Sometimes I feel unsafe. I feel as if there is danger all around me. I jump at the slightest noise and overreact to things that present little or no harm. I feel as if I have to be constantly alert all the time. Still, I find that I'm easily surprised by something unexpected and very jumpy. Today, my daily life give me little reason to fear things the way I do; however, I utilize the television to support these fears. I watch shows that focus on horrible events in life. Shows about death, murder, hostages, and victimization. I can connect with these shows on some level. I connect with the victims. I dissociate from my own experience. These shows both support and reinforce my feelings that the world is a dangerous place. I've been victimized once but there are many ways for it to happen again.
I live with a constant internal struggle. I oscillate between trying to deny, hide, push away, "let go" of what happened to me and trying to accept them. Acceptance feels impossible much of the time, however it doesn't go away despite my constant efforts to suppress them. Instead, I live in a state of survival.. I go through the motions but never actually experience anything. I live perpetually disconnected from myself, my feelings, and the world around me. When not working I continue to escape from the conscious world by sleeping whenever I can. Even the nightmares are preferable as I can exert some control over them through semi-lucid dreaming. Hours of oversleeping have helped me develop this skill. Escapism is always the choice over actually living. Even when awake, I fantasize about being someone else, a better version of myself who cares about herself and the things and people around her.
I don't take care of myself, my belongings, or the people around me. Though it's extremely embarrassing to admit, I neglect even the most basic necessities. I go days without a shower, don't brush my teeth regularly, skip meals only to binge later. The most exercise I get on a daily basis is whatever walking is necessary for me to get to, from, and around the offices I work in. My apartment is in constant disarray. The dirty laundry sits in a giant pile on the floor in my room and the hallway, unclean dishes take up space in the sink, days old trash accumulates in multiple bags in the kitchen, and my belongings are strewn about the apartment because I never put things back where they belong. Because I'm too lazy to exert any effort the majority of food I eat consists of ready made snacks full of sugar or salt. Sometimes making a peanut butter sandwich seems like too much work so I scoop the peanut butter out of the jar and eat it like ice cream.
The burden of cooking a real meal falls on restaurants and/or my husband Dave. He finally expressed his frustration last night before going to bed. We had gotten into a tiff about something small and unrelated and he completely overreact. Later he opened up and explained how resentful he is growing to this one-sided relationship. He expressed himself with feelings of guilt because he knows what I am going through and adamantly reiterated that he still loves me very much. It saddens me that he's held it in for so long and was nervous about telling me. Of course he has every right to be upset and frustrated- I would be too. In fact, I would never have had the patience he's had with me. I've been extremely unfair to him and have taken advantage of one of the most important people in my life. I wish I could say that he is the only one but he's not. I show up late, cancel things last minute, and forget to return things that others have let me borrow. I've also been so self-absorbed that I really haven't been there for many of the people closest to me.
All of these are interconnected. Since finding Greg on that registry I stopped trusting that I won't be overwhelmed by my feelings so I've numbed out and stopped feeling anything. At some point I stopped believing that I was worth any kind of care and stopped taking care of myself all together. With no pride or reason to care for myself I stopped caring about the things around and stopped thinking about the feelings of others. By not doing what is needed for myself and my environment, I only feel worse. I come overwhelmed and exhausted prompting me to sleep all day.
The truth is that I need to make time for my feelings. I have learned many skills since beginning the process to be able to handle them. Pushing them down in vain attempt to 'let it go" only makes them stronger. I have to work that much harder to suppress them and it's exhausting. I need to make time and room to experience the feelings no matter how much I'd rather not. They don't go away. It just becomes easier to dissociate over time. If I can't do it for myself then I need to at least begin doing it for Dave. It's not fair for him to have to do it all. When we married, we became partners. When we married, we became partners. I need to start acting like one and actually doing my part.
This writing is a start. I allowed myself to express myself is not going to solve anything. Yes I hit a massive setback. I fell like I've broken my ankle after years of training for a marathon. I need to get off my feet, let it heal, and then try to make up for the lost training time. It's going to be frustrating and painful and slow. I just need to be patience.
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