Anxious nerves

Today started out as a really nice day.  I was able to pick up some extra hours at work, come home and do some of the tasks that still needed to get done for the week, talk with some friends online, and had a lovely meal of pizza with cheesy bread.  However, while watching the third Harry Potter movie, I got the text from my father saying that my mother went to the hospital and she might need to stay over for some tests to make sure everything is okay.  He says not to worry and from what he was describing, it doesn't sound too worrisome but it's hard when I'm not there to get a better sense of the situation.  Deep down I feel like my mom is going to be just fine but even so, I feel like someone flicked my anxiety nerve and now it's demanding every moment of my attention.

I find myself oscillating between the fear and worry to irritation and back again.  From what I've read in the many books this year on anxiety and panic attacks, it's impossible to panic and be angry at the same time.  This is probably why after spending hours deep with worry about a child who has decided to come home late, the worry immediately seems to disappear as soon as she walks through the door and suddenly angry strikes.  How dare they make you worry like that?  Getting irritated and angry used to be how I coped with my everyday anxiety over nothing.  I'd start to feel anxious and then I'd make something up to be annoyed or upset by just to release the tension.  You can't control your worry the same way you can control your temper.

For the most part, therapy and awareness of my anxiety has made me cope with it far better.  I find myself getting upset by fewer and fewer things and I no longer tend to pick fights with my fiance just to channel the feelings in some way.  There has been dramatic improvement when I can feel the anxiety and utilize the recently learned cognitive behavior therapy skills to bring myself down.  But on days like today, on days when I am unable to ask myself, "what's the worst that can happen" because the answer is far too morbid and terrifying, these days are still extremely challenging.  I haven't panicked; in fact, for the most part I'm relatively calm but I feel like my mood was shot to hell.  I feel extremely uncomfortable, shaky, and out of control which then makes me feel irritated with myself for not being able to control it better.

There's a part of me that wants to go to the hospital myself.  Talk to my mother, talk to the doctors, fully get a feel of what's going on.  Still, if they decide to keep her overnight for observance and more tests in the morning it wouldn't alleviate my worry entirely.  Just as I was writing this, my dad called to update me to say that everything seems okay but that they want to run another enzyme test and a stress test tomorrow so they'll keep her overnight to monitor her just in case and honestly, I appreciate their caution.  In situations like these, I prefer more diligence than none at all.   So anyway,  I had a feeling a post like this would surface at some point this month; I just hoped it wouldn't be so soon.  All I can do is try to relax and be patient for the news tomorrow.