Most people go to bed or are in bed by 12:30 am. What am I doing? Grabbing a jelly donut and sitting at my desk to write. I'm not sure why I find that it is so much easier to do things at night but it's always been something that felt far more natural than getting up and trying to do anything early in the morning. I've been a night owl from the time I was in the womb; my mom once told me that I would be relatively calm and relaxed during the day as soon as she laid down to go to bed, I'd start kicking and moving. Maybe it's something that really is completely out of my control. If I had to choose between being an early bird or a night owl, the early bird would always win out.
People aren't meant to operate between the hours of 10:00 pm and 4:00am. Normal people sleep during those hours and many find that waking up before the sun rises to be far more productive. I envy those who wake up at the crack of dawn, exercise, get a healthy breakfast, prepare themselves physically for the day, and maybe even spend twenty minutes or so reading, writing, or checking e-mails-all before heading to work. Upon leaving work in the evenings they come home, cook themselves something to eat, run a couple of last minute errands, and spend the rest of the night relaxing, winding down, and feeling thoroughly exhausted at a reasonable hour and go to bed. I wish I lived liked that.
Me, on the other hand, consider waking up before 10am to be "early." Not to mention that I am completely useless once I wake up. If I'm not forced to go anywhere, I will normally lounge around mindlessly watching television or surfing the internet. I might even read a book. Breakfast is a very rare occurrence and if I have lunch, it tends to be something hastily thrown together lacking any type of proper nutrients. Normally, I find that I come out of my mind coma around 2pm at which I tend to do something mildly productive, possibly run some errands, and then head into work for 5pm most nights. At work, I eat something light (normally a personal size pizza that you can heat in the microwave) and come home at 11:30pm wired and hungry. When most people are asleep or going to bed, I'm wide awake, alert, and active. I hate it.
Over the past year, I have grown tremendously in the psychological department. I've learned to recognize my anxiety and deal with it in a productive rather than aggressive way. In addition, I am learning to face my past and personal demons in a stable environment. Overall, despite the few setbacks and difficult days, I feel generally pretty healthy mentally. Well, I feel like I'm the road to decent mental health, anyway. Physically, however, I'm an absolute mess and I'm not talking about weight gain (though it really wouldn't hurt to shed the excess poundage). Now, that my mind is beginning to "check in" with my body, I am realizing just how unhealthy I am and how that makes me feel physically crappy on most days. I have zero energy, inability to sleep properly, no stamina, and even less desire to put any effort in to change it. Most days, I physically feel like a slug and almost no motivation to get up and do anything about it. I'm not eating properly as I skip meals and when I do eat, I tend to eat things like jelly donuts.
Out of all my personal goals that I've set for this year, it is the minimum amount of exercise three times a week that is killing me. I don't want to work out because I want to lose weight; I want to work out because I miss the way I used to feel. I hate that my body feels tense and tight all the time from sitting all day with terrible posture. I used to never be able to sit still and now, even the simplest exercise or physical movement is an arduous task. As I'm writing this, I'm thinking of excuses to not make exercise and proper nutrition a priority: "You've been doing so well with your other goals. If you force this goal too, then you're going to screw everything up."
Truth is, I have to keep moving forward. I can't allow myself to throw in the towel just yet. It's hardly been two weeks. I've made the other goals the focus, but I think I need to give the physical health some attention too. We'll see. I'll take it one day at a time and try and keep you all posted on the progress.
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