I've got some serious commitment issues

I failed at the whole waking up at 9am this morning.  Although I didn't have the Greg coming to the party nightmare again, my dreams were full of displeasure.  I had two back to back nightmares.    One was one of those typical nightmares where it was all about being possess by demons and was completely supernatural.  Think the dark side of Ghost Whisperer... I think that was actually how the dream started.   That one was disturbing because a lot of yellow eyes and evil was involved.  The other, had to do with teaching.  I have a lot of nightmares relating to teaching too.  This one consisted of me being forced to substitute and not seeing the teacher's lessons plans.  I end up doing a whole bunch of things completely unrelated and don't see the lesson plans until long after the day is over.   The teacher comes back and is super angry with me but despite this still wants me to teach the next day.  The next day I come in and I'm being watched and none of the kids will listen to me and I have absolutely no classroom management.

Gah, it was just frustrating and depressing.  I woke up super of late and end up being depressed.  However, then I ended up reading a practical wedding article entitled, The Wedding I Should of Called Off, and immediately proceeded to get anxious.  I think it was this quote more than anything that got me, "What is marriage after all, if not a day-to-day negotiation with someone who you decide to make a life with?...Marriage is a decision every day, every minute. Love is work, everybody knows that. Fairy tale soul mates are just that—fairy tales. Real love is deciding to be together over and over, even when it is hard, and we do love each other."  Honestly, that's exactly what I believe but this is how she convinced herself to marry a man she thought wasn't the best fit for her.  Later on she states, "My fiancé is my soul mate. Fairy tales do exist" as she refers to her new fiance.   So yeah, this article got me anxious about my relationship with Dave.  Does the fact that I don't believe in fairy tale relationships or think that real love is "deciding to be together over and over" mean that I just haven't met the right guy?  


I'm also reading this other book called, The Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss.  In her book she discusses that most people refuse to listen to their "Divine Guidance" or "gut feeling" because it's not convenient or too difficult.  Most of her examples consist of married couples who deny their deep feelings and only "listen" when they go through the hell that is ending their relationships.  Many of them say that, "it was hard but I'm so glad I did because I know that's what I was meant to do."  I had to listen to God and leave my husband.  Why?  I guess, this leaves me with two worries... one, why do so many people choose to marry if deep down they know the person isn't the right fit?  and two, "if they did love the person they married, why would God suddenly speak to them to leave it?"  I know that I'm probably reading it with my own biases but honestly, I can't help but get anxious with these kinds of discussions.  


As I was describing it to Dave.  Calling off the wedding doesn't scare me because I would still want to be with him.  It's the actual act of marriage.  When I initially met Dave, my thoughts were "He's definitely not Not the One. He could be the person I will marry one day."  Unlike Greg where is was "NO!" from the first date or Brian who was like, "He's what I need right now, but probably not forever."  At some point in my relationship with Brian, I realized that he indeed wasn't the right person for me (I quite literally remember that exact moment) but still stayed in the relationship. This hasn't happened with Dave but what if one day it does.  What if we get into an argument and I feel, "God, this isn't what I want anymore..."  What if he feels that way?  Then we are married and the only way out is a divorce; something so much more devastating than a traditional breakup.  Marriage is a lifelong commitment.  How does one know that the person they are marry is the right one and will continue to be the right one forever.  I've always heard the saying, "You just know."  But I don't "just know."  It feels right at this moment in time and I'm confident that Dave and I can last but I'm not 100% certain of it.  Should I be?  Is anyone?  Would it be better to call of the wedding as a whole and just stay together until one of us feels differently (if that happens)  just in case?  


These are the thoughts that worry me.  I can't control the future and I honestly don't know which direction we are each going to grow in the future.  What if we grow apart?  What will happen then?  I don't want to be one of those couples who get divorced.  It terrifies me.   More than anything, I don't want us to grow to hate and resent each other.  I love him more than I've ever loved any other man but I'm scared of that changing...