My thoughts are with the people in Japan.

I've blatantly ignored a major event in the world this weekend in favor of my own far more minor issues; however, I feel like I should at least dedicate one entry to the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  To be completely honest, I've avoided doing too much reading or watching articles about it since it happened on Friday.  When I first heard about it, I listened to the discussions Friday afternoon on CNN and the BBC but they had little actual information as it was 3am in Japan.  However, now that there is more information and video footage available I've managed to avoid.  It wasn't necessarily something I specifically set out to avoid, I just didn't bother with actually researching it.

I learned today why I probably did that.  I watched a six minute video of an area hit by the tsunami.  It wasn't overtly devastating in the way that you didn't see human chaos and fear but the destruction was unbelievable and I found myself floored by the whole thing.  Everything just happened so quickly.  But then the real reason I avoid these things set in.  I wanted to go back in time and save everyone who was killed or injured.  Knowing I couldn't do that I actually attempted to relate to them and that's when things got bad.  I started visualizing the worst possible scenarios and what I would think or feel if it was me in that scenario.  This of course would cause me to sob at the immense loss that so many strangers to me must be feeling.  Then there is the knowledge that the worst my imagination could conceive more than likely did happen to someone.

Within ten minutes I had gone from being calm, composed, and relatively happy to feeling completely devastated and overwhelmed.  There's absolutely nothing I can really do but throw some money at it and though I don't have any objection to doing that because a lot of money will be needed to rebuild it just doesn't seem to equate. My desire to understand and sympathize scares the crap out of me because I never actually want to know what they experienced and still are experiencing.  It doesn't seem right that I get to sit here on my comfortable couch, feeling stuffed from dinner in my warm apartment worrying about my wedding.  Doesn't really seem fair.  I feel like I don't appreciate it fully and at the same time, know that I don't ever want to "appreciate" or "understand."  That contradiction makes me feel like a terrible person.