Okay I've got 15 minutes until my midnight deadline. Let's write this! First of all, I need to remark on the incredible Bruins Stanley Cup win tonight! What a great game to watch! Let me just say that I'm not the biggest Bruins fan. I've always wanted to get into hockey but just never did. Unlike baseball, it wasn't on every single day during the summer while I was growing up so I never got the chance to learn and love the game the same way. My sister and her boyfriend are huge fans though. It took a while to convert my sister; for years while she resented the game due to it being the reason for many missed date nights. However, as the whole saying goes, "if you can't beat 'em, join em." A couple of years ago she too fell in love with the game as well and they have religiously followed each game of the season even going to a couple of the playoff games. As the Bruins scored each of their four goals, I cheered but more for my sister and Ben than the actual Bruins. Who knows, maybe even I'll become a "bandwagon fan" in the next coming years!
In totally unrelated news.... after the thoroughly depressing post of last night, I actually take a step forward earlier this morning. For the past couple of weeks, I've been having this recurring nightmare. The dream begins while I'm at some random party where I know very few people. At a certain point, everyone turns to greet someone and it's my long time friend Darcy. Upon first seeing her, I'm really happy because it's been so long but then I realize that she brought him. Immediately I freeze and try to find a way out before he notices me. Of course, that is impossible and he ushers over to me, gets on his knees in front of everyone and begins sobbing telling me how sorry he is, what a monster he was and begging me to forgive him. For those who never met him or didn't know me while I was in that relationship, that isn't a real apology not matter how sincere it looks. I know that this is a show for everyone at the party. It's his way of manipulating me; he's hoping that I'll flip out of him and seem like some crazy bitch so that he can then play the victim in front of everyone.
Knowing this, all I can do at first is stare at him like a frozen statue half furious that he do this again and half marveling at just how convincing he appears. I feel every single one of my former defenses come back up and I feel that oh so familiar former feeling of detachment once again. Like always, all I can think about is everyone around me. Embarrassed, fearful, angry all I am able to utter is, "it's okay" before turning and racing for the door. He tries to grab for my hand but I'm able to swing it away from his grasp and as run through the door I hear him sobbing something like, "Why won't she forgive me?" Oddly enough, the first thing that comes to my head is that I will never be able to look at anyone who was in that room ever again because by the time they see me again, he will have convinced them what a terrible person I am. For whatever reason, Dave isn't with me in this dream and I'm in the middle of Davis Square without a car. Nervous that he may try and follow me, I determine that the safest place would be the police station so I set out in search of it. As I open the doors to the station, I suddenly find myself back at the party. The dream has lapped itself. Within a few moments, he walks in and the whole dream repeats itself.
I can't even begin to tell you how many times this same scene replayed over and over again in my recent dreams. When I told my therapist about it, she asked me why I thought I kept returning back to that scene; what am I not resolving. I didn't have an answer at all so I just briefly recapped it again. The second time she jumped on it saying, "but it's not okay. What he did to you wasn't okay and your saying it is and walking out is keeping you the victim. Why do you have to leave the party?" I explain that it's because I don't want to cause a scene. I know that if I say anything aside from it's okay and leave, he will contort it to make it seem like he was the victim. He was the master of turning the tables on me. I tell her that it's too scary to go through all that again. It's just easier to walk away. Her and I discuss some of the underlying feelings around this imagery and that she reminded me that this why my dream.
My dream. Why should I be victimized in my own dream? Clearly my subconscious is trying to get me to face something. Deep down, I'm begging myself to stand up to him and say what I really feel. My therapist suggested that before going to sleep at night, I think about some of the things I would say the next time the dream occurred. For the past couple of days, the things I came up with I also was able to counter with what I figured would be his responses and I just couldn't get past it. However, this morning, while I was still groggy I thought about the dream again and this time I finally did it. I finally thought the thoughts that I hope have moved me past this ridiculous dream. This morning was different since it was the first time I've thought about it and haven't felt miserable. I felt stronger. I continued to replay it again, changing some of the wording when I was more awake and I felt even better. By the time Dave left for work, all I could think about was that I needed a shower and after my shower I felt like a semi new person.
Of course, I'm still just hoping that this means my subconscious won't continue to put me through that dream. I'm hoping that it was enough but if not, it will be another thing I can discuss with my therapist. Ah well, even if I do have the dream again it still felt nice so feel so empowered this morning. That's got to be worth something, right?
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