Beginning to move on

My fears from yesterday were alleviated early this afternoon, thank goodness.  What I did yesterday was both reckless and stupid but there turned out to be some positive aspects of it.  It made me realize that I've become obsessed and entirely consumed by fear, anger, sadness, and frustration.  It's blinding me to everything that I have in my life.   When it turned out that everything was okay, not only did I breathe a sigh of relief but I also thought, "alright, enough is enough already."  I need to begin to let go.  I can't keep clinging to the past hoping beyond all hope that I can go back and do it all over again.  I want to but I just need to accept what's happened, make my peace, and move on.

Sure I can say that I've been trying to do that for the past two years but that's not entirely true.  What I've really been doing the past two years was try to come to terms with what happened.  After years and year of denial, shame, and guilt I suddenly needed to reconcile that I was not quite as strong as I or anyone else though I was.   In my attempts I became obsessed with everything related to it.  The pain, the fear, the panic, the doubt, and hatred, all of it.  It just enveloped me the way smoke takes hold of a home long before the flames can bring it down.   It was be a lie to say that I have come to terms with all but the obsession with it needs to stop.

Over the past few weeks, I am beginning to find my faith again.  I can't even begin to explain just how desperate I am for my faith to be what it was; however, deep down I know that my faith will never quite be the same.  In a similar way that I will never be the same.  Despite that though, it feels good to begin establishing my beliefs again.  Of course, there is a part of me that worries because Dave has no desire for faith and doesn't believe at all.  I fear that it will create a divide between the two of us.  I can't not believe for him the same way that he can't believe for me.  We'll have to figure it out as we go.  In the meantime, I am very happy about the peace it is giving me.