Beginning to say goodbye

Hmm... I wondered today what I would write about when I stopped working.  I mean, my job or my dislike of my job has given me endless fodder.  Until then I'll going to relish talking about it.  Now that I wrote that sentence I've realized just how tired I am of writing about, thinking about, and working at this job.  Most of my coworkers thought today was my last day, even my boss.  Had I known that today definitely would have been my last day but alas I still have Friday.  Seven more hours to go.  Something tells me it's going to be a dreadfully long seven hours.

I said goodbye to a couple of coworkers who I won't see on Friday and I can only describe it as awkward.  It's my belief that situations are only awkward if you allow it and I think the fact that I'm just leaving with no concrete next step was what made it feel that way.  I mean, I can't really say what I'm really thinking which is, "yeah I'm so getting out of here."  That and I'm under any illusions.  This isn't high school or college.  I know that once I say goodbye and leave on Friday the only contact I'll have with the majority of my colleague is through Facebook.  There's something about that finality that makes me feel uncomfortable.  Possibly because I've come to care about them and saying goodbye is always difficult.

Okay, I'm done for tonight.

Counting down

One more day of work done.  Two more days to go.  Today wasn't too bad actually as we spent the majority of the evening decorating our section of the office as the dark forest from the Wizard of Oz.  For Halloween, each department of the company took a part of the Wizard of Oz.  Client Services is Emerald City, Projects is the poppy fields, day shift Card is munchkinland.  We got stuck with the dark forest and we were so bummed.  I'll be honest, by this point I had checked out and could really have cared less.  Luckily my team is awesome and they thought of some of the most creative things.  We will most definitely have the best decorated part of the office.  So yeah, today went by quickly.  Tomorrow will be entertaining as it will be fully decorated and there will be food.  It will just be Friday.  Friday will be probably the longest ever but then I'll be free. Just got to get to the end of the week.

Fears

Thank you Hurricane Sandy for allowing me to take the day off of work.  Only three more work days to go. As my last day approaches, I'm excited but also really nervous.  I'm actually quite anxious.  I feel like I'm in a holding period.  I have things I want to do and begin but still need to wait four days to begin them.  This is giving me a whole lot of time to think about quitting, what I'm going to do while unemployed, and what is going to happen when I decide to go back to work.  Not to mention that I'm nervous about not being able to fulfill my last two weeks due to panic attacks or whatnot and not receiving the "yes, we'd hire her back" comment to potential future employers.  

There are so many "what if" worries jumping around in my brain and I can't help but be downright scared.  I know I've made the right decision by quitting.  I know that taking the time for myself to maybe figure out what I want to do before jumping into another dead end job is the right decision. It sort of feels the way going to college did back when I was in high school.  I knew that it was the right thing for me to do but I was downright terrified.  The unknown can be terrifying and yes, I'm feeling it.  So yeah, four more days.  I can do this and then I'll figure something out.  I just to remember college.  It didn't all make sense right away but it was definitely one of the best parts of my life. 

Tired

Even though I only had to be at work by 8AM today, I am still feeling very exhausted.  Dabey is typing up this post for me while I dictate what to write.  I am coop'd up in the bed and I have been sleeping since 7PM and it is now 3AM.  Dave decided I probably should wake up enough to take my medicine.  I guess he has been periodically trying to rouse me awake.  I just had a nightmare and sledgehammers are scary.  I called out for Dave and that was the opening he needed to wake me up enough to take my medicine and write this post.  I think I am going to go back to bed.  I'm glad you can't feel pain in dreams.

Milestone Purchases

Watching HGTV has one major downside: it makes me want to go house hunting.  Buying a home is not something we are ready for financially or emotionally.  This particular episode is in the Boston area so it makes it so much more entertaining to go on real estate websites.  Our biggest issue with home buying aside from the obvious financial reasons is that we really have no idea where we would like to live long term.  Let's face it, a home is a long term commitment and possibly a permanent one.  That's huge so the city or town that we choose is a big deal and I can't decide if I want stay in this area or move to the city.  I really would like to try the city at least once.  So yeah, renting is the way to go for us at least for now.  Dave likes HGTV though so if I want him to watch tv with me, then this is our channel.

My sister, my mom, and I went wedding dress shopping during the day today and my sister found some really beautiful dresses.  She's insecure about her weight and I think had a hard time seeing past that but she looked great in almost all the dresses she tried on.  We did find a favorite but the dress from her "look book" wasn't at either shop so I think we'll be calling some other places for that specific dress so that she can try it before making her decision.  It's exciting to be shopping for her.  Her body type fits the mermaid style perfectly (it's something that I wished worked for me but totally doesn't).  When thinking about her dress she saw herself in lots of lace; however, after trying them on the favorite was a gorgeously beaded satin dress.  This is somewhat funny because I went in looking for the exact type of dress she found as her favorite thus far and the dress that I ended up choosing was what she was looking for.

I don't know which one she's choose just yet but whichever one she does, I know it will accentuate her beauty and Ben will love it.

Soon

I woke up this morning feeling like someone poured concrete into my sinus while I slept.  My head was pounding and there was absolutely nothing I could about it.  I tried medication, extra sleep, caffeine (I've been drinking a lot recently and wanted to make sure it wasn't withdrawal), more sleep.  I haven't had a headache quite like that in a really long time.  It was so painful.  Despite my best attempts I did not make it into work which I was bummed about.  I mean I have two weeks and I can't even make it in then? I didn't actually get out of bed until Dave came home around 5:30.  He made me a peanut butter sandwich and rubbed my shoulders which were super tight.  Probably because I was sleeping in pain.  He's so good to me.

Once I was out of bed though I began to feel really anxious.  I couldn't quite figure out why.  It might have just been that I had to call in sick again.  It was actually really annoying.  I wanted to go in which is odd but I did.  I feel like it's the least I can do now that I'm leaving.  By 7pm, the pain had subsided.  Why it couldn't have taken care of itself prior to 2pm is beyond me.  Soon though, I'll be able to just take care of myself without worrying about work and things like that.  That will feel good.  No more guilt, no more pressure.  No more feeling inadequate.  Just handling each day as it approaches.  Soon.

Quick post

It's going to be a short post tonight mainly because I'm just not in the mood to write.  Really I should be going to bed but I know that if I do, I'm not going to fall asleep right away.  A bath may be in order because I am tired and that may be just what I need to get to sleep.  The day was productive and I was able to get some things done.  I went to Barnes and Noble and did some research on the 17 Day Diet.  Any by research, I mean, I read parts of the book.  My sister and Ben are doing it and they've already lost a good deal of weight despite it only being just over a week.  I can already see the results.

Dave went to the doctor's today where he got a lecture for the slow increase of weight he's putting on.  Really, he might as well be talking to both of us as we are both living a very unhealthy lifestyle.  Once I finish working, I think we'll start.  It's only a little more than a week and I would to be able to do it together.  It's so much easier when we can eat breakfast and dinner together.  Lunches can be prepared the day before.  Working the opposite shifts made that pre-planning more difficult.  Not impossible.  If we really set our minds to it  we would have made it work but we're just lazy.

Okay, that's enough for tonight.

Videography

Tonight my mom, my sister, Ben, and I all went to a wedding expo at my sister's venue. We had a really good time though I think my sister was disappointed that she didn't win anything in the end.  It was strange.  I feel like it's been forever since I've done that and yet, I also feel like it was just yesterday.  Going through and looking at the vendors as each one tries to get your business.  It made me want to plan another party.  Maybe when we buy our first home.   Maybe some other major party that could arise.  I don't know.  It is nice though to not have to be there as a helper and not as the person making the decisions.  

As I was walking through, I saw the one thing I really regretted.  After all was said and done, I wish we had spent the extra money on a videographer.  At the time, it seemed unnecessary.  "How many times are we going to watch our wedding video?" I asked myself.  It wasn't worth another $1500.  Looking back though, I really wish I had something especially for our ceremony.  We put such thought into the ceremony and it was so emotional and intimate despite the many people watching.  I wish we had captured that on film.  On our anniversary we went through our wedding photographs and it was wonderful but how cool would it have been to watch snippets from the wedding as well.  I think about my parents' wedding.  How I would have loved to watch their ceremony and my mom's students singing and signing (she taught them sign language for the particular song) one of the songs.  To actually listen to the male quartet that she was so worried about because realized the day off that she'd never heard them sing only to be overwhelmed by how good they were  I would have loved to see my parents expressing their love and making their vows.  My sister and I were never able to and if Dave and I were to have children, they won't get to see that either.

That being said, we do have some video taken by a friend but it was so far away and we are kind of in shadow due to having the ceremony inside.  Still, it's better than nothing.  We might be able to enhance it a bit so that we can really hear what is being said.  As part of the videographer's add, it stated that 70% of newly married couples regret not having splurged.  I realized today that I am definitely part of that 70%.  However, I have to say: if that's really my major regret, my wedding was pretty darn fantastic.

Relationships

Dave and I have that relationship where you are both doing our own when one of us comes up to the other and is like, "I don't want to disturb you but I just need five minutes to ask you about this."  Then that five minutes suddenly becomes two hours and it's not a bad two hours.  It's not a long winded disagreement but rather a long conversation that rambles from topic to topic until suddenly it's two hours later and we're both like, "what? It's 1:30? How did that happen?"  It's what I've always wanted in a relationship.   I like that we can converse on an intellectual level.

Some time ago, I determined that there are three major components to a relationship.  There are probably a ton of social scientific studies that either reinforce my thoughts or completely contradict them so I really have no actual claim except from my own experience and from the experiences of those around me.  Anyway, there are a three major components: emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and sexual intimacy.  It also appears (again, based solely on my experiences) that you need at you can have two strong and one weak to feel solid within your relationship.  If you only have one form of intimacy, the relationship can suffer to the point where it can actually just fall apart.

Of course. I think that over time the strength of each can wax and wane.  When you first start dating, it might be all about the sex and the emotion.  Later on, you might find that the sexual desire lessens and it's the emotional and intellectual intimacy that propels that sense of connection.  At another point it could be all intellectual and sexual with the emotional being weakest.  What I've learned through my three serious relationships (yes, only three--not exactly a great case study) is that at some point you need them all.  For example, Brian and I never really connected intellectually.  Ever.  I would ponder philosophy or religion or some other topic and ask for his opinion which would usually be, "you think too much."

After a while, I just stopped wanting to discuss things at all.  I'd be in the car driving back to college and think, "oh, I want to talk to Brian about this" only to get there, see him, and decide against it.  For approximately two and a half years our relationship worked just fine without it.  We did things together, we laughed, and we had fun.  However, after during that awful student teaching and just after the other parts of the relationship began to slip.  Maybe I wasn't feeling sexual or I was too over emotional.  We never had the intellectual and all of a sudden the other key pieces of the relationship began to fall apart.

It's so incredibly different with Dave though.  We have all three.  At times, one or more may be the more dominant.  I certainly wasn't feeling all that sexual when I was in the midst of my PTSD.  He was patient and we strengthen the intellectual and emotional sides.  Now I am beginning to feel more comfortable and our sex life is improving too.  Some people might argue that having a sex life isn't really as necessary as people think but I have to disagree.  Sex brings it all together.  I have intellectual/emotional relationships with many people but I don't want to sleep with them.  

Of course, as you get older and kids become the priority and things stop working the way they used to when you were in your twenties you sex life may not be the relationship's main focus.  If anything I think that's common.  Some couples can get that back and others can't.  For those who can't though, the emotional and intellectual still exists.  That and one other major component is added: you have a history together.  You've grown up together perhaps through high school, college, beginnings of careers, children, end of careers, grown children, and so much more.   Maybe a strong history.  That shared connection that can only be a result of spending 30 years or more years together every day or almost every day.  Maybe that history, emotional, and intellectual intimacy are worth more than a substandard sex life.

Dave and I are newly married. Like most newly married couples before children arrive we are embracing all that being young and in love entails.  We both talk about how we're terrified that one day it's going to change.  That one day, we're not going to feel a certain way anymore but we can't worry about that.  Maybe we won't feel that way, grow in different directions for a bit, and then reconnect later.  I don't know.  All I know is that I feel like I made a fabulous choice in a husband and sometimes I do think too much.  Sometimes I try to analyze why this relationship works so much better than the last ones which is really what this whole post is about.  My thoughts as I'm thinking them.  These are the kinds of posts I want to go back and edit.  Give it a thesis and argue it like I used to in college. In the end though, I know I'll look back and enjoy reading my thoughts as they developed before they were steadfast opinions.  I can only hope that those who read this are okay with that too.

Glad it's me this time

If the rest of my work days go as quickly as today went, I'll be a very happy person.  Yesterday I expressed to Dave that I was second guessing my decision to quit my job.  However, when I got in today I was reminded again that it is time for me to stop working here.  When I got in, I saw two emails indicating that two coworkers were fired.  One was new and I didn't know much about her but the other was good at what she did.  She was one of the most accommodating schedule-wise as she worked 11pm-7am and would work 5 nights a week, come in early, stay late and do whatever was needed.  They just hired one other person for that shift and no sooner than she was able to work the 3rd shift, they fired that coworker.

In addition, there was another email indicating the coverage that was needed for multiple shifts with the lovely threat that if no one volunteered that people would be assigned.  She mentioned that I was leaving and I got a lot of positive and understanding feedback along with a couple of "I'm following you out" comments.  Of course, they are only half-joking.  Not everyone is as lucky as I am to have the financial freedom to do this.  I'm glad that it's me leaving this time though and not worrying about being assigned additional shifts especially some of those third shifts.  If it wasn't me leaving and it was one of my coworkers, that expectation would be placed on me too.

Finally, during one of the busier parts of the day almost all of our systems went down.  All but one.  The one that didn't is a more difficult system to use as it is entirely DOS based.  We aren't really trained in that system so all of us are shaky at it at best.  Add that the majority of those answering the calls are new hires there was a lot of confusion.  Of course as timing would have it, this occurred during a meeting with my managers, the team leads, and the senior representatives.  Basically everyone with knowledge of these systems and ability to assist us were in this meeting.  So I called my boss and explained the situation.  You would think that with our systems down, new hires struggling, and calls in queue that the meeting might have been postponed.  Instead, it was up to me and a couple of other more experienced workers to assist the new hires with systems that we aren't all that familiar with.  I really wanted to call back and say that this wasn't part of my job description but I didn't.

As another one of my coworkers said to me upon finding out that I was leaving, "they just don't get it."  And they don't.  I mentioned before my job is not answer the phone, read the script pertaining to the question, and hang out.  It requires actual thinking and it far more involved.  It's intimidating and at times overwhelming.   Add the rest of typical "call center" difficulties and we don't need lingering threats about working extra shifts or no support when our systems go down.  It causes people to leave.  The best is that now I'm the one leaving and not left to pick up the pieces of others leaving

Laundry

Work seemed to take forever today.  One of my coworkers had the day off which made it so that I was on the phone literally all day with the major issue being that my Bermuda people had forgotten to call and tell us that they are traveling.  I really wish I understood what these people did for a living.  When I came home, I talked to Dave for a bit, took a bath, and took a nap.  A nap that I couldn't wake up from.  Now that I have my nose hates me and I feel miserable. 

As I was falling asleep, I asked Dave if he could put the laundry in the washer/dryer and I would fold.  Dave hates folding laundry and it always takes me forever to get around to doing the whole washing/drying thing.  I knew we had a lot of laundry.  A whole lot of laundry and he did it all.  I didn't actually expect him to do it all.  Now I have so much laundry to fold!  I can't complain as I sort of walked into this deal myself.  Stupid nose making me feel crappy when I have a ton of laundry to fold. Not cool.   

So one Sunday is done, one more Sunday to go.  That's going to be the theme for this week.  One done, one to go.  

Nanowrimo

I worked for a couple of hours this morning before going to a NANOWRIMO prep gathering in Newburyport.  When I initially created an account for Nano, I joined the Boston region before changing it to the North Shore region.  Already, I'm glad that I did.  I met some fellow writers and discuss my potential story.  Our Municipal Liaison, Sara, gave us some worksheets to help us get started in planning process.  There were also many writing books on characters and plot and scene setting introduced as potential references.

On the one hand, it was inspiring.  On the other, I am beginning to wonder what I've gotten myself into.  As I've begun to complete the worksheets I've realized just how many gaping holes and research I need to complete.  They said not to focus on those pieces of research that will crop up recommending to just make a note.  Already though I'm beginning to see that will be a large challenge for me.  What do you mean, I can't spend hours research the Massachusetts court system so I can portray my opening scene accurately?  Sure, it's only a small part of the actual story but I need the details.  

Not to mention that when I reread my initial plot description, I was horrified.  I feel like my idea has so much potential and I am so unqualified to write it.  Then I think back to all those books on writing fiction and character development and I begin to feel so overwhelmed.  I have no idea what I am doing.  I don't know how to write fiction.  I wrote research papers and analytic essays, not novellas.  I took one course in creative writing and showed no natural talent in the field.  Also, I already know I'm committing fiction crime number one by trying to work through my issues with fiction.

I'm beginning to consider forgoing the idea and just trying to focus on my blog or to give it a go anyway.  Have be a lesson in overcoming perfectionism.  I need to decide soon though.  I only have a couple of weeks.

More thoughts

Today was my first day of my last days of work.  Now that I've given my two week notice, I really want these two weeks to be up.   Part of me just wants to just begin this new phase.  This is where patience is such a virtue that I need.  One of my very first projects for being out of work is going to be NANOWRIMO.   I've never actually participated in it and I can't think of a better time to sit down and get writing.  Of course, it will be much more than just a fun project.  My hope is to get into some sort of established writing routine.  If I want to maybe try freelance writing or really get my other blog up and running I need to actually begin writing.

These posts are great but they take me maybe a half hour and have very little thought put into them.  Really, I write my thoughts as I think them when I write on here.  That's not writing.  Having to write more than 2,000 words per day is going to require time and energy.  It won't be something I can accomplish in an hour.  If I can get into the habit of writing 5 hours per day, that might really do something for me later on.  Sure, initially it won't be to earn any money.  However, if I get used to writing four to five hours a day then once the project is complete, I can transition that to writing something of substance that I might be able to use to generate some minimal income.

So yeah, I'm actually really excited about it.  I know that this is not something more practical people will understand but I need to stop worrying about what other people think.  So long as my husband (who is the only one directly affected by my lack of working) is okay with it then that's all that matters.  Maybe I'll write, volunteer, and be a housewife of a while.  I have my very first hospice visit with two patients next Thursday.  I want to find something else to do too.  Maybe the aquarium.   I've also decided that if I really want to make some extra cash I can look into substituting again around here.  I mean, I could do a couple of days a month and generate some income in need be.

Of course, as a result of the loss of my income we've had to step back and re-evaluate our financial plans.  Paying back out debt by the end of the year will not happen unfortunately but we can still pay what is needed.  We'll also have to be far more careful about what we spend on a regular basis.  No more super expensive trips to Stowe, Vermont in our future.  Not to mention that my CFP classes aren't cheap so we'll have to figure that out too.  I really can't believe I'm doing this.  I've been granted such an opportunity and I'm so not going to waste it.

Oh for anyone who wants to follow me during NANOWRIMO, my username is ALifeinLetters.  I know that some of you have accounts from years past and the more people who hold me accountable the better.

Decision

Today I did something that I've been avoiding for what seems like forever.  I made excuses.  I was afraid.  I justified it with thoughts like, "this is what life is about now."  Then I asked myself, "is this what I want my life to be about? Is this what I've settled for?"  A lump rose in my throat and I felt that kick deep in my gut that screamed, "No."  I panicked, as you know, on Monday in response to these question and answer session with myself.  After talking with my therapist yesterday, I knew what I had to do. 

So today, I walked into work and handed my boss my two week resignation notice.  And just like that, I quit my job.  Of course, I will still need to work for the next two weeks in order to end on a positive note.  If I want them to recommend me or possibly be rehired in the future if this whole decision ends up backfiring, I need to do this the right way.  My boss was very understanding.  She even gave me my haircut tonight and we were able to have a conversation without any feelings of awkwardness.  

This has got to be one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life.  I quit my job with no other job lined up.  I have no real concrete plan.  Do you have any idea how terrifying this is?  However, I can't help but feel liberated.  For the first time in my life, there is only opportunity.  I just need throw a couple of "what about this" balls against the wall and see what sticks.  Those horrifying, "what if" questions echo in my brain.  

A part of it still doesn't feel real.  Probably because I do I have to go to work tomorrow, this weekend, and next weekend.  I'm tempted to partake in a media fast for my first week without work.  I really want to feel the length of the day without any distractions of television, internet, iphone apps, etc.  These are the same days that I will need to fill.  I need to determine how I want to fill them.  It can't just be with anything, can it?  The last thing I want is to wake up, sit in front of the tv, goof around on the computer, wait for Dave to come home, eat, sleep, and repeat.  I want to grow.  I want to accomplish something.  I want to discover a potential direction.  

Right now, I am still trying to get over the fact that I actually did it. 

Long day, short post

Today was a really long day.  Tomorrow is going to be long as well.   I just want to relax a bit and get through the day and go from there.  I'm feeling anxious but I've had a talk with my therapist, my husband, Jamie, and my parents.  Now I just have to do it.  I'll fill you in on the details once it all happens.  I just don't want to get into it now.  I've talk about it enough for one day.  So I think that will be all for tonight.

School

I'm not going to talk about the debate as I've been tweeting about it throughout the whole thing.  I didn't censor myself there either.  At this point there it seems useless to even pretend that I'm considering voting for Romney.  Okay, I'm done.  Promise.  

I heard back from Merrimack College and apparently they are discontinuing their CFP program as of June 2013.  Just to be clear, I asked if it would even be possible to even complete the program in six month and he responded with a no.  He said that I could take a couple of the courses and transfer them but a part of me just wants to stick with one straight program.  It also is making me want to email BU and ask them if they are planning to discontinue their program.  I feel like that should be something that they put on the website for their program.  I would be so mad if I started a program that would be discontinued six month later.  I shouldn't have to ask that question.  The fact that I did turns me off to their program.  

As far as actually the course, I will be taking the first course come January.  I've determined that I do want to cultivate this new area of interest.  Okay, I keep getting distracted.   I got to go.  

Panic, again

So I just called into work because I'm PMSing and therefore am thinking like a crazy person again.  It's got me thinking if I should start weening off my medication now and getting on some birth control again.  This is getting to be too much.  So yeah, I'm getting ready to go to work and I get this awful sense of panic.  My brain starts screaming,"What are you doing??" and I'm all like, "I'm going to work,..."  and my brain starts screaming, "Why??? You hate your job! You don't want to go."  Again I responded to the irrational side saying, "I dislike my job.  It's not ideal but it's not a bad job.  You have to do things you don't want to do sometimes.  This is life."    My brain then went off, "yes.  This is your life.  You've settled for mediocrity.  You've settled for just getting by and joining the rat race.   Is that what you want?  Do you want mediocrity?  Do you want to live the rest of your life this way?  This is your job.  This is your life.  You are Mediocre!  You've wasted all these years since college.  You're throwing it all away because of those justifications.  'It's good enough' blah blah blah."  My thought are on a roll and I'm powerless to stop them.

I feel the panic begin to rise.  My body starts to heat up and my palms start to sweat.  Deep down I knew I was being unreasonable and I tried to find the words to fight the negative self talk but it just backfired on me.  Suddenly I was reeling for thoughts of my own inadequacy.  "Really, you can't even convince yourself to do your job?  Do you realize that the majority of people in the world don't want to go to work and they do it anyway?  You should be going to work!  GO TO WORK!!"  My whole throat has now constricted.  My sweating hands are shaking to the crazy beat of my heart.  I can feel my breath getting caught in my chest.  "Try holding your breath.  That was how the EMT stopped the panic when he came that time.  Hold it in.  Don't hyperventilate.  It will make it worse."  I take a deep breath and try counting to 8 but only make it to 4.   "I can't breathe.  I can't breathe!  You want me to hold my breath?"

I can hear my thoughts mocking me at this point, "You're pathetic.  Do you realize how pathetic you are?  Go take your panic pill because clearly you can't handle life.  Go! Now!"  My inner voice is that of frustrated parent fed up with the small child's antics.  Tears streaming down my face, I make my way into the kitchen, struggle with opening the bottle because my hands are too sweaty and shaking.  I pop it open and swallow the pill.  "There.  You feel better?  Don't worry, you will.  Now call your work and tell them how pathetic you are and that you can't function because you're a crazy and expect to go into work and have them fire you tomorrow.  They should fire you, you know?  They are so accommodating and you can't even do your part.  You're such a loser."

 When I called I didn't actually say any of that.  Just that I could make it in.  I needed FMLA.  My boss told me to feel better but I can sense the slight irritation in her voice.  It's almost imperceptible.  Maybe I'm imagining it?  Honestly, she has every right to be frustrated with me.  I was sick on Friday and crazy on Monday.  The major symptoms of the panic have subsided.  The self loathing still remains.  It comes and then is replaced my numbness then comes back again.   Sigh.  What am I going to do with me?

Next Step?

To piggyback on yesterday's post, I have put in some thought to what I might want to do.  Being sick didn't mean I was dead and I did a bit more research into becoming a Certified Financial Planner.   It is something I am definitely interested in pursuing and I think I've narrowed it down to two potential schools: Merrimack College and BU.  Boston University's website was super straightforward regarding how to register for classes, the schedule and location of the classes, and the cost of the classes.   Merrimack's wasn't as clear so I sent am email to the professor on their website for more information.  It appears that Merrimack's program will be a bit cheaper but I'm not so sure if it will be as convenient.

Boston University is offering an information session on January 8th.  I wish it was sooner as classes begin in January at both colleges so I will want to be registered.  Becoming a CFP isn't going to be a cakewalk either and will take time before anything comes of it.  In many ways, I feel like I'm starting all over again.  In a way, I guess I am.   No matter what though, I was going to need a Bachelor's degree so I guess I'm glad I got that out of the way.  In fact, for BU's program I can't even apply without the degree so it's not entirely starting over.  However, I am looking at a minimum of two years of school if I choose to go part time.

So it will be at least two years to complete the educational requirement.  Then there's the test.  A ten hour long test needs to be passed in order to move further in the process.  I'm okay with that too.  It appears that both schools have a pre-test course to help prepare for the exam and so long as I make sure I set time to study, I should be okay.  Really the part that concerns me most is the Experience Requirement.  According to CFP Board, I need "at least three year of qualifying full time work experience, or... two years of Apprenticeship experience that meets additional requirements" to even be considered for certification.  I've tried to research this requirement further and I haven't found all that much on how to complete.  My hope is that they will go over this during class.

What I have found is that I may need to apprentice on an unpaid basis.  That seems to be one of the ways I can find to make this work.  I also found that it is a lot easier to get a job or get a gig with a CFP willing to take me on if I already have met the school and exam requirements.  Still, I've begun looking for jobs that might qualify but like I said, I'm not sure what I'm actually looking for.  They say to avoid jobs that are normally posted on job sites as those tend to deal more with selling things rather than gain actual knowledge from a Fee-Only CFP.  Despite that, I've sent a couple of emails to potential companies.  I suppose I can spend a couple of years trying to sell stuff if it furthers my long term career goals.

I don't know.  Like I said, I really hope they go over this in class.  It's part of the reason I want to go to the information session before January.  If any of you happen to stumble on more info, it would be awesome if you send it my way.  My internet research skills are terrible but don't feel obligated.  Really, if you find yourself bored and are looking for an equally boring distraction to get back to whatever task you are attempting to complete, keep me in mind.  If I can get through the 3 major requirements I just have to pass a background check and pay money.   That part I'm not so worried about as I don't plan on stealing, committing tax fraud, assaulting, raping, or murdering anyone ever.

Okay, this post long enough.  Tomorrow I'll go into my thoughts a bit more.  

Teaching

We did not go indoor rock climbing today.  I'm kind of sad about it but I think I needed a bit more recuperation time which I got.  Doing nothing all day got me thinking about all kinds of things.   One of those things: teaching.  Why did it not work out for me?  There's certainly many excuses--that awful student teaching semester, the lack of jobs, the politics within schools, the way parents and society hold teachers responsible for raising their children.  I've used them all.   Really though, maybe teaching just wasn't for me.  Why is that so hard to admit to myself?

I'm the first one to say advocate teachers.  The common misconception is that anyone can do it and that it's nothing more than glorified babysitting.  It's one of the few types of beliefs that infuriate me.  Clearly, anyone who thinks that has never taught in a classroom.  Coaching is different than teaching too.  Both are important but you have a lot more responsibility as a teacher.  If a child can't throw a football or land an axel, they will not be able at a disadvantage in life.  If a child can't read, write a sentence, and solve basic math problems there are going to be a lot of problems.

If I were to be brutally honest with myself, I found planning lessons and then teaching those lessons to be stressful.  If I don't teach this well I will be doing a these kids a horrible disservice.  Classroom management was difficult for me too.  In my defense, my supervising teacher did say that I was definitely getting an education with my student teaching classroom.  It was a difficult class and I did get a lot better as the months progressed.  By then though, my confidence was shattered.

My second student teaching experience was something I needed to prove to myself.  I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.  I wanted to show everyone who told me I couldn't do it how wrong they were.  In the end, I spent more time trying to make it work than I did actually evaluating if this career was really something I wanted.  Was it passion to teach or my pride and ego fueling me?  The more I think about it, the more I realize that it was an ego thing.

If I got a teaching job, I'm almost positive that I could do it.  However, I don't know if I would have enjoyed it.  Something tells me that I wasn't going to like it as much as I thought.  I love the kids but I'm almost positive that I would have spent the whole year just counting down the days until vacations.  Again, if I'm going to be honest with myself: had I really had a passion for teaching I would have tried a hell of a lot harder to get a job.  I wouldn't have allow my self confidence to get in the way.

Teaching in elementary classrooms is not the career for me.  At least not right now.  For a really long time, I tried to force it.  It was easier than trying to determine what type of career would be for me it if teaching wasn't it.  It was easier to make excuses.  Now it's just a matter of not being afraid to pursue my current interests.  Just because teaching didn't work out doesn't mean that whatever I choose to devote me energy in next won't work out either.  I learned a whole lot from my education in education and that knowledge will come with me to whichever career I end up choosing.

Not being a teacher does not invalidate the skills and lessons I've learned during my training to become.  It's time that I let it go and embrace what may waiting for me.

post, bed

Eck.  I had to call in sick today because my head decided to go swimming in the mucus pool of doom.  As a result, I slept a whole lot and I'm still tired.  I hope I'm feeling like 85% better in the next couple of hours because we are scheduled to go indoor rock climbing.  They might not let me near the wall if I am spending more time reaching for tissues than the rocks I'm supposed to climb.   That is all.  This might be the shortest post I've ever written.  Oh well, back to bed.

Politics

 I really hate that fact checking the debates always happens after the debate airs and I propose a solution that would really help lessen the national debt.   How about every time a candidate (presidential, vice presidential, congressional, etc) misrepresents facts or states outright lies be fined? Seriously.  Both parties are notorious for doing it and there's a ton of money to be made with that venture.  I'm so incredibly tired of having to do two hours of research fact checking after every debate.  It's exhausting.  Why can't fact checking happen in real time or almost real time?  Why can't they stop the debate any time a candidate misrepresents to clarify or give context to the statements being made?

More than anything, I think this is the most frustrating part of every election year.  At some point, people decided to just "expect that politicians (our nation's leaders and potential leaders) will lie or misrepresent facts" and that became acceptable.  People throw their hands in the air and say, "hey, it's politics."  It's not okay.  It's not okay at all from either candidate.  How are citizens supposed to wade through it all and make a truly informed decision?  I understand why people dislike watching the debates because it's not like we're actually going to get any real facts.  Nothing will be any clearer.

Fine everyone who misrepresents or distorts the facts, put all the proceeds to the national deficit,  and take the politicians to tasks.  Demand more from our candidates we will not only start actually discussing the real issues this country faces and lessen the debt at the same time.   It won't be the entire solution but it's a start.

Home

Settling back in from vacation can take some time.  The first day, I normally find myself feeling out of sorts as I try to get back into the routine of daily life.  Yesterday Dave kept telling me that I seemed off but he couldn't put his finger on it.  It was hard for me because there was nothing specifically wrong; however, I knew that he was probably right.  There were a lot of things I left behind when I left for vacation and I was trying to reconcile all the things I needed to complete.  Now that a few bills have been paid and I've done some things that were lingering in the back of my mind I feel a good deal better.

I've returned to Massachusetts with a new found drive.  I don't want to keep putting things off.  So starting with tonight, I've sat down and really began to sift through some of the tasks I've been meaning to do for a really long time.  It's a start but it's just the tip of the iceberg.  What's funny is that you begin to take care of something only to realized that there are so many other pieces of it that you haven't yet considered.   Luckily though, I feel more rejuvenated so I feel like it I can take these things on.

Tomorrow, I have my last Hospice Training class.  I still need to get some of my paperwork in but hopefully I won't need it tomorrow.  If I get out in time, I may go into work for a meeting about how to deal with difficult people but I haven't decided yet.  We'll see.

Expensive but worth it!

First Wordless Post!

Day 2 and 3

Let me start off by saying that I feel much better tonight than last night.  Thank you to Alli and my mom for the comments.  They were reassuring.  I woke up this morning with a terrible tummy ache and we didn't get out until much later than we wanted; however, we also didn't go home either.  We decided to shovel out the dinero to stay one more night.  I'm so glad that we did.  When I go through our credit card bill later I will more than likely feel differently but I really didn't want my last night here to end on such a sour note.

Due to the rain out from yesterday and Dave not feeling well (we apparently took turns in the not feeling well department) we didn't get to do a whole lot.   The annual Stowe Arts Festival was this weekend and we stopped by there but it was super muddy and it reminded me of a lesser imitation of the Big E.  It didn't help that we arrived with a preconceived notion of what it would be like.  When we came up two years ago, we went to a festival with a bunch of free wine and food.  We both thought it was that but looking at their schedule of events we think it might be restaurant week that is happening the last weekend in October.  Still, we did find a couple of artists whose work we really liked.  You can check out their websites here and here.  There were a couple of others that didn't have websites which is a shame.

Due to the rain, we decided it was the perfect day to spend a couple of hours at Ben and Jerry's factory.  We went on their tour and the weather cleared up enough for us to get some fantastic shots.

Yes, the line is that long.

View from Ben and Jerry's

Oh no! Not the Flavor Graveyard

Noes! No more Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie Dough!!!

Okay, Cookies and Milk will do just fine.

Today we went on a short hike through the woods before going taking a trip up the mountain and sliding down the Alpine slide.  It was so much more fun than I thought it was going to be when I first looked at it.  In fact, a part of me was kind of nervous about doing it but then I saw a bunch of children running up to it and determined that it must be something I could handle.  I might have been a little tentative but I got the hang of it.  Unfortunately due to it being a giant slide we were unable to take any photos.  Then earlier this evening, we drove into town and walked about a bit.  Here are some photos from today:

Off on a little walk at our resort!

View from the other side

I like bridge!

This screams autumn to me, I don't know why.

Aaah!

Lion and Mummy and Snaggletooth.  Oh my!

Just chillin on the Municipal Steps

Vacation Disruption

So my happy vacation was just tainted as I got my very first ever speeding ticket.  I am beyond upset. It will cost me $145 and add three points to my driving record.  Until now, I was extremely proud of my driving record.  I love to drive and am generally a very safe and courteous driver.  The roads up here though are not only dark but confusing.  The speed limits fluctuate more often than I could count varying from 50 mph to 25mph.   Most the the commute I found myself driving under the posted speed limit alerted by other drivers crossing the lane to speed around me.  Only then would I realize that I was driving 40 in a 50 mile per hour zone.

As Dave said, I think I might have found myself caught in a "speed trap."  One almost specifically designed to get non locals caught going over the speed limit.  With the majority of the road being 40-50 miles per hour, I was caught doing 40 in a 25 mile per hour zone.  As much as I wanted to plead my case and tell the officer that I didn't see the posted sign and I'd been passed by other drivers due to my overly cautious nature on these unknown roads, I thought better of it.  I've heard that nothing good comes from arguing with the officer while you are in the car.  Knowing there was little I could do to convince him otherwise, my only hope was that he'd look at my clean driving record over the last ten or so years and determine that I am not a hazard to the community.  I was disappointed.

Driving the rest of the way back, Dave and I had a discussion about how we wished we had taken one of the Mercedes Benz vehicles our hotel offers.  Yeah, our hotel offers a huge range of Mercedes vehicles that we can "test drive" around town as one of its many ridiculous perks.  Those would have had Vermont plates and I doubt I would have been pulled over if he had thought I was a native Vermonter.  Of course, I have no proof of that but there was something about the way it all happened that made me think that this was a bored cop who saw a Mass plate driving too fast and decided to attain some extra revenue for the town/state.  I want to be angry but I'm more just bummed out about it.

I now have 3 options.  I can accept the ticket or plead no contest (where I neither accept or deny the charges) where I just pay the fine and move on.  Or I can deny the charge and force the officer to prove that I was driving over the speed limit during a civil hearing.  After doing some research, I determined that we should drive by out there tomorrow and take note of the surroundings.  Maybe I wasn't paying as much attention as I thought and missed the signs indicating the speed limit changing or maybe I can make a case for myself.   Depending on the number of signs before I was stopped, the signs prior to it, and the location of the sign I may have a decent case.  If for example there was only one sign on a bend in the road and the sign prior to that was 40 miles per hour, I could take some photos, bring Dave as a witness and argue that due to the lack of street lights I was concentrating on the road itself and not the signs while driving the speed limit posted a few miles back.

The biggest downside is that if the court rules me at fault then I not only have to pay the ticket but an extra $50 in court fines and possibly more in surcharges.  So tomorrow, I'll have to see if I can possibly build a stronger case than the officer himself.  If I don't feel like I can, then I just need to suck it up and pay the consequences for my lack of attention.  Technically I was in the wrong; however, did the officer uphold the "spirit of law" by fining me under such circumstances when I have such a decent driving record?  Apparently, according to one of my groomsmen who went into law enforcement, he had to take a course regarding the "spirit of the law."

Other than that hiccup and the rain, the day away went well but I think I want to get back to my vacation and stop worrying about this.

Route 100!!

Our trip up Rte 100 was beautiful and so much fun.  The foliage is definitely at its peak, possibly even beyond as there were more dead trees than we expected in some places.  We started out our morning with machine made pancakes.  I wish we grabbed a photo of the device because it was really cool and made some decent pancakes with just a push of a button.  We then jumped on the road and stopping at some beautiful places.   I'll let these photos do the talking.

When we arrived at Stowe Mountain Lodge I was once again overwhelmed by how grand this place is.  We don't know how to live like the wealthy people who vacation here often.  Between the complimentary valet service, our bags hand delivered to our room, the shops, and everything it's like we entered a different universe.  A girl could get used to it.  We also got a room upgrade to a 1 bedroom suite and complimentary breakfast for the next two days.  It's so amazing.  I love it already.

Vacation, Finally!

So we decided on heading out a night early.   We want to take the scenic drive on the way to Stowe tomorrow which will take approximately 5 hours with no stops (and we will more then like be stopping).   If we were to leave from home, it would take almost 7 hours.  That was just a bit too much so we have made a one night stop in Keene, NH just a few miles from where we will be beginning our journey tomorrow.  It's now midnight and I feel like I'm relaxing for the first time all day.  Between hospice class, receiving two fillings, shopping, packing, and Dave burning CDs of Ted Talks we left much later than we anticipated.   This left me quite cranky (poor Dave) but I feel better now.  All I need is a shower tomorrow morning and I'll be good to go.

As I was ranting to Dave earlier, I made a realization about myself.  I only go shopping for clothing just before going on a trip.  Shopping for clothes is plain frustrating.  However, when traveling I know that photos will be taken which means that I can't be walking about in scrubs or clothing full of holes.  I want to look presentable or else, I'll just hate being in front of the camera and hate any photos that are taken feeling like I've ruined the shot.  To prevent that, I go shopping and work to create outfits just for the trip.  Because I procrastinate, I can't get frustrated and give up like I normally do when things don't fit.  I have to make things work and therefore cannot give up because I'm tired of trying things on.   That happened today but I found a pair of jeans, a sweater, and a raincoat!  I'm so happy about the jeans and the sweater (I got too fat for my old jeans months ago).

So where will we be staying this weekend?  Allow me to showcase Stowe Mountain Lodge (photos are from various travel websites):