Almost immediately after posting last night, I began to wonder if I will come to regret making the choice to write a blog for a year. Even now, I'm trying to determine the appropriate analogy to help describe the anxiety that began bouncing around in my mind. I take writing far too seriously demanding that every word and sentence be eloquently and masterfully written. It is for this reason alone that I've given myself the limited time in which to write. Otherwise, I will spend a half hour contemplating the exact words to make my first sentence "just right" only to hastily delete it later berating my deficiencies and questioning what made me think that I could write like "real writers."
It was just one of the many fears that ran through my head last night when clicked "Publish Post" at the bottom of my screen. There was also the acknowledgement that as a public blog (chosen to help keep myself accountable) will provide daily insight about myself to potentially many people both known and unknown. What if they judge me? I am not the kind of person who can say, "I don't care what people think" because I do. I wish I didn't care; it would eliminate so many of the more general obstacles standing my way.
Of course, the greatest fear lingering in the back of my mind weighing me down is the overwhelming "what if I fail at this?" What happens if I slip and fall into a depressive spell where trying the find the motivation to do anything requiring any type of exertion is like tying a rope to a car and asking me to drag it up a hill? This time, if I give up and stop there is a detailed record; proof that I completely lack the endurance to see a personal, meaningful goal to its completion. How will anyone be able to take me for my word again? I will always be the girl who says, "I'm going to do...." only to be told, "yeah... just like that blog you were going to write."
I don't want to be that girl. The girl whose dreams as overlooked not only by others but by myself. Those kinds of thoughts are exactly what I'm trying to overcome. Most of the time I give up on something before even starting because I think, "I'll never follow through with it, so why bother?" I set these goals to prove to myself more than anyone else that I give myself the opportunity to actually follow through. I was never more proud of myself than when I completed my student teaching and took off to study abroad in Costa Rica. I had done something that I always wanted to do and I felt like I could do anything. I haven't felt that way since.
Completing this will show me that I can still do it and prove that I do have that allusive desire called "intrinsic motivation." I hope that over the course of this year, I will learn how to keep moving forward and to tap into my reserves when everything inside me is screaming "no more." I want to learn this when there isn't a grade or degree or anything concrete to gain from it. 2010 was a year of seemingly larger than life realizations; a year where for the first time, I faced the depths of the question, "what do you want?" Answering that seemingly simple question honestly is a far more difficult than I ever anticipated. Last year I found myself struggling with the ambiguity of it all. Maybe this year, I'll achieve greater insights and begin to really get my bearings.
Who knows what will happen during this journey but like last year, I refuse to let my anxieties and fears continue to hold me back. It will take strength and perseverance but I need to believe in myself. In the end, it comes down to choices; choosing to write, read, paint, workout and create throughout the day. For the long term I may not know where I'm going or what lies ahead; but I do know that tomorrow I will have to choose to come back here and continue what I've started.
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