Whirlwind

Writing has been super difficult recently. For the past week or so I've felt closed off and reluctant to express myself in words. Therapy today was full of tears again but I have little desire to put it down on paper. Some times my feelings just flow onto the page with little effort on my part and other times (like now) it's like pulling teeth. I think part of it was not feeling so well. My intention today was to go into work and make up some extra hours so I wouldn't have to use a sick day. I'm not sure how many days I have and there is this whole upcoming wedding and honeymoon thing that I'm going to need days off for. However, after my therapy appointment the last thing I was up for was taking phone calls and putting on a happy face.

I determined that I needed to use my time for me today but at the same time I didn't particularly want to go back home. Our apartment is a mess and I knew I would be end up being overwhelmed by it all and I would just end up watching television and searching mindlessly on the internet avoiding everything that was recently discuss. Something that my therapist strongly cautioned me against today. So I did what I always tend to do and I drove to my special place in Gloucester, MA. I meant to stop there and think but I needed food so I ended up driving to the center of town and bought pizza at a place that was having it's grand opening. The slice was huge and delicious. Full and feeling much more calm, I went for a drive up to Rockport along the ocean. It was beautiful and calming and just what I needed.

Soon I was singing along to the radio and having a grand ol' time. It was gorgeous summer day and for the first time in a while, I felt like I was actually enjoying myself rather than just going through the motions. It was nice.   Just to be clear, my tears had little to do with Greg but for the first time, I started addressing what happened during college when I was trying to become a teacher.   For whatever reason, my mind feels like it's done enough with the whole relationship piece and has moved on to my failure in college. I knew eventually I would get here but I didn't quite expect it just yet. However, my most recent nightmares and thoughts before or just after sleep have shifted to the teaching/career situation. It's frustrating because it's like I'm beginning all over again.

Anyway, it's not something I wish to discuss right now. I just wanted those who read this to know that these thoughts have shifted. So yeah, good day overall.