This year I will...

This year I will finish the things I start.   At the beginning of every new year I make resolutions which last for a couple of months, sometimes fews weeks, and some possibly only a couple of days.  This year I want that to be different.  Last year, I made tremendous strides in my desire to further my emotional growth.  Granted, it resulted in what I might consider to be a "nervous breakdown" in the middle of last February as both my past, present, and future seemed to bombard me during a short six minute song.  Since then, I've had many panic and anxiety attacks and suffered from a bit of depression as I try and integrate the not so pleasant events in my past with my present. With the help of my wise psychologist and my amazing fiance I learned not only many skills to help me control these difficult moments but also overcome them.   This is not to say that I am not still struggling, I am.  However, I do feel that I've come far enough that I can manage yet another aspect of my personality that has limited me these last few years--my inability to follow through with my goals and aspirations.

This year I want to change that.  This year I will follow through not only with the larger, more important desires such as planning a wedding but on the smaller day to day tasks to help create positive habits that will help me begin wedded life.  Simple things likes writing for fifteen minutes everyday.  Really, if I can't find fifteen minutes to respond to a prompt, then I have serious, far greater challenges to overcome.  These posts here may make sense and others may not but that's not what's important.  What's important is that I sit down every day with my pen (or in this case my keyboard) and write for the same length of time as a picnic.  My computer will be my playground where my thoughts-however disconnected- will be given a specific place.  This will be my only daily task--  I believe that by the end of the year, reading through will provide me some sort of deeper insight to myself.

In addition, I plan to integrate some smaller more weekly and even a seasonal task to complete.  I would like to get twenty-thirty minutes of physical exercise at least three times a week.  This is the minimum of what most doctors and specialists would recommend and seeing as I do, well zero exercise, it will be a nice beginning.  Also, I would like to do something creative once a week.  Whether that be an art project, a writing task, something crafty for the wedding, it doesn't matter.  It just has to be creative and it needs to be done once a week.  Over the course of this year, I would like to read 26 books which amounts on average to about one every two weeks and finally, I would like to finish one Paint by Numbers painting a season to total four this year.  Following the extremely intricate numbers is not only engaging but relaxing and helps numb my mind from what can become obsessive thinking.

To help me stay on task, I've purchased a small day planner and colored star shaped stickers.  Yes, stickers. I'm utilizing my Elementary Education decree to both provide rewards and accountability.  For everyday that I write will give myself a gold star.  For each day I exercise a silver, creative tasks will be green, the books read will be blue and the final painting a red.   Yes, I know how this may appear to anyone who may stumble upon this blog but sometimes we need to go back to our roots and participate in the small daily pleasures and necessities that we have neglected in our adult journey.  For those, like myself, where one needs to be reminded to do these small things--rewards, even something as simple as a gold star is required.

If you do happen to stumble here please forgive me now for the horrible grammar which I am sure you will read and possibly the somewhat nonsensical posts.  I apologize now if anything I say offends but this needs to be something that is done for me.  I welcome you to follow me in my journal if you so desire but please lower any and all expectations you may have.  I hold myself to ridiculously high expectations and it will be difficult enough to allow an imperfect entry to be "published."

My fifteen minutes ended about five minutes ago... wish me luck!