Gratitude

It's days like this when I am so thankful for this blog.  Really.  Without this blog, I don't think I would have ever expressed my fears and doubts about getting married.  It's something that is impossible to talk about to people but not so difficult to write, for me anyway.  Had I not expressed my concerns last night, I would never have receive the two amazing e-mails from Katie and my mother today.   Though I've read them both now, I still can't put words to just how encouraging and moving what they said to me.   Their heartfelt words of wisdom brought tears to my eyes and the only way I can think of responding is by discussing some of what they said.

For those of you who don't remember, Katie is one of my bridesmaids.  The only one who has already gone through the getting married process.  My mother and my father have been married for over thirty years and have been together as a couple for almost forty.  In both of their e-mails, they mentioned that there were doubts but no regrets.  Sure I heard that having cold feet is completely normal, but it's different when you actually hear that two people who have relationships you admire also doubted theirs at times. My mother even  said the nightmares are normal, "I just want you to know that I think everyone asks similar questions, especially as a wedding gets closer, they just often don't admit them. Nightmares are common too (maybe not as vivid as yours - LOL!).  It often happens when you are pregnant too." Thinking about it objectively, it totally makes sense but last night I couldn't see it objectively.  All I saw was my panic.  Katie brought to my attention that the majority of my worries are based in "What if" thinking.  I'm notorious for "what if" thinking.  My therapist calls it "catastrophizing."

Katie, also reminded me the exact way to combat it.  I need to live in the moment.  She wrote, "Who says that making a choice everyday to be with someone and soul mates are mutually exclusive? I make a choice everyday to be with my soul mate. I make a choice to live this moment. I make a choice to refuse to let the "what-ifs?" take it away from me."  Honestly, I couldn't agree with her more.  At some point yesterday I had made this distinction between choice and soul mate.  In my mind, you couldn't choose to be with your soul mate everyday. If that person was your soul mate, I thought that a choice wasn't necessary.  However, Katie reminded me that it doesn't have to be one or the another.  I can be both.  More importantly though, she emphasized how important it is for me to evaluate and make my decision based on how I feel now.  So much of my anxiety recently is a result of dwelling in the past or panicking about the future.  Doing this, I haven't really given myself anytime to just enjoy this process. 


Katie also addressed my fears regarding divorce making sure to remind me that if it does end up happening, it's nothing to be ashamed about.  It's true.  I don't feel like anyone should be feel ashamed that they went through a divorce and I would contest anyone who said that they "failed" at marriage.  Still, last night I was terrified that Dave and I would "fail" at marriage and there could be nothing more shameful.  I want to copy and paste her whole paragraph because it was so insightful.  She was totally right when she mentioned that "Statistics and reports love to scare us with the high divorce rate, but the fact of the matter is times of changed." It something you hear constantly when you are planning a wedding almost like there are people who are trying to dissuade you from making that kind of commitment.  Katie also said that there are many reasons that people divorce but that it's about choices.  How one handles a divorce is a choice too, "How to handle a divorce is also a choice. Honestly, its not the fact that its a legally binding relationship that makes divorce so awful, its the fact that this is someone you have most likely had in your life for years, possibly decades. If you and Dave break up in ten years its not going to be any less difficult if you're not married."  Just because Dave and I might choose to go our separate ways doesn't necessary mean that we become horrific people in the process.  


Finally, both Katie and my mom also emphasized the foundation that Dave and I have already established.  My other was quick to remind me, "Dave loves you very much and you love him. You are both honest, trustworthy, and respect each other. You have an ability to communicate that I wish I had when I was younger. Dave is supportive of your growth as a person, as you are for him.And you enjoy each other's company and have fun!"  Katie wrote, "finding someone who can handle your personal brand of crazy (and we all have it), who makes you feel content, who wants the same things as you is a beautiful thing. From the way you talk about Dave and the way I see you together I think you meet this criteria for each other." I love that one of her requirements is finding someone who can handle your own personal brand of crazy; it's so incredibly appropriate.  


Honestly, I feel like the only way to end this post is with Katie and my mother's words.  My mother ended her e-mail with, "There are no guarantees in life - that's what makes it such an adventure - good and bad."  Katie ended hers with, "You believe in marriage. You have wonderful role models. You're self-aware. You're a fighter. Don't let all the "what-ifs?" get in the way of the miraculous journey you're about to embark on. It really is an adventure worth taking."  Having a good nights sleep, reading both of these e-mails, and having a wonderful conversation helped me more than I can even begin to say.  I can safely say that my feelings toward marrying Dave have been reaffirmed.  I do want that adventure!