Today is another one of those days when I wish I could turn on publicity with my post. I realized just now that I could probably write it as a draft and never actually publish it. That would save it on this blog but not as a finished entry. I discovered through Jamie that you can password protect a post on Wordpress. The more I look at Wordpress, the more I'm finding myself liking it. My next bit of writing will probably end up there. For those of you who don't know, I am tossing around writing an actual, more "typical" blog after I get married. It's not fully flushed out yet but I'm getting there. I've just got to figure out exactly what I'm looking to do with it. Get to the details.
Unlike Katie, I'm not so good with details. Okay, that's not 100% true. I'm actually quite alright with details, it's just that they require an extra amount of focus. When you start flushing out details, you really start to make choices. The idea is no longer free-flowing around in your head changing and contorting as you mood continues to sway. As each detail becomes set, the idea becomes something more concrete. It begins to come to fruition, a reality. I do have a tendency to shy away from finishing things. I'm phenomenal at starting things but finishing them, that's an entire beast all together. Even this blog, I'm afraid I won't make it to December. About an hour ago, I was ready to throw in the towel all together. Last night's post barely qualifies as a post and tonight I kept thinking, "what's the point? I can't narrow down my thoughts and I've completely blocked myself off from my feelings again. What the hell would I write about anyway? Last night's post is perfectly fitting for the way that I usually end things."
Tonight, things sort of blew up. Dave could tell something was bothering me and then brought up a potential job position he just found out about and I just got really, really angry and frustrated. There was little reason for it. I wasn't angry at Dave, not at first anyway I just feel so much anger and frustration with life right now and I haven't the slightest reason for it. Even my ranting provided few answers other than I feel like I've stagnated and I'm stuck in some cycle that I didn't fully choose. I'm feel like I'm on that rotary from National Lampoon's vacation when they keep going around in circles but are too intimidated and unsure of which exit to take. This would be so much easier if I knew what I wanted to do; if I had some clear goal in mind. Life was so much simpler when it was, "I want to be a teacher." Now, it's I don't know what I want but I don't want this. I don't want to walk toward one unknown only to fall off a cliff again and have to start over.
Sigh, I've got to figure out something eventually... I just hope I do before I find myself legitimately insane.
Things that may or may not help: I love you, and I am really, really proud of you for keeping up with this for a whole half a year! <3
ReplyDeleteThe idea is no longer free-flowing around in your head changing and contorting as you mood continues to sway. As each detail becomes set, the idea becomes something more concrete. It begins to come to fruition, a reality.
This is actually my biggest problem with writing. Amorphous ideas: yay! Actually getting concrete ideas down on paper: nooooo! So you're not alone in that.
I'm sorry that you feel so stagnant. It's one of the worst feelings. But actually choosing a path is just too terrifying sometimes. Be kind to yourself, it's not as easy as just picking something out of a hat. You'll find your way eventually.
And also: I love you!