Reflections after therapy

After my therapy appointment, I couldn't bring myself to work extra hours today.   It was an emotional appointment that left me feeling a need to process it.  So I found myself driving around aimlessly for hours half listening to NPR and half trying to process what was discuss during our session.   Driving around is so incredibly therapeutic for me.  It's one of those things you have to be present for; you can't take your attention off the road.  That focus somehow allows me to think about our discussion without being overwhelmed by it.   There is the ability to maintain some distance without dissociating and try to incorporate it to determine where to go from here.  

What do I do with what we discussed today?  That's always the hardest part after my therapy sessions.  So much of it is working to change my thinking but that's so much easier said than done.  I know that I'm safe and my husband is someone I can trust; however, I don't always feel that way.  Sometimes I'm convinced that there's something I'm missing about Dave.  It's like I keep waiting for me to find out that he's betrayed me in some way with secrets or an affair so something.  Isn't that terrible?  I'm a horrible wife, I know.  It's like I'm living in a flashback in some way.  Logically, I know I'm safe and everything is okay but it feels like I'm still living it.  So now, it's just a matter of using "self-talk" whenever I get into those modes.  

After driving for a while, I found that I wasn't content with just using the positive self talk.  I wanted to do something more so I made my way to the closest Barnes and Noble to do some more reading on the topic. There I found a book that was different than many of the others I read.  This book came at PTSD as both a biological and psychological disorder.  Of course, by biological he was referring to legitimate brain damage from many concussions or some other sort of head trauma which doesn't affect me.  However, he gives some ideas on how to heal or repair the brain through sleep and diet.  Some of it overlapped with many of the other things I read but I don't know it, this just sort of sat with me.  Maybe because while I was reading it, I thought more of my cousin than myself so it wasn't so personal.  I sat there, took notes, and though I'm still not sure if I'll be implementing any of it, I felt like I was doing more than just trying to utilize self-talk.  

As much as I wanted to go into work, I'm glad I didn't and took the time to care for myself.