Something happened today that challenged everything I've learned over the past two years. I still don't know how I did with it but it was the first time I ever had to call my therapist after hours for the first time since I started seeing her. It was my own fault. I should have known better but I'm so lucky to have such tremendous support systems in place so that they cushioned the fall when recklessly jumped out of the building.
So while credentialing nurses to make sure we weren't sending criminals into homes of the elderly, I have to run a plethora of background checks. Honestly I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to type his name in the National Sex Offender registry. Deep down, I knew I would find him there. He didn't come up right away, I had to click on his name. When his picture didn't pop up at first, I sighed a breath of relief. Then I went that one step further and there was his picture.
Something about just seeing his face again caused the images of many of the experiences I had with him to come rushing back. Amazing how I actually felt myself freeze up and detached the moment I laid eyes on him again. I looked for no more than three seconds before letting my eyes drift to the bottom of the screen. Toward the end of my relationship with him, he told me that he did something inappropriate with an eight year old. He said he just showed himself to her. Despite his lies, I believed him. I thought that he wouldn't lie about something like that. I thought that it was the one and only time he was being honest with me.
Really, I'm just so stupid. So, so, so stupid. I expected the first two convictions: Unnatural and Lascivious Acts with a child under 16 & Open and Gross Lewdness and Lascivious Behavior. How sad is that I wasn't surprised by that alone? I mean really? However, the last one even I couldn't get my head around: Rape and Abuse of a Child. What? That's just a couple of steps further than exposing yourself. Almost instantly, I closed the window and sat in silence at my desk for a solid five minutes without thinking, without feeling anything.
I had three hours left of work and I tried to refocus but found myself searching the same page forever for information that was right in front of me. I felt like I couldn't breathe; it was like someone just came to me, punched me in the stomach, and just left. On my way to get some water, my boss called me into her office and I just sat down asking, "can I talk to you about something personal?" Without going into too much detail of my past, I told her what happened and just figured I'd face the consequences.
I thought she would think I was unstable and possibly even fire me for putting his name in the search after I searched for the nurse. Okay, my boss isn't that cold-hearted but I felt like that was what I deserved. Instead, she was more than understanding. Though she's never been in the same position she really understood that feeling of panic and shock. She allowed me to go for a walk and it calmed me down and when I got back I was able to pull it together and complete my work.
Coming home was a totally different story. I got home and I completely broke down. How could he? What is wrong with his parents? They knew he was convicted and they blatantly turned a blind eye to my being alone in a room with him! Weren't they concerned that I actually might speak up? Were they really that apathetic toward their own son? At first I was so angry and then I just felt sick when I remembered that he has a little girl himself.
I pray that his little girl's friends have parents who run the background checks on him. How terrible is that I will feel like I will have to run a background check on anyone I allow my child to be alone with? It makes me never want to have children. What if I have a child who is like him? Part of me thinks that his parents just didn't want to deal with him and that's why they just allowed him to do whatever he wanted and whoever.
Jamie came over to give me a hug before going to hair appointment and I just started crying again when I saw her. I know it seems weird because it wasn't like he treated her like this but I feel like we were in the trenches together. She can remember things from back then that I don't. She remembers things I said or how I acted around him. More important, she remembers how he acted. She knew him, talked to him, believed him too despite all logic. She didn't want to believe that he was lying like that to me.
While she was over, my boss also texted me to see how I was doing. Like I said in the beginning, I have such incredible people in my life. I hate that I still find myself so focused on that one horrible person. I feel like he's winning. He doesn't deserve all the therapy sessions and long blog posts. He's not a part of my life anymore and yet,he still has this impeccable way of intruding on it. I left a message for my therapist so I'll be interested to hear what she has to say.
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