Yesterday was the first day of spring and today it snowed. Funny how my mood mirrors the weather at times. Last night, I was full of motivation and excitement toward the my new goal and today it seemed almost impossible to get myself out of bed. After a couple of hours (yes hours) of blatantly ignoring that I needed to wake up and begin the day, I finally had to use every cognitive behavioral tool I learned to actually tear myself from my comfortable blankets. There was a silent battle raging within me as my mind tried to first demand that I get up and then thing going, then attempted to coerce my body into an upright positive, and finally listened and responded with as much encouragement as it could muster.
Through a series of mental, "Yes, good job... no put on your socks. Yes, now bundle up- it's snowing outside and we are not going to let that stop us from the treadmill today. You can do it. Keep going..." I somehow managed to roll myself out of bed, dress, and do my thirty minute walk on the treadmill. My body seemed to resist the effort in every way. Funny, how this whole progression and internal battle brought him back up again. It's hard to explain but through the hour of negotiation with my body, I suddenly found myself thinking about him and how we (my body and mind) need to work together to keep him from taking control again. At the time, the fact that he hasn't actually asserted his control for almost ten years now didn't seem to enter into this private conversation. Somehow, it was like I was struggling against him all over again. I knew what I wanted and needed to do but was just allowing myself to do the opposite.
When I was twelve years old I used to tell my mother that if I had to choose between having all my body hair or be fat, I would choose being fat because at least then I will myself skinny. The taunts and the criticism of my more than usual body hair for a female was near it's worst and I would spend hours in the shower shaving my legs and talking myself out of shaving my arms. At the time, in my young ninety pound body I wished I could trade it all for extra pounds instead. When I would expressed this to my mom, her response was always, "It isn't as easy as you think to lose weight. Many times, in order to be successful, you have to face your personal demons." Of course, at that time it hardly made any sense. Personal demons and weight didn't have any correlation and really, all the person would have to do is work out.
Now, those words resonate with me more. Back then I wasn't "working out" I was skating and swimming with friends and dancing alone in my room all the time. I also new very little about personal demons as I was one of the lucky ones who grew up incredibly sheltered with a pair of loving parents who were always there whenever I needed them and even when I didn't. Before I began this weight loss journey, I wondered how my past would interfere and I thought I was ready for it. I just don't think I was ready for it to rear it's ugly head so soon. Luckily, I had a year's worth of therapy to help me through it.
What's odd is that in some ways I think it might make me work harder. It's true that once he and I started dating all my physical activity came to a stop. He didn't particularly care how fat I was so long as I laid there like a good girlfriend would and let him have his way. It was only a matter of time that I stopped fighting him physically as I always lost. It was just so much easier to give in and it made it hurt a lot less. As that continued for years, my mind which still wanted to fight would just wander away as if it wasn't connected to my body anymore. Somewhere along the way, I forgot how to listen to my body and just let it do its thing. Those rare occasions that I found myself motivated to get healthy throughout college and since, I'd push myself hard and as I was completely deaf to my physical needs always ended up with some injury that would prevent me from going back.
Maybe that was part of the problem this past year. I've been trying to listen to my body more frequently and when it goes through the natural struggles physical exercise exerts I hear it and stop all together thinking that I am incapable of handling it. Thoughts like, "I'm not strong enough," or "I can't fight through it" are stated within me and body hears and gives up. Today, I was unwilling to face the music at all. Looking back, he came up during my exercise yesterday and maybe I was just too afraid to face it again. Maybe everything I've said in the last two paragraphs is a whole lot of nonsense. I don't know. I do know that it is about control and I've had issue with control and power since we dated. I want to regain the control over myself. I feel like I've made great strides mentally but I still feel like I'm under his control physically. Getting up and exercising puts me back in control of my body. I was able to fight against it today... I just hope I can continue it.
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