Dave just made a sleepy sounding noise in the next room and I thought that I should type this up really quickly so we can get to bed. It's the small things like this that make me so incredibly happy. To be honest, I doubt I could accurately describe the noise I heard that indicated his sleepiness. It wasn't a sound that he produced really but rather the sound of a clattering of keys on the keyboard of his computer that one make me if they started to slowly drift off in front of the screen. He does that a lot preferring to sleep at his computer than to admit that he's tired before I am and go to bed. It's the sad side effect for my being overly demanding when we first started dating and he had mono.
Since that part of our relationship where I would get annoyed by his working all day and crashing as soon as he got home leaving no time for me when our relationship was still brand new and we should be passionately enjoying every moment. Being in one other healthy relationship, I knew that those moments were fleeting and that after a while the two people slowly settle into a habitual routine that is not necessarily worse than the initial stages of love but different. That and despite not wanting to admit it to myself, I had a deep feeling that this would be the last time I would "fall in love." I had no wildly romantic notions of us marrying at the time and actually was actively repelled by those thoughts initially but I had come to the conclusion that I knew he was not "not the one."
That was a huge step from my last two relationships. With Greg I knew almost immediately that he was not the person I wanted to be with forever. When we first started dating in October, I refused to think ahead to sharing Christmas during those times that he would bring it up. I would coldly and nonchalantly say, "if we last that long." I don't know if my lack of interest turned him on at the time but he never seemed thrown by it. If anything, I think it made him more determine to change my mind. I know I never planned on it lastly very long but he moved so quickly and I turned 16 less than two months later and then everything changed. Sometimes I wonder if he would have ever pursued me if I was only a year younger. If I had been Jamie's age (she was born in the same month but a year after me) and not considered "legal" for another whole year would he have even bothered? I doubt it especially knowing now about him being guilty of child-rape. I mean, he must have been under some sort of court order about being around minors. He was lucky that he was 15 when it happened or he probably would have found himself in jail. Where was that wake up call to his parents?
I still remember the day he was driving my car home from the 4th of July. Both Jamie and I were drifting off to sleep when I was awoken by the flashing lights of a police car and him begging me to switch seats with him. He was almost frantic. Of course, I was too sleepy to really acknowledge much more than just how impractical and obvious it would be for us to switch places with the cop pulling up beside us. Unfortunately, he was not being pulled over. He cop just came alongside him and said something about slowly down or a light or something and drove away. I remember how visibly relieved he was and how he practically shaking. I didn't think about it much at the time but looking back I have a feeling that a whole lot of the unanswered questions I had about him would have been learned. Would it have been brutal? Very but at least I would have found out the answers to some of the questions that still plague me.
That was a totally random tangent to what I initially was beginning to post. Anyway, I knew with certainty that Greg wasn't the guy for me and stayed because I thought I had to between my faith and his manipulation. When I started dating Brian, I also knew that he wasn't the person I would one day marry but I really liked him and figured he was a "Mr. Right Now" as opposed to "Mr. Right." He then shocked me by almost completely changing once he became my "boyfriend." It was like, I was no longer an equal but a princess that he had to serve. For a girl who had been abused, I ate it up at first and I fell really hard for him but after a few years, I realized I wanted someone who would be himself with me and not who he thought I wanted him to be. Instead of being jealous that he might want to date other girls, I found myself jealous of the girls who could bring out that side of him. I hated that he felt like he couldn't share certain things with me, that he never (ever) criticized me even when I had purposely pushed too far in the hope to get some sort of reaction.
I would find myself begging for him to be honest too. He never outright lied to me like Greg did but he certainly lied with omission. If I was naive enough to believe it, not only could I do absolutely no wrong but I was also the most beautiful person in the world. Maybe this is what some girls want from their guy but for me it just screamed disloyalty in a whole different way. I know I was not the only girl he found attractive (he even tried to deny that models weren't as attractive all the while brandishing a super hot blonde as his computer screensaver) and that he found many of my personality flaws to be quite annoying and just refused to express it. To me, that's dishonesty. Sure, I can be fragile and I have issues with my self-esteem his outright denial just made things worse. I assumed that I was far less attractive and a horrible human being because I knew that he would never say it.
Brian was an amazing guy. Seriously, one of my biggest complaints was that he told me I was prettiest girl ever and that he never expressed irritation. What girl wouldn't want that? So in my head, I thought count your blessing and forget about the holes. Though, I wouldn't admit it at time I'm really glad that he broke up with me. I don't think I would have ever been able to do it. Of course, he broke up with me because of something I told him but that's a different story for another day. I'm glad that it didn't work out after all. I wasn't the girl for him and I always knew that. If anything, I knew that more than I knew he wasn't guy for me.
Dave, on the other hand, was different. From the moment we met there was a certain ease. A naturalness to our interaction that made it feel like we knew each other forever. When I was falling in love with him I remember thinking, "remember this feeling, this might be it. If it is, this will be the last time you fall in love like this." Of course, it's not all about the "falling in love" no matter how much books, movies, and television shows try to glamorize it. Being in love is so much better in some ways and you do continue to "fall in love." It's just not the same as when you initially meet and you're both new and everything is exciting. I'm glad I took the time to remember the feeling; however, I think I like the way I'm feeling now so much more.
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