Household items

Well, I spent most of the day pinning products onto my new Households pin board.  Again, I apologize to all of those who went in and saw a ton of ridiculous, unappealing products.  Why did I create such an obnoxious board?  Well, after making the decision to order our products online, I found the website giving us the most points and found myself adding everything to my checkout.  Quickly, it became quite evident that we do not need all of those products right now or even in the near future.  We already have some of them or alternatives nor can we afford to buy then all right now.  Realizing that every time I went to the website, I would find myself mindlessly wasting time perusing every item in each category.

I'm a horrible shopper.   Really, I'm a phenomenal browser but when it comes to buying things, I am quite terrible.  This is exactly what I love about Pinterest.  I get the similar sensation to buying things without actually spending any money.  There have been tons of studies that discuss the psychological aspects to shopping.  It's not based on what we need but entirely on either what we think we need or what we want.  Clearly while I was looking at this particular site, I do what I always do when I'm at a store and I see products saying to myself, "oh we need this" or "sure, we don't need this now but it might be nice to have on hand" or "how much more of this do we need"  and finally, "oh, I should get that.  I know I have something like that I don't actually use but this looks like something I'll use instead."   Really, it's absurd.  In the end, I tend to either buy a bunch of things that aren't necessary or walk out without getting the actual necessities.

So, that ridiculous pin board is currently serving as a primarily round where I can go "shopping" and then go shopping again.  Now that I've eliminated the thousands of different items down to about 100, I can go through my cabinets and determine "what do we actually need?"  Like toilet paper, we need toilet paper.  In addition, I've already chosen a brand so I won't be siting there trying to determine which brand of toilet paper is best or the cheapest or the most environmentally friendly.  Also, I can have Dave run through it to make sure I've got the particular brands that he likes (he can be particular about the most bizarre things).  Finally, after the initial order, rather than peruse the whole website I can now go back to the pin board and "shop" from there again as I've already spent many hours narrowing it all down.

Yes, the whole process is insane and counterproductive but this is why I do not prize myself as a "shopper."  I hate shopping and at the same time love browsing.  On the other hand, at least I'm not blowing all of our salary spending hours and money on the shopping that I'm doing.  So as backward as the madness may be, I do have a method.  Wow, I did I just spend an entire post writing about why I created an arbitrary board on Pinterest?  Yes, yes I did.  Le sigh.

Love and Obscure Pinboard

I'm writing tonight because I have to and I've put it off long enough.  Dave just asked me, "What time is it?" To which I responded, "time to take my medicine?"  So he asked again, "what time is it?" And I begrudgingly answered "time to write..."  He won't let me slip up on this and that's totally awesome.  He knows just how disappointed I'd be if I skipped a day.  Really, he is just great.  I'm so head over heels, I know but I don't care.  Our relationship is healthy and I'm totally safe within it.  It took me marrying the man to let my guard down.  I guess it's better than never letting my guard down.

To help accumulate more points on our credit card, it's best for us to shop online.  Yeah, totally abrupt topic change, sorry.  Anyway, we have made the decision to get our non food products through the online world.   As a result, I've created a new pin board pinning all the different types of products that we may ever want to get.  I'm so sorry if you hate it and please don't follow it if you wish.  If I could make a private board, I would.  I really, really hope that they come out with that feature.  Sure, there are things that you would absolutely love sharing with the world but there are other things that the world is just not interested in like which products I would by to clean my house or whatnot.  Ah well, I look forward to that day.

Back to it then...

Lazy

I'm very tired tonight.   I woke up just in time to go to work which was at noon so I don't really know why exactly.  Of course, it could be the time of month.  Dave actually expressed concern about it but I think it's just the unfortunate side effect of doing it naturally without birth control.   Work actually seemed to move quickly today which is always a great thing as I feel like I've been counting down the minutes each day recently.  I suppose I'm just in a downward slump at work right now.  Like everything else, there are times when I'm extremely satisfied and then there are others when I am just working for the paycheck.  I think the new shift makes it harder to socialize.  It's still too busy and it wasn't until the last hour or so that we would begin to chat.  There's that and I really haven't been in the mood to do much of that either.   Like I said, I go to work, I do I what I have to, I come home and I look forward to the paycheck.  

No, it's not ideal but I've been too lazy to look for anything else right now.  

Unexpected Day Off

Dave got to work from home today.   It was amazing!  I mean, he spent all day working and I spent a good portion of it sleeping as I was trying to make the cramps go away but it was so comforting just having him nearby.  I love him being here.  Sadly, he has go back tomorrow but we'll both be working Friday night so we'll have Friday morning together too.   Because I wasn't feeling my best today and Dave was home I also stayed home from work so I will going into the office tomorrow instead.  It actually works out for them too as they are short staffed on Thursdays.  

We were going to go parents tomorrow but with Dave home my parents were willing to change that and meet tonight.  We've officially booked our flights to Disney World and have decided to stay at the Coronado Springs Resort.   I couldn't be more excited about it.  Really, I'm so looking forward to going with them.   I was in the fifth grade the last time I went to Disney with my parents.  How different this trip will be as a married adult on her ninth trip.  Also, although I'm super excited for summer, I can't wait to experience Christmas there again.  It was truly magical.

While we were there, we looked through photographs from my childhood and my parents teenage years. I always love looking back at old pictures.  My mom is trying to clean up and sort through the many things that accumulated over the many, many years living in our house.  She found this adorable picture of skating pandas that Darcy drew for me way back when.  I think I might frame it because it's so cute and she was such a great artist.  We also received a Tenchi c.d. and on the way home Dave and I listened to it.  I was super surprised that it still played after all scratches but the j-pop music made me think of Alli.  It made me remember the days as roommates and she the music that would play in the background.  I miss Alli.  I miss not living closer and not being able to see her as frequently as I'd like.

It was a good day off.

Feeling better

Okay, so I totally lost my crap last night.  I really just wanted to break things but I didn't I just raged here on my little journal, yelled and stomped around for a few minutes, then finally sobbed for a few more.  What made everything even worse was the Dave had just as bad of a day/evening.   We went to bed super early both exhausted emotionally.  It was quite an evening and I can't even begin to tell you how glad we both are that it's over.

I haven't had a day like yesterday in a really long time.  From the moment I woke up, throughout the entire seven hours of work, and then coming home I was just so angry and upset and just not having anything.  I think a large part of that was the nightmare.  Honestly, it was the worst one yet.  I only existed in Dave's mind.  I was just a figment of Dave's imagination and as he forgot about me, I felt myself slowly disappearing from the world.  I kept jumping around and trying to get his attention back but he wouldn't see me.  I wasn't real and he was moving on with his life.   Just before I completely disappeared, I woke up.  It was awful.

Luckily my dreams of last night were nowhere near that bad and I woke up feeling like a new person.  Thank you to those of you who contacted me.  I'm sorry if I made any of you worry unnecessarily.  You guys are the best.

Done

I'm fucking done.
I've had it.
I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm done with the nightmares
I'm done with the constant sleep but no rest
I'm done with feeling tired
I'm done with feeling sick
I'm done with days
I'm done with nights
I'm done with sleeping.
I'm done.

I've had it with my goals
I've had it with our debt
I've had it with my feelings
I've had it with my frustration
I've had it with my anger
I've had it with disappointment
I've had it.

I'm sick of work
I'm sick of the time clock
I'm sick of the idiots
I'm sick of the self-righteous assholes.
I'm sick of counting down the minutes
I'm sick of the apartment being disgusting
I'm sick of the pile of dishes
I'm sick of the piles of laundry
I'm sick of the dirt
I'm sick of the dust
I'm sick of the bugs
I'm sick.

I don't want to deal anymore
I don't want to sit here
I don't want to leave
I don't want to keep waiting for whatever the fuck this is that I'm dealing with to make me stronger.
I don't want to...
I'm sick.
I've had it
I'm done.

Family

Dave and I both went to bed around 7pm.  It's now just past 11 and I'm awake but Dave decided to to stay sleeping which I think is better as it was a long, stressful week and weekend for him.  My only hope is that he can continue to get a restful night's sleep.  I can hear him in there rustling about and I can't help but feel a bit badly for him.  He works so hard and never complains... not even a little bit.   I know he's my husband and I am totally biased but I admired him so much.   I look up to him and at the same time he is 100% my equal, my partner.   Of course there are things that I admire about all the people close to me but he just is my world and I wouldn't want it any other way.  This is what love is, I guess.

In other news, my parents have officially bought their plane tickets to DisneyWorld!  I'm so excited to get to go with them.  They haven't been on a vacation like this and I couldn't be happier for them.  The last year was very difficult for them and they had to make sacrifices that I don't think either of them ever anticipated after working as hard as they have for decades.  I can't even begin to express how much I'm looking forward to sharing that experience with them.  I'll admit that I wish my sister and Ben could join us too but with a new home and an upcoming wedding, they have more than enough of their plate.  Now Dave and I just have to get our own tickets!  Super pumped!

Living close by

Got to hang out with Jamie today.  Growing up stinks as you can never see your friends as much as you'd like.  We talked about how cool it would be to gather all of our friends and live in a condo community like her mom's.   That would be so cool to be so close to friends.  Right next door or down the street.  It would certainly make for some pretty rocking block parties.  Sometimes I think about the apartment complex we live in and how so many of our neighbors know each other.  Many of them are Indian and they all hang out together.  Their kids play together.  At times I want to join them.  I doubt they'd mind but they normally speaking in Indian which I can't even begin to figure out.  

What would it be like to live among family and friends without actually living together.  Just staying nearby.  We can each return to our individual homes with our small families but together, we'd be one big family.  I suppose there would be some negatives.  Sometimes it's not always obvious when one is not welcome or it can make it more difficult saying that you just want to spend some time with your family without someone taking offense.  The possibility of drama is also very likely when close friends live almost as close.   Like college only different since it would involve more than just ourselves but husbands, wives, children, parents, or siblings.  Still, I think it would be nice especially once we figured out each other's personal boundaries.  

Getaway

Writing everyday makes it difficult to write anything that is well thought out.  Okay, that's not true but there are so many other things that I want to do.  I want to just sit and watch my television show and mindlessly surf the web.  I've been feeling the stir of wanderlust.  Although there is nothing overly stressful happening in my life I just want to runaway with my husband to some tropical getaway.  We actually saw an incredible deal on Groupon but then tried to find flights and the price of the flights were absurd completely destroying that idea.  At first I was bummed because the hotel deal was more than we would have expected but those flights.  Not cool.

 Instead, I suggested that we enjoy a "staycation."  Even with the trip to DisneyWorld, we will have the time available for a couple of days off.  My suggested is that we take 4 days off and instead of going away, we just stay home and travel locally or just be together.  So I've started looking at different local areas we might be able to visit.  Right now we haven't thought much about it or gone into any detail but hopefully soon we'll just be able to wake up together and go to bed together for more than one night and day.

Oh what a beautiful day!

Don't want to write today.  Oddly enough I had a post planned documenting the days evens but the idea of moving my pictures from my phone to the computer and putting them in this post seems like too much effort and I don't want to deal.  Yes, I know that there is very little effort involved but I still don't want to do it.  I'm so glad that I had the day off today--what a fabulous day to have off.  I know we've been totally blessed by the beyond amazing weather during the month of March but it's supposed to go away and I don't want it to! It's been perfect and I want it to stay.  I did make as much of it as I could today and spent a good portion of it outside and getting the most of the warmth and sunshine as possible.

I wish I could have tomorrow off as well but I'll get Saturday too.   Plus I need the money for some of the things Dave and I were discussing today.  Hope you had a lovely a day as me!

Work

Today turned out not to be so bad at work.  For approximately an hour, I had the CEO, my manager, and one of our IT guys surrounded my computer tying to figure out something that happened yesterday.  Really, that sounds worse than it actually was.  I've not had the chance to work with the CEO at all and he is a really good guy who does seem to know a lot about running a business and tracking down issues.   It could have been worse but really, I just found myself super antsy.  I couldn't sit still and the time just crawl.  When 7pm rolled around, I was out of their so fast.

My appointment went well today too though it was different than usual.  On my ride over, all I could think about was whether she ever got tired of listening to people complain all day.  I love that she's not one of those therapists who turns that question back on you with a "Why do think this question is important?"  She just answered honestly saying "yes" but that she felt like she was in a zone.  It's not like listening to friends; she gets paid to do this.  She also said that I would probably make a decent therapist myself as this isn't the first time I've been interested in her.   I actually do think I would do alright in that profession but it's the money for extra schooling.

Right now I'm just looking around.  All I can say is that I'm so happy to have the day off tomorrow.

Losing weight, setting goals

So on the Biggest Loser this week, the excuse is "I can't lose weight on vacation."  Really, I gorge myself on vacation but I always come home lighter than I did when I left.  I never intend to lose weight I always do.  Why? Well the answer is obvious at least with the way I vacation.  When I am at home I sit around all day.  I go to work and sit at a computer for 7-8 hours a day, then I get in my car and drive home and sit in front of the television and my own personal computer for the next couple of hours before lying in bed to sleep for another 7-8 hours.  Yeah, it's a long time on my butt.  Not when I'm on vacation though.  On vacation I'm constantly going.  I sleep and sit down for less than half a day.  The rest of it is spent walking and exploring.  Sure I eat a lot and often (which is probably better than I do at home which is very little and infrequent) but I'm constantly on the move.   That was a really long way of me saying that if my life were an ongoing vacation, I'd be healthier than ever.

Speaking of losing weight, I weight in today at work at 158.6 pounds.  I lost 4.8 pounds since last month!  That was with my slacking the past two weeks.  When I woke up today, it started out like my recent days.  It was much later than I wanted but I literally had a shower of ideas while taking my shower regarding the blog I never get around to writing.  In addition, when I was getting ready for work I decided that although I totally slacking off recently shouldn't mean that I should give up on the goals I set out earlier in the month.  So I might try and bump it up a notch again.  Too bad I have to work tomorrow... especially since I made a big mistake tonight and I have to go in tomorrow and own it.  Blegh!

Thoughts

While I was taking a bath today, I read about a career as a tour guide.  I have a book that outlines very, very briefly multiple different career choices and out of all of them, (including teaching), working as a tour guide seems the most fitting.  Of course, it was a very comprehensive description and the idea is one that would require a lot more research before even beginning to consider it but it peaked my interest.    Again, it might be nothing but who knows.  It sucks feeling so lost sometimes.  Still, I have my current job and that's earning enough money to grow our savings.  That's enough for now.

I'm still having horrible nightmares.  I woke up this morning screaming for Dave.  Well, I'm not sure I was actually screaming but in my head I was.  He had already gone to work and I had to call him.  These dreams aren't fun and I'm beginning to wonder why I'm struggling in my sleep like this.  I can't even say, it's too many crime shows because I've actually reduced my hours in front of the t.v.  Who knows really. I did have a decent dream the other night... I don't remember what it was about but I didn't wake up in cold sweats which was a nice break from my new normal.  Just taking it day by day.  I have another appointment with my wise one and hopefully we might lift the veil a bit.

Unwell

I woke up feeling like crap today.  I got through work which was great; however, I couldn't make it Alli's birthday party which saddened me.  Because I've been a stress case, I thought if I didn't make it would've been because of a panic attack not because I was just feeling ill in general.  Hopefully, I'm not coming down with something because I really don't know to deal with it.   It's been roller coaster of a month so far.  Ah well, it was a gorgeous day out and I did try and spend at least a half hour outside enjoying it.  Afterward, I got some much needed sleep literally sleeping for about 4 hours.  Even now that I'm awake, I don't feel fully rested and will be going back to bed shortly.  I am feeling a bit better though. 

Work

Today was relaxing.  We woke up late, chilled out, took naps, and finished it off with dinner and a movie.  I wish we had more days like this.  Dave's job gets more stressful by the day and it concerns me.  On Thursday we couldn't hang out at because he spent all night working (after working the entire day).  This morning work consumed him before he eventually decided to push it aside and enjoy the day.  Tomorrow evening, when I will hopefully be attending Alli's birthday party (happy birthday Alli) he will be working yet again.   His day to day tasks get more and more challenging as well and it seems that he gets very little respite from his work these days.  Sure, the money he makes from his job allows us to live with relative ease financially; however, if this continues I would rather take a cut in pay for get my husband's peace of mind back.

All the more reason for me to find something to help support us.  He never mentions it but I sometimes wonder if bothers him that he makes most of our money or if he feels burdened by it.  I try to stress to him that money isn't everything but at the same times that's hard for him to believe when my salary wouldn't support a far more modest lifestyle nevermind the one that we live.  Perhaps, I should find a way to change that.   I mean, I've got a college degree.  Supposedly that should help earn me more money though I've yet to see any sort of proof of that.  At all.  Really, in the end I chose the wrong major.

Pipe Dreams

Yikes I almost forgot to write tonight.  Now that I am, I don't really know what to write about except that vacations are super expensive and I wish I were rich so I could just go anywhere I wanted.  And I want to go everywhere.  I do!  There are just so many places and I sometimes fear that I will never have the opportunity or the time to see it all.  Really, my dream is to make money auditing classes and travel around the world.  Wishful thinking, totally but if I had the opportunity that would be my dream.

Then I think about it and I think about how delusional I am.  Is there any hope for me?  Really?  Will I just be chasing these pipe dreams for the rest of my life?

Manic Depressive

Writing my post super early today.  I slept a lot today-- more than normal.  Luckily, I managed to get through most of my hours without any nightmares and after a second nap, I've awoken feeling rested for the first time in days.  I also don't feel too down about anything right now which is also a nice feeling.  It's been a rough couple of weeks.  Man, I'm hungry.  Dave has gone to go get Five Guys.  Sadly, our diet and exercise plan has halted a bit.  I just don't have the motivation which sort of depresses me but I I'm not allowing it to get to me for now.  It doesn't get me anywhere.

I'm very hopeful that this whole depression thing will subside soon.  I'm so done with it.   Here's the thing I have these tiny spurts of motivation but I'm really beginning to fear being manic depressive.  It's not the worst thing in the world and I have not been diagnosed with it at all but it's become a consuming thought similar to when I feared that I was a narcissist.  So yes at the moment my fear is that when I get these spurts of motivation, I'm quick to stop it.  I don't want a manic episode where I do a lot and then crash.   So as a result, I've almost been finding comfort in the depression which is strange.  I hate being crazy, it's really obnoxious.  Do I really think I'm manic depressive? Not really but it's something that scares me.  Hopefully it will pass.  I mean, these mood swings have been just a recent thing.

Alright.  Dave is here with my much needed food.

If you don't have anything nice to say....

Meh.  Not in the mood tonight.  Like not at all.  Really, I just feel like I have nothing good to say right now and you know that saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  It's something you learn as a child to remind yourself to not speak unkind words toward others.  Kids tease and taunt each other all the time.  The saying is fitting for them.  However, it can also be used toward yourself.  If you don't have anything nice to say about yourself, don't say anything at all.  Funny how that isn't used toward ourselves; it should be.

Only bad thing about that is that I feel like I now have absolutely nothing to say.  I still have so much progress ahead of me...

Better day

Today was a much better day than yesterday which was a good thing.  I have one more seven hour shift tomorrow before I get a day off.  Not having two consecutive days off in a row is more difficult.  Perhaps though I just need to learn how to embrace the individual days that I have.  On the one hand I want to reduce my hours but on the other hand there are so many things worth saving and earning more money for.  Each day that I think about our finances, I think of something else that I hadn't been considering or some other type of buffer we need.  Anyway, my current thinking is to continue what I'm doing and keep my options open.

Aside from that, not too much really happened today.  I had another therapy appointment again today but so much of was focused on my work anxiety and the current funk I'm in.   While we were talking I realized just how much my current work situation (not necessarily the job, but everything) was stressing me out.  We were discussing how cardholders swearing at me and being rude or condescending appears to roll off my back to my coworkers but that it does affect me in other ways.  It possibly even contributes to my daily anxiety.  There was a certain feeling of validation when I got a response from the bank about the crazy lady I talked to yesterday (who basically swore at my nonstop through tears for a solid ten minutes) saying that they basically kicked her out of the bank because they couldn't deal with her.  Can I just say that I love it when banks do that!  Most people don't realize that if you are too much of a pain in the ass to a company or bank, they can and do refuse you service basically telling you to take your business elsewhere.  Take that bitches!

Sigh

Work was extremely frustrating today.  It actually didn't start out that way but around 7:30 the phones exploded and people began calling in with what should have been simple tasks but weren't.  I felt like every phone call I got took so many extra steps and time.  I felt like I was working far harder but because of the strange types of calls I was far less productive.  It also didn't help that we were short two (technically three since Jen was promoted) and my coworkers also seemed to be getting the same types of calls I was.  In the end, I left over an hour later than I should have.  It doesn't appear to be letting up as one of my coworkers went to the hospital earlier today and may need her gall bladder removed.  I really hope that she doesn't because she's already been through enough.  Seriously, I think there's something in the water with me having panic attacks again, another of my coworker's husband have surgery, and now her potentially needing gall bladder surgery.   On the bright side, we are all super supportive of each other and that really makes a huge difference.

Compounding my frustration, I've been having a really difficult time sleeping.  For the past two days, I've been sleeping long hours and having terrible nightmares.   Today, despite waking up early I found myself utterly exhausted by mid morning and put myself back to bed.  During my sleep, I kept having these awful dreams where strange men would let themselves into my apartment while I was there naked, alone, and too tired to defend myself.  Yesterday my dreams comprised of me being yelled at continuously by managers and customers alike because I couldn't bag their art supplies efficiently or quickly.  No matter how many times I would wake up from these dreams, when I'd fall back to sleep they would pick up where they left off.  90% of the time when I did wake fully, I felt even more tired than when I went to bed.  It's making me quite reluctant to go back to bed tonight even though I am quite tired.

Right now, I just need to remember that this is frustration and exhaustion is just temporary.  It will get better.

Housewife

I don't feel well. I'm having a runny nose issue again; gosh, it makes me feel yucky.   After getting home from work today, Dave and I were talking and I began thinking about our modern day society.  As you know, I'm all for women in the workforce.  I personally believe that all women should have the opportunity and the right to work if they choose.  I am all for the wife being the primary breadwinner and I fully support "house husbands."  However, the expectation that both the husband and wife work is not necessarily the answer.

Tonight I found myself really missing my nights and weekends.  I want to be here when Dave comes home.  I want to keep house.   I've never considered myself to all that domestic but how much of that was because it was never very much stressed.  Growing up in the fifties, young women were under the expectation to maintain the home.  Her pride was dictated by the house she kept.  Today, women's pride is supposedly dictated by the jobs we work.  Is that any better?  Now there's that need to keep house, keep the job, have a relationship, have personal time, have time for friends, and eventually there will need to be time to be parents for both men and women.

I watch my mom struggle with trying to manage the balance of maintaining the home, working with my dad to help raise my sister and me, trying to find daycare when they were both at work, and trying to be a wife.   She did a wonderful job but it wasn't always clean.  We were expected to do chores but there were times that was hard to enforce because my mother herself couldn't always do her part of the housework and she wasn't always around to hold us accountable due to her daily responsibilities.  Maybe it would've been easier for her to stay at home while my father worked.

I don't know.  Tonight I just found myself desiring the life of a housewife.   Maybe it's the whole "the grass is greener" feeling but it's still there.  The worst part of it is that if I did try it many jobs want to have any gaps in employment fully explained.   What did you do during those 6 months that you weren't working?  First, what business is it of theirs?  Second, maybe I did decide to dedicate my time and energy to my family.  Maybe my husband wanted to do that.  Why should that be held against us?  Like I said earlier, I understand everyone having equal opportunities and rights to work but I don't like that it's an expectation.

Distant Worlds

What a great day and night! Thank goodness I'm not working tomorrow morning.  My coworker needed the night so she asked me to switch and really it couldn't have worked out better for me especially with daylight savings being tonight.  It's tough enough having to get up an extra hour earlier but after going out tonight would make it so much more difficult.

Tonight Dave and I joined Alli and some friends to go see Distant Worlds- Music from Final Fantasy.  Now, I've never played any of the Final Fantasy games but I fell in love with the music a very long time ago.  After John Williams, I would say that Nobou Uematsu is the one of the greatest composers today.  The music was amazing!  They also showed different scenes from some of the games and it was really, really cool to see how the graphics have developed over the years.  They would show scenes from FFIV and then from FFXIII or FFXIV.  It was incredible how they went from the 2D graphics that some may consider worse than the original Mario Brothers to almost cinematic movie scenes.  More than anything, the best part of the concert was the sing-a-long to One Winged Angel.

Afterward, Dave and I decided to go to Finale for dessert.  Gosh, I love that place.  Their molten cake and Rosa Regale wine is one of the most divine combinations of flavors in food.  We had a wonderful conversation and the whole night was just wonderful.  I love my husband so, so much and I'm so thankful that Alli told us about this concert.  While we were there I saw a list of their upcoming shows and there about five more that I would love to go see.  I'm such a dork that I would prefer to go to symphonies than concerts.

Another very short post

I didn't anticipate feeling so tired tonight but as I sit here I'm finding my eyes getting heavy and my breathing slowing down.  I suppose it is 1am so it's not that surprising; I'm not used to working so late.  Work went well again so that was nice.  It's amazing what working one hour less can do.  Six hours feels very different from seven.

Earlier today I went running again.  I did it by myself, at approximately the same time, and on the same treadmill.  I know that's strange to be proud of but those little similarities could all be triggers of another panic attack.  Still, I did it and I got through it.   Oddly enough, I've found that if I silently sing along to the music playing on my iPod I breathe better.  It seems strange but if it works then I'm all for it.

Good days

What a gorgeous day today.  It's still early March but today I got a glimpse of spring.  I really can't wait for the warm weather to become a more regular visitor.  My day went as nicely as the weather as well and I thoroughly enjoyed having the day off.   The biggest downside to my day was getting a text message from my boss asking me to work 5-11pm tomorrow instead of my new 2-9pm which kind of stinks as I've enjoyed getting home before 10pm.  However, it seems to be just for tomorrow so maybe I won't be going back to it permanently.  In the end though, I'm just going to let what happens happen.  If they prefer me to work 5-11pm again, then that does give me full days to play with for maybe something else.  We'll see but I'm not worrying about it.

That doesn't mean I didn't worry at all today.  I had to go to the dentist this morning which meant a least two hours of fretting.  There is something about the dentist that makes me anxious.  I'm not sure what it is exactly.  I mean, I've been visiting the dentist since I was two years old and I had some type of gum infection.  Just somewhere along the way I began to get nervous.  However, two advil tablets and an anti-anxiety pill later and I was ready to go.  I have to say, I love my dentist and the whole office.  It's really kind of awesome to have found a wonderful, local dentist (he's quite literally across the street).  I need to schedule another physical to see if I like my doctor as much as I did the first time.

Really, after getting through the cleaning this morning the rest of my day was a breeze.  I spent a good portion outside reading by the ocean.  Dave and I did allow ourselves to eat out tonight but we tried to be healthy with it.  Later tonight we spent a bit more time looking at our budget with a focus of investing more into our 401Ks and Roth IRAs.  It appears that we will be able to fund them more than we initially thought so another bonus.  I really, really, really like good days.

Back to work

I went back to work today and my therapist was right about something else: it wasn't that bad.  There was something "grounding" about it.  It was like my life was returning to some normalcy.  So that was a big step too.  That said, I'm really glad that I have the day off tomorrow because I still feel like I need it.  Despite not working the past couple of days, I don't really feel like I've had days off.  It's like I've been sick.  I was home but not really myself .  I was going to write so much more but I'm utterly exhausted.  This is super short but I think I'm done with writing tonight.  As it is, my eyes are crossing and the words are blurring.  All done.

Making Strides

Another difficult day for yours truly but it wasn't without any milestones.  I got myself back on the treadmill.  That was a big thing for me seeing as the last time I ran completely sucker punched me but I knew I had two choices: I could avoid running forever or I could climb back on and try again.  Of course, I had my wonderful husband who stood right next to me during my entire run and made sure I wasn't overdoing and that I was okay.  He really is the best.  I don't know where I would be without him.  Unlike my last run, I ran a full level slower and with zero incline and it was easy.  Halfway through the run, I increase my incline back to what it was but no wonder I lost it last time.  Even though I knew I had overdone it, I don't think I understood just how far beyond myself until today.  Seriously.

I also got the dishes done, two loads of laundry, and finished one of the five books that I'm trying to read at the same time.  All that and a nap too.  So yes, I spent the first half of the day in tears and trying to move beyond my own feelings but I did.  Now I just need to get myself back to work.  I can do that too.  Hopefully.

Lesson

I've been all out of sorts since yesterday.  Done and discouraged and afraid are the prevalent emotions.  Thankfully, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.  What a difference a week makes.  Last week I felt like I was ready to take on the world or at least myself.  I feel so far from that now.  I mean, I'm still eating properly or at least trying to anyway but I didn't go to yoga today or do much of any exercise.  I feel really nervous about exercising again.  I don't want to relapse.  I don't want to endure another one of those panic attacks.  So yeah, I don't know.

Perhaps it's just going to be a tough week and I have to just ride it out.  I can't do that.  I've ridden threw many a tough week and I'm sure that there are more than many more ahead of me.  Each of these moments where setbacks occur are learning experiences.  Maybe this is something else that I need to learned.  I'm not 100% sure what my lesson is just yet but hopefully with time it will reveal itself and I will be a better person as a result.

Panic

I started week two of the couch to 5K and it did not go well.  It didn't go well at all actually.  During week two, we increase our running from one minute to one and a half minutes then walk for two minutes.  I know it was only thirty seconds but my goodness it makes such a huge difference.  Of course, I pushed myself too hard and I started cramping after 4 runs.  Still I didn't want to stop and I continued to push for the next two runs.  When it came time to "cool down"  I was in a lot of pain, dripping with sweat, and struggling to walk for the 5 minutes.  In the end, I didn't finish.  With two minutes left to my cool down, I stumbled off the treadmill and ran to the bathroom where I struggled with the pain for 20 minutes.

Sadly, that wasn't the worst of it.  As I was doubled over alone in the bathroom I began panicking.  I knew I was panicking and despite my best efforts I couldn't seem to get it to stop.  Still dripping with sweat I felt my hands and feet begin to tingle.  For a few moments the pain would subside and I thought I could get myself together but then another wave would hit and I loose control all over again.  Somehow, looking back, I'm not quite sure how I managed to walk across the street back to the apartment where the panic completely took over me.  It ended badly and I'm going to leave it at that.

In the end, I felt so embarrassed and stupid.  I just started to feel ready to talk with my medication person about lowering the dosage.  I seriously thought I was ready.  Now what?  Also, I never want to run again.  Totally bumming out right now.

titles are hard

Had some problems with managing my food intake today which makes me sad because the day started out so promising.   We just had to pass by that cupcake bar on a side excursion to Needham.  Initially we just drove by it but eventually we decided that you can't just drive by a cupcake bar without stopping so we turned back around.  Dave thoroughly enjoyed his cupcake; however, mine just didn't sit right.  It was too rich or too sweet or too something and I couldn't finish it.  That was at least a good thing as it was an enormous cupcake.  Still though, upon leaving I was really bummed that my splurge on crappy food was not what I expected.  Also, it just left a bad taste in my mouth so I wasn't very hungry until approximately ten o'clock where I then found myself eating buttery popcorn and pasta salad.  Tough day today for my weight loss goals with the food and no exercise but I'll do better tomorrow. 

Other than the food the day and evening has been great.  We decided not to do too much tonight and I switch shifts with my coworker tomorrow.  Her husband had shoulder surgery and it's a lot more difficult finding a baby sitter to care for their toddler daughter until 11pm versus 3pm.  Normally, I prefer the day shift as I get out of work and still feel like I have a day left; however, it feels nice to not have to get up at 6am tomorrow morning.  I feel like I can just relax and chill.   

Conflict-the nasty side effect of any good relationship

I am really irritated with Dave right now to the point where I literally kicked him out of the room.  I actually said to him, "Please go away, I don't want to deal with you right now."  It's been a really long time since I've been this upset with him and I'm not going to go into specifics but it's quarter to one in the morning and I have to write and this is how I'm feeling so he will have to deal with the fact that I'm documenting my unhappiness with him.  He didn't consider my feelings at all this evening so whatever.  Yes, it isn't necessary for me to disregard his feelings just because he disregarded mine earlier.  Yes, it is a tad bit immature but I don't care.   By tomorrow morning I'll be over it because it wasn't anything major. It just really upsetting to me and it came down to me just continuing to bitch him out or have him go away and wait for me to calm down.  Bitching at him wasn't going to make me feel any better.

There is progress there, I suppose.  I used to be the type that would just yell and yell and yell.  For hours.  Many times, I would just talk in circles long after the other person says they're sorry and that they mean it.  It's useless.  The cliche "beating a dead horse" comes to mind.  Of course, "beating" any animal alive or dead bothers me but that was what I would metaphorically be doing in my arguments.  So though, telling him "Go Away" wasn't the nicest thing in the world.  I just saved both of us from an endless tirade on my part.  Like I said, it wasn't even that big of a deal.  It was just something that's been an issue for us in the past--in fact, a big issue when we first started dating.  He knows it bothers me and he just "didn't feel like dealing with it."  That alone makes me angry.  Well, great.  Now you have to deal with me and I certainly know I'm far more unpleasant than what you would have had to deal with earlier.

All the more reason I'm not ready to be a parent.  I feel like that's the adolescent way of living.  They don't deal with something that might be mildly unpleasant at the moment so end up having to sit through their parents yelling at them later or far more dire and serious consequences later.  I've been there.  We've all been there so no, I can't be too angry with him for taking that route tonight but still it is quite annoying.  I have the right to be annoyed, don't I?  Now that I've gone and written this I feel bad that I'm going to end up posting it.   He just came back in and apologized again.   Funny how just a bit of space can change everything.  I got up and gave him a hug and don't really feel mad anymore.

Sometimes I get sidetracked...

I'm watching the Project Runway Broadway episode (yes, I'm a bit behind but I've been busy) and I think the opportunity to design for Broadway is one of the coolest challenges they've had since they used to the do the amazing make a garment out of the junk you find at lumber yard.   I really, really miss those challenges.  I mean, I still can't get over what they do in the amount of time they have.  Actually I can't get over what they do at all; the fact they can design and they create.  I wish I could do it.  I wish I could do a lot of things.

I saw a dance number on Pinterest and my goodness I wanted to be her.  Yes, I know that she is a World Champion Dancer and that ever being able to dance like that would be like me saying that if I just worked hard enough I could be Michelle Kwan.  Obviously, I could dance for days on end and never ever be able to dance half as good but she made me want to dance.  She made me want to find an adult ballet studio or at least a studio that offers dance classes and begin learning the basics.  Of course, this led me into thinking, "why don't you try skating again?  At least you have a background in it."  I don't know what it is but I'm reluctant.  Maybe it's because I want to pick up where I left off and that's not possible being ten years out of skates and thirty pounds heavier.  I don't want to work so hard to get back to what I could do ten years ago.  With dance or yoga, at least I'm starting at the beginning.  After a year's worth of work, I'd be a better dancer than I've ever been and I wouldn't be able to say that about skating.

Right now though, the dancing is on hold.  Two of my goals were to try yoga for real and to get back on the ice.  I need to focus on those for now.  Maybe I can't try dance a bit later.   I did go to yoga again today for a class but no one else showed up so I had a private lesson.  How cool!  I did so much better than I thought I was going to do.  When I went on Monday, I just couldn't get into it.  Perhaps it was because I allowed myself to get too caught up in comparing myself to everyone else.  Gosh, I get that recognizing when I do it will eventually help me stop doing it but really, I would just like to stop doing it altogether.  Anyway, today, I really felt good about it.  I was more forgiving of my usual harsh self criticisms and I just went for it.  I will admit, I'm loving all this exercising I'm doing.  The change in eating has been difficult but the exercise is making me feel great.  I feel like I'm working on something.  With the food, I feel like I'm just trying to break a lot of terrible bad habits.  I did well today though!

Well, I got a bit sidetracked from Project Runway.  I was very happy with the outcome.  When I saw the winner's look come down the runway, I thought it was the best for Godspell.  I am never able to predict the winner.  I guess, I do know my fashion if it's ostentatious and for the stage.  Too bad you can't wear those normally.