Today was a super frustrating day. It appears that my day job is officially a lost cause. There is absolutely no way we are going to make the numbers that we are responsible for and my boss is having a really hard time accepting this. She came in late in the game, long after her predecessors destroyed any possibility of completing what they initially told our client we could accomplish. To my boss's credit, she came in and turned things around in the few short months that she has worked there and I think she was really hoping that we'd be able to save it. Unfortunately when the expectation was initially set at 10,000 and we probably won't hit 3,000, there is only so much you can do.
I get it. This is her only job. This is it for her. We have no other contracts as of right now and she is feeling the pressure of making magic. My personal opinion is for her to just let this die, they've already told us they weren't going to use us again and all we can do is what we've been doing. There's only so much that she can do at this point. If it were me, I'd be focusing all of my remaining efforts and time on trying to garner new business. But then, I've only been in the workforce for 3 years, the most of it spent in a call center, what do I know? Regardless, the pressure is on and she was not very pleasant to work for today. She's demanding in general but today was a bit absurd. It was like nothing I did was good enough or done fast enough and she was annoyed that I had to leave for my other job.
It was just ridiculous. When I finally got to my second job after waiting 20 minutes at the post office (first time this year I hated the fact that Christmas is upon us) and being stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, I came in to find the 2012 holiday schedule. Not only am I working Christmas Eve again next year but I am also scheduled to work 5-11pm on the 4th of July. I've said it here before and I'll say it again: the 4th of July is my holiday; it's the only one I actively participate in for more than the necessity of it. I like Thanksgiving too. I am super bummed and just had to let it be today. All I can do at this point is ask my coworkers if they'd be willing to switch and be willing to accept that I may end up with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day or Thanksgiving.
If nobody offers to switch then I really will need to reevaluate the holiday's importance. This past year's holiday showed me that I'm really the only one who takes it as seriously as I do. Before, I was under the impression that it meant the same to my parents and my sister but last year my sister didn't go at all and my parents only went to keep me from being too disappointed. In all truth, it doesn't mean that much to them. It's not Christmas. As soon as Thanksgiving is over, their tree goes up and the decorations adorn the living room. They almost didn't go to the 4th of July this year. I know that Jamie still cares but she's the only one aside from me and I fear that she only cares because she knows how much I care which I love about her but really, maybe I'm just taking it all too seriously. There was a time that I would've contemplated leaving my job if they made me work on the 4th of July. Maybe this year will have to be the year I just get over it.
I really wish I could love Christmas as much as everyone else seems to but in reality, I find it burdensome. The season just seems so fake. It used to mean so much more when I actually was religious. It had the religious significance back then and I could roll my eyes and do my best to overlook the emphasis on buying presents and silly decorations. All that mattered to me back then was the putting up the nativity set that my nana beautifully painted 50 years ago (just did it last night!). I didn't care about the Christmas tree, the parties, the presents. It was about Jesus and that nativity was the perfect representation of all that mattered. Now though, I don't believe that Jesus is the only way to God. I'm not even sure what I believe regarding him as a Messiah.
Without that, all that's left is all crazy nonsense: people trampling each other to get a particular gift, Christmas music playing before Thanksgiving begins, lines out the door at the post office, the Secret Santas and the Yankee Swaps which almost always result in your receiving something you neither want nor need and your gift being the exact same for the intended recipient, for my family--it was the ornament hunting that began at the beginning of the season and continued after the New Year. Please don't get me wrong. I don't criticize anyone who really enjoys any of these things. I'm glad that my parents find happiness in their pursuit of the newest ornament in a series and the parties are always a good time. I love most Christmas music too. Yes, I know this post is very reminiscent of Scrooge's bah humbug spirit but that's not how I feel at all.
Dave put up our Christmas tree today while I was at work and it is beautiful and I love it. It's completely bare and it's perfect. I intend to place some of the ornament's I've received over the years but I just enjoy having it in my apartment. Baking and decorating the cookies on Saturday was a blast and photographing my parents wonderfully decorated living room made me really happy. I will sing Christmas songs and buy my presents on Wednesday and enjoy myself at all the work and social parties. Christmas is a special holiday and it always will be but it will also be a constant reminder of everything I've lost spiritually. Until I can find some peace with that spiritual loss it will always remain bittersweet.
No comments:
Post a Comment