Back to the basics

It's January 31st!  Finally January's over which means that February will be over sooner rather than later.  I've made it through a full month now of writing everyday and I'm proud of myself.  Before I began this resolution I was having a hard time to committing to anything for more than a couple days so this is a big accomplishment.  That and I personally believe that we don't celebrate the small steps along the journey to our destination enough. I mean, sure I still have 11 months to go and 361 days left but I've also written for one solid month and a full 31 days. That's worth recognition.  So many of us are too focused on achieving their goal to see how far they've come.

As I've said in past entries, I'm going into February filled with feelings of dread, anticipation, and hope.  It is my worst month psychologically by far and every year, just like this one, I hope that it will surprise me.  If it's to be expected, I'm prepared.  My psychologist is willing to see me every week this month (I had my first one of the month today) and I have my first massage scheduled for Thursday morning.  Dave and I are also hoping to battle the even more ridiculous snow that is coming our way tomorrow and Wednesday to go down to Rhode Island for our getaway.  Because of the snow, we're actually leaving tomorrow night when I get home from work at 11pm.  I'll be driving as Dave does still have a normal person's schedule with the usual sleeping hours.

My therapist and I discussed February today and she stress the importance of not allowing my thoughts and feelings to control my behavior.  I'm not a behavioral therapist like she is so there's a chance that I may not say this sufficiently but cognitive behavior therapy works with this basic premise:  You cannot control your feelings but you can change your thoughts to control your behavior.  From my therapy lessons and talks with fellow participants using this kind of therapy, I've gathered this to mean that as humans we cannot control what we feel at any given time.  Our feelings are instinctual and raw; however, many of our feelings are associated with our thoughts and thought patterns without our knowledge.   Sometimes something as simple as changing what you think can affect how you feel.  By changing our thoughts, we can change our behavior and our response to those feelings can be productive and positive which will then contribute to better thoughts and happier feelings.

For example, one of my biggest lessons this year was that every feeling that comes up does not need a reason.  If I'm feeling anxious or depressed, sometimes all that's needed is to acknowledge it.  Many times I'd be feeling that way and I'd try and ask myself why.  If I couldn't find something legitimate, I'd create something or give myself the "excuse."  For example, I'd be feeling depressed and I'd ask myself, "why do you feel depressed?"  If it wasn't something specific then my response would be something along these lines, "Nothing.  You're just being stupid.  There's no reason to be depressed but you're unhappy anyway. You take everything for granted; you take work for granted and people for granted.  Really, you're just useless.  It's a wonder how anyone can like you when you're so selfish..."  These thoughts would normally be my "excuse" for feeling depressed.  Not to mention, compounding those feelings. This is what my therapist would call, "a negative thought pattern."

It's better for it to look something more like this: I'd ask myself, "Why am I feeling depressed?"  Instead of that barrage of negative thoughts I could think something like, "There really isn't an exact reason but that's okay.  There are times when everyone feels depressed or down.  Right now, I'm feeling that way and it will pass.  It's not good to fight it as that can just make it worse so just let it be for now.  Give yourself some time and space and it will go as naturally as it came."   That's healthy and guess what?  It actually works just not right away. This brings me to this year's second lesson: sometimes you just have to "sit with it."  Just sit with all the uncomfortably and emotion.  Acknowledge and let it be.  My therapist is also trying to get me to do determine where, in my body, I'm feeling it.  So rather than thinking, "why am I feeling" I think "where is this feeling?"  This one I've yet to master but I'm getting there.

Today, we had a discussion about how to not allow it to affect your behavior.  For me, most of mine is anxiety driven so we talked about staying "present."  If I have to get ready for work, I should focus to what I'm doing at the moment; not what I have to do in the immediate future.  Even if it's the most mundane thing in the world, I should "ground" myself with it.  For example, when I'm in the shower-instead of obsessing about why I don't want to go to work or how my hours are terrible or listing all the other thing I'd rather be doing, I should be focusing on the actual shower.  I'm washing my hair now, I'm rinsing my hair now, my right arm, my left, etc.  Of course, my mind will naturally wander but when it starts to go down that path I need to refocus my attention on what I'm doing.  Sure it seems silly, but so far it's working.  You don't have time to think about the other stuff if you are focused on the "now."   Not to mention that one of the biggest suggestions people have for aspiring writers is to pay attention and try and notice those things that you otherwise wouldn't.  Try to experience the simple activities with all five senses and no, that does not mean taste the soap if you are taking a shower.

So really, this paying attention to the now serves a duel purpose.  One, it benefits me psychologically and two, it may be useful when I'm writing.   Sometimes things might come up and I've been asked to write them down for next week's session but to really work at going back to the basics.  So with the reminder of my learned skills-- February, here I come.