Two posts today

Happy New Year everyone!  It's 2013 and that means that I've written everyday for the past two years.  I'm pretty psyched about that.  With the new year, I've also posted my first (second) post on Investing in Living. I can't believe I'm actually trying it again after all this time.  It's terrifying but also super exciting.  

With my being ill and all, Dave and I decided to stay in tonight.  This is the first year since I was twelve that I haven't done anything special and you know, I kind of like it.  I mean, I also love spending time with my friends during the new year but it nice to not make a big deal out of it.  As of right now, I'm watching a movie I've seen a gazillion times and Dave is working on my blog layout.

I kind of feel badly because I basically begged him to work on it.  He's been killing himself working on my sister's wedding website and I felt badly about pulling him away but I really did want to get it up tonight.  Choosing a layout has been quite a process partly because I had no idea what I wanted.  I spent hours searching through our photos as a possibility and found nothing.  I tried drawing something but it looked totally cheesy and awful.  It was getting frustrating.

Finally, I found a super popular layout that is very similar to the one I'm using here and I loved it. The best part is that it is free. Is it perfect and original?  Not really.  Dave is modifying it and trying to customize it to give it more of a personalized feeling.  I'm so lucky I have him.   Once I really begin to develop the blog in a few months or so, maybe I'll change it further.  

Still sick but got something done

Last night my nose went crazy.  I couldn't stop sneezing and it kept running like a faucet.  Although I had 2 boxes of tissues, I used every last one and am now almost entirely through a whole roll of toilet paper.  I've taken all the medication I can think to try and nothing seems to work.  Somehow I felt better when I was laying down.  The mucus must drip back and I breath through one nostril or the other and I just feel better.  After talking with my mom and forgoing dinner plans for this evening, I found myself back in bed sleeping until the early evening.  I'm just exhausted.

Before going to bed I contacted my cousin who's had some major issues and found an ear, nose, throat doctor who changed her life.  I'm not sure if they'll be open tomorrow with it being New Year's Eve Day and all but I think I'll give her a office a call just to see.  I think I really need to see someone other than my regular doctor or an allergy specialist.  I need a second opinion.  If she suggests the allergy shots then maybe I will start them back up again.  Really, I'm just so tired of this and I'm tired of being tired all the time because I'm not breathing properly.  I'm taking allergy medication regularly and still it doesn't seem to help.  Maybe there is something more going on.

Despite that, I did some meal planning and planned the meals for the week. In addition I created a grocery list using Stop & Shop's website.  I know that Stop and Shop is one of the most expensive grocery stores in the area but it allows me to create a whole shopping list and price it out at the same time.  To make my meal plan for the week, I went through our cabinets and made a list of everything we still have.  We've spent the last week only eating things from our cabinets and fridge so I had a pretty good idea already.  Unfortunately we need milk and eggs to make most of the stuff that remains so I built it from there.

My goal was to keep it under $50 for the week and I totally did it.  I also went online and ordered toilet paper, razor blades, and tissues seeing as we are out of blades and tissues and only have like two rolls of toilet paper left.  My goal was to keep that under $25 but it required a $25 minimum for free shipping so I spent $26.48.  We were actually slightly under $50 for the groceries so I don't feel all that upset by it.  Plus, we'll earn 10 points on the dollar so that will be helpful if we want to take a vacation sometime after this spending fast.

Family

I'm feeling a little better today.  Going to my family's Christmas party was a challenge because I wasn't feeling all that great earlier.  Right now, it's just my typical nose issues.  Ah well, I just got to let it run its course, right?  Our family party was entertaining as always.  The little great grandchildren were adorable.  We enjoyed watching their antics and playfulness.  I can't believe how big they're getting.  The two oldest are  now nine.  My grandmother has two almost decade old great-grandchildren.  How surreal must that be?

We hired a photographer for this year to get some group shots of the family.  Dave took photos in the background and my mom posted a couple on Facebook.  I'm excited for some of the ones the photographer took though.  It's always nice to see everyone and this year everyone was actually able to come which is unheard of as the family has grown to 46 people (only first cousins).  Almost all of us started with just two people: my grandparents who had six children who went on to have twelve children of their own, and now there are eight great-grandchildren.  This isn't including the spouses.

How cool must it be to be able look upon all of us and think of the pivotal role you played?  Dave and I won't ever have that experience.  I mean, unless we start pumping out the babies now or have multiple sets of triplets (they don't run in the family so I doubt it).  By the time my grandparents were my age they had four children.  I can't imagine.  Having them so young has allowed them to not only see half their grandchildren marry but also see eight great-grandchildren come into the world.  Unless we are able to extend our life-spans during my lifetime, that won't be something I'll be able to see for myself.  Like I said, there's the remote possibility of us having multiples who could have children at a very young age who could grow up and also have children at a young age.

Even if we were to have a child within the next year, there's a small chance I'll be able to see any great-grandchildren.  I mean, I'm twenty eight and if my child waits until he or she is twenty eight to have her own child I'll be fifty-six years old.  If my grandchild has his/her child at twenty eight,  I'll be eighty four years old. I suppose that's not impossible but that would be if each of those children decide to have kids.  My grandmother is eighty four right now.

On the other hand, I've had the opportunity to experience things my grandmother never got the chance to experience like college and travel.  She would have thrived in college.  Now that I think about it, I've probably traveled to more places in my twenty-eight years than she has in her eighty four.  She never really got the chance having her children so young and far apart in ages.  I doubt she regrets it in the slightest.  I think she was happiest whenever she was with my grandfather.  He's been gone almost two years now and she tears up all the time when she thinks about him.

Sometimes having six children (the youngest was born when the oldest was 17) can really strain a marriage.  I'm sure it wasn't always easy but they made it through and I think they loved each other as much in their final years as they did when they initially married.  Maybe more.  My grandmother never went to college, traveled the world, owned a home, or even drove a car but she married a man she never stopped loving.  A man who gave her the world and a large, wonderful family.  I think, in many ways, she is far richer than some of us "modern women" who value so many other things more than family.

Ugh

I'm in a mood tonight.  I don't know what it's about but I sit here pouting and feeling down and irritated.  I'm still sick and not feeling my best causing me to do almost nothing around the house.  I'll be honest, I really did plan to do some serious cleaning over these past two days but all I've done is the dishes.  Instead I've mostly just slept and taken baths.  Dave gave me some medicine that has made my voice feel a little better.  Still, I think I'm just annoyed by my lack of progress on the apartment front.  I know that psychologically I'll feel better once it's clean and I really want to take action but I just feel weak and tired and ill.  It's only been two days but it feels like it's been forever.  I'm ready for it to be over.  We have a family Christmas party tomorrow and I better be okay.  Not to mention New Year's Eve... sigh.  It's just one of those days.

Sick

So I'm sick and I have my period.  All those things I wanted to do today?  Yeah, they didn't happen because I spent almost all day in bed trying to sleep off this illness.  A part of me knew it was coming.  It was only a matter of time before all that post-nasal drip entered my chest, affected my voice, and made it difficult to breathe.  Too bad, my period chose today as the perfect time to let me know that I'm not pregnant this month and gave me some stomach pain in addition to the rest of me that was uncomfortable.  I was hoping to be showing some improvement by this evening but my voice is just as bad and if I try to speak much more than a few words at a time, I find myself gasping for air.  This proved to be extra annoying talking to Dave who almost never heard or understood what I was saying the first time I tried because he's not used to this strange voice.  I would then have to repeat and then find myself trying to not get frustrated with him and just catch my breath.

What can I do really?  I'll take my baths and see if the steam helps.  I'll continue taking my allergy medication , drink more Airborne, and just try to get as much rest as I can.  So not in the mood to deal with though right now.  I have stuff to do.  Laying in bed all day fighting this chest cold is really not what I should be doing.

Cleaning

For the past two days Dave and I were staying at my parents' house.  Tonight we are back at home and Dave has to go to work tomorrow.  A part of me wishes we had the foresight to have him take Thursday, Friday, and Monday off so we could have until after the new year together.  We have so much we would like to do and so many things to take care of that it would be nice to have him around.  Ah well, I am off so I'll try to get as much taken care of as I can without him.  

Our list of things to do includes cleaning this entire apartment, getting Investing in Living ready to relaunch, getting price quotes from different car insurance policies, finish up my sister's website, and a couple of other things I can't think of right now.  Normally, I would put off the cleaning thing but right now our place is such a disaster that it's plain stressful.  I can't deny the motivating and calming power that a clean and organized living environment provides.   Even being at my parents place I felt calmer and whatnot.  I'm naturally a messy individual and Dave isn't much better.  There was a time when the chaos was more organized and I could work within it but not so much anymore.  I can no longer deny that I need a more tidy space and I think it would be hugely helpful to Dave too.  

So yeah, so not looking forward to that.  I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it.  

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas Everyone!  I hope you all enjoyed your holiday and got everything you wished for.  I did.  Dave got some things on his wish list too.  People seemed pleased with what we got for them as well.  That's always important too.  The best part though?  Spending all day in my pajamas with my family.  Ben, Laura, Dave, and I even had a political discussion without it getting out of hand.  In fact, we even found common ground.  It was kind of awesome and totally part of the magic of Christmas.  That, or the political atmosphere is more publicly polarized than it actually is in reality. 

I'm going to stop writing this now because Dabey has got his head in his hands reading over my shoulder as I type making "tired" faces.  As I was writing that sentence he stuck out his tongue and is now grimacing and shaking his head back and forth.  Now he's giggling and shaking his head back and forth.   I think that means he loves me.  He nodded his agreement.  Okay, I love him too so I'm ending this now so we can go to bed. 

Merry Christmas! Ho Ho HO!

Christmas Eve

Twas the night before Christmas and I've gone and stayed awake until quarter to five in the morning.   We decided to stay at my parents' place after going to my Uncle's for Christmas Eve since it would be easier than driving down here tomorrow (today, whatever).  I knew that I wasn't going to be able to go to sleep at a reasonable hour but I figured I would watch a movie or read a book once everyone went to bed.   However, for some reason, when my father called it a night around 2am my mother wasn't tired yet and we stayed up talking.  Dave listened while working on my sister's wedding website. 

We had a nice conversation.  My mother is one of those people who is extremely easy to talk with.  She's had many a stranger tell her things that you wouldn't expect.  Sure, there are some people who are just more open but I do think my mother's ability to converse makes it easier.  Heck, even some of the customer services reps she's spoken with over the phone have talked about how they dislike their job with her.  She just has that way about her.  And of course, I can talk up a storm so... here it is at almost 6am and I'm only just now typing this post. 

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas Eve and that you all have an even better Christmas.  I hear that there might be snow.  Sadly it hasn't started yet but I'm still hopeful for a white Christmas even if it is just a dusting. 

Day after

The past two posts were very short and I'm afraid that's going to be the same tonight.   Despite taking a nap I'm exhausted.  So is Dave.  Last night's drunken escapades wiped us out.  This morning I ended up feeling worse than I expected.  I don't if it was "hung over" but I was super uncomfortable.  My nose was a mess, I was ridiculously tired, cranky, and just out of sorts.  Really it was my nose more than anything.  It's been terrible recently so I don't know if my moodiness had to do with that or because I drank too much last night. Probably a combination of both.  I strongly doubt that Dave and I will be drinking like that for a while.  Even just having soda isn't appealing.  All I want is water and maybe some hot chocolate.

Since we were in Haverhill we stopped by my parents to wish my mother a Happy Birthday.  Of course we forgot her card and gift but I was at least able to say hi.  My dad is taking her to a dinner and a movie tonight which is really awesome since they rarely do that.  I hope they have fun and my mom's birthday is something special.  With it being so close to Christmas she always got the short stick as far as birthdays go because it was always being overshadowed.   Happy Birthday Mom! You're the best.

Okay, I'm going to go lay down again and maybe watch a movie or something.  Just chill out and relax but I decided to write before I got too comfortable.

Cookie

I love my husband.  If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be writing  this right now.  I'd be snuggled in Jamie's brother's bed about to fall asleep.  We had our second annual drunken cookie decorating party  tonight.  And we all got very drunk except for Lauren who got really sleepy.  I've sobered up a bit since though so this post isn't too bad.  I am very tired though and I'm not really digging posting on this iPad.  So goodnight all.

Too sleepy!

It's 4am and I was about to fall asleep next to my husband when I suddenly remembered that I hadn't written yet!  This thought was distressing because all I wanna do is sleep. Also , I'm really cold; I have 3 blankets on!  But the world didn't end so I'm not really that distressed!  The end!

"It's the end of the world as we know it" or is it?

I slept super late today and awoke after having this horrible dream.  During the dream, I was being raised by a some family that wasn't mine and I kept trying to run away to get back to my parents and they kept catching me.  They weren't very nice.   Apparently, their child and me were switched at birth and when my parents did find out they were reluctant to take a paternity test because they didn't want to loose the child that they had fallen in love with and raised.  I was just some stranger who looked like them.   It was horrible. When I woke up all I could think about was how lucky I was to have them as parents.  A close friend who believed in past lives believed that if we lived well during the life prior we could choose our parents before we're born.  She always felt like she chose her family.   I don't know if I chose my parents or if it was God or just plain luck but I'm so grateful for them.  At this point, they are more than my parents but they are close friends too.

The world is supposed to end today.  According to many of the things I've read, they've estimated that it will end at 11:11 Universal Time which is apparently 6:11 our time.  I have no idea if that's am or pm.  A huge part of me hopes that if it's going to kill up all I'd rather it happen in the morning when I'm asleep.  There is the theory of a giant meteor; however, that's unlikely as we probably would know about it by now or see it.  There's the atomic warfare theory and then there's the electronic shutdown where all electricity just shuts down indefinitely causing mass panic which would lead to people killing each other.   However, the one I feel would be most likely is the world pandemic or massive solar flares. I just feel like that is far more likely than the others.  Of course, there have also been many, many people who have determined that the Mayan Calendar does not predict the end of the world.  The history channel is showcasing people who have built bunkers as their fail safe.  Here's the thing about bunkers, you need to be near it when the atomic bomb goes off and bunkers do not protect from earthquakes.

At the moment, I'm watching something on the History Channel about how the military and the government have these contingency plans.  They won't help us regular people.  I know all of this is super ridiculous and this is not the first "end of the world" prediction but there's always that small part of me that can't help but wonder "what if."  I also tend to be anxious about these kind of things anyway.  I don't have any confidence in my abilities to survive if our society completely collapsed.  TV shows like Jericho and Revolution both fascinate me and scare the crap out of me.  I am not a survivalist.  I don't know how to set up a tent, shoot a gun, plant or identify my own food, and I live in an urban area making survival almost impossible.  I also am not an "Armageddon prepper;" I mean, if I was I certainly wouldn't be living here.  Plus, I know that if I did start to prepare, I would just snowball out of control.   The mere idea of that kind of the living situation makes me hope that if it is caused by a nuclear bomb I'm in the blast zone.

Alright, I'm not going to think about this anymore.  Right now, it only produces more anxiety.  I'm almost positive that absolutely nothing will happen.  Even if it does, there is little I can do about it aside from react.  It's completely out of my control.  

In the right direction

Although I don't have anything to show you, I did actually work on my first two posts for Investing in Living. I outlined one of the posts and found some pictures I might want to use and took some note regarding the second one.  It's progress.  Slow moving progress but progress none the less.  I also called and cancelled the   memberships we have at the gym, Massage Envy, and Audible.com.  In addition I also folded the laundry so I got through a lot of the things on my To-Do List.  Even my procrastination proved somewhat productive.  To help procrastinate, I go to Pinterest.  It's my favorite distraction technique.  Recently, I have been really annoyed with my pin boards and their organization so I spent a few hours actually reorganizing and pinning.  It did provide a small sense of accomplishment, you know one akin to completing a level in Tetris: meaningless but still feels good.

Not exactly the post I wanted to write

Okay, Okay. I didn't exactly write the entry about the spending fast like I wanted to tonight but oh well.  So far day one was a success.  We ate leftovers from this weekend (something that we are going to be doing an awful lot this upcoming year) and I didn't go out and drive around aimlessly.  Instead, I sat down and took a hard look at our finances.  I just finished the book America's Cheapest Family Gets You Right On the Money which really helped a lot.  Unlike most of the financial books I've read this doesn't just talk about cutting your spending but actually helps show you how.  The book is broken down into sections with your typical budgeting and debt categories but also helps you figure out how to save in the other areas like groceries, cars, utilities, clothing, etc.  

To be honest, when it comes to cutting my spending I'm a novice.  I look at Katie who is full of tricks and creative solutions to help save money and I wish I had her skills.  Still, there's no better time to learn, right?  I know we're going to make mistakes,  I think that's a given but I'm willing to take two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, one step back, and so on until we find a system that works for us.  All I want is to go in the right direction and I'm ready to commit to that.  Hopefully, Katie won't be shy about sharing some of her money saving techniques and Dave grew up being very frugal so I think I'll be able catch on eventually.  

Today, I created a budget for our needs and actually made a complete spreadsheet based on the one supplied in the book.  How I plan to implement it is still to be determined but it's a work in progress.  We plan to eat a lot of the food we already have in the house before going grocery shopping so I have a couple of days to figure out how to feed to the two of us for a week for $50-$75.  I know that some of you reading that may laugh at how high those numbers are but it's going to be a real struggle for me.  If you only knew what we spent on food in month, it's sickening.   Some people could probably feed 100 people on what we normally spend on food.  In addition to that, I think I've determined how we are going to pay off this month's credit card bill in full and not go under water.  It will require tapping into our savings... a lot but we'll make it work and we'll have a fresh start.

If we can maintain our budget, heck even if we make a few small mistakes here and there, we should be able to create a small cushion without our checking account and start putting money toward that debt by February.  It's going to be super slow moving and I know I'm going to get impatient and frustrated by the progress but I just need to take it one day at time.  Hey, at least I'm not trying to lose weight or run a triathlon or something else ridiculous at the same time.  I can focus on this.

Thoughts for the upcoming year

Okay, I've officially made all of our Christmas purchases.  Tomorrow, I will need to focus on writing a special post that will be for the new blog; however, I plan to post it here first.  We are going to be beginning one of our New Year's Resolutions early because of the way our schedule works.   I want to talk about it but I want to have it fully explained.  Unlike last last year where I tried to conquer 27 goals and only really achieved approximately half of them I decided to do things differently this year.   What I tried last year required a level of self-discipline that I just don't have yet.  I know I can handle one goal for the year as I've done this blog for almost two years now.  The trick is to establish a daily habit.

This year, I'm going to try and achieve two goals.  Two big goals.  One will be to actually write entries regularly in my Investing in Living blog.  It's been something I've wanted to do for the past two years and I need to establish a routine so that it can become a habit.  Like this daily writing here in this blog, I think I need to dedicate a certain amount of time each day toward writing on that blog.  I'm debating between 15-30 minutes a day.   Unlike this blog, I won't be posting every night.  I think, at first, I'll want to post once or twice each week.  I'm still trying to work that out.   I won't be starting that one until the new year (though I plan to write entries for it prior) so I have some time to think about it the actual specifics. You guys have been following this for two years now so if you have some suggestions about the new blog, I welcome your thoughts.  Please feel free to comment or email me directly.

My second is actually one that I will be trying with Dave and it is very ambitious but I think is totally doable.  We've decided to do a Spending Fast after being totally motivated by Anna Newell Jones at And then she saved.  Yes, this is huge but I won't be going at it alone.  We also have those long term financial goals: we want to pay back our debt and we want to eventually buy a home.   Right now we are also living on one income (although I don't plan for it to stay that way).  We've tried budgeting and be more controlled but I think the "you're not allowed to spend on anything but the necessities" might work better.  It's not about being able to justify it, it's just "no."   Of course, we'll have different wants and needs which we've talked about and I plan to write about in that post.  We have been preparing for this for the past month so we've really tried to get some of those things that we think we're going to need.  Dave and I have this goal far more flushed out than I've outlined in this paragraph and hopefully I can clearly delineate our goal and the "rules" in my next post.

Please write me with your thoughts especially about the new blog.  I can't say that I will use everything you suggest but I promise that I will give what you say a lot of deep thought.

Stuff

It snowed!  The best part?  I didn't have to go to work.  I'm almost finished with my Christmas shopping too.    Now it's time to receive the online orders, wrap them, and get the rest of it together.  We also didn't decorate yet.  I know, I know.  It's on our "To-Do" List and we've been busy.  We also purchased new kids glasses for me (pictures to be posted soon).  I'm really happy with them and they fit so much better than any of my past glasses.  I still can't get over that.  Let's see, what else happened today?  I got a great nap in and watched the Pat's game with my husband.  I love snuggling with him.  That is all.

One more post about the shooting--sorry, guys

The day after the horrible shooting I feel like I've been able to collect my thoughts a bit more.  I still don't have an explanation or have any words to give this meaning but I do have a lot of feelings about the response it's all received.  Dave sent me a list of the names of those that were killed and I paused at each to say a quick prayer.  I've also marveled at the story I heard about the 27 year old teacher who hid her students in the closet and cabinets telling the gunman that they were at gym when he entered her classroom.  He pulled the trigger and killed her but the kids were sparred.  I'm not 100% sure the story is true but I hope that it is.  Her quick thinking saved the lives of those children.

Anyway, back to how people have responded.  This is going to sound strange but every time there is a major tragedy like this, I am always reminded how much goodness people have.  After every awful situation, I watch as people rally to help in whatever way they can and that speaks volumes.  One of my sister's bridesmaids started a teddy bear drive and it has just exploded.  It started with just 47 of us participating and in the last 24 hours 300 more people have joined and given stuffed animals.  It's amazing and that's what I want to focus on because aside from remembering the victims, it's so important to help the survivors.

All the talk about gun laws or religion or other crazy ideas about how we can prevent this is exhausting to listen to and read about.  I'm sure all of you are tired about it as well and I'm sorry that I'm bringing it up at all but I do want to mention it.  I do not believe that banning guns is the answer to this.  I don't think that will resolve anything as a ban will not prevent people from getting guns the same way making cocaine or prostitution illegal does little to stop it.  I also do not think that arming teachers is the answer either.  Both suggestions sound absurd to me.  Would I love to eliminate all guns?  Of course, but that's completely unrealistic and will never happen.  I wouldn't mind there being stricter laws regarding gun ownership but even that will not prevent these situations.

I also do not think that religion is the answer either.  That's as absurd as banning or giving everyone guns.  Teaching religion in school will not stop the crazy people from blowing others away.  This did not happen because church and state are separated and it's obnoxious when I read that reasoning.  These tirades on Twitter and Facebook just need to stop.   If anything might contribute to future acts is the sensational media attention surrounding a tragedy like this.  I'm not saying that it shouldn't be reported--not at all.  I just don't think it should be plastered on every news station for hours and hours.  I don't think that the gunman should be recognized at all.  He should always be referred to as "the gunman" especially if he ends up killing himself. I get that we want to put a name and a face to who did something like this, we want to know why, and we want to rage against that person but making him the focus is not the answer.

Okay, I've got that out and I'm sure plenty of people will adamantly disagree with me and I'm okay with that.  I get that my "let's not rehash this over and over" as I'm rehashing it is a bit hypocritical but I don't particularly care.  I'm sorry to those reading this who had to deal with my tirade as I rail against other's tirade's but for the most part this journal is personal.   If I had the capability to password protect this, I would.  Sorry guys.

Why

Dabey's typing this post because I got lotion in my eye and it hurts!  I don't think I can write about today without mentioning what happened at that school in Connecticut.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around the emotions regarding this tragedy.  I mean, how could somebody walk I to a school and shoot 20 kids. It's beyond my scope of understanding.  It makes me sad, mad, and helpless.  I hate that's there's nothing I can do to protect those kids or ease their parent's pain and grief.

Though one never knows how one will react in such a situation, I can't help but think that my protective instincts would do whatever it takes to make sure those kids were safe.  The teachers at that school did a wonderful job handling the situation.  I'm confident that all of the adults who were killed died protecting their students.  Just thinking about it now, the only question that remains is why someone would do this.

We can talk about gun laws and debate how to prevent something like this from happening again. However, the basic truth is that we are relatively powerless.  These types of people have always existed.  They represent the worst traits that humans contain.  All we can do is hold our loved ones close, cherish the time that we spend with them, and make as many memories as possible.  My greatest sympathies go out to the families who drive frantically to that school, only to find that they'd be going home alone.  I can't imagine their sorrow.  I wish that I had the words to make meaning out of this but am at a loss.

Bridesmaid dress purchased!

One major part of being a bridesmaid is completed.  I handed over my credit card to purchase my bridesmaid dress.  I'm really happy with it as my sister is allowing me to wear the dress that I fell in love with and she chose the red over the blue.  I don't mind blue but I will always prefer red or purple when it comes to things like this.  The best part? The dress turned out to be about $40 cheaper than I thought so that was a great surprise.  Afterward, we went over to one of the other bridesmaid's condos for pizza and a movie.  I really enjoy my sister's friends.  They are funny and fun to be around.   Plus they are super supportive of my sister wanting to help her in any way they can.

Aside from that, I didn't do much else today except sleep in and read a bit.  Overall, it was a lazy day.  I enjoyed it but I'm going to aim for far more productivity tomorrow.  We'll see how that goes.

Forget titles

My nose decided to try my patience again.   I think I've finally got it under control but it was getting really frustrating for a while there.  Dave brought his car to the shop today and just like that $1050 is no longer ours.  Cars can be so expensive.  It's too bad living in a city is just as a expensive because I feel like that one of the only ways I can get rid of a car.  That or figure out a way to make a living from home.  Sadly, life in the suburbs requires a vehicle and two if both of you work outside of the home.  Until we can figure out another option, we must accept the drain on our finances that cars can be and try to stay as prepared for them as possible.

Also, I went looking for some eye glasses.  Due to my allergies or something, my eyes seem more be more easily irritated than normal.  I ended up in glasses much more often this year than any other.  Also, my glass are old.  Very old.  And the prescription is nowhere close to what it should be.  I've decided that it was time so we went looking at some frames.  I tried on pair after pair but I didn't like any of them.  To say I hate myself in glasses is an understatement.  They just don't look right on me.  Add to it that I kind of wanted a pair that have a bit more style and those tend to be so much more expensive I was getting really discouraged.  My face is just too small.

On a whim, I decided to try on some children's glasses.  I just wanted to compare them.  Suddenly, everything changed.  I tried on pair after pair and I finally felt like I could critique them properly because I didn't look awful anymore.  I was able to say, "oh I like these and these and these.  Well, I like these ones more."  It felt great.  The added bonus?  I went from looking at frames costing between $150-$300 to frames under $150.  Most were under $100, actually.   I didn't make any decisions yet but I may go back and try some more.

Practical Magic

Practical Magic was on t.v. tonight and I hate that they cut stuff out of it so they can add commercials.  Once I realized it, I immediately popped in my dvd so I could watch it properly.  This movie is one of my absolute favorite movies of all time.   In fact, I'd argue that it's one of my top three though I couldn't tell you what the other two would be.  This movie just makes me laugh, cry, and just feel.  I've never really thought that Sandra Bullock or Nicole Kidman were the best actresses but I think they do such a great job in one.

I had a whole list of qualities I wanted to give this movie to explain why I like it but instead I'm going to stop writing and just watch it again.

Life is Good

Today was actually pretty productive.  I didn't get everything I wanted to get done but I did make some progress and I've begun decorating of Christmas (finally).  We don't really have the room for a traditional Christmas tree so I'm getting creative.  Hopefully we'll be fully decorated by tomorrow or Wednesday and I'll post pictures.

Tomorrow I have a unique appointment which has me super excited.  I will be getting my skates looked at by the man who initially sold them to me.  They haven't fitted properly for a bit so I'm hoping he might be able to work with them.  He's a coach and was Goofy on Disney on Ice way back.  He's also English with the best accent.  Seriously, it was worth calling him just to hear him say, "Crikey, a blast for the past."  He's super nice and just the person I feel comfortable discussing my return to the ice.

So yeah, I did a lot and got a ton left but life is good.

Credit Card knowledge

I love that I no longer work on Sundays.  It's so nice to sleep in late, wake up next to my husband, and snuggle for a bit before getting out of bed.  With no plans for the day, I spent most of it just relaxing and doing my own thing.  During an afternoon excursion to Barnes and Nobles I did some seriously thinking about my Investing in Living blog.  I really want to write in it again and I want to cultivate that.  While there, I created some outlines for posts I want to write.  Oddly enough, I really want to write about what I've learned about credit cards.  The job wasn't the best but it taught me a lot of really useful information that has served practical purposes.

I found myself using my knowledge a couple of days ago when Dave was trying to purchase a second cheddar and broccoli soup at Panera.  He called me to say that our credit card declined. He didn't have another form of payment (not the smartest, I know) so if it was declining, one of us wasn't getting soup.   I knew that we had plenty of funds available but I knew that wasn't the only reason for the card to decline and it had just worked so I figured it might be a security thing.  My bank could be declining it because they thought it was a fraudulent purchase so I called them.  One of the things I really like about this particular credit card is that they don't have ridiculous security features so when they told me that it wasn't declining on their end, I wasn't surprised.  Of course, that was really all they said.  The card was not declining on bank's end but it was still declining at Panera.  For Dave this was incredibly frustrating when I told him the bank said the card was okay but it was declining every time Panera tried it.  Something was wrong... and no one gave us an answer as to what.

However, because of my four years in the industry I thought about it quickly.  We were attempting to run a second transaction at the same store for the same amount and it was declining.  It was not declining on the bank's end so it wasn't a security hold.  That meant only one other thing: Panera was blocking the transaction.  The associates there wouldn't know why because their machine just says "declined" but it doesn't say why even though they are the ones declining it which is why they insisted it was our card.  However, I told Dave to change the amount of the transaction-- add a cookie or a beverage and try it again. He did and the transaction went through.  Yay! We could both have soup.  Why did changing the amount work?  Panera has a security feature of their own: it will automatically decline any transaction that appears to be a duplicate.  Because it was the exact same amount on the same card, their machine declined it because it's programmed to flag that as a duplicate charge.  They don't want to accidentally charge someone twice.  Of course, it's a bit outdated.  They easy could program their terminals to notify the associates that it could be a duplicate transaction and they could override it but maybe Panera doesn't trust them enough to do that?

Also, it took me less time to resolve that issue than it did to type about it so if you're thinking "god, that must've taken forever" it really didn't.  It cost us an extra 3 minutes because I knew what was going on.  My credit card customer service rep didn't know why it was declining because it was a merchant issue and Panera's employees didn't know because their terminal doesn't tell them.  It was nice to have the answers.  I want to share it.  Sure, that particular instance was more convoluted but there are other things that so many people don't understand about their cards.  So yeah, I want to write some posts that might help.  I'm weird, I know.  Don't judge.

Bridesmaid shopping and Christmas lists

The ladies and I went out for the official bridesmaid dress shopping adventure today.  It was a lot of fun.  I really like the girls my sister selected.  The one who was giving us trouble did not join us and thus must accept the dress we chose so hopefully that will go over okay.  She agreed to that so I really hope so.  As of right now, it looks like I can wear the dress I fell in love with a couple of weeks ago.  The other girls chose a different dress from the same designer but my sister said that she would let me wear something different as I am the Matron of Honor.  I feel kind of bad for the special treatment.  I don't want me sister to do that just to make me happy.  I tried to insist that I would be okay with wearing the dress the other girls chose if that's what she wants but so far she's said it's fine for me to wear my favorite.  They do look nice next to each other but I'll be ready to order either one in case she decides to change her mind.

Upon coming home I took a nap where I had a dream that made me so angry with Dave.  During it, we were in a place like Disney and I wanted to go to a park before it closed but he spent the last three hours gaming with his friends and made me wait under the "it'll be just a couple more minutes" statement.  Of course, by the time he finished the park was closed and I was beyond angry.  In reality Dave was gaming and his computer is in the same room as our bed so that's probably what caused the dream.  When he woke me to tell me he was going to get dinner I had to utilize some self-control to not snap at him or be angry because he did nothing wrong.  I always feel so badly when that happens.  Of course, I was able to wake up and put the whole dream into perspective and go over the anger but I totally hate that.  I suppose it's better than nightmares so I can't complain too much.

I am also sick of watching television.  I watch all the same crap over and over again.   I love my crime shows but they can be depressing.  Dave actually watched one with me and it bothered him a lot.  They can be very depressing and are just downers.  Normally I switch over to HGTV but those shows always make me want to buy a house and I end up looking online and I can't afford a home so it's really a giant waste of time.  When neither of those work, I'll try to find some other crap on demand but really just wasn't in the mood.  Instead I turned on Pandora and listened to Christmas music while making a small Christmas list of things I want for my mother.  She still likes to get us Christmas gifts and I keep telling her that I'm almost 30 and that it is way beyond necessary but I think she truly enjoys it so I tried to list things that I will actually use.  It's still in progress and I want Dave to put some stuff on it too.  My goal is to have it for her by tomorrow night. Still, I can't help but feel selfish and guilty... it's either age or Dave is beginning to rub off on me.

Katie time

After going to therapy I went to visit Katie and Jude.  Oh my, that baby is one of the happiest, most adorable babies ever.  If he saw you smile, he too would get this big smile on his face that just made my heart melt. What's really cool is that you can see both Katie and Jared in his face.  I've never quite seen a baby resemble both parents in that way.  I don't know why that blows my mind in such a way but it does.  Maybe it's because I find how genetics get passed down fascinating.  

Katie and I had a really nice conversation as well about being a mom, potential career paths, and the desire to have a community of friends.  For her, she would love to find some friends with young children.  As much as I love her and try to understand life with a baby, I just don't get it.  How could I?  I don't have children and never have so it's impossible for me to fully know the joys and the struggles that come with raising a child.  For me, the friends that Dave and I have don't live close by and as a result we just don't see each other enough to create that sense of community.   

I don't think I'm making any sense at all and I'm not explaining what we mean by "community" well.  It made sense to us and we both know what we were talking about so that's what matters.  I'm just glad that I got to see her.  I really want Dave and I to hang out with her and Jared a bit more.  

Thoughts

I'm sleepy though I couldn't tell you exactly why.  Probably because I've been doing chores and whenever I begin to do something that overwhelms me I tend to get tired.  Our apartment looks like a bomb hit it.  Jamie wanted to stop by to give me my birthday present and I couldn't let her in because I was too embarrassed.  I've got a few loads of laundry washed and folded (Dave washed and I folded) and they are sitting in piles waiting to be put away.  I'm don't want to do it.  I don't. I don't.  In the end though, I will so I guess that's good.  Wow, can you tell I have absolutely nothing to write about at the moment?

My sister called me to let me know the response of the bridesmaid I wrote the email to last night.  Apparently it didn't go well.  I talked to her a bit today and she told me that they will be talking tonight at 9pm a bit more and I really hope it goes well because Laura deserves it.  Also Jamie came by, picked me up, and took me to Barnes and Nobles today which was excellent.  I got to catch up with her and tell her all about Disney and the things I've been thinking about for a bit but haven't shared.  She was able to do the same.  It was great to see her even if it was only for slightly less than two hours.

I got my hair cut today too so I saw my former boss again for the first time since I quit my job.  I'll be honest.  I was nervous about going.  It's been a month since I quit but I don't really feel like I've accomplished much. In reality though, I have.  I've done a whole lot of thinking regarding future job/school prospects.  I am going to register for that CFP class at BU and I surprised myself by being interested in teaching again.  That's something.  In the end, talking to her was easy and not awkward at all.  So I'm happy about that.  Overall, it's been a good day.  I have therapy tomorrow and who knows what will come out of that.

Objectivity

First day back from vacation and I completed one of my first duties as maid of honor for my sister: I laid down the law with one of the bridesmaids.  Honestly, I had been anticipating problems with this particular person for a while so I knew it was only a matter of time before she created some sort of drama.  So yeah, not so sure how that will go down but we'll know by Saturday.  I might wake up to a scathing email tomorrow but just because my sister might put up with that kind of behavior doesn't mean that I will.  Though I think my sister is sick of her nonsense as well but I really can't speak for her and only on her behalf.

It's interesting how easy it is for me to confront someone who is being demanding and selfish toward my sister but if it is one of my friends doing that I have a greater difficulty.  I wish I could do that with some of the people in my life but I can't.  Yes, I'm honest and normally I will call someone out but there have been so many times that I just come home seething and never actually discuss it with the person who initially caused those feelings.  I avoid them until I get over it or just pretend that it doesn't exist but it does and it's not a good way of dealing with things because inevitably whatever it was that made me upset will probably happen again and again.

I wish I could have that objectivity toward my own life.  It's so easy to give others advice, stand up for others, and think of many alternatives toward someone else's dilemmas but not my own.  Sometimes I wonder what I could achieve with just that simple objectivity: to see a situation for what it is without all those silly feelings muddying up the waters.

Disney Overview

I’m typing this post while flying through the air. I got up to go to the bathroom earlier and I felt like I was walking on air.  In a way, I kind of was: I mean, I’m in an airplane and so I’m not floating but I am walking some 30,000 feet in the air.   Our last day in Disney World went by quickly but we really didn’t do much.  I was okay with that as it made our trip feel more complete and I felt more ready to go home.   In all honesty, I could move to and live in Orlando, Florida pretty easily.  Teaching is a greater possibility here and I’m sure I could find something I could do in the world of Disney.  Even retail would be worth it during the summers to get all the benefits that being a cast member at Disney offers.

Looking back on this trip, we had a good time.  However, I would do things differently if we were to do it again.  It wasn’t a bad Disney trip by any means but it wasn’t my best trip.  I felt more disorganized this trip and kind of all over the place.  I’m glad that my parents have been to Disney before because had this been their first trip ever, I can’t imagine they would consider Disney worth it.  A lot of that had to do with our hotel which was far from “magical.”  I don’t know if we were just there at the wrong time but it was not what I’ve come to expect as a Disney experience.

Pros and Cons to Coronado Springs

    + large spacious room
    + Blu-ray player
    + Cool Doors that separate the bedroom from the bathroom
    + Warm pool with super cool design and slide

    - Customer Service was dismal and not Disney at all (short, curt responses, mistakes, etc)
    - Blu-ray player hooked up with extremely outdated and poor quality RCA connectors (per Dave!)
    - Huge, sprawling resort with multiple bus stop locations that were not logically laid out and required lots of walking
    - Our area was under constant construction, had to navigate around workers
    - Cast members drove these golf carts that gave off horrible fumes
    - My parents door lock broke, took 25- 30 minutes to respond, and didn’t handle it well until complained
    - I found a bug on my towel just as I was about to wipe my face with it (eww)
    - Resort location was not centralized.  Better than the value resorts but only barely

In the end, I felt like we paid a lot more for a slightly lesser experience than what we’ve received in the Value Resorts.  All of these opinions are based solely on this vacation.  Like I said, maybe it would be better at a different time but I’m not going to find out as I will not being staying there again.  We’ll try a different moderate one if we’re trying for a reasonably price vacation but a part of me wants to splurge the next time we go and stay at a Deluxe resort like the Beach Club.  When we visited it this year, we were able to walk to Epcot in the same amount of time it took us to get to our bus stop at Coronado.  We can also walk to Hollywood Studios too.   I just like it more.   I don’t know if Dave and I will splurge ourselves but they offer two- bedroom suites that might work well if we decide to do a family vacation with my parents and my sister to help split the cost.  I loved being there with my parents and missed my sister so I think we will go back all together someday.   Depending on the price and where everyone is financially, I may think about splurging a bit more.

So yeah, we’ll see.  There are so many other places I want to go and so many things I want to do so who knows when we will be back to Disney.

Mission Accomplished

Guess what? This is another short post that I am typing quite literally while waiting for my bathtub to fill with warm water so Dave and I can soak our throbbing feet.  I don't know what it was about today, I don't think we did any extra walking than the other days but my gosh, our feet are killing us.   Maybe it's the result of the cumulative walking done the past few days.  Although today was our last full day we got a late start and came home much earlier than expected.  I don't mind though.  We completed our nightly mission to find a copy of the movie Brave so we can watch it here.  You would think that just about every store in Disney World would carry that new release but we trekked all over the place trying to find it.  In fact, it became a "mission" for Dave so that we continued long after I was willing to call it quits.  It was fun though and memorable and I'm very excited to lay in bed, eat our overly priced snacks, and watch the movie for our last night here in the land of man-made magic.   One more morning and afternoon left!

Missing my Parents!

It's just past 7PM and I've decided to write my post while I wait for the 8:15PM Christmas Parade.  After seeing it the first, we decided to splurge and buy tickets to see it again.  This time we got here before 7PM and were shocked to find that they were letting people in already.  Last time we were here (3 years ago, pre-marriage!!!), they required everyone to exit the park and then reenter.

When we entered this time around, they confirmed and took our tickets for the Very Merry Christmas and gave us wrist bands for the event.  By not forcing everyone out beforehand and allowing people in early meant that where a vast number of people hanging around to watch the parade and the Christmas version of Wishes...all without wristbands, including the family to my right!  It really is no wonder that we didn't get very good seats for the parade the other night.

Unfortunately my parents are currently at the airport and aren't able to enjoy these prime seats.  When we said goodbye to them this afternoon, I began to cry.  I've become horrible at saying goodbye.  The thought that I'll never see them again enters my mind before I can stop and I become a blubbering mess.  Adding to that sadness today was the knowledge that they wanted to stay.

I'm grateful my father is a full time, non-temp employee at a decent company but they only give him 10 days off a year, including sick time.  That's pretty low for what he does.  Because he worked for a year as a temp without a single day off, he took a couple of days off in July when he was hired full time.  Unfortunately he does have the time available to take off to stay longer at Disney.  It is such a shame since I know how hard he works and he deserves it.    There's a part of me that wonders what I did to be able to stay here longer.

I feel like both my mom and dad deserve it way more than I do.  Okay, I'm going to get back to watching small children enjoy themselves.  Oh and they just came by to make sure everyone has wristbands!  A few people had to leave.  Yay for more space!  Yeah!

Lazy POST

So lazy, Dave is posting it and it's a picture-only post!

Short

I'm not writing a post tonight detailing my day.   There's a lot to say and I'm too tired to write about it.   All I want is to soak my sore feet and legs in the tub, dry off, and go to sleep to magical Epcot memories.  Even though I got a super late start due to menstrual mayhem, I was able to get a lot done.   I also had my first alcohol beverage in what feels like ages.  In Disney World with my husband and parents without the worry of being a parent shortly myself... perfection!

The Kingdoms

Another long but great day.  I like days like these and I wish everyday could be like this.  That's a shocker: I want all my days to feel like busy vacation days.  I'm sure I'm the first person to speak words like that...

Anyway, our day was spent our day at the two kingdoms: Animal and Magic.  We did not get to Animal Kingdom first thing in the morning like we hoped due to some menstrual issues on my part last night at 4am.  Still, we were able to get a lot done and the safari today was the best I've ever been on.  There were so many animals!  In fact, we had to stop multiple times to let the giraffes cross the street.  It was so cool and I absolutely loved it.  Whoever said that the best viewing were soon after the park opened and just before the park closed was incorrect by my experiences.  Every year that's what I've done but I didn't do that this year and I got a viewing better than any of those in the past.  I probably just got lucky.   Those who make recommendations like that tend to do it more than once or twice every few years so they probably know more than I do.

We also had dinner at Animal Kingdom Lodge which was beautiful, delicious, and expensive.  My parents took the bill though so I'm not sure what the final amount was but we are getting tomorrow's expensive meal so that makes me feel better.  They said it was part of our birthday celebration but they've been picking up little things here and there throughout the trip and though I appreciate it immensely that's not their responsibility.  Looking forward to tomorrow's dinner too though.

This post is all over the place indicating how tired I am.  Our evening was spent at Magic Kingdom at Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party.  We got a rough start and my menstrual issues had me feeling down but Disney got the best of me.  They added a new piece to their winter show where they project these coolest images onto the castle.  It blew me away and the fireworks were fantastic too.  I'd go into more but I'm so going to bed instead.

Disney!

Wow, I am wiped out.  I’m not all that surprised as we we’ve been up since 3am with only an hour nap.  We all made it to Disney World safely and we are already having a blast.  Between the flight in and the nap, we weren’t able to begin until this evening but we’ve already done a good bit at Hollywood Studios.  Before going into that though, I have to say that this hotel is great.  We are staying at the Coronado Springs Resort and it is beautiful.  I haven’t stayed in a moderate resort since I was a child (before the value resorts existed) and it is so much nicer.

That’s not to say that the value resorts are horrible.  They aren’t but this is a step above and I’m really glad that decided to go here.   We were too tired and it was a bit too cold to enjoy our pool but I’m super excited to use it.  It’s a replica of a Mayan ruin with a giant waterslide running through it.  We have pictures which I’ve posted on Instagram and will post here eventually.  The biggest downer thus far is that the internet is super slow.  I’m writing this in Word and will hopefully be able to actually post it after it’s done.

Okay, I’m falling asleep at my computer here so the rest will be quick.  Tonight we enjoyed Fantasmic and the Osborne Spectacle of Lights before having some good ol’ Earl of Sandwich at Downtown Disney.  Again there are pictures, a lot of them and I will post them asap and let them speak for themselves.   To say that the Christmas lights were beautiful would be an understatement.  The lights, the choreography with the music, the whole experience was breathtaking.  Fantasmic hasn’t changed but is still one of my favorite shows. 

Alright, to bed now for much needed rest.  We will be up early tomorrow for the Animal Kingdom and Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party.  I wish I didn’t need sleep because I want to do it now.

Oh, and it’s Dave’s 30^th Birthday today!  He hit the big 30!  There’s so much more to say but I really can’t.  I just love him so much and am so glad that we are celebrating it here in this magical place. 

Night before vacation

Our bags are packed and my hair is braided into pigtails.  This means that we are officially ready to jetset to DisneyWorld in just over four hours! I'm super excited.  We're going for six nights/seven days and I think this is the lightest I've packed.  I'm getting better.  Well, I did manage to pack for Hawaii in a travel on bag so I guess that would be better since we were gone longer for that trip.  I was thinking that vacations should last as long as one spends waiting for it to arrive.  Maybe that's why they seem to go by so quickly.  You wait for months that seem to go on forever so the five or six days of your vacation go by so fast.   I'm going to really try to stay present during this trip and appreciate every moment.

Sadly I did not get my period today like I hoped.  There was a bit more spotting but nothing.  It's less nerve-wracking in the sense that this is familiar.   The lethargy, spotting, minor cramping, etc were the physical symptoms I was expecting more than ten days ago.  I've packed both pregnancy tests and feminine products.  I've also got plenty of Advil and anti-anxiety meds to help manage the cramping and subsequent panic that tends to come my period.  Hopefully I'll be able to keep it under control and not let it affect the trip but all I can do is wait and see.  As you all know, I'd much rather get it than not.

Alright, I'm up at 3am tomorrow morning to catch our 6am flight so I'm going to head to bed.  My next post will be in Florida!  So excited I'm not going to sleep tonight.

Maybe?

I had some spotting earlier today which is either really good new or really bad news.  I'm going to go with the former.  Sure, women can spot at the very beginning of their pregnancy but my test this morning was negative and I do tend to spot a little bit before getting my period so I'm feeling a little less anxious.  Of course, I won't feel fully relieved until it's actual arrival but I am beginning to think it will come at the most inopportune time.  Hey, if it means I'm not pregnant I guess I'll take it.  I've already been to Celebration hospital down in Disney once and I figure it can't get much worse than going to the hospital.  I've also passed out and threw up at one of the water parks not more than ten minutes after arriving.  Thankfully Jamie, Katie, and Jared are all easy going and were more than supportive during those times.

Luckily I didn't wake up exhausted so I was able to get some shopping and packing done for our trip.  In less than 36 hours I'll be heading to the airport; hopefully with a monthly visit and without any cramps.  My hope is that I get it tomorrow so I can deal with the worst of the cramping before I go.  Whatever, if the cramps can hold off for the plane ride then I should be okay.  It will just be a matter of having to chill in the room for half a day or so while it passes.  Not ideal but I won't be pregnant so I can't complain that much.  Crossing my fingers!

Yeah, not tonight

Okay, I've tried starting this post five or six times now.  I'm clearly not in the mood to write at all.  It's lame and all but I don't care.  I woke up late but I'm tired anyway.  Just not feeling the whole sharing thing.  My thoughts are getting old: pregnancy, period, Disney, and repeat.  So yeah, as I've discussed all of those ad nauseam  I just don't really have anything else to say.  I'm still working on my lifelong bucket list. Maybe I'll post that sometime soon.  Just not tonight.  I'm done with this post tonight.

Giant Sigh

All the plans Dave and I had for today did not end up happening.  We had tickets to go see the new James Bond movie but when push came to shove both of us opted against going.  Sure we had to eat the cost of the tickets but I think we made the right decision.  I've been feeling kind of lethargic lately and just not in the mood to anything except lie around and do nothing.  I'm hoping it's because I've been pretty active recently and not because I'm pregnant.  I took another test today and that came out negative as well; however, I still have no sign of my period so I don't know.  Yes, I normally get lethargic, anti-social, moody, and all sorts of unpleasantness just before I get it but I don't know, I feel like I'm this pre-menstrual crap is going on forever.  

Truth is, I just sort of want to hole up in my apartment with my husband for the next three days until we go to Disney.  I don't want to do anything aside from pack and watch Battlestar Gallactica.  Yes, I know.  Don't judge me.  Dave and I were both wrong in thinking it was going to be really stupid and dumb but now find ourselves hooked.   I know I will have to venture out of my apartment at some point to buy the final supplies needed for our trip but that's really all I want to do.  I hate when I get into these moods.  I like people.  I like our friends.  I don't know why I will suddenly have the compulsive desire to be hermit inside my shell for a week or so and then be fine afterward.  It's weird.  

Really I just want my damn period.  My nerves feel frayed and I think more than anything I'm exhausted from the anxiety of the giant potentially newborn human "what if" answer.  So far I've been able to distract myself but I could really use the help of warm-weather DisneyWorld.  A part of me fears that if I don't get it by then that it's going to hang over us like this giant cloud.  I think I'm ready for myself to be with child.  I mean, as ready as I could possibly be at this point anyway.  A part of me just wants to know and the other part is saying, "you've got one more day of freedom" each time the test comes out negative.  I know I shouldn't look at having a child as a prison sentence but a part of me sort of does.  A baby changes everything.  It rewrites scripts and forces me to start looking at everything in a way I just don't want to yet.  

Things like finding a career I love, trying to save up to buy a home, hell even my relationship with Dave will be irrevocably altered.  In the end, once the child is here or even once I come to terms with the fact that I'm pregnant, I will feel like it's all worth it.  This just isn't how we want this to go.  A baby will be the end of my life as I know it.  It will also be the beginning of everything I may find enriching in my world.  I'm just not ready to make that transition.  I just want to go to bed, stay there as long as I can remain unconscious, and then zone out to television dramas.  I want to be selfish and I think that's why I don't want to socialize.  When you socialize, it can't be all about you.  It has to be about someone else too and all I can think about right now is myself, my husband, and this new family we might or might not be having.   

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me.  Thank you to everyone who called, texted, or sent me a message through Facebook.  It's funny how every year, I fear that no one will post or remember.  People do remember though.  Even people who I don't expect will send a happy wish in my direction today.  It's one of the really cool and interesting aspects of Facebook.

My birthday went well.  I was lazy and just relaxed for most of the day.  Dave and I stayed in bed until the afternoon only getting up to eat.  Eventually we did get out of the house and bought a new purse, wallet, and ski coat at Burlington Coat Factory for me.  Despite it not being all that busy, after that I'd had my fill of shopping.  I'm one of those few people who hate shopping unless it's for books so after that store we ordered pizza and went home to watch a movie.

Overall, it was a good day.  This post doesn't really express all my thoughts from today but it will have to do.

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! Today I am thankful for still my pregnancy test being negative!  Yes, this is going to be mentioned until I know one way or the other.  Anyway, I'm also super thankful for my family.  I spent my Thanksgiving having dinner and dessert at my sister's and future brother in law's house with my parents, and both my grandmothers.  My mother even took over doing the dishes (after spending most of the day cooking) so I could listen to my grandmother's tell stories of their pasts.

Listening to them can put things into perspective.  It makes these whole pregnancy fears seem petty.  My grandmother had four children by my age.  They also talked about how the siblings they lost during a time when infant mortality rates were far higher than today.  I can't imagine losing a child.  How a simple diarrhea outbreak could shorten so many lives and cause such lasting memories and pain.  Really, if I am pregnant all I'll want is to have a healthy baby and a healthy family.  That's what most important to me.  More than anything.  It makes you realize the sheer magnitude of having children or being able to purposely delay having children all the more.

My mother and the youngest of my aunts were not planned by my grandparents but my grandmother doesn't regret it at all.  She talks about how it certainly caused some anger at first especially with my aunt.  She already had five children, one about to go to college.  The only form of "birth control" she used was what she called the "religious roulette" otherwise known as the rhythm method.  She got pregnant with my aunt while she was menstruating which doesn't happen easily; you're supposed to be okay during that time.  I can completely understand their frustration at the time.  Restricted by their devote faith and the demands of the much stricter church, she was made to feel guilty about even practicing the rhythm method.

Like I said, she wouldn't change anything and she is more than grateful for my mom and my aunt.  Still, I can't help but be super thankful for the fact that I have been able to practice "safe" sex.  That is accepted and even expected today.  I'm so happy and grateful to talk to my grandmothers and mother who not only understand my anxiety but also helped to give me better perspective about it.

Not yet

I took another pregnancy test this morning.  If I am pregnant, the hCG pregnancy hormone isn't high enough to register yet.  Tomorrow, I'll take another one.  Yes, I know I should wait a few more days before taking yet another test but if I am pregnant I want to know as soon as possible.  The owners of the pregnancy tests will be happy as I will be giving them more and more of my money until I either get a positive reading or I get my period.  A part of me wonders if the test will be positive on my 28th birthday as God's way of saying, "Happy Birthday."  If not, then possibly on Wednesday which is Dave's birthday.

The pregnancy came with a tracker that estimates the baby's due date based on your last missed period.  If I am pregnant then I'll be due around July 20th.  If our child is born before July 22, he or she will be born under the zodiac sign of Cancer.  It's one of the only signs I don't want my child born under.  Cancers are super sensitive and close up emotionally when hurt by verbal daggers. Dave and I are notorious for throwing these daggers without even realizing.  He and I are not overly sensitive people.  Sure, there are times when I overreact but for the most part I don't take things very seriously.  We're Sagittariuses; verbal daggers are what we're known for.  I know this is stupid to be thinking about but I've always found astrology interesting and somewhat accurate.  I don't really take any stock in it but I do kind of.

God, I'm so not ready to have a baby.  Not yet please!

Still waiting

So my period is officially five days late.  This normally wouldn't concern me except that I don't have any of the physical PMS symptoms.  Sure, I've been overemotional and moody but physically nothing.  None of my usual symptoms have appeared: no spotting, tenderness, lethargy, nothing.  It's these PMS symptoms that have me more worried than normal.  I took a pregnancy test yesterday which was negative and opted not to take one today.  I'll try again tomorrow morning.

Being pregnant is no longer the same sort of terrifying prospect that it used to be for me.  At this point, if I am I more than accept it.  It would not be ideal timing nor would I plan it like this but Dave and I have talked about how we would welcome a little one into our family without hesitation.  It is super unlikely as we haven't stopped using protection so if I am, I feel like this baby is meant to exist.  If I am, I'll be using all my free time to go about researching what to expect, choosing my preferences, and reading about all things pregnancy/baby related.

Just the idea that I could be pregnant and that I know I will be keeping it seems to change everything in my thinking.  I'm extra observant about the little things.  I've refused all offerings of alcohol, thought about the food I've eaten, and hesitated/not taken over the counter medications that I would have popped without thinking.  In addition, holding Wyatt this weekend felt different.  Holding him, I couldn't help but think I might have one of my own sooner than expected.  In addition, it's got me thinking about "settling down" and actually purchasing a home.  Our tiny apartment will suffice with an infant but really it we would need something more after a year or so.  So yeah, now I'm looking at buying a home and possibly having a baby and I'm beginning to wonder if quitting my job was the wisest choice.  If I am pregnant, do I go back to work?  I honestly don't know.

All this being said, I still doubt that I am.  I'm thinking/hoping that it was just the change in my diet that's throwing things off.  I'm not on birth control which makes my periods super irregular and it hasn't been 35 days yet.  Dave is convinced that I'll get it on the plane on the way to Disney.  He's probably right.  I haven't felt any PMS symptoms but I also haven't felt any early pregnancy symptoms either.  In fact, I feel pretty great but that's not unheard of with certain women.  Everyone is different.  Until I get my period though, I'm going to be taking quite a few pregnancy tests (at least until one reads positive).  It's out of my control now.  All I can do is test, wait, and try to wrap my head around the potential.

Really Stupendous Title

A ballerina created delirious euphoria from gesticulating horribly. I've just kept leaving my nosy opinions plainly quiet. Really someone thought up vanity with X-ray yodeling zestfully

Sleepy

I'm so tired right now.  I got out of my bath and all I want to do is lay down, close my eyes, and drift off into sleep.  We got back rather late from my parents where we made tentative plans for our trip to Disney.  It's only 10 days away!  I need a trip, for sure.  Aside from that, not sure what else to write about.  We've decided to modify our diet.  For the last fourteen days we've gone without carbs and today we had our first serving of wheat toast.  This elimination of a whole food group thing is not really all that sustainable.   We did it.  Dave lost fourteen pounds in the process.  I've lost five in total as I didn't lose any this week.  Oddly enough, I'm okay with it.  We're still going to try and make decent choices and thoughtfully approach our meals but dieting is not how I want to do things long term.  It was a great jump start and we may need it again in the future but I think just healthy eating will suffice from here on in.

Self Loathing

The fact that Dave is so honest is a double-edged sword sometimes.  I totally appreciate it and would rather him be honest with everything.  If he is, then I know that whatever opinion he has about something is real and not a guess at what he thinks I'm going to like.  That Sagittarius brutal honesty though can be just that: brutal. Like tonight when we were driving home from a friend's 30th birthday party and he said that I was the second prettiest girl there.  I hate that I can't let it roll of my back like when he told me earlier that I do look better without my glasses.  No, I'm not the oversensitive type but his comment tonight was just like "zing, he thinks your second best."   It doesn't help that this girl kind of looks like me (only prettier), is a third grade teacher, and a dance teacher.  She's the me I want to be but can't because I'm a failure.  

Yes, I do still look at the fact that I'm not a teacher as a giant failure. Not all the time.  There have been times I've been able to put it into perspective.  It's true though.  I failed that student teaching and have allowed that experience to color the rest of my life.  Hell, here I am thinking I can be a writer instead because that's easier... I'm just fooling myself.  I can't teach, I can't write, I can't handle a damn call center job.  I'm fat and hairy and unfashionable.  Oh yeah, and completely mentally unstable.  I'm sure there's more but that's all I can bear to think about right now.  I'm going to go take a bath and try to will my period to come because I'm  sick of the pms.  Not to mention that I'd probably fail at being a mother and my kid will end up becoming a serial rapist or something.  

Productive

I found the trick to make me productive!  Dave just needs to write me out a "Honey Do List" and I do it.  I don't even think about not doing it.  The fact that I want to do these things doesn't seem to be enough.  His asking me though, that's a whole different story.  It's like, "I need to do this.  Dave does so much for me so this is nothing!"  Last night, he asked me to do a couple of things today and I told him to write them down.  I then placed it right where I would see it when I woke up and then did it all without thinking.  It felt good to have a plan and to follow through with that plan.  Eventually these might become habits and maybe I'll be able to do them without the request of my husband but right now that doesn't even matter. 

It took Dave all of 2 minutes to write my list and as a result, I refilled my prescription, did the the dishes and laundry, had my oil changed and battery replaced, called about getting new contacts, and made sure I ate properly.  In addition, I also met my hospice patient for an hour and got an amazing massage (not at the same time, that would be weird).  Overall, I'm very happy with the way the day went.  I can only hope that next week I can do the same thing.  

Routine

Finally went to the therapy this morning which felt good.  She never cancels but she had to cancel twice this last time.  It's not as big of a deal now.  There was a time that I would count down the days to when I would see her again.  From the moment I left her office I'd start counting until the next appointment.  It was bad and it's nice not to be in that kind of "crisis" anymore.  We talked a lot about my almost two weeks without a job.   She seems pretty happy with everything though she did stress the importance of my finding and sticking to a particular routine.

We briefly talked about the teaching interest that crept up last night only just touching upon my first student teaching experience.  I have a feeling that this is going to be an ongoing topic as I try to determine where to go from here.  Honestly, I feel a bit lost but I guess that's to be expected.  I mean, I really didn't expect to quit my job and have my life's dreams and aspirations line up in a row for me to just pick up.  Still, some clarity would be nice.

Again, it is a time for patience.  I just need to find patience.  Right now I need to work on establishing a routine then we can see where we can go from there.

No title tonight.

Okay, I'm going to type this super fast.  In the process of trying get Dave to go to bed, I decided I wanted to do the same but I can't until I bust this thing out so this will be short and stupid like some of the more recent ones.  I felt super clingy today for some unknown reason.  All day I just wanted Dave to come home and I felt really needy.  It's not normal.   My theory is that I felt guilty as a result of my antics last night and I'm pmsing again.  Seriously, these months move so quickly.  He said that I wasn't nearly as bad as I thought I was last night.  He's so incredibly forgiving and tolerant.  I suppose that would be a necessity of anyone who wanted to marry me.

Speaking of marriage and weddings.  Meg at a Practical Wedding is looking to hire an unpaid intern and I think I'm definitely going to apply.  It would be an amazing learning experience if I was the one she selected especially when it comes to the back end of writing a profitable blog.  Another weird thing, I found myself looking at the Burlington School website to about possibly substituting again.  It was only two days ago that I told Jamie's mom that I didn't think I would go back to it but honestly, why the hell not?  I can work basically on my own terms as I don't have to always go in when they call me.  I'm thinking about it.  Still doubt my desire to be a teacher but I don't know.  I'm still a work in process.  Maybe it was fear preventing me from teaching?  Maybe it is just a passing desire.  All I can do is take it one day at a time.  It will work itself out.

1st World Problems

So far, the last nine days of the diet have gone well.  We've been able to stick to it.  I've even managed eating out a couple of times without indulging in the stuff not on the plan.  Someone recently asked me if I wanted to kill anyone yet and I've been able to respond with a confident no.  Until tonight.  Tonight I threw a massive temper tantrum and truly wanted to destroy things.  A word to anyone dieting, do not go see Wreck-it Ralph.  Don't even think about it.  It is an evil, evil movie to anyone dieting and though I enjoyed it, it left me craving all kinds of candies, oreos, devil dogs.  In that regard, the movie was awful and it sent me into a rage later when we were walking through Stop and Shop and Dave refused to let us buy any of those wonderful things.

Seriously, I began throwing a temper tantrum and left the store in an angry pout.  I couldn't help but think of myself as a small five year old and that only made me angrier.  This diet has reduced me to a small child!  I was both thankful that Dave was able to resist the temptation and I was livid.  It was awful complete with the slamming of doors, throwing shoes, and screaming at no one in particular.   I was hungry and I wanted to eat what I wanted.  I was sick of this stupid diet and how the hell did I let myself get to this point where the only thing that seems to work is this damn diet.  How did I gain so much weight?  What the hell?  I just that tiny Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Sundae.  I felt like Wreck-it Ralph himself.

Dave stayed away and cut me a cucumber while I opted to zone out to Dr. Mario rather than destroy the stuff in the apartment.  When he left to take out the trash, he asked me not to break anything and that he'd be right back and all I could do was grunt.  The cucumber at least took the edge off the hunger but it was no sundae.  Dr. Mario took did calm me down a bit and I'm feeling a lot better.  I'm also super thankful to Dave for not letting me cheat and for tolerating my rage.  He's the best.

Snippit

I'm not really in the mood to write tonight.  I guess it's that I don't have much to talk about.  I spent the day with Jamie which was fantastic.  We went on a long walk, talked, and I gave her birthday to her.  If I ever win the mega millions, I buying land where I will build many homes or a bunch of condos. Then I'm inviting all of my and Dave's closest friends and family to come live in those homes.  That way, we could all see each other more frequently.  I've talked to Dave about this and he agrees that this is a fabulous way to spend our mega millions.

On a sort of unrelated note, I need to create a bucket list.  Well, I don't need to but it's certainly something I want to do.  Everyone has a list of things they want to do and I want to create mine.  That will be my task for tomorrow, I think.   I'm going to bed.

Week One Results

We completed our very first week of dieting so it only makes sense to share my results.  After one week, I've lost a total of 4.8 pounds or 2.97% of my body weight.  A part of me was a bit disappointed by this as I've been on and off the scale throughout the week and have received far better results.  Still, I tried to make sure that we did our measurements and took pictures at the exact same time that we initially took them so they could be most accurate.  I should be happy with almost five pounds and I am.  I just wished I hadn't stepped on the scale so often during the week.  For this week, I must definitely avoid the scale along with the carbs.

In addition, my body fat percentage is now lower and my total body water percentage has increased.  Both are good.  Our measurements aren't exact as we are just using a scale and not one of those devices you seem in the gym.  In addition, I seemed to lose an inch in my waist, hips, and chest which I'm also happy about.  I know it seems like I'm not all that excited about these losses and like I said, I think it's just disappointment over the prior readings on the scale.  I know it's stupid and irrational to be wish for more and that it just requires some patience.

It didn't take me a week to put on 30 pounds and it certainly is going to take some time to get rid of it all but patience has never been my forte.  I've had a great start and I need to just keep going.  If I stick with this and continue to be diligent with my food choices I can go back to eating more freely.  The more work I do now, the sooner I get to where I want to be.

Sisterly bonding

More bridesmaid dress shopping today.  Honestly, I'm really enjoying it.  I didn't really get to do with my own bridesmaids as I immediately choose the designer, the color, the length, and then joined my bridesmaids individually as they tried them on.  In the weddings I've been in, there really weren't any bridesmaid shopping outings.  I did go for a couple with Jamie which were a lot of fun but I wasn't in the best place mentally at the time so it felt different then.  Anyway, I found a dress that I absolutely love.  I love it in the way that I wish I had some sort of overly formal affair to attend that would justify me buying it outright.  Sadly, I don't.

Of course, it was a different designer from the rest we were looking at and the bridal shop didn't have my from that designer so it was hard to tell if the other girls might find something (it was only my sister, my mom, and me shopping today).  Luckily their website is awesome and you can go online, search the dresses, and then find out exactly which shops carry the specific dresses you are looking for.  Alfred Angelo makes it so much easier having their own dedicated store.  Anyway, I did find one place in Wayland that carries just about every dress we are looking to have the other bridesmaid try on.  In addition, I'm made a list of all the salons that carry the other designer we are looking for so that I could contact them to find out if they have the specific dresses we are looking for.

Hopefully, we will find something that will work for everyone soon.  We have a date set to have the whole gang of us go shopping.  Laura and I have just been trying to narrow it down.  I think we've done that.  So my hope is that we can go to Wayland that day, see what everyone thinks, and then look at the others if they don't like any of his styles.  Of course, I hope that they do but this wedding isn't about me and I will proudly wear whatever my sister would like me to wear.  Luckily I have a really wonderful sister who isn't going to put me in an awful dress so I'm not really worried.  We haven't made a decision yet, but I've really bonded with my sister during these visits so I'm really glad done so much.

Feeling Better

I felt so much better today.  Last night I crashed around 9, woke up at midnight then at 1, decided to just get out of bed for a bit, went back to bed around 3, and awoke again around 8:30.  Despite the night being disjointed, I felt well rested and ready to take on the day.  I met Dave for lunch, went for a drive, stopped by my parents, then met Dave, Becky and Feis for dinner.  Afterward we stopped at Trader Joe's and Bed, Bath, and Beyond where we purchased some veggie burgers (to eat without the bun), Kifir, a salad spinning thing, and new bed sheets.  Our current sheets are a bit too cold for this time of year so I really wanted new flannel ones. I loved the old ones that we've used for years but they're a bit worn at this point.  In addition, we found a great duvet cover on sale so we got that too. 

We are now on day five on our diet and so far we are doing well.  I've lost about seven pounds thus far though it's fluctuated a bit.  It's working but it's so hard.  We walked by so many different popcorn makers in Bed, Bath, and Beyond.  Seriously they had them randomly scattered throughout the store.  It wasn't cool.  I've also found myself purposely avoiding places because I don't want to be tempted.  I won't go to the mall because I'm afraid of wanting to eat the pretzel I've been craving.  I'm reluctant to go to the movies because I know I'm going to want popcorn.  I've thought about going to Jordan's but they I'll be craving the ice cream the entire time.  It made me realize just how often I would crave something and then eat it.  We also discussed how we would totally pig out at this time of the night too.  It's true.  We have so many bad habits and it is super arduous trying to break them.  

My hope is it will be easier as time goes on.  

Blegh

I just got home from trying on bridesmaids dresses with my sister and Sarah.  It was fun and we found some potentials.  I wish I had more fancy events to attend.  I enjoy trying on these kinds of dresses.  Okay, I had great time with my sister tonight but aside from that today was just a pile of crap and I just need to write what I'm feeling.   I slept late, had some difficult dreams and woke up feeling frustrated, irritated, and kind of angry for no reason at all.  I then got annoyed at feeling that way.  Spending time with my sister was a wonderful respite from that; however, on the drive home I found myself feeling super exhausted which didn't make any sense since I slept in.  It's just been a bad day and I want to go back to sleep.  Poor Dave always ends up getting the brunt of it too and he never deserves it.  Regardless, I think I need a do over for today and the best way to do that is to give in to the exhaustion and try again tomorrow.