lobster, olympics, babies

With lobster at a ridiculously low price of $3.99/lb, my dad really wanted me to buy some for dinner.  He knows I love lobster and due to it's usual expensive cost don't get to eat it very often.  What he didn't know was that I've never actually eaten a whole lobster by myself.  When I go out to eat, I get the "lazy man" lobster that requires no work at all and when I'm at home I'm normally just take the pieces my dad, Ben, or Dave's mom might toss my way.  Dave doesn't eat lobster and I knew he had zero interest in cracking it open to retrieve the meat for me.  So I determined that it was a grand time to go home and visit my parents. I haven't seen them in a while and it was a very good excuse.  My dad tried to teach me how to eat a lobster but after I tried my hand at it, I determined that I will leave to other people to get me the meat.   I just couldn't get the hang of it and seeing all the inner parts messed with my head.

Afterward, we watched the Olympics.  The girls gymnastics and the men's swim was on tonight which is always my favorite to watch though I also enjoy diving, synchronized swimming, and a couple of others.  Though I doubt anyone who reads this cares enough about it but I don't want to give away the results just in case.  I actually heard it listening to NPR before I watched it but that was okay.  I don't know the sports well enough for it to matter when I watch.  I don't know the intricacies to be able to determine my own idea of who should win medals.  It's not like figure skating.  Speaking of my mom and I are going to go see a skating show that a friend from college organized or helped organize on Saturday.   We also spent a good time talking about my getting back into it.  Turns out the man who I bought my skates from and who is awesome is also a coach at the Stoneham Skating club.    It's got me thinking.

In other news, another one of my wedding guests had her baby girl today.  Thankfully, she posted pictures of Facebook and she is absolutely adorable.  Summer of 2012 has turned into a mini baby boom for my social sphere.  I love it.  BABIES EVERYWHERE!

Stupid Contact

Dave and I went to another therapy session today.  He took the day off because of the concert last night so we got to spend the morning together before I went to work.  This included him joining me for another therapy session.  It was pretty cool to have him able to go to the one right after our last one together because we got to utilize some of the skills that we went over last week.  Our session today consisted almost entirely about the incident that happen earlier in the week where Dave made a horrible comment and I was oversensitive.  It was an interesting session.

Gah, my eye is super dry or something because I can't stop itching it.  I need to take this contact out and maybe go to bed.

Coldplay

Waking up this morning was difficult and I relished the nap I took after work but before the concert.  Thank goodness we had the time that I could quickly rejuvenate myself or I might not have enjoyed Coldplay as much as I did.  Really, I couldn't be happier with how the show went and everyone else seemed to agree with me.  Though we were much further up and on the side of the Garden than the last time we went I think we actually had better seats.  Sure, we couldn't watch the show from straight on but that wasn't an issue at all.  In fact, our side seats brought us closer and it was far cooler.

When we arrived we were handed these large bracelets and told that they would light up during the concert.  I must admit we were all wary about them at first.  They were the most comfortable things in the world and I heard other people expressing their misgivings in addition to our group.  However, when the concert finally started, the entire place went dark with the exception of our wristbands blinking a variety of different colors.  It was like Christmas with thousands of blinking lights.  Turned out that they were some of the coolest parts of the show.

Unlike the last concert, we found ourselves standing for the majority of it moving our bodies to the music and singing along as loudly as we could.  Feissal and Becky were next to us and they totally added to our excitement and energy within the arena.  As always, what moves me most during these concerts is when the huge mass of people in the stands sing along to the songs.  It's so unreal and powerful.  I can't imagine what it must be like for the artists performing who crafted the song not knowing if it would ever be a success.   Even after the concert on the way to train, the huge mass that we were exiting with just began singing a part of a song.   It was really awesome and surreal.

Honestly, it was worth every penny and I'm so glad we went with Feissal, Becky, and Johnny.   It would have been fun just Dave and me but there are certain things that are just better with others- like a Coldplay concert at the Garden.

Day with Dabey

It's really late and I'm wishing that I didn't have to work tomorrow morning.  On the bright side, we're going to see Coldplay tomorrow night so I just have to get through my shift.  Today was a good day.  We slept in together which is rare and we went on a "day date" which consisted of us driving around aimlessly for hours.  Well, it wasn't entirely aimless, I suppose.  Redfin is an iPhone app that allows you to view the houses that are on sale in your area.  As you drive it updates the location of the search.  Thus, we spent many hours driving around checking out what was on sale.   This does not mean we are actually house hunting.  We cannot afford to buy a house nor do we want to right now.  However, it does give us the chance to check out potential neighborhoods or house styles that we may consider some day in the future.  

At some point we ended up in Cambridge on Third St. which was right near where my mother grew up.  I couldn't remember exactly where so I called her and she directed us to her childhood home on 2nd St.- hey, I was close.  We parked and spent some time walking the streets that were her backyard and playground growing up.  Really, it's a great location.  My grandmother and my mom might not agree as  they actually had to live there but it really is ideal if you work in the city.  The Cambridgeside Galleria is right there too so we checked that out as well and got some late lunch/early dinner.  I'm assuming my mother took me there when I was little but if so I don't remember it.  It was cool to explore the mall though the amount of security was a bit unnerving and reminded me that malls are actually one of the top terrorist targets in the country.  

Not long after we left the skies opened and it began to downpour so we returned home.  Dave has been wanting me to watch the Batman movies forever and a while ago I mentioned that they were great movies to watch during a rainstorm.  He remembered and with the evening free we decided to see both movies again.  Honestly, I don't know what my deal was when I initially watched them.  I really liked them.  I think a lot of it had to do with the second one and where I was psychologically when I watched it.  Ironically, having watched it now knowing so much more about criminal psychology and serial killers made it less frightening in a way.

When I initially saw it back in 2007, I hadn't had my breakdown.  I spent my days blissfully suppressing what happened to me and ignorant of it's psychological ramifications.  A character like the joker disturbed me; I couldn't understand someone like that and it ate at me in a way I didn't appreciate.   Since my mental meltdown, I've spent countless hours studying criminals.  It doesn't disturbed me any less but I have a far better understanding now.  Also, I looked at from a writer's standpoint and making less emotional than the initial viewing.   I did enjoy it far better than I remembered this time around and it might just be that I was in a better mood when I watched it.  Either way, I think I would like to see the next one and it saddens me that the joker is probably not going to be in it.  In many ways, I hope he won't because Heath Ledger did play the role great and their attempt to change the actress who played Rachel really didn't work for me so I hope they don't do that with the joker.

I really should get to bed.  Stupid work.

Opening Ceremonies

Happy Opening Ceremonies for the 2012 Olympics!  I'm a huge fan of the Olympics as everyone know and even though I did have to work, our awesome DVR allowed us to not miss it.  Sure it's about three hours later than when it originally aired but that's okay.  I shielded myself well from what to expect tonight which is always great because it was truly a surprise.   Of course, it would be hard for them to compete with China but I think they did alright.   There were a lot of parts of it that I really enjoyed particularly the shift into the Industrial Revolution.  Other parts I'm wasn't entirely impressed with but I doubt that I was who they were aiming to impress.

I'm typing this post as they parade of nations are entering.  I really love watching this part every year despite it getting a little boring at time.  I like the costumes and always wish I could understand what walking into the Olympic stadium must be like.  When I was a little girl, before I understood how impossible the Olympic dream was, I used to dream about walking among fellow athletes with some of the world's greatest names surrounding us.  Eh, I'm so distracted while trying to write this that I'm just going to stop. I'm not sure if any of this has made any sense.

Hair Cut

Tonight I had my boss give me a haircut.  Unusual, yes but she did a great job.  My immediate boss at work also works one night a week as a hair dresser in the neighboring town.  Over the last four years I've worked for her I'd see other coworkers come in with the haircuts she gave them.  Recently though (about a month or so ago) I realized just how badly I needed a haircut of my own.  I hadn't received one since my wedding so I was in some desperate need.  Because I don't have a stylist nearby I decided to look around which turned out just to be super overwhelming.  Finally, on Monday I just decided to ask her.  She not only said yes but gave me an appointment for tonight.

Already my hair feels so much better.  I'm really glad I've finally gotten it.  My boss was actually really great too.  I mean, she's a great boss in general and has been super understanding about everything I'm going through.  It's just strange to think of your boss in corporate America can also give you a great hair style.  She listened to me and went easy on the layers knowing I'd had a bad experience with them.  She wanted to do a bit more but knew that it would be best for me to leave liking it and trusting her for later.   I even scheduled an appointment for six weeks from now which I never do.   Overall I'm very happy with it and am really glad I finally decided to do it.

Quick post

This is going to be a quickly written post.  I'm just not feeling like writing tonight.  I spent a bit longer listening to my music tonight and I want to go to bed.  I think I've got a mild cold and I want it gone so I can hopefully see Katie Friday--if she's available, that is.  I actually haven't talked with her since when I cancelled on her on Tuesday.  So yeah, I want to get plenty of sleep (which we all know I have zero difficulty with) so that sore throat that comes and goes, goes for good.

On a more productive note, I did some solid work in the Depressed and Anxiety Workbook that I got.  I'm really trying to make an effort to get better and I know that in order to do some proactive work toward it.   I've gone through the book as a whole and established "dates" that I want to get certain sections accomplished.  Don't worry, I've given myself plenty of time and room to complete it.  I know how quickly I can give up on things that overwhelm me.  So yeah, I made a decent dent tonight which has me feeling good.

Sensitive

Most of the time I love the fact that Dave is always so honest.  I know where he stands about all things.  Normally I can take the brutal honesty with a grain of sand but today I must be overly sensitive.  I guess I didn't expect it or ask for it and therefore wasn't prepared to hear what I already know to be the truth.  More than that, it's affected me entirely.  My whole mood has shifted.  I'm upset but I don't want to show it.  I value Dave's honesty and I don't want to "punish" him for providing it.  Still, I'm at a loss as to how to handle it within me.  My hope is that by the time I wake up tomorrow I'll be more reasonable and less emotional.

I was supposed to visit Katie today but I woke up with this sore throat.  I thought it was just dry at first.  My allergies can cause that pretty regularly but no matter how much water I tried to swallow, that ache still persisted.   It's not bad really.  More annoying than anything.  I can still talk, eat, drink, and swallow without much pain.  Otherwise, I feel okay and I went to work.  But there is a little boy in the mix now.  I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I went to visit knowing that I could be sick and have him catch it.  How do the newborn nurses do it?  I mean, they must go to work somewhat sick like the rest of us.  Are they just not allowed contact with the babies?  Or maybe I'm just overly worried about it.  I don't know but I'd rather err on the side of caution.

Hopefully, I'll be able to see her later in the week though.

News

Sometimes I dislike the public viewing of this personal journal.  There are times when I want to discuss  something that happened but since it didn't happen directly to me I can't.  What happens in the lives of my friends also affect my emotions and thoughts of the day.  When something good happens for one of them I feel like my day was made better as a result.  When something heartbreaking happens, my heart breaks as well.  Of course, I don't feel the emotions the way they do especially if it's not something I've ever experienced myself but still I feel a portion of it.   Yes, I'm entirely self-focused and  selfish at times but I truly, truly want the best for all of my loved ones.  I hurt when they hurt.  When something happens in there lives that is a big deal, I want to write about it because it's on my mind and in my heart.  This is when good and bad happens.  However, because it's not my story to tell I don't feel comfortable discussing it where others can read about it without their consent.

For example, I was bursting with happiness the day Katie had her little boy.  He was the first baby I held in my arms since I was maybe 10 years old.  There were so many emotions racing through me that day and the day I met him.   I wanted to run home and write all about it.  I wanted to write about him, Katie, Jared, and my own feelings.  But I didn't have the baby.  They did.  It was their news to share at their discretion.  I couldn't just come out here and start running my tongue.   It's not my place.   There's a part of me that wishes I had written a little something that I kept for myself so I could go back to it later.  Just because I can't post it online doesn't mean I can't write about it for myself and lock it away privately.  I should have done that then and I should probably do that now but it's so easy to express it verbally to someone and not take the time to put the words down on paper.  Maybe I'll get better at that someday.

In my own news, Dave joined me for my therapy appointment today.  I was really glad he came and got to meet the woman who has really helped me through so much.  It was also nice to discuss my panic attacks and depression slumps with him present.  He feels so helpless at times and I hate that I push him away when I need him most.  It was good for us to go over coping skills.  There are so many times when he asks me, "What would your therapist say?"  This was a good chance to go over some of those situations and get her perspective.  In the end though we both realized that it really all comes down to me.  It's what can I do to help myself rather than what can he do to help me.  I don't know if that makes any sense.  Anyway, it was really nice that he was there.  I have such an amazing and wonderful husband.

"At the end, who am I living for?"

When Dave asked if I wanted to go see Katy Perry's movie tonight I was a bit surprised.  He genuinely seemed interested and although I never would have gone if he hadn't asked it was actually really good.  I laughed, I cried, I felt moved, and inspired.  Normally I avoid all sorts of celebrity gossip with only a couple exceptions and rarely learn more about an artist than their music.  Dave's the opposite.  When he finds an artist he enjoys he like learning about them and what inspires their music.  Really, the movie was a lot better than I expected and my respect for Katy as a musician and artist definitely increased.  I can relate to her in some ways and I couldn't help but cry with her when she was crying.

Dave and I discussed a part where despite her being an emotional wreck and completely exhausted she pushes herself to get on stage and perform her concert.  Despite everything going wrong at the time, she knew she had thousands of fans who spent money to come see her and were perhaps looking forward to seeing her concert for weeks or months.  Cancelling the show wasn't an option for her even though her personal life was collapsing around her.  I don't envy what she was going through by any means and I did cry with her feeling for her completely and admiring her strength.

Still, I couldn't help but wish I had a career that meant something to me.  In all honesty no one really depends on me.  Anyone can pick up the phone and answer questions after a couple of weeks of training.  No one is calling to speak with me specifically.  If I call in, I'm easily replaced.  I do nothing special and my being at work specifically makes things only slightly easier for my coworkers.  Even when I was placing new accounts on the system, it made it easier to force myself to get to work because I knew I was the only one who knew how to do it.  If I didn't go in that day, didn't put those accounts on the system, I was stalling someone's ability to make more money and earn a living.  It is nice to be needed and to feel like you are actually doing something.  I don't get that in my current job.


Oddly enough, watching the movie today made me realize just how important it is for me to find something that drives me to push forward even during the worst of times.   

The next day

I was up super early this morning probably due to all the sleep I got yesterday from my meltdown.  Now it's only 8pm but I'm so sleepy.  Not that being sleepy this early is a bad thing since I'm up early again tomorrow but it's weird.   I am feeling a lot better than I was, thank goodness.  Seriously though I'm done with all of this.  I need to stop.  I need to try and take some more control over my healing.  I need to maybe not be so accepting of my setbacks.  I think it's time for me to stop trying and just start doing.  I mean, I spent years trying to write on a daily basis but it wasn't until I made the full on commitment and just started doing it that it really clicked.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm always going to be here stuck in the never ending oscillation of anxiety and depression.  I fear that I'm never going to be able to hold down a job or function normally ever again.  I know that is an extreme thought and that I will eventually be able to get back in control of the situations.  Still, it's hard to remember.  I so badly want it to be like a light switch that I can just turn off not that it's been switched on.  Ahh well, I'll figure it out I guess.  I just really hope it happens soon.

Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety and Depression are cruel siblings.  They come together many times and they take over your life.  You fight them and they seem to fight back harder.  Like family, once they enter your life you can't ignore them.  They will always be part of you and you either learn to deal with them and try and make some peace or you live in family strife for years to come.  If they spend too much time in your shadow they will not let it slide.  They will do something big to make sure you pay attention like wait until you are feeling really good on your way to work.  While you are driving in your car stuck in some traffic grooving to the music coming through your car speakers, they will strike: hard and fast.  

Then just like that you are a mess.  The lighthearted carefree and fun music on the radio mocks you.  The traffic suffocates you.  There is no where to run and no where to get off the road.  It hits with full forces.  Driver who pass by glance at you quizzically possibly trying to figure out why there are tears streaming down your face and why you might be slamming you fist against the steering wheel.  You try calling your husband multiple times who can't answer because he is working.  Meanwhile, your throat feels like it is closing and it's hard to breathe.  The hand being hit against the wheel begins to tingle.  You foot alternating between the gas and the brake also starts to tingle.  

You try to breathe.  You need to let work know that you are unraveling at the seams but you don't trust your voice.  That and you know that if they know you are in your car they will more than like call an ambulance for your safety.  Maybe you can pull it together.  You take some the medication specifically meant for these circumstances swallowing it with warm water from your car.  It doesn't go down easily between the sobs, the shaking, and the heat of the water but you get it down.  Still, in the parking lot of your job you know you aren't going to make.  Now you definitely can't call.  They will send help.  

Sadly that kind of help is useless.  They drive you to a hospital, give you some oxygen to get your breathing back on track, and then leave you in the hallway.  They know and you know.  This isn't life threatening.  It would be a waste of a run.  They will have you sit there until you've calm down enough to go home except that your car will be at work.  You'd have to call someone to come pick you up.  With the traffic you were stuck in, they would get there for hours.  No, calling work at that moment is out of the question.  Completely out of the question.  You just need to get home so you turn your car around.  

You're not sure about driving but sitting there could cause alarm.  Your coworkers will be leaving and arriving and they might see.  Someone else make attempt to try to help.  They would mean well but again all the help they could provide would be probably make things worse.  Finally, your husband calls you back.  The medication is beginning to work.  He asks what he can do.  You ask that he call work and hear him sigh heavily.  He's frustrated.  With the panic subsiding the self-loathing takes over.  Hatred.  Sheer, unadulterated hatred at yourself.  

You come home and you feel the pain.  The physical pain from period cramps and a killer sinus headache.  You reach out for relief in more medication and collapse on the couch.  It's at this point that you are most vulnerable to depression's infliction.  You feeling useless, worthless, completely incapable of handling life.  Its painful knowledge is worse than the physical pain and deeper.   Too deep to even produce more tears.  Instead, detachment provides the only release.  You feel your soul lift from your body.  It lingers above the empty shell of your body.  It watches you and it waits.  It will reenter when your depression realizes that it can't get to you anymore and begins to subside.  

Anxiety and Depression are faceless thieves.  They steal your life from you and you wonder when you'll find the strength to reclaim from them.  

Sunday- only it's really Thursday

Today is Thursday but it feels like Sunday.  I was at work at 7am this morning like I do on Sundays.  However, work was actually easier than it normally is when I work over the weekend.  In fact, I hardly had to answer or make any phone calls.   I go to just quietly check my coworkers' changes to accounts all day.  It was lovely.  Sometimes I wish I could just sit at my desk, complete my work with a constantly ringing phone or an endless list of people I need to call.  I can casually have a brief conversation without one of us being interrupted little more than two seconds into our hello.  Honestly, talking on the phone isn't the worst job I could have but sometimes you just get really tired of it.

Also like other Sundays, my eating habits were all thrown off.  I ate very little but instead of sleeping through most of the day like I normally do I was up and working.  This normally means that by the time I come home for the day, I'm starving.  Of course, it only being four o'clock we don't eat right away and by the time I get some food in front of me, I'm shoveling it down like I might never eat again. Inevitably, this leads to me feeling rather uncomfortable and lethargic.  Dave has gone to pick up his cousin from the airport and I'm trying to stay awake until he comes home.  I don't know if I'll be able to but I refuse to go lay down the bed.

Uplift

Okay, I'm not feeling as dissatisfied with life today.  I hate those moods.  The worst part of it is that I know that my life is far from horrible.  In fact, my life is fabulous.  I am truly, truly blessed and have very few worries but knowing that only seems to make it worse when I'm feeling frustrated and depressed.  All it does is make me think, "God, my life is awesome. What the f**k is wrong with me for not appreciating it the way I should?"  There are times when I am feeling on slightly out of sorts when thoughts of the wonderful life I have do make me feel better, then there are other times when I've just gone too far down the depression slide.

Thankfully tonight Dave brought me out to work out again.  I didn't want to go at first.  I was still feeling all blah and out of sorts.  I knew I should go, that I needed to go, that I would probably feel better once it was over but I couldn't get myself there with my mind alone.  Luckily Dave is just as involved and it was nice to have that little extra push off the couch and onto my feet.  I'm glad he did.  I needed that feeling of accomplishment.  I'm so glad I've got him in my life.  He's the best.  I love him so much.

Change

I do not want to write tonight.  I just want to runaway with my husband.  I want to escape from the daily mundane.  I want to be stimulated by a new place.  I want to swim next to waterfalls.  I want to lay on a beach and go swimming in the ocean.  I want to just wake up next to my husband, spend all day with him, be so active that we can all but collapse into bed, and then do it all over again.  Where is this depression and frustration coming from?  I feel like I need a change but I have no clue what to do or where to go.  I'm tired, frustration, bored, irritated, and I'm desperately seeking something else.  I just don't know what it is yet.  I want to change and yet at the same time I don't know what I want to change into or feel ready.

Today's post

Tired tonight.  This will probably be a short post because I really do feel like I'm going to fall asleep any minute.  My parents just called to see if I was okay.  Apparently there was a oil tanker that car accident with a passenger vehicle that was all over the news.  When Dave came home from basketball with Feissal he had mentioned there being tons of ambulances and firetrucks causing him to pull over. He came home saying, "something big is going on."  Luckily both Dave and I are okay and I am really hoping that those involved are okay as well.  I hate hearing about horrific car accidents.  Just about everyone I know drives and there's always that risk.  Driving by or hearing about a bad accident never fails to remind me just how likely it could be someone I know.

In happier news I calculated our debt repayment again.  If everything goes according to plan and nothing major happens (like horrific car accident or job loss) we should have everything paid off by the time my sister gets married.  I can't even begin to say how exciting that is and it makes me want to keep going.  Also, since our discussion with Dave's mother about taking a trip to Korea as soon as possible, there is the potential for us to make the excursion in May, 2014.  Sure, she was hoping for September, 2013 but that's just not going to work for us.  Not only will we not have the money but my sister is getting married the next month so that's not going to happen.  Plus, I kind of like the idea of traveling in May.  So we'll see.  I'm hoping it's going to work out for us.

Connect and Disconnect

No Batman today after all.  Instead we went up to Crane Beach in Ipswich.  I never realized just how beautiful of a beach it was before.  In truth, I'm not sure if I've ever been to it before today.  Dave really liked it too and he normally isn't always so enthusiastic in my daily travel discoveries.  I'm really grateful for today.  It was a wonderful day for Dave and me.  Just us.  I feel like it's been a while since the two of us just went on an excursion like we used to do all the time.  We talked a lot as we walked up and down the beach and later at the Clam Box restaurant while we dined on fried fish, chicken, and scallops.  More than that, our talks were about what we wanted to do in the future and how to handle our present than griping about our jobs and daily stresses.  I wish we didn't have to go back to work tomorrow, it was so nice to have the day.  Still, we got today.  Can't have it everyday.

I'm not a video game girl.  More than that the majority of my friends aren't video game girls.  Just one really but I've been contemplating getting into it more seriously.  Almost every night Dave, Feissal, Kevin, Josh, and sometimes Amanda all jump online and play together.  Of course they talk about other things sometimes too and even though they don't get a chance to hang out physically together they do hang out almost every night.  It makes me miss my friends.  I miss Alli a whole lot.  I don't remember the last time I even got the chance to talk to her.  I don't know what's going on in her life.  How school is going or anything.  Same with Katie.  I have no idea how things are going with her and the baby.  Yes, she did have the baby.  I think I'm safe in posting that now that she's made two posts and posted pictures on Facebook.  I'm so grateful for her pictures and blog posts.

Of course Katie is busy being a mom now.  Alli and I have opposing schedules so that it makes it harder to find the time to communicate.  Jamie too.  I haven't seen or talked with her since the 4th of July.  Still, it's not like I've reached out to them that much either.  Playing video games isn't going to chance much of anything as neither Katie or Jamie play.  I don't know if Alli plays anymore or what she plays.  Not to mention that she's normally heading to bed when I'm getting out of work and at work while I'm not working.  Some days, like today, I just really really miss them.  I miss not living near them.  Not seeing them everyday.  Not being able to walk down the hall or wait until the next morning before class to catch up.  Sometimes it just hits you hard and you're like, "wait. what happened?  how is that I don't know what's going on with my closest friends? how did we lose touch so easily? do they just think I don't care?"

Maybe I have been too absorbed in my own life.  My own problems and challenges and successes to even look up from myself and see the world around me.  When did that self-absorption happen?  Isn't that supposed to happen in adolescence?  I'm a far cry from being a angsty teen but that's really what I've been like recently.  It really is time to get over myself a bit.  I do care about my friends.  A lot.  They come into my mind multiple times throughout the day but they'd never know it from my lack of communication with them.  Odd, that feeling so much more connected to my husband today made me realize just how disconnected I am from all the other people I love dearly.  

Batman

Okay I've got to write this before Dave finishes his bedtime routine.  It's so cute how he always does the same things in almost the same order just before he goes to bed.  Anyway, we stayed up late after work to watch the 1989 version of Batman.   It was absurd.  He's insisted that I watch this movie and the most recent one so that we can see the new one in theaters.  Yes, I've already seen the most recent one and I wasn't all that impressed.  I certainly don't have the desire to see the next one.   I came to the conclusion that it's because I've seen too many versions plus the cartoon that played when I was a little kid.  Out of the superheroes, he's not one of my favorites.  Too angry, bitter, and vengeful for my liking.  Of course, there are many woman out there who disagree and I'm perfectly content with that.   Tomorrow we'll probably end up watching the other one.   Maybe I'll like it better this time around.  Maybe I just wasn't in the right mood for it when I initially saw it.

Anyway, I'm going to hurry to bed before my husband goes to sleep.  I forgot to put my rings on after my shower this afternoon before work and I felt naked all day.  Now that it's back on my finger, I feel much better.

Brief reconnections

I reached out to Brian tonight after work.  Really, I just had one of those strange questions that he could answer so I figured, "why not?" and sent him a text message.   I wasn't really sure if he would respond since our last real conversation didn't go all that well.  He didn't want to maintain a friendship the last time I tried to contact him a few years ago.  At the time, I was upset because he wasn't a bad guy.  In fact, he was a great boyfriend and is still a wonderful person but he stated that because our relationship ended badly he didn't want to have a go at the friendship.  I didn't think it ended that badly but then my frame of reference wasn't really the greatest.  Still, disappointed as I was I understood.  Many people have little interest in maintain any contact with their exes.  I gave him his space, saw him once at a mutual friend's wedding, and really haven't spoken since.

It's been a few years since that conversation though.  We've both married since and I figured why not try again.  I can happily say that it went well.  Through text messages we had a simple conversation.  He asked about my family, I asked about his, and we he mentioned how he was tired of the job he's at and its irregular hours.  I could relate.  Eventually, I did apologize for how things ended (something I didn't do in the last conversation) and we discussed that as well.  We didn't work out as a couple but he is a really good guy.  In the end we both let each other know that we are here for each other if either of us needs a friend.

I doubt that we will be hanging out anytime soon but it was nice to speak with him after all this time.  He also said that I was a good girlfriend and that had an impact.  I think there is such a huge part of me that still doesn't believe that I was a good girlfriend.  I'm glad I reached out again.

Hey I wrote something

Holy cow! My body is sore!  What is it about my hamstrings that always takes the brunt of the exercise pain?  Does that area get weaker faster than the rest of my body when I'm doing nothing?  It is always my hamstrings that end up in the most pain whenever I begin to work out.  There is a part of me that enjoys the pain but knowing that tomorrow I am doing it all over again makes me wish it would go away.  I'm going to be crap trying to do it tomorrow.  Ah well, I just have to try and get through it.

I've been sleeping in to ridiculous hours again.  Today, I didn't wake up until it was almost time for me to go to work.  I don't know what my issue is.  Also, I've been not wanting to writing nightly at all.  Maybe it's just a funk.  Maybe I'm just so caught up in trying to get healthy (again) that it leaves me with little else to talk about.  I can't sleep forever tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to get over myself.

Lazy day

We worked out again today which was absurdly difficult but I felt good afterward.  I really look forward to getting into good enough shape and being able to complete the exercises more easily.   Oddly enough, I find myself very excited about it all this go around.  Like I said, if I can get fight through the initial pain.  We'll see.  Aside from that, not much happened today.   I was entirely lazy but that ends tomorrow when I go back to work.  Normally I don't Thursdays but one of my coworkers is going to Mexico (so jealous) so I'm working on Thursday and Saturday this week.  Not exactly looking forward to it but if I can just keep focused on the money that I'll be earning and not allow myself to get too anxious I should be good.

Trying again

It's not even midnight yet but I'm exhausted.  I just walked into our bedroom and saw Dave slumped over his desk sound asleep.  I don't know how he does that.  I can't fall asleep in front of my computer like that.  If I'm feeling my eyes get heavy I immediately go to my bed or I force myself to wake up but I can't fall asleep.  I guess that's a good thing.  If I could I probably would have been caught snoozing at work a couple of times.

Part of my sleepiness has to do with the fact that we worked out today.  It was super difficult and I can't help but marvel at just how out of shape I am.  I can't wait until I'm strong enough to be able to handle those simple exercises that are killing me right now.  Hopefully we can keep it up which is my biggest worry.  My therapist reminded me to take it one day at a time, one meal at time.  That really needs to be my motto throughout all of this.  Especially if I want a lifestyle change.  One things is for sure, I don't give up.

Re-evaluating

Despite my late start, I accomplished a number of things that I wanted to get done.  I also logged all of my food and did well.  Sure, I did most of it after 9pm when I got out of work but maybe trying to force it all to be early is just setting me up to fail.  Sure, most people go to sleep between 10pm-midnight and wake up between 7-9am but that doesn't mean that I also should do the same.  Would it really be that awful if I went to bed between 12-2am and woke up between 9-11am?  I've been trying to be like everyone else for so long and berating myself for not being able to get into the habit.  My job and the hours I work aren't really conducive to the normal world.  Most people with traditional jobs are home by 7pm at the latest.  At 7pm, I still have 2 more hours left to work.

I was going to write so much more but I'm not feeling it today.  Eh, I'm accepting today.

Sundays

I'm going to bust out this post.  I didn't sleep well last night so I'm tired and there are still a couple of things I want to do before going to bed.  It was my first day back at work after our mini vacation.  I'm not particularly looking forward to next weekend.  I got this time off but I am saddled with working seven days straight for this week.  Eh, such is life, right.  Need to earn the money and what not.

After work, Dave and I went to see Brave.  I loved it!  It was a different sort of princess movie and I have to say that I thoroughly approve with the new direction.  I'm reluctant to go into details because I don't want to give anything away as I hate it when I accidentally read spoilers.  Also, as those closest to me know, I adore all things Celtic.  The accents, the music, the landscape, the people.  I love it all.  Sometimes I wonder if there isn't a little Irish or Scottish hidden in me somewhere- there isn't but it's fun to think about sometimes.

We also joined my parents, my sister and her fiance, and my grandmother for dinner.   I enjoyed the fact that we can get together like this.  It's kind of cool really.  When I was in college I thought I'd be off exploring the world teaching English in foreign countries or working for department of defense as a school teacher for the children of the military.  In reality though, I enjoy being close to my family.  If I were to more to some far off distant country, I'd really regret not being able to visit and eat and talk.  Sure with modern technology, it's easier than ever to stay in touch but it's still not the same as actually being there or being able to share a meal and a hug.  As much as I enjoy dreaming of new places to explore, I know that wherever my family resides will be my home and I like that very much.

Newport, RI

Newport, Rhode Island was beautiful as always.  I really, really like it there.  In many ways, more than some of the coastal towns nearby.  I love the shops, the ships, the restaurants, the cliff walk.  The mansions are a great way to marvel at the how the rich spent their money freely.  So many people visit Newport for the mansions but really it's not why I enjoy going there.  It's everything else.

We did visit Marble House today though.  It was a 39th birthday gift for Alva Vanderbilt.  I told Dave I wanted an 11 million dollar "cottage" for my 39th birthday and that he needed to get on that now.  I won't even take into account inflation.  The house was made in the late 1800s and it cost $11 million to build.  Who knows what that would be worth today?  We learned that Alva was a pioneer in the woman's suffrage movement.  Apparently, when she was told that women shouldn't be allowed to hold political office because the country would "go to the dogs."  She responded with, "the country has already gone to the dogs.  Why not let the cats give it a go."

How interesting that back then people felt like the country was going downhill.  When was the last time that people really approved of the direction of the country?  Were there always those who thought the country was falling apart based on the potential decisions that could be made or were made?  When the original constitution was designed, were there many people who completely disagreed or were we all on the same page then?  Those questions made me think that there will never be a time when we think the country is going great or we are making the correct decisions.

There will always be someone who tries to make a stink.  It was revealing.  I find it so easy to get caught up in all the posturing and political mumbo jumbo.  In reality though all I can do is continue to support those who are trying to change things in the direction that I think they should go and stay vocal in opposition for those things I don't support.  However, to get angry and bent completely out of shape or make claims that such and such a decision will destroy the country won't get us anywhere.  Our country overcame a massive civil war and the great depression.  We can handle some of the trials ahead of us.  We might not remain the world's top superpower but I'm okay with that.  I don't mind being within the top 10 or so.

So yeah, I didn't mean to go into that but sometimes these things happen.

Rest

Someday I will write my post before being super tired and ready to go to bed; just not today.  Tomorrow Dave and I are taking his mom back to Newport, RI.  We took her there last year and she absolutely loved it.   She's been talking about going back since so I'm excited to take her there again.  It is a beautiful place and the mansions are incredible.  I'm looking forward to it.  

Today was spent is restful splendor.  Even going to go see a movie which was the tentative plan didn't happen as I was too busy doing absolutely nothing.  I love doing nothing every once and while.  Sleeping in late and taking naps throughout the day while just resting and reading is wonderful.  I recommend to everyone though it does take some time to get used to it without feeling guilty about it.

I had a lot of thoughts and feelings today but none fully developed.  They were more snippets.  Like watching the short scenes from a movie during a preview.  I'm sure that someday soon they will come to more and I'll be able to analyze them and possibly write about it.  Until then, we'll see.

Six Flags

Wow, I'm getting old.  There was a time that I could go to Six Flags when it opened, spend all day riding the rides and walking around, finally returning home when the park closed.  Not anymore.  Not only did we get there during midday (around 1pm) we also left around 8pm.  We didn't get to all of the rides but I didn't even care.  We went to the water park, rode the Superman ride, and the new Goliath ride a couple of times and went home.  It was really all I needed.  Dave has been ridiculously active this week, playing tennis and football and walking about.  His feet are covered in blisters and it was hard for him to walk.  That was the justification for leaving early.  In reality, I was completely wiped.  On the drive home I had to pull into a rest stop to let Dave take over because I was about to fall asleep.   He took over and within minutes I was out to the world.

It was a fantastic nap.  When he woke me I felt rested and so much better.  It's amazing what a nap can do.  He was okay and he only just recently crashed.  It's early for us 10:30pm but honestly, I'm impressed by his ability to keep going.  It makes me wonder where all my energy disappeared to.  I sleep far more than him, am far less active, and yet I'm so much more tired.  I suppose that could all be part of it.  An object at rest stays at rest.  Maybe if I was more active I would have more energy.  I don't know.    Overall though the day went well.  I'm going to go to bed soon myself.  Even with the nap, I'm still very tired.

4th of July!

Happy 4th of July!  My favorite holiday has come and gone.  Despite the fact that the fireworks were delayed only a half hour prior to them starting due to thunder and lightning, they cut the 1812 overture, and it started pouring the minute the fireworks started we had a really good time.  The show was great though I probably would have enjoyed it a lot more if it hadn't started pouring.  I mean, it didn't rain all day and all night; there was some lightning in the distance but no rain.   It was actually really funny that the moment the first firework exploded the skies opened up and we all got completely soaked.  With the end of the fireworks came the end of the rain.   I wouldn't want it to happen again but it made this year rather memorable.

Normally when the fireworks end, everyone tries to cram onto the train so we always make a pit stop at the Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robins to hang out for a little while.  For the past couple of years we've bought an ice cream cake, take our time eating it, and then head to the T.    This year we basically did the exact same thing except that they had an awesome dance party right next door.   I mean, they had a D.J, and everything.  People were getting their groove on and we couldn't help but join in.  That was also different this year and I loved it!  It was a lot of fun.  Another very memorable year this year.  Hope everyone else had a wonderful holiday!

So you had a bad day

I am utterly exhausted.   I slept horribly last night.  Not only did I not get into bed at reasonable hour when I finally did I had a mini anxiety attack.  What was weird was that it wasn't mental like they normally are, rather it was purely physical.  The only thing I could think was that I wanted to scream and just not stop.  Tossing and turning from one position to another for almost an hour made it impossible to get comfortable or fall asleep.  Not to mention that it kept Dave awake too.  My muscles felt tight, my heart felt like it was racing, and it felt difficult to breath like there was a massive weight on my chest.  No deep breathing exercises help and after about two hours with the sun rising outside I took my medication.  Thank goodness for my medication.  I hate to use it but it works wonders when I'm desperate.

Unfortunately, I then couldn't wake up.  At all.  That was second layer of awful.  The downside of my medication is that it puts me out maybe too hardcore.  So yeah, not the best day in the world.  I hate these days and I was so determined to not call into work after my mini-vacation and it was going so well.  Gah!  I will get a grip one of these days.  My apartment is a complete disaster again and yeah, it's been a difficult day.  Probably not the best time to write about this.  Tomorrow will be better.  I mean, it's the fourth of July.

Day's writing

I slept too late today and am up too late tonight but I'm not tired.  In just two days it's the fourth of July.  Unlike last year, everyone seems to be going this year which makes me happy.   After about a month, I finally spoke to Jamie again.   I can't believe that we can go so long and then reconnect so quickly like we've spent zero time apart.  We are both super excited for this 4th and neither of us are exactly sure why.  Maybe it's just because we know we are going to be seeing each other.  Despite our conversation being somewhat short, we got a chance to catch up a bit on our lives.  It was really nice to talk with her!

That was sort of the highlight of my day though.  I had big plans for the day but slept through most of them.  When I finally did wake up, I had to go to work so the plans didn't exactly get accomplished.  At work, I talked with one of my coworkers about the sleeping so late.  Now that she's finished school and she longer is going to class she is finding it difficult waking up at a reasonable hour too.  It's nice to know that I'm not alone.  I felt so lazy but maybe it really is just the downside of doing "shift" work. When you work late at night and go to bed even later, it makes sense to want to sleep in.   If you wake after a certain hour, your work hangs over your head and it almost doesn't seem worth it to begin anything else.  

Still, I hope that I can eventually get into a routine where I wake up at a reasonable, lead a somewhat productive day before going to work, work, and then relax for a bit before going to bed.  Maybe someday...

Meet Mommy and Wyatt

Is this not the most adorable picture ever?!

We got to meet little Wyatt today!  Mom and Dad are so happy and in love with their little boy.  It's so awesome to see such a happy family.  Wyatt totally has mom and dad's energy.  He kept flinging his, oh so tiny little arms and legs about.  For the most part he slept but when he did open his eyes, he couldn't focus very well.  His mom had a fantastic impression of him going cross-eyed as the muscles around his eyes slowly strengthen.  Eventually, the will be strong enough to hold a steady gaze regularly but it was so cute.

There really isn't anything like holding a newborn in your arms.  They are so small and soft and sleepy.  At least the couple of times I've held one recently.  Wyatt would begin to get a little fussy when he passed gas or got hungry.  Ashley was holding him a bit and then just plopped him in my arms like nothing when we first arrived.  It was just so natural and trusting.   It helped that I wasn't nearly as nervous this time.  When Adam offered me a tour of their home, I passed Wyatt along to Feissal who wouldn't let him go.   Though he was holding Wyatt, it became clear that Feissal was the one who melted.  It was adorable and Becky joked about how she'll never hear the end of the baby talk now.

Wyatt practicing his Kung Fu moves!

The six of us sat around talking for hours while Wyatt slept and fed.  Ashley is such a mom already.  It's only been a week but despite healing from her cesarean she was dancing with him and singing to him.  It's like she's been doing it forever even though she fully admits that they feel like they don't know what they are doing some of the time.  What was most amazing to me was that he sensed every moment she stepped out of the room.  He would sleeping peacefully in one of our arms and if she stepped out to get a drink or anything, he would begin to cry.   As soon as she returned, spoke to him, and gave him the slightest touch he would stop crying and fall right back to sleep.  I couldn't get over how cool that was.  Something within him senses her presence or lack of it immediately.  What amazing little beings we humans are and how incredibly strong the connection between mommy and baby.  

Dabey and baby!! 

After a couple of hours, Dave still hadn't held him.  In fact, he kept his distance.  I explained that he was super nervous that he was going to hurt him in some way and that he was scared of holding him.  Ashley completely understood but insisted anyway.  Finally, Dave came over and sat between Feissal and me holding his arms out for little Wyatt who found his arms very comfortable.  After some initial squirming on Wyatt's part and some slight anxiety on Dave's, they quickly got to know each other.  It was so cute and Ashley caught Dave a couple of times playing with Wyatt's cute feet.   I'm so excited for both of them and am so glad we got to meet him so soon after he was born.  These babies are such incredible blessings and though I am still not entirely ready for one of my own, I hope that there will be ample opportunities for me to continue sharing happiness with two such good friends.