How is it still January? I feel like it should have ended last week sometime. My February doom and gloom seems to be settling within me earlier than normal which makes me nervous. I mean, if I'm already counting down the days to January, what's February going to be like? For those who don't know, I sort develop this entirely different personality during the month of February. During the other eleven months, I am an upbeat, positive, sweet person who can see the views tough situations the way the world views a solar eclipse. The moon may "cover" the sun and turn the afternoon to darkness but always seems to be that bright ring that screams, "Don't worry, I'm still here. Just wait a few hours for the moon to get out of my path."
Okay, that was a strange metaphor for "every dark cloud has a silver lining" but I suppose that works too. Anyway, during the summer my overall mood tends to be a happy one. June, July, and August I'm bubbly and relishing in the extreme heat of New England summers. Many people complain about how it's too hot and gross during the summer, but I'll be honest I love it. I also firmly believe that those who hate the summer are those who don't have central air. Of course it terribly unpleasant then; even winter lovers would hate winter if they didn't have heat. You'd have a hard time finding a home down south that doesn't have AC but up here, it's still a very expensive purchase that you only use for maybe 3 months of the year (depending on how hot the summer is).
September, October, and November represent new beginnings for me. I don't know if that's because September is when school started or because November brings my birthday. There's something nostalgic and crisp in the air; not to mention that it's absolutely gorgeous. September ushers in the Big E and The Topsfield Fair which has become a mini heaven for the some of the most tasty treats. Then there's Halloween in Salem, Massachusetts and long leisurely drives through the mountains during the peak of foliage sipping on warm apple cider and thoroughly enjoy cider doughnut or cream puffs. Not to mention all of the November birthdays and when I love capping off Autumn with the great feast of thanks with my family.
December, as anyone who goes in public notices, brings Christmas and merriment. As the days get shorter and colder, the Christmas lights go up in all the town centers and their are all kinds of fun activities. I enjoy Boston's tree-lighting ceremonies and I try to go down to New York City for at least one day every Christmas. Snow is welcomed with open arms in December as the large, cold, fluffy flakes paint the world in white that the lights twinkle beneath. There's the most beautiful music and next year, I need to get a caroling group together for real. I used to love singing the songs in high school chorus. As everyone quietly makes their New Year's Resolutions the atmosphere seems to take on an "anything is possible" potential. The beginning of January is spent practicing your resolutions and shoveling snow. For me, after the first week of January I can feel a shift in my mood and it tends to roll down the hill.
Then February comes and like a roller coaster making it's plunged down at crazy angles, my mood just plummets and it's nowhere near as thrilling as the roller coaster. No, suddenly it's like every room has shrunk and all your clothing feels like it's restricting me. My once comfy sweaters become itchy vices that close around my body and it feels difficult to breath. Cold and tolerable air suddenly takes on this harsh and bitter quality as temperatures drop in the low teens or single digits for multiple days in a row. Going outside I have to bundle myself like that kid in A Christmas Story because the frigid temperatures are literally painful as any exposed skins stings the way that 50 degree water hurts when first immersed. If you're lucky, whatever is exposed will go numb quickly enough to stop it from hurting. The combination of this and the knowledge that there is still weeks of winter left to go tints my world with despair and fear. Last February, I quite literally had a nervous breakdown and although that was particularly a rare episode that I was totally unprepared for I can't help but dread what sort of internal misery my mind is going to put me through this year. Little irritants are magnified and each day feels more and more hopeless.
Thank goodness, I have my amazing therapist. I'm seeing her Monday and I might suggest going back to weekly appointments for this month. Last year I also signed up to get monthly massages and I've carried the last three months worth just to help me get through this month as I am totally planning of going for a massage every week of February. Maybe I'll schedule my therapy appointment and my massage appointment for the beginning and end of each week. Dave and I are also going to spend the night in Newport, Rhode Island at the beginning of the month. It's just one night but I'm hoping it is enough of a "getaway" for me. I'm pretty sure I am hanging out with friends the first weekend but because crazy, irritating, depression and lethargy is hitting early this year, I haven't returned two very good friends phone calls. Every day I think, "it's your friend, just call them when they get out of work." Then the time that they get out of work comes and you pick up the phone and might even pull up their name in your contacts but you can't press send because all you can think is, "you're so bitchy right now. Don't ruin their day." At the end of the day, you kick yourself and wonder what your issue is and why you're completely incapable to doing something that is normally a simple, pleasant treat.
I honestly don't know what I'd do if February was any longer. It's crazy, it's the shortest month of the year but it seriously feels as long as all three months of summer for me. Please, if you're not from around here and you were thinking about coming up to New York or Massachusetts, don't let me deter you. I assure you that there are many more people who aren't affected like me and they love the season. Everyone is different. For me, as March approaches, my mood seems to peak out from under the covers like a small child who tentatively comes out of hiding in the hope that the horrible storm has passed. April is a month that I am normally tending to the emotional battle wounds that still remain from February's mental onslaught and as I heal and the weather warms, I begin to feel like myself again. Then finally it's May and the weather is warm enough to dance in the spring rainstorms and you are looking forward to the next renewed happiness that comes with the warmth.
That's what I'm try to remember as I cross out each day of the upcoming month. I'm far more prepared than I've ever been and who knows, maybe this year won't be so bad.
No comments:
Post a Comment