Writing through it

I will not disassociate.  I will not disassociate.  It's okay to have these kinds of feelings.  Just sit in silence and let it be.  If you need to cry then cry.   Do not turn on the television or the radio and detach from the world.  Silence is okay.  These feelings; they are okay too.  See that, they are already passing.  The lump is still in your throat and you feel vulnerable and anxious but it's better than feeling nothing.  The air around your arms feels electric and you feel your skin breathing.  It's okay.  You are alright and you are safe.  I am safe.  Breathe.  I am safe.  This is progress even if it doesn't feel like it just yet.  It's okay for life to be this good.  I can have this.   I am safe and I can have this happiness.

How come I'm nervous to talk with him right now?  I just shared my soul but my voice remains hidden.  He wants to be there for me.  He wants to hear how I'm feeling; he wants to help but I won't let him because I can't get out the words.  Instead of closeness, I needed my space.  Though we share the room, I am in my own world.  Everything is so complicated and I know it doesn't have to be; there's no need to protect myself anymore but old habits die hard.  This is real.  He is real.  His love for me is real too.  So is mine, even if I'm detaching myself from it right now.   What was it about those moments that scared me so?  She told me that the body remembers; but why can't my mind?

Like a strong wind; there was a shift from great love and devotion to fear and detachment but what was the cause?  What am I trying to tell myself?  How do I console a fear when I can't find it?  My arms are still tingling but the lump in my throat is gone.  Progress.  This is progress, too.  Small, baby steps.  Dealing with the moments as they happen.  Now they don't happen so frequently; I can't tell if that makes this easier or more difficult.  Maybe the level of difficulty doesn't matter at all.  It's what I'm feeling right now and these are the emotions that I need to work through.  Focus on right now.  Stay here.  I'm doing really well.  It's okay to say that.  I'm allowing it to flow through me and out of me.

I've never felt "normal" again just after a panic attack.  I don't feel normal now but I feel like I can face the world again.  I feel like I can turn around and go to him.  I'm not even afraid that it may make me cry.  These tears will not be tears of fear anymore but rather tears of guilt.  He's done nothing to deserve this; why must he pay for the mistakes from another man?  It's far more serious to me, I know.  I know he doesn't feel like my emotions are a burden.  He just wants to help.   He's afraid too.  He's afraid he's done something wrong; that's he's hurt me in some way.  He has no reason to fear.   All he's done is love me too much.  I'm not used to it.  I don't know how to handle it.