Sometimes I get really scared. Fearful of the world. Fearful of myself. Fearful that Dabey is going to lose his shit over trying to make homemade cookies. Okay, I'm not really fearful about the last one. He just likes to swear at the things he doesn't understand. Luckily, he understands me. I think he understands me better than me sometimes. Other times, I feel badly for him because other times I feel like if he truly understood then he'd run so far away in the opposite direction.
Damaged goods. Yes, that's what I am. I'm the product that was jostled too many time during the commute to the home that by the time that it was received, it was only able to function at 47% instead of 100. Perhaps it wasn't made strong enough to begin with? Maybe it was defective long before they packaged it up and sent it to the consumer. I don't know but these poor consumers, well they don't know any better. They never experienced anything like this product. They don't know that they are getting just barely more than 53% usage out of it. They don't realize just how happy they'd be if they had gotten the quality stuff. They accept it because that's all they know.
Sometimes I get angry. Like really, really mad. I get mad at myself. I get mad at my friends. I get mad at my family. I get mad at my government. I get mad at myself again. I never get mad at him. Is that bad? I idolize him in so many ways. I'm not really mad at anyone else. I am just mad at myself. Wow, a lot of sentences in this paragraph started with the letter, "I" maybe I'm narcisstic? I can't spell it but I don't want to click on the little red squiggly underneath it and get the proper spelling because I'm a lazy writer. Yeah, lazzzzzzy. Drunk and lazy.
I love my husband. More than the world. I think if I had to choose if the world would be destroyed or that I would lose him. I choose the destruction of the world. Then he would get mad because I was so selfish and chose him over the world and he'd leave me anyway. Hopefully, I'll never have to make that choice because either way I lose. Le sigh. Sometimes I'm glad he sees me differently than I see myself. Like now. Like right now. He's battling over homemade cookies and I'm just sitting here typing away. Typing nonsense.
My dad's probably going to get worried again after reading this entry. Don't worry dad. I love you and you did make a decent daughter. Two of them actually. No need to worry. I'm good. Just drunk. Just drunk and thinking and needing to write my post before I eat cookies. Bad combination, if I say so myself. I'm good though. I'm not going to do anything dumb except eat lots of cookies. I appreciate that you love me enough to worry though. Mom too. I'm so incredibly lucky to have such amazing parents. So many aren't so lucky but I am and that makes me happy. See I'm happy now too. Happy, sad, fearful, angry. It's all better than numbness. My therapist would consider this improvement, I think. I'll ask her at the next session, if I remember. I'm going to go help Dabey now.
Love you all especially Dabey and my parents and my friends. Yeah, I love love. tap tap tap. Dabey making music with the spoon and the bowl. He's such a cutie.
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