Baby Steps

I made it through the dentist this morning.  I'm just chock full of tiny successes in overcoming my anxiety issues.  During the day these past two days I've spent my time at Barnes and Noble reading about Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, trying to be proactive about it.  Truth is, I've allow it to get the best of me recently.  I got so tired of fighting that I just stopped.  I gave up and stopping trying.  For the first time though, I am not blaming myself for it nor am I blaming anyone else.  I've been struggling for over two years now and I was bound to get overwhelmed and give up at some point.

However, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf.  I've got to get to work tomorrow.  I made plans with Katie, Jared, Alli, and Nate for Saturday night which I'm also proud of because I've recently allowed myself to become a hermit.  Dave is going to a bachelor's party that night so I originally just planned to stay at home and watch movies and have a night to myself.  Had I still been in my "I give up" state, I would've tried to find some excuse to not go to Katie's and just stayed at home like a hermit where I am most comfortable.  It's not that I don't want to hang out with them but I've felt like I haven't been all that much fun to be around. That plus the effort of getting up or getting off the couch to actually interact and engage with others rather than mindlessly avoiding everything with movies or t.v. shows seemed too much to power through before.

It's still requires a lot of effort; my new mindset hasn't changed that fact yet.  However, now I'm working diligently to get through it.  Does it leave me feeling exhausted?  Yes.  Do I feel fatigued? Yes.  Do I just want to curl back into bed and not deal with the world?  Most definitely but I can't.  That only perpetuates the problem.   Of course, there are going to be times when it gets to be too much and I have to listen to my body and not try to push myself to hard or too fast into things.  Having a massive panic attack in public, at work, or with friends would be super counter-productive.  I haven't had one outside of this apartment yet and I'd like to keep it that way.

I have the tools though.  I have my medication, if I need it.  More than that I have really decent people who will understand if I reach my limits and can no longer be there.  My work gets it and will allow me to go home if need be.  Katie and Alli certainly won't force me to stay longer than I'm comfortable though I know that they would both prefer to be there for me.  However, I hate panicking.  Dave's the only one who's seen it and that's only because he lives with me and has no choice.  I still hate that he's seen it, that he's had to deal with it.  In reality, I know that once I get to Katie's I'm going to have a great time so I don't really have anything to worry about.

So yeah, I'm hoping that I can continue with my successes.  As small as they may be, I need to start somewhere.