Paranoia

I'm tired and I don't want to write.  How many times have I used that as an opening?  Too many, I know.  Around 10pm, I was struggling to stay awake at work.   I couldn't wait to go home, type out whatever nonsense I felt like and go to bed.  Then I stepped outside.  It was cold, rainy, windy, and it woke me right up.   Irritating.  By the time I got home, I was in a funk and threw myself under my headphones to escape from the world for a while.  Not sure if that was the healthiest way to handle whatever it was but it seemed to work.

Really, today my paranoid insecurities were out to play.  They are still having quite a good time on the swing set in my mind, actually.  By the time I came home tonight, I felt like I could go from having two jobs to having no jobs and then what would I do?  Of course, there was absolutely nothing that happened outright that prompted this but still I can't help but feel this way.  During the day, my boss said that she spoke to the owner and he mentioned hiring someone to help her on the business development side which she spoke with one of my coworkers about but gave her no update on my situation.  Obviously, that means that they're reconsidering me for the job, right?  Like I said, paranoid much?

At my second job my team lead pulled a few reports and determined that our SLAs are too low.  Sure, I've been there longer than most but with the wedding and this other job, I haven't given extra hours like everyone else.  That and I allowed so much time to accrue that I've had a ton of time off which makes me feel like I'm not meeting expectations and that they aren't going to want to continue to have me on.  Again, it was nothing egregious.  No one actually complained about my performance or lack of it but I still feel like my days are numbered.

Slipping under my headphones for an hour helped distract me from these doomsday thoughts.  Really, I'm not quite sure what I can do about them except just continue to go to work and do what I can.  As I've said before, I just need to see what happens.  If I lose them both then the day job clearly wasn't for me and I've always thought that my night job letting me go might be the only way that I end up leaving it.  It's comfortable now and the people are amazing; I don't particularly want to leave.   Anyway, I can already see that this current train of thought is going to lead me in circles.  It's probably best that I just go to bed.  I'll think about it tomorrow.