Safe place

I went back to work for the first time since I spoke with everyone about my life.  Well, technically I went to work yesterday but no one is there on Sundays with the exception of 3 of us so I'm not counting that. I must say, I think that talking with them and sharing what I was going through has taken a huge weight off my shoulders.  Waking up today, I didn't feel as anxious about going to work.  It's also a very, very comforting that I have Thursdays off again.  I think the split weekend was wrecking me.  It's amazing how important those two days off are especially when working late into the evening.  

One of my coworkers talked with me last Tuesday and shared that she also suffers from severe anxiety.  Though not exactly the same as mine, there was a lot I could relate to.  One of the major things she said that really stuck with me was that she has made work her "safe" place.   She said that she enjoyed coming to work now because it's one of the few places where she feels safest.  I know that might sound really weird for those who don't have anxiety issue or even for some who do but that made so much sense to me.  I too, could easily work to make where I work feel "safe" for me.  

Already, I felt so much better walking in today with that in mind.  It's true.  Because we have so much personal information, our security is actually pretty top notch.  After a certain hour, the whole building locks down and she need an access card to just get into the building.  More than that though, to access our company, you need your fingerprint as the door will only unlock if you scan the finger that is on file. Anyone not employed by the company must be escorted by someone who is and must be signed in.  Not every company is so secure and that obviously is key to my feeling safe.  

Of course, "safety" isn't all about being physically safe for people with anxiety like mine.  It's about feeling safe mentally as well.  That's really what I've been struggling with recently.  I've been afraid of some of the callers, what they'd say, how'd they say it, how I would respond, etc.  In addition, my anxiety about making mistakes has gone up and I just want to do my job well.  More than anything, I've been anxious about being anxious.  It's so much harder handling the calls and the aggravated cardholders when you feel like the world is shaking underneath your feet.  Then, of course, there's always that chance that you're going to lose it and just outright panic, in front of everyone.  

Since my conversation with my boss and my team lead as well as my email to coworkers those feelings have somewhat abated.  Not entirely, of course (I wish it was like switch) but I'm getting there.  Just knowing that people are aware of what can or could happen and that they are understanding of it has really helped me feel safer mentally.  Like I said, I can't change everything overnight but I am certainly working to try to make my work a "safer" place for me to work.