Blegh

We're on the way home from a cookout at Kevin and Amanda's home and I feel like crap. Such crap that I've decided to write this on my iPhone rather than wait to get back home to a computer. It's a pain in the butt but all I want to do is fall into bed and pass out. I'm pretty sure it's just allergies but who knows. I have the typical runny nose, itchy eyes, complete head congestion thing going on. It just better be gone by tomorrow because I really want to meet little Wyatt.

I already know he is absolutely adorable thanks to Facebook but I've yet to actually meet him or see mom and dad since he was born. If I'm feeling okay we'll be going with Feis and Becky. I can help but be worried about it because i'd be beyond devastated if I were to bring a cold to a newborn. I sent mom and dad a text and I'll see how I feel but I'm leaving that call to the parents. I don't know if any of that made sense but oh we'll. Really, really wish I didn't have to work tomorrow.

I can't fix idiocy

What a night. During the first half of my shift at work I had all this energy.  I was excited, motivated, and feeling good then around 6:30 things seemed to go downhill.  Suddenly I was counting the minutes left even though I had more than two hours left.  About a half hour before I was supposed to leave, I received this call from this super cantankerous women who was super upset because she couldn't log into the credit card website.  We had already reset her four times.  Brittany, out of frustration, actually changed her password to the name of the company thinking that she wouldn't be able to mistype that but of course you can never underestimate one's stupidity.  As I went through the process of resetting her for the fifth time she yelled at me.  When I asked to her enter it in now and see what the message was she said she couldn't because she was driving.   Seriously?  We're available 24 hours a day, you can't call when you are actually at your computer?   How do you expect us to help you.   She continued to go on and on.

Finally, I was fed up and I couldn't contain myself.   It probably sounded super condescending but I don't care.  I told her that yes, this was the fifth time we had to reset her but that it's absolutely impossible for us to help her beyond resetting her password if she wasn't at her computer.   I actually said, "if this doesn't work this time, you need to call us from your computer so that we can see what's going on exactly.  I'm documenting our conversation.  If this doesn't work and we are able to determine that everything is okay on our end, you will need to escalate this to your company's authorizing officers (normally they're the bosses) and have them call us so that we can try to work out an alternative for you specifically."  My coworkers seemed to get a kick out of it.   I hung up the phone with a "I can fix idiocy" exclamation and we bonded over past discussion with this lady.   There's a part of me that does hope she calls in because I would love to explain to her bosses what's going on and have them log in for her.   Normally I can understand it if the person is older.  She is under forty (I don't remember exactly what year she was born but I always check that when dealing with computer issues).

Hopefully I didn't sound as annoyed as I felt because I don't want to get in trouble but really sometimes I just lose patience with these people.  Thank goodness that by the time I hung up with her I only had a few minutes left to my shift.  

Beginning to move on

My fears from yesterday were alleviated early this afternoon, thank goodness.  What I did yesterday was both reckless and stupid but there turned out to be some positive aspects of it.  It made me realize that I've become obsessed and entirely consumed by fear, anger, sadness, and frustration.  It's blinding me to everything that I have in my life.   When it turned out that everything was okay, not only did I breathe a sigh of relief but I also thought, "alright, enough is enough already."  I need to begin to let go.  I can't keep clinging to the past hoping beyond all hope that I can go back and do it all over again.  I want to but I just need to accept what's happened, make my peace, and move on.

Sure I can say that I've been trying to do that for the past two years but that's not entirely true.  What I've really been doing the past two years was try to come to terms with what happened.  After years and year of denial, shame, and guilt I suddenly needed to reconcile that I was not quite as strong as I or anyone else though I was.   In my attempts I became obsessed with everything related to it.  The pain, the fear, the panic, the doubt, and hatred, all of it.  It just enveloped me the way smoke takes hold of a home long before the flames can bring it down.   It was be a lie to say that I have come to terms with all but the obsession with it needs to stop.

Over the past few weeks, I am beginning to find my faith again.  I can't even begin to explain just how desperate I am for my faith to be what it was; however, deep down I know that my faith will never quite be the same.  In a similar way that I will never be the same.  Despite that though, it feels good to begin establishing my beliefs again.  Of course, there is a part of me that worries because Dave has no desire for faith and doesn't believe at all.  I fear that it will create a divide between the two of us.  I can't not believe for him the same way that he can't believe for me.  We'll have to figure it out as we go.  In the meantime, I am very happy about the peace it is giving me.

Stupid

I did something really stupid today.  What's weird is that the entire time I knew it was stupid.   Now, I'm plagued with ridiculous paranoia.  Dave laughed at me and my crazy thinking afterwards when I told him but he also reminded me that it was a bit reckless.  He wanted to know why I opted to go alone but I knew he would talk me out of it.  At the time, I didn't want to be talked out of it.  I was curious and my curiosity totally got the best of me.   So, yeah I'm ridiculously nervous over stupid reasons that are so incredibly far-fetched that I can't even begin to calculate the odds.  I'll take it as a side effect of my stupidity.   I'll feel a lot better in a couple of days I'm sure.  Hopefully.   That'll teach me to give in to my curiosity.

The more positive aspect of this was that it showed me just far I've lost touch with reality.  It's time to reenter the world.

Back to the routine

Had to go back to work today.  It wasn't too bad actually considering how much I was dreading it.  I'm glad it went well and no one yelled at me over the phone which is always huge.  One person who's an absolute jerk can totally ruin my day.  Please keep that in mind when you feel like screaming at someone over the phone: you may be responsible for completely ruining the other person's day.  For those of you who want to do just that, please try and remember that the person you're speaking to has very little power.   They are only able to do the bare minimum.  The people you are angry at are far above the person you are speaking to and you will not be able to speak with them, ever.

Unfortunately, aside from working, I did little else except sleep a lot.  I really want to try and break that habit.  Hopefully, I'll be able to.  Also completely forgot that I have to work on Thursday as well.  Not that I can complain too much as I just had a number of days off.   It will be mean I won't have to use one of my PTO days.  Anyway, that's really all I feel like saying right now.

More of the same old thing...

Tonight is one of those nights that I wish I had written earlier.  I hadn't intended to go to bed so soon but find myself just wanting to sleep.  Dave and I had the night off which was really nice.  We watched a show and I was able to talk with him about stuff that I've been reluctant to share or talk about.  Unfortunately, just because I don't want to talk about it doesn't mean that I'm not still thinking about it frequently.

While I was away, I wrote letters to Greg and his parents.  Not that I ever plan on sharing them but I still wrote it like I was and I'm not sure if it went the way I hoped.  I allowed Dave to read them his responses to that and from our talk today indicate that I still hold myself responsible for what happened to me all those years ago.  Logically, I get it.  He was a predator and he took advantage of the fact that I was easily flustered, insecure, inexperienced, and very religious to craft this web of manipulation, deceit, and control that masqueraded as love.

Now that I think about it, I might begin another letter this time with the opening sentence, "It really would have been nice to know that you were a Level 3 Sex Offender before we began dating."  He can't deny that.  He's been tried, convicted, and has his face plastered on the national sex offender registry as a Level 3 offender who has a high risk of offending again.  He did offend again with me but it went unreported.

Sometimes I wish he was in jail.  Despite him having almost zero contact with me since we broke up, I'd feel safer without the possibility of him lurking in the shadows waiting for the right time to ruin me all over again.  I'm afraid to do anything that may draw attention to myself, give away my location, give him some reason to come and find me.  I want to accomplish things and achieve goals but deep down I feel like no matter how much I achieve or accomplish, it will never ever change the fact that he beat me.     I will always be one of his victims and there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do change that.  That frustrates me.

There is also the sad knowledge that by my not going after things, being afraid to have children, being afraid to do the things that I want I am still letting him get the better of me.  His being in jail wouldn't change my own regret.  Him being gone won't lessen the anger I hold toward myself.  Technically, he's been gone.  For all I know, I'm nothing more than a blip on his radar that he could care nothing about and I pray to God that's the case.  I can't forgive him until I forgive myself.  Still, I feel ashamed.  I feel like I was weak.  Everyone never thought it would happen to me.  They all thought I was stronger than that; that I could hold my own against anyone.  I disappointed them and myself.

I want to move past this.  I want to start living my life without the constant fear, the persistent reminder that I wasn't strong enough to save myself.  If I can't even protect myself, how can I do anything else less significant? There are so many days that I wish I could just close my eyes and forget that it ever happened.  A solid knock to the head might do the trick but he's the only thing I want to forget and there's a greater risk that I'd forget a lot more than him.  In many ways I'm kind of glad that there isn't a pill that allows you to forget these kinds of things or a procedure like that in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  I don't think I'd be strong enough to not take it.

My strength needs to come from dealing with it.  It will come when I can forgive myself, forgive him, and learn to place my victimization in proper perspective.  I can't forget about it.  I can't go back in time and prevent it.  There's nothing that can happen to him that will solve it.  Even his death doesn't resolve the real issues.  I've watched enough crimes shows to know that.  They all kill thinking that it will resolve whatever anger lies within them but it never actually works.  They just end up in jail with a life sentence having to deal with not only the original issues but what they allowed themselves to do as result.  My anger is at myself more than him.  Yes I want him off the street.  I don't know anyone else to have to suffer at his hand but that's not my call.  All I can do is hope and pray that he's someone found a healthy way to deal with his issues.  If not, all I can do is pray that whomever he hurts next won't be shamed into silence the way I was.

That's where I'm at now.  Hoping and praying.  I suppose I should take that as a positive since I am actually praying again.  That's progress.

Home Early

We left Pittsburgh, NH tonight a day earlier because sadly Johnny's grandfather passed away on Friday and the services are being held tomorrow.  He seemed okay but is anyone really when a family member passes?  Even though we found out on Friday he wanted to stay until today.  In many ways, I think that was a good thing.  Being a grandchild, there's not much you can do except be there for your parents when a grandparent dies.  If your mom or dad have enough support, it can just be painful waiting for the arrangements to be made.   I think he was glad to have things to do and we were much more active than I think any of us anticipated.  

Prior to the vacation, I had expected to be doing a lot of reading and writing.  I didn't.  We found things to do and places to explore.   There wasn't a beach so it wasn't like we could just lay around and go swimming.  It helped that there were things going on in town that we could partake in.  Last night though, I opted not to go out.  Johnny had met a girl he wasn't interested in so I knew he wanted to stay in town but after my very drunk Friday I couldn't do it.  They dropped me off and went out and it was nice having the evening alone in a way.  There was no internet or t.v. so I took the time to write which was really nice.  

I needed this weekend so I'm really grateful we went.  

Rainy Day

It’s the middle of the afternoon and it’s raining.  We had come out to town because it’s apparently bikers’ weekend here and they were going to have some events and a parade of people on their bikes.  We also wanted to go hiking for a bit.  Luckily we made it to a waterfall and did some hiking there before the rain started.  Hopefully, it will just be a passing shower so we’ll be able to hang around for the other parts of the festivities.

Last night we hit up a bar in town and it turned out to be a lot of fun.  I’m not much of a bar person as I've always found them loud, dark, and overcrowded.  This was loud and crowded but there was plenty of light and you could move around.  It was the most eclectic mix of people ranging from young kids in college and people about to retire.  The band definitely showcased this as each of the members seemed to represent a different generation.   Between the bar and drinking even more so back at the cabin I got a bit too drunk for my liking.  Going to bed I felt the room spinning and thought I might be sick and waking up this morning wasn’t the best.  So yeah, I will probably not be doing the same tonight.

Alright, that’s all I’m going to write about today.   

Pittsburg NH!!

It’s our first day here and it’s really pretty.   When we arrived last night it was too dark to really see the area around us but it’s beautiful.   The trailer/cabin is up on the top of a hill overlooking a big, blue lake.  Johnny’s place here is nice.  It is both a trailer and a cabin.  They set the trailer on the land and built a cabin around it giving the place far more space than the traditional trailer.  Johnny was kind enough to give us the room with the full size bed while he took the pull out couch last night.   Luckily the night cooled down quite a bit and the place was actually quite comfortable by the time we went to bed.   Though tired from the drive, we retired a bit later staying up a bit to play some cards.  Once in bed, it took me forever to fall asleep.  Dave and I felt tight on the full bed rather than the queen.  How did we spend more than a year on a twin?

They let me sleep in a bit this morning though so I was able to get the rest that I needed.  After lunch we went for a walk.  There aren’t any walking trails here like I expected but we turned down a side street that said that there would be a one lane bridge 3 miles away.   We figured, “3 miles is manageable.  Let’s try it not fully realizing that the majority of it would be uphill.”  Apparently the road this campground is on is in the midst of a valley.  No matter which way we went, it was an uphill climb.   We got about 2 miles mostly uphill before realizing that we would have to walk down the other side of the hill if we wanted to get to the bridge.  Knowing that would mean climbing up it again on the way back we decided to turn around agreeing to take the car down later.

Man, that was a walk there and back! We stretched our already aching limbs a bit before making ourselves some peanut butter cookie and chocolate ice cream sandwiches.   They were soo incredibly good.  We might have eaten all the calories we had just burned but between the heat and the exhaustion from walking, those ice cream sandwiches were just what we needed.   Afterward, we jumped in the car and drove the twenty or so minutes to the border of Canada determining that we would need to make a trip to Quebec soon with a stop here so it’s not a full eight hours drive in one day.  Along the way we stopped at a couple spots near different lakes and got some really cool photos.   At the moment, I don’t know how to take them from my camera to my computer but Dave’s going to figure it out.  I’ll post them later.

For now though, we are grilling some dinner and Dave and Johnny are practicing their Beirut game for later this evening.   The plan is that after dinner we will take the drive to town, post this, check emails (see if Katie had her baby), and then head back.  It’s so strange being away from the internet and cell phone reception.   I like it a lot; however, I just wish there was a way to breakthrough for emergency situations.   I hate not being able to be notified is something is wrong.  This is good practice for me though.  Rather enjoyable practice.  At least Dave is with me and that helps a great deal.  Hope all is well back home!

On the Road to Nowhere!

Driving here was a full day excursion.  Technically, we still aren’t there yet.  I’m writing this in the backseat of the car and we still have about an hour left to go but Dave suggested that I type it up now so that by the time we get to the closest town, I’ll be able to post it.   It turned out to be a good thing that it was just the three of us (we had invited a few others but they were unable to come) as this little Ford Focus is packed full between the three of us, our things, and the carriage of groceries we just purchased at Shaws.

Our campsite is only four hours away but we left the apartment almost ten hours ago.  We made some super fun stops on the way in Laconia, NH.  The first stop was this great arcade, Fun Spot, where we played old time video games, indoor mini golf, air hockey, and ski ball for a few hours.  It was so much fun!  There was a Dr. Mario old time videogame that I kicked butt on; all those hours of playing made me look kind of awesome.  They didn’t have a DDR machine which sort of disappointed me since they had just about everything else.

Across the street from the arcade there was a fantastic bar and despite it being the middle of the afternoon, we went in for the recommended mixed shots you could take.  Oh my, they were so incredibly good.  It was the very first bar that I’ve been in that actually made me want to become a bartender and open a bar just like it.  Poor Johnny couldn’t drink as much since he was the designated driver but I got a bit tipsy and am pretty sure that the people at the Turkey restaurant found me quite humorous.  At the bar they limit you to five shots and I had four but they were had on an empty stomach.  It makes me want to make the trek up for bike week next year just for the arcade and that amazing little bar. 

After passing out in the car for about a half hour, I awoke to the beautiful landscape of the White Mountains.  We stopped to go grocery shopping and we are almost at the campsite.  I never expected to be getting there so late in the evening though by the time I post this, I’ll be only fifteen minutes or so away.  I’m excited to get there and settle in but for now I’m going to continue watching this sunset while listening to Kokomo as Johnny drives.  Thank goodness I know how to type without looking or else I’d be feeling pretty icky right now.  I’ll check in again tomorrow!

Going away

Okay, so Dave and I will be heading up to New Hampshire for the weekend.  I know my mother will probably saying, "Why are you putting it on the internet?"  Yes, I know that mentioning our leaving could instigate a robbing of our humble apartment but we are leaving it in such disarray that I doubt that anyone who came in who even find things of value.   Hopefully though, people who would rob us don't know where we would live or don't read this so won't know we're going away.

Okay because I haven't heard back from Katie and I know she reads this: I left you a super long and rambling voice mail saying what I've said here so if you already heard it or your not Katie please pass this paragraph. The biggest bummer of this getaway is that I may not be around when little Bean is born but please have someone call me anyway.  Yes, I won't have service while I am there but we are planning to go into town at least once per day so I can check my voice messages and post my nightly post.  And I am desperate to know.  Dave and I am keep joking that as soon as we get there, he will decide he is ready and make his entrance.  There's a part of me that figures that you won't want too many visitors immediately after the baby is born but I will be ready to head over as soon as I get back. If Bean is born before Monday, just have someone call me and let me know that the long awaited time arrived and that everything went okay.  Please, please, please!   Keep me updated.  Love you both and I'm praying for an easy, natural birth where everything goes smoothly and both you and the baby are healthy.

Now that I've let that out.  Seriously, I was stressing so much about not being around for the birth of one of my best friend's baby that Dave actually got discouraged, anxious, and frustrated about going at all that he almost called the whole thing off.  That would have broken his heart and to be honest, I need this time away.  My plan is to read, write, and walk the whole weekend.  I've been so incredibly crazy recently that I need this more than Dave does.  I'm actually really glad that we are going with Johnny.  All of Dave's friends are awesome but Johnny's one of those people that I really am not afraid to be myself around.  I won't feel badly if I wander off, slip under my headphones, and do my own thing.  I'm not afraid of Dave and I getting into a tiff.  Hopefully, I won't have a panicky meltdown but even that I think will be okay.  Being comfortable around Johnny probably has a lot to do with the fact that I basically lived with him for a little over a year.  He's heard Dave and I fight, seen me sick, drunk, isolated.  I didn't have panic attacks back then but so long as Dave is there I know that he'll give us and me the space I need to get my head back together.

So yeah, I am longing forward to it despite the risk that I won't be around if the baby is born or that I will be unreachable.  My mother has the phone number of the place and I will be in town frequently so that will be good.  Even if I have to drive myself into town to keep me sane, that I will do that.  I will see you all in a few days.

5 minutes

Despite the altogether difficult day that I had today, I experienced a moment worth noting this evening.  Normally, I hate basketball not ever understanding the nuance of the game.  However, the NBA finals brings Dave to me in a way that I can't help but appreciate.  He says that he's willing to watch movies with me but deep down I always feel like he's doing that for me.  I believe that he feels that I'm getting unhappy with all him gaming and decides to humor me by watching a movie.  He states that this isn't true but when that happens or when he suggests it I can't help but feel a bit guilty.  That I'm taking him away from the activity he really wants to enjoy because I'm not willing to partake in that activity myself.

Unlike many couples who may battle over the remote, he gives me full control so long as I give him the time and space for him to play his games.  During these basketball games though, he comes back.   He waits until I've finished whatever I was watching and then plops down on the couch next to me.  Taking the remote, he changes the channel to the basketball game (something I would never be interested in watching on my own) and settles in.  Knowing that he is with me for the game alone makes me feel more relaxed.  He's not doing it just for me but for himself as well.  So yes, I've found myself enjoying these basketball games and may even find myself sad once they are over.

Anyway, tonight we were snuggled together under a blanket.  He was watching the game and I was reading my book enjoying the feel of him next to me and listening to his moans and emotional proclamations at the television.  At some point I looked up at him and I thought, "I really like this guy."  It was as if we had only just met or were long time friends and I was just realizing how much I liked him.  The way one might feel when she discovers a crush.  Of course, I expressed that to him and he stated that he liked me too.  I was joyful and happy like I would be as if we were in the beginning stages of a relationship.  Normally, upon that kind of expression one considers the potential the relationship has and that was when I realized that we were already married!  It was truly an awesome experience for me.

I don't know if I've fully explained it or if anyone actually understands.  Obviously, Dave and I have been together for years and been married for almost a year.  It's not like I forgot that or that I stopped loving him only to rediscover it later.  I've loved him every moment we've been married and find myself thanking the heavens, thanking God, for blessing me with such a terrific man.  There was just something about tonight's moment on the couch that made the relationship feel brand new.  Maybe it was because of the overly emotional day or the fact that we are going away together shortly.  Maybe not.  It was special though and I found myself wanting to "capture" it.

Daily entry

I love the taste of milk.  It's become this new habit of drinking a glass while taking a bath and eating a cookie.  Tonight, though I poured myself one more.   At work, I had my annual review with my team lead and manager.  They had nothing but nice things to say and were extremely understanding toward what I'm going through.  I'm very lucky that way.   My manager commented that though she knows that I'm going through some difficulties in my life, it doesn't show at all when I'm on the phone.  Really,  I wished I did enjoy the actual work more because I couldn't ask for a better team to work for and with. I don't feel like I have colleagues but friends.

Also, I'm feeling a lot better tonight than I was last night.  It must have been the exhaustion, period induced anxiety.  Yeah, I'll blame it on hormones and lack of sleep, why not?  It's not like I suffer from anxiety or anything like that.  I do feel better.  I spoke to my mom tonight and something about the conversation just made me feel a lot better.  I'm excited to go away more than I'm anxious now.  It feels good and it will be nice to go away.  With that said, I'm going to join my adorable sleeping husband in bed for the evening.

Anxious

Dave is tired and grouchy.  Even more so that I've dampened his excitement for an upcoming trip with my anxiety.  I wish I didn't worry so much about things completely beyond my control.  I just don't like being incommunicado for days at a time.  What if the worst happens and no one can get a hold of me? Cell phones and the internet have become staples to my daily life.  Even though people do not call me all day everyday, I take comfort in knowing that if something horrific were to happen, I'd be contacted right away and would know as soon as possible.

Some people long to disconnect.  I like it too; but I also enjoy knowing that people I care about can reach me if needed.  Even in Costa Rica, my family had a way to contact me if something dreadful were to transpire and I needed to come home.  I'll only know during the short time that we go into town.  I hate this anxiety.  I hate worrying constantly.  How did people do this before?   Thank goodness, no one really close to me serves in the military.  I don't think I could handle it.   You know what's worse, I just sat here for a few moments contemplating even posting this because I'm so incredibly paranoid.  WTF?

A tasty good time

Dave and I took his mom to H-Mart today.  H-Mart is a grocery store that sells a lot of Korean, Japanese, and Chinese food.  The one that's down the street from us is the only one in New England so people come from all over to go shopping there.  Dave's mom fell in love with it when my brother in law took her for the first time.  Despite living here for a few years now, I'd never been and it turned out to be a lot of fun.  It was cool to listen to her speak Korean to many of the associates as she tried the many samples and to watch her run through the store.  The music made it for me though.  I love J-Pop and Korean Pop (is it K-pop?).  The three of us danced in the aisles much to the humor of our fellow shoppers.  

Once we had collected all of our ingredients, we went back to his mom's house where she expertly showed us how to cut the vegetables (also a giant watermelon) and how to make kimpap.  Kimpap is the basics of sushi with just the rice and the seaweed layer.   We had vegetables rolls adding  cucumbers, carrots, avocado, and pickled radish to the mix.  It was so incredibly good!  It seems relatively straightforward.  Even seasoning the rice and veggies didn't seem intimidating which is huge for someone who quite literally fears the kitchen.  Of course, she made it look incredibly easy.  When Dave and I get around to trying it, it will probably be quite the challenge.  We spent so much time "snacking" while we were making it that by the time it was entirely finished we were too full to sit down and eat it.  

We're not supposed to refrigerate it as it will cause the rice to harden so we've just placed it in a cooler with a single ice pack in the hopes that it will keep it cool enough to keep the veggies ripe but not too cold to harden the rice.  I really hope it works because they were so good and I want so much more.  I just do not have the stomach for it.  We had a great day and I'm really happy that I got to come along. It was a lot of fun and a tasty good time. 

Whatever

What is wrong with me sometimes?  In all honesty, the last thing I want to do is write at the moment.  I just want to numb out and not think and maybe go to sleep.  That' not a normal reaction.  My poor husband,.  I don't know how he deals with me.  I don't want to deal with myself.  I shouldn't feel like this.  Why can't I just be normal?  Why can't I stop whining?  Sigh.  I really don't have the energy to write and this is going to be one of those nights when my writing is just not going to cut it.

Clothing and Weight

Holy Batman Laundry!  We have so much laundry.  Where do all these clothes come from?  I hate all of my clothing and what I wear is in constant rotation.  Dave does the exact same thing.  So where is all this clothing coming from?  Sure it's only two loads but it seems like so much.  Like I said, I hate what I wear 90% of the time and some of my key pieces are from college.   So much of our clothing have holes - you would think we were poor and couldn't afford a new shirt.  That's not it for either of us.  We just hate buying clothing.  Somehow I got it into my that shopping for clothing is a waste of money.  It might have to do with the fact that most of the dresses and outfits I like cost over $100 but still.  Clothing is necessary and I make all the arguments as to why it's important to be styled but I just don't buy into it on a literal level.

Of course, I know that there is the horrible thinking of "I can't buy new clothing until I lose the weight."  One of my model friends on Facebook made a comment about how impossible it is to find a cute little swimsuit.  To quote her directly, "Why are all the swimsuits sold in Boston made for grandmas? The bottoms cover wayy too much."  I wish that was my complaint.  Congratulations that your biggest issue with swimsuit shopping is a result of the bathing suits not being revealing enough.  I don't even want to try one on because I don't want to face myself in the mirror.   Looking at my pictures from high school, I realized just how tiny I used to be (and I used to think I was a bit pudgy).  Yes, I know that longing for your high school weight is silly and unrealistic but how about college? I would love to lose the 30 lbs I've gained since then.

Just watch: in ten years I'll be looking back on the pictures of today and think, "My god, I wish I weighed as much as I did when I got married and I thought I was fat."  Even thinking that might be my reality makes me sad.  No thank you.

Excel

Dave gave me an Excel tutorial tonight.  I'm always coming up with these formulas to help us save or to see how much we can save over a certain period of time.  He always laughs at my trying to complete them by hand and spending hours.  In truth, I find it comforting: the repetition of the same process over and over and over again.  It relaxes me in some strange way.  However, I also know that there are tools out there that will do it for me if I invest a small amount of time.  I'd seen Dave create them for me. Once created, I could plug in different variables to see how they would affect the overall results over a course of a year or multiple years.   I wanted to learn how to do it myself.

Knowing more about Excel is invaluable.  Not only will it help me with my own bizarre instances of calculating random things but it will be really helpful for future job prospects.  I mean, I know the basics of Excel and I can hold my own with simple tasks; however, if I need to do something quickly and efficiently I need for more training.  Really, it's such an amazing tool.  My sister, who is also very knowledgeable with the program, created examples of what she wanted for her wedding website.  I don't know anywhere near that amount.   Luckily, I have a patient husband who is willing to show me because he knows that I will never take it upon myself to research how to do it.  He was great.  Unfortunately, he got stuck working for a while this evening so we had to call the training session short but hopefully we'll continue it tomorrow.

I love learning new things.

Video Games

Despite the Celtics not making it to the NBA Finals, Dave and I are still watching routing for Oklahoma City Thunder.  Basketball was never my favorite sport to watch as it's never really been able to get me excited.  It's too easy to score, the men seem to large for the court, there are far too many penalties, and the players overreact to every slight in the hope that it will a foul.  It's those little things that get under my skin when watching the games.  That said, I am enjoying this as it brings Dave from his computer to me and we can just sit and watch together.  Of course, if I just asked him to come sit with me, he would do it without hesitation but it's always to watch something I'm interested in or something I want him to see.  Rarely is it something that he is interested in viewing.  

I keep thinking that maybe I should find a game that I could play with him.   Some couples actually play the games together.  My brother and sister-in-law play StarCraft together often with Dave and Fiessal.  They play together as team.  Video games today aren't what they were when I was little and my parents wanted to avoid even more arguments between my sister and me or give us another reason to not want to go do some of our other activities.  By the time high school rolled around and video games with a strong story were becoming more prevalent, I was no longer interested.  Those games seemed so much more difficult than the original Nintendo games and I didn't have the patience to learn the controls.  There was still the chance that my parents wouldn't allow it anyway. 

That reluctance carries over to today.  It doesn't help that we have very different interested regarding video games.  He's into computer games that allow him to socialize with the friends we can hardly ever see due to being adults.  I'm more into the "active" games that the Wii offers or games like Rock Band.  He's not that interested in those.  I have tried to play so of his but I have little desire to play as often as he and his friends so I quickly get left in the dust or feel like I'm holding them back from playing the type of game they want.  Maybe one of these days, I'll come across something that will excite me as much as him.  

Happy Birthday Katie!

Happy Birthday Katie!!  It does not appear that she will be having the baby today unless she is in labor right at this moment and I just haven't found out yet but there is only a half hour left so I think she's in the clear.  As much as I want this little baby to make his appearance, I didn't want mommy and baby to share birthdays.  I can't believe her due date is within the week!  

Talking to her today, she sounds amazing.  She sounds so calm and happy.  Of course, I have no idea how one is supposed to feel right before give birth and I can only imagine how I would feel: excited, nervous, terrified.  She is feeling all those emotions but she is also feeling ready.  Her expectations are hopeful but also very reasonable.  She knows intellectually what she is in for, if not physically but there really isn't away to physically prepare for labor.  

She just inspires me.  She handles these big life experiences with such grace.   She is meticulous in her preparations and thoroughly thinks though and analyzing each possible potential choice before making a decision.  Some people might think she over-analyzes and maybe it is a bit excessive for the average person but I'm so similar that it makes complete sense as to why it works for her.   More than anything I'm just so happy for her (and Jared).  Having a family is something that she's wanted for a long time and she is about to have just that with a wonderful husband.  

Her little one is going to be entering such a loving home with an attentive and gentle mother who will always be thinking about his needs and how best to fulfill them.  I can't wait to continue our friendship during this next stage of our life and help her in any way I can. 

Avengers, again?

I found myself inspired to get something accomplished this Sunday at work and stayed almost two hours later than I needed.   Again, after working for ten hours one would think I'd want to go home and nap like I sometimes do but I felt like seeing my family so Dave and I met up with my parents and my sister for the evening.   We even did something unusual for us and went to see a movie.  Dave, Laura, Ben, and I wanted to bring my dad to see the Avengers so badly that we didn't even mind the fact that it was the third time we'd be watching it.  I really thought that my dad would enjoy it (even though he hates going to see movies in the theater) and after my mom saw it and really liked, I was even more encouraged.

Sadly though, my father did not agree with the rest of us as he did not like it at all.  I couldn't help but feel badly that we all but dragged him to go see it thinking he'd find it as entertaining.   It's like dragging someone who hates eating in public to a favorite restaurant that you think would be worth it only to find out that they disliked the meal.  I think he wanted to like it especially after all the antics to pulled to get him there and he apologized for not.  We hyped it up so much and were so excited that he actually felt like he had to apologize to us.  It's not really fair on our part.  Really, I was just grateful that he came out with us at all. Bringing him to the movie theater has been an uphill battle for years so it was cool that he humored us.  It was nice just to do something outside of eating and hanging out together.

It reminded me of something important though.  You can't make anyone like something and you can't assume you will know what someone else will enjoy.  I really thought this movie would be totally up his ally but it's been a long time since we've sat together and watched movies.   His opinions may have changed.  Or maybe it's my own perspective on what I think he'd like that's been altered with the years.  It's what Dave cautions me about regularly.  Just because you like it and you hype it up doesn't mean that anyone else will and you shouldn't force it if they aren't particularly interested.  Not to mention that once you are there, you are almost too aware of the other person's reactions looking for the reasons they might not like it.  My dad, I'm sure could sense the five of us watching out of the corners of our eyes for his reactions or lack of them.  Hard to watch a movie and enjoy it when you are feeling watched yourself.

In the end, it was unfair for us to drag him there.  It wasn't that he doesn't want to see any movie in the theater; he just didn't want to see that one.  Like I said, I'm glad he came and we all are now officially in his debt.  He is now free to make us sit through some movie that we have no interest in because he wants us to watch it with him.  The next time that I speak to him, I will be sure to tell him of this.  Dad, if you are reading this before I get the chance to talk to you: think of all those movies that we thought would be stupid but you always thought we would like, we owe you.  

NBA finals

Okay, seriously, I hate my nose sometimes.  I finally sat down to work on the goals that I've been avoiding and my nose suddenly won't stop running.  For the past ten minutes I've had a sneezing fit and I've made every attempt I know to slow it even trying to let it run it's course.  I get my own mind working against me to assist in procrastination but my body doing it too.  Can sneezing be psychosomatic?  That would be cruel brain.  Cruel and unfair but possible I suppose.

Though if it's not psychosomatic, I definitely exposed myself to triggers by going for a walk around the pond for about an hour today.  So that could be part of it.  I'm taking all my medicine though and I refuse to stay inside all day when it's so nice out.  I guess I must accept these ramifications.  The walk was nice.  Just spending the day with my husband is something I thoroughly enjoyed.  We actually ran into my former skating coach on the walk which was really cool.  She seemed well and she was out with her daughter who is so grownup now.

Overall, a good day.  I did some work on the goals if not as much as I wanted to so I'll be satisfied with that.

Weekly Goals

Bleck! Within the last five minutes my allergies hit me hard.  My eyes are watering, my nose is both stuffy and running at the same time, my throat and ears are itchy.  What happened?   I was just sitting here doing what I always do.  It wasn't like I just stuffed my head into a bag of dust but whatever.  I took some medicine and hope that it will pass as quickly as it started.  Stupid allergies.

So I am making decent progress on the goals that I wanted to complete this week.  By that I mean, I'm completing the goals that I didn't consider more of a chore.  One of them was to complete some of the questions in the Depression workbooks that I have for my next therapy sessions but every time I pick it up I just feel so overwhelmed.  I end up just staring at it blankly before putting it back down.  There's also some writing that I want to do but that feels difficult too so I've been avoiding that.  I need to get on it.  I want to complete my list before next Wednesday.  I have some time but I can't keep wasting it like I'm doing now.

Yeah, I've written

I almost fell asleep in the bath tonight.  As much as the depression is causing the oversleeping, I think part is now habit.  My body is used to getting around 12 hours of sleep (yes, it's an absurd number of hours) so even when I've gotten plenty of sleep, my body doesn't feel like it.  Regardless, I figure it's not a bad idea for me to get this post written now so I can go to bed early if I choose.  I figure that it's better than me going to take a "nap" now only to wake up in 2 hours to write the post.  I have such horrible sleeping habits.

My work called asking if I could come in today and I decided that it was a good opportunity since I missed Monday due to FMLA.  I didn't do a full shift but I tried to make up some of the hours.  Hopefully, it will show that I'm not missing work on purpose or because I can.   Somehow though, walking into work onto what should be a day off made the day seem longer but I just have one more shift before another day off.  Okay, that's enough for now.

Anniversary

 I'm exhausted and I'm not even sure why.  It's not like I woke up super early but here I am still very tired. Today was Katie and Jared's three year anniversary.  I can't believe it's been three years already.   It doesn't feel like that long ago.  Three years from now, they will have a three year old toddler running about.  I kind of can't get over it.  It seems like a lifetime ago that we were roommates and she was insisting that I would be married first.   Really, I'm so glad that she got married first.  Her relationship with Jared was healthy, happy, and something that inspired me.  I wanted find someone who I could share my lifetime with the way they found each other.  

On her wedding day she was not the crazy bride I anticipated.  Her extremely detailed nature made me concerned that the craziness of the day of would affect her but it didn't at all.  If anything I was more nervous than she was and had a selfish moment myself.  For her, the actual wedding day had already been planned so meticulously that the only thing she could do on the day of was sit back, let it happen, and enjoy the ride.  It was something I admired and hoped for on my wedding day but I didn't fully understand it until my day came.  The details, the speeches, the little things no longer matter.  All that matters is you are marrying the man you love surrounded by your closest friends and family.

Now with their baby close to making his grand entrance, I couldn't be more excite for them.  Like their wedding, I find myself grateful to them for pioneering this stage of life too.  I'm glad it's them having a child first; I can't think of too many other couples who would make such loving and attentive parents.  Congratulations to them both for making it three years and to their soon to be new addition to their family.

Trying again

Sometimes I wonder if I'm delusional.  Perhaps it's naive.  Or maybe it's just sheer hopefulness that I can make myself better by setting goals for myself.  Thinking back to Alli's "to-do" lists from college that she would create listing both the assignments she needed to complete and the things she wanted to do.  She would attached them to the dresser that was located in front of her bed and cross them off as she completed each task.  She would create a new one every week or so.  Since she was my roommate, I watched her do this for a couple of weeks before deciding to copy her.   Truth is, it worked.  Even after moving into a single for the next couple of years I continued it.  It proved to be a huge help during my student teaching.  Needless to say, I've decided to bring it back.

Using the white board that doubles as my calendar, I created a list of things I both want to do and need to within the next week.  Of course, my week will have to go from Wednesday to Wednesday but since that's my weekend normally, that will work.  There's a part of me that just feels silly though.  I mean, how many times have I done something like this before.  Do I really think I'm going to follow through?  I hope so but I can't help not feeling confident in myself.  In addition, I used the calendar to list my work schedule for the next month with a black dry erase marker.  Using a red marker, I plan to notate the times I need to use my FMLA and I use an orange one to cross out the days that have past.   I just hope I can stick to it.  I've stuck to writing everyday; I can't even explain how I am clinging to that hope.  

Also, I want to give a quick shout out to Katie who sent me a text earlier today.   I was at work so I couldn't respond the way I wanted to but it made my day.  Thank you for thinking of me and know that you are in my thoughts as well.  All the time, actually.  Thank you again.

So you had a bad day...

Today was not a good day for me.  I don't want to talk about it and I certainly don't want to write about it.  Honestly, if I hadn't missed a day of writing in the last year and a half I would never have sat down to write this.  Now, I only write due to the momentum from the past.  I mean, it's cool and all to have the momentum behind me but I'm getting bored with the "I don't want to write" posts and I'm the one writing them.  I also broke down today and enjoyed the comfort food of Five Guys which I now realize was silly. Mainly because I am in such a funk, I hardly enjoyed it.  I ate because I knew I had to and figured that my not having consumed anything since 8pm last night was giving me a headache.  So instead of consciously choosing to eat there after weeks and enjoying every bite, I just sat there numb and shoved the food in my month.   The food did fix my headache but it did little to elevate my mood and I just ended up back in bed trying to sleep it away much to the frustration of my husband.

Just doing the daily writing thing

I can't believe it's already midnight.  We went out to eat late and I took a nap about an hour after I got home from work so I'm all messed up.  Also, I really do not want to write.  I'm more in a reading mood.  I want to read a story rather than tell one.  I'm in the middle of a series and I get really into them.  They are easier reads, interesting, and I'm really enjoying them.  There's also like 10 or 12 books in the series and I'm just started book 5.  I've already read the first five books twice but I'm really excited to get to the end because the last time I was reading the series the last three books weren't written yet and I never got around to them.  I want to know how it ends especially after reading the first 5 twice (this is my third reading).  So yeah, I'm more in the mood to read.

I don't know.  Maybe I'm just don't feel like gathering the thoughts and trying to organize them and present them the way I want.  I'd rather talk.  Dave and I had a great three hour conversation and I had no problem there.  Sometimes I like the way a conversation just naturally travels from one subject to the next so that what you end up talking about has very little to do with what initiated the discussion.  It's just not something that I want to happen when I write.  Sure, I do it more often than I'd prefer to but I would rather compose something more articulate and focused.  It's just not happening right now.  So, I'll let you continue to on with your day.

Quick Post

If working until 11pm on a Saturday night (and missing out of a coworker get-together) wasn't sad enough, needing to wake up for a 7am shift tomorrow definitely cinches it.  Ah well, I am coming off having a few days off in a row so it's not that bad.  Plus, the coworker I'm covering for needed the day off and I'm glad I could help.  Between getting married, working the two jobs, and then dealing with the emotional struggles I haven't been able to help out much at work so it actually feels good that I can.

Anyway, June is here.  I've been anticipating this month for a while.  Three babies should be born this month and I've been super excited about that forever.  That is June signals summer for me even if technically doesn't start until the end of the month.  This past month or so was really challenging for me and I'm hoping that this month ushers better feelings.  Or at least make me strong enough to deal with them in a more productive way.

Huh, I guess that's really all I had to say tonight.  Ah well, I should be heading to bed anyway.

Assumptions

We had tickets to go see John Williams and the Boston Pops tonight at the Boston Symphony Orchestra.  The concert was called Film Night.  When we saw it advertised a few months ago during the Final Fantasy concert I practically jumped out of my skin.  The John Williams who provided the emotional soundtrack to some of the most popular movies was going to be playing some of those scores live in my home city.  As soon as we got home we bought the tickets and I began looking forward to it.  We loved the Final Fantasy concert and were super excited to see this one.

To hear the music from Harry Potter, Jurassic Park, Superman, ET, Jaws, Star Wars, not to mention the countless others that he composed the music for seemed too good to be true.  And sadly it was.  Now, I know all about what can happen when you make assumptions.  Even logical assumptions like thinking that a John William's concert entitled "Film Night" would showcase music from the more than 100 films he worked on obviously would make me seem like a silly fool.  It was John Williams but the concert was more of a tribute to the United States with songs from the Olympics, Hollywood Westerns, and a read aloud of William Faulkner's The Reivers.

This would have been totally fine if I hadn't been looking forward to live music from some of those great movie soundtracks.  It was like waking up on Christmas morning excited for toys and receiving only socks.  I don't remember being so excited for something and so disappointment since my parents drove me more than an hour away to some collector's fair to buy beanie babies on my birthday when I younger.  I just couldn't enjoy it the way I wanted to though there were some cool parts.  Still, I felt misled and I was irritated.  Not to mention that the seating was awful as well.

Luckily I was with Dave and we were determined to not let it get us down and we had a great night regardless.

"Listen to Music"

Some habits never get old.  For the past three hours, I've paced back and forth through my living room and kitchen listening to my iPod under headphones.  My parents will probably laugh when they read this remembering how I would do the exact same thing in my room for hours.   At some point in high school they bought me a c.d. player and we had these really nice headphones with a long cord that allowed me to pace the length of my room.  Almost every night I would close the door to my bedroom, put on my headphones, and turn my music onto the highest possible volume.  It's a wonder that my hearing is still okay.  Underneath those headphones, I escaped into a totally different world: my world where I could be anything I wanted and whomever I wanted.  

During college, it became a lot harder as pacing back and forth for hours singing, dancing, or talking silently to myself would have made any roommate think I was a tad bit loony.  Sure, I am but it wasn't something I was willing to share.  It was my music, my world, my time.  Instead, I took to the road.  My home was an hour's drive from my school and I returned home regularly enough that those drives became my escape.  Instead of headphones, I would just blare the music through my speakers drowning out the world around me and though I had to focus on the road, I found the movement, the changing of scenery very therapeutic.  During difficult times or semesters, I would sometimes drive beyond my house to the beach almost a full additional hour away just to prolong the escape.  

When Dave and I first moved in together, I wondered what I was going to do.  I mean, what the heck would he think?  Would he be curious?  Could I trust him to just give me the space and time without asking any questions?  This part of me was extremely, extremely personal and I sort of felt embarrassed by it.  The only people who knew about it or were around when I did were my parents and sister but I grew up with them.  These were the same people who witnessed far worse with the traditional growing pains and rebellions.  They didn't turn their backs on me during those times so I knew they could handle the hours I spent hidden in my room with the music so loud that it could be heard throughout the house despite it being played through headphones.  Never once did they lecture me about it.  They were always very understanding that need for privacy and alone time.  

Dave, however, was just my boyfriend.  He could turn his back on me.  Maybe he wouldn't understand.  Honestly, I don't even remember when I first talked to him about it or how it came up.  I know that I used to do after he went to bed or when he wasn't home but one day I just told/asked him.  When I mentioned that I wanted to go "listen to music" and I walked into the bedroom shutting the door, he never even questioned it.  After a while, if he needed to ask me something or he was ready for bed he would open the door just slightly and wave his hand or wait until I noticed.  He never once asked any questions and just understood immediately.  I didn't even have to explain.  It was one of those moments that I knew that he was not someone I wanted just as a boyfriend.  I wanted him to be family.  

I have tears falling down my cheeks right now and I don't have the slightest clue why.  I guess it feels good to be given this sort of understanding from my parents, sister, and husband.  Maybe, a friend or a roommate would have accepted me, as well but I never shared a space big enough.  It's love, I think.   Love and acceptance and perhaps that's why I'm crying.  I'm so grateful.  Not everyone is so lucky.  There are some people who don't get any space or privacy so I can't help but be entirely grateful for mine.  It's huge to me.  I don't know if this will me sense to anyone else but that's okay.  We all have our quirks that need to be understood.  I'm just so lucky that my new husband understands this particular one.