I so forgot to write again and I'm super tired tonight. Dave sent me an article about sleep and it actually didn't make me feel guilty. So many articles I've read recently were telling me that sleeping more than 8 hours is unhealthy but this one really stressed that the amount of sleep you need is completely dependent on a variety of factors such as physical exertion, mental exertion, and diet. Yes, I sort of already knew this but it mentioned that is can vary daily. One day you might need 6 hours and another 10 dependent on a combination of the above factors. It also stressed that mental exertion is just as powerful as physical exertion. One doesn't have to do manual labor or exercise for hours and hours a day to feel tired; if one has a mentally stressful job or is suffering from anxiety or depression or some other affliction of the mind they too may need more than the usual 7-8 recommended hours.
It's strange. In this society I feel guilty if I get eight hours of sleep. If I get any more than that, well I'm just a lazy sack of crap. I didn't always sleep this much. God knows I considered five hours of sleep a "full night's rest" back when I was in college when I average 3-4 hours a night (no, that's not an exaggeration despite my usual propensity to do so). Perhaps this is just what's necessary for me right now. Sure I may not be having multiple panic attacks on a daily basis like I used to but I'm still struggling with both my anxiety, depression, anger, etc. I mean really, have you read this recently? My mind, though with the help of medication, has slowed to a rate I can tolerate, it's still constantly racing. I'm not physically stressed out like I was in college or trying to cope with a difficult job. This is an emotional stress though completely different from stressing over having to write a fifteen page paper in five hours but it can still be felt physically. I remember after I wrote one of those papers or finished a big project for teaching, the tension in my shoulders was painful. That was stress. Today, that tension is almost a constant. That's also stress; just of a different sort.
Everyday I'm learning to deal with my feelings. I know that eventually I may find a better equilibrium with managing my emotional distress. Anxiety and Depression aren't "curable" but rather managed. Post Traumatic Stress can be treated and processed to a healthier mental place as opposed to be completely suppress or symptomatic but at the end of the day the trauma still happened. It doesn't go away ever but it is integrated in a way that it doesn't continue to plague you. Wow, the fact that I've written that sentence and actually trust it shows me just how much progress I've already made. When I went into therapy I wanted to learn how to block it out, I wasn't naive enough to think that I could forget it entirely but I wanted it compartmentalized in my brain so I could close that drawer never to look upon it again. Sure enough, when I got there that was exactly what I had been doing since it all happened. Now the drawer had burst open and the memories were being thrown all over the room and I was racing to put them all back but couldn't.
Yes, that is a really strange metaphor but I think that is what I'm known for and it works. When I went into therapy, the memories and feelings and physical responses were completely out of control and bouncing around the room that was my head. Someone unknowing opened that toxic drawer that was already full to the brim begging to be noticed and there was no way I was going to get any of them back inside. Therapy has helped me control the chaos. Really, some of these memories and feeling just needed to be acknowledged. Now that I have they settled down and no longer disturb me. They are hidden anymore but rather have fallen asleep. Every once in a while, one wakes up and pokes at me but I've learned how to handle it now. Of course, there are still quite a few bouncing around my room that I can seem to catch and deal with yet but I'm getting there. I need to be kinder to myself. It takes only seconds to destroy something that took years to build and may take years to rebuild.
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