A Daily Episode

In the middle of watching television one afternoon, the power went out.  My small apartment always peppered with some sort of background noise suddenly went quiet.  Opening the curtains to allow the brightly shining sun to lighten the room, I settled back down on the couch and looked at the now dark television.   My laptop was not currently working and my boyfriend was still at the office.  Suddenly alone in the silent room, I sat contemplating what to do next.  In many ways, losing power was a good thing.  It wasn't like I was watching anything all that entertaining, it was just something to do. 

Never been one to enjoy the quiet moments that life brings, I began to feel slightly anxious.  Why am not doing anything productive? When did I become so lazy? Where's that day job that I'm supposed to have by now?Unanswerable questions flowed through my mind and suddenly sitting on the couch was not where I want to be. Should I leave until the power comes back on? Where would I go? And her bookstore, perhaps?  Why am so uncomfortable here.  I began to pace back and forth in my long living room to try and quell the budding anxiety.  This isn't where you're supposed to be right now.  You're supposed to be working and earning your own living.  Instead, here you at working nights in a call center twenty five hours a week and are just barely able to cover your own debt. 

You've become a girl who's dependent on her boyfriend to provide for her. I picked up my cell-phone to call my boyfriend, he was always so good when I started thinking these thoughts. You're dependent on him financially and your dependent on him emotionally.  Right now, he's working and there's absolutely nothing he can say to make this better anyway so don't call him.  He's got enough at work to worry him; he doesn't need his crazy girlfriend.  You're really  being pathetic right now; seriously, you need to calm down.  The last thought seemed louder than the rest. 

It had only been three minutes since the power went down according to my phone and already my chest had tightened to slow my racing heart.  "Just breath...just breath...everything is going to be okay,"  I say aloud to myself.   I attempted to take a deep slow breath in and a gentle exhale but that only seemed to make things worse.  Suddenly I felt like I couldn't breath at all and I felt the phone slip out of my sweaty palms.  Oh god, it's happening again.  Denise, there is nothing wrong.. what's your problem?  I'm going crazy, Dave's going to come home again and I'm going to be an absolute mess.  He doesn't need this in his life.   This wasn't what he signed up for when he started dating me.  

But you need him!  My mind screamed at me full of judgement and rage.  You have allowed all of your happiness to be centered around him just like you did before and it ruined you.  You've given him all the power in the relationship and you've been lucky so far that he hasn't realized it or hasn't figured out how to use it against you.  My throat was aching so badly as I trying the hold back the tears and I couldn't contain it anymore.  Like water bursting from a recently hit fire hydrant, I began sobbing.   "What's wrong with me?" I cried in vain.  My whole body felt such immense fear; everything in me was telling to fight or runaway.  But there was nothing to fight and nowhere to run.  Gasping for air, I could feel the room begin to spin and I immediately feel to the floor shaking with uncontrollable sobs.  Maybe I should be committed to an insane asylum.  Clearly therapy is need more than just once a week. 

Dragging myself across the living floor and into the kitchen, I laid there with my sweaty palms and tear soaked face against the cool tile.  "Help me," I whimpered quietly.  "I need help.  Please help me," sobbed desperately.  There's no one hear to help you right now You need to help yourself.  I thought though the voice inside my head seemed calmer and stern.  You need to breath properly, no more gasping.   Now count with me as you breath in..1...2...3...4...5 and now breath out ....1...2...3...4...5....   I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing but after five breaths I still didn't feel any better.  "It's not working," I choked allow.  Keep going, the quiet, calm voice in my mind persisted.  Laying there for what seemed like forever, I counted my breaths and slowly I felt my sobs slow to sniffles and my breathing begin to feel normal.

Still shaking inside, I lifted my head from the floor.  The spinning had stopped.  Now, do not think about anything else but your breathing and go find something to take your mind off things.  Play solitaire, work on a puzzle, count the coins you've meaning to do.  I stood up and realized the dishes.  "I'm going to do the dishes" I thought aloud and I slowly turned on the water.  As the took the sponge, I focused on the warmth the flowed over my hands and took a few more lingering gasps of air.  Now, pour some soup into the pan and more the sponge around, once, twice, three times and change direction.  Like a surgeon trying to find the source of a bleed, I focused every once of my attention on washing the dishes.  My sanity depended on it.  

Twenty more minutes passed and soon the dishes were finished and I stepped away.  My mind felt quiet and tired.  My body felt weak.  You did it, I thought quietly.  You cleaned the dishes.  That's something right.  With a heavy sigh, I walked into my room and collapsed into bed.  My mind empty, I closed my eyes.   It seemed only moments later, my felt my boyfriend gently shaking me.  The sky had darkened and I felt exhausted.  "Another tough day today,"  he asked gently, his voice indicating that he understood.  I nodded silently and then remembered, "but I did the dishes"  I said meekly.  He smiled softly at me, "Yes, I can see that.  Thank you."  He kissed me softly and I felt myself drift back to sleep.