Tonight is one of those nights that I wish I had written earlier. I hadn't intended to go to bed so soon but find myself just wanting to sleep. Dave and I had the night off which was really nice. We watched a show and I was able to talk with him about stuff that I've been reluctant to share or talk about. Unfortunately, just because I don't want to talk about it doesn't mean that I'm not still thinking about it frequently.
While I was away, I wrote letters to Greg and his parents. Not that I ever plan on sharing them but I still wrote it like I was and I'm not sure if it went the way I hoped. I allowed Dave to read them his responses to that and from our talk today indicate that I still hold myself responsible for what happened to me all those years ago. Logically, I get it. He was a predator and he took advantage of the fact that I was easily flustered, insecure, inexperienced, and very religious to craft this web of manipulation, deceit, and control that masqueraded as love.
Now that I think about it, I might begin another letter this time with the opening sentence, "It really would have been nice to know that you were a Level 3 Sex Offender before we began dating." He can't deny that. He's been tried, convicted, and has his face plastered on the national sex offender registry as a Level 3 offender who has a high risk of offending again. He did offend again with me but it went unreported.
Sometimes I wish he was in jail. Despite him having almost zero contact with me since we broke up, I'd feel safer without the possibility of him lurking in the shadows waiting for the right time to ruin me all over again. I'm afraid to do anything that may draw attention to myself, give away my location, give him some reason to come and find me. I want to accomplish things and achieve goals but deep down I feel like no matter how much I achieve or accomplish, it will never ever change the fact that he beat me. I will always be one of his victims and there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do change that. That frustrates me.
There is also the sad knowledge that by my not going after things, being afraid to have children, being afraid to do the things that I want I am still letting him get the better of me. His being in jail wouldn't change my own regret. Him being gone won't lessen the anger I hold toward myself. Technically, he's been gone. For all I know, I'm nothing more than a blip on his radar that he could care nothing about and I pray to God that's the case. I can't forgive him until I forgive myself. Still, I feel ashamed. I feel like I was weak. Everyone never thought it would happen to me. They all thought I was stronger than that; that I could hold my own against anyone. I disappointed them and myself.
I want to move past this. I want to start living my life without the constant fear, the persistent reminder that I wasn't strong enough to save myself. If I can't even protect myself, how can I do anything else less significant? There are so many days that I wish I could just close my eyes and forget that it ever happened. A solid knock to the head might do the trick but he's the only thing I want to forget and there's a greater risk that I'd forget a lot more than him. In many ways I'm kind of glad that there isn't a pill that allows you to forget these kinds of things or a procedure like that in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I don't think I'd be strong enough to not take it.
My strength needs to come from dealing with it. It will come when I can forgive myself, forgive him, and learn to place my victimization in proper perspective. I can't forget about it. I can't go back in time and prevent it. There's nothing that can happen to him that will solve it. Even his death doesn't resolve the real issues. I've watched enough crimes shows to know that. They all kill thinking that it will resolve whatever anger lies within them but it never actually works. They just end up in jail with a life sentence having to deal with not only the original issues but what they allowed themselves to do as result. My anger is at myself more than him. Yes I want him off the street. I don't know anyone else to have to suffer at his hand but that's not my call. All I can do is hope and pray that he's someone found a healthy way to deal with his issues. If not, all I can do is pray that whomever he hurts next won't be shamed into silence the way I was.
That's where I'm at now. Hoping and praying. I suppose I should take that as a positive since I am actually praying again. That's progress.
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