Hmphf! ::whine, whine, whine::

Past events have me down tonight.  I attempted to write something about it because was mind blocked like always.  I know that this is what I am working on; to allow myself to allow memories to come to the surface when and not block them or shut down but I still do.  During the past half hour, I've started and deleted many sentences where I try and give these memories space but my brain and my emotions won't have any of it.

The over exertion of the writing attempts and trying to force it has given me a headache and my inability to document it or even allow myself to acknowledge it leaves me feeling irritated.  Just the simple fact that at a certain point, I thought about my past caused me to feel down and depressed.  Now I'm just irritated because I feel trapped here.  Trapped by my complete inability to use my words to describe it.  Annoyed that as a result my head and my shoulders and my neck hurt with stress now when they didn't before.  

My coping mechanisms are kicking in; irritation, annoyance, anxiety, and the ever pressing need to lie down and zone out have enveloped me.  Suddenly, I feel tired and my jaw aches probably from it's clapped frown position.   I feel completely lethargic.  I'm tired of writing everyday and I'm really not sure if I want to do this anymore.  Especially if I can't express what I'm feeling anyway.  I want to go to bed and go back to sleep. 

Maybe I'll have another dream about some poor kid, diagnosed with an incurable illness that will not only end his life within the next few months but each day will cause him tremendous physical pain.  My dream this morning consisted of me visiting him and trying to provide him comfort after he attempt his first suicide.  When he felt well enough to make his way outside, he ran in front of a bus and succeeded in his suicide attempt.  In my dream I watched it happen and was powerless to stop and at the same time didn't want to stop him.   Is the rest of your life consumed with physical agony really a life that I would want to live?  Would I too, not do everything I could to just end it sooner?  Completely unable to answer my own question, the dream shifted in the ways they also do and I was at the train station with my family.   It was just after the kid's suicide and I didn't have my purse so when the illegal immigrant police came and asked everyone to prove their citizenship, I was unable to and was dragged away from everyone else.  

That isn't an uncommon dream.  Though I haven't ever had that exact one before, I've had many similar ones recently and I spend my morning trying to rewrite them by allowing myself to continue to fall back to sleep.  Sometimes they get better, other times they just get stranger.  Most of the time, when I finally pull myself out of bed and sit down to maybe write about it, I've forgotten it.  I'm reluctant to go to bed most nights and have difficultly falling asleep because I'll just lay there and contemplate when my mind will go back to normal or if this constant mental cycling is the new normal.