Deserving happiness

Even though I worked tonight, it turned into a really wonderful evening.  It's amazing what a difference getting out at 9:30 versus 11 can do for your night.  Dave and I were able to spend some unexpected quality time together. I sometimes forget just how nice it is to just be together, to go shopping together, or have a long conversation.  It's nights like tonight that you feel very overwhelmed by love and it's such a good feeling that I wish it for everyone.  Is it weird that when I feel like I've gotten everything I could ever want in a partner, I sometimes feel really selfish for enjoying it so much or like I'm taking it granted? 

For those who don't know me, I tend to hide my feelings even from myself.  Sometimes when I'm really beginning to get close to someone I go into this self-preservation mode.  It's almost like I unconsciously say to myself, "Hey, don't get too caught up in this.  Imagine just how devastated you'll be in you lose it."  Then I tend to wall up a bit or close down.  All of a sudden my love feels subdued.  I'm about to get married and I've still yet to really answer that constant question lingering within me, "what are you afraid of?"  Perhaps my recklessness abandon in love was damaged in my first relationship.  It's always something I've been jealous of when I see it from others.  

Slowly though, I feel myself embracing it more and more.  It just that now, it seems to bring along the beginning twinges of guilt.  Like I don't deserve this happiness or this love.  Or the ever looming question, "why me?"  Why  or how is that I got so lucky?  I have so many friends who I feel are so much more deserving of this type of happiness and I feel guilty that I have and they don't.   If I enjoy it fully then I just feel selfish and scared that it's all going to disappear.  Still, I'll take nights like tonight and try not to think about the rest.  I mean, I should allow myself to feel this way more often, right?   Or no?  I'm honestly not sure.