From weddings and new beginnings to a far darker and more morbid topic: lethal injection. Yes, folks this is how my brain fluctuates from the happiness of wedding planning to the contemplation of the darker sides of life. It is said that it is considered a common to spend my than $10,000 on two parties in your lifetime. One is for your wedding and the other is for your death. One is a happy affair full of new beginnings and is normally one that is planned by you and the other is a far more somber affair that is normally planned by the loved ones you left behind as they try to begin a new life without you. I have to admit that knowing this, it makes me want to plan my own funeral; make sure there is enough money set aside for the preparations, think about the music and the readings that I'd like to be read. Yes, I know morbid yes.
Truth is, I do have a very dark side to my thoughts. It's a duality which I think always existed within me; the quieter hidden side of me. I'd spend the days happy, joyful, and full of optimism but at night or when I was left alone to do my own thing I'd sit or pace while pondering the darker sides of life. I'd make myself physically ill when I read and thought about cruelty that existed in this world trying to come to terms that there are people in the universe who do get perverse pleasure in torturing others. I couldn't understand it. I didn't understand why torture needed to be showcased in films, documentaries, and stories. These thoughts made me ill, terrified me, and fascinated me in equal measure. My high school boyfriend, one of the few who discovered this about me, was always will to show me or introduce me to more horrific events or torture devices; at the time I thought it meant that he understood my fear and hated it as much as I did but looking back, I think he enjoyed making me cry or scaring me senseless.
Even today, my mind goes there. There are many reasons why I watch all the crime shows that I do which I have discuss here in the past. Something about this desire to hurt others is so incredibly foreign to me and I feel like I'm on this quest to try and understand. Maybe if I understand what causes people to do these things, maybe we can figure out how to prevent it or evolve past it. What I'm learning is that it seems to be just a part of human nature; the juxtaposition to selflessness and desire to do good. Would we understand pleasure and good works if pain and horrific events didn't occur? I don't know.
It scares me to think that I'm glad for what happened to me back in high school. I told my mother that I'm glad I dated him and went through that because it has made me appreciate Dave all the more. Is that true though? Would I love Dave or appreciate what we have any less if I hadn't been abused? It's a disturbing thought even if it is me just trying to terms with what happened or find peace. My ex wasn't punished for what he did by law and the last time I spoke with him he said he went into a buddhist monastery where he learned a lot. I don't know how much of that I believe since the majority of our relationship was founded on lies but I have to believe that it's true. I have to believe that he found peace, that he has learned to understand and overcome whatever it was within him that caused him to want to hurt and or control me. Above all, I do believe that people can change.
My time is up and I never did get to the lethal injection part of what I wanted to write about. It's always interesting how a post can take on a life of its own. Mainly, I was going to say that I don't believe in lethal injection as a form of punishment. I have the optimistic reasoning that I do firmly believe that people can and do change and I want all criminals to have that opportunity. My second reasoning isn't so bunnies and kittens. If there are monsters out there who commit horrific crimes with little to no remorse, lethal injection is an easy way out. It works by first putting you to sleep and then stopping your heart. It also seems too humane in some ways; though I would never advocate for any other method of being put to death. If I had to choose, lethal injection sounds like a lovely way to go. I don't know about anyone else but I fear how much my death is going to hurt when it eventually happens. How much suffering will I have to endure? These people on death row, they know exactly how they will die and they know it will be peaceful. There is a comfort and a luxury that they have over the rest of us which bothers me because many times they have taken lives in exact way I fear my life may be taken.
I don't know why all these thoughts came to the forefront of my mind today but there they are. Obviously, I still have a lot of work to do despite my tremendous progress but I am willing to do this work. I'm willing to think and learn and reflect until I find some sort of peace.
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