This might be a good post if it wasn't horribly written

Thank goodness today was a better day than yesterday.  It's been a while since I've had panic attacks like I've had this week and I've forgotten just how terrible and exhausting they can be.  Like when I get a migraine, the pain is immense but after the pain goes away you forget just how bad hurt.  You just look back and think, oh God that was absolutely awful but that memory completely pales in comparison to re-experiencing it.  As my therapist says, "it's nice to have a respite."  Yes, it most definitely is more than nice to not feel like your world is crashing around you all the time even though absolutely nothing changed.  The thing is, I thought I was doing so much better.  At my last session, I even burst into tears because I was afraid to be better.  It sucks to have undergone trauma but at least it was an excuse for my crazy.  What will be the reason for my crazy once I'm all better?

Because she is incredibly wise she pointed out that just because I've stopped experiencing the symptoms of post traumatic stress doesn't actually mean that I'm "better."  As she said, in many ways this is where the real healing begins except that apparently my symptoms are back?  Really, WTF?  Sometimes this whole thing is so incredibly frustrating.   It's like some weird unseen presence is just waiting in the wings.  Just when I think I'm starting to get a bit better, I feel like the presence just jumps out and slaps me in the face.  So yeah, how about I just never let myself think I'm doing better?  Yeah, that's a good plan.  I am forever a crazy symptomatic person no matter how good I feel at any given time.  

I'm not sure which is worse, the panic or the anger.  The panic as terrible as that is I've learned to tolerate a bit better.  The anger?  I know I'm being an absolute bitch but I don't have the slightest idea why or any inclination that I should calm the hell down.  This morning, I was freaking out on Dave because the sound on my computer wasn't working.  It was all done over instant message with me typing angrily screaming, "No, the speakers are plugged into MY computer but there isn't any sound.  You never set anything up fully and everything is such a process!"  What makes this worse was that part of what was causing the panic episodes was this fear that I didn't want to actually marry Dave.  I gave myself one of those free online tarot readings and it gave me something like, "false love, infatuation that will end in the sacrificing of oneself  and dreams"  kind of things and despite my better judgement I actually let it sway me a bit.  "Do I really love Dave? blah, blah, blah."  So with this in the back of my mind, I for some reason think this is the perfect time to listen to potential wedding music.  So I go to my computer and the sound won't work which to me, in my crazy, meant that we weren't supposed to get married.

After all was said and done, it turned out that the speakers were actually plugged into Dave's computer  and not into mine despite my raging insistence.  It was a humbling moment when I realized, "wow, I'm an asshole."  Dave, like always, took this in stride.  I'm not sure what's more disturbing, me acting like this or him not being all that offended by it.  Needless to say, it was sort of the moment that broke the crazy.  Something about all that said to me, "okay Denise, are you quite done with being utterly ridiculous? Really? Yes? Good."  Then Dave got to come home early from work and we made up the way most married couples should and life seems better again.