If I had a couple of thousand dollars to spare....

Today is one of those days that I wish I had a lot of money.  It's doesn't happy very often-- the overwhelming desire to have money and spend money on everything!  I really want Stacey and Clinton to give me $5,000 and lessons on how to dress myself because I seriously don't know.  Between the money and my body image issues I feel like clothes shopping is a never ending battle.  If I had the money, I would go to the Biggest Loser Fitness Ridge for a two to three weeks just because it's a giant healthy living resort and it's gorgeous.  It's like an Fitness vacation!

Pinterest has it's downsides as it makes me want to buy everything that I pin.  Jamie and I had a conversation about my trying to find my fashion sense.  Sometimes it's hard for me.  It's really hard for me because she knows her style and there are times that I wish I was just as certain.  I really like the forties look with the pencil skirts and I also really like the business casual look as well and we talked about how I feel like I want to lose the weight first because they are so form fitting.  I do, I can't help it.  Once I got to a comfortable weight at the fitness ridge I would totally go and buy the super cute outfits I've been lusting after.

                            


Sadly, I don't really have that kind of money and probably never will but a girl can dream, right?  Especially when she doesn't want to write, please?  It will have to do because I've got nothing at the moment.

Reasons and Goals

So last night I promised that I'd post a listing of either my exact reasoning for wanting to lose weight or my smaller, more clearly defined objectives for this week.   Earlier today, I had another really good conversation with Katie over the phone and we were able to discuss some of what I was going through.  She recommended Spark People to help me define my more immediate goals and I just visited the site and she's right.  It seems like a pretty decent site to run tandem with Weight Watchers though I think I'll still use Weight Watchers tracking system for the food just because I'm structuring my diet through the points program but for the exercise, tips, and goals Spark People seems more than sufficient and motivating.  Now with that said, one to my promises.

Reasons for Getting into Shape (in no particular order)

• I want my energy back;  I feel the extra pounds and the lethargy that came with them
• My lifestyle is not healthy: I eat too much processed or take out food and don't get enough movement in my daily routine
• When I have chosen the more healthy way... everything improves.  I feel better, I sleep better, I'm less anxious, my confidence increases, and I'm more inclined to step out of my comfort zone and take a chance that I otherwise might not have.  
• Honestly, there was a time when it wasn't "exercising" or "working out" it was something I used to do for fun or as a way of self-expression;  I'd like to find that again
• I want to fit into my clothing again and also not allow my weight to be the reason I don't purchase more (needed) pieces. 
• Vanity is something I can fully deny; I do want to feel confident in a bathing suit or lingerie again especially with my honeymoon on Maui coming up.  
• Again, like with writing everyday... I want to feel confident that when I set a goal that I'm capable of sticking with it until completion
• I don't want future fitness goals to seem completely unattainable.  There is still that desire, developed my sophomore year of college, to complete a mini triathlon. 
• More than anything, I want to reconnect with my body again and prove that it's capable of a lot more than it believes.  It's not easier to give up anymore... it hurts rather than helps now. 
• Eating better and getting into shape works will assist my other more psychological goals... it will help to keep me centered and also allow my to process some of the more painful parts of my past.
• Making these changes now will be the beginning of better habits.  Let's be honest, if Dave and I continue on our path we will be worrying about a lot more than 20 or 30 pounds and my have additional health complications.  The sooner these changes are made, the easier they will be to incorporate as we grow and maybe one day expand our family.  

Those are the primarily reasons.  I'm almost positive that I forgot a couple but I'm sure they will come up later.  Also, I get that not all of them are the best reasons for wanting to get in shape.  I really shouldn't be reluctant to buy clothes because of my size and getting into shape to look good on the beaches of Maui are not going to stay with me long term.  It's just that I feel slightly dishonest if I omit the vain reasons and just try and stick with the ones that will last.  Oddly enough, it can be something as vain as "I want to fit into that dress or that bikini" that initially keeps one motivated enough to continue until the habits are more ingrained.  Of course, I won't wake up tomorrow feeling like I've reached some of those reasons or goals from above without doing the work now.   As Katie said, it's great that I want to get in shape, get healthier, and lose 20 pounds but you need to have a plan that is attainable in the short term.  

So, the short term goals for the upcoming week...

• Continue to monitor and track the point values of what I am eating on the Weight Watchers website.
• Drink eight glasses of water a day
• Fit in 15-20 minutes of activity a day
• Collect some pictures that I find motivating and create a desktop background with them
• Maybe purchase the Wii fit (though that will depend more on how I'm doing with this week's budget)
• Research healthy meal recipes (find 3- so I can choose one to possibly try next week)

As always, I will try to keep you periodically informed about my progress and as writing is a cathartic experience, you will almost definitely read about my setbacks.  I just need to remind myself that setbacks will happen and not to allow them to knock me off my game.  Wish me luck.

Not quite what I was going for...

Earlier today, I got the chance to see Katie for a brief moment before I went to work.  Seriously, I'm so inspired by her.  When I arrived, she had to turn off her Wii because she was working out and she looked so good!  I haven't seen her look so good physically since I visited her while working in Disney and she just seems to have gotten so much of her life together and I'm just so proud of her.  She showed me her "Things to Do" wall that she has in her and her husband's office.  Broken down into weeks she listed the things that she needs to complete for each of her classes and I think I'm going to copy that.  Before I left, she showed me her desktop background - it's decorated with photos that inspire and motivate her to continue her goals.

More than anything I see that she is doing things the right way.  I feel like I'm really struggling with doing the same.  Moments before I left her house she mentioned that I have set concrete, detailed goals.  She's right.  I also haven't listed the reasons I want to do this and it's a known fact that just saying "I want to lose 20 pounds" rarely works.  We need more than that.  One of the things that I wanted to do with this post was create a list of real reasons for losing the weight but there's something that seems to be standing in my way.

I feel like there's a wall between myself and my feelings.  It's like there are emotions buried deep and I'm unwilling to acknowledge them.  There's nothing more uncomfortable than this detachment.  I should be used to this by now.  It's one of the major things I've been working on over the past year but there are moments when it doesn't seem any easier.  Obviously, I'm afraid of something but I'm not sure what exactly.  Am I afraid that I don't really want to lose the weight?  I feel like I do.  Or am I afraid that losing weight isn't something you can fake.  People will notice if I'm not making any changes.  They will see if I fail and they will know that I've failed at something I care about because they can read all about it here.  So it's not like I can even pass it off as "well, I didn't really care.  I love my body just how it is."

This, for whatever reason seems harder than just writing every day.  It seems bigger.  Maybe it's because I want to bite of more than I can chew.  Writing for 15 minutes a day was small task that was easy to do.  Wanting to drop 20 pounds is so much more daunting.  Not to mention that countless people try this everyday and don't succeed.  So I feel like I have a lot of pressure and I'm not sure I can handle it.  I think this is what Katie means by setting smaller goals.   She started just by making sure she drank eight glasses of water a week.   Sigh, this post completely avoided what I actually wanted to write about.  Tomorrow, I will write about my reasons for wanting to do this or the smaller goals that I'm going to break this into.

Lifestyle change: Change my perspective on food

Normally, when I think about what to write each night I have a variety of topics that I might talk about and tonight was no different.  However, my contemplations tonight consisted of thoughts like, "I haven't written anything creative recently... I should do again.  Do I really want to discuss how I'm physically feeling for the seventh time?  Is it bad that I want to write about how frustrated I am regarding working out and not feeling up to it?"  All of these thoughts would inevitably caused a pessimistic post with a lot of whining and to be perfectly honest I've done enough of that recently.  

Suddenly, there was that one saner thought that yelled, "Um...just because you can't exercise the way you want to doesn't mean you're doomed.  How about writing about what you can do until you feel well enough to take on exercise?"  Huh, what a novel idea--writing about what you can do rather than complain about what you can't.  Thanks rational part of my brain.  I'm very grateful when you speak up and I'm going to listen to you.  So, what can I do to help me with my goal of losing weight right now? 

First off, allow me to remind myself that this is not some temporary goal that one might do for lent.  I'm not trying to give up chocolate for forty days, I'm trying to eat better overall.  Losing weight can't be about quick changes or fad diets.  It needs to be a full on life change that will continue for years and not one that will stop once my goal is achieved.  It's not an all or nothing thing.  I'll admit I've approached this the way democrats and republicans approach welfare--have or don't have it.  Truth of the matter is like welfare, that my current lifestyle is broken.  I can't just stop living but at the same time I can't continue living like this.  So why not follow what I always say when listening to the welfare debate: can we stop debating why we should or shouldn't have it and actually look at how to fix it?  

Of course, this leads to the question: What changes can I make to my current lifestyle that will better my overall health?  Obviously, getting up and exercising a bit more is necessary and I can add that into my life relatively easily.  However, my biggest problem isn't with exercising but with food.  Yes, like countless Americans, I too have issues with eating.  For me, it's not that I feel addicted to food but I am addicted to convenience.  For all intents and purposes, I abhor preparing and cooking my food.   Following recipes seems like such a chore to me so I eat whatever might be lying around that requires little preparation.  This almost always ends up being some type of processed food. 

Really, I need to change my outlook on food.  For me, I have a very unhealthy perspective of food.  The only reason I even think out it at all is the simple fact that I can't live without it.  But even then, I only think about the quickest, easiest way to satiate myself.  So the first thing I need to do is change my attitude.  I need to learn to love food and appreciate what I am eating.  I feel like if I make that shift then I might hold the food I eat to higher standards and therefore might not be satisfied which a microwavable dinner.   Even I have to admit, even though I found our food stops in Paris a bit excessive I got to know first hand how much one can actually enjoy the food they eat.  Seriously, I was on the brink of healthy living when I was in Paris: I had to walk everywhere and thanks to Lauren I was always eating something.  I need to incorporate that into my life some way.  

I need to start small.  Maybe find some reading material on food and not the "hey read this and lose weight kind of material" but more of a "Hey, I love food.  Food is awesome.  It's not something to avoid or battle but to eat and enjoy.  Read this and fall in love with food."  Normally I don't ask for my readers to comment, but I know that many of you have fabulous research resources... does something like that exist out there?   If not, I think that's going to have to be a brand new project for me. Actually either way this is going to be a new project for me.  Just like that I've been inspired!  All I needed was a half hour of mindless rambling.  I'm going to stop writing now and start researching.  Anything you guys can find will be hugely helpful; please pass it along!

Am I actually excited about shopping?

Within the past year or so, I learned how to use the internet the way most people learned ten years ago.  Still I admit that I'm a bit behind the curve as I've yet to master Twitter but I still have a hard time thinking about what random things I'd say.  I can't get over the whole "no one cares" idea even if they might.  But then, I'm very slow when it comes to figuring out the newest technological social mediums.  Had Alli not been my roommate when I was in college who knows when I would have joined Facebook?  Goodness knows that this is the first actual blog I've written more than four posts despite the fact that my best friend was writing one way back when we were in high school.  It took me this long and a solid resolution to actually get over the whole "what do I really have to say about anything, anyway?" mentality.   Though others may read this, this blog is entirely written for me and for me alone.

The bigger question is why exactly has it taken me so long to begin reading others' blogs daily and online shopping?  I mean, how have I not been doing this forever?  Of course, by shopping I mean browsing as I almost never buy any of the amazing products, clothing, and all the fun happy things I might find in my search but it's fun.  Add a tool like Pinterest and it suddenly becomes an incredibly enjoyable way to spend an evening.  Maybe not the most productive, but I was productive yesterday so I'm not too worried right now.  ::Of course, now that I say that I remember that I need to e-mail our DJ about mine and my father's idea for a father/daughter dance::  So yes, I've quite literally spent most of my evening perusing every corner of the Urban Outfitters' website and pinning my favorites.  After my diligent browsing of their website, I've concluded that I adore some of their products and can't stand others.  It's hipster fashion mixed with the style of the 90s and sometimes I really don't know how I feel about it.

Also, I'm loving the fact that my credit card allows extra point values when I make purchases through their website from merchants that they support.  I get seven points on the dollar for every purchase I make at Barnes and Noble.  Seriously, I get seven times the points at my favorite, most frequently shopped store?  Score!  So far the only two merchants I wished they had are Ikea and Amazon.  I get that they don't have Ikea but Amazon?  Why not?  What did Amazon do that JP Morgan Chase doesn't agree with?  Not that it matters all that much as I think I spend maybe $50 a year shopping online but really?   Although, now that I know I can earn so many extra points, I'm totally waiting before making any purchases at the store front locations.  If I want a particular outfit, I'll go try it on, get my size, and then go home and shop it.  Sure it's a bit more work but it's good for me too as I will really have to like something if after I see it online, I go to the store, try it on, go back home and order it.  If I don't want to spend the time, clearly the purchase wasn't important enough.   It will be the other things like shoes, books, and other stuff that I'll have to be more careful about.   Though, I've proven to myself over and over, when it comes to simple shopping I lean toward saving my cash rather than spending.

This is a first though.  I used to hate shopping.   I hated browsing knowing that I couldn't buy anything and that if I did then I absolutely better love it or it's a waste of money.   However, knowing that my purchases come with rewards makes me excited.  Already, I'm thinking about where Dave and I might like to go after Maui because goodness knows after our wedding and our honeymoon we're going to have a lot of points to spend and I can't help but be excited by that.

More wedding accomplishments!

Today I woke up not wanting to cry!! I really, really hope that this means that I'll be feeling like myself again very soon especially since I have to work tomorrow morning at seven.  I'm not looking forward to that at all but it's eight hours and so I should be able to get through it; keeping my fingers crossed.  In more disappointing news, I got weighed in for the first time since beginning weight watchers and I didn't lose a single pound which made me feel super depressed earlier.  Dave tried to reassure me that I really haven't followed the program (I haven't eaten enough points) for the past three days so it's okay.   He did lose weight this week so I'm wicked pumped for him!  One of us had some success this week.  All I can say, is that I want to get better so I can begin to kick my own butt properly.

In far more upbeat news, Dave and I have officially purchased our airfare, rental car, and two of our three hotels for our honeymoon in Maui!!!! I've been researching it for what feels like forever now and we finally chose our hotels and booked it.  Sadly, like the rest of our wedding has been it's far more expensive than we had hoped but we're doubling our savings efforts to make sure we have enough to afford it and the wedding without going into debt.  I'm super excited to see all the points that we earned on own new credit card as well.  So now, we just have to book the hotel for the second half of our trip which we should be able to do on Monday and we'll at least be able to drive around Maui, enjoy the beaches, snorkel, hike, and have all sorts of fun even if we can't afford to do anything else.  Now we just need to find a honeymoon registry that might be able to help us get those activities that we haven't planned yet.

Also, Dave finished designing our Save the Dates and I absolutely love them.  We aren't quite ready to send them out as we still need to have them printed, placed in envelops, and address them but I feel like we've hit another big milestone.   Needless to say, I'm feeling slightly better, Dave lost some weight this week, we booked the beginnings of our honeymoon, and we completed our Save the Dates so we are super happy and accomplished tonight.   Woot!  Go us!

So ready to feel better again

Waking up this morning, my throat felt like I had shards of glass lodged in it.  It was absolutely terrible.  Swallowing was so painful that I almost began to cry.  Though had I actually cried, I think it would have been just as much from exhaustion and frustration as pain.  It's been a while since I've been this sick for so long and I didn't want to get sick to begin with.  Yes, that is a strange statement but many times when I've gotten sick in the past it's been because I was trying to take on too much and getting sick was almost a welcome respite.  It gave me a couple of days of rest from my super crazy world.  Before this though I was quite happy with the pace of my life so getting sick has really just gotten in the way of many things I've been looking forward to doing.  

Today was another day spent literally sleeping all day though I did make the concerted effort to get to my therapy appointment.  For the first time since I began, I really didn't feel up to going today as my only desire was to sleep.  However, in the end I am glad that I did.  I discussed some of the thoughts and feelings regarding what came up while exercising in more detail and got some of the validation that I needed.  Yes, some of it could be related to my getting older and therefore making it more difficult to exercise but there is more going on.  As she said, "it makes sense.  You've done a lot of work this year and you may be more mentally ready to process this now."  She thinks that I've been so detached from my body for so long that I'm beginning to reconnect and she always says that "the body remembers" more than the mind.  She did caution me to not get too lost in those feelings though as it is very important that I   find the joy in exercise again. 

 So once, I'm well enough to continue I will definitely try and just walk and listen to my music and not allow myself to focus on those thoughts and feelings.  Right now though, I'm finding it difficult to get out of my hazy world of ick.  Alli seemed so much more functional during her bout with this plague.  Seriously, maybe I am just unable to tolerate this discomfort more than others.   Who knows but I'm really looking forward to feeling better really soon.  The key is to try and stay positive.  

Blah, blah, blah

I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've had medicine in me all day or if I'm actually feeling a bit better but I'll take it.  That's not to say that my throat doesn't still really hurt and I'm still super uncomfortable whenever I talk but overall I feel a lot better than yesterday.  I really hope that means I'm not going to crash tomorrow but we'll see.   Due to being sick, I've limited my exercise because I don't want to push it too far but I'm really excited to get back on the treadmill.  Despite how much I dread it, all forms of exercise tend to make me feel great afterward.   Tomorrow is Friday which means that I have a weigh in just over a day(yes, I'm referring to it the way they do on reality tv weight loss shows).   I'm going into expecting to gain and praying that I lose at least a half a pound.

Okay, yeah.  That's really all I wanted to say for the night.  I really regret that I wasn't able to hang out with my best friend this week like we had planned.  I miss her terribly and we haven't seen each other in what feel like forever.  So much has probably happened in her life and I haven't really even had the chance to talk to her about.  I allowed myself to get all caught up in my wedding planning and I haven't taken the time for the other important people in my life.  I was just miserable this week, I couldn't talk, our apartment looks like a bomb hit it and I didn't have any energy to do anything about it, and finally she's already had her share of illnesses this winter and the last thing she needs right now if catching something from me.   Is it weird that I feel guilty about things that aren't in my control?  I think it might be.

Sick with food on the brain?

Today lacked all sorts of interesting and basically consisted of me sleeping, trying to soothe my sore throat, and more sleeping.  Dave actually woke me up so I could write.  He knows how important writing everyday is for me and didn't want me to not do it and be upset with myself tomorrow.   I know it might seem like a mean thing to do for someone who's sick but this is only one of the reasons I totally love him.  He let me make the choice to write or sleep (even brought my computer to my bed) rather than automatically doing what he thinks is best.  Also, I love that for the past half hour he's been slaving over making me tea. Oh, that and he worked from home just so he could take care of me and let me complain at him all day.   I have absolutely no idea if anything I just wrote makes any sense whatsoever but I love my fiance for all the little things he does.

I also think I'm a big ol' baby.  Seriously, I'm like the guy in our relationship.  He's the one who gets sick and pushes himself through it.  I mean, he had mono and continued to work just about everyday except for the two that he was in the hospital for.  I mean, really?  He never complains.  I get a sore throat and I'm all, "Oh, woe is me!" ::whine, whine, whine::   When did I become such a big wuss.  My mom used to say I had remarkable pain tolerance but if I did, I think it must've worn off.   I will admit, this is the first time my throat has been this sore in a really long time but it's not like it has white spots or anything on it.  I contemplated going to the doctor but as I don't have a fever and aside from my throat being sore, my ears feeling blocked, and overall tiredness I feel okay.

In other news, Dave just told me that they are going to build and Earl of Sandwich in Boston!!!  That's seriously the best food news I've heard since we discovered where Five Guys was going to be located in Stoneham.  So many great food places so close by!!!  Katie introduced me to Earl of Sandwich when I went to visit her while she worked down in Disney and I fell in love with it.  Since then, every Disney trip I've been on since (so many Disney trips)  I've made it a point to eat there at least once.   I'm so happy they are coming to Boston; it's literally made my day (aside from the well wishes I received when I chose to complain on facebook).  So Earl of Sandwich and Five Guys... so much for my goal of wanting to cook at home.  I mean, why cook when there are so many great eateries.  Now, all we need is a real Patisserie like they have on every corner in Paris.  Not the French imitation cafes where they serve super sugary dried pastry.  No, I want to have a shop that serves us the real thing; where they bake bread every morning and their pastry is like artwork of deliciousness all for a couple of dollars.

Well, now that I've completely lost all control over this particular post I'm going to call it a night and hope I feel much better in the morning.

Under the Weather

I'm not feeling well tonight.  I think I might have caught whatever it was that Alli was getting over when I saw her on Saturday.  Work tonight killed me and I was so lucky that I got to leave a half hour earlier because I went in early to train.  Also, can I just say that I'm really excited to have the next two days off.  So I won't have to spend too much time talking.

Anyway, despite my sore throat I actually woke up with Dave and went for my walk early this morning.  Weird how today it was super easy to get there and do it when yesterday was such a struggle.  I did it; I ate properly and I took a long nap before going to work. Sadly, instead of getting better I feel like I'm crashing even more.  There was something I wanted to write about tonight but I don't really remember what it was now.  I feel super tired and my throat and inner ears ache.  So this might actually be the shortest post I've written thus far.

It's not about losing weight but regaining control.

Yesterday was the first day of spring and today it snowed.  Funny how my mood mirrors the weather at times.  Last night, I was full of motivation and excitement toward the my new goal and today it seemed almost impossible to get myself out of bed.  After a couple of hours (yes hours) of blatantly ignoring that I needed to wake up and begin the day, I finally had to use every cognitive behavioral tool I learned to actually tear myself from my comfortable blankets.   There was a silent battle raging within me as my mind tried to first demand that I get up and then thing going, then attempted to coerce my body into an upright positive, and finally listened and responded with as much encouragement as it could muster.

Through a series of mental, "Yes, good job... no put on your socks.  Yes, now bundle up- it's snowing outside and we are not going to let that stop us from the treadmill today.  You can do it.  Keep going..."  I somehow managed to roll myself out of bed, dress, and do my thirty minute walk on the treadmill.   My body seemed to resist the effort in every way.  Funny, how this whole progression and internal battle brought him back up again.  It's hard to explain but through the hour of negotiation with my body, I suddenly found myself thinking about him and how we (my body and mind) need to work together to keep him from taking control again.  At the time, the fact that he hasn't actually asserted his control for almost ten years now didn't seem to enter into this private conversation.  Somehow, it was like I was struggling against him all over again.  I knew what I wanted and needed to do but was just allowing myself to do the opposite.

When I was twelve years old I used to tell my mother that if I had to choose between having all my body hair or be fat, I would choose being fat because at least then I will myself skinny.  The taunts and the criticism of my more than usual body hair for a female was near it's worst and I would spend hours in the shower shaving my legs and talking myself out of shaving my arms.  At the time, in my young ninety pound body I wished I could trade it all for extra pounds instead.  When I would expressed this to my mom, her response was always, "It isn't as easy as you think to lose weight.  Many times, in order to be successful, you have to face your personal demons."  Of course, at that time it hardly made any sense.  Personal demons and weight didn't have any correlation and really, all the person would have to do is work out.

Now, those words resonate with me more.  Back then I wasn't "working out" I was skating and swimming with friends and dancing alone in my room all the time.  I also new very little about personal demons as I was one of the lucky ones who grew up incredibly sheltered with a pair of loving parents who were always there whenever I needed them and even when I didn't.  Before I began this weight loss journey, I wondered how my past would interfere and I thought I was ready for it.   I just don't think I was ready for it to rear it's ugly head so soon.  Luckily, I had a year's worth of therapy to help me through it.

What's odd is that in some ways I think it might make me work harder.  It's true that once he and I started dating all my physical activity came to a stop.  He didn't particularly care how fat I was so long as I laid there like a good girlfriend would and let him have his way.  It was only a matter of time that I stopped fighting him physically as I always lost.  It was just so much easier to give in and it made it hurt a lot less.  As that continued for years, my mind which still wanted to fight would just wander away as if it wasn't connected to my body anymore.  Somewhere along the way, I forgot how to listen to my body and just let it do its thing.  Those rare occasions that I found myself motivated to get healthy throughout college and since, I'd push myself hard and as I was completely deaf to my physical needs always ended up with some injury that would prevent me from going back.

Maybe that was part of the problem this past year.  I've been trying to listen to my body more frequently and when it goes through the natural struggles physical exercise exerts I hear it and stop all together thinking that I am incapable of handling it.   Thoughts like, "I'm not strong enough," or "I can't fight through it" are stated within me and body hears and gives up.  Today, I was unwilling to face the music at all.  Looking back, he came up during my exercise yesterday and maybe I was just too afraid to face it again.  Maybe everything I've said in the last two paragraphs is a whole lot of nonsense.  I don't know.  I do know that it is about control and I've had issue with control and power since we dated.  I want to regain the control over myself.  I feel like I've made great strides mentally but I still feel like I'm under his control physically.  Getting up and exercising puts me back in control of my body.  I was able to fight against it today... I just hope I can continue it.

Weight Loss will be mine! (I hope)

So I didn't mention this in my last post but yesterday before we went off to have roller derby fun times, Dave and I joined Weight Watchers.  I got to that point where all my attempts were futile and I kept making excuses for myself allowing myself to slack off continuously.  Trust me, I'd prefer not to shell out a monthly fee to help me lose all the weight I gained which turned out to be a lot more than even I realized (I spent the last couple of months avoiding the scale).  However, I realized that I need the accountability.  I need to have some stranger take my weight every week and see whether I gained or lost anything.  Sadly, I'm resorting to extrinsic motivation again and I'm beginning to wonder if I even have a shred of that intrinsic stuff that allows others to get things done without the accountability.   Is this something I can even develop?  I'm not so sure anymore.

Anyway, today was the first official day that I followed the plan to a T.  It's such an eye opening experience at just how crappy most of the stuff I eat really is and that it requires conscious effort for me to continue eating throughout the day rather than starving my body and binging on something crazy at night.   Overall though, I like it.  I like looking up the point values and writing down what I eat throughout the day.  It forces me to pay attention not only to what I'm eating but when I'm eating.  Also, Dave and I have wonderful intentions about making more food at "home" but the honest fact is that neither one of us particularly enjoy cooking.  I can't rely on him to cook me healthy, home cooked options and he can't rely on me either.  We both need quick, easily prepared foods that we can grab and go on the way to work.  

I mean, I absolutely love fruits and veggies but actually making a salad feels like such a process that neither of us seem to be willing to commit to on any regular basis.  I'm all for grabbing a handful of grapes, a microwavable dinner, and maybe a banana before running out the door for work.  Easy stuff and Weight Watchers is good for that.  Though after we attempted to go to Uno's tonight we realized just how horrible all those meals are for you so we may find ourselves forcing each other to do the actual making stuff at home.  It's times like this that I wish we had the same schedule.  I feel like we constantly have to think about meals that can be taken to work as he works days and I work nights.  It makes dinners together sparse at best and we normally would rather spend that time eating and hanging out together rather than cooking.  

Alas, I do plan on doing the shopping tomorrow and picking up more healthy "super" foods as Weight Watchers calls them.  They are the foods you can basically eat as much as you need without it really counting against you.  It's not like the other diets that deprive you of food but with that said, I really should be to exert some control over my eating habits.  Just because I want that piece of candy while I'm at work doesn't mean I should get up and get it.  Had I brought the grapes or the banana, that might be enough to curb the hunger and it wouldn't use up any points.  I'll admit, this program is different from when I last joined and I'm still not sure how most fruits and veggies (there are exceptions, of course) don't count for points.  They did before and it seems like they still should.  I suppose only the scale will tell. 

In addition to food shopping and exercising for at least thirty minutes I also plan to take one of my closest friends advice.  Katie also has the desire to shed some pounds and she somehow found the motivation to make the changes more gradually; slowly integrating better food choices and exercise into her daily routine (you know, the way it's supposed to be done).  Anyway, yesterday, she gave some great pointers to help me be successful; one of which is that it takes at least 14 days to make something a habit.  No matter how much I hate it or don't want to do it, I need to remember that it will get easier as I continue (the same way writing everyday has). 

 She also talked about how she surrounds herself with inspirational photos to illustrate her goals making them her Windows background.  It's such a great idea and something I really want to do tomorrow.  Finally, the most important thing she said was that it would be best if I came up with a list saying exactly why I want to lose the weight; something other than, "aaah I need to lose 25 pounds!"  It's not anything I haven't heard before but sometimes you need to see it working for someone and it's working for her.  I'm not going to go into detail about her goals because that's not my place but I was definitely inspired by her yesterday and I'm officially ready to begin my own journey.  Gosh, I feel like I'm on so many journeys at the same time... but at least they are all seem to be in the same direction; that makes it okay, right?

Roller Derby and Restaurant Tiffs

Okay, normally I don't like to rant when I begin blog posts but I need to get this out there so I can continue discussing the pretty awesome day I had otherwise.  I live with Dave and I have absolutely no issue being separated from him; however, there are times when it just makes it easier for everyone.  When he and I first started dating, we went to a party with a bunch of his friends.  I didn't know any of them and while I was socializing, I turned around and found that he had disappeared.  I proceeded to get super anxious but new I had two choices: either freak out at a party where I knew no one or just integrate myself.   I chose to integrate and everyone at the party were amazing people and we got along fabulously but it didn't make me feel any more comfortable.

After that party, I proceeded to freak out on Dave and explained to him just how uncomfortable being left like that feels.  Though he argued it at the time, he understands.  He would just choose a third option that I never considered.  When he is uncomfortable, he takes out whatever electronic device he has on him and holes himself away from anyone.  Tonight when he got separated from me at dinner along with everyone else he knows and can talk to, that was just what he chose to do.  We had already mentioned to James that we wanted to sit next to each other but that was brushed aside and that was okay because Dave was still able to talk with Alli whom he knows and is comfortable around.  However, when his seat was taken after getting up to go to the bathroom, I knew that changed.  Knowing that I was unable to ask anyone to move, I contemplated getting up myself and sitting next to him.  I tried to text him to see if he was okay but it was clear that he was annoyed as well and sort of felt like he was just pushed aside.

At that point I just wanted to leave.  He was going to be miserable and I was going to be miserable because he had be isolated (however unintentionally) and the only way to rectify it at the time was to cause a scene and that is something I almost always try to avoid.  Although, I obviously found his unhappiness to outweigh my unwillingness to cause a scene and I did.  As per usual, our irritation at others was taken out on each other and we bickered like small children which lead to the "oh they have to be together" comments to be spoken aloud.  So no, we don't have to be together all the time.  But Dave came with me tonight to hang out with my friends (some of whom he hardly knows).  If I had gone with Jamie or if one of my friends from tonight joined me at a gathering of people they didn't know, I would have caused the same scene because it's unfair for someone to feel isolated and uncomfortable like that.  Not everyone can roll with it like I do and I would never expect them to because I know just how much I hate it when it's forced upon me.  Thank goodness for Katie's husband who went over and pulled Dave out of the shell he was hiding within.  Jared will always be listed in my "Most favorite people" book even if it is just an imaginary one.  

Anyway, now that I've gotten that off my chest... Both of us actually had a really good time today.  For Alli's birthday we went out to a Roller Derby and it was super loads of fun.  I enjoyed seeing Alli and Katie again as we don't see each other nearly enough and despite the loud crowd, we were able to find time to actually discuss some of the things happening in our lives.  When we weren't able to talk, we watched the roller derby and attempted to figure out the rules and just enjoyed watching women skate around and hit each other.  Finally, as the competition continue we were able to piece together some of things that were happening and by the time the big game started we all seemed to have a pretty general grasp of what was going on.  Honestly, while I was watching it I felt like I missed out on participating in such an activity.  The whole skating around an area while bumping into others is something I would thoroughly enjoy.  I'd consider it now, but I don't know how I feel about trading in my figure skatings to roller skates.  

Despite mine and Dave's little tiff at the restaurant and James not having a ticket to the sold out show, I'm pretty sure that everyone including Alli had a good time and that really is the most important thing as it was her birthday celebration.  Alli, I apologize for the restaurant and I hope that you can kind of understand where we were coming from.  Dave and I had an amazing time tonight and are so happy you came up with the roller derby idea.   

Update

So I had just gotten all comfortable snuggling up to Dave's chest ready to fall asleep for the night when he asked, "hey,did you write today?"  I had entirely forgotten and with a large groan, I sat up and Dave ran off to get my laptop so I could spend another night writing in the darkness.   Needless to say, this will be quite a short post because I am super tired and so ready to close my eyes and sleep.

The weather today was absolutely gorgeous and it's amazing what warm weather can do for my mood.  Even driving to work on a Friday night didn't make me as grumpy as it normally does and that's saying a lot.  A surprising hint of what lingers around the corner and I am so excited for it.  In other, completely unrelated news, I redid our wedding budget and sadly we will most definitely go over.  Although the major purchases are out of the way and we are currently under budget, the smaller little things I think are going to do us in.  Hopefully just not by too, too much.   I also began looking up addresses for my guests and I think I've got most of them.  Those that I don't have I've sent messages through to on Facebook and will hopefully be hearing back from them soon.

Now, the major things to do are actually starting a workout regime. Dave wants to do it too so I think we are going to really try and buckle down tomorrow.   Also, it's time for us to get to work on our Save the Date Cards.   Something tells me that we won't necessarily get to those tomorrow but I'd like to start working on some templates soon so that we iron out all the kinks.  We at least have an idea so that's a start.   With all of that said, I hope that everyone enjoyed their day and now that I've written, I'm officially going to end mine.

It's your birthday, hey hey!

Happy Birthday Alli!

One of my closest friends shares her birthday with the lucky green day of leprechauns; however, my poor friend rarely has enjoys her annual day of birth as it tends to be one of her unluckiest days of the year.   Every year something seems to happen that prevents her from enjoying her day the way one would like and should spend their day.   There always seems to be some argument or something that goes awry.  Today, she spent the day resting and trying to feel comfortable as she has fallen ill.  I mean, really, sickness is not suppose to get in your way on your birthday.

When I called her she sounded like her regular cheerful self but you could hear that she wasn't feeling well at all.  We have plans to go see a roller derby on Saturday with a bunch of her friends so I really hope that she is feeling better by then because neither of us have ever been and we're both super excited!  Though I know, she was completely satisfied by my earlier phone call to wish her a Happy Birthday, since I am writing everyday today is the perfect day to dedicate this post to her.

Alli and I met our second week of college and at first I wasn't sure if she was going to like me all that much.  At the time, she had a very dark and melancholic facade.   For her, college was difficult at first and was unsure about meeting other people.  On the other hand, I was light, carefree, bubbly almost to to point of childlike because I was determine to make friends as I was terrified at the time of not finding anyone and proving to my abusive boyfriend that he was right.   However, I think primarily because I couldn't imagine not being her friend we slowly began to establish a decent bond.    Really despite our contrasting outward appearances, we have many similarities.

By our sophomore year we had become super close friends and roommates.  If I wrote about how many times she's inspired me or quelled my anxiety or helped me in some way or another, this post would go on for pages and pages.   She is one of the most understanding, perceptive, witty, amazing people in my life who is always willing to lend a helping hand or a listening ear to anyone she cares about no matter what kind of personal hardship she is dealing with on her own.  Not only has she been the calm voice of practical reasoning during my times of heighten anxiety and chaotic moments, I know that she been the rock of many of our mutual friends.

Her laugh is downright contagious and everything she pursues she does with such passion that they start mini trends within our social circle; no matter how quirky her interest might be at the time.  Though she might deny it, she has such a graceful strength and approaches her hardships with wit and humor every time. She may seem shy at first, she is unafraid to speak her mind on anything she believes in and insists upon living her life on her own terms in a way that I just find so inspiring.

And this post wouldn't be complete if I didn't mention how much I look up to her as a writer.  She is the best writer I know and many of her writings are easily more eloquently written than published authors.  Her talent is in her poetry but her prose and fiction leave me speechless every time.  For those of you who don't know her writings, you need to check her website (all of which she designed on her own) here: http://cyanotic.org   As you read, I'm sure you will agree with me.   Recently, she started submitting some of her work to publications and I couldn't be more proud of her.

It's odd, I wish that I could capture of writer essence for this post because what I've written doesn't even begin to do her justice.  She is one of my absolute favorite people in the universe and I would do just about anything for her.  Alli, I love you and I wish you a very happy birthday! <3

Good times

It's only Wednesday but so far I feel like I've been able to put so many things behind me both wedding and otherwise.  Today Dave and I went cake tasting and we designed and chose a cake on the first go.  Really aside from the venue and my little meltdown regarding whether or not we made the correct choice, this planning was easier than I expected.  Granted, the "work" stuff of DIYing our invitations, save the dates, and other things have yet to be attempted so maybe I'll feel differently.

We also took a look at the budget and made some adjustments and at the moment we're not looking as bad as I originally thought.   Even now, I love looking at finances and planning savings and watching it grow while our debt shrinks.  You should have heard Dave and I discuss merging our finances in the car on the way to try out cakes.  For some couples, money is completely crippling but for him and I, we're on the same page.  We have the same basic long term goals and I've earned his trust in managing money which is awesome because I personally believe that I do spend it more wisely than some.

Finally, I think I might have officially closed a major door in my life.  Well I'm really hopeful anyway.  By a strange twist, I got to talk with someone whom I've always had feelings for in the past.  He and I have sort of come into and out of each other's lives in key moments.  Always, there were feelings but nothing would ever come of it because our timing was always off.  For a long time, he lingered in the back of my mind but with tonight's conversation I really got to express some of the things with him and we had a wonderful talk.  For the first time, I felt some closure there and actually saw a glimpse of a potential friendship without the romantic tension.   We'll see, maybe not.  We very well could drift back into our own individual lives but at least we'd be ending on a very positive note this time.

Overall, now that half the week is over I'm feeling really good right now.  Compared to how I felt this past weekend, I feel like a different person.  It feels good to get things done.

Productivity and so much more

Today was super productive.  Though we have yet to sign any contracts, we basically decided on both our DJ and officiant today!  This afternoon, I went down to the office and watched the videos of the two DJs that we had in the running.  Dave went and watched the videos last night after work and while I was working and when we discussed it on the way to meet the officiant tonight, we was clear we both came to the same decision.  Both of us think that the second dj we met last Thursday at the firehouse will be a great fit for us.  He was easy to talk to, had a great selection of music, able to get just about any music we want, and just seem like an overall good guy who will be easy to work with.  Not to mention, totally came in under budget (so far the only thing that's really come under budget).   The women in the office printed out the contracts so I think we will filled them out tomorrow and either mail them tomorrow night or fax them on Wednesday.

The highlight of the evening though was when we met our officiant.  He talked with us for almost three hours and when we left, I literally was so emotional that I cried tears of happiness.  We were recommended to him a few weeks ago by one of Dave's coworkers who saw him at another wedding and when we looked at his website, we thought he was just who we are looking for to conduct our ceremony.  Having a spiritual, but not so much a religious ceremony was really important to us.   It could be my Catholic upbringing but I have always viewed marriage as not only a physical, mental, and emotional commitment but a spiritual one as well.  To me, that's why marriage is such a big deal.  You are promising yourself to a person mind, body, and soul for the rest of your life.  It's not something you enter into lightly.

Anyway, I always sort of saw myself getting married by a minister or a priest but having drifted away from my faith years ago and Dave having a deep aversion to all things connected to anything with a dogma I was beginning to think that finding someone that would fit our needs was close to impossible.  So you can imagine how excited I was when Dave showed me Rev. Michael Scarlett's website and I immediately sent him an e-mail.  It was difficult meeting him at first but we finally met up today in a Barnes and Noble cafe and we both left knowing that not only did we want him to officiate our wedding and provide us pre-marital counselling (he also does that) but that we wanted him part of our lives in general.

When we were talking, it felt like he was speaking our mutual spiritual language.  Religion and spirituality has been a constant point of contention between Dave and me over the years and although we both appeared to be on the same page regarding our personal beliefs we had a really hard time describing them. Both of us have our own reasons for leaving our original belief systems and dogma far too painful to go into in this entry.  For us, any kind of spirituality/religion or lack thereof is entirely a personal decision and it's a very powerful decision that lies deep within us.  Neither of us believe that it's anyone's place to tell us what is the "right" way to believe or live.  Listening to the Reverend was so refreshing and it gave me such hope.  For the first time in a very long time, I almost felt connected to something so much bigger than me again.

I have a lot of anger toward the Catholic faith--displaced anger perhaps but anger nonetheless.  For years, it has burdened me and I've constantly felt like a large piece of myself was missing when I lost touch with my faith.  That is not to say that I rediscovered it tonight as I haven't even begun to address my issues yet but for the first time I feel like I could begin to work them out.  My current therapist can help me change my thought patterns and teach me some coping mechanisms to deal with my anxiety but she can't fill the void within me derived from my anger, resentment, and loss toward faith.  I've been seeking a spiritual advisor to possibly help me address some of those issues and I think I might have found one.  I don't know where it will lead but I'm hopeful.

All I know is that tonight we met a truly wonderful man who I can't wait to get to know more and continue working with.  Dave went to bed tonight but I think we will try and compose an e-mail to him to express our gratitude for his time and schedule our first marriage counselling session.  I'm super excited and truly feel at peace for the first time in a long time.  Jamie, if you are reading this... I think I finally had the experience I was looking for in Paris.

How it started...

She sat on his bed feeling nervous and uncomfortable.  She didn't like that the door was closed; she wasn't supposed to be alone in a room with boys yet as she was only fifteen.  She wasn't sure that she wanted to be alone with a boy especially this particular boy; she still didn't know how she felt about him.  His parents were in the next room but he didn't seem to care he moved his things scattered across the floor.  Despite the fact that she wanted to open the door, she didn't feel comfortable doing so.  How could she explain that she wasn't comfortable, it was just a closed door.  

They weren't talking.  In fact, most of their date they really hadn't been able to carry a conversation.   It wasn't for her lack of trying.  She had walked around the mall, dodging his kisses and frequent attempts are getting so close to her.  This wasn't what she wanted; she wanted someone else but that relationship had failed before it had even started and she knew that wasn't a possibility.  Although, she wasn't all that into him she did have to admire how adamantly he pursued her.  No one had ever done that before so she couldn't really disagree with him when he told her that he was the only one who would put this much effort into getting a date from her.  

Reluctantly she agreed.  Now she wasn't really sure how she had gone from the mall to his bedroom.  His father had said he needed to stop back at his place before taking her home and now she found herself sitting awkwardly in his cluttered bedroom.   The fact that he didn't drive at the age of eighteen bothered her.  Had he had his license and a car, he could've driven her home.  The one that didn't work out was driving and he was only sixteen.  Time seemed to drag.  She just wanted to go home. 

"Have you ever seen an erect penis?"  Though she had been expecting this she was surprised that these were the first words he had really spoken to her since closing the door.  She had not seen an erect penis and nor did want to as she was fervent Catholic and they had strict rules regarding things of this nature.  When she made the promise to herself, to God, and to her friends to stay a virgin until she married she had been serious.  Why else would a man want to commit to you forever if he had everything he already wanted?  She didn't want that to happen to her so she answered him as firmly as could, "No, and I don't want to."  

"It's really not that big of a deal, you know.  It's just a penis.  Plus now that we're dating, it's sort of a normal thing that happens in a relationship."  His response confused her.  Just because they were dating didn't mean they were in a relationship.  Did he think they were in a relationship?  She wanted to leave but now he was standing above her and his 6'3 stature would be difficult to surpass.  Anyway, if she got to the door and opened it, where would she go?  She had to wait for his father to drive her home.  Noticing his hands moving to his pants and beginning to unbutton them, she turned away.  "No, I don't want to see it" she said again with her back toward him now. 

For a long moment they sat there in silence. She could feel him standing over her and she didn't dare turn back toward him.  Grateful for the knock on the door and hearing his father's gruff voice say he was ready to go, she relaxed, waited a few more seconds, and turned back around to get up for the door.   Not realizing that he hadn't moved, she found herself staring at his him exposed and erect.   Blinking, she tried to figure out what was happening.  "You knew you wanted to see it.  What do you think?" his voice sounded far away but she heard him.  Had she indicated that she wanted to see it?  No, she said no but maybe she hadn't been clear enough.  It didn't matter at the moment, she couldn't not look.  She had never seen one before and she found it's shape strange and repulsive.  She wanted to leave.  

"Want to touch it?" She hardly heard him as she was busy trying to figure out a way around him and out the door.  Why didn't he leave?  He heard his father,  hadn't he?  What if his father walked in right now?  What would he think of her?  Would he tell her parents?  They would never believe her if she said she didn't ask to see it.  They would be so angry and never let her leave the house or go out with anyone again.  Suddenly, she felt his hand take her wrist and he was moving it toward him.  What was he doing?  She didn't want to touch it, did she?  No, this goes against everything she believed in.  She attempted to move her hand away but she felt his grip tighten and then she felt him.  Her mind was racing.  What was she going to do?

There was a knock at the door again.  This time it was more forceful.  His father was waiting for them.  She didn't want him to open the door and see her with her hand on his son's penis.  Finally, she felt him take her hand off him and move away from her.  She sat there as he pulled his pants back up and she thought she saw a flicker of a smile on her face.  What had just happened?  What did she just do?  Completely confused she now felt unable to move.  "Are you coming?"  He asked; the door was now open and both him and his father were waiting for her.  Quickly she stood up and made her way to the door.  She didn't know what to think.  She felt embarrassed and unsure of herself?  Did she really want this?  If she didn't, why didn't she stop it?   

As she sat in the backseat on the way home she gazed out the window.  How was she going to face her parents?  She had deliberately disobeyed their wishes and they would be so angry with her if they knew.  What did God think of her now?  This wasn't supposed to be something she did until she was married.  Maybe she didn't stop him because she thought he was someone that she could marry but she didn't understand.  She hardly liked him but there was no denying it now, they had definitely crossed the line from dating to a relationship.  

My thoughts are with the people in Japan.

I've blatantly ignored a major event in the world this weekend in favor of my own far more minor issues; however, I feel like I should at least dedicate one entry to the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  To be completely honest, I've avoided doing too much reading or watching articles about it since it happened on Friday.  When I first heard about it, I listened to the discussions Friday afternoon on CNN and the BBC but they had little actual information as it was 3am in Japan.  However, now that there is more information and video footage available I've managed to avoid.  It wasn't necessarily something I specifically set out to avoid, I just didn't bother with actually researching it.

I learned today why I probably did that.  I watched a six minute video of an area hit by the tsunami.  It wasn't overtly devastating in the way that you didn't see human chaos and fear but the destruction was unbelievable and I found myself floored by the whole thing.  Everything just happened so quickly.  But then the real reason I avoid these things set in.  I wanted to go back in time and save everyone who was killed or injured.  Knowing I couldn't do that I actually attempted to relate to them and that's when things got bad.  I started visualizing the worst possible scenarios and what I would think or feel if it was me in that scenario.  This of course would cause me to sob at the immense loss that so many strangers to me must be feeling.  Then there is the knowledge that the worst my imagination could conceive more than likely did happen to someone.

Within ten minutes I had gone from being calm, composed, and relatively happy to feeling completely devastated and overwhelmed.  There's absolutely nothing I can really do but throw some money at it and though I don't have any objection to doing that because a lot of money will be needed to rebuild it just doesn't seem to equate. My desire to understand and sympathize scares the crap out of me because I never actually want to know what they experienced and still are experiencing.  It doesn't seem right that I get to sit here on my comfortable couch, feeling stuffed from dinner in my warm apartment worrying about my wedding.  Doesn't really seem fair.  I feel like I don't appreciate it fully and at the same time, know that I don't ever want to "appreciate" or "understand."  That contradiction makes me feel like a terrible person.

Return to Calm

Alright this post needs to be short tonight because I lose an hour of sleep and have to be at work by 7am.  Yeah, it's not my favorite but getting out at 3pm sure beats leaving work at 11pm.  Anyway, tonight was much better than last night.  This morning I got my monthly visitor and although I normally dislike blaming my not so endearing moods on it, seeing it upon waking did make me feel a little better about last night.  My mood was still foul when I left work this afternoon and Dave tried to cheer me up by taking me on a drive but it only resulted in us getting into a bit of a tiff because I didn't think he was doing enough in regards to the wedding planning.

However, once we got home he made me sit down and rest while he did some of the planning for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding morning.   Later he came back to me and showed me what he had come up with and he had some really good ideas.  He thinks he's incapable of planning but I think that's just his way of not having to deal with it.  I just felt too overwhelmed by everything and didn't want to think about it anymore.  At some point early this evening apologies were exchanged and some cuddling ensued and we were happy with each other again.

It was about that time that I decided that I want to go out to dinner and maybe check out a couple more jewelry stores to see if we could find his ring.  We "went to Jared's"  and actually did find something that we both really liked though of course it is a bit more than we were hoping to spend.  Our jewelry person actually gave my engagement ring a cleaning so now it sparkles like it's brand new and that makes me super happy.  We also discovered that Borders is closing which makes me super unhappy but we did take advantage of their giant sale.

Finally we made our way to UNOs where we had an amazing dinner.  They sort of revamped their menu and the food was delicious.  However, the best part is now they have these mini computers where you can see the menu,  order your dessert (though we couldn't actually figure out how to do that) and play games.  We literally sat there for about 45 minutes after our meal in an attempt to score a B on the memory game.  In the end we only achieved a B- and left because our brains felt like jelly.  Another great aspect of dinner was that we planned out detailed tentative plans for some of what was stressing me yesterday and I feel so much calmer now.

The day started off quite rocky but everything seemed to smooth over toward the end and I feel much better about life again.  Yay!

I knew this was coming

You know how they say that at some point every bride has that moment where they go, "aaaaah! What am I thinking? Is one day worth so much money?  Maybe we should just forgo the whole thing and get married at City Hall!!! aaaaah!".  Yeah, tonight turned into that kind of night.  Dave and I went for a taste testing at our venue; well, we tried to anyway.  Since it was at 6pm, Dave left work early to make sure we got there on time.  However, it took him over an hour to get home and we didn't leave our apartment until 5:35pm.  That wouldn't have been so bad had it not taken an additional hour and twenty minutes to get to our venue.  By the time we finally got there we found ourselves frustrated, frazzled, and having missed the tasting of the hors d'oeuvre and the first course.  We did get a chance to try the second and third course and both of those tasted great but it would've really been nice to try it all especially since this is apparently the only one they are going to have all year?  Yeah, we think that's dumb too.

Anyway the super long drive got me thinking about the rehearsal dinner and how none of our bridal party live close.  We're hoping that we may be able to schedule it for the Saturday morning before our wedding because then we can all just spend the day together and get married the next day.  However, I'm worried that we won't be able to do it then and be forced to do it on a Thursday or something.  Considering the traffic, most of our bridal party would have to take the day off of work which is an idea that I completely abhor.  Part of the reason we chose to stay local than the destination event that we originally wanted was for convenience purposes.  By staying close, our bridal party and guests wouldn't have to drive for hours and miss work unless of course if they run into the kind of traffic that we ran into tonight.  Obviously not as convenient as we thought.  Then before we left, we asked how we would go about getting a room for the night before so that it would be easy to get ready the morning of and found out that we actually can't.  It is their policy for all their Saturday night weddings, whomever is getting must book all the rooms in the inn and therefore no rooms are available for us the night before.  Now, that shouldn't be too bad as most places normally have a place for the bride and groom to get ready; however, we somehow got one of those few places without one.

During the ride home, I found myself extremely cranky and morose.  I began to wonder why I didn't just follow through with my destination event.  That way, everyone would be there.  We'd make a full weekend out of it with lots of activities and though people may have to take a day off of work, it would be for more than a rehearsal dinner.  It would be the beginning of a fun festive wedding weekend with friends.  Not to mention that I'd at least have a place to change into my wedding dress.  I was frustrated that we completely threw away the idea after realizing that the only two places were too expensive.  Exactly why didn't we keep looking in different towns, I still don't know.  We might have been able to find a better deal and gotten everything we wanted without feeling like we had to compromise.  A huge part of me wanted to keep looking and start over but we've already invest $2,000 into the place and suddenly I felt trapped.  Feeling psychologically trapped never bodes well for me and this time was no surprise.  I ended up calling my mom and ranting for far too long and my mother is too good to me to listen to all of it.  She tried to make me feel better but I was too far gone and just couldn't get past the irritation of it all.  Then of course I felt terrible for ruining her Friday night with my ranting.

Hanging up the phone I flopped on the couch and moped for a bit before Dave began getting annoyed and we began talking about why all of this craziness was necessary.  Maybe we should just scrap the whole thing and do some cheap and simple.  Our budget is continuing to grow larger and larger and everywhere we turn there seems to be more money that we are going to have to spend.  The next thing I knew I was looking at another venue and found myself actually contemplating changing.  I even called my mother again to tell her about the better deal I found if we moved the date to a Friday and only had fifty people.  After getting off the phone with her again, Dave sat me down and we had a long talk.  He asked if I was just changing for changing's sake.  He wasn't against doing it at all but thought that if we decided to, we should go for what we originally wanted and not just more of the same somewhere else.  Now after I have had some time to reflect a bit more, I think that maybe he's right.  Maybe I'm just freaking out and now trying to run away.  I do tend to have a bit of that tendency.  Perhaps there is a way to still make everything work.  Yes, the new place I found would save us money but it would require us to cut our guest list again almost by half.  Is that really what we want to do?

I think I hoped I would be special and I would go through the whole wedding process calm, cool, and collected.  I convinced myself that I wasn't like other brides and that silly things like changing rooms were something to get upset about.  Sadly though, I learned tonight that I'm just as susceptible as anyone.  Honestly, though... it's a lot of money to spend on a single day and there are a lot of expectations etched into us from a very early age that I get it.   Maybe it's more concerning if someone can drop thousands of dollars on a one day party without batting an eyelash or questioning their decision.  This isn't a car that you will more than likely own for a couple of years and will provide you with a freedom to move around locally.  It's not a down payment on a house that would be considered a solid investment over multiple years.  It's not even a great vacation to some far off world that will provide you with insight to another place and culture.  No, it's a big party that you throw for yourself and your husband.  The biggest party that you will ever throw yourself until you're funeral and that you don't get to plan yourself or enjoy.  It's a big deal but it's still only one day.  You could just as easily go to your local city hall and leave as a wife or husband but most of us don't because we know that this is the one day it's socially acceptable to throw boatloads of money on a giant party for yourselves and so you do.  There are just those days when the money and the whole "what do you get for the money" concerns arise and sometimes cause a mini-meltdown.

Hopefully this one will my one and only.

Deserving happiness

Even though I worked tonight, it turned into a really wonderful evening.  It's amazing what a difference getting out at 9:30 versus 11 can do for your night.  Dave and I were able to spend some unexpected quality time together. I sometimes forget just how nice it is to just be together, to go shopping together, or have a long conversation.  It's nights like tonight that you feel very overwhelmed by love and it's such a good feeling that I wish it for everyone.  Is it weird that when I feel like I've gotten everything I could ever want in a partner, I sometimes feel really selfish for enjoying it so much or like I'm taking it granted? 

For those who don't know me, I tend to hide my feelings even from myself.  Sometimes when I'm really beginning to get close to someone I go into this self-preservation mode.  It's almost like I unconsciously say to myself, "Hey, don't get too caught up in this.  Imagine just how devastated you'll be in you lose it."  Then I tend to wall up a bit or close down.  All of a sudden my love feels subdued.  I'm about to get married and I've still yet to really answer that constant question lingering within me, "what are you afraid of?"  Perhaps my recklessness abandon in love was damaged in my first relationship.  It's always something I've been jealous of when I see it from others.  

Slowly though, I feel myself embracing it more and more.  It just that now, it seems to bring along the beginning twinges of guilt.  Like I don't deserve this happiness or this love.  Or the ever looming question, "why me?"  Why  or how is that I got so lucky?  I have so many friends who I feel are so much more deserving of this type of happiness and I feel guilty that I have and they don't.   If I enjoy it fully then I just feel selfish and scared that it's all going to disappear.  Still, I'll take nights like tonight and try not to think about the rest.  I mean, I should allow myself to feel this way more often, right?   Or no?  I'm honestly not sure.  

Making progress means making decisions

Dave and I met two DJs tonight and they were both super nice!  We now have a difficult decision to make and honestly, I'm really not sure which one to pick.   One of them we met way back at a bridal convention and he was great then.  Both Dave and I were really interested in him as our DJ at that time and after we met him tonight it was very clear that he has the experience, the energy, the charisma, and the knowledge to meet all of our expectations.  He mentioned that he used to play in a lot of clubs with Kiss108 and Jam'n 94.5 (two of the most well known local pop and hip hop stations) back in the 90s and although I want there to be lots of fun and dancing at our wedding, I don't want it to feel like we're in a club.  Dave doesn't think it would be all that big of a deal if we just mention our concerns and he's probably right.   In addition, during our meeting I didn't feel like he got to know us that well but I know that if we choose him we'll be able to really explain what we're looking for.  Finally, the biggest downside to him is his cost. It's very clear he has what it takes to be an incredible DJ so his cost makes sense but it is pushing our budget a bit more than we'd like.

The second DJ we met seemed more laid back.  Though I would never say it to him, he's been in the business since I was a less than a year old so he doesn't lack experience either.  When we arrived at his fire station (where he was working tonight) he didn't really try to sell himself as the "right" DJ for us which is something I always respect.  However, Dave did have to prompt him with many more questions for us to really get a sense of his abilities and there's that small part of me that can't help but wonder if that's something we will have to continue to do as we work with him.  It wasn't long after that he began asking us about some of our thoughts on what we are looking for as far as our ceremony, cocktail hour, dinner, and reception go.  To be honest, Dave and I have yet to really define what we're looking for exactly so he threw out a bunch of different ideas that we hadn't thought about before which is something I really appreciated.  The biggest plus for him is that his cost is vastly cheaper; the biggest setback is that we really haven't seen him in action.  I mean, we don't want someone who is entirely subdued; we want to hear the energy in his voice and his presence.

So I feel like we're still struggling a bit with our decision.  At the moment, I think I'm leaning more toward the second DJ and Dave more toward the first.  I think what we are looking for is someone who knows how to read the crowd and get them dancing without resorting to too many wild gimmicks while at the same time is willing to come out on the dance floor and have a good time with us too.  We know that the first DJ can definitely provide that and it seems like second one could too but we're just not sure.  So what we decided tonight that it would behoove us to ask for some more information.  Really, we are hoping that there might be some more footage of the second DJ in action to see if he has what we're looking for and go from there.  For now though I think that it will be good to sleep on it.   I'm a big proponent for "sleeping" on decisions.  I find that somehow a good night's rest and morning's light always seem to help evaluate any choice presented the night prior.

Hmphf! ::whine, whine, whine::

Past events have me down tonight.  I attempted to write something about it because was mind blocked like always.  I know that this is what I am working on; to allow myself to allow memories to come to the surface when and not block them or shut down but I still do.  During the past half hour, I've started and deleted many sentences where I try and give these memories space but my brain and my emotions won't have any of it.

The over exertion of the writing attempts and trying to force it has given me a headache and my inability to document it or even allow myself to acknowledge it leaves me feeling irritated.  Just the simple fact that at a certain point, I thought about my past caused me to feel down and depressed.  Now I'm just irritated because I feel trapped here.  Trapped by my complete inability to use my words to describe it.  Annoyed that as a result my head and my shoulders and my neck hurt with stress now when they didn't before.  

My coping mechanisms are kicking in; irritation, annoyance, anxiety, and the ever pressing need to lie down and zone out have enveloped me.  Suddenly, I feel tired and my jaw aches probably from it's clapped frown position.   I feel completely lethargic.  I'm tired of writing everyday and I'm really not sure if I want to do this anymore.  Especially if I can't express what I'm feeling anyway.  I want to go to bed and go back to sleep. 

Maybe I'll have another dream about some poor kid, diagnosed with an incurable illness that will not only end his life within the next few months but each day will cause him tremendous physical pain.  My dream this morning consisted of me visiting him and trying to provide him comfort after he attempt his first suicide.  When he felt well enough to make his way outside, he ran in front of a bus and succeeded in his suicide attempt.  In my dream I watched it happen and was powerless to stop and at the same time didn't want to stop him.   Is the rest of your life consumed with physical agony really a life that I would want to live?  Would I too, not do everything I could to just end it sooner?  Completely unable to answer my own question, the dream shifted in the ways they also do and I was at the train station with my family.   It was just after the kid's suicide and I didn't have my purse so when the illegal immigrant police came and asked everyone to prove their citizenship, I was unable to and was dragged away from everyone else.  

That isn't an uncommon dream.  Though I haven't ever had that exact one before, I've had many similar ones recently and I spend my morning trying to rewrite them by allowing myself to continue to fall back to sleep.  Sometimes they get better, other times they just get stranger.  Most of the time, when I finally pull myself out of bed and sit down to maybe write about it, I've forgotten it.  I'm reluctant to go to bed most nights and have difficultly falling asleep because I'll just lay there and contemplate when my mind will go back to normal or if this constant mental cycling is the new normal.  

Something

Tonight is one of those nights that I don't know what to write about.   My mind quite literally feels blank.  It's one of those evenings when you want to read watch television or a movie.  I'd prefer to take in someone else's thoughts or read someone's story than compose or continue to write my own.  It's just that, at the moment, I feel like I have nothing to say or rather nothing that I would like to discuss. It's difficult for me to put words down on paper at this time.  

I've always known why regular bloggers who actually have a topic to write about and a large following choose to allow others to blog on their topic for them.  It's difficult to have something new and different to write about every single day.  Nevermind, something that is inherently interesting.  I think that's part of the reason why many professional bloggers call it a full time job.  All of the research that must go into cultivating a blog that others would want to read, plus responding to commenting, and for those who actually make money, running their business.  

At some point in the future, I too would like to start a blog with more of a direction or general topic.  This blog is primarily a personal blog with some creative writing sprinkled throughout.   Right now, I'm okay with that.  At the beginning of the year, I gave myself a goal.  I just wanted to write something, anything everyday.  There are times that I get way too caught up with the idea that someone else reads it and I feel the need to write something interesting but that's not why I started this.  I started this just to get into the habit of writing so that when I find that topic or concept, I can run with it without being afraid of not writing just because I'm not in the mood.  

There's something to be said when the man you love looks at you with the sleepiest eyes and asks if you will be joining him and you have to say no because you haven't written yet.  That is something that I would like to limit more as I go forward.  I get that I seem to enjoy writing late at night but it might be more productive to write during the day.  Most days, I'm free during the day so it really makes more sense for me to write then.   I think I really need to start making appointments with myself.  You know, try and write something at the same time everyday.  That will really reinforce the habit of writing something each day.  I've also read that if you choose the same time everyday that you will tend to be more inspired at that time of the day because your mind will be expecting it.   Maybe I'll try that.  

What? Consecutive posts on wedding planning?

Wedding planning can feel so overwhelming at times.  Even though I think we've made huge strides this weekend in getting things organized and together, there is still so much to get done.  Don't worry, I'm not freaking out... yet.  However, I think that if I don't have at least a couple of appointments set up to meet with DJs by the end of this week, maybe I'll be a bit closer.  One of my amazing bridesmaids, Katie, said to me weeks ago (actually it's more like months ago) that if I could just secure the DJ and officiant, everything else will fall into place.  It wasn't all that long ago that she planned her own wedding so you would think that I would listen and heed her advice.  The girl is one of the most fabulous planners I know and her wedding was so wonderfully put together.  She knows what she's doing and she knows me so yeah, totally should have listened to her.  

Sadly, I cannot go back in time but once this post is finished I'm officially sending the man who DJ'd for her wedding an e-mail and actually research a couple of others.  For real, this time.  It is my mission before I allow my head to rest on my, oh so comfy, pillow.  Not the most thrilling mission of my life but an apparently more challenging than I anticipated.  It's almost funny; I have almost no reason to not have pinned these two down yet.  It wasn't more than a month after returning from Paris that I had selected my venue, date, and a photographer.  At that point, I only had two more large pieces to really settle.  Two more corner pieces before beginning to fill in the puzzle and I just didn't do it.  

Though I have to admit, I'm not that surprised.  It's kind of amazing that I'm as far along as I considering how I'm a perpetual procrastinator.  You know that person who allows days and days to pass by before suddenly jumping up during the middle of dinner frantically realizing, "Oh crap! That twenty page paper on Comparative History of World Civilizations up to the 1800s is due tomorrow?!?!  I haven't even started it yet!?"  The person who, after stuffing her face with one final dinner roll races from the cafeteria and proceeds to stay up all night and next morning slaving over it, talking like an insane person to their printer because it's printing too slowly, and literally running to her class to make sure she passes it in on time?  You know that person?  I do too; I'm her.  Please forgive the horrible punctuation in this paragraph.  

Anyway, I'm just under seven months before the wedding and I haven't gotten there yet.  So long as I get everyone settled by the end of this month, I'm pretty sure I'll be okay.  Also, with the help from my parents tonight, I'm pretty sure Dave and I are close to finalizing the guest list.  I must say, that it was the most difficult part of the planning so far.  It's times like these where I wish I was rich or had begun saving a decade ago.  It's really heartbreaking to come to the conclusion that you can't invite someone because if they respond with a yes, you probably won't be able to afford to feed them.   My mom says that having 75-90 people will feel so much better than having more because it will be difficult to interact with them all in such a short time.  I will say, that's something that's very important to me.  I've been to weddings where I only know the bride or the groom and you spend almost the entire time there never saying more than, "You look beautiful/handsome.  Congratulations."   I don't want that to happen to our guests.  

Hopefully though, the majority of our guests won't be afraid to take off their high heels, ties, or jackets and get their groove on because really, that's where I want to be: dancing, laughing, and connecting with everyone we care about.   Now, if I just need to find that DJ or else I'll be forced to designate someone to take charge of the songs on my iPod and figure out how to hook it up to their system.  

Wedding and Medication

So Dave and I had the inevitable chat wedding planning chat today and as a result we got a bit more accomplished.  Why is that in every relationship the woman ends up being the planner?  Maybe it's just anything related to weddings.  Men think that the woman's got it covered and just unconsciously decide to just allow her to handle it.  Honestly though, Dave responded better than I could have expected.  I barely mentioned it and we were writing down a list to get things accomplished.  

We arranged another cake testing, went shopping and found a ring for Dave, found some really great DIY ideas at Barnes and Nobles, and looked at another potential apartment for next year.  After I finish writing this entry we are going to finish flushing out a first draft of the guest list and take another solid glance at the budget.  So overall, I'm glad I made mention of what was just beginning to bother me before waiting until it got to the point where I just ended up exploding on him.  

Times like this where I can begin to see just how much I've grown in the last year.  Part of me worries that it's all the antidepressants working.  My general anxiety and obsessive thinking definitely dulled a few weeks after I began taking them but I still like to think that some of it could be controlled through cognitive behavioral therapy. However, I feel like since I began them I have felt the same sort of need to take charge of my thoughts.  I mean, I do all the time still but they aren't uncontrollable.  I just feel like I'm not as easily stressed out.   My doctor is thinking about decreasing my dose the next time I see her and honestly, I'm kind of worried about it.  Suppose it all comes back?  

Weird how this conversation began with a rare discussion on my wedding planning and ended with me worrying about what might happen when I decrease my medication.  Should I be worried about the progression of this post?  Luckily, I'm still at the same dose.  

New Credit Card!

I'm so excited.  Dave and I both received our Chase Sapphire rewards card today!! 

Yes I know it seems really silly and rather irresponsible to be so enthusiastic about receiving a credit card but I've talked about this before.  There are a lot of benefits toward having a credit card (something that both Dave and I were grateful for recently when we wanted to dispute something).  For those of you who are interested in getting a first credit card, I would not recommend this particular one.  Although the annual fee is waived for the first year, there's really no point to paying an annual fee for any card unless the rewards outweigh it in the end.  Also, the interest rate on this card could be totally lower so for many who aren't used to making purchases on a credit card a low or 0% interest rate is far better.  It's so easy to get in over your head in the beginning. 

However, by the time I graduated from college I had already learned my "credit cards are awful if you don't use them properly" lesson.  Upon leaving college, my student card that started with only a $500 limit when I turned 18 had now reached more then $10,000.  I clearly didn't use it properly.  I placed the bills I couldn't afford on it at first like car repairs and things of that nature.  Then there was trip to Disney, books for classes, more car repairs, and then many small miscellaneous purchases as my childhood savings ran out and the money from my job primarily went to paying off the minimum payment.  Finally, all the amazing and fun activities down in Costa Rica were placed and by the time I got home I was in totally over my head.  Paying for the interest consumed almost half of my minimum which was now close to $250 and it felt like my balance was never going to go down.  

I was extremely lucky because my mother was willing to take a loan through her work with a super low interest rate and volunteered to pay most of the balance.  It's been almost 5 years and finally at the end of this year, it will finally be paid off.  People, this is exactly what you're not supposed to do when you have a credit card.  Like I said, I was super lucky to have a mother who had the means and the willingness to help me out.  In addition, I'm incredibly lucky that I learned that lesson at such a young age.  I see people in their fifties at my job who are more than struggling.   So why, after all that, would I be so excited about receiving another credit card?  There are multiple reasons with the biggest being that I know how to use it.  

Today, my motto is "treat your credit card like your debit card only instead of it coming out as you make the purchases, one large lump sum must be paid at the end of the month - in full."  Yes, "in-full" is absolutely critical.  When you pay your credit card off in full at the end of the month, the credit card companies make no money off of you because they can't charge you interest.  In fact, if you have a quality rewards card, they end up paying you.  So today, before I make a purchase I ask myself, "Can I put this on my debit card and still have plenty of money to pay my bills?"  If the answer is no, then I can't buy it, no matter how much I love it. That's really it. It's just that simple.  

Like I said before, this card has extra benefits.  In this case, for every $1.00 Dave or I spend on anything, we earn 1 point.  If we spend $3,000 in the first three months, which we will (yay wedding), we get 25,000 bonus points.  Any airfare or hotels booked through this card's website earns double points (honeymoon).  Because we have a wedding coming up, we are going to earn a boat load of points on the same purchases we would've made anyway.  We can then cash in the points for travel, entertainment, cash, dining.  Extra bonus, there are no black out dates or expiration dates on the points.  How do the points transfer?  Well, if we just earned the 25,000 it would be equivalent to $250.  That's easily airfare for a weekend trip to Disney that we won't have to spend.  

Again, all of this only works if you are able to pay off your balance in full and everyone thinks they can when they first get a credit card.  If you've never had one before, get a no interest card and practice for at least a year.  Then once you fully trust yourself and you have a small cushion in savings, then think about upgrading to a card like this.  I will let you know how it all works out as I use it.  Happy Spending!