) but I had a great time with her during the short we spent together.  We just got to talking and I really do just love talking with her.  She's one of those people who just understand things.  She's my rational yet empathetic friend; you know, the one you can go to get the truth in a wonderfully tactful way (most of the time anyway).   She can tell me that whatever I'm thinking or feeling is completely out of line or irrational but at the same time I don't feel like she's judging me for it.  

Okay, I'm having a horrible time writing.  I've done like seven things since I started and I'm not succeeding.  Really, hanging out with Alli was fabulous, awesome, and I love her a whole lot.  

Newlyweds

Not feeling like writing tonight.  I've been waiting all night for some sort of inspiration to come but nothing has happened so far.  I want to do other things.  Luckily Dave reminded me to write before going to bed or else I probably wouldn't have written anything at all.  It's funny, I just thought to myself that I could write about him.  Seriously, I could talk about him all the time.  Sometimes I fear for myself.  I mean I've allow him to become my world but I'm really enjoying that.

Yes, I know.  I know.   I'm sure I have a couple of friends who think he's abducted me in a way.  There's a good chance that I would think the same thing if it were someone else.  I was always the girl who claimed that I didn't need a man to complete my life.  In past relationships, I purposely kept my distance from those I dated.  In many ways that protected me.  Dave is different though.  I trust him and I am learning to trust myself when I'm with him.

Truth is I'm happy when I'm with him.  Maybe it's the fact that our shifts conflict.  I spend most of the day home without him and by the time he gets home I'm gone.  It's hard.  I will say that when we worked the same shift and had weekends off together it didn't feel as crucial to be together.  Right now, I just feel like we never have enough time together .  Maybe this is normal.  I mean, we are still newlyweds after all.

"I'm not upset, I'm outraged!"

I felt the joys of being a customer service representative tonight.  There's nothing quite like arrogant, irate caller just before you're about to leave for the evening.  Now, I'll be the first to admit that I think some of the policies in practice are inconvenient to our customers.  I totally expect the calls of frustration due to those policies.  However, I also know that I'm not in the position to accept the liability of easing those policies and since they don't hurt anyone I don't feel obligated to really change it.  Also, I take stock in our free market system.  No one is forced to do business with us or our affiliates.  If you don't like our policies, you have the ability to go somewhere else.

Yes, I do anticipate calls of frustrated cardholders and I understand why they are frustrated.  I wish I could do more for them.  The majority of people I speak with understand that.  They realize that I'm powerless.  Even those who initially start out as jerks eventually realize that I am doing everything I can to assist them and back off.  Sure it would be great if they weren't jerks at all but people always seem to think that if you're an asshole, you'll get what you want.  Sometimes this is true but there are just as many times that they don't get what they want, they realize that I can give them what they want, and they are still an asshat.

Take my favorite "outraged" caller of the evening who thought it would surprise me to know that he owned five houses in Michigan.  It didn't.  He also made sure to let me know that he is a judge and that his wife is a college professor but again but none of that matters.  He could own the state of Michigan and I won't do anything that might cost me my job.   He might be wealthy; however,  I speak to people who own multiple thriving and well-known  businesses on a daily basis. They don't  attempt to prove their monetary worth to me because they know their worth and they also know how to get what they want.  It's part of the reason they are so successful.   I find that people say things to indicate how rich and powerful they are, it probably means they're not all that rich or powerful.

I so wanted to say to him, "you are so not as special as you think you are" but that would've cost me my job.  I am more than happy to write a detailed letter to my supervisors and contacts at the bank making sure to quote his statements of "outrage."   I will gladly share that he threatens to sue us over the emotional distress of his wife whose card was declined at Mr. Wahoo's restaurant (first world problems, anyone?).   I will be sure to let them know that he plans to tell everyone he knows or that he want us to write a letter to Mr. Wahoo's explaining why he was declined (as if they actually care).  I will certainly provide them his office phone number and will be sure to note that they say, " May I please speak to Judge X if he's not on the bench dealing with real criminals."

Maybe they'll be able to do more for you as they are the ones with the actual power to make changes.  After the way he talked to me though, a part of me sincerely hopes that they tell him to buzz off.  Judging from his modest credit line, I strongly doubt that it will cripple his financial institution if he chooses to take his business elsewhere.  Maybe he can write a song about how we declined his card and embarrassed his wife; I would love to see a 40 something singing judge on Youtube.  It worked for Dave Carroll when United broke his guitar.  Maybe it will work for him too.  By all means, he should go for it.  Yelling at a customer service representative for twenty minutes probably is not anyone's best course of action if they actually want anything to change.

I did everything I could to try and appease him.  I know I won't lose my job because he was unhappy.  I just hope I don't get reprimanded for being a bit snarky in my attempts to tolerate him.  I can't worry about that now.  I have the next two days off and I plan to forget about it.   Until my bosses bring it up, I will take solace from the fact that upon Googling him I found that  "in three separate opinions, the Indiana Court of Appeals ruled that.... [his] understanding of a 20-year-old state law was contrary to what the law actually said."  

Simple Sundays

Both my night and my morning were better than I anticipated.  I was able to sleep and I woke up feeling rested despite the short actual time asleep.  Work wasn't too bad.  I started to crash around 1pm but I gave myself a nice burst of sugar and was able to get through the whole day plus an additional hour.  Even when I got home I was doing okay and had a bit of energy.   It wasn't until I took a bath that I began to relax feel sleepy.  It was still far too early for dinner and I knew that if I didn't give myself a bit of a nap I would be cranky and irritable.  I laid down, slept for an hour or so and when I woke we went to dinner.

Unfortunately, doing this made me miss the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.  That kind of stinks because the glimpses I got from the restaurant (there was no sound), the festivities seemed entertaining.  Still, I got the chance to talk to Dave for a bit.  It was such a busy weekend for him that it was nice to get away from the apartment and just hang out.  Though I'm awake longer on Sundays than any other day this day always seems to go by so quickly.  Possibly it's because the first four hours of work I'm still half asleep.

Sense

An unusual Saturday night.  Not only did I work but pleasant and no so pleasant aromas wafted through my mucus-lined nose.  It's been such a long time since I've smelled anything.  A friend from high school got into a car accident a while ago losing his sense of smell and taste.  This whole week with my nose clogged, I couldn't help but think of him.  When he told my parents he had accepted it.  I mean, that car crash was really bad and it's awesome that he survived so maybe he feels that he got away lucky.  Still, after this week not having my sense of smell and my sense of taste muted I got a slight glimpse and I can't help but feel for him.  Funny how someone you haven't talked to in years can come into your thoughts multiple times in one week.   So yes, I was so happy when I got the slightest whiff of popcorn and at the scent of burnt rubber on the highway.  I've missed my sense of smell.   This week gave me a new appreciation for my senses.

Tomorrow is going to be difficult when it comes to waking up.  Last night, there was no way I was going to bed before Dave.  I had slept into the mid afternoon while he was at work and he was working into the early hours of morning.   I couldn't go to bed before him.  His computer is in the bedroom too so that would be doubly awful- him working away exhausted while I'm peacefully snoring away.  He did eventually solve the problem but the sun was making it's way into the sky by the time we went to bed.  As a result, I slept until I had to go to work today.   It's not going to be easy to sleep tonight.  It's never easy to sleep knowing I have to wake up at an hour I'm not used to but tonight it will be worse.  I will almost definitely be napping tomorrow afternoon.

P.S. I Love You

It's 3am and Dave is in the other room trying to resolve an issue at work.  He's on call this weekend and something is not working.   I wish there was something I could do to help him.   I wish that he could go to bed and try again in the morning but he says that one of the main people will be really upset if it's not working.  I hate that.  Poor guy has been up for almost 20 hours and there is no way that he could be thinking clearly.  My gut tells me that he'd be able to figure it out if he just got some rest.  I asked if he wanted to take a quick nap, that I would personally stay awake to wake him back up but he didn't want to do that.  I think I've inherited my mother's desire to "fix" things.  I just hate seeing him stressed, irritated, and exhausted.  I want to make things better.  

Before this issue, we watched the end of P.S. I Love You.  It was on t.v. and after watching two sets of commercials we decided to pop in the DVD.   Gosh, I love that movie.  It kills me emotionally but I love it.  We first saw it on New Year's Eve in 2007.   It was our first New Year's together so it has personal significance to us.  Add to that the main character deals with the death of her husband in the exact way I imagine I would if Dave were to die and it shot it's way up to my top three movies of all time.  Seriously, I cry every twenty minutes while watching it but I love that it moves me in such a way.  It's not something I can watch whenever because I need to recover from it afterward but yeah, I love that movie.  Apparently it was based off a book.  That might just be the next book on my list. 

Mainly, that movie makes me value my husband in a visceral way.  Now that he is struggling with this issue in the other room, it drives me crazy.  I love that man more than I ever thought possible.

Feeling a bit better

My sister just dropped me off after seeing the horrible movie that was Magic Mike.  Really, it being a movie about strippers I wasn't really expecting much.  Not that there isn't any depth to strippers but that depth is rarely highlighted in Hollywood.   Sadly, there wasn't much of that in this movie either.  The dancing was great and I've determined that watching men strip is probably more exciting in person.  It made me want to go to Vegas.  I want to watch the male shows and the female shows but I think I'm more into watching the routines.  At that level it is more dancing than anything.   I mean any hot person can take off there clothing; it's what they can do with their bodies while they are doing it that it what's more entertaining to me.   The ending of this movie was beyond disappointing but my sister and I had a good laugh about it afterward.  

God, I just reread that paragraph.  It was all over the place just like that movie I just watched.  It was nice to see my sister and just hang out with her.  There was a time that I would feel so uncomfortable talking to her about things.  She was my little sister and I just didn't feel like she would understand but it's really nice to have that be different now.  I like that we've become friends which is really wonderful.   I wished the movie wasn't so late because I hate the idea that she's driving home at midnight after she's worked all day.   Hopefully she'll get home fine, though.   Thanks mom for giving me your anxiety.

My nose is feeling a little better.  Dave and I determined that it's probably the apartment that is making it worse.  The carpet in here needs a solid cleaning and I'm sure is full of dust.  I wish that we could remove it all together and just put hardwood floors in instead.  Unfortunately though we cannot: the downside of renting instead of owning.   Still, I woke up feeling a bit better.

Same thing as last year

When Dave got home he convinced me to get out of the apartment for a bit.  We went to get some dinner at a local roast beef place but my congestion affects my sense of smell and I found it underwhelming.  To try and help, we decide to go for a drive but both of us can't help but notice that I'm touchy.  Little things annoy me and my responses are short and curt.  Finally at a certain point Dave just asked me to let it all out and rant.  So I did.

I spent the next twenty minutes ranting about how frustrated I was with this whole unwell feeling.  How I want to go out but am afraid that it's only going to make me feel worse.  After ranting for a bit I did begin to feel a bit better psychologically at least and I was able to think more clearly.   Suddenly I came to the conclusion that this happens every year.  In fact, I was certain it was around this time last year that I went to the doctors and got the steroid shot.  When we got home, we check this very blog and sure enough at the end of July I was in this same predicament.

So it's clearly something related to allergies.  As much as I don't want to I think I may call the doctor tomorrow.   I thought about calling today but I ended up sleeping and didn't want to go in just for them to tell me it's allergies.  However, the more that I think about it the more I realize that going to my former doctor may be helpful.   I have to be up for a therapy appointment as it is so I think I can handle   going to the other doctors as well.

Hopefully it will actually help.

Sleep has its own schedule

So it's 1am and here I am wide awake.  Last night, if someone called me and said I'd receive a million dollars if I could asleep before dawn, I would have lost out on a ton of money- not to mention sleep.  It was awful.  I just laid there tossing and turning.  My nose wouldn't clear even a little bit and I would have a coughing fit just as I was about to doze off.  Finally around 4am I just played tetris for a bit until I saw the sun rise and I tried again but failed horribly.

By the time Dave's alarm went off I just got out bed and watched t.v.  I didn't end up actually getting to sleep until about 11am.  I slept until 5:30pm when Dave came home from work.   When I got up and ate something, zoned out for a bit, my nose was nightmare so I took a bath to try to clear it only to fall asleep.  Dave helped put me to bed and I slept until just now.  He tried to wake me a couple of times but there was no waking me.

So I'm not even going to try tonight.  Tonight is going to be a Dance Mom marathon and I'm going to call the doctor first thing in the morning.  I think I need to be looked at because though I feel better at times I also feel worse at times too so I don't know.

I hate being sick

By the time I went to bed last night, I felt worse than ever.   It was late due to sleeping and being in bed all day and I think I had so much medication that it made me feel woosy.  Dave was already asleep so I dragged myself to bed unable to breathe and ill with nausea.  My throat was sore, my chest was heavy, and I could only breathe out of one nostril if I laid on my side.  I can't tell you how glad I was to breathe out of that nostril though.  It took quite a bit for me to fall asleep but when I did I was out cold not waking up again until 1:30pm when Dave called to see how I was doing.  

Needless to say, I still felt like someone stuffed my face and chest with a ton of mucus.  My voice was unrecognizable and I did call in sick to work.  That part bummed me out because I've been working so hard to force myself to go and overcome my psychological issues.  I was doing well and then my body betrayed me.   I did force myself out of bed though and spent the rest of the day on the couch and taking baths.  It seemed that sitting in the bath was the only thing that made me feel a bit better.  My lack of smell also affected my tastebuds causing me to not eat very much but I did what I could to get fluids.  

Right now, I am feeling a bit better than last night or this morning.  Not great, but a little better.  Something tells me that tonight and tomorrow is going to be full of the worse part of this little illness.  I caught a glimpse of it when I coughed up something disgusting a little earlier.  Sure enough, this is going break up and come up in ways that aren't going to be pretty.  Hopefully though I can make it to work but I can't worry about that now.  Goodness knows that I've taken enough days due to my mental disfunction, if I have to take one other because I'm physically ill then I really can't be too hard on myself.  

Still sick but thinking about babies

I felt so much worse this morning than I did last night.   Thank goodness I didn't have to go in to work so I was able to stay in bed just about the whole day.  Of course, it wasn't exactly how I wanted to spend my day off but at least I didn't have to go into work.  I don't think I could have done that.  My voice is almost gone.  There's some weight in my chest too and it's really difficult to breathe but my hope is that I'll feel better by tomorrow as I've been really trying to make an effort to get to work and I don't want to call in sick again even if I am legitimately sick this time.

I've spent most of the day in bed either sleeping or playing Tetris on my phone.  I can spend hours playing that game.  Now I'm on the couch typing this and watching the t.v show, "I'm Having Their Baby" about women who have chosen to give up their babies for one reason or another.  I'm interested to see how the show turns out.   I like that there is a show like this out there.  It helps people know that there is another choice between having and taking care of the baby yourself or aborting it.  Of course, anyone who knows me knows that I am pro-choice and wouldn't judge anyone if that was choice that they made.  

It's kind of strange.  For the first time in my life, I'm not dreadfully afraid of getting pregnant.  I mean, I don't necessarily want a little one any time soon but for the first time in my life I feel like if I did get pregnant by accident, it wouldn't be the end of the world.   For years I was utterly terrified about getting pregnant.  If my period was even one day late I would freak out.   I was so afraid that I would be faced with the choice that I would not wish on anyone.  Of course, there were times that I knew for sure what I would do.

Like right now, I know that if I were to get pregnant that I would have it.   I'm in a place now that I feel confident that I could be a mom.  That makes it easy.  Having the baby and keeping it is what I've always wanted but there were times in my life when I didn't know if I could do it if it happened.  My entire relationship with Brian and a good portion of my relationship with Dave I was really torn.  Technically I knew that I was old enough to have a baby, I'd have the support from the dad, and abortion would've been an extremely selfish choice.  However, I was terrified that was the choice I would make.  Adoption would be really difficult.  I know that I would get attached so quickly.

When I was Greg though, I knew that an abortion was the only option.  I couldn't have that baby in high school and he would have never allowed me to give it up for adoption.  There was no way I was going to leave my child with that man.  I would have had to be involved.  There would be awful custody arguments and in the end I know he would use my child to submit to any and all his wishes.  There was no way I could do that but I was also so terrified about the consequences of abortions.  He would've used that against me too.  I'm so incredibly grateful that I never had to face that choice.  However, because of my particular circumstance, I could never, ever be against abortion.   I understand that sometimes there is no other healthy choice.

So yeah that was a random tangent.  I'm so lucky that nothing like that ever happened.  Dave and I are not emotionally or financially ready for a child right now but if it does happen, I will do whatever is necessary to be as wonderful mom as I could be.  That's a little bit of progress, I guess.

Saturday

It's a Saturday night: let the runny nose begin.  Seriously, what is it about Saturdays?  I don't understand.  So far, nothing as eased it at all.   Actually I did take a bath and that did help but I can't stay there forever.  I've tried everything.  I've taken all the medication I could, taken a bath, taken a nap, everything.  It's just frustrating.  I swear, it mainly happens on Saturdays too.  Whatever, there's not much I can do but deal with it.

Aside from this annoyance, my day was really nice.  My mother and I had a great mother/daughter day together which I realized we don't do a lot anymore.  We rarely go out just us and talk anymore.  It's strange how one day your mom is you mom and then the next she's one of your best friends.  I'm really lucky.   We went to a skating/singing show that a friend of mine from college organized as a fundraiser.  When I initially heard about a skating show where people sang show tunes live made me want to sign up right away.  However, I allowed my insecurities get the best of me thinking that I would be the worst skating and singer there since I haven't done either in years.   After watching the show though, I realized that I could have definitely done it and just had fun.

I'm seriously considering getting back on the ice again.  The Stoneham skating club has a membership that would allow me to be part of the USFSA again and the guy who sold me my skates also coaches there.  He's such a good guy and I've been meaning to contact him again to see if he could help refit the orthotics in my skates.  However, this might be a great opportunity for me to get back on the ice.  Once I've done a bit of skating, I'm also seriously considering joining the Skating Club of Boston's Adult Ice Theater team.   It would be great to get back to skating even if it is just one day a week.  The ice theater team looks like it would be a lot of fun though.  They are actually going to be competing in Spain this year.   I think I may have found something to help me get over my issues.

New projects require patience

Once again, I almost forgot to write.  Beginning new projects can be very challenging.  I have the energy but I easily get overwhelmed.   Really, I need to work at this the way I planned my wedding.  I just need to browse right now. It's something we do with weddings long before we get married.  Especially women.   We are surrounded by different ideas for wedding celebrations.  Even if your not all that interested in dreaming about your wedding, it's hard to avoid the pictures and the discussions.   By the time many of us get engaged we've already formed a foundation in the industry.  We have some idea of what we might want though we might not know all the details.

Not everything new idea or project has those ties.  It can take some research before you can begin making your own choices.  Tonight I grew impatient.  I wanted to begin putting things together.  I wanted to start making small choices that I could expand later.  However, I have little knowledge about this part of the world so it's okay to learn about it a bit more.  I need to learn a bit more patience and take my time.  

Small accomplishments

Today was one of those days that I probably would have called in sick to work.   I slept in ridiculously late yet again, was more than irate with myself, more emotional than usual due to not having taken my medication for two days, and just overall depressed.   It was exact kind of day that I normally would use my FMLA status for but not today.  Sure, I spent the entire (short) day extremely frustrated (am still more than angry at myself) but I met my obligations.  I went to work, worked until 11pm, picked up my refill for my medication, and got through it.  It's not really something I should be proud of but I need to take the small accomplishments as they come.   I could continue to berate myself for wasting the day but I'm not going to because I need to focus on my accomplishments, not my setbacks.   Eventually, getting to work won't be a big deal again but for now, I need to just allow myself to be happy with that.

Just getting this post out

I wrote a post for a later date on my potential new blog if I ever get it up and running.  However, now that I've done that I don't want to write this one.  I need to get used to writing more than one post a day or else I'll never get the next blog online.  At the moment, I'm beginning a new project that I'm preparing close to the chest.  It's not something that would interest anyone and they wouldn't understand exactly.  Don't worry, it's nothing to be concerned about.

Anyway, there is something about sleeping all day that makes me more tired.  I'm also really hot.  I hope I'm not getting sick.  That sore throat that I had merely switched sides and never really became more than a dull ache but was it a sign of something more.  Maybe it's the same reason that I can't wear my contacts.  Could it really just be allergies?  I hate it.  I'm going to finish this episode that I'm watching and go lay down.  I might read or something.